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January 31, 2011

Jeremy’s visit to hell

Filed under: General Stories — admin @ 8:08 am

I asked my guru if I could see heaven.
He said that a person’s spiritual condition dictates whether or not they can be let into heaven. After 25 years of meditation, that is not enough. So, for the rest of you who do not engage in regular tything and devoted prayer multiple times a day, heaven is definitely out of the question. But, you will likely end up in Notary Purgatory where your commission will never expire. I wanted to see the mansions, the halls of records, or at least something that looks like heaven. Sylvia Brown and Jesus hyped the place up and got me all curious. Hmm.

Is there Starbucks in heaven?
If I could live in heaven I would want a mansion to share with some nice people in a huge network of gardens where I could get my divine Starbucks without getting in a car. I would want lots of hiking and things to do. My last request for heaven would be Notaries who administer Oaths, and administer them correctly. However, in heaven, people are honest which defeats the whole purpose of having Notaries in the first place. Hmm once again.

The evil spirits
An angel named Michael recruited me and taught me how to fight evil spirits. Every time I go to Arizona, the evil spirits harass me and do damage to my psychological state, my nervous system, and try to intimidate me as well using their methods. Unfortunately I am able to sense these evil entities and have been since about 2005. The evil spirits did some temporary brain damage to me in 2009 which resulted in severe paranoia, but did not affect my work. In 2016 I started receiving training on how to fight evil spirits. Since I am able to see when nobody else can that is 80% of the battle right there. It is called astral vision (look it up in your astral dictionary.) In late 2017 after a trip to central Eastern Arizona which is littered with BBQ joints and evil spirits who would love to make burnt ends out of me, I was marked. Being marked by evil spirits involves them dumping a bucket of astral matter on your head and body. This subtle matter makes you visible to spirits from far away like a homing beacon. These spirits would otherwise not notice me. In any case, I was being bombarded with spirits night and day. I was waking up in the middle of the night in terror. It is hard to fight back when you are so out of it that you see blurry and are not at all on the ball. In any case, the angels decided that the attacks were good for my learning to fight back, but they would end this by disguising me astrally which worked for the most part. But, before I was disguised, the angels had to escort me to a place that I had never been.

Hell
Hell is a place that Christians, Jews, Muslims, Hindus and Buddhists all believe in. Their ideas about hell might vary, and Buddhists believe in multiple heavens and hells. I think that the Buddhist version is still overly simplified as humans don’t really know how many realms of existence there are in the astral plains.

In any case, I was expecting to see the bosses of corrupt signing companies having a party with all the money they saved from not paying people. This was not the case. There must be a separate hell for them. In any case, during my sleep, some angels decided that I needed a quick visit to hell. So, I went in my spirit body and descended down by floating while being escorted by the protection of angels. Here is what I saw.

There were 50 foot tall conical trellises that got wider as they got higher. These conical structures were made of poles that were covered with embers and littered with human souls that were confined to this inferno. The trellises were open on the top and you could float in, but attached to the ember ridden ground at the bottom. The ground was covered with reddish-black embers and hills as far as I could see into the horizon.

The purpose of the visit was to get “marked” with some of the astral smell or vibration by the boss of the evil spirits who were bothering me. This boss lived on the other side in hell, but had command of spirits on earth. Sounds scary. It is similar to gang bosses who are in jail yet call the shots as to who gets hit.

Afterwards
After I woke up the following morning I had to call the psychic to figure out what had happened and the angels explained it to me. Being marked with a subtle impression of the most evil entities sent a message out to the other evil spirits not to mess with me. It’s a little like wearing gang colors, or spending enough time in a bad neighborhood until you have their vibration and callousness. The spirits bothered me a lot less after my visit to hell which was only about half a minute. I have not been back since, and hope I never see the place again. Since them, the angels tried a much more reliable strategy of shielding me from the evil spirits by cloaking me astrally which was 99% effective (until I visited Riverside, CA for Mexican food.)

My message to Notaries is that heaven and hell are real. you might never see them in your physical incarnations, but they exist. And if you don’t do a good job as a Notary you might end up in Notary hell where demons burn you alive every day for all the sins you committed as Notaries Public. I’m not sure what happens to bad Secretaries of State who let Notaries run wild doing illegal things, but they might join you in Notary Hell.

