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January 8, 2011

10 reasons why the State Notary divisions should be nationalized.

Filed under: Public Interest — admin @ 1:23 am

Normally I am in favor of state rights. But, as far as Notary Public issues are concerned, the states are not doing a good job except for California for whom I would give a C. Here are some compelling reasons why the notary divisions should be nationalized.

1. Education
Most states either do not have educational programs for Notaries, or don’t have very good educational programs. The state notary handbooks have a variety of laws and practices, but do not generally spell out exactly how to interpret or apply laws or what to do in particular situations that arise regularly that could cause confusion or danger. Some states have too many laws which make it hard to learn them all. While other states have too few laws. If we would have just the right amount of laws, and those laws would be nationalized, and well taught, there would be a higher percent of highly informed Notaries who do their job correctly at all times which is my goal.

2. Testing
Not all states have a Notary Test. Those that do have a Notary test normally have a multiple choice written test. Testing people on nitpicky legal issues is fine and dandy, but if a Notary cannot fill in a journal or forms correctly then what good are they? Hands on testing and testing people to see how they handle curve-balls such as legal requests that seem illegal or illegal requests that seem legal is absolutely necessary in my opinion.

3. Auditing
Notaries get away with all sorts of mischief in all states. Most Notaries not only omit legally required Oaths, but claim not to understand my instructions when I ask them to give me an Oath on a document. Many Notaries do not keep their journal correctly which is a danger to society. If there is identity theft, the journal is the only means to know what happened at a transaction and the journal thumbprint is the only way the FBI can catch the bad guys in many cases. Notaries nationwide need to be checked up upon once or twice a year to make sure they are not doing anything wrong. For the government to have time to check up on everyone, there needs to be fewer Notaries otherwise the job would take too long.

4. Standardization of Notary Acts
There are many variations on Notary Acts from state to state. It can be confusing for interstate transactions and for people who run nationwide Notary associations. It is easier if there are standardized acts nationwide and standardized laws.

5. Thumbprinting
Many Notaries on 123notary helped the FBI catch some awful criminals who did Ponzi schemes, identity theft and more. It was the thumbprint that was the critical piece of evidence that helped catch the bad guys. Most Notaries outside of CA feel they should not have to take thumbprints. Having national laws requiring thumbprints is the only way to safeguard society from cons.

6. Quality Standards
Before a prospective Notary takes a course, they should take a quick IQ test and personality test to see if they are well adjusted to be a Notary Public. Someone with an IQ of 100-120 who is anal, picky, has tremendous integrity, and follows the law to the letter and fills out forms correctly every time would be the ideal candidate to be a Notary. People who have screws loose are dangerous as Notaries because they will accept illegal requests becuase they can’t keep the law straight in their head. I find this out during testing as my over the phone test asks people which situations are acceptable to notarize and more than half of our Notaries decline legal requests while accepting illegal requests. Quality control is easier on a national level to make sure all Notaries know what they are doing to a T.

7. Notary Fees
Most states have ridiculously low Notary Fees. To attract good Notaries, Notary fees need to be at least $20 for the first Notary act and at least $40 for a travel fee for jobs more than 25 minutes away. Notaries in states that pay 50 cents for a Notary act tend not to be very good Notaries. Can you imagine why?

My recommendations

1. Four days of Notary education training that covers laws, processes, identifying people, administering Oaths, form filling, journals, and dealing with legal vs. illegal requests. One day of training is not enough to do a thorough job of covering all the bases here. Additionally, a refresher course for a few hours once or twice a year might help keep knowledge solidly in a Notary’s head as well.

2. A written and hands on test that could be one on one makes sense. What good is knowing the law if you don’t know how to fill in necessary forms?

3. Higher fees to become a Notary. To weed out applicants that are not serious, higher fees and more days of school will weed out people who don’t absolutely want to become a Notary Public.

4. The government should check up on Notaries at least once per year to make sure they are not skimping on responsibilities or accepting illegal requests. An undercover government worker could coerce the Notary to do something illegal to see if the Notary would comply and then fine the Notary if the Notary complied.

