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December 31, 2020

Jeremy is fatigued, but why?

Filed under: General Stories — admin @ 3:55 am

2020 has been a traumatic year. Wild fires, smoke, restrictions to our human rights, face masks, 123 going down for a week in June, Carmen dying, etc. When will it end? This is a lot of misery for one year.

I started getting very tired in late September. I couldn’t figure out why. I had a dream that my friend Mitch took Chinese herbs and got tired. But, Mitch was representing me in the dream and it was not the herbs that were making me tired. So, I had my psychic ask an angel. The angel said that I was processing part of Carmen’s karma after she died and that was tiring me out. Hmmm.

You will be reading this several months after the fact as I prepublish my articles. I am going to Yuma tomorrow Oct 3rd and traveling around AZ and NM like I often do for my energy and health. The shamanic spirits will do healing work on me like they always do. But, this time I am going to spots where the spirits are able to help me more. Spots they prefer and are “better staffed” if you can accept that notion.

Honestly I am a mess without Carmen. I am behind on emails, blogging and most of my other tasks. Somehow I will figure out how to make my life work again. Wish me luck. If only she could do emails from heaven. I’ll ask her next time I do my spirit communication.

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December 3, 2020

Just to let you know about Carmen (who died)

Filed under: General Stories — admin @ 12:29 pm

Once again, Carmen died in late July. She will not be able to answer the phone where she is. But, they can get telepathic communication if you want to send her a shout out. And yes, she comes regularly to me in my dreams.

My last dream Carmen asked me a question, and a “6” made of light appeared before me in my childhood house. I told her “six.” I then looked up the symbolic meaning of six and it means I will find true love soon in a lasting relationship.

I guess up there in heaven, they know the future, the past and the present. But, they don’t have gourmet food up there. On the other hand, I love gardens and mansions and there are plenty of those in heaven. But, for those of us who end up in purgatory which is the vast majority, I think they only have condos. Not sure… I’ll have to ask.

In any case, it is nice to know that my future was unveiled by none other than Carmen who is in the brighter world, still communicating with me. Too bad she can’t do emails from up there. She says she does a lot of resting. I am mildly clarevoyant by the way, but nowhere near as good as my psychic.

I miss Carmen. It is partly that she did a lot of work for me, but partly that she and I talked a lot and she was one of my five nearest and dearest. But, she stays in touch psychically, so it is not over, at least not completely over.

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November 4, 2020

10 risks to being a Mobile Notary Public.

Filed under: Notary Mistakes,Popular on Facebook (some) — admin @ 12:59 am

Originally posted Oct 19, 2017.

Notarize at your own risk. Being a Notary is NOT safe!

Many of you think that being a Notary is an easy way to make a few extra bucks. Stamp a piece of paper, get $10, easy, right? Then you deal with nitpicky signing companies who make you fax things back and you get mad, right? That is an annoyance, but not the bigger problem. Being a Notary is dangerous, particular when you don’t do your job correctly. Most Notaries feel that you look at an ID and if it is close enough and the photo looks like the guy, that you are doing your job, right? Sort of. Here are some itemized risks to being a Notary Public.

1. Hoarders
If you go to someone’s house and they have things stacked to the ceiling, you might be in danger in their house. The signer doesn’t want to hurt you. It is just that they cannot control their psychological disease that causes them to engage in hoarding. My housemate is like this and she has stuff stacked to the ceiling which is dangerous and a fire hazard. Something could fall on you or you could get trapped in a fire.

2. Bio-hazards
Some homes that are not cleaned properly are dangerous. One house Carmen almost went into had some bacterial infection that would have gone straight to her lungs and caused her to go to the hospital. If a house smells funny, maybe you are not safe in there. If it is not ventillated properly, perhaps you should stay away. Poor hygene can be deadly, so be advised.

3. Dogs
Some neighborhoods have unsafe dogs around. Notaries could be harrassed or bitten by dogs. Carrying pepper spray or mace is not a bad idea.

