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January 10, 2011

Welcome to the Notary Casino

Filed under: General Stories,Popular on Facebook (A little),Popular Overall — Tags: , , — admin @ 12:08 am

Welcome to the Notary Casino, where your dreams and ours come true!

Your dream is to have fun, and we will fulfill that fantasy. Our dream is to get you to lose most of your money in the slot machines, and it looks like we are well on our way to that dream.

Spin the embosser! Oh, it landed on a 7. You win… this time.
You win twenty embossed chips! And chips on your shoulder after you lose them later on gambling them away.

Now, it’s time to celebrate in our buffet. The noodles are in the shape of chips. If you want more, just say, “Hit me.” (If you’re into pain, you can also say “Hit me.”) Enjoy our ice sculpture in the shape of a witness.

Instead of pounding steaks, we emboss them in a giant embosser. Additionally, in the seafood section we sell real seal meat sushi and Angus beef. If you want the certified Angus beef, ask for a complimentary Notary. Additionally, if you get in an argument with your husband, you can make him eat his words after you spell them with our letter shaped noodles! The catch at the Notary Buffet is that you have to make a Notarized pledge under Oath that you will finish what’s on your plate. Either that or put the rest in escrow.

There’ll be entertainers and impersonators. Don’t expect to know who they’re pretending to be – We don’t get top drawer entertainment. But as Notaries, you’ll be able to check their ID to learn their actual identities.

Now, time for the slot machines. If you get three oranges, you win one chip. If you get three witnesses, you win ten chips. If you get three embossers, you win the jackpot! We can attest to that.

All we ask is that you personally appear before the slot machines — it’s a legal thing…

.

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Scribbles: A Notary comedy club
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January 9, 2011

Notary Hotel 2 — the sequel

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , , , , — admin @ 3:08 am

Welcome to The Notary Hotel, for all things notarial.

Customer: “Wow, this hotel is so notarial, even the notepad comes with Jurat wording!”
Reception: “We cater to a very specific market over here.”
Customer: “That is great, but honestly, at one of those other Notary Hotels, there were ink stains on the wash cloth!”
Reception: “Oh, I’m very sorry to hear about that. That must be the hotel on the other side of town that is currently out of commission, right?”
Customer: “That’s the one, but I don’t like to mention names!”
Reception: “I understand”
Customer: “And they were annoying too. Each room had a fax machine, so they could fax the bill to you, and they required three dozen fax backs before they would let you check out!”
Reception: “Sounds like that other notary hotel, or the Notel, as we call it was owned by a signing service.”
Customer: “Tell me about it.”
Reception: “We are notarial, but in a good way over here, well at least we like to think we are. You’ll enjoy our notarial breakfast. You get an embossed waffle. Instead of having the regular grid, you will get a huge impression of a circular embossed notary seal. Instead of an expiration date on the seal, we say — best if consumed before 6-01-2014 — for example.
Customer: “I’m hungry already.

Can you expedite my express-o?
Reception: “Then, you’ll enjoy a cup or two of our signature French roast coffee — but, you don’t have to notarize the signature.”
Customer: “Great, because I don’t feel comfortable with foreign language notarizations.”
Reception: “Oh no, it’s not a French language roast, the coffee is English speaking, and so is the signature.”
Customer: “In that case, that will be fine. I prefer espresso though.”
Reception: “Well, since we are a boutique hotel, we can make espresso upon special request.”
Customer: “Can you expedite my express-o? No pun intended.”
Reception: “And over here, instead of paying by the night, you can stay for a pre-arranged number of days, weeks or months — we call that period of time a commission!”
Customer: “Boy, you guys are just too notarial. Next thing you know, I’ll have to take a proctored test to stay here.”

What type of Notelarization?
Reception: “Well, we test you in other less pronounced ways — to make sure you know what you’re doing. Can you sign the register please, I mean the journal? We like our guests to sign it. We’re a bit old fashioned.”
Customer: “So, where you do you want me to sign it?”
Reception: “That was part of the test. You are the notary, you are supposed to know. You sign in the signature section!”
Customer: “Right… what was I thinking. I’ve been doing this job for twenty years and still have to be reminded! I’ll put the type of Notelarization as well — acknowledged overnight stay.”
Reception: “Super. Let me check your ID, to make sure the name matches the one in the journal. Your ID says, Ralph E Emerson, and you signed Ralph Wemerson? Am I missing something?”
Customer: “Well, over time, my E became sideways and began to look more like a W. You understand, right?”
Reception: “Well, at least it’s not like Wang Zhu Ming from China who signed in Chinese characters.”
Customer: “That’s nothing, I had an Egyptian who signed in hieroglyphics once, or at least it looked that way!”

Standards at the Notary Hotel
Reception: “At our Notel, we have standards. If any of the maids fails to abide by the following regulations, their commissions can be suspended, revoked, or terminated.”

