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December 23, 2016

Flashpoint — Notary job for a hostage with a multimillion dollar contract

Dave had a multimillion dollar contract for a very rare biotech machine that was one of a kind. He was to meet the buyer in a high rise downtown. But, Dave was taken hostage in the lobby 10 minutes before the signing. The subject (Tom) needed the machine to save his brother who was dying of a rare disease.

TOM: (Pointing gun) Drop the briefcase and come with me.

DAVE: I can’t, this is a very important contract.

TOM: I’m afraid you don’t have a choice.

SECURITY: Help, 911, there’s a man with a gun. Send a strategic response team immediately!

TOM: Drop your cell phone and slide it over to me. Now, Dave, I need that machine you’re selling for my sick brother. I have no choice. I have to do this. Let’s go upstairs to where the buyer is waiting.

.

You might also like:

The Opposite: How George Costanza changed his Notary career
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17017

Shark Tank: 123notary wants to sell 10% of its shares
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16021

Compilation of Notary sit-com episodes
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15949

.

(The two of them go upstairs)

NOTARY: Hi, I’m the Notary, and by the way, did you find me on 123notary.com?

TOM: I wasn’t the one who made the call.

DAVE: Yes you were.

NOTARY: Oh great, can you write a review for me on my listing.

TOM: This is not the time to be talking about reviews (waving gun around.)

NOTARY: Oh, did you want me to notarize your gun?

TOM: NO. I want the biotech machine to save my dying brother.

(ring ring)

TOM: Don’t answer that. I’ll get this.

GREG: Hi, this is Sargeant Greg Parker from the strategic response unit. I understand you have a hostage up there.

TOM: Yes Greg, we do.

GREG: That was a smart thing to do, taking a hostage. That really changes the game.

TOM: What are you, a professional negotiator?

GREG: Yes Tom, that is what I am. I’m here to try to work out your situation. Would you mind telling me your name?

TOM: Um, I can’t. I didn’t want to do this. I just need the machine to save my dying brother. I’ve never done anything like this (waving gun) Stand back!

GREG: Is the machine in the building where you are?

TOM: They won’t tell me where it is. And even if I have it, I don’t know how it works.

GREG: Sounds like one of the guns our team uses that’s in storage. I don’t know where it is, or how it works. If I press the wrong button, only God knows what will happen.

TOM: What?

(crash — Jules rams the door and barges into the room)

JULES: Put your weapons down!!!!

ED: Put your weapons down…

JULES: There’s only one weapon, so let’s use the singular.

ED: Copy that!!! Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to put your gun down.

NOTARY: I have a seal, should I drop my seal? I think of it as kind of a weapon.

ED: Yes, put the seal on the table.

GREG: Do you have the solution?

ED: I have the solution, and Jules has eyes on the subject although he’s nothing much to look at.

JULES: Hey, I like him. It’s just that I’m (oops) not allowed to talk about them… Sam… since that’s a conflict of interest.

GREG: I’ll pretend that I didn’t hear that so I don’t get fired. Now, put down the weapon so that we can talk this over.

TOM: I need that machine.

GREG: That’s not going to happen. We can’t give you that machine. But, if you don’t put your gun down, we’ll have to use lethal force against you. Do you understand that? They your brother will die and so will you.

TOM: No, I won’t!!!

GREG: Okay…. Scorpio

(blast)

GREG: What was that?

ED: It seems to be a gas explosion in another part of the building.

TOM: Okay, I’ll put my gun down. I don’t want to die.

JULES: You came inches from it.

DAVE: You know what, I can let your brother use my machine. But, only under my supervision.

TOM: You will? Gee thanks!

ED: And you can see the whole thing from a monitor — in jail. Put your hands in the air. You have the right to remain silent.

NOTARY: I can give him an Oath of silence. That’s one of my duties as a Notary Public.

Ed: That won’t be necessary.

NOTARY: I also do weddings and bar-mitzvahs.

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April 15, 2016

David Schwimmer on The Apprentice

Filed under: Popular on Facebook (A little),Sit-Coms — Tags: — admin @ 10:07 am

A team of apprentices was hired to assist David Schwimmer with marketing his Notary business. (No actual celebrities were harmed in the making of this blog.) David started his Notary business a year ago if you can call such inactivity a business.

DONALD TRUMP: I’ve assembled two groups of very competent people. Nowhere near as competent as me, but you knew that. And if you didn’t know that, you should be fired. Both groups will be responsible for marketing David’s Notary business. The way you market this business is up to you. And may the best way win!

(At this point the two teams go off into their private quarters and strategize. They will be back with a finished plan in an hour.)

JACK FROM TEAM 1: Our team decided to help David grow his Notary business by utilizing the omnipotent power of the web. We created a budget that would allow David to create his own website as well as advertise on the NNA’s Signing Agent directory as well as Notary Cafe which is another popular directory. Our total budget is estimated to be $10,000 to create, maintain and market this website for the first year, and that budget includes the fees for the other directories mentioned.