4. Slummy neighbors
You might go to a signing in a bad area and people nearby might be hanging out who look unsavory. I am not sure if this is dangerous, but some people get upset.

5. Angry borrowers.
One Notary got pushed off a flight of stairs and broke her wrist. The borrower didn’t like his APR and I guess the Notary didn’t educate themself on how to give a professional explanation of the APR either. The borrower ended up in jail very quickly and the Notary healed in two months.

6. FBI and lawsuits
Roughly 2% of full-time Notaries will end up in court or with an FBI investigation for being involved with identity theft. If you do not keep a thorough journal with thumbprints and the right amount of journal entries, you are much more likely to be held in court as a witness, suspect, or cause yourself extended grief. Without a thumbprint, the investigators are often helpless to catch really really bad people. So, help them out and keep thumbprints. Do your part to safeguard mankind.

7. Getting sued by a borrower
One borrower got mad and sued the Lender, Title company and the Notary when the Notary had done nothing wrong. The Notary tried to use their E&O insurance, but the company wouldn’t pay out because the Notary had not made any error or omission. Of all the bad luck. So, the Notary lost $30,000 in legal fees. Talk about bad karma.

8. Getting sued by the bar association
If you life in an Attorney state and do loan signings without a law license, the bar association might come after you. Good grief.

9. Jeremy might phone quiz you.
Many Notaries who thought they had it together got a phone call from the infamous Jeremy (that’s me) and failed an over the phone quiz. They rationalized, “I’ve been doing this 30 years and therefore I know what I’m doing.” My rationalization is, “Not if you got 18% on my quiz which consists of very easy and every day notary questions.” You might not lose any money, but you could lose your dignity if you score less than 70%. So, study up!

10. Your seal could be stolen
It happened to me. I had to write to the Secretary of State. My car was broken into and I lost my seal, embosser and journal. What a tragedy. It took me two and a half weeks to be back in business. Think of all the money I lost not to mention the trauma of being robbed of my most prized possession — my inkless embosser that I used as a secondary seal to deter fraud! Boo-hoo.

There is also the risk of traffic accidents and having one of those talking GPS systems that talks back to you when you get in the wrong lane, but I won’t include details of those problems as they are common to all humans who drive and not just to Notaries. The end!

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You might also like:

13 ways to get sued as a Notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19614

Notary loses $4000 in legal fees because a fraud adds a name to a Notary Acknowledgment.
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19477

Compilation of posts about Notary fraud
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=21527

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October 12, 2020

Certain things you don’t learn from experience

Filed under: General Articles,Popular on Facebook (some) — admin @ 10:53 pm

Notaries who have a lot of experience seem to forget that you can keep doing the same thing wrong for twenty years and nobody will correct you. People with thirty years of experience often know less than beginners. But, how is this so?

1. Document knowledge
If you want to know more about documents, you can read loan signing courses. You can also read the actual documents. Be aware that many documents have document variations and one document name could have multiple meanings. Therefore you need to be aware of all of the potential meanings and assume the possibility that the document might be completely different from what it normally means as well. Many Notaries go through their careers never reading documents yet claiming “familiarity with the docs.” If you don’t read them then you are only familiar with the names of the documents and not the actual content of the documents.

2. Handling situations
As a signing agent, there are many tricky situations you can get into. Experience might help you to figure out how not to botch certain situations, but might not teach you how to handle less obvious situations. Our course Notary Public 101 goes over twenty common situations where Notaries can get into trouble. No Notary on our site does a thorough job confirming the signing without reading our course. I suggest reading up on handling situations.

3. Notary knowledge
You cannot know the rules of notarizing or know how to explain specific notary acts unless you read about it. You might have performed 50,000 notarizations, but if you performed them wrong, then the experience is worth nothing, or might be counterproductive. Reading up on notary procedure and law might be a good idea. After all, you are handling legal documents.

4. Marketing
Many Notaries go through their career doing the minimum in marketing. You might make a lot more money if you took marketing a lot more seriously. We have many blog articles on the topic.