5. State websites (taken over by the Feds) should spell out all Notary situations and applications of laws. Identification standards should be the most emphasized as that is a huge area of contention. Names on ID’s do not always exactly match names on documents and formal standards for handling every type of mismatch should be documented on websites.

6. Most states do not make it clear that an Acknowledged signature can be signed (in 44 states) prior to appearing before the Notary Public. Most Notaries are falsely under the impression that they need to witness acknowledged signatures. What good are laws if the laws are not clearly explained? This is the most clear cut example of a law that is misinterpreted more than it is correctly interpreted. Thank God I went to a good Notary school when I became a Notary!

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January 7, 2011

Rich man poor man: Market Yourself to the Wealthy

Filed under: Ken Edelstein,Popular Overall — Tags: , , , , — admin @ 10:24 pm

Rich Man Poor Man

Here is some shocking news – wealthy people have an easier time paying a higher notary fee compared to poor people. Wow! Whatta surprise. Pardon my obvious statement. But I do wonder why so many notaries are struggling with signing service fees – fees paid by little entities with balance sheets that are awash in red ink. Do you have a signing service in your town? Probably not, but you do have many wealthy people whose time is very valuable. Now you know the secret of collecting those higher and much easier to earn fees. Market yourself to the wealthy. It’s that simple. It’s the opposite of going, as a notary to the poorhouse seeking clients. Who are the wealthy? You already know – but might not know just why they need you. Let’s take some time out from the signing rat race, step out of the maze and let me show you the shortcut to the cheese.

I had a fellow who gave me over 17 Apostille assignments for an adoption. He needed various doctor statements to be notarized and receive an Apostille. My fee for each, no discounting; was on the high side for an edoc job. However, the work was much quicker and cleaner. He was a –big shot – stockbroker. He worried about missing an important call and losing a commission that would have been over 6 months of earning – for me. But, not for him; he makes that much money in the course of a 15 minute phone call. I know this for a fact as he told me – while paying me – how he just made several thousand dollars. He even gave me a Franklyn for a tip!

Attorneys often receive Power of Attorney; to sign papers for their clients. The high profile client does not want to hunt for a notary. The Attorney of record, as involved in the transaction cannot notarize the client giving him the power – so an outside notary is needed. Enter the mobile notary, me, to their office. Of course they have others who usually handle this, but sometimes they are on vacation or out sick – I get the call. Doctors, will not go hunting for a notary – they like to have a card on file of a reliable notary who will go to them.

Everyday shopkeepers, who must –mind the store- often have legal documents that must be notarized. The needs vary greatly – the common thread is that their time is worth more than your time. They can pay me XX which is very much worth my while to go to them – and that XX is less than the revenue they would lose by going to find a notary. Clearly, this works best with people whose time is one of their most valuable assets. As a http://newyorkmobilenotarypublic.com I probably have more rich people here in Manhattan compared to most places. But the concept is applicable in your home town too. Give a card to the general manager of the large Big Box stores in the local shopping centers. I sure don’t have many WalMarts in Manhattan. That person is busy, very busy – and is likely to need a notary now and then but do they have your card? That person pays to save time using company money – it’s not out of the managers’ pocket – does that matter to you.

To harp on the point. Seek out the wealthy who have little time to spare and more money to spend. When you run out of wealthy prospects seek out those who can pay using –company money- to save their personal time. Trust me on this – it is very pleasant to work with these people. They are very appreciative of your services, and are willing to pay fair rates. Now compare what I have written above to a discussion with El Cheepo signing as you beg for an additional ten dollars for faxing 50 pages. Are you marketing yourself wisely to the right prospects?

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7 ways to use Facebook to market your notary services
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=5396

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Caught DWI? Here’s the truth

Filed under: Other Guest Bloggers — Tags: — admin @ 7:41 pm

Caught DWI? Here’s the truth

DWI is full of myths and exaggerations. It’s almost as if it were a misunderstood story, and mostly because it’s a common charge. We know you want to know the real truth, so that’s why we’re prepared some dwi facts for you.