DONALD TRUMP: Jack, I am thrilled that you’ve figured out how to use the power of the web. My 2 year-old nephew has figured out the power of the web. What I want to know is – can you use it efficiently and effectively? And by the way, those are two different things, just like human hair and my hair are two different things. And secondly, having a website is a huge drain of money and time, and after all of the time you put into it, there’s no guarantee that even one person will ever see it. Your resources could be better spent on other avenues that have already been established. And by the way, I’m talking avenues that don’t even have buildings with my name on them.

You need to use established avenues. But without using them in the proper way, you’ll be ignored more than anybody alive I will ever run against. Advertising on a website makes you visible, but focusing on creating the perfect presentation on your listing will get you seen and get you phone calls. What I want to know is – how do you plan on dressing up your listings, so you don’t waste your time, or mine, and mine is worth a helluva lot more than yours by the way.

Last but not least, you’re not advertising on 123Notary.com, the worlds’ best notary site ever. And I’m talking EVER.

PHOEBE FROM TEAM 2: Our team decided to go for a more grass roots approach to marketing Dave’s business. Rather than utilizing the power of the web, we thought it would be more effective to take a personal approach to marketing by getting to know the Attorneys in our area, and using the 123notary.com list of best signing companies to prospect for work. Our plan requires a budget of only $1000 for marketing labor and to get David’s business booming. Additionally, Attorneys pay Notaries a lot more than most other clients and have many uses for Notaries including jail visits, Power of Attorney signings, Living Wills, and more.

DONALD TRUMP: That’s a good thing that you’re not wasting money on your plan. I like that! I also like the fact that you’re helping David get more buck for the bang by getting him some premium clients. However, you’ve missed some very obvious channels to market David’s business. Advertising on web directories is relatively inexpensive, and it takes only minutes to set up a profile that could be seen by thousands of key industry players. Additionally, I like your plan to contact hundreds of signing companies screened by 123notary.com. That is a solid plan. However, did it occur to you also to contact all of the local title companies within 90 minutes of your home location? They need local Notaries, and they would be very likely to hire David. Last, but not least, you forgot to advertise on 123notary.com. There is no other web directory as effective for bringing in high paying title companies than 123notary.com. Hello?? It’s 123. Even my 2 year-old nephew can count to 123.

PHOEBE FROM TEAM 2: I forgot. I’ll never forget anything again, I promise.

DONALD TRUMP: You’re fired.

PHOEBE FROM TEAM 2: Why?

DONALD TRUMP: I can’t stand liars.

PHOEBE FROM TEAM 2: Nice hair.

DONALD TRUMP: In this case, I’ll make an exception.

.

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Friends: Phoebe’s boyfriend won’t take No-tary for an answer
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=friends

The 2016 Notary Public Debate
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16006

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March 18, 2016

Shark Tank — 123notary wants to sell 10% of its shares!

123, IT’S SHARK TANK!

First into the tank is the inventor of a directory that will help notaries vastly improve their business.

JB: Hi, Sharks. My name is Jeremy Belmont. And I’m seeking an investment of $500,000 for 10% of my company, 123Notary.com. How many times have you needed a Notary public, and thought “Damn. Where can I find me a decent Notary Public?” Sharks, your searches are over. With 123Notary.com, we get the most serious customers, because we have the best quality notaries. We get 170,000 visits per month. That’s 170,000 more visits per month than Mr. Wonderful makes to the barber.

MR. WONDERFUL: I’d much rather see my money grow than hair.

ROBERT: So walk me through the business model, Jeremy.

JB: We use a lot of social media and search engines to gather up steam, to get good traffic, and we also keep the site well organized. Make sure people have good notary public note sections, reviews. We spend a lot of time making sure people improve their knowledge and pass their certification.

BARBARA: How is that different from other sites?

JB: They don’t put as much attention into the marketing and organization as we do.

LAURIE: Tell us a little about you. How did you get into this line of work?

JB: I started out by being a notary public.

MARK: Good for you, man.

JB: Starting from the ground up is okay as long as you don’t get ground up.

BARBARA: I get a good feeling from you, Jeremy, and I’m going to make you an offer. But I need a little more skin in the game.

MR. WONDERFUL: Hopefully not the skin around your neck.

BARBARA: I wasn’t talking to you, skinhead. I’ll offer you $500,000 for 20% of the company.

MR. WONDERFUL: Ouch. She just cut the value of your company in half.

JB: I appreciate your offer, but if you don’t mind, I’d like to respect the other sharks and hear if anyone else has an offer.

MARK: I like what you’re doing. I like that you started from the ground up. As you know, I own the Dallas Mavericks. And every time they swear to me they won’t blow a shot, I’d like them to swear in front of one of your top-notch notaries, so I’ll tell you what. I’ll go in with Barbara if she’ll have me.