(1) Failure to require the guest to sign for their food delivered during room service
(2) Failure to administer an Oath for the late night lasagna Jurat
(3) Failure to honor the 3 minute right to rescind on midnight tacos

Affidavit of Maid Services must be signed at the door. The date and time must be documented as well, along with an indication of the type of maid-torial act. For example, they could acknowledge that they made up the room.

Customer: “It sounds wonderful. This Notel operates for the benefit of the customer. What about late night pay-per-flick. Is there a rescission period for that if I don’t like the movie?”
Reception: “Yes, you can mail, or fax your…”
Customer: “Stop right there, did you say fax? I’m out of here!”
Reception: “No wait… come back…”

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Notary Hotel 1
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Cheers: Sammy gets a name change form notarized
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January 8, 2011

The Notary Police

Filed under: General Stories,Popular on Linked In,Popular on Twitter — admin @ 8:22 am

Have you ever been pulled over by the Notary police? The problem is that there is no such thing. But, if there were, then there would be one more thing to gripe about. Can you imagine if there were Notary police? If you gave an Oath the wrong way or forgot all together, you might get a citation — I swear it. And if your seal was smudgy you might get a warning. What if you identified someone incorrectly because the ID did not match? You might have to spend the night getting booked at the Notary jail.

I think that the Secretary of State should pretend to be a customer and see how many things you do wrong and then book you. That is my idea of what the Notary police should be like. California used to audit people’s journals. That was the one type of Notary procedural checks and balance that they had. I am not sure they are still doing that.

I do a little Notary policing to make sure people know their basics. The sad part is that only 5% of our Notaries on 123notary are up to my standards for minimal Notary knowledge acceptability. That is really sad. But, what can I do? I can’t force people to learn who refuse to know their job (yet brag about how great they are because of how many years they have been doing their job probably incorrectly.)

In the mean time — licensed and commission certificate please. Keep both hands on your seal.

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10 reasons why the State Notary divisions should be nationalized.

Filed under: Public Interest — admin @ 1:23 am

Normally I am in favor of state rights. But, as far as Notary Public issues are concerned, the states are not doing a good job except for California for whom I would give a C. Here are some compelling reasons why the notary divisions should be nationalized.

1. Education
Most states either do not have educational programs for Notaries, or don’t have very good educational programs. The state notary handbooks have a variety of laws and practices, but do not generally spell out exactly how to interpret or apply laws or what to do in particular situations that arise regularly that could cause confusion or danger. Some states have too many laws which make it hard to learn them all. While other states have too few laws. If we would have just the right amount of laws, and those laws would be nationalized, and well taught, there would be a higher percent of highly informed Notaries who do their job correctly at all times which is my goal.

2. Testing
Not all states have a Notary Test. Those that do have a Notary test normally have a multiple choice written test. Testing people on nitpicky legal issues is fine and dandy, but if a Notary cannot fill in a journal or forms correctly then what good are they? Hands on testing and testing people to see how they handle curve-balls such as legal requests that seem illegal or illegal requests that seem legal is absolutely necessary in my opinion.

3. Auditing
Notaries get away with all sorts of mischief in all states. Most Notaries not only omit legally required Oaths, but claim not to understand my instructions when I ask them to give me an Oath on a document. Many Notaries do not keep their journal correctly which is a danger to society. If there is identity theft, the journal is the only means to know what happened at a transaction and the journal thumbprint is the only way the FBI can catch the bad guys in many cases. Notaries nationwide need to be checked up upon once or twice a year to make sure they are not doing anything wrong. For the government to have time to check up on everyone, there needs to be fewer Notaries otherwise the job would take too long.

4. Standardization of Notary Acts
There are many variations on Notary Acts from state to state. It can be confusing for interstate transactions and for people who run nationwide Notary associations. It is easier if there are standardized acts nationwide and standardized laws.

5. Thumbprinting
Many Notaries on 123notary helped the FBI catch some awful criminals who did Ponzi schemes, identity theft and more. It was the thumbprint that was the critical piece of evidence that helped catch the bad guys. Most Notaries outside of CA feel they should not have to take thumbprints. Having national laws requiring thumbprints is the only way to safeguard society from cons.

6. Quality Standards
Before a prospective Notary takes a course, they should take a quick IQ test and personality test to see if they are well adjusted to be a Notary Public. Someone with an IQ of 100-120 who is anal, picky, has tremendous integrity, and follows the law to the letter and fills out forms correctly every time would be the ideal candidate to be a Notary. People who have screws loose are dangerous as Notaries because they will accept illegal requests becuase they can’t keep the law straight in their head. I find this out during testing as my over the phone test asks people which situations are acceptable to notarize and more than half of our Notaries decline legal requests while accepting illegal requests. Quality control is easier on a national level to make sure all Notaries know what they are doing to a T.

7. Notary Fees
Most states have ridiculously low Notary Fees. To attract good Notaries, Notary fees need to be at least $20 for the first Notary act and at least $40 for a travel fee for jobs more than 25 minutes away. Notaries in states that pay 50 cents for a Notary act tend not to be very good Notaries. Can you imagine why?

