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November 19, 2019

Your notary did what?

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 5:50 am

Tales of the outrageous.

MARY: My notary was so bad, he parked on my lawn and goofed on the notarization for the Deed of Trust as well as the borrower copy Deed of Trust.

SHARON: Girl, I can’t believe he did that.

MARY: Do you have a story too?

SHARON: I asked the Notary to do something exciting during the Notarization. He asked me what I had in mind. I said, “Do something fun with that seal, or something that I will remember long after the fact.” He said he couldn’t think of anything. Then he asked me to do something exciting, so I got on the table and danced. Then, he carelessly got his carry all bag tangled in my weave and all of my hair came right off.

MARY: And what did you say?

SHARON: I said, “Oh no you didn’t.”

MARY: You were clothed while you were dancing, right?

SHARON: Of course I was. What kind of a girl do you think I am?

MARY: Temporarily bald.

SHARON: Don’t go there.

VERONICA: I had an experience with a Notary.

MARY: I like the way you are talking about it. The way you phrase it it sounds like he did more than just notarize.

VERONICA: Oh, he tried. I had to practically chase him out of the house with a broom.

SHARON: Yeah I heard about that guy. The girls at the salon call him “The Notarizer.” Every girl he gets with he says he “notarized.” Wish I could have been there.

VERONICA: Excuse you me?

MARY: Hey, some people like getting notarized. To each their own.

ALICE: I hired a Notary to come to the house. When he left, he left with half my oxy-codene.

MARY: Looks like you’re going to have to go back to Mexico sooner than you anticipated.

ALICE: You’re telling me, and those border guards don’t play either!

NANCY: I hired a Notary once. He asked me — if I could be any notary item, what would I be?

MARY: Knowing you, probably a loose certificate.

NANCY: Well at least my certificate got filled out unlike some of the other people in this room.

ALICE: Damn!!!! So, were you a loose certificate?

NANCY: No, actually I wasn’t. I told him I would be a document date — tomorrow at 3pm. The Notary was fine!

ALICE: That’s a date and time, but it works. And by the way, not many Notaries are fine other than Jeremy, and that’s only if you can put up with his jokes.

NANCY: Who?

MARY: Never mind. I think that pretty much wraps up our session. It was fun.

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Notary arrested for stealing spices from borrowers
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Common mistakes notaries make with the 1003 and other documents
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4553

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November 15, 2019

10 ways to die as a Notary — choose one!

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 5:46 am

Being a Notary isn’t always safe. Here are some dangers that you might fact.

1. Being physically abused by a borrower who doesn’t like their APR

2. Being carjacked on the way to a signing

3. Getting in a deadly accident on your way home from a signing.

4. Having your dual tray laser printer explode sending a tray (not sure which one though) flying into your head.

5. Gaining weight because you spend too much time sitting and driving and then dying from cardiovascular issues

6. Dying from touching poisoned ink that you put in your stamp.

7. Having a heart attack because you forgot your journal at home during a signing.

8. Dying of anger because you didn’t like Jeremy’s phone quiz.

9. Dying of love sickness because you realize you can’t date that borrower because she is unethical and wanted to backdate.

10. Dying in jail because you backdated and got caught.

11. Dying of romance because you wanted to date a borrower and they suggested going out on a “back date” and you died in the time machine trying to go back in time 24 hours without getting stuck there.

12. Bleeding to death due to a paper cut from a Jurat or Acknowledgment.

13. Doing a fatal Oath that kills you. “So you solemnly swear that… oh… I’m dying…”

You might also like:

10 ways female notaries can protect themselves
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10 things notaries can do to screw up a notarization
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November 10, 2019

The 2019 Democratic Notary Debates!

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 5:24 am

MODERATOR: Welcome to the first 2020 Democratic Notary Debate – a “perfect vision” of the future. On tonight’s stage are the top five candidates with the highest polls. We have former Vice President Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, Kamala Harris, and Pete Buttigieg debating with each other tonight. The first opening statement starts with Joe Biden.

JOE BIDEN: Well I want to thank our proud Notary Public for holding this debate. You know, I was talking to my good buddy Barrack the other day. Obama. The last great president, my good friend.

BERNIE SANDERS: Enough already, we know you know the guy.