BARBARA: I’ll have you, Mark.

MR. WONDERFUL: Gross.

MARK: 500 K, 20%. But you get two sharks. Ten percent each.

JB: Would you be willing to split the difference at 15%?

ROBERT: I’ll take that deal.

JB: Would you agree to take that deal by signing this paper I have one of our top notaries witness?

ROBERT: I’m out.

LAURIE: You never told us. Why do you need the money?

JB: I want to buy an office.

MR. WONDERFUL: Where are you working now, out of your car?

JB: No, I’m working at home. I want to get an office, so I can have my staff all under one roof. It’s hard to stay unified when you’re all working in separate places.

MR. WONDERFUL: You live in your car?

BARBARA: You’re so mean.

JB: I don’t want to rent an office, because I don’t like the fact you can’t open the windows. I want to be able to customize it to my own needs, which includes having windows that actually open. I have a hard time working without oxygen.

MR. WONDERFUL: That makes you an “airhead” for the right reasons. I’m fine with that. Well, Jeremy, I’ll make you an offer. I don’t want any equity. Zero. Zip.

MARK: Here it comes.

MR. WONDERFUL: I want a 2% royalty for every signing you make. And after I make six times my investment back – Poof. I’m gone.

JEREMY: Darn. You’re still here.

LAURIE/BARBARA/MARK: For that putdown alone, we’ll match your offer.

JEREMY: I’m about to say yes in… 1…2…3!

.

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A string of all our Shark Tank Posts
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=shark-tank

A Notary enters the Shark Tank
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14088

Apps that Notaries have never heard of that could change your life
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16311

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February 26, 2016

November 27, 2015

Cheers: Frazier & Dianne Get a Notarized Love Letter

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: — admin @ 9:17 am

Frazier & Dianne need to rewrite a letter and get it notarized to make sure their love is legitimate. Frazier suspects that Dianne still has feelings for Sam.

FRAZIER: Dianne, I’ve been thinking. I know we love each other, but I want to make it more official.

DIANNE: How can love be official? Isn’t love just a feeling? A lasting feeling that can endure the worst setback and torment and tribulation.

CARLA: Oh, give it a break! You go over one too many bumps in the road and anyone’s love will break. It’s just human nature.

SAM: I think love can last, if you give it a chance, and are committed.

NORM: That’s not what happened with any of your relationships Sam.

SAM: Well, I tried, okay?

WOODY: I think that’s nice that Frazier and Dianne want to get a notarized statement about their love. I think that shows that they take it real seriously.

CLIFF: They can give it a try. What’s the worst that could happen? Besides, Dianne falling in love with the Notary. Like that’s gonna happen. Did you see the last Notary who came in here?

DIANNE: Enough Cliff. The Notary who came last time was very nice… especially after he had his beer — well, during the beer he was nice too.

FRAZIER: So, are we going to do it? I can write something up. Or better, we can write it together. Isn’t that how it should be?

DIANNE: Oh Frazier!

CARLA: If you want to know if your love is really legitimate, install a hidden camera in Frazier’s house. You’ll see what’s legitimate then.

NORM: So, Frazier, speaking of legitimate, have you ever had any accidental children with anyone you were dating?

FRAZIER: I find your question highly inappropriate actually.

CLIFF: I’m sure he didn’t mean it in a bad way.

DIANNE: Okay, I’m thinking. You don’t suspect that I still have feelings for Sam, do you?

FRAZIER: Well, the thought did cross my mind.

DIANNE: Oh, how can you even think that?

FRAZIER: Well, when you’ve been with someone that long, even after it’s over, there are always lingering feelings. Plus, I notice the way you sometimes look at him.

CLIFF: Yeah, I notice that too. She has that… je ne sais quoi when she looks at him.

FRAZIER: So, it’s been determined that I’m not the only one who has noticed this, or who suspects the same.

DIANNE: I’m over him. I know that my relationship with Sam couldn’t last. We’re just too different. Sure, occassionally, some latent feelings will bubble up, but intellectually I know that it wasn’t meant to be.

FRAZIER: Ah-ha, I knew I was right.

CARLA: You don’t need a PhD to figure that one out Einstein.

FRAZIER: So, can you verify what you said in writing, so we can have it notarized?

DIANNE: Yes… I mean I think I can… I can. I will.

(a few days later)

NOTARY: Yeah, I’ll have another Sam Adams. But, keep it cold for me while I do this Notary job. What is this, a vow renewal?

FRAZIER: Of a sort. We’re not married you see. We’re just madly in love with each other.

NOTARY: Got it. Well, I just need to check the signer’s ID. And I’ll take a thumbprint just to be sure that the signer isn’t an imposter. Would you like me to use my embosser as a secondary notary seal? It leaves a raised impression and looks very thorough and professional.

DIANNE: Yes, we’d like that.