You can still be charged with DWI even if you haven’t had a drink

Driving While Intoxicated means alcohol – that’s what most people think. They imagine a person who cannot talk and stumble because it’s drunk from too many drinks. Truth be told, you can be charged with DWI is valid when it comes to the drugs in your system, illegal or not, prescription, over-the-counter kind of medicine or a combination between illicit drugs and prescription. In this case, make sure you do not make any admissions or statements. Give your license and insurance to the police, but decline politely to answer the questions – tell them you will not answer any question without first speaking to a lawyer.

The police cannot force you to take a sobriety test

Not many people know about this. Some have heard the truth, it’s one of the fundamental mistakes. They cannot force you to do it, so don’t do it. In this case, you can politely decline to do the field sobriety test.

You can get charged with DWI in any vehicle, even a golf cart…

…or tractor, or a four-wheeler. For instance, in Texas, a “motor vehicle” is a device in, on or by which someone can be transported on a highway. Trains are not in this category. This leaves out a lot of motorized vehicles, actually. But if you’re caught, the same DWI rules will apply just they would if you were driving a car.

You don’t actually know how intoxicated you are

Your judgement is the first thing that is going to be affected after you’ve consumed alcohol. Sure, you know what your tolerance is, but the state can and will prosecute you even if you act and look normal. They can prove what the blood alcohol concentration is. To be sure, get a portable Blood Alcohol Calculator.

Those Americans who are charged with DWI or DUI cannot enter Canada without special permission

Most of the people are shocked to find out they’re not going to enter Canada after they’ve been charged with DWI or DUI or even other alcohol-related matter. There’s one way, though, to do this, and that is to apply for a Temporary Resident Permit (or TRP) or Criminal Rehabilitation.

You can get your driver’s license suspended twice

In Texas, many people charged with DWI are facing 2 driver’s license suspensions. One has to do with the breath or blood test and the other one if convicted of a DWI. If you refuse to give a specimen of breath of blood, your driver’s license will be suspended for 180 days; if the specimen is over the limit – 90 days; if you’re getting sentenced for DWI – 2 years.

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Long term Notary marketing plans

Filed under: Marketing Articles — Tags: , , , , — admin @ 12:11 pm

Do you have a long term marketing plan? Many Notaries don’t really have a plan. They just haphazardly go from one Notary related decision to the next. If enough people demand background screening they get it. If they like a particular type of advertising, they get more of it. If they need more work, the lower their rates. The element of calculation is generally missing from how they conduct their business.

Have a long term plan
My point is that you need to have some loose long term plans for your Notary marketing. Figure out what you hope to earn. Decide how much you wish to invest in items such as advertising, background screening, certifications, E&O insurance, etc. Then, try to figure out which type of advertising & other items to get, and from whom. All of these decisions should be based on calculations, and not on how you feel. But, putting most notaries failure to calculate the value of their investments aside, most Notaries base their long term needs on current conditions which is suicide as conditions can change overnight in our business.

Current conditions don’t matter
If a Notary is getting “enough” business now, they don’t want to invest in more advertising. If a Notary is not getting “enough” business, they also don’t want to invest in more advertising because — why bet on a losing horse? Both attitudes are wrong. Other Notaries want to spend too much on advertising without analyzing what type of advertising makes sense. A good ad on 123notary needs six reviews, 123notary certification, and a beautifully written notes section to do well. If you give us $2000 and don’t do the needful preparations, you will not get the full value of the investment which is your fault as we normally cram our unwanted free help down the unwilling throats of Notaries who don’t understand the value in it. Get enough advertising and other items to be able to survive slow times in business.