.

You might also like:

Notary Hell… “Yeah, but its’ a dry heat.”

Notary Hell – “Yeah, but it’s a dry heat”

Compilation of posts about Notary heaven, hell and purgatory

Notary comedy articles about Heaven & Hell

What are Jeremy’s favorite Blog entries?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18837

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January 30, 2011

A Tough Act to Follow

Filed under: Andy Cowan — Tags: , — admin @ 11:05 pm

1923 was a year that made history. President Warren G. Harding unexpectedly died in office, and Calvin Coolidge was sworn in as the thirtieth president by his father, John Calvin Coolidge, Sr.

The public hadn’t exactly been in love with Harding’s scandalous administration. And “Silent Cal,” as the new Prez came to be called, wasn’t exactly Mr. Excitement. But Cal’s old man? Now there was a significant figure. The first and last notary public to swear in the leader of the free world!

Notice I said last. Toss aside the fact there was concern over whether a state notary public had the power to administer the presidential oath of office, which is why Cal repeated the oath after he returned to Washington. For a “silent” guy, he sure liked to take oaths.

No, the real reason John Calvin Coolidge was the last of his kind: His ego exploded.

Recently released transcripts (not authenticated by a notary public, but don’t hold that against me) indicate John Calvin rubbed the noses of his fellow notary publics in his rarified accomplishment.

JCC: “How’s work treating you?”

Fellow notary public: “Fine.”

JCC: “That doesn’t sound too ‘fine’.”

Fellow notary public: “I certified a transaction today.”

JCC: “I swore in the President.”

Fellow notary public: “I swore in the shower. It involved your name and a blunt instrument.”

JCC: “Come again?”

Fellow notary public: “I know you swore in the President. You won’t let anyone forget you swore in the President!”

JCC: “How could anyone forget? It was unforgettable. I put my stamp on the book of history. You put yours on, what was it again?”

Fellow notary public: (mumbling) “A transaction.”

JCC: “Sorry, I forgot.”

Fellow notary public: “Why don’t you take a page from your silent son I’ll gladly certify, and shut your trap?”

JCC: “I don’t need your seal of approval, my little man. The President I raised and whose right hand I raised gave me his, or I wouldn’t have been chosen to raise it!”

KABOOM!

That wasn’t the fellow notary public’s weapon silencing his detractor. It was the sound of an exploding ego.

Andy Cowan is an award-winning writer, producer and performer, whose credits include “Cheers,” “Seinfeld” and “3rd Rock From the Sun.” He can be reached through his website, http://upanddownguys.com

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Notary accidentally gets arrested for robbing a bank?
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I have a dream — Notary version

Filed under: General Stories — Tags: , — admin @ 10:52 pm

I have a dream that this industry will rise up and live out the true meaning of its purpose: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all Notaries are created equal”… except for military Notaries who can only notarize at military bases and Louisiana Notaries who only have jurisdiction in their home parish and reciprocal parishes.

I have a dream that one day in the lobbies of Escrow offices in California, that the sons of former Notaries and the sons of former Loan Officers and Signing Companies will be able to sit down at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that Notaries will live in a nation where they are not judged by the color of their ink, but by the content of the documents they notarize… and whether or not they did well on the 123notary certification exam.

In a sense, we’ve come to our nation’s Secretary of State to cash a check from a signing company (that arrived sixty days late with lots of promises that the check was in the mail.) The check from the signing company was to buy our unalienable rights of a commission with a life of four years, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. It is obvious today that the signing company’s check has bounced. America has given American Notaries a bad check which has come back marked “insufficient funds.”

We cannot notarize alone
And as we notarize, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead
We cannot turn to backdate either

Those who ask the devotees of civil Notary rights, “When will you be satisfied?” We can never be satisfied as long as the Notary is victim to the unspeakable horrors of low-balling, micromanaging, fax-backs, or no pay. We can never be satisfied as our intellectual integrity as Notaries is questioned every year by Notary organizations who wish to subject us to the indignity of retesting us. We cannot be satisfied as we have to continually be background screened and treated like potential criminals. We will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like rolled fingerprints, and righteousness like a mighty stream of ink.