JOE BIDEN: Everybody is angry these days. When I started out as a Notary we weren’t enemies. The only times we swore was when we were under Oath. I want to bring back that type of civility so we can get signings done.

BERNIE SANDERS: It is unfair that people should have to pay to be notarized. My idea of a stamping device is one that stamps out the millionaires and billionaires from breaking the backs of the 99% who deserve free notary signings. Additionally, I believe it should be free to become a Notary, and free training to know how to become a Notary, and while you’re at it — free chicken soup for everybody.

JOE BIDEN: I could use some of that soup, because you’re making me sick right now.

ELIZABETH WARREN: I’ve got a plan for that. We don’t need free chicken soup in this country. We need to impeach the chicken who’s in The White House who made up a bone spur excuse for getting out of serving his country. At the very least, the excuse could be notarized.

KAMALA HARRIS: When I was a prosecutor, I was putting away crooks left and right. The point being, I know a crook when I see one. This president is the opposite of a credible witness. There is nothing credible about any line that comes out of his mouth. I also believe that bad Notaries who don’t follow proper procedure should be prosecuted. The Notary Profession is a legal support profession, and letting it run haywire is not acceptable.

PETE BUTTIGIEG: As the youngest candidate here, I see a vision for the 2050’s when I’ll as old as the current occupant of The White House.

JOE BIDEN: Stop with the ageism you young whipper snapper.

BERNIE SANDERS: Joe, I hate to tell you, but the fact you used the word whipper snapper makes you sound older, older than me!

PETE BUTTIGIEG: I believe that Notaries should be allowed, or even required to use a rainbow colored Notary seal.

BERNIE SANDERS: Rainbow Shmainbow — when it comes to colors, believe me, I’m color blind. Did you hear that Kamala?

KAMALA HARRIS: You may be color blind, but I’m not color deaf — and yes I did hear that.

JOE BIDEN: Bernie, it sounds to me from that last remark that you are pandering to the black vote. I don’t think my half of my good buddy Barrack Obama would appreciate that — the black half.

BERNIE SANDERS: Well which half is black?

JOE BIDEN: His paternal lineage. His father is Kenyan, remember? Well of course, by being Barrack’s former vice president, I’m very well aware of that.

BERNIE SANDERS: Now, who’s pandering.

PETE BUTTIGIEG: Well, I’m the youngest one here and even I don’t have the energy for this.

ELIZABETH WARREN: I’ve got a plan for that. We’ll get a notarized copy of your birth certificate to see if you even are old enough to run for president.

BERNIE SANDERS: Vital records cannot be notarized, so you might have a problem with that. But, if they could I would make it free!

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October 12, 2019

Millennial male Notaries resent Jeremy’s advice to “man-up”

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:25 pm

Yes, it is a problem with millennials nationwide. They are a generation in which the males don’t want to have manly attributes and the females antagonize males for being toxic when it is really females who are more actively toxic with all of their anti-male feminist bantor.

Feminism is really masculinism in disguise — an ideology that women are inferior, and the only way to compensate is to be as similar (or better) to men as possible. Traditionalism is where females have dignity doing their feminine duties such as procreation, managing the family, social networks, cooking, extended family, etc.

JEREMY: Men, it’s time to “man-up” and be more assertive in your business.

JAIME: Like, why is that so important. Can’t we just be ourselves?

JEREMY: How old are we now, three?

JAIME: More like 26. And I’m a snowflake by the way.

JEREMY: How did I guess. You are more like a snowflake without the snow, but I digress. You need to call or contact 200 signing companies so that you know that you exist.

JAIME: Oh, that is like sexual harassment. Yeah, I heard that if you talk to a girl on your own initiative, you could end up in jail.

JEREMY: What? I think if you make unwanted sexual remarks repeatedly you might have a problem. If you are just being friendly, people can make all the false accusations they want, but there is no evidence of wrongdoing. Do you want to work or not?

JAIME: Like, can’t there be some app that will do this for me so that I don’t have to act assertionly or whatever you said?

JEREMY: Do you want $40 per jobs on a snappy app which is our competitor, or $100 with a little education, promotion and a few legit reviews. And that is “assertively”, not assertionly by the way. You should probably read more with a dictionary to master English.

JAIME: Well, I self-identify as a successful Notary.

JEREMY: How many jobs have you completed to date?

JAIME: None yet. You’re hurting my inner child.