My recommendations

1. Four days of Notary education training that covers laws, processes, identifying people, administering Oaths, form filling, journals, and dealing with legal vs. illegal requests. One day of training is not enough to do a thorough job of covering all the bases here. Additionally, a refresher course for a few hours once or twice a year might help keep knowledge solidly in a Notary’s head as well.

2. A written and hands on test that could be one on one makes sense. What good is knowing the law if you don’t know how to fill in necessary forms?

3. Higher fees to become a Notary. To weed out applicants that are not serious, higher fees and more days of school will weed out people who don’t absolutely want to become a Notary Public.

4. The government should check up on Notaries at least once per year to make sure they are not skimping on responsibilities or accepting illegal requests. An undercover government worker could coerce the Notary to do something illegal to see if the Notary would comply and then fine the Notary if the Notary complied.

5. State websites (taken over by the Feds) should spell out all Notary situations and applications of laws. Identification standards should be the most emphasized as that is a huge area of contention. Names on ID’s do not always exactly match names on documents and formal standards for handling every type of mismatch should be documented on websites.

6. Most states do not make it clear that an Acknowledged signature can be signed (in 44 states) prior to appearing before the Notary Public. Most Notaries are falsely under the impression that they need to witness acknowledged signatures. What good are laws if the laws are not clearly explained? This is the most clear cut example of a law that is misinterpreted more than it is correctly interpreted. Thank God I went to a good Notary school when I became a Notary!

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January 7, 2011

Two and a half notaries: The intercontinental notary seal

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: , — admin @ 7:49 am

WARNING: This skit may have a few inappropriate references that could be considered slightly offensive to people with morals, people who don’t have morals, as well as people who are just not sure.

ALAN: I have an idea

CHARLIE: What is it this time? Are we going to all dress in green and walk down the street signing Gaelic songs?

ALAN: No, it’s even better than that, although I do love Gaelic music.

BERTA: Spit it out! Tell us what you want to do.

ALAN: I thought it would be great if we all became notaries! It is a service everybody needs. And then we would have something in common. You know — to talk about.

CHARLIE: Notary? I don’t really think anyone will need my services as a Notary. Nobody has ever asked me about that before.

JAKE: What’s a notary?

ALAN: Well, you see, a notary is a profession, where they check people’s ID, verify that they are the correct signer, witness them signing a document, and then they affix their notary stamp or seal to the document. Sometimes they even swear under Oath.

JAKE: Sounds cool, I think you should do it. (yawning and patting his mouth)

CHARLIE: I don’t know if I want to invest my precious time doing all the procedures to become a notary, especially not during the superbowl.

BERTA: I heard that Monica needed a Notary…

CHARLIE: Where do I sign up?

ALAN: We can all go down to the County Clerk, and fill out the forms. Then, we get our notary seals.

CHARLIE: Deal.

JAKE: Can I become a notary too?

ALAN: I think you need to be a little older.

CHARLIE: Yeah, and not be a felon.

JAKE: I’m not a felon… Wait! What’s a felon?

BERTA: Someone who was convicted of a serious crime, like my uncle Sam. He robbed a liquor store. But, it was an accident. I swear!

JAKE: Never mind, I don’t want to be a dumb notary anyway.

ALAN: Maybe we can get you a training stamp.

JAKE: Oh, kind of like a training bra, except for notaries

CHARLIE: This kid needs a lot more than just training.

ALAN: Maybe it will be good for him. You never know. Sometimes, hands on knowledge sticks with you more than stuff you learned in school.

JAKE: I’m asleep or daydreaming half the time in school anyway.

CHARLIE: Exactly!

(Charlie, Alan, and their friend Samantha go down to the County Clerk. Fill out the forms. A few weeks later, they get their notary commissions and then they go to purchase their official notary seals)

ALAN: I’d like to purchase a notary seal

CLERK: Sorry buddy. We’re all out of seals, and our next order won’t come in for another three weeks.

ALAN: Three weeks? Do you have anything left?

CLERK: I just got this one. It’s a store sample, so it’s been used before so people can see how the seal comes out on paper.

ALAN: Looks like I don’t have much choice. I’ll take it. How much is it?

CLERK: $25 even.

ALAN: But, it is so small. I’ve never seen a notary seal so small before.

CLERK: Sorry kid, it’s all we’ve got.

ALAN: I’ll take it!

(meanwhile, all three newly commissioned notaries return to Charlie’s Malibu house)

CHARLIE: Check out my new notary seal. It’s gold plated, and comes in a velvet lined case! Pretty snazzy!

SAMANTHA: I love it. It’s beautiful, just like the things you used to buy me when we were dating.

ALAN: How long ago was that?

CHARLIE: It was off and on. More off than on. But, that’s okay.

ALAN: So, where did you get that seal? It’s amazing!