And when this happens, freedom will ring. We will speed up the day when every Notary that uses black ink or blue ink, every Loan Officer, Escrow Officers and Loan Originators, signing company clerks, and agnostics who refuse to use the word God in their Oath wording will be able to join hands and sing the words of the old Negro spiritual — wait a minute, don’t you mean… “African-American?”

$15 per signature at last! $15 per Acknowledgment at last!
Thank God Almighty, we Notaries are free at last!

Disclaimer: (Conditions and terms my vary by state. Notaries who are not licensed Attorneys may not give legal advice. For more information, please call your state’s Notary division)

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Taqueria El Notario — a Notary Taco Joint

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , , — admin @ 3:13 am

We wrote some other fun blog articles about The Notary Hotel, Notary Fast Food, Notary haute cuisine, and others. But, this one is about a notarial taco place. Hope you like it. Just don’t over do it with the hot sauce. It is very potent here.

Dot your eyes, and cross your tortillas!
Welcome to Notary Taco, or as we call it Taqueria El Notario. Please make sure you have errors and “emissions” insurance if you eat the three bean burrito for the sake of our other patrons. Since we had a few Notary wannabe gangsta’s, instead of a drive through window, we have a drive by window. The window is extra low in case you are driving a low rider. I guess I’m a few decades behind the times, but in Los Angeles, we still have a few of those around.

Before you read our menu, please read the following disclosure:

Notice of Right to Carnitas
As a customer of Taqueria El Notario, you have the right to eat carnitas at any time during business hours. There is no limit to how many carnitas tacos you may consume. Please sign and date to indicate that you have read this document and are aware of your right to carnitas… and pastor!

Here are a few of our choice items:

Habanero Rescission Sauce
If you still alive 3 days after consuming this, you have the right to rescind.

Personally Known Pico de Gallo
Eat this regularly with our home-made chips, and you will feel like you know us.

Pollo of Attorney
I know it sounds a bit loco, but our pollo is so good, we got it patented by an Attorney, hence the name!

Backdated Burrito
The freshness of the ingredients is up to date, it is just that we put yesterday’s date on the burrito.

Salsa Verde Venue
State of California; County of Los Angeles! — The salsa is green at this venue

Avocado Affidavit
This chunky guacamole is so good you’ll swear by it!

Tequilla Lime Testimonium Ice Cream
Just be-clause…

Revoked Refried Beans
Eat these and your commission will be suspended, revoked or terminated — if you have gas.

Notary Commission Carnitas
One of our customers has been eating this dish his entire notary commission — hence the name.

Lengua Tacos
Enjoy one of these before you take an Oath.

Quit Claim Quesadillas
One customer liked these so much she sold her house to be able to afford them every day!

Many notaries come here daily. We hope you like our sauces, dishes and desserts. We hope you liked it, and we hope you come again.

You might also like:

Welcome to The Notary Hotel
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=8822

A date with a notary at “Le Jurat”
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4473

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January 29, 2011

Notary Oscars

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , , , — admin @ 10:30 pm

Notary Oscars

Welcome to this year’s Notary Oscars. For best picture…

“Trumbo” – About the black list – where notaries get blacklisted after doing something wrong… like making a profit which the signing companies don’t want them to do, putting them in the black. Not to be confused with the actors at this year’s Oscars – the white list.

“The Big Short” – about getting shorted out of your pay.

“Bridge of Spies” – about signing companies who spy on notaries who say bad things about them on forums.

“Spotlight” – Uncovering the discovery about having non-consensual notarizations with underage signers.

“The Hateful Eight” – About the current Supreme Court complaining about the Notary who doesn’t know how to give an oath to the yet to be appointed new guy.

“Steve Jobs” – About Apple’s refusal to let the government crack the cell phone information of the notary who was about to notarize a terrorist.

“Joy” – About what a notary feels when actually getting paid on time.

“Room” – About what you don’t have if your last name is too long to fit on the signature page.

“The Danish Girl” – About the first male notary who became a female notary, formerly “Robin Schneider” on his commission stamp, now changed to “Robin Schneider”.

“Inside Out” – About a notary who knows his notary law inside out, and to stay consistent, notarizes a document that’s inside out while wearing his shirt inside out.