JEREMY: Is your entire generation like this? I don’t see a future in America. You guys don’t even breed.

JAIME: Well that might be difficult as breeding is sexist.

JEREMY: I think we are completely lost here. Without both genders doing what God designed them to do, there won’t be any future human race, you know that right?

JAIME: I see no proof that God exists.

JEREMY: Humans didn’t evolve out of a vacuum and neither did our souls. There is a spiritual component behind our evolution. Never mind. We are getting nowhere here. I’m not going to say “man-up” anymore, because it is pointless. Have fun paying rent with your attitude. Oh, let me guess, rent is also sexist — I’m sure you’ll find a rationalization how it is.

JAIME: No, rent is mean. Because what if someone is having a hard time finding work and a mean landlord makes that person pay rent. Boo hoo hoo.

JEREMY: At this point, I will thank my parents for kicking me out of the house when I was 18 except for summer vacations from school. I learned to survive in the real world. It took me ten years to figure out how to be self-sufficient, but I did it. And I thought I was a block head. Brother!

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Millennials notaries and gender rules
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22535

A Millennial self-identifies as being a notary public
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October 11, 2019

Misogynistic Notary

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:25 pm

There once was a mean Notary who hated women. He wanted all women out of the Notary profession, not because they weren’t biologically suited to the job — but, because he loathed them so.

He constantly wrote letters to the Secretary of State urging them to make life harder for female Notary applicants, but with no luck. The vast majority of Notaries are women and this bothered Frank, our sexist friend. Don’t you love people like Frank? How refreshing.

Every time he went to a husband and wife signing, he ignored the wife and spoke only to the husband. Some of the traditional Saudi signers appreciated that, but the others thought he was mean.. and sexist. The feminists bothered him regularly, but he regarded that as an opportunity to antagonize them back for all the years of abuse he had taken. He was a menace to society.

Finally it all ended when his back hurt. He had to go to someone who specialized in body work who hated women — yes, a misogyny therapist. The specialist started with a foot massage and then legs, arms and back.

And then after that massage, our friend Frank felt relaxed. He walked outside and his eyes met with Martha’s as she was passing by. They fell in love, and then Frank no longer hated women. From that day further… he hated Notaries instead.

Sorry, reads like a bad junior high creative writing assignment gone wrong. I just thought it would be a fun topic to write about.

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The notary apologizing game
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Some folks feel more relaxed with a female stranger in their house
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October 10, 2019

Stand up routine at a signing

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:23 pm

It started out being just a normal signing. But, the Notary was no ordinary Notary.

NOTARY: Hi, my name is Charles and I will be your signing agent this evening. If you have any questions during the signing process, please feel free to address those to me.

BORROWER: Sounds like a deal, Charles. We’ll conduct the signing in the dining room.

NOTARY: Great.

BORROWER: Would you like to sit down?

NOTARY: Oh, you see, my style of signings is more of a stand up signing.

BORROWER: Oh, yeah, I read in your reviews that you are a stand up guy. Now, I think I know what they meant.

NOTARY: Good one. I didn’t know my reviews said that. I thought it said that I showed up on time;

BORROWER: That was only for one signing, the one where you set your clocks back an hour in November. No wonder you were on time for the first time in your life.

NOTARY: That was low, but it works. Anyway. Let’s begin with the Deed of Trust. We need to initial each page.

BORROWER: Have you done this before, or do you consider this to be improv?

NOTARY: I did my routine once, but on a reverse mortgage, so I have to turn my jokes around for this type of signing.

BORROWER: Do you need to go back into the driveway and turn your car around too?

NOTARY: Not until the signing is over.

BORROWER: Good one! Okay, look. This is my initial initial.

NOTARY: Hey, not fair, you are funnier than me. Oh look, your APR is 6.2% — what a joke!

BORROWER: Uh oh, I could have you reported for kibbitzing on my loan. No commentary aloud — allowed.

NOTARY: Did you just make a word play? You are right, I have no place commenting on your loan, especially not satirically.

BORROWER: I didn’t shop around for this.

NOTARY: It’s okay. The 30 years you are paying 6.2% instead of 6.1% will probably only cost you $40,000 and I’m sure the ten hours you saved by not shopping around is worth more than $40,000, right?

BORROWER: Grumble. You are so fired, but thanks.