5. Thinking about danger
What if you are in a house and the borrower goes psycho. That doesn’t happen often. There are techniques for handling danger. Some Notaries sit closest to the door, or at a particular angle from the door so they can see who is coming in. Other Notaries can spot a house with health hazards a mile away and redirect the signing to Starbucks. I’m not sure if there are any good guides to dealing with notary danger, but you can surely try to think of all the possibilities before you go out on a job. Otherwise you have to improvise at the last minute like a comedian doing improv at the Improv!

You might also like:

Real life scenarios at loan signings
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19681

The five year rule of notary experience
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=21089

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August 5, 2019

Notary High School (80’s Style)

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:56 am

Back in the day, they used to teach notary classes in high school just in case some of the students would one day become Notaries. They taught it in the same room they taught typing incidentally which is interesting as both types of work are clerical in nature.

TEACHER: Now class, please turn to page forty. The duties of the Notary Public are to Acknowledge signatures, take Oaths, execute Jurats, and my psychic says that in the future there will be this thing called an Affirmation.

SAM (a 15 y/o student): Hey teacher, you’re a lot hotter than the last teacher we had. Taking your class is going to be a dream come true.

TEACHER: Thank you Sam for your vote of confidence. I truly am glad to know that I indeed am hot, at least in your eyes, and thank you for making your astute observation using correct grammar.

SAM: No problem teach! Any time!

TEACHER: Oh, let’s see. There appears to be a love note on my desk. Well, thank God this class isn’t like the last class. My students hated me.

BRUCE: You’re not going to have that problem here, baby… I mean… teach!

TEACHER: That’s Mrs. Bates to you, but once again, I appreciate your vote of confidence. Let’s see what the letter says. “My love for you has no bounds, I feel like howling like the hounds, my feelings towards you I wish not to belittle or smalledge, but to thee, my love, I sincerely wish to Acknowledge.” Wow! This is not poorly written at all. I would like to instill upon you the notion that I am married, and although your feelings are appreciated, they unfortunately cannot go anywhere.

SAM: Hey, may the better man win. Your husband must have something we don’t have.

TEACHER: Yes, its something called a job… and also maturity, but that’s a completely different matter. Now, moving right along. An Acknowledgment is a notary act where the signer acknowledges having signed a document. They make this formal declaration in the physical presence of the Notary.

CHRIS: Let’s get physical… physical. Is it kind of like that song. You know the Olivia Newton song?

TEACHER: Very much so, but with no dancing. Any questions?

SAM: Yeah… Do you like younger guys?

TEACHER: I like younger people just fine. However, I cannot entertain the idea of the type of relationship you are most likely thinking about.

BRUCE: Do you attest to that? And also… What are you doing after class?

TEACHER: Grading papers. How romantic. See you tomorrow.

(The next day)

TEACHER: Hello class. Many teachers might be cross with you or stern after getting an inappropriate love note.

SAM: What was inappropriate about it? I thought it was well written and didn’t contain any bad words. That’s as appropriate as we get over in this school.

TEACHER: Yes, I see what you mean. But, you see that it is not appropriate to make romantic suggestions to your teacher. It violates teacher-student ethics.

BRUCE: What are ethics? Do Guns and Roses use ethics.

TEACHER: Well, you see, some people think it is morally wrong for teachers and students to have romantic interludes, but if it weren’t wrong, I assure you, that some of you handsome young people here, might be in business. Oh my God, I can’t believe I said that. Father, forgive me. But, my husband found out about the note and guess how he feels?

CHRIS: Uh oh, do I need to change my name and move to a different town and assume a new identity so I don’t get killed or mamed?

TEACHER: Actually, he feels flattered, and he feels more sexy than I have ever seen him feel in his life. He is all excited that his wife is a hot chick that is in demand.

SAM: Woah, I’m glad we could make your family feel all good Ms. Bates. I totally dig that. But, what I want to know now is, “Where do we go, where do we go now, where do we go… sweet child of mine….”

TEACHER: Let me guess, these are lyrics to that new group Titanium… Oh, maybe they are called Platinum. Do they wear really tight pants, look like women from an asylum and scream when they sing?