CHARLIE: I know this place in Beverly Hills. They do customized work over there. For the right price, they can do anything for you — I mean anything. They had to special order this seal, but it was fast because they had a courier bring it down from Sacramento.

SAMANTHA: Check out my seal. It’s pink, but the ink is black. You know — for legal purposes. What about your seal Alan?

ALAN: You probably don’t want to see it. It’s just a seal.

CHARLIE: It was your idea for us all to become notaries, so yes, we do want to see it.

ALAN: It’s in the car. I’ll get it.

(Alan returns from the car)

ALAN: Here it is!

SAMANTHA: Oh, it’s tiny. I’ve never seen a notary seal so small.

ALAN: It might be small, but I know how to use it!

CHARLIE: (rolling his eyes)

JAKE: Check out my seal. I made it myself.

ALAN: How did you figure out how to make it?

JAKE: Easy, I just got some plastic housing for the outside and pit in a customized rubber seal on the inside. It says, “In Training.” I call it my intercontinental notary seal.

CHARLIE: Hey buddy, watch it with that. It’s leaking ink!

JAKE: I know, that’s why I call it an intercontinental notary seal.

ALAN: I think you mean “incontinent.”

JAKE: Same difference

CHARLIE: Well, keep it away from the carpets. The last thing I need is permanent black ink in my Persian rugs. That will cost a fortune to remove it if’s even possible.

JAKE: Not to worry, my ink is invisible ink.

ALAN: Now, there’s an idea.

BERTA: I once had something notarized in invisible ink. It didn’t hold up too well in court until I got the judge that special light, so he could read the ink. If it weren’t for that light, I’d still be in jail.

ALAN: So, Charlie, just out of curiosity. What do you do if your notary seal runs out of ink.

CHARLIE: I can guarantee that’s not going to happen if Monica’s around.

JAKE: I might have the problem if I can’t figure out how to stop that leak. The book I learned about seals from… well. I skipped the chapter on leaks.

(meanwhile two beach girls come to the house)

GIRLS: We heard you were notaries.

ALAN: Speak no further. What do you need done?

GIRLS: We need this waterproof document notarized?

CHARLIE: Are your ID’s waterproof too?

GIRL #1: Oh, I have my ID… right…. here…

(Jake’s eyes are bulging out staring intently directly at where Girl #1’s ID is coming out from)

JAKE: Can I touch it?

GIRL #1: You creep!

CHARLIE: Not you, the ID… He’s a notary in training you know.

GIRL #1: Oh… Okay. Here it is.

JAKE: (caresses the ID with a broad smile on his face, puts it to his chest, and to the side of his head.)

GIRL #2: Is this part of notary procedure?

ALAN: For Jake it is. He studied from a different book than we studied from.

CHARLIE: I think I’ll handle this case. Please sign my journal right here.

GIRL #1: Okay

(30 minutes later)

JAKE: He guess what uncle Charlie

CHARLIE: Dare I ask?

JAKE: Remember those girls who came over.

CHARLIE: Yes.

JAKE: Well, I notarized her. Not her document… her!

CHARLIE: No you didn’t! I’m going to my game. He’s about to do a touchdown.

JAKE: No really. Look out the window. (Girl #1 has her back to the house and is looking at a passing boat)

CHARLIE: I don’t see a notary seal on her.

JAKE: (pointing the ultra-violet invisible ink light at the girl) Look again!

CHARLIE: Oh!!! (shaking his head) Got it…

JAKE: One more thing

CHARLIE: Tell me?

JAKE: Ummm, you don’t need to tell Alan about this.

BERTA: I won’t tell him a thing! Mum’s the word!

.

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Introducing the 2019 Notaries!

Filed under: Andy Cowan — admin @ 7:30 am

Introducing the 2019 Notaries!

Trade in your old worn out notaries, everybody. They’re so last year. The new models are arriving with more exciting options than ever!

Forget driving customers crazy by misinterpreting notary law or explaining options to them versus choosing. The new 2019s are… SELF-driving customers crazy!

The new models don’t give the signer the choice between an oath and an affirmation. They always choose affirmation, to automatically not offend the politically correct.

The new models can notarize in reverse, which is handy if you have a reverse mortgage.

The old models were slow in accelerating but very good at braking. The new models go from zero to sixty signings in 2.3 seconds.
With the 2019s, you can enjoy the luxury of leaving drinks on a table during a signing without leaving those telltale rings that could annoy your client. The new models include cupholders for those drinks!

The old models needed witnesses to observe the execution of a document. All the new models need is Siri.

The 2019s have more horsepower of attorney.

The 2019 notaries automatically brake when the signer slows down.

The 2019s no longer just affix seals to documents. They beam them there.

And fake signature alerts are standard on all ‘19s.

If you want your documents automatically signed, sealed and delivered… you’ll have to wait for the ‘20s!