Base your Notary marketing strategy on being prepared for bad times.
I’ve been in the Notary business since 1997. I’ve seen booms and busts and all types of up and down cycles. It doesn’t matter how much business you get when times are good. Base your marketing to prepare for when times are bad. If you develop a solid customer base and have solid advertising, certifications and all of the other bells & whistles, you will be a lot more prepared for bad times. Notaries with solid customer bases survive the bad times — a few even flourish. I talk to close to a thousand Notaries per month and have talked to all types. If you have too many clients when times are good, that is not a problem. That way you get to pick and choose which ones you will service, and tell the others you are too busy. Most companies are unpleasant to work for, so having the luxury of picking and choosing can completely change your quality of life and is worth an additional amount of advertising.

What do you invest in first? Training
There are various things you can invest in to make your Notary business better. Training should be the first. You can purchase thousands of dollars of advertising, but without the training, you won’t know what you are doing even if you think you do. We have many Mortgage brokers who think they know it all since they have 30 years in the industry. They do not know what it is like on the Notary’s side of the table and cannot answer my easy over the phone questions. All Notaries need to constantly brush up on their signing agent knowledge no matter what their professional background is. Some training is free while others cost. There is no substitute for solid business skills, and training cannot teach you that. The Notaries that do well often have a solid business background as a manager, Real Estate Broker, or some field that involves coordinating schedules, paperwork and dealing with people. However, you can learn a lot from reading all of our blogs and take courses from various agencies. When I was a Notary I passed certifications from five agencies, so you don’t have to stop with just one.

What comes after training? Advertising
After you have educated yourself to your satisfaction, what should the next step be? Advertising or background screening? If you don’t get background screened, you might lose 30% of your business. But, if you don’t advertise, you won’t get any business to begin with. E&O is the icing on the cake. But, properly maintaining your Notary profiles on the various directories needs to be a priority. Your profile needs to constantly be brushed up.

What comes after Advertising?
Background Screening, E&O, company name registrations, fancy equipment, etc. How far you go should depend on how serious you are.

How much should I invest?
Being in the Notary business is a real business. Most businesses require hundreds of thousands in expenses. Being a Notary is easy and only requires a few hundred. If you are serious about this business, take a gamble on yourself and invest at least a $1000 on everything. I would get three or more certifications, advertise on all the major directories, get background screened, and at least 100K in E&O as well. If you want a high spot on 123notary, do yourself a favor and get the bells & whistles on your listing before you spend big money. That way you’ll get much more mileage out of your investment!

What is the real preparation?
My guru always says that the real preparation for the end of the world is not a physical preparation, but a spiritual preparation. The real preparation for good times and bad as a Notary has to do with solid relationships you’ve built up over years. All of the suggestions we make are not ends in themselves. They build up a foundation to help you create those winning relationships — the rest is up to you!

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Notary Funeral — When the Commission Expired

Filed under: Andy Cowan — Tags: , — admin @ 12:03 pm

NOTARY FUNERAL – WHEN THE COMMISSION EXPIRED

We’re gathered here today to celebrate the life and times of a man who made the world a better place. Since he’s no longer here, I don’t have to swear to that. He first knew he wanted to make a mark on the world when he asked to witness others making marks on pieces of paper. Other kids learned the three Rs. Our friend who we miss so learned the three-kinda-looks-like-Rs-but-better-make-sure-they’re-legible-before-he-definitely-calls-them-Rs. He was accepted as a Navy Seal, but chose to join the Notary Seals. His most dangerous mission – asking for Edward Scissorhands’ signature. He switched from pre-med to pre-notary in college, because he wanted to witness legible handwriting instead of his own horrendous handwriting had he stayed a doctor.

He was a good man who never backdated. He met his dear wife on the notary dating site, affiant.com. His wife tried to get his death certificate notarized, not realizing you can’t notarize vital records. We don’t measure his life in years, but the number of commissions he held, ever since he was of legal age. He signed, sealed, and now he shall be delivered.

Instead of being cremated, he requested to be shredded.

In lieu of flowers, his family requests pens. He never had enough pens.

