AKA: How to be polite when you’re in Affix!
Atheist etiquette
If you are notarizing an Atheist and he/she sneezes, don’t say God bless you.
Don’t sell people’s signatures
If you are notarizing a celebrity — Don’t rip out the portion of your journal with their autograph on it and sell it on ebay. That is considered to be bad manners in certain circles and is also a violation of notary law! Don’t sell your roommate’s notary seal on ebay either.
Don’t second guess family relations.
If you notarize who you think is the guy’s mother, but the woman is the guy’s wife, keep it to yourself. I once asked a guy, if I was going to notarize his mother, then he said, “That’s my wife.” — awkward… Oh, and don’t ask people if they are lesbian lovers even if you are asked to notarized an affidavit of domicile. Let them volunteer that information if they care to do so.
Guns & Religion
If you bring a gun to a signing, don’t talk about other loaded subjects like religion. On the other hand, if you go to a signing in a church, circumvent the issue of circumcision. If the phone rings during a Church signing, if it ain’t Jesus, don’t answer it.
If you are doing a signing for a hunter, should you bring up guns?
It’s worth a shot!
Tips for Notarizing Assassins
Avoid asking an assassin any direct questions such as, “What do you do?” Rather, ask more roundabout open ended questions, such as, “Have you done anything interesting recently with your career?” After all, if their deeds were done in some African country, they can speak freely in the United States about it with no fear of an awkward moment at a party.
If you make a mistake notarizing an assassin, don’t say, “SHOOT!”
If you are doing a signing for an assassin, make sure you include their middle name in the document.
I once asked an assassin, what is the difference between a murder and an assassination — where do you draw the line?
Loud televisions
Instead of bluntly asking someone to turn the TV down, you can say, “It’s very hard to hear you — did you say you liked your rate, or that you were having trouble staying awake?”
If you are mumbling under your breath, “What an idiot” in the context of asking someone to turn their TV down: make sure you say that with a safe margin of error before they actually turn the TV down.
If an elderly relative is watching a loud television. Politely let them know that you don’t want to let them know that you don’t want to become as deaf as they evidently are.
Notary Notes Sections
Rather than write the regular stuff in your notes section, you could write, “I will never insult the borrower, and I have a policy against parking in people’s lawns.”
Going to the bathroom in an outhouse
Notaries should never make a signer feel uncomfortable about having an outhouse. You should gracefully address the issue, but only if you actually are forced by natural causes to use that infrastructure. “I just loved the quarter moon in your outhouse, how quaint.”
“I just loved the latest issue of Outhouse & Gardens that I read while I was doing my business.”
Signings with beautiful women
If they ask you to do a Deed, it will be far more disappointing than doing “The Deed.”
Tips for Notarizing Zombies
It is considered bad manners for the notary to participate in the chanting, especially after they bring out the dead chicken, unless given express permission, otherwise it might cancel out the curse. Never tell a zombie that they look deathly ill — rather, tell them that they look deathly well. If you are having a zombie swear to the authenticity of a curse, it might be wiser to have the swear to a written version of the curse verbiage rather than to have them do a completely sworn Oath (otherwise you might become cursed or start hearing voices.) If asked to notarize a zombie’s death certificate, rather than claiming that it is against notary law to do so, ask them, “Which one?”
Popular Zombie Documents
It is common to have a formal Affidavit of transfer of Custodianship of Soul. This is where the zombie officially grants Power of Attorney to the “Bokor” or sorceror to have full control over their soul and body (or what’s left of it.) Please be advised that many zombies only have half a soul.
If a zombie commits perjury, it is punishable by life in prison. But, it is not stipulated which soul will inhabit the body during the sentence.
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What to say and what not to say.
Notary Etiquette – what to say and what not to say
Politeness is hard to gauge in any society. In a social environment, if people don’t like your comments, they just won’t associate with you. But, in a business environment, you will lose valuable clients. Personally, I am the worst person to write this post, because I am notorious for saying the wrong thing at every given opportunity. On the other hand, maybe thats why I am the perfect person to write this article — I know what one has to lose by opening their mouth!
Being professional
Some people treat professionalism by being overly uptight, no fun, and addressing people as Mr Smith, and Mrs. Sutterfield. They never crack a joke, and never express an opinion. They will dress well, and get their job done, but were they a pleasure to deal with? Sometimes I really tune into this issue at the Japanese restaurant down the street.
The Japanese restaurant
Its less than two miles away — a Japanese restaurant so good, its worth walking a mile to get to. With the lack of parking, sometimes I do walk at least half a mile, and then wait to be seated. They are the best cooks, and are very professionally dressed in their black ninja outfits. Politeness is never an issue, but there are never opinions, and small talk is …. well… “small”. Then, a new guy started working there. He is ultra friendly and talkative while being extremely polte. We talk about every topic under the sun (not the rising sun). He can talk about any subject while being careful not to criticize others. Maybe he should be writing this blog entry!
Being friendly!
To get good reviews with the signing services, you need to be a pleasure to work with. Being human and friendly is part of the game — of course without sacrificing professionalism. I really want to get responses from this blog on what the notaries consider the “right amount” of being friendly. The trick is knowing what to talk about and how to talk about it. With me, I’ll quickly digress into some inappropriate political discussion: a big no-no. But, weather is a much safer bet. But, even weather can be controversial. Talking about rain is safe, but should you wait for the other person to bring up the subject of tsunamis just to be safe? If its me, I’ll even ruin the subject of weather by bringing in the concept that God is upset with humans and thats why we are having the tsumani. I’ll alienate borrowers even with the safest of topics. Maybe I should stick to hurricanes. At least with hurricanes I can blame the government for being neglegent about building levies, and leave God out of it!!!
Safe topics
Traffic is a safe topic, especially for me, since its clearly the fault of humans and not God’s wrath. But, what if you are late and talk about traffic. Then, its no longer fun conversation — its an excuse… There’s a no-no! Only talk about traffic if you are on time! If its me, I’ll ruin even a nice conversation about traffic, by blaming the government for keeping gas taxes so low. After that remark, even the socialists will outcaste me! But, its true — if gas were $7 per gallon, there wouldn’t be any traffic — ever!!!
Fashion – is it safe?
Fashion could go either way. It depends on whether the other person has the same tastes as you. But, sticking to more “universal” topics like where the best sales are for general items is relatively safe. Talking about general items is politically correct, but when it gets into tweed blazers, you are entering an area of sociological barriers. The professors will like the conversation, and everyone else will raise their eyebrows!
Guns and Religion?
Obama really blew it with this comment. Religion teaches peace, so how can religious people love guns so much? Do they want to fight for peace? Don’t talk about this at a signing! But, if you can pull off talking about what happened at church last week without alienating those of a different caste, creed or faith, I’ll be impressed. If you can make this type of conversation “universal” in nature, you are a professional at knowing what to say and how to say it. I would personally give you a reward!
Politics?
OHG… stay away!!! The most political statement you can get away with is how you bumped into Obama at the swimming pool. That will work. You can mention how he out swam you. I heard he keeps very fit!
If you follow these tips, you will be a more professional notary!
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