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January 6, 2011

The curse of the Notary mummy

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:28 am

A few years back, and Egyptologist went to Giza to do some research one some new findings. There were mummies buried in a chamber far deeper in the pyramid that had never been discovered before. The maps of the interior of the pyramid did not include this room and it was discovered using sound technology. The sound technology spotted (perhaps heard would be a better word since it is sound technology) a hollow area far within the ten thousand year old pyramid.

The historian was from America and was very logical. He didn’t believe in curses. After all, we all know that couldn’t possibly be real. So, he ignored the warnings from his Egyptian colleagues and went into the chamber — alone!!! He discovered all types of artifacts and encrypted messages written in hyroglyphics on the wall. It reminded him of his last trip to Hunan Garden where the bill was written in hyroglypics. There was a bird character, some people walking like Egyptians pointing their hands forward, a paper, and then a notary seal. Oh my God. Our historian had discovered an ancient Egyptian Notary Public.

Then he looked further. There were pictographs of the king asking him to administer an Oath. But the Notary said, “Sorry, my state doesn’t require Oaths.” Maybe that’s how the Notary died. He was so poorly trained, that the king or Pharoah had him put to death to teach a lesson to the other Notaries. The other Notaries said, “That’s so unfair—o!” In any case, the Notary must have either been high ranking in the dynasty he lived in or have been from a prominent family to be mummified. Enbalming don’t come cheap, and neither does space in a pyramid. I tried looking up rooms in pyramids on Craig’s list and the prices were astronomical.

In any case, this dumb Egyptologist took the liberty to open the casket and try to move the mummy. Immediately his lamp flickered, his electronic devices suddenly failed. He was all alone, in the dark and screamed — help!!!! Luckily, he was able to feel his way out of the room, down the hall and to his awaiting comrades who were down the hall. His colleagues warned him that terrible things would happen because of what he had done, but he didn’t believe them. After all, this was just a coincidence, right?

Nothing bad happened to that historian. However, many people working for signing companies who don’t pay Notaries reported having dreams of mummies coming unenbalmed following them around. Perhaps the mummy in question did not get paid by ancient Egyptian signing companies and wanted revenge on signing companies, but not on archeologists (hmm). One reported that it was hard to breath and felt something pressing on her chest. Another felt something touching her at night that wasn’t there. Finally the signing companies started to talk to each other. They decided they were being haunted by the spirit of the Notary mummy. Something had to be done. So, finally after a few years of discussions and talking to people in Cairo, they decided to have someone go back into that pyramid into the forbidding chamber and close that casket once and for all.

But, the person chosen to close the casket decided that the mummy would feel much happier if he put a Notary journal in the casket with him to take to the afterlife. They put the journal in, closed the casket, and moved it back to where it had originally been. Then the dreams continued. The mummy said, “My state doesn’t require journals!” People in five different signing companies had this dream.

Finally, they called a Shaman in to solve this for good. The Shaman had a clever plan. He had someone imposter the mummy’s Notary seal, and the mummy’s spirit was called into Notary Court in heaven. The judge asked for evidence of the transaction that the notary allegedly notarized. The Notary explained that his state didn’t require a journal. The judge sentenced him to 100 years in spirit jail. Kind of a harsh sentence, but the bad dreams stopped, and everyone was happy. The Shaman made out well as he got free notary service for life and after-life which was all fine and dandy until he asked for an Oath and the notary said, “Sorry, my state doesn’t require Oaths. Then the Shaman looked up their state handbook, found out that they do indeed do Oaths in the Notary’s state, reported the Notary to the Secretary of State, and the Notary got busted.

To be safe, the shaman decided to put some ancient egyptian money in the casket where the mummy with a note in hyroglyphics that said it was from that ancient Egyptian company that never paid him. The note said — payment plus 3000 years worth of interest.

And so ends the saga of the Notary mummy.
The moral of the story is — never trust a dead Notary who doesn’t keep a journal.

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Two & a half notaries – learning the ropes

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: , — admin @ 6:32 am

2 and a half notaries – learning the ropes
Disclaimer: The content in this dialogue may not be suitable for children or people who have any semblance of values, morals, or decency.

Charlie goes to a hot notary

NOTARY #1: Is it your first time? I’ll go easy on you.

CHARLIE: I’ve been notarized before. It was just such a long time ago.

NOTARY #1: Some people say that getting notarized is like riding a bike. You never forget how!

CHARLIE: Wish I could forget that and remember why I had “I love you, Ellen” tattooed on my leg.

NOTARY #1: If I didn’t notarize it, you don’t officially have to love her.

Then, Charlie goes to another notary to pick up some technique so he could impress the first notary. But, it was someone Charlie had been with before.

CHARLIE: I didn’t recognize you in that outfit,…or any outfit.

NOTARY #2 : Is that an embosser in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

CHARLIE: Samantha? No — Julie.

NOTARY #2: Boy, you have the worst memory I’ve ever seen.

CHARLIE: Well, if I were you, I wouldn’t be having this problem. I’d just ask for ID.

