Have you heard of the Notary Hotel or Notary Motel? If you have been working for high paying title companies, you can now afford the Notary Hyatt, but the breakfast isn’t included unless you have a special arrangement.
CHECK IN
NOTARY: Hi, I’m here to check in. I have a reservation for tonight.
CLERK: Ah yes, Mr. Public We’ve been awaiting your arrival.
NOTARY: Do I sign your journal based on the date I made the reservation or the date I check in?
CLERK: The date you check in — of course. Sign right here. And I will need a thumbprint.
NOTARY: Well I’m all thumbs — and besides, I’m too nice to give you the finger. Is it one journal entry per person per room, or one entry per person regardless of how many rooms?
CLERK: Just one journal entry, unless it is a corporate sale.
NOTARY: Do I get one key or two? And how about a pool wristband?
CLERK: The wristband has your inmate number on it, but can no longer be used for notarization per the new civil code 4583.45.
NOTARY: Oh, that’s too bad, but I don’t see myself being notarized in the hot tub. This is the first time I’ve heard “notarized” and “hot” in the same sentence.
CLERK: We certify that it gets up to 125. Don’t scald yourself. But you can get notarized underwater in the pool using our new underwater eNotary technology.
NOTARY: Great. If they drown, I can notarize their Death Certificate. Is the underwater eNotary technology hands free? My mother told me never to use electric appliances in the bath tub.
CLERK: No you just use your finger like you would paying your bill at a restaurant on one of those eSignatures. You can even buy a wet noodle underwater using our system.
NOTARY: That’s great, because I want to visit your Chinese spot next door. Can I get a Chinese continental breakfast with Shao Bing You Tiao tomorrow?
CLERK: Sorry — wrong continent. But, I will give you a complimentary breakfast ticket. Use it from 6am to 10am downstairs — don’t lose this. And here is your room key. It looks like a notary seal, just affix it to the rectangular pad on your door to get in.
MAID SERVICE: You will love our soaps in your room. We have one soap that is made with squid ink — especially for Notaries. An ancient Chinese saying says it helps you notarize better.
NOTARY: Hmm, never knew Confucius ever needed a Notary.
MAID SERVICE: Oh all the time. During the analects, he had to see a Notary several times in fact. And one more thing. There is a password to get into your room. We do this to keep the fake Notaries out. The computer embedded in the door will ask you to give Oath verbiage just to make sure you are upholding the law as a Notary Public. If you fail to give an applicable Oath, you might have to come down for a tutoring session before you get to sample our soaps.
NOTARY: I heard the remote for the TV was shaped like a Notary seal.
MAID SERVICE: That it is. But it is not one of those PhD remotes. It is really simple. Here, let me emboss your breakfast card so you can get a free omelette.
NOTARY: Cool, I mean hot.
(meanwhile the notary goes to his room.)
NOTARY: Wow, this joint is plush city… I wonder what’s on television. Oh, the Notary Channel. Who would have thought. Oh, another Notary channel for adults — Lucy embosses the seven sailors. Very naughty. I wonder how I can see a movie. Oh, I need to be notarized to see a movie to make sure I did not hit the buy key by mistake. My remote does a print out, I sign it, and then maid service notarizes it? Hmm. Let me ring.
MAID SERVICE: Hola — lociento pero no Ingles senor.. Just kidding!!!! You rang? Need something notarized? I love this concept. I am notarizing a Notary. Isn’t that like marrying your sister?
NOTARY: Not exactly. Here is the printout. I am ordering the movie Nancy breaks down the acknowledgment process. Something nerdy to fall asleep to.
MAID SERVICE: Oh, that is a good film. Nancy gets arrested in part three because she does something illegal by mistake because she skimmed through the tutorial instead of mastering the materials.
NOTARY: Finally a notary so bad, even Nicholas Cage won’t star in it. I gotta see this. Okay, here is my ticket. Please notarize it.