FRAZIER: Does this mean you will have to hold her hand while thumbprinting her? I can’t bear the thought.

NOTARY: You can do it. Just don’t make too much of a mess. I’ll train you. Just hold her thumb like this, and press straight down like this. Let’s practice on a napkin… no not that one. A clean napkin.

FRAZIER: I feel it is more romantic this way. My love for thee. I hereby take thy hand as my thumbprint-worthy object of affection and everlasting love for the purpose of thumbprinting.

DIANNE: Oh Frazier!

(Frazier depresses Dianne’s thumb in the ink pad and then down in the journal’s section for the thumbprint. Then she hugs him)

FRAZIER: I’m sorry to interrupt our love, but you didn’t happen to wipe your thumb clean of the ink, now did you?

NOTARY: Not to worry, It is an inkless thumbprint pad from the NNA. No ink — no mess.

FRAZIER: Brilliant. So, my $700 jacket is saved… and so is my love! Where do I sign?

NOTARY: I just need Dianne to sign, and then I need to write down the particulars in her ID.

CARLA: Don’t you still have her ID information from the last time you came. Remember, when we found out how old she really is?

NOTARY: Well, I like to get a fresh look at the ID every time.

DIANNE: Please don’t remind me of that time.

FRAZIER: Age my dear is just a number. And so long as that number is 21 or older you have permission to have a drink. Shall we toast?

.

You might also like:

David Schwimmer on The Apprentice
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16024

Friends: Phoebe’s boyfriend won’t take No-tary for an answer
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=friends

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October 30, 2015

Compilation of Notary Sit-Com Episodes!

Filed under: Compilations,Popular on Facebook (A little),Sit-Coms — Tags: — admin @ 11:32 am

123notary has been writing sit-com episodes for over a year now. It is time that we put them all in one compilation so you can see them all at once! Many of these links are strings to multiple episodes from over the last two years. Here they are!

POPULAR
.

Shark Tank
“Good Sign” seeks an investment of 2 million dollars!
Good Sign will reward Notaries by not forcing them to do fax-backs once they have proven a reliable track record for accuracy!
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=shark-tank

Seinfeld
(1) George’s parents get a vow renewal
(2) The List. Kramer has to get his hands on the list of signing companies.
(3) George Needs a Notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=seinfeld

Psych
A man dies of accidental food poisoning and Shawn solves the case using his psychic powers. They find a Power of Attorney behind the Disneyland document that solves the case. But, Shawn is upset that the Notary will not notarize his stuffed penguin
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=psych
.

ALPHABETICAL
.


All in the Family
Archie needs his drug test notarized
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=all-in-the-family

“Apprentice” — see “The Apprentice.”

Big Bang Theory
Feeling in control Notarizing
Raj wants to take Notary lessons. Sheldon wants to know if being notarized can make them sexy…
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=big-bang-theory

Byron Allen — Notary Hot Chocolate
See how Earthquake describes Notaries in the ghetto.
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=byron-allen

Charlie Rose
Charlie Rose interviews a Notary and discusses why he became a Notary and the future of the Notary industry.
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=charlie-rose
.

Cheers
Sammy gets a name change notarized
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=cheers

Comedy Central Notary Roast (na/new)
See how Don Rickles and Amy Schumer make commentary about the Notary world.
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=comedy-central

Family Guy
Peter joins ISIS by mistake & needs a notarized conversion
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=family-guy

Family Feud
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=family-feud
.

Flashpoint
Notary job for a hostage with a multimillion dollar contract.
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=flashpoint

Friends
Phoebe’s boyfriend won’t take No-tary for an answer
She’s trying to break up with him, but he always thinks she’s kidding.
So, she needs to get a notarized statement to prove she means it!
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=friends

George Lopez
George needs a Notary for Carmen’s report card and wants to use the paginas amarillos.
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=george-lopez

Good Times
JJ draws a Notary Seal
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=good-times
.

Happy Days
The Chinese equivalent of the Fonz appropriately named, “The Fong” needs to get notarized and says, “Don’t touch the leather.”
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=happy-days

I love Lucy
The Power of Attorney
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=10382

Leave it to Beaver
Notarized parental consent form
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=13180

Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous (new/na)
See how infamous signing companies who don’t pay their Notaries are living it up.
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=lifestyles-of-the-rich-and-famous

“Lucy” — see “I Love Lucy”
.

Minions
A scene from the Minion Loan Signing.
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=minions

Modern Family
An Affidavit of Citizenship & Affidavit of Domicile
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=modernfamily

Noternity Court
Your honor, it was 20 years ago. I can’t possibly remember if I notarized that document…
You are…. the Notary!
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=noternity-court
.

The Middle
Sue calls the Notary about an Occupancy Affidavit
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=the-middle

Notarization on the Steve Harvey Show
Carol meets someone who notarized her 20 years ago and they fall in love!
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=steve-harvey

Notary Housewives
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=notary-housewives

Taxi
Reverend Jim becomes a Notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=taxi
.