JAKE: Just out of curiosity, do notarizations have climaxes? You know, when you get to the ape of the notarization?

ALAN: You mean the ape-x, right?

JAKE: Yeah, that too.

NOTARY #2: It kind of does. The most critical part of the notarization is when the signer signs the journal.

JAKE: You mean that signing the document isn’t the most important part?

NOTARY #2: It’s important, but that can be done before the notarization.

JAKE: Oh, so it’s kind of like what I do before I leave the house if I’m going out with Jillian.

CHARLIE: I’m sure it’s exactly like that. Well, I want to learn the ropes over here. How does a notarization start?

NOTARY #2: it all starts by someone coming to the notary and telling the notary what they want.

JAKE: Oh — and do they need to tell the notary how they want it too?

NOTARY #2: Something like that. For legal purposes, the notary is prohibited from deciding or recommending what type of notary act to do for a particular document or signature. That is entirely up to the signer and their Attorney.
ALAN: So, let’s say I need a notarization. How do I ask for what I want?

CHARLIE: With you, you’re notorious for not knowing how to ask for what you want, that’s why you’re where you are in life.

ALAN: I want you to take that back.

CHARLIE: Oh sure, NOW you ask for what you want.

NOTARY #2: A client could come and they want an acknowledgment for their signature.

JAKE: Oh, I acknowledge you. Do I ever!

CHARLIE: Don’t mind him — he came with the house.

NOTARY #2: I see. Well, a client could also ask for a Jurat which requires a sworn Oath and must be signed in the presence of the notary.

CHARLIE: Well, let’s practice. I’ll be the client, and you can be the Notary. Sounds like a bad porn scene. What am I saying? There are no bad porn scenes. Wait a second, I have some paper in my den.

(2 minutes later)

NOTARY #2: Okay, and you signed this document?

CHARLIE: Yeah, that’s my signature. You probably want to ID me too.

NOTARY #2: Funny you should ask. Hmmm. It seems that your demented signature actually matches the demented signature on the ID.

CHARLIE: I think of it as more of a doctors’ signature, without the hassle of med school.

NOTARY #2: I’ve seen doctors’ signatures hundreds of times, and this doesn’t look a bit like a doctor’s signature. It looks more like one I got doing a notarization at an AA meeting.

JAKE: Well, maybe it was a doctor who had a little too much to drink because he got stressed out in surgery.

NOTARY #2: Now, I’m going to need you to sign my book.

CHARLIE: Well, you can bring your book right over (patting the table lightly)

NOTARY #2: Okay, sign away… Hey wait a second. Your signature looks sober now. What happened?

CHARLIE: Don’t ask me (slurring…)

NOTARY #2: I’m going to fill in the wording and seal this certificate, staple it to this Affidavit of testing document.

JAKE: Who was taking a test?

CHARLIE: Jessica agreed to take a test to make sure she didn’t have… never mind.

ALAN: Pay no attention to him.

NOTARY #2: And we’re done.

Charlie starts seeing one of the notaries regularly, and then gets caught seeing another notary.

NOTARY #1: I just love being with you. I feel like we are soul mates. Do you believe in soul mates?

CHARLIE: If they look good in my jacuzzi, then yeah. I could believe in soul mates.

NOTARY #1: The way I look at it, your jacuzzi looks good around me.

CHARLIE: With you in the Jacuzzi, no wonder it’s hot.

NOTARY #1: By the way. I noticed you talking to that other notary.

CHARLIE: Oh her? I was just learning a little technique from her to impress you.

NOTARY #1: What kind of technique?

CHARLIE: Y’know. Notary stuff. Presiding over deeds.

NOTARY #1: Dirty deeds? Are you two-timing me?

CHARLIE: Two-timing you? Don’t be silly. One-timing you, absolutely. By the second time, I’m a little spent.

NOTARY #1: You know what I mean! You’re cheating on me.

CHARLIE: No no, it’s nothing like that. We were just notarizing a document. Nothing more.

NOTARY #1: Well, did she use her seal?

CHARLIE: Well, yeah.

NOTARY #1 slaps him.

CHARLIE: Would it help if I told you her commission expired?

NOTARY #1: You and I are expired.

She leaves. Charlie goes back to Notary #2.

CHARLIE: Hi, Samantha

NOTARY #2: So, you’ve finally figured out my name now. I go by Sam actually.

CHARLIE: Well, I go by Char. Just kidding. I wanted to learn more about notary work. I wanted to do some role play, and I could be the notary.

NOTARY #2: We can talk about that. But, you will have to create your own seal.

CHARLIE: You mean I can’t use your seal?

NOTARY #2: it would be illegal for you to use my seal.

CHARLIE: I could use notorial protection, to make sure we’re both safe.

NOTARY #2: Abstinence is the best protection.

CHARLIE: I know how to ask for a happy ending in 17 languages. But, can a notarization come with a happy ending?