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Wheel of Fortune — Notary Edition
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Notaries Without Makeup
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A Notary Public Cures Lying
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January 28, 2011

Seinfeld: George’s parents get a vow renewal

Frank & Estelle: George’s parents get a notarized vow renewal.

FRANK: It says here that a Notary can perform a Wedding and that such a Notary licensed to do such an act is referred to as a Wedding Officient.

ESTELLE: Read the fine print where it says that Notary’s can only perform such act in Maine, South Carolina and Florida.

GEORGE: Don’t you guys have a condo you can stay at down in Florida? You could have it done there.

FRANK: We’re not going all the way down to Florida now. We are just getting a vow renewal notarized. Anyone can do that. It is just a glorified Oath.

GEORGE: What’s the point? You’re happily married. You nag each other about everything. What could be better? I would say, if it ain’t broke, why fix it?

ESTELLE: It’s for sentimental reasons. We can get all dressed up in our wedding outfits, appear before a Notary, and state our vows again. How romantic.

GEORGE: (mumbling something) Sounds… great… I guess.

(back in the city)

KRAMER: You’re never going to believe this. I’m getting a second job as a riding instructor! It’s a great way to meet women. I never knew how much women loved horses until I went to this ranch. Gidde up!

GEORGE: Second job? What’s your first job? Since when do you work?

KRAMER: I’m a pastry taster. I’m a trained connoisseur. They call me the sommelier of pastry in the Village.

JERRY: (Rolling his eyes around.) Well, if they pay you… So, George, what’s new with you?

GEORGE: My parents.

JERRY: Oh… (unenthusiastically) What about them?

GEORGE: They’re getting this vow renewal thing done. I don’t really understand what it’s about. I referred them to this guy I know who is a Notary who can do the job.

KRAMER: Oh, that’s wonderful! I’d like to have that done too — if I were married. I’d do it every year!

JERRY: I don’t understand what the big deal is about. But, if they want it, they want it.

(back in the parent’s home)

NOTARY: May I see the document and your ID please?

FRANK: We don’t have a document.

NOTARY: You dragged me all the way out here without a document?

GEORGE: The document dad, you’ve gotta have a document. You told me you would write one up.

ESTELLE: Well, we didn’t think over what we were going to say. We were spending too much time on our outfits. How do we look? Does this dress make me look fat?

GEORGE: No, not a bit mom.

NOTARY: Well, you’ve gotta have a document, or at least some wording that I can perform an Oath on.

FRANK: You mean we invited twelve of our closest friends, spent 98 dollars and 12 cents on hors d’ouvres, and we can’t get notarized without a document?

GEORGE: You gotta have a document. And preferably current identification too.

ESTELLE: I don’t need identification. I don’t drive.

NOTARY: This is going to be a long day. I charge a travel fee plus waiting time you know.

FRANK: And we owe him this too. We — are unprepared!

ESTELLE: I guess your training in the army has worn off.

FRANK: You can say that again!

GEORGE: Well, why don’t we just write a little something up now. Do you have any paper?

FRANK: I have this expensive party napkin your mother forced me to buy at the party store. Each one cost 77 cents if I calculate correctly.

GEORGE: Well, then it will be a very expensive Oath. Better yet, let me call Kramer… (ring ring)

KRAMER: You need a wedding vow renewal Oath? Just look one up on Google. They have tons of them there. Whoa horsy.

GEORGE: You’re talking on the phone while you’re riding?

KRAMER: There’s no law against it. You should just avoid texting while galloping. They have a thing about that over here on the ranch.

GEORGE: You just be careful. And could you bring us over some leftover pastries while you’re at your 1st job?

KRAMER: You got it.

FRANK: This vow you printed out is perfect.

ESTELLE: I’ll start.

Good evening everyone. All of you look terrific. My name is Estelle, and before me is a New York State Notary Public, but not a wedding officiant. We gather here to renew our life-cycle celebrant. It is my honor to be present at this vow renewal. Before we begin, please make sure to turn your phone ringers on full blast, so if someone’s phone rings, we know who to blame. Please rise.

One of the wonderful things about vow renewals is that they also serve as a multi-family reunion. Let us honor the parents in this event… Unfortunately, they couldn’t make it. Let us honor the children in this event.

Now, Groom and Groom, I now ask that we read this excerpt from Plato’s symposium… Groom and Groom? Georgie.. where did you get this script from?