MAID SERVICE: This is a form is the same as a credit card receipt. There is no room for my notary seal!!! Just kidding, we use a small one for these forms. We have a customized seal for it in fact that we use just for movies. It is cleared with the Secretary of State too.
NOTARY: Super. How much do I owe you?
MAID SERVICE: Just a review on Yelp please. That is worth more than gold — providing it is a good review.
NOTARY: Well I’m going to say how you ruined the movie by telling me what happens in part 3.
MAID SERVICE: But, I didn’t tell you how it ends… So there will still be mucho suspense!
NOTARY : Good point.
(At breakfast)
Wow, I just love these eight large bronze circular containers with lids. This is a high-class breakfast. Or should I say Hyatt class. Hmm, the breakfast skillet looks good with the sausage, potatoes, onions, and peppers, I’ve never seen this before except at Denny’s, well, the pictures in the menu at Denny’s. Oh, certified Costa Rican coffee. That looks good. I love this place. (20 minutes later) Time to go back upstairs.
(At door to room)
DOOR: Please administer an Oath to me for a document that says, “I want to take a shower.”
NOTARY: I don’t understand the question.
DOOR: Entry denied.
NOTARY: Hey, I paid a lot to stay here!!!
DOOR: But, this hotel is for Notaries only. If you don’t know how to administer an Oath, you are not a real Notary. You are fraud. Fraud alert buz buzz buzz. Fraud alert.
NOTARY: Okay okay okay. Do you solemly Affirm that whatever… that I want to take a shower.”
DOOR: BUZZZ wrong!!! You are having ME swear that I want to take a shower, not that YOU want to take a shower. And in an Oath, you swear not affirm. Don’t they teach you anything in Notary school?
NOTARY: In my state we don’t have Notary school.
DOOR: You can say that again. Please go downstairs for your tutorial and we will need to re-zap your key.
NOTARY: Is that the correct verb, to zap my key for another 24 hours of entry?
DOOR: Some people say “re-key” or configure your key.
(meanwhile downstairs)
TEACHER: Hello student. Do you know the difference between an Oath and an Affirmation?
NOTARY: Ummm.. Aren’t they the same?
TEACHER: They can be used interchangeably, but if the customer requests one, you cannot give them the other, that would be choosing the notary act for them and these are distinctly different, yet interchangeable notary acts.
NOTARY: Umm, but what if the signer doesn’t want to talk about God?
TEACHER: You can recommend an Affirmation if they don’t like God — their maker. But you cannot choose for them.
NOTARY: What if they object to the absence of God?
TEACHER: Not in this century. This is the no God century. I’ll be surprised if the entire earth doesn’t fry. Hell, fire and brimstone!!! Just say to the door, “Do you solemnly swear that you want to take a shower?” Then, wait for the door to say yes. Then, you will have to figure out how to get the door in the shower, and how it will have privacy where there is no door in the doorway.
NOTARY: Hmmm, very good point. But, wouldn’t it be the computer in the door that wants a shower? Perhaps we could give it a waterproof shower using new technology. Unless the door is just testing me.
(back upstairs)
NOTARY: I’m ready. I’m putting my key in, or my notary seal against the stamp pad. Open sesame.
DOOR: I have signed this paper and want an Acknowledged signature. Would that be okay?
NOTARY: Well I don’t feel comfortable notarizing something that you already signed. Can you sign it again?
DOOR: How badly do you want your shower with the soap with squid ink in it — in minute quantities of course.
NOTARY: Okay I’ll do it. Will I end up in jail like Nancy?
DOOR: If you read (not skimmed) but read your handbook, you would know. Access granted.
NOTARY: What a relief. Just as a disclaimer, the real Hyatt does not do stuff like this. They just let you into your room with your key with no notary questions. This blog is about the Notary Hyatt — completely different place. But, you know something. I like this place so much, I’d like to stay here for the rest of my commission until my expiration date. I wonder if they can make me a key that works for that long. In any case, I have appointments today, so I have to check out. Let’s see how that procedure works.