The Apprentice (new/na)
David Schwimmer competes on The Apprentice
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=the-apprentice

Two and a Half Men
(1) Learning the ropes. Charlie goes to a hot Notary who goes easy on him.
(2) Impaired Judgment. Charlie finds it therapeutic to notarize documents and brings a bottle of vodka for the signers!
(3) Charlie learns the fine art of deterring Notary fraud.
(4) Charlie’s mom needs a Power of Attorney for property management
(5) The intercontinental notary seal
(6) A notary experience
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=twoandahalfmen

Wheel of Fortune
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=wheel-of-fortune

.

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May 1, 2015

Noternity Court

I’m tired of seeing all of these late night shows about people who can’t keep their pants on. Then, someone gets pregnant, and they don’t know who the father is. What is the future of our country if we can’t even bear children with two sane parents who are married I ask?

In any case. There is a new show call Noternity Court. There are some states that don’t require the use of a notary seal. The problem is, that if the notary’s handwriting is bad enough, you won’t be able to tell after the fact who notarized the document.

JEFF SIMONS: Your honor, it was 20 years ago. I can’t possibly remember if I notarized that document.

SAM (client) : It’s him… I swear it. If you overlook the balding head, the wrinkles around his eyes, and the extra 50 pounds he gained, that’s the same guy.

JEFF SIMONS: How can you be so sure?

JEFF SIMERS: Yeah, I have almost the exact same name and our signatures are so similar, how can you tell the difference.

JUDGE: You’re speaking out of order. Now, I’ve submitted your notary commission signatures and identification to a signature analysis crew. If necessary I’ll also have you take a lie detector test. Since the analysis is late. Let’s start with teh lie detector.

TECHNICIAN: Now, that we have you all wired, up I’m going to ask you a few questions.

JEFF SIMONS: Okay

TECHNICIAN: Is your name Jeff Simons.

JEFF SIMONS: Yes

TECHNICIAN: Were you a notary public in the year 1995

JEFF SIMONS: To the best of my knowledge.

TECHNICIAN: A simple yes or no will do. Our records show you were. Now, did you notarize with anyone else during the period when you were notarizing for Sam.

JEFF SIMONS: No, he was the only one.

TECHNICIAN: (pause) He’s telling the truth.

JUDGE: Okay, we have the signature analytics back. The analysis shows that … (pause)

We adjurn this court session for a special announcement.

There is a sale on journals at the ANS — Antiquated Notary Supplies. Don’t do a notary entry without a journal! Otherwise you might end up in Noternity Court.

JUDGE: Now, since your state doesn’t require you to use a notary seal or notary journal, it is very difficult to qeury a particular notary transaction. Do you know how critical these transactions are? What if you were signing off a Deed to a five million dollar property, and your handwriting was so bad they coudn’t tell who the notary was. I think you need to take your jobs a whole lot more seriously. Now, we got the DNA results back, and the handwriting analysis. Jeff Simons…. you are NOT, the notary!

JEFF SIMONS: I’m not? I can’t believe it. That’s fantastic, because I’m broke and can’t make any notary support payments.

JUDGE: Jeff Simers, you have a similar name to the other Jeff, but you are also not…. the notary!

JEFF SIMERS: I’m not? Well, who is?

JUDGE: The notary’s name is Jeff Somors, and he died in Nebraska many years ago. So, we can’t summon him

MEDIUM: Speak for yourself, we can do a seyonce.

JUDGE: Now, you’re talking, but that is not permissable in court. After all, how could we prove the identity of the spirit?

MEDIUM: The way we prove anyone else’s identity. Just have the spirit sign something, and ask your handwriting analyst!

JUDGE: I think we’re on to something!

Court Adjourned!

.

You might also like:

Notary dragged into court
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=2635

Are you a Yes-tary or a No-tary?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16626

Can you send a loose acknowledgment? You should hear the answers!
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16168

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April 24, 2015

A Notary enters the Shark Tank

A NOTARY ENTERS THE SHARK TANK

ENTREPRENEUR: Hi, Sharks. My company is called Good Sign, and I’m seeking an investment of 2 million dollars for 15% of my company.

The sharks laugh derisively at the inflated value he’s assigning to his company.

ENTREPRENEUR: Good Sign will revolutionize the entire signing industry. We will hire notaries around the country and have their sign loans. There are many other companies out there doing exactly this. However, the quality of the work performed by these companies is either sloppy, or they micromanage their notaries to ensure proper work. Micromanaging, fax backs, and other annoying tactics are commonplace.

Our strategy is to keep a database of the track record of the notaries we hire. If they get through a certain amount of loans with no errors, we will eliminate the requirement of fax backs so they will be more willing to work for us in the future. Additionally, we could attract notaries who are favorable by paying them up front via paypal.com

ROBERT: This is an interesting business model. But, how do you intend to get contracts?