GEORGE: The internet mom. I thought we were in a hurry, so I got the first script I could get my hands on.

FRANK: No problem, just have the Notary read it, and where it says Groom and Groom, change it to Bride and Groom, or Groom and Bridge. Whichever he likes better.

(10 minutes later)

NOTARY: Please raise your right hands — So, do you Frank take Estelle as your renewed Bride, and to honor her and cherish her forever and ever and ever, so long as you shall both live?

FRANK: Even into the afterlife — if there is one.

NOTARY: And do you Estelle, take Frank as your renewed Groom, and will honor, cherish, obey, and love him so long as you both shall life?

ESTELLE: I do, but he is supposed to obey me, and I’m not so sure about all of this afterlife mumbo-jumbo.

NOTARY: I now pronounce you renewed husband and wife. You may kiss the other Groom… I mean the Bride. Boy, this script keeps you on your toes!

ESTELLE: Now, it’s cake time! We had our cake made to look like a Jurat. Guess what piece you are getting Mr. Notary?

NOTARY: Ummm

ESTELLE: You get the Venue!

NOTARY: Oh… It’s wonderful, but I think the county is Queens here not New York.

ESTELLE: Once you’ve had a few shots of rum, you won’t know the difference. Drink up!

.

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George Lopez Notary Public

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: — admin @ 10:10 am

GEORGE: Hey Angie, I think we need a Notary for Carmen’s report card.

ANGIE: Okay, I can call one. Can you use the online yellow pages.

GEORGE: I prefer the paginas amarillos, but I’ll settle for whatever I can get.

ANGIE: If you use the paginas amarillos, you will get a Notario Publico. I’m not sure if that’s even legal.

GEORGE: Just as long as it’s barely legal. You know what I mean. Like that swim suit you wore last year.

ANGIE: Hey, I like that swim suit.

GEORGE: Me too!

ERNIE: Hey guys. I overheard you need a Notary to notarize a swim suit? That’s going to be one very small notarization in two pieces.

ANGIE: You can’t notarize a swim suit.

GEORGE: I know, there would be hardly anything to notarize, in your case.

ERNIE: You know, I just had lunch. I saw some old ladies eating potatoes. How pathetic, you know?

GEORGE: I know. You saw mamas eating papas.

CARMEN: Very funny. Like cannibalism. Like the time I went to have Japanese food at a cannibalistic restaurant where the first item on the menu was Raw Men.

GEORGE: Hey Carmen, you are too young to be eating raw men. At least cook them first and get some frijoles tambien!

CARMEN: For your information, my report card cannot be notarized. We need your signature on a document saying that you saw my report card.

ANGIE: Oh, so now we are getting technical.

CARMEN: If you don’t get technical, the notarization will not be honored or even possible.

GEORGE: Good point. Which of my ID’s should I use?

ANGIE: The one that’s not expired!

GEORGE: Oh, I better check. But, don’t we need to draft a document?

BENNY: I can draft the document. I have plenty of experience with this getting my ex-boyfriends out of jail and getting their vehicles out of impound. What does the document need to say?

ANGIE: It says right here?

GEORGE: Can I write it in Spanish and then get a certified translator?

BENNY: That’s gonna cost you, and there’s no guarantee the translation will be correct.

GEORGE: Well, what if I pretend I can’t speak English, then can the Notary still Notarize my signature?

ANGIE: I think that direct communication is required for notarizing a person’s signature in most states according to the 123notary.com blog.

GEORGE: 123notary? Well why use the paginas amarillos when we can use uno dos tres notary punto com!

VIC: It sounds more like a Cuban radio station the way you say it. It makes me want to get my congas out of the closet because they are collecting dust.

ANGIE: But, if you play them you will be raising the dust, and we wouldn’t want that!

VIC: Silence, and let the master take part in his trade…. Rumba… my boriquen rumba… ay mi dios my rumba, sumba y catumba… felices!!!!

ANGIE: What happened to ritmo cubano?

VIC: This one is Puerto Rican, just like the Notary who’s coming in five minutes. I already arranged the meeting and drafted the document. You see. I am a step ahead of you. All I ask, is that you let him lead. Notaries from San Juan are like that.