You might also like:

Notary Hell — Yeah, but it’s a dry heat
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=13196

Witnessing intake forms for Notary heaven
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=8832

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Marine Protest

Filed under: Technical & Legal — Tags: , , , — admin @ 10:31 am

A Protest is an antiquated Notary act that used to be performed in the 1700’s to protest the non-payment of a bill. Rhode Island is the only state where a Notary can perform the unique act of a Marine Protest. There is also a separate official state Notary fee for performing a Marine Protest. I have never met a Rhode Island Notary who actually performed such an act, but maybe one should just for fun.

A Marine Protest or Sea Protest is a statement where a captain or officer can include relevant details about the ship, voyage, cargo, drafts, date of departure, date of arrival in the next port. Thie type of act is commonly used in unfavorable weather conditions as that could affect a late arrival of a shipment. The Marine protest will protect the vessel and their owners from further claims brought forward by charterers, shippers, and cargo receivers.

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10 tight points on loose certificates
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15449

Interesting and uncommon notary acts
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=483

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Jeremy’s trip to Texas (yee-haw)

Filed under: General Stories — admin @ 9:29 am

I went to Texas in November on a relocation trip. I wanted to get a sense of the various cities so I could figure out if I wanted to relocate. Needless to say, driving from Los Angeles to Texas was a lot of driving. I was anxious to get out of town. So, I got my work done as fast as possible. The minute I was done, I bolted. The first day I drove 700 miles from Los Angeles to Deming. Then from Deming to Hobbs so I could see more of Southeastern New Mexico and then the next day I got to Dallas.

My dream was to have dim sum (Chinese dumplings brought around on little carts) and sit next to a Texas millionaire who was about 65 and wearing an oversized coyboy hat who would tell me all about how he made his first million while ordering in fluent Chinese with a thick Texan drawl. No such luck. My meal in Dallas was spent sitting next to some snobby guys in their mid 30’s who looked like they were more than just friends. The entire restaurant was snobby and unfriendly. It took a few days to figure out that every Texan I met hated Dallas and thought it was snobby. But, Dallas is where the sophistication is. Can’t we have sophistication without the attitude problem? I’m not moving to this place. So, I checked out some other towns and had excellent Chinese food in Richardson and Grand Prairie.

I drove down to Houston which had a very odd Gulf of Mexico vibe even when you were 50 miles or more from the water. Other people felt it too. The road rage in Houston was bad, and I got out of there, but only after a few hours bumming around Chinatown and having some good dumplings. The next day was the Alamo. I had been there before (and didn’t forget) and loved it the second time around. I had Texas style gumbo on the riverwalk, and a great Thai massage uptown too. San Antonio is the nicest city I have seen anywhere. But, I didn’t meet my Texas millionaire there. Next was up to Austin, and I had a nice conversation with a construction worker at a taco place. He said the city did nothing but grow out of control for more than ten years and he had no time off. After that it was back to Fort Worth for a German pancake, some Cajun food and more looking around town. But, no Texas Millionaire. The next day I left Texas and it was up to Oklahoma.

The minute I crossed the border into Oklahoma I stopped for gas. There was a long line. I started chatting with a very unassuming guy who was about 65 dressed in jeans and a baseball hat plus a vest. He told me he had a house in Dallas and another in Palm Springs. He had a solid business, and worked until late in life, saved up and lived the lifestyle that he wanted. Finally — I had met my Texas millionaire! He was nice too. After that I saw a little of OKC, and then to Tulsa. I had no idea that Oklahoma was such a spiritual state. I meditated and the vibration for meditation was better there than anywhere else I have ever seen. Hiking next to a lake was spectacular too as Oklahoma is picturesque and beautiful. I had previously thought it was Texas under another name, but it is really different and so much more asthetically pleasing than Texas which is ugly in most parts (although the Eastern extreme of Texas has pretty trees).

After that I spent some time in New Mexico. I stayed in Santa Fe for a few days and then down to Roswell, Ruidoso, and Deming. I had great Mexican and Vietnamese food in Roswell and a great hike in Ruidoso. Roswell is famous for UFO landings. So I made my UFO joke.

