ELITE CERTIFICATION

It started out being just a normal signing. But, the Notary was no ordinary Notary.

NOTARY: Hi, my name is Charles and I will be your signing agent this evening. If you have any questions during the signing process, please feel free to address those to me.

BORROWER: Sounds like a deal, Charles. We’ll conduct the signing in the dining room.

NOTARY: Great.

BORROWER: Would you like to sit down?

NOTARY: Oh, you see, my style of signings is more of a stand up signing.

BORROWER: Oh, yeah, I read in your reviews that you are a stand up guy. Now, I think I know what they meant.

NOTARY: Good one. I didn’t know my reviews said that. I thought it said that I showed up on time;

BORROWER: That was only for one signing, the one where you set your clocks back an hour in November. No wonder you were on time for the first time in your life.

NOTARY: That was low, but it works. Anyway. Let’s begin with the Deed of Trust. We need to initial each page.

BORROWER: Have you done this before, or do you consider this to be improv?

NOTARY: I did my routine once, but on a reverse mortgage, so I have to turn my jokes around for this type of signing.

BORROWER: Do you need to go back into the driveway and turn your car around too?

NOTARY: Not until the signing is over.

BORROWER: Good one! Okay, look. This is my initial initial.

NOTARY: Hey, not fair, you are funnier than me. Oh look, your APR is 6.2% — what a joke!

BORROWER: Uh oh, I could have you reported for kibbitzing on my loan. No commentary aloud — allowed.

NOTARY: Did you just make a word play? You are right, I have no place commenting on your loan, especially not satirically.

BORROWER: I didn’t shop around for this.

NOTARY: It’s okay. The 30 years you are paying 6.2% instead of 6.1% will probably only cost you $40,000 and I’m sure the ten hours you saved by not shopping around is worth more than $40,000, right?

BORROWER: Grumble. You are so fired, but thanks.

NOTARY : On the other hand, rates just went up, so you probably lost your lock, and the financial institution you borrowed from is one of the best and gives competitive rates, so you did okay. I just said what I said in jest.

BORROWER: Hey, you just made a word play with the just and the jest. Was that a soliloquy?

NOTARY: No, you are just being silly-oquy. Now, let’s look at the HUD or the Closing Disclosure. Hmm, it says the Notary fee is $300. Guess how much of that I get?

BORROWER: Umm, the whole thing?

NOTARY: You missed your calling in life — you should have been a comedian. No, I get $60 which covers my gas, printing, other auto expenses, and a happy meal.

BORROWER: Reminds me of the time I went on a rick-shaw ride in India. The guy wanted 70 rupees and I offered him 60. He said, “Hey buddy, the price if imported whiskey is not going down — 70, no discounts.”

NOTARY: How comforting. That reminds me of the Arabian signer I had who told me all about his harem. He had four Saudi girls, two African girls, but wanted a blonde. So, he went to all types of trouble to coerce a blonde to live with him in his palace. He finally got a girl named Christina to be part of his harem. He said, “Once I had a blonde blue eyed lady as part of my harem — Christina. She always used to talk back to me… I found it so (pause) refreshing. After three months I had to send her back to the states. I will never forget my little Christina.”

BORROWER: You know how it is for people in third world countries. I think there is an expression about white girls (or guys) — Once you’ve had vanilla, you’ll love like a chinchilla, sipping sarsparilla, on a beach on the coast of Manila.

NOTARY: That must be a come back to — once you’ve had black, ain’t no turning back.

BORROWER: Something like that, although yours is more imaginative especially with the chinchilla. Do they have chinchillas in the Philippines?

NOTARY: Not sure, I think they are cute little creatures who live in the Andes. Okay, now to the Right to Rescind. Forgive me father, for I have rescinded.

BORROWER: Oh, that’s an old one. I’ve heard that many times from all of the past Notaries I’ve met.

NOTARY: I know, sounds like something they would say on late night television on Craig Ferguson’s show. Okay, you can cancel by email, fax, or in writing.

BORROWER: I don’t have a fax.

NOTARY: Well then better make sure you really want this loan!

BORROWER: I think I want it. But, I do have email.

NOTARY: Better print out the email and the send date so you have proof that you sent it. You know how these banks are.

BORROWER: Okay, I signed here. Are you going to acknowledge my signature.

NOTARY: No, you are.

BORROWER: So, let me get this straight. I acknowledge my own signature, and then you are the one who gets paid.

NOTARY: As I said before — you’re in the wrong profession.

BORROWER: I’m beginning to think you are right.

NOTARY: Now, on to the signature affidavit. You have to swear that you signed it.

BORROWER: Okay, (raising his right hand) I swear.

NOTARY: But, you haven’t signed it yet.

BORROWER: Oh yeah.

NOTARY: Thank God you’re not a Notary, missing a signature like that — otherwise you’d really be in the wrong profession! That’s not only careless what you did, but illegal — 5 years.

BORROWER: Five years for a little joke?

NOTARY: That was under Oath with a public official — me.

BORROWER: Good God, I’ll stick to jokes about the APR from now on. Did you hear about the APR that wanted to go onto the next stage in life? He became a BPR.

NOTARY: Bad one. Boo. I got one. How do you define the APR to a non-borrowing spouse?

BORROWER: You mention it deducts many of the fees and closing costs before doing the calculation? That’s not funny.

NOTARY: It is with your loan. Have you seen the appraisal fee — that’s insane!

BORROWER: You’re fired… again. Except I can’t fire you because you have something on me — that damn Oath I took. My pre-signature Oath.

NOTARY: Those pre-signature Oaths will get you every time. I call them pre-sigs. Happens all the time. Borrowers will swear to anything, they think it’s cool.