NOTARY: I’m here! Which one of you is Vic.

VIC: Me, of course, the good looking one papi.

GEORGE: I’m good looking too… most of the time, at least when I’ve had my hair done. I’m the signer, so here is my ID.

NOTARY: You don’t look like the guy in the photo.

GEORGE: Oh that’s because I had my hair done for the photo, but didn’t today. But, the eyebrows should match. See???

NOTARY: Hmm. Okay. Sign here, and then sign my journal.

GEORGE: Journal? Nobody told me anything about a journal.

NOTARY: Su firma aqui por favor!

GEORGE: Okay… ahorita!

NOTARY: Stamps the form. Here you are. Your daughter is off the hook. Your DJ, that’s another story. I know a good conga teacher not far from here.

VIC: Hey, I am practically a professional, what are you talking about? Hey, doesn’t George have to swear under Oath?

NOTARY: Not today. Maybe next time if you are lucky. Just keep your arm flexible just in case I ask you to raise your right hand.

.

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January 27, 2011

You know you’re a notary when…

You know you’re a Notary Public when…

(1) You go to a bar and ID the bartender before he has a chance to ID you.
(2) You ID every girl you date even when their high school yearbook is over 18
(3) You like Oreo cookies because they’re embossed.
(4) Your favorite ice cream is from Jen & Sherry’s, Rescinded Rum Raisin
(5) You background screen your golf buddies before going out into the course with them
(6) You have a bumper sticker that says “I’d rather be signing”
(7) You spend so much time with your GPS that you make Siri sign a prenup.
(8) You spend so much time with your GPS that you know all of its most intimate pieces of information such as favorite foods, birthdays, favorite roads, and mother’s maiden name.
(9) You become famous, people ask for your autograph and you’d rather have theirs
(10) Your mailbox and inbox are cluttered by twelve different notary organizations.
(11) Your Jewish son meets a nice Jewish girl and you ask, “Is she a notary?”
(12) Your favorite seafood is squid because it never needs an ink refill.
(13) When you get your parking validated, you rip the stamp out of the person’s hands so you can stamp it yourself.
(14) You comment, “Gee, your hairstyle doesn’t match your ID,” when you meet someone at a bar.
(15) You compliment people on their signatures — “Gee, that’s a lovely cursive.”
(16) You take pawprints of the animals in the neighborhood just in case they get lost.
(17) You spend your spare time last weekend writing a letter to the State of Nevada criticizing them for allowing drivers licenses to be valid for 20 years.
(18) When you go to court (for whatever reason) you correct the bailiff’s Oath wording.
(19) You wear a T-shirt saying, “I’m not your husband’s mistress, I’m the Notary!”
(20) You have an NNA towel that you take to the beach (if such a thing exists)
(21) All guests entering your house must personally appear before you and sign the journal, put a date and time, plus reason for entry.
(22) Your favorite California wine is the Notary Public Cabernet – You’d swear under oath it’s the best vino there is if you weren’t busy slurring your notary verbiage
(23) When your friend asked you, “Can I turn left here?” You respond, “I am not an Attorney and may not answer legal questions or perform loan signings in the state of Georgia. I am just a Notary.”
(24) When you go to cocktail parties and people ask what you do you respond, “Next question.”
(25) When you go to a bar, you always order their signature drinks.
(26) When someone asks how old your young children are, instead of measuring their age in weeks or months, you measure it in fractions of a commission. Oh this one? Judy? Yeah, we got her during my 2nd commission. But, Fred over here we’ve had since before I was commissioned at all. He must be getting old now.
(27) You ask your Jewish friends if they need their kid’s Bar-Mitzvahs Notarized.
(28) If your friend invites you to a party and then calls you to change the venue, you offer to initial the change.
(29) You have a bumper sticker saying — Warning, I brake for Mortgage Brokers.
(30) You have another bumper sticker saying — Notary on Board
(31) You have a happy hour menu with special prices for Jurats.
(32) Your favorite Chinese restaurant has fortune cookies that read — He who backdate live long life, but have short commission.
(33) You have a special credit card that gives double miles if you stay at The Notary Hotel
(34) When you see a girl with a nice tan, you comment that she must have used a lot of toner to get that look.
(35) When you go out for steak you only get certified Angus steak.
(36) When charitable organizations send you 500 labels with your home address on it, you throw them out as you prefer to use a customized stamp.
(36) Your favorite movie was — Honey, I Notarized the Kids.