ENTREPRENEUR: In this business, we solicit Title companies. They always need hundreds of loans signed per month. We can offer them an affordable rate, and an even better rate if they give us volume.

BARBARA: What if the Title companies don’t pay you on time and the notaries who aren’t “favorable” as you put it want to get paid? Surely you won’t pay everybody up front.

ENTREPRENEUR: This is true. The really good notaries like Ken will be paid up front because he’s so knowledgeable. But, the other notaries will have to wait to get paid. But, worry not. Notaries are used to not getting paid on time. Some wait months. Some check the forums to see who pays on time while others don’t. There is an endless supply of new notaries who are too unseasoned to read the boards, and the minute they wise up, there will be another batch of suckers.

MARK CUBAN: I’m gonna clear the field here. That isn’t particularly ethical, but from what I hear of the other signing companies, they aren’t exactly a dream come true either. And for that reason… I’m out.

MR. WONDERFUL: Let’s get to your ridiculous valuation. You’re asking for 2 million dollars. You’re not a business yet. This is pie in the sky notion. And do you know what pies in the sky do? They fall down and land – splat – on your face. Only clowns are interested in pies in their faces… I’m out.

ENTREPRENEUR: This is a dog eat dog business, and we intend on being the biggest dog, dawg. All we need is $2,000,000 so we have salaries for our schedulers, marketing department and rent in a swanky part of town.

DAYMOND: I have a connection with Jeremy at123notary.com. And he tells me the signing companies who didn’t pay their notaries are mostly out of business by now. And the survivers who didn’t pay up are getting a lot of heat, and barely making it. It’s a dumb idea… I’m out.

ENTREPRENEUR: Well, our dumb idea is the same dumb idea that the other signing companies have.

BARBARA: Yes, exactly, and 80% of the ones that were in business in 2007 are out of business now! I’d be too scared to put my money into this, I’d never see it come back. You’re too early. But I will give you a little advice. Consider starting a signing company on a micro scale in your local area so you learn the ropes. Then, if your business model is superior to the others, come back and talk. But for now… I’m out.

ENTREPRENEUR: I accept your lack of an offer. However, I have one small request for you.

ROBERT: We’re listening

ENTREPRENEUR: Your statement of declining our offer, well, can you fax that back to me? I’ll need this 50 page form filled out and faxed to me. Think of it like a giant fax back request — like what we put the notaries through!

MR. WONDERFUL: You’re dead to me!

.

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March 6, 2015

Two & a half notaries – learning the ropes

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: , — admin @ 6:32 am

2 and a half notaries – learning the ropes
Disclaimer: The content in this dialogue may not be suitable for children or people who have any semblance of values, morals, or decency.

Charlie goes to a hot notary

NOTARY #1: Is it your first time? I’ll go easy on you.

CHARLIE: I’ve been notarized before. It was just such a long time ago.

NOTARY #1: Some people say that getting notarized is like riding a bike. You never forget how!

CHARLIE: Wish I could forget that and remember why I had “I love you, Ellen” tattooed on my leg.

NOTARY #1: If I didn’t notarize it, you don’t officially have to love her.

Then, Charlie goes to another notary to pick up some technique so he could impress the first notary. But, it was someone Charlie had been with before.

CHARLIE: I didn’t recognize you in that outfit,…or any outfit.

NOTARY #2 : Is that an embosser in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

CHARLIE: Samantha? No — Julie.

NOTARY #2: Boy, you have the worst memory I’ve ever seen.

CHARLIE: Well, if I were you, I wouldn’t be having this problem. I’d just ask for ID.

JAKE: Just out of curiosity, do notarizations have climaxes? You know, when you get to the ape of the notarization?

ALAN: You mean the ape-x, right?

JAKE: Yeah, that too.

NOTARY #2: It kind of does. The most critical part of the notarization is when the signer signs the journal.

JAKE: You mean that signing the document isn’t the most important part?

NOTARY #2: It’s important, but that can be done before the notarization.

JAKE: Oh, so it’s kind of like what I do before I leave the house if I’m going out with Jillian.

CHARLIE: I’m sure it’s exactly like that. Well, I want to learn the ropes over here. How does a notarization start?

NOTARY #2: it all starts by someone coming to the notary and telling the notary what they want.

JAKE: Oh — and do they need to tell the notary how they want it too?

NOTARY #2: Something like that. For legal purposes, the notary is prohibited from deciding or recommending what type of notary act to do for a particular document or signature. That is entirely up to the signer and their Attorney.
ALAN: So, let’s say I need a notarization. How do I ask for what I want?

CHARLIE: With you, you’re notorious for not knowing how to ask for what you want, that’s why you’re where you are in life.

ALAN: I want you to take that back.

CHARLIE: Oh sure, NOW you ask for what you want.