NOTARY #2: No Charlie, it doesn’t. But, I think I know what you are asking me.

(2 months later… Charlie becomes a notary, but does some improper notarizations and faces the consequences.)

CHARLIE: Why does it hurt when I affix my stamp? Must be one of those notarial diseases. Next time I’ll require double identification to be safe? Hmmm, maybe that wouldn’t help. Maybe Samantha was right. Maybe notarial abstinence is the best policy. It must be because of those two blonds that I notarized. I knew it.

ALAN: What’s up?

CHARLIE: I’m just bummed out. Samantha, and Charlene who you might remember as Notary #1… well, neither of them will see me again. Not to mention the fact that I seem to have picked up a nasty case of the… I don’t even know what you call it.

ALAN: Oh, the Jurclap. I read about that. You can get that if you have unprotected notarizations. Well Charlie. All I can say is, don’t feel bad, there will be other notaries!

.

You might also like:

Two and a half Notaries — impaired judgement
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=13207

Two and a half Notaries — intercontinental notary seal
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=10432

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January 5, 2011

The Five Food Groups of Notary Knowledge

Filed under: Loan Signing 101 — Tags: , , , , — admin @ 11:13 am

I read Ann Handley’s blog about the five food groups of marketing blogging. But, what I didn’t realize is that the world of Notary knowledge also has several food groups. I’m just not sure if there are five…

Vegetables
Most notaries are like adolescent children. They hate taking tests, and hate eating their vegetables. But, vegetables are good for you say Jeremy and Carmen. Technical knowledge is the Notary equivalent of eating your vegetables. Learning about credible witnesses, spousal states, filling in the additional information sections on Acknowledgment forms, learning proper Oath verbiage — these are all nitpicky and very necessary forms of notary knowledge. Yet, most notaries are severely lacking on this type of knowlege. They can do the easy notarizations, but what happens when the going gets rough? Every Tuesday we publish blogs with technical knowledge for the benefit of the notaries. They get a free and valuable education. Unfortunately, notaries don’t want to read the technical blogs that much. They want to read about signing companies and some of our funny posts.

Meat & Poultry (vermin in the case of some)
We write posts about signing companies. Knowing which signing company is which, which have good reviews or bad, and how to get paid might constitute the meat of the notary business. Without this knowledge you won’t get fed, so you need it. Notaries love reading the dirt on signing companies, and it is not a waste of time at all. My advice is to learn to be quick at querying information on the web about signing companies on your i-phone in case one of them calls you up. You need to be able to find the informationin a snap, so you can know whether to work for them or not. Or, you can keep a handbook in your car and home of the various companies and keep notes that you update regularly about each company. That way you know if you should work for them. The vermin wise crack is a reference to signing companies who don’t pay up by the way!

Bread & Carbs
For me, marketing articles constitute bread and carbs. You need lots of marketing to give your business energy. Meat will make you strong, but Bread will give you long term energy the same way marketing gives you long term clients. We publish a Notary marketing article every Monday (Marketing Monday) for your educational purposes. Some of the articles are quite fun to read as well.

Milk & Dairy
I am not sure what type of notary knowledge can be represented by dairy products. Milk sounds like something that comes from a mother figure, so perhaps being mentored by a senior notary, or reading about the experience of a veteran Notary could approximate the equivalent of milk. We do not write many dairy oriented Notary articles, but perhaps we should! Ken writes the most in this category as he is the smartest notary I know!

Desserts
We write funny articles every Friday. Our Notaries love them. The total clicks for funny articles is nowhere near that for the ones about signing companies or articles showing who is making the most money and why. But, people always write in to us to thank us for the funny articles. They don’t generate the most clicks, but they generate the most smiles, and that is what counts on what we call Funny Friday over here at 123notary.

Condiments
Habanero peach aioli, mustard and Jalapeno honey dip might constitute condiments. Highly opinionated and controversial posts are good on a blog to raise people’s emotions and make them remember you. Once in a while we will post something opinionated or crazy, or tell a story about a notary who did something amazingly rude or illegal.

Summary
We hope you like the five food groups. Let us know if you have any suggestions. I’ll try to do more in the dairy department. I’m glad I wrote this little article because it reminded me to do so. Gotta go — dinner time!

.

You might also like:

How good if your technical knowledge, should you learn more?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16683

30 point test synopsis
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14233

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Welcome to the Notary Zoo!

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Popular on Facebook (A little),Popular on Facebook (shares),Popular on Linked In,Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , , , , , , — admin @ 6:55 am

Welcome to the Notary Zoo!

After visiting the Notary Zoo for the first time, I noticed that things were a little “different” there. There were animals that didn’t exist in real life, and situations that were often opposite of what they normally were.