BRUCE: No, you must be thinking of Motley Crew. This group is called Guns & Roses. The ironic thing is that they don’t own any guns. But, the lead guitar guy wears this really cool hats from the 1800’s which I totally respect because if there is one subject that I like more than biology, it’s history.

TEACHER: I’m glad to know you are learning something Bruce. Anyway, a Jurat is a notarization where you swear to the truthfulness of a document and sign it in the presence of a Notary.

SAM: Is that also a physical presence? Because I noticed that your verbiage was adulterated oh so slightly.

BRUCE: I like your choice of semantics there — adulterated. Someone might feel adulterated really soon because they are in some particular person’s physical presence.

TEACHER: I understand what you mean Bruce, but it doesn’t mean exactly that. You have to be more than in a physical presence to commit adultry.

CHRIS: Can children commit adultery, or only adults?

SAM: Yeah, wouldn’t it be childery if we committed it?

BRUCE: Hey wait a second, if a child committed adultery with an adult, wouldn’t that be childery as well as adultery, or would that depend on which party in the transaction you were a part of.

TEACHER: Children, this is a very interesting discussion. There is no such thing as childery, and for your information, adultery involves inappropriate sexual behavior between a married person and someone else who is not part of that holy union.

SAM: Holy union… I mean holy cow… By jove, I think I’ve got it now.

CHRIS: Well in any case compadres, we made teach’s husband feel like a complete stud. I say our mission was a success and we can all go home now… providing that we finished our written assignment writing a paragraph about each notary act.

TEACHER: I couldn’t have said it better myself. Glad we could learn about notary work as well as adultery all in one short class, not to mention making my husband feel better than he has felt in over a decade. But, I have to go soon as well.

SAM: Why, are you going to grade more papers?

TEACHER: No, I have an appointment at Victoria’s Secret. I haven’t been there in 15 years, but now there seems to be a reason to go — thanks to certain young people with inquisitive minds, and when I say inquisitive, you know what I mean!

BRUCE: Right, like in the Spanish inquisition — they were the most inquisitive people I ever read about in history.

TEACHER: That means something completely different. But, have a wonderful day boys! Ta ta!

You might also like:

Most Popular Notary Jokes
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=8471

Are you a bad boy notary?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22380

Notarize you like a hurricane
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22168

Notary Happy Days goes to China
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16536

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July 1, 2019

Will the next election help our Notary industry?

Filed under: General Articles — admin @ 2:27 am

Disclaimer — this blog was written for entertainment purposes only and we by no means think that Marco Rubio wants to increase red tape in any way shape or form. Those types of statements were made in jest only as it relates to our Notary industry.

Is there a future for the notary industry? It is so slow I ask myself this regularly. I’ve seen ups, and I’ve seen downs. But, this down seems like something that ain’t never gonna end! But, maybe Marco Rubio will help. Maybe he will be our next president. He’s smart, and people tend to like him.

Campaign speech addressing (fictional)
Hi, My name is Marco Rubio, and I am running for the office of President of the United States of America. If I am elected, I will do everything in my power (and perhaps a few things not in my power as well) to ensure that there will be more refinances, reverse mortgages, HELOC, and debt consolidations. Additionally, I will raise requirements on various type of transactions requiring more types of legal documents to be notarized before they can be accepted by their respected custodian. This means more jobs for Notaries Public. The American Notary Public has been suffering financially for years, and I intend to create lots of extra red tape and paperwork for them to benefit from in the form of notary appointments. Remember my fellow Notaries — red tape is a dirty word to some, but to American Notaries, it should be a word of liberation, because your whole career is based on processing of documents that constitute red tape. And to all the audience members out there, I brought you a token of my appreciate of the American Notary Public. I bestow all of thee with… a complimentary mini-roll of red tape with the inscription — Marco Rubio for President. Something for you to remember me by.

In any case, having a new president or an election could create a stir in our waning industry. I wonder what will actually happen. Can I get into a time machine, consult my psychic, or should I just wait and find out?