NOTARY #2: A client could come and they want an acknowledgment for their signature.

JAKE: Oh, I acknowledge you. Do I ever!

CHARLIE: Don’t mind him — he came with the house.

NOTARY #2: I see. Well, a client could also ask for a Jurat which requires a sworn Oath and must be signed in the presence of the notary.

CHARLIE: Well, let’s practice. I’ll be the client, and you can be the Notary. Sounds like a bad porn scene. What am I saying? There are no bad porn scenes. Wait a second, I have some paper in my den.

(2 minutes later)

NOTARY #2: Okay, and you signed this document?

CHARLIE: Yeah, that’s my signature. You probably want to ID me too.

NOTARY #2: Funny you should ask. Hmmm. It seems that your demented signature actually matches the demented signature on the ID.

CHARLIE: I think of it as more of a doctors’ signature, without the hassle of med school.

NOTARY #2: I’ve seen doctors’ signatures hundreds of times, and this doesn’t look a bit like a doctor’s signature. It looks more like one I got doing a notarization at an AA meeting.

JAKE: Well, maybe it was a doctor who had a little too much to drink because he got stressed out in surgery.

NOTARY #2: Now, I’m going to need you to sign my book.

CHARLIE: Well, you can bring your book right over (patting the table lightly)

NOTARY #2: Okay, sign away… Hey wait a second. Your signature looks sober now. What happened?

CHARLIE: Don’t ask me (slurring…)

NOTARY #2: I’m going to fill in the wording and seal this certificate, staple it to this Affidavit of testing document.

JAKE: Who was taking a test?

CHARLIE: Jessica agreed to take a test to make sure she didn’t have… never mind.

ALAN: Pay no attention to him.

NOTARY #2: And we’re done.

Charlie starts seeing one of the notaries regularly, and then gets caught seeing another notary.

NOTARY #1: I just love being with you. I feel like we are soul mates. Do you believe in soul mates?

CHARLIE: If they look good in my jacuzzi, then yeah. I could believe in soul mates.

NOTARY #1: The way I look at it, your jacuzzi looks good around me.

CHARLIE: With you in the Jacuzzi, no wonder it’s hot.

NOTARY #1: By the way. I noticed you talking to that other notary.

CHARLIE: Oh her? I was just learning a little technique from her to impress you.

NOTARY #1: What kind of technique?

CHARLIE: Y’know. Notary stuff. Presiding over deeds.

NOTARY #1: Dirty deeds? Are you two-timing me?

CHARLIE: Two-timing you? Don’t be silly. One-timing you, absolutely. By the second time, I’m a little spent.

NOTARY #1: You know what I mean! You’re cheating on me.

CHARLIE: No no, it’s nothing like that. We were just notarizing a document. Nothing more.

NOTARY #1: Well, did she use her seal?

CHARLIE: Well, yeah.

NOTARY #1 slaps him.

CHARLIE: Would it help if I told you her commission expired?

NOTARY #1: You and I are expired.

She leaves. Charlie goes back to Notary #2.

CHARLIE: Hi, Samantha

NOTARY #2: So, you’ve finally figured out my name now. I go by Sam actually.

CHARLIE: Well, I go by Char. Just kidding. I wanted to learn more about notary work. I wanted to do some role play, and I could be the notary.

NOTARY #2: We can talk about that. But, you will have to create your own seal.

CHARLIE: You mean I can’t use your seal?

NOTARY #2: it would be illegal for you to use my seal.

CHARLIE: I could use notorial protection, to make sure we’re both safe.

NOTARY #2: Abstinence is the best protection.

CHARLIE: I know how to ask for a happy ending in 17 languages. But, can a notarization come with a happy ending?

NOTARY #2: No Charlie, it doesn’t. But, I think I know what you are asking me.

(2 months later… Charlie becomes a notary, but does some improper notarizations and faces the consequences.)

CHARLIE: Why does it hurt when I affix my stamp? Must be one of those notarial diseases. Next time I’ll require double identification to be safe? Hmmm, maybe that wouldn’t help. Maybe Samantha was right. Maybe notarial abstinence is the best policy. It must be because of those two blonds that I notarized. I knew it.

ALAN: What’s up?

CHARLIE: I’m just bummed out. Samantha, and Charlene who you might remember as Notary #1… well, neither of them will see me again. Not to mention the fact that I seem to have picked up a nasty case of the… I don’t even know what you call it.

ALAN: Oh, the Jurclap. I read about that. You can get that if you have unprotected notarizations. Well Charlie. All I can say is, don’t feel bad, there will be other notaries!

.

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February 27, 2015

Notarization on the Steve Harvey Show

STEVE: I have a surprise for you. Do you know why we invited you here today?

CAROL: I have no idea, honestly no idea.

STEVE: Well, I’ll give you a hint. Have you ever had anything notarized?