ME: Are you going to abduct me?
GREEN GUY: No, but can you like us on Facebook?

It was hard to find healthy food in most of New Mexico. The state revolves around meat. Vegetables are just not a big thing there and that is bad. It is hard to stay healthy and not get fat, diabetes, or heart disease if you eat meat and tortillas all day long. In any case, I spent a few days in Phoenix after that where I know where to get amazing salads, and then came home feeling exhausted. I couldn’t figure out why I felt so drained. Carmen thought I was tired. But, I think that staying around oil rigs on the road was toxic. The Texas panhandle, Western Oklahoma and SE New Mexico are all being drilled up and it stinks of gas there. America is being destroyed by oil companies and the government allows this. Solar is so much of a better idea. When will we all wake up?

In any case, my trip was fruitful (but not vegetable-full) in that I learned which cities I like and which I did not. All in all, I think that moving out of Los Angeles is a bad idea as we have so much more here than any other city I have ever been to. And, I met my Texas millionaire – not where I wanted to meet him, and he wasn’t fluent in Chinese with a Texan drawl, but he was still nice.

My best memory of the trip was at Eatzy’s in Dallas in the sandwich section. I told the clerk how I complimented some people on their dumplings. I said:

“Ni-men de guo tie fei chang hao.” Then I said, “How is my accent?” He said, “You need to say y’all more.” I don’t think people use the word y’all when they speak Chinese. But, since I learned in the South of China, maybe it will catch on.

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California Acknowledgment Wording Explained

Filed under: California_Notary — Tags: , — admin @ 7:59 am

California Acknowledgment Wording Explained

The most common notary act in the United States is the Acknowledgment. Acknowledged signatures represent roughly 80% of notary acts; with Jurats comprising of most of the remainder.

Here is some sample California Acknowledgment Wording.

State of _____________
County of ____________

On _________ before me, ________________________________________,
(name of notary public )
personally appeared _____________________________________________
who proved to me on the basis of satisfactory evidence to be the person(s)
whose name(s) is/are subscribed to the within instrument and who acknowledged
to me that he/she/they executed the same in their authorized capacity(ies),
and by his/her/their signature(s) on the instrument the person(s), or entity
upon behalf of which the person(s) acted, executed the instrument.

I certify under PENALTY of PERJURY under the laws of the state of California
that the foregoing paragraph is true and correct.

WITNESS my hand and official seal.

____________________________
(Signature of Notary)

Please note that the top section of the certificate wording is called the venue which consists of a documentation of the state and the county. Next comes the body of the acknowledgment certification which documents the date, the name of the notary, the name of the signer who personally appeared before the notary, the fact that the signer was identified properly (they use the term satisfactory evidence to mean that the signer had ID, or was identified through the use of credible witnesses).

The most critical part of the California Acknowledgment Verbiage is that the signer acknowledges subscribing to the within instrument. This simply means that the signer claims that they signed the document. They could have signed hours, months, or years before seeing the notary — and it doesn’t matter so long as they appear before the notary to “acknowledge” that they signed the document. Additionally, the signer must sign the California Notary Journal as well.

Witness my hand and official seal is confusing California Acknowledgment verbiage. A seal, in notary verbiage, could refer to a signature or an official notary stamp (confusing). The notary must sign and affix his/her/its notary seal to the California Acknowledgment Certificate. Please note that the stamp may not be placed over any signatures or wording otherwise it voids the seal.

Please also note that there are lots of (s), is/are, he/she/they, within the text. The notary is expected (many do not do this though) to cross out the inappropriate text near the forward slashes. If you are doing a notarization for a single man, then cross out the she and they and (s) in name, unless he has more than one name being used in the notarization (which would be an interesting case).

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Two and a half notaries: The intercontinental notary seal

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: , — admin @ 7:49 am

WARNING: This skit may have a few inappropriate references that could be considered slightly offensive to people with morals, people who don’t have morals, as well as people who are just not sure.