You might also like:

Feast or famine in the notary business
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=21224

Experienced signers are being weeded out of the notary business
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16747

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May 16, 2019

Notary Quiz of the day

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:30 am

Notaries hate being tested, but love reading Notary tests on blog entries for some reason. I’ll have to ask my psychic why that is. Maybe it is because they are not on the spot with this. Here is a fun quiz of the day.

1. Notaries notarize
(a) Documents
(b) People
(c) Signatures
(d) Signatures on Documents
(e) People’s signatures on documents.

2. Initials. If you initial a change on a loan document, where should the initial go?
(a) To the right of the crossed out text
(b) To the left of the crossed out test
(c) Above the crossed out text
(d) Anywhere around the crossed out text
(e) Below the crossed out text to the right.

The processor I used to work for did not want me to cross out the text, but initial below the text and below the right end of the text. The processing dept. would do the rest according to good old Emily. I wonder how she is.

3. What is the difference between a conflict of interest, interest, financial interest, and beneficial interest? This reminds me of the joke about the Mortgage Broker who left the industry in 2008 because he lost interest.

4. A Notary was asked to notarize a document with no signature line. What should the notary do?
(a) Ask the borrower to write in a signature line.
(b) Tell the borrower that he cannot notarize the document without a signature and signature line.
(c) Write in the signature line himself.
(d) Refuse to notarize the document.
(e) Call Carmen at 123notary and ask for help.

5. A Notary does a job for an old lady at a hospital notarizing a document. The notary asked the lady if she understood the document and she said yes. Two months later all parties were in court because the lady did not understand what she had signed. What should the notary have done?
(a) Ask the lady to paraphrase the document.
(b) Tell the lady how he went to the white house to visit President Johnson and see how she reacts.
(c) Stick to jail signings — they might be criminals, but at least they are in their right mind (whatever that means.)
(d) Start a conversation about current events to do a “reality test.”

6. A Notary was asked to notarize at the peace process. The Palestinians said you can’t have peace without a process. The Israelis said you can’t have peace without security. The Notary said you can’t have a notarization without a signature. After a long discussion, the Palestinians wanted to be acknowledged twice for one signature, Since the Israelis wouldn’t acknowledge the existence of their people, at least a Notary could acknowledge their signature twice to compensate. What is wrong with this picture?

(a) The Palestinians wanted to trade one Israeli signatures they had captive for two hundred Palestinian signatures as a peace initiative.
(b) The signer is the only one who can acknowledge a signature, not a Notary.
(c) An Israeli Notary will not acknowledge a Palestinian signature until they acknowledge the State of Israel’s signature.
(d) Yes, a single signature can be acknowledged multiple times, but it is the signer who does the acknowledging.

You might also like:

Notary aptitude test 2
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17065

Does 123notary have the authority to quiz people?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19469

Notary Public 101 quiz questions
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19520

Quiz – you know you’re a good notary when you…
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14912

30 point quiz – Jeopardy
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14557

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January 18, 2019

Notary Etiquette 104 — Miscellaneous

Filed under: Etiquette — Tags: — admin @ 10:32 pm

MISCELLANEOUS NOTARY ETIQUETTE TIPS
Return to Table of Contents for – Notary Etiquette 104

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1. Don’t sell people’s signatures or personal information.
It is bad manners and possibly illegal, and definitely unethical to sell or distribute anyone’s private information.

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2. Don’t second guess family relationships.
I once thought the wife was the guy’s mother. Oops!

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3. Handling criticism
Notaries can get very rude or defensive if criticized. The psychology of a Notary is one who claims they know everything when in reality they typically know about 30% of what they need to know and manage to get by with this sub-minimal knowledge. If you make a mistake and someone calls you out on it, don’t argue, just try to understand what you did wrong or allegedly did wrong and learn from that experience. I sometimes quiz Notaries by phone and they get very hostile when I tell them they made a mistake. You won’t learn to be smarter or impress your clients by getting belligerent when criticized — treat it like a learning experience and it might just better you.