BORROWER: Now to do the Jurat. You need to watch me sign in your presence for one of these according to what I read in Jeremy’s course. Are you watching? I’m signing now, keep looking…. I saw you look away… Keep looking.

NOTARY: Are you even watching what you are signing, or are you just watching me?

BORROWER: Oh, you are … what a scribble. I signed that? I should have been paying attention.

NOTARY: Correction, you should have been witnessing your own signature instead of trying to witness me witnessing your signature.

BORROWER: Once again, I’m in the wrong profession, but thank God I’m not a Notary.

NOTARY: Exactly. Jokes aside — yes! Okay.. got one. What did the Notary say to the borrower?

BORROWER: Umm. Sign here?

NOTARY: No, he said, “Sign exactly as your name appears on title.”

BORROWER: That sounds about right, but isn’t funny. What if the borrower is irate about their APR?

NOTARY: That’s more along the lines of where you get to the punch line. Or getting thrown down a flight of stairs.

BORROWER: Ouch. Did that really happen?

NOTARY: It’s all documented in Jeremy’s blog — real story, and that’s no joke. Now let’s look at the 1003.

BORROWER: Page three says, “This page intentionally left blank.” sounds like a Seinfeld situation. It’s more like a joke than a real loan document.

NOTARY: That’s the irony. It looks like a joke, but it actually isn’t a joke.

BORROWER: That’s kind of like most of your jokes in reverse. They sound like jokes, but they aren’t funny.

NOTARY: You laughed, so they are funny, at least to you.

BORROWER: You got me on that one just like my Lender got me on the APR.

NOTARY: Now it is time to do journal thumbprints. I need three thumbprints, one here, one here, and one here — one for each entry.

BORROWER: Here you go.

NOTARY: So, how would you rate the signing overall — jokes aside?

BORROWER: I would give it three thumbs, but not three thumbs up. Three thumbs horizontally.

NOTARY: Not sure if that constitutes an official rating, but it will have to do.

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DONNIE: Hi, I’m looking for a Notary who is reliable who can help me notarize a few Affidavits.

NOTARY: Well I’m reliable.

DONNIE: Oh you are? That’s great. Because the other Notaries failed to assure me that they were reliable, therefore you’re the one I’m going to hire for my two hundred documents.

NOTARY: Really?

DONNIE: No dumb-ass! You really think I’m going to take your word for it numb-nuts? The fact that you claim to be reliable doesn’t mean jack. This is ridiculous! I’m calling someone else.

DONNIE: Hi, I’m looking for a Notary who is reliable who can help me notarize a few Affidavits.

NOTARY: I’m cooking right now. I’m a bit of a gourmet.

DONNIE: Oh, I have a new brand for you for gourmets with attitude. It’s called “What the Puck, by Wolfgang Puck.”

(disclaimer — this is not a real brand and the reference was for purely comedic purposes and yes, we love Wolfgang Puck’s line of soups by the way in real life. Particularly chicken and wild rice because I like it wild.)

NOTARY: I find that kind of offensive.

DONNIE: Well I find it offensive that you act like you’re on vacation during a fricking business call. Get your head out of your ass and let me know if you wanna work or not?

NOTARY: I politely decline.

DONNIE: I’ll have to find someone else for my 200 Affidavits that I’m paying $10 per head for.

NOTARY: I changed my mind, I’m so behind on my payments.

DONNIE: You’re behind on payments because you put recreation ahead of work as a matter of practice. I need to find a real Notary who takes life seriously. (slams phone down)

DONNIE: (ring-ring) Hi, I need a Notary to notarize a few Affidavits.

KEN: Sounds super. Can you read the name as it appears on your ID?

DONNIE: What’s it to you buddy?

KEN: It’s a legal requirement and believe me, I’m not asking you for the pleasure of asking.

DONNIE: Fair enough. It says…. Donnie Wahlberg, Donnie spelled with an i.e. at the end like your giving an example. And Wahlberg which has an “h” after the a, and the berg has an “e”, not a “u”, not that there’s anything wrong with having a “u”.

KEN: Well I don’t have a “u”, nor do I have anything against “u.”

DONNIE: And you never will.

KEN: You’re probably not my type anyway, but it never hurts to meet new people.

DONNIE: You know something… I like you. You ain’t that bad! You didn’t say nuttin’ stupid like those other nitwits I talked to.

KEN: Hey, don’t knock it. I get a lot of work cleaning up after those clowns. Too bad the clown schools aren’t taking applications because then they could become professional clowns.

DONNIE: I’m not sure I want someone squirting me with water at a signing.

KEN: All I can say is just hope to god they don’t have cream pie for desert after the signing is over. You never know where that could go.

DONNIE: Yeah, tell me about it. You’re hired. By the way, 200 documents isn’t a problem for you, right?

KEN: cha-ching! I hit the jackpot. It just means more journal entries and a little self-massage of my hand when it cramps up. By the way, do you happen to have any good massage oil?

DONNIE: I actually know of some good brands from Whole Foods that my new girlfriend just tipped me off to. She just finished school to become a Thai masseuse, but she’s Irish which is another story.

KEN: Oh really. Tell me more… And by the way, she’ll have to change her accent. People go to Thai massage to hear, “Sawat de ka” and “I do for you.” and not “Ay, the luck of leprichauns… my father O’Flanahan knows a wee over two thousand stories about those creatures he told me as a lass, he did.”

DONNIE: A point well taken. I’ll take her to one of those accent reduction places for people whose American accent is too thick.

KEN: I like it! Just have her put a little nasal into it and whine a little bit. She’ll be perfect.

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