.

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Notary Aptitude Test
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Lakota Notary Woman

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:19 am

Perhaps you have seen the film entitled Lakota Woman. Well this blog is about Lakota Notary Woman. She does her Notarizations the tribal way.

SHELLY: Hi, I need something notarized?

LAKOTA NOTARY: Well you have come to the right place. But, I must inform you. We do our notarizations the Lakota way.

SHELLY: Is that something your state notary division requires?

LAKOTA NOTARY: Not exactly. It’s not prescribed and not prohibited. The sun dance on the other hand was illegal for a long time.

SHELLY: Well today’s not that sunny so it shouldn’t be a problem. In any case, here is my document. It is an Affidavit of eye witness. I witnessed a crime taking place and the police wanted me to have this notarized.

LAKOTA NOTARY: Hmmm. Okay, could you sign it in my presence. We need to do a Jurat if you want an Oath with this Affidavit. But, you are the one who chooses what notary act you want. So… would you like a Jurat or something else?

SHELLY: Just as long as it has your stamp.

LAKOTA NOTARY: Yeah… about that. Ummm. How can I explain this to a “wasicun.”

SHELLY: Is that the name for us now? I believe in being politically correct and prefer to be called a “Wasicun-American.”

LAKOTA NOTARY: It means one who is not from our tribe who robs us of our resources. But, because you are paying me, you are giving resources to our people. Hmmm. We’ll have to find a new name for people who meet your description.

SHELLY: How about “Human Being?”

LAKOTA NOTARY: More like, “Human from other tribe who pay us cold hard cash.”

SHELLY: That has kind of a ring to it.

LAKOTA NOTARY: Okay, anyway, politics aside, and with our people, politics is never aside by the way, please sign the document.

SHELLY: Here ya go!

LAKOTA NOTARY: Would you like to swear under Oath or affirm on your honor? Buffalos prefer Oaths but dogs prefer affirmations… oh yes they do, isn’t that right… isn’t that right?

SHELLY: I’ll stick to an Oath.

LAKOTA NOTARY: Okay, do you solemnly swear that the contents of this document are the truth, so help you the great spirit?… That’s what we call God around here. It’s a Lakota thing.

SHELLY: I do.

LAKOTA NOTARY: Now…. in our culture, we don’t stamp documents, we do a stampede. WE believe we are the descendants of buffalos. So, I will do a buffalo stampede on your document.

SHELLY: That might tear the document. The police might not like that

(Lakota Notary lady puts on her buffalo outfit… does tribal song and dance to tape recording of buffalos stampeding. Takes toy buffalos and stampedes them across the document and then stamps the document.)

LAKOTA NOTARY: This is a ritual of our people to honor our ancestors the buffalos. Plus we like playing the drum, buffalos and dancing. But, I gave you the 20 second version because I know how you busy people are. But, there is one last thing we do during our buffalo style notarizations.

SHELLY: What is that?

LAKOTA NOTARY: We end it with a buffalo slider burger with green chili from our Zuni brothers from the South in New Mexico.

SHELLY: Oh, yummm. This is good, and just the right size. Thanks, and I’ll call again if I need to be stampeded… I mean notarized.

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Notarization on the Steve Harvey Show

STEVE: I have a surprise for you. Do you know why we invited you here today?

CAROL: I have no idea, honestly no idea.

STEVE: Well, I’ll give you a hint. Have you ever had anything notarized?

CAROL: No, I can’t think of anything that I’ve ever had notarized.

STEVE: Well think harder. Think fifteen years ago.

CAROL: Hmmm. I’m coming up with a blank.

STEVE: Well, you might not remember this notary, but he remembers you. And he has something of yours that you gave him when he last saw you back in 1994.

CAROL: 1994?

STEVE: Here he is!

CAROL: Oh my god, Oh my god! Randy. I remember you, but forgot that you were a Notary. And that’s the necklace I gave you. I remember it all now!

STEVE: Well, brace yourself. You better sit down. Because Randy has something that he wants to ask you!