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4. When to call the Lender
Some Notaries will call the lender if they don’t know if they should sneeze or not. Calling the lender can end up in a forty minute phone call. You will have trouble getting out of the house where the signing takes place if you call the lender. So, only call if you absolutely have to. In the 30 point course on our blog we have a chapter all about when to call the lender and when not to.

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5. Is it rude to ask for a thumbprint?
This is a topic of debate and even hostility with the Notaries. For your safety you need to take thumbprints. But, many Notaries think that it is not only unnecessary but bad to take a thumbprint because what if you offend someone? I am more concerned with what happens if an imposter drains the equity in someone’s house, the Notary ends up in court for two months without pay, and someone goes to jail. To me that scenario weights a lot more heavily than if someone is offended because you ask them for a journal thumbprint. If the FBI is investigating you because you notarized an identity thief, the falsified information, fake name, fake ID, and fake serial number from the ID will lead the FBI nowhere and they can name you as a suspect in a conspiracy and you could end up in huge trouble. A thumbprint could save your life, so take it seriously.

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6. The document is not in English
You need to refer to your state’s notary laws. Many states will allow you to notarize a document in a foreign language providing the signer understands what they are signing. If you are going to upset someone by saying no to a transaction, make sure you have the right to turn down the transaction before you ruin their day.

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7. Notarizing the elderly
If you are notarizing people who are very old, or in a hospital, ask them some polite questions about current events. Make sure they know who they are, what the document means, and if they know who is in the White House these days. Some people are out of it, so find a nice way to drill them a little bit.

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8. Rude posts on social media
If you think that nobody is reading your social media posts, think again. There are a lot of very hostile and psychotic Notaries out there who are bashing all types of Notary companies including our own. This is rude and belligerent behavior. Many title companies will not hire Notaries who are involved in this type of behavior.

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9. Being obstinate about answering questions.
When companies ask Notaries Notary questions, many Notaries do not want to answer. They feel they are professionals and therefore should not be questioned. The sad reality is that most Notaries do not have a solid notary knowledge and that is why those questions are a necessity. So, be polite and just answer a few questions without trying to wiggle out of it.

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10. Answer emails and phone messages fast.
Keeping people waiting is very rude. Try to get back to people as soon as possible.

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October 21, 2018

Index of best comedy posts from 2015 to present.

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:49 pm

THESE POSTS ARE IN ORDER OF QUALITY AND POPULARITY

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COMPILATION

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Best Virtual Notary Comedy Compliation!
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15957

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NEW

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George Lopez Notary Public
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19889

Psych Notary Episode
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19397

Vietnam War Notaries — A POA for a POW.
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19445

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POPULAR

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Notaries in cars getting coffee
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18945

Disney Notary World
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18880

Jane the Virgin Notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14899

Trump – Making American Notaries Great Again
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17023

Black Notaries vs. White Notaries: The Notary Manual (link a string)
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19322

How Carmen dealt with some Alt-Right customers
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19092

Notary with Tourettes Syndrome
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18999

The Noterator
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19116

Sharktank — self driving Notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19104

Notary Hell — yeah, but it’s a dry heat
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=13196

Notary aptitude test 2
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17065

A Notary from Florida travels to India
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19636

Shark Tank — 123notary wants to sell 10% of its shares
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16021

Are you a Yes-tary or a No-tary?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16626

Shark Tank — Notary Escrow Pal
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16009

Can I bring my 12 year old to a signing?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15885

How Notary work is similar to online dating!
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15763

Welcome to the Notary Zoo!
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15994

You know you’re a Notary when…
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16038

Notary Ed similar to Driver’s Education
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19132

Notary Psychic Tarot Card Reading
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19126

Flashpoint — Notary job for a hostage with a multimillion dollar contract
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18798

Noternity Court
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14091

Notary space station — in space, nobody can hear you sign!
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18920

The Notary Train
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18928

Honey, you can kiss my app!
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14902

Can you sign in your sleep? What would that be like?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18874

A new acknowledgment form for transgender people
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19658

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August 3, 2018

Notarization for an exorcism

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 8:31 am

A Notary was called in to notarize an exorcism. He was asked if he had experience notarizing exorcisms and he said he did not, but asked, “Will I be notarizing the spirit, the person who was possessed, or the priest?” The priest who was hiring the notary said that he would have to swear under Oath to a statement. The Notary agreed to come. Meanwhile the Notary was going through a mid-life crisis. He was trying to find that happy medium between work and play, because working all day made Jack the Notary a dull semi-balding middle-aged boy.