FRONT DESK: Please destroy your notary seal key and bring it to the Secretary of State County Clerk office on the main floor.
NOTARY: Where is that?
FRONT DESK: The next desk over. You will need to take your Oath of non-office there too now that you are checking out. It’s like a Notary Oath of office in reverse.
NOTARY: Got it. I’m filled with energy from the waffles, so I think I can handle it. See you next time.
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A Notary Union — how would that work?
One Notary wanted a Notary Union. But, would a union help? What would happen? He wanted rates fixed at $150 per signing. It’s not legal to fix rates and $150 is too high.
Contracts
Signing companies would have to sign a contract with the union if they wanted to get some of the better veteran signing agents. Most or many veterans would join the union. The companies that hired union Notaries would only be able to hire union Notaries, and with a long term contract at ridiculous prices. Meanwhile the non-union signing companies would be able to hire anyone who wasn’t a union Notary. The problem here is that Title companies are only willing to pay so much. And if the union had a meeting where they were going to raise their rate to $160 per signing, they would virtually put the signing company out of business.
This is similar to what happened with car manufacturers and manufacturing in the Midwest which moved permanently to China leaving the union guys without a job at all. Unions helped certain Midwesterners and people in other parts of the country make extra money for about two or three decades by artificially controlling market conditions — and then the mother companies discovered a place called Asia and the party was over which led to mass unemployment.
Union Fees
Notaries would have to pay union fees, and go to union meetings. Very few Notaries make it to the NNA annual conference, so how will they make it to meetings? Notaries have so little money already, how will they pay fees? Most are not even full-time?
Corruption
Unions basically give privelege to a few of the workers, but do not help workers as a whole. In Boston in the 1980’s, certain more established classes of workers gained privelege to union jobs while Blacks and Puerto Ricans were generally left out until affirmative action became more prevelant. There is also a lot of power politics going in within unions for control. To me, unions are mafia-like power grabbing organizations which force companies to pay an elite group of workers above market level wages. This leaves those without social favor out of the picture and bankrupts companies in the long run. In the long run unions lead to unemployment, unfairness and misery.
The Solution
So, what is the solution to unfair wages? Markets! Fair and open markets solve all wage related problems. With open markets you get paid what you are worth. The problems the Notaries are facing these days is that there are lots of unskilled people who can do Notary work. They might not do a good job, but they can function with guidance. The skills of highly skilled Notaries are no longer valued like in the old days, and that is why the market hires too many unskilled Notaries and doesn’t pay the worthwhile Notaries enough — at least until signing companies come to their senses.
The Cause of the Problem
Part of the reason this is the case is because there are SO FEW highly skilled and reliable Notaries, that you can’t base your business model on only hiring the best. You might get a few “best” notaries, and the rest will be slouches! That is not a consistent business model. Most Notaries on 123notary just don’t know their documents, don’t know what information is where, and don’t know what to do if there is trouble. Most of our Notaries make a lot of claims of how good they are, but really only 250 Elite Certified Notaries on 123notary are hot stuff in my opinion. Those ultra-experienced and highly educated stampers are worth $150 per signing in most cases. The “regular” 123notary certified Notaries are worth about $100 per signing (in my opinion) and the un-123notary certified Notaries are worth $50. If you don’t know anything and have hardly any experience, why should you be paid much more than minimum wage?
My issue is NOT that Notaries are not paid a decent wage. My issue is that the 250 Elite Certified Notaries on our site who merit a better wage are not usually getting it. As for the uncertified majority, the fact that you get work at all is a miracle. I personally would not hire someone who couldn’t pass my test. My test doesn’t guarantee that you are a great Notary — however, it determines that you are at least worth trying and have potential and know your basics.
If it were up to me, anyone who didn’t pass our elite test wouldn’t be allowed to do any signing agent work. After all, this is a serious profession where you routinely handle half million dollar loans. Why hire someone who is any less than highly qualified for such critical work?
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