ALAN: I have an idea

CHARLIE: What is it this time? Are we going to all dress in green and walk down the street signing Gaelic songs?

ALAN: No, it’s even better than that, although I do love Gaelic music.

BERTA: Spit it out! Tell us what you want to do.

ALAN: I thought it would be great if we all became notaries! It is a service everybody needs. And then we would have something in common. You know — to talk about.

CHARLIE: Notary? I don’t really think anyone will need my services as a Notary. Nobody has ever asked me about that before.

JAKE: What’s a notary?

ALAN: Well, you see, a notary is a profession, where they check people’s ID, verify that they are the correct signer, witness them signing a document, and then they affix their notary stamp or seal to the document. Sometimes they even swear under Oath.

JAKE: Sounds cool, I think you should do it. (yawning and patting his mouth)

CHARLIE: I don’t know if I want to invest my precious time doing all the procedures to become a notary, especially not during the superbowl.

BERTA: I heard that Monica needed a Notary…

CHARLIE: Where do I sign up?

ALAN: We can all go down to the County Clerk, and fill out the forms. Then, we get our notary seals.

CHARLIE: Deal.

JAKE: Can I become a notary too?

ALAN: I think you need to be a little older.

CHARLIE: Yeah, and not be a felon.

JAKE: I’m not a felon… Wait! What’s a felon?

BERTA: Someone who was convicted of a serious crime, like my uncle Sam. He robbed a liquor store. But, it was an accident. I swear!

JAKE: Never mind, I don’t want to be a dumb notary anyway.

ALAN: Maybe we can get you a training stamp.

JAKE: Oh, kind of like a training bra, except for notaries

CHARLIE: This kid needs a lot more than just training.

ALAN: Maybe it will be good for him. You never know. Sometimes, hands on knowledge sticks with you more than stuff you learned in school.

JAKE: I’m asleep or daydreaming half the time in school anyway.

CHARLIE: Exactly!

(Charlie, Alan, and their friend Samantha go down to the County Clerk. Fill out the forms. A few weeks later, they get their notary commissions and then they go to purchase their official notary seals)

ALAN: I’d like to purchase a notary seal

CLERK: Sorry buddy. We’re all out of seals, and our next order won’t come in for another three weeks.

ALAN: Three weeks? Do you have anything left?

CLERK: I just got this one. It’s a store sample, so it’s been used before so people can see how the seal comes out on paper.

ALAN: Looks like I don’t have much choice. I’ll take it. How much is it?

CLERK: $25 even.

ALAN: But, it is so small. I’ve never seen a notary seal so small before.

CLERK: Sorry kid, it’s all we’ve got.

ALAN: I’ll take it!

(meanwhile, all three newly commissioned notaries return to Charlie’s Malibu house)

CHARLIE: Check out my new notary seal. It’s gold plated, and comes in a velvet lined case! Pretty snazzy!

SAMANTHA: I love it. It’s beautiful, just like the things you used to buy me when we were dating.

ALAN: How long ago was that?

CHARLIE: It was off and on. More off than on. But, that’s okay.

ALAN: So, where did you get that seal? It’s amazing!

CHARLIE: I know this place in Beverly Hills. They do customized work over there. For the right price, they can do anything for you — I mean anything. They had to special order this seal, but it was fast because they had a courier bring it down from Sacramento.

SAMANTHA: Check out my seal. It’s pink, but the ink is black. You know — for legal purposes. What about your seal Alan?

ALAN: You probably don’t want to see it. It’s just a seal.

CHARLIE: It was your idea for us all to become notaries, so yes, we do want to see it.

ALAN: It’s in the car. I’ll get it.

(Alan returns from the car)

ALAN: Here it is!

SAMANTHA: Oh, it’s tiny. I’ve never seen a notary seal so small.

ALAN: It might be small, but I know how to use it!

CHARLIE: (rolling his eyes)

JAKE: Check out my seal. I made it myself.

ALAN: How did you figure out how to make it?