The lady who was possessed was named Chelle. She exhibited signs of dual personality disorder (which is better than my last girlfriend who suffered from no personality disorder). One minute she would be Chelle and would be very nice and accommodating. The next minute Gertrude would take over and do mean things to people. It was so out of character.

On June 5th, the Notary showed up.

PRIEST: We are gathered here to witness this unholy union of inhabiting spirit and human to be broken. Do you solemnly take this uninvited spirit to no longer be your lawfully wedded possessor?

CHELLE: I do.

PRIEST: Do you, spirit, take this lady to be your lawfully unwedded possessee and agree to get out of her immediately? Notice to quit with a three second grace period.

SPIRIT: Do I have a choice?

PRIEST: Not really. If you don’t come out, I’ll summon in the angels and then you’ll really have had it.

NOTARY: Oh, you know how to talk to spirits!!!

PRIEST: (sarcastically) Only the bad ones!

CHELLE: So, what do I do now?

PRIEST: Just wait there. Now, what is that damn spirit doing hovering up there?

SPIRIT: Me, I’m just coming out of my Chelle (pronounced shell).

PRIEST: I’ve heard it all now. Now, Notary. Please administer an Oath on this verbal statement that says, “I hereby declare that Chelle has been ridden of spirit possession, so help me God.”

NOTARY: Okay, raise your right hand.

PRIEST: My right hand is raised.

NOTARY: Do you solemnly swear that the statement you are about to make is true and correct?

PRIEST: I do.

NOTARY: I pronounce you notarized.

PRIEST: But, I didn’t make the statement yet under Oath. I told you the statement I was going to make but did not make it when we had our hands raised.

NOTARY: Sorry, I don’t do Oaths, I only do Refinances.

PRIEST: Every refinance I’ve ever seen had at least three Oaths. The signature affidavit, occupancy affidavit and identity affidavit. Don’t you do oaths on these?

NOTARY: Nobody checks.

PRIEST: Do you want to get reported to the Secretary of State for refusal to administer acts that Notaries are legally responsible for administering to the public?

NOTARY: Oh, are you theatening me? You’re being rude.

PRIEST: (ring ring…) Hi, Secretary of State? A Notary named Jack Tripper… he refused to correctly administer an Oath to me for a verbal statement. Can you decommission him?

SOS: Could you send us an email with his name, commission # and expiration date?

PRIEST: I will.

SOS: Do you swear?

PRIEST: I not only swear but affirm.

NOTARY: Well, I may not know how to administer Oaths correctly, but I found my happy medium — you. You are happy and can talk to spirits. That makes you a happy medium.

PRIEST: No – I’m an angry medium because you messed up my exorcism by not doing your fricking job — idiot!!!! I have no formal record of what happened unless you follow proper procedure.

NOTARY: Take it easy man… wow this guy is uptight!

(a few days later, the NOTARY goes to the secretary of state’s office.)

NOTARY: I am here to turn myself in.

SOS: For what?

NOTARY: Wait a second, how did I get here, what am I doing here?

SOS: Excuse me?

NOTARY: My name is Gertrude. I am a spirit possessing this body. I witnessed Jack (the dull boy) doing an improper Notarization and I wish to report him, or me, well actually him, but I am temporarily in his body until we get this issue resolved. My uncle Binkelthorp died because a Notary filled out a medical power of attorney wrong and I want revenge on all bad Notaries.

SOS: So, let me get this straight. You want to report yourself for committing Notarial malpractice?