CAROL: No, I can’t think of anything that I’ve ever had notarized.

STEVE: Well think harder. Think fifteen years ago.

CAROL: Hmmm. I’m coming up with a blank.

STEVE: Well, you might not remember this notary, but he remembers you. And he has something of yours that you gave him when he last saw you back in 1994.

CAROL: 1994?

STEVE: Here he is!

CAROL: Oh my god, Oh my god! Randy. I remember you, but forgot that you were a Notary. And that’s the necklace I gave you. I remember it all now!

STEVE: Well, brace yourself. You better sit down. Because Randy has something that he wants to ask you!

CAROL: Oh my god. I can’t believe this is happening. Yes Randy. What did you want to ask me.

RANDY: Carol, I met you almost twenty years ago, and I have never forgotten you. You have been on my mind ever since. I realized that when we talked, back in 1994 the conversation was so meaningful. But, there’s one thing that has been on my mind that I have been needing to ask you ever since.

CAROL: One thing? Sure, ask anything you want. I just am not prepared for what you might ask.

RANDY: Carol… will you…ummm… how can I put this. Remember the notarization I did for you back in 1994. My journal said that it was for an Affidavit of Occupancy.

CAROL. Oh yeah, now I remember. That was to lock in a particular interest rate on that house.

RANDY: Well, we got so wrapped up in conversation that I forgot to ask you one thing. Carol, will you… um… will you complete the Oath that I forgot to ask you for that Affidavit of Occupancy? I kept a copy of that document all these years with the necklace you gave me.

CAROL: Oh my god, you still have that?

RANDY: Please raise your right hand. Do you solemnly swear that the information in this Affidavit of Occupancy are true and correct and that you agree to the conditions in the document?

CAROL: I do.

RANDY: I’m so relieved. Because, in my notary career, I never violated notary law, not even once. But, I realized that failing to administer an Oath for a Jurat on an Affidavit is grounds for suspension, termination, or revocation of your notary license. I’m so glad that I administered that Oath, and got it out of my system.

CAROL: You came all the way to have me on TV, just for that?

RANDY: Oh, and one more thing.

CAROL: Yes?

RANDY: Carol…. will you marry me?

CAROL: Oh my god! Yes I will, well, at least we can start dating. But, on one condition.

STEVE: The sister has conditions? I gotta hear this!

RANDY: Sure, that’s fine

CAROL: I will need a notary statement stating that you want to date me and that you will take me out for penne arrabiata at Carmino’s Italian Restaurant.

RANDY: That’s a little odd. Would you like the notarization to be a Jurat, Acknowledged signature, Protest, or an Oath.

CAROL: I’d prefer a Jurat with an accompanying Oath. And yes, I’ll keep a copy of that document to show you in 2034!

STEVE: This is amazing. I’ve never seen anything like this in my career. Just one question for Randy.

RANDY: Ask away!

STEVE: Randy, I’ve never been notarized, ever. I just want to know what it is like being notarized, just to get it out of my system. Can you notarize me?

RANDY: On camera? The camera adds 10 pounds to any signature you know.

STEVE: That’s okay. So, what’s the first step.

RANDY: I’ll need to see some ID sir!

STEVE: What, you don’t know me? I’m Steve Harvey — I’m famous. You don’t need to ID ME!

RANDY: Well, actually it is a legal requirement here.

STEVE: Oh allright. I was just playing with you. Here’s my ID. Which one you want. I got five of them.

RANDY: Your driver’s license will work.

STEVE: Allright, now what do I gotta do. Do you want me to sign something?

RANDY: If you don’t have a document, you could have something typed up.

STEVE: Well what do you want it to say?

RANDY: It can say anything you want just as long as you sign it.

STEVE: Hmmm, I’m gonna have to think about that. (he looks to the left, looks up, and looks around) I thought about it and I know what I want to say now.

RANDY: What is it?

STEVE: I wanna say, I’m Steve Harvey, and I’m smooth like butter.

RANDY: We can do that. Just sign the journal here. (staff hands him the typed up paper) Sign the document here. I’ll attach an Acknowledgment certificate, stamp it… we’re done!

STEVE: That’s it? That was easy. I didn’t feel a thing.

RANDY: It’s a fairly standard act.

STEVE: Well, I want to wish you and Carol the best of luck on your first date. In fact, we are going to pay the first $200 of your date’s expenses for dinner for two at Maggiano’s in Los Angeles. That is the fanciest, most amazing Italian restaurant anywhere in California. I love that place! Then, get this — are you ready? You can have another $200 for your next date and a gift certificate for two to see a 3d movie or movie of your choice at IMAX in Universal Studios.

CAROL: Wow Steve. This is the best day of my life. I never expected any of this.

RANDY: Thanks Steve. I don’t know how to thank you.

STEVE: Well, you can thank me with a notarized statement if you really want to know how to get to the bottom of my heart!

.

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