JAKE: Easy, I just got some plastic housing for the outside and pit in a customized rubber seal on the inside. It says, “In Training.” I call it my intercontinental notary seal.

CHARLIE: Hey buddy, watch it with that. It’s leaking ink!

JAKE: I know, that’s why I call it an intercontinental notary seal.

ALAN: I think you mean “incontinent.”

JAKE: Same difference

CHARLIE: Well, keep it away from the carpets. The last thing I need is permanent black ink in my Persian rugs. That will cost a fortune to remove it if’s even possible.

JAKE: Not to worry, my ink is invisible ink.

ALAN: Now, there’s an idea.

BERTA: I once had something notarized in invisible ink. It didn’t hold up too well in court until I got the judge that special light, so he could read the ink. If it weren’t for that light, I’d still be in jail.

ALAN: So, Charlie, just out of curiosity. What do you do if your notary seal runs out of ink.

CHARLIE: I can guarantee that’s not going to happen if Monica’s around.

JAKE: I might have the problem if I can’t figure out how to stop that leak. The book I learned about seals from… well. I skipped the chapter on leaks.

(meanwhile two beach girls come to the house)

GIRLS: We heard you were notaries.

ALAN: Speak no further. What do you need done?

GIRLS: We need this waterproof document notarized?

CHARLIE: Are your ID’s waterproof too?

GIRL #1: Oh, I have my ID… right…. here…

(Jake’s eyes are bulging out staring intently directly at where Girl #1’s ID is coming out from)

JAKE: Can I touch it?

GIRL #1: You creep!

CHARLIE: Not you, the ID… He’s a notary in training you know.

GIRL #1: Oh… Okay. Here it is.

JAKE: (caresses the ID with a broad smile on his face, puts it to his chest, and to the side of his head.)

GIRL #2: Is this part of notary procedure?

ALAN: For Jake it is. He studied from a different book than we studied from.

CHARLIE: I think I’ll handle this case. Please sign my journal right here.

GIRL #1: Okay

(30 minutes later)

JAKE: He guess what uncle Charlie

CHARLIE: Dare I ask?

JAKE: Remember those girls who came over.

CHARLIE: Yes.

JAKE: Well, I notarized her. Not her document… her!

CHARLIE: No you didn’t! I’m going to my game. He’s about to do a touchdown.

JAKE: No really. Look out the window. (Girl #1 has her back to the house and is looking at a passing boat)

CHARLIE: I don’t see a notary seal on her.

JAKE: (pointing the ultra-violet invisible ink light at the girl) Look again!

CHARLIE: Oh!!! (shaking his head) Got it…

JAKE: One more thing

CHARLIE: Tell me?

JAKE: Ummm, you don’t need to tell Alan about this.

BERTA: I won’t tell him a thing! Mum’s the word!

.

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Introducing the 2019 Notaries!

Filed under: Andy Cowan — admin @ 7:30 am

Introducing the 2019 Notaries!

Trade in your old worn out notaries, everybody. They’re so last year. The new models are arriving with more exciting options than ever!

Forget driving customers crazy by misinterpreting notary law or explaining options to them versus choosing. The new 2019s are… SELF-driving customers crazy!

The new models don’t give the signer the choice between an oath and an affirmation. They always choose affirmation, to automatically not offend the politically correct.

The new models can notarize in reverse, which is handy if you have a reverse mortgage.

The old models were slow in accelerating but very good at braking. The new models go from zero to sixty signings in 2.3 seconds.
With the 2019s, you can enjoy the luxury of leaving drinks on a table during a signing without leaving those telltale rings that could annoy your client. The new models include cupholders for those drinks!

The old models needed witnesses to observe the execution of a document. All the new models need is Siri.

The 2019s have more horsepower of attorney.

The 2019 notaries automatically brake when the signer slows down.

The 2019s no longer just affix seals to documents. They beam them there.

And fake signature alerts are standard on all ‘19s.

If you want your documents automatically signed, sealed and delivered… you’ll have to wait for the ‘20s!

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