CAROL: Oh my god. I can’t believe this is happening. Yes Randy. What did you want to ask me.

RANDY: Carol, I met you almost twenty years ago, and I have never forgotten you. You have been on my mind ever since. I realized that when we talked, back in 1994 the conversation was so meaningful. But, there’s one thing that has been on my mind that I have been needing to ask you ever since.

CAROL: One thing? Sure, ask anything you want. I just am not prepared for what you might ask.

RANDY: Carol… will you…ummm… how can I put this. Remember the notarization I did for you back in 1994. My journal said that it was for an Affidavit of Occupancy.

CAROL. Oh yeah, now I remember. That was to lock in a particular interest rate on that house.

RANDY: Well, we got so wrapped up in conversation that I forgot to ask you one thing. Carol, will you… um… will you complete the Oath that I forgot to ask you for that Affidavit of Occupancy? I kept a copy of that document all these years with the necklace you gave me.

CAROL: Oh my god, you still have that?

RANDY: Please raise your right hand. Do you solemnly swear that the information in this Affidavit of Occupancy are true and correct and that you agree to the conditions in the document?

CAROL: I do.

RANDY: I’m so relieved. Because, in my notary career, I never violated notary law, not even once. But, I realized that failing to administer an Oath for a Jurat on an Affidavit is grounds for suspension, termination, or revocation of your notary license. I’m so glad that I administered that Oath, and got it out of my system.

CAROL: You came all the way to have me on TV, just for that?

RANDY: Oh, and one more thing.

CAROL: Yes?

RANDY: Carol…. will you marry me?

CAROL: Oh my god! Yes I will, well, at least we can start dating. But, on one condition.

STEVE: The sister has conditions? I gotta hear this!

RANDY: Sure, that’s fine

CAROL: I will need a notary statement stating that you want to date me and that you will take me out for penne arrabiata at Carmino’s Italian Restaurant.

RANDY: That’s a little odd. Would you like the notarization to be a Jurat, Acknowledged signature, Protest, or an Oath.

CAROL: I’d prefer a Jurat with an accompanying Oath. And yes, I’ll keep a copy of that document to show you in 2034!

STEVE: This is amazing. I’ve never seen anything like this in my career. Just one question for Randy.

RANDY: Ask away!

STEVE: Randy, I’ve never been notarized, ever. I just want to know what it is like being notarized, just to get it out of my system. Can you notarize me?

RANDY: On camera? The camera adds 10 pounds to any signature you know.

STEVE: That’s okay. So, what’s the first step.

RANDY: I’ll need to see some ID sir!

STEVE: What, you don’t know me? I’m Steve Harvey — I’m famous. You don’t need to ID ME!

RANDY: Well, actually it is a legal requirement here.

STEVE: Oh allright. I was just playing with you. Here’s my ID. Which one you want. I got five of them.

RANDY: Your driver’s license will work.

STEVE: Allright, now what do I gotta do. Do you want me to sign something?

RANDY: If you don’t have a document, you could have something typed up.

STEVE: Well what do you want it to say?

RANDY: It can say anything you want just as long as you sign it.

STEVE: Hmmm, I’m gonna have to think about that. (he looks to the left, looks up, and looks around) I thought about it and I know what I want to say now.

RANDY: What is it?

STEVE: I wanna say, I’m Steve Harvey, and I’m smooth like butter.

RANDY: We can do that. Just sign the journal here. (staff hands him the typed up paper) Sign the document here. I’ll attach an Acknowledgment certificate, stamp it… we’re done!

STEVE: That’s it? That was easy. I didn’t feel a thing.

RANDY: It’s a fairly standard act.

STEVE: Well, I want to wish you and Carol the best of luck on your first date. In fact, we are going to pay the first $200 of your date’s expenses for dinner for two at Maggiano’s in Los Angeles. That is the fanciest, most amazing Italian restaurant anywhere in California. I love that place! Then, get this — are you ready? You can have another $200 for your next date and a gift certificate for two to see a 3d movie or movie of your choice at IMAX in Universal Studios.

CAROL: Wow Steve. This is the best day of my life. I never expected any of this.

RANDY: Thanks Steve. I don’t know how to thank you.

STEVE: Well, you can thank me with a notarized statement if you really want to know how to get to the bottom of my heart!

.

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