Before entering the zoo, right before the entrance, you see a huge venue carved into the granite floor. The venue says, “State of California, County of Los Angeles.” I’m glad the zoo helps me remember where I am because at that place, it’s easy to forget. Then, I went to pay my entrance fee. There was a huge sign saying that all customers needed to “personally appear” before the ticket seller with the seal of approval, who won the crowd’s approval after the seal juggled a ball on its nose. I needed to produce positive identification, asked how much it was to visit the zoo, and the clerk said it depended on how many signatures I wanted. I wanted admittance for just myself, which would be one signature at $10 per signature. The lady stamped my ticket and let me in.

As Trump might say, the zoo was “huge.”

There were walkways going every which direction. To the left I saw the Juratffs. I had never seen a Juratff before. I asked what I was supposed to do there, and the guard said that people swear at this animal all day long. So, I said, “I solemnly swear blah blah blah.” But, the juratff ignored me and kept eating leaves. At least he stuck his neck out for me. In the next exhibit down the corridor I saw a giant refrigerator with a sign saying, “How can you fit a juratff in a refrigerator?” Then a baby juratff waltzed in the refrigerator, stuck its neck out the hole in the top, and munched on some low hanging leaves.

Don’t feed the Notaries

Next, there was an area where some Notaries were hanging around. The visitors were led down an underground passage and then up some stairs into a huge cage that had a sign: “Don’t feed the Notaries.” The Notaries just went about their business and ignored the tourists’ constant taunts and whistling. The Notaries sat at desks, walked around, ID’d people and stamped pieces of paper. I didn’t understand the logic of this as they were notarizing other Notaries and not getting paid. Later on I learned that this was some sort of an asylum for people who were convinced that they were Notaries, but never passed the state Notary exam for reasons unknown. They were NOTaries.

The next exhibit had a Notary comedian. Not only was there an applause sign. There was an applause signer.

He started cracking jokes. “How do you define a loose acknowledgment? It’s an acknowledgement that attaches itself to different documents — on the first date before it even knows your first name — at least the first name on your ID.” Then our comedian friend made another joke about pastry. “I just found out that a Mexican wedding cake is exactly the same thing as a Russian tea cake. They are both two inches wide and made from shortbread. I guess one man’s tea is another man’s wedding!”

An exhibit for Notarial owls.
They just sat in the tree all day long saying, “Hoo — is the signer?” Next to the owls was the judge from Noternity court who said, “Who is the signer? Who is the Notary? We’ve examined the DNA evidence and handwriting analysis and you ARE the Notary!”

The aquarium was next on my list.
I went down a dark hallway into a pitch black room, turned a corner, and then I was in the Notary Aquarium. I saw a guy swimming in the tank in a three piece suit with a briefcase. I asked the guard why the sharks don’t eat him. The guard replied, “Professional courtesy — that guy’s an Attorney.” Then I saw another guy wearing a suit who just got his leg bitten off by another shark. Blood was filling the tank. I looked at the guard and he said, “That one’s a Mortgage Broker. He’s the one who asked people to backdate, and didn’t pay his Notaries on time.” It cost him a leg if not an arm. I journeyed into the next room in the aquarium and saw a bizarre looking fish. It looked like a hammerhead, but on closer inspection it was a stampfish. His head looked like a huge rectangular Notary stamp. I said to the guard, “It’s too bad there is no paperfish that the stampfish can stamp.” The guard said, “Where there is one around here, there will be a squid just waiting to donate some of his precious ink so the underwater Notarization could happen.” Then, lo and behold, a paperfish appeared from nowhere. Instead of stamping the paperfish, the stampfish took a bite out of it. I asked the guard what happened. The guard informed me that the stampfish was offended that the paperfish hadn’t been signed and dated — this was his way of voicing his underwater displeasure. Then I saw another stampfish who looked like he was high. The guard explained that he had a constant supply of really good sea-weed, and one or two bites of that will get you very high. On my way out of the aquarium there was a huge underwater building. The sign on the building said underwater county recorder. Inside the building there was a huge line of stamp fish. My only thought at this point is — I hope these stampfish have waterproof journals!

On my way toward the exit I saw some lions swearing under Oath. Lyin’ and swearing to uphold the truth – Isn’t that an oxymoron? Then I saw some sheep being sheepish about their loan signing. But they couldn’t pull their wool over my eyes. There was a huge section where there were boars that specialized in 400 page signings where you read every page. It nearly boared me to death. And finally a bobcat who swore under Oath that he was legally Robert Cat.

Finally, I went to the aviary.
That place is for the birds! I saw some birds signing a health directive so they could fight against avarian cancer. I tried to explain that it is o-varian cancer, but they claimed that there are certain types of cancer that only birds get in their old age. Then, an eagle swooped down to avoid one of the guards who was trying to ID him for the Patriot Act.

In any case. I enjoyed the zoo. It was fun. I was slightly disappointed that I couldn’t get a souvenir of a waterproof journal in the gift shop, but maybe next year.

.

You might also like:

Welcome to the Notary Casino
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15255

Scribbles: A Notary Comedy Club
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15258

Notary Aptitude Test
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15853

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