NOTARY: No, not myself. I have only been in this body for 24 hours. The regular soul’s name is Jack, and although physically he looks exactly like how I look in front of you, his soul is the rightful custodian of this body and his soul is the one who committed Notarial malpractice. Just quiz him on Oath procedure and I’ll jump out of his body while he does it.

SOS: This sounds crazy but here goes. Please administer an Oath to me for a document that says, I committed Notarial fraud.

NOTARY: Um… I don’t understand the question.

SOS: Do you not know how to administer an Oath? That is one of your powers as a state commissioned Notary Public and you will lose your license if you don’t know how to do it.. How many years have you been a Notary?

NOTARY: Duh…

SOS: Okay, I am having your commission suspended, revoked, and terminated, and contacting the priest to get a statement about how you refused a member of the public for service — which is a crime. As a Notary Public, you are required to perform any legal request for a Notary act for any member of the public who has identified themselves properly and is in front of you. Otherwise you would be a Notary Private if you select the customer or which jobs you are willing to do.

NOTARY: I can’t believe this is happening. But, I’ve been a Notary for 20 years, and therefore must know what I’m doing.

SOS: You have clearly demonstrated that you have no idea what you are doing. You must have been sleeping for 20 years. If you were a brand new Notary, I might have you attend a class, but you have demonstrated a complete lack of respect for lawfulness. Let me get the priest on the phone who you disserved.

PRIEST: Hello, priest service. Jim speaking.

SOS: Hi, this is Frank at the Secretary of State’s office. We have a Notary named Gertrude who is also Jack. One of his personalities reported him to us for Notarial malpractice on you while you were doing some sort of an exorcism. Is that correct?

PRIEST: Correct.

SOS: It looks like you might have committed malpractice on the exorcism by allowing this spirit to inhabit this poor excuse of a Notary.

PRIEST: I neither allowed it nor discouraged it. Wandering spirits like to inhabit the bodies of the weak-willed. People who don’t take care of their health, mind, spirit, or in this case, their obedience towards proper Notary procedure.

SOS: Good point. In any case, did this Notary refuse to administer an Oath to you after you had appeared before him… or her.. and produced acceptable identification?

PRIEST: He most certainly did, and he was a he when I saw him… before Gertrude entered the picture… or the body… or exited one body and came into the other body.

SOS: We could use someone like Gertrude to clean up the Notary industry.

PRIEST: Umm, I’m not so sure that is a good idea. Gertrude can be very vindictive. She is considered to be bad news.

SOS: Yes, but that means she will help us convict bad Notaries because she suffered a horrible loss due to a bad Notary two decades ago and she wants revenge.

PRIEST: Oh… well, in that case, two wrongs make a right I guess. As a man of the cloth, I will have to stay out of this. We don’t like to be involved in anything punitive or vindictive — we leave that up to the holy father — he can be very punitive at times. That’s why I carry a lightening rod wherever I go — I keep it in the trunk. You never know when you’ll need it.

SOS: I’ve heard it all now. Hey Jack… We are sending you to Notary jail, fining you $1500 and revoking your commission. What do you think about that?

NOTARY: Ummm. But, I’ve been a Notary for 20 years and never had a problem.

SOS: You had plenty of problems, but the people you were working for didn’t know the difference — that is how you got away with it so long.

PRIEST: Looks like someone needs an exorcism by the way, not that I am using this misfortune as a way to get a new client.

GERTRUDE: I’ll go on my own. I have some other Notaries to possess.

PRIEST: And by the way… Here’s my card. I also do weddings and Bar Mitzvahs.

SOS: Bar Mitzvahs??? Aren’t you a priest?

PRIEST: In my neighborhood, its the only way to keep busy… Besides, what they don’t know won’t kill them.

SOS: Hold on, let me call 411. Hey, what’s the number for the Secretary of State Rabbi Division? I think I need to report someone.

THE END

You might also like:

The curse of the Notary mummy
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19918

Donnie Wahlburg and the Notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22199

Notary Psychic Tarot Card Reading
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19126

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