NOTARY : On the other hand, rates just went up, so you probably lost your lock, and the financial institution you borrowed from is one of the best and gives competitive rates, so you did okay. I just said what I said in jest.

BORROWER: Hey, you just made a word play with the just and the jest. Was that a soliloquy?

NOTARY: No, you are just being silly-oquy. Now, let’s look at the HUD or the Closing Disclosure. Hmm, it says the Notary fee is $300. Guess how much of that I get?

BORROWER: Umm, the whole thing?

NOTARY: You missed your calling in life — you should have been a comedian. No, I get $60 which covers my gas, printing, other auto expenses, and a happy meal.

BORROWER: Reminds me of the time I went on a rick-shaw ride in India. The guy wanted 70 rupees and I offered him 60. He said, “Hey buddy, the price if imported whiskey is not going down — 70, no discounts.”

NOTARY: How comforting. That reminds me of the Arabian signer I had who told me all about his harem. He had four Saudi girls, two African girls, but wanted a blonde. So, he went to all types of trouble to coerce a blonde to live with him in his palace. He finally got a girl named Christina to be part of his harem. He said, “Once I had a blonde blue eyed lady as part of my harem — Christina. She always used to talk back to me… I found it so (pause) refreshing. After three months I had to send her back to the states. I will never forget my little Christina.”

BORROWER: You know how it is for people in third world countries. I think there is an expression about white girls (or guys) — Once you’ve had vanilla, you’ll love like a chinchilla, sipping sarsparilla, on a beach on the coast of Manila.

NOTARY: That must be a come back to — once you’ve had black, ain’t no turning back.

BORROWER: Something like that, although yours is more imaginative especially with the chinchilla. Do they have chinchillas in the Philippines?

NOTARY: Not sure, I think they are cute little creatures who live in the Andes. Okay, now to the Right to Rescind. Forgive me father, for I have rescinded.

BORROWER: Oh, that’s an old one. I’ve heard that many times from all of the past Notaries I’ve met.

NOTARY: I know, sounds like something they would say on late night television on Craig Ferguson’s show. Okay, you can cancel by email, fax, or in writing.

BORROWER: I don’t have a fax.

NOTARY: Well then better make sure you really want this loan!

BORROWER: I think I want it. But, I do have email.

NOTARY: Better print out the email and the send date so you have proof that you sent it. You know how these banks are.

BORROWER: Okay, I signed here. Are you going to acknowledge my signature.

NOTARY: No, you are.

BORROWER: So, let me get this straight. I acknowledge my own signature, and then you are the one who gets paid.

NOTARY: As I said before — you’re in the wrong profession.

BORROWER: I’m beginning to think you are right.

NOTARY: Now, on to the signature affidavit. You have to swear that you signed it.

BORROWER: Okay, (raising his right hand) I swear.

NOTARY: But, you haven’t signed it yet.

BORROWER: Oh yeah.

NOTARY: Thank God you’re not a Notary, missing a signature like that — otherwise you’d really be in the wrong profession! That’s not only careless what you did, but illegal — 5 years.

BORROWER: Five years for a little joke?

NOTARY: That was under Oath with a public official — me.

BORROWER: Good God, I’ll stick to jokes about the APR from now on. Did you hear about the APR that wanted to go onto the next stage in life? He became a BPR.

NOTARY: Bad one. Boo. I got one. How do you define the APR to a non-borrowing spouse?

BORROWER: You mention it deducts many of the fees and closing costs before doing the calculation? That’s not funny.

NOTARY: It is with your loan. Have you seen the appraisal fee — that’s insane!

BORROWER: You’re fired… again. Except I can’t fire you because you have something on me — that damn Oath I took. My pre-signature Oath.

NOTARY: Those pre-signature Oaths will get you every time. I call them pre-sigs. Happens all the time. Borrowers will swear to anything, they think it’s cool.

BORROWER: Now to do the Jurat. You need to watch me sign in your presence for one of these according to what I read in Jeremy’s course. Are you watching? I’m signing now, keep looking…. I saw you look away… Keep looking.

NOTARY: Are you even watching what you are signing, or are you just watching me?

BORROWER: Oh, you are … what a scribble. I signed that? I should have been paying attention.

NOTARY: Correction, you should have been witnessing your own signature instead of trying to witness me witnessing your signature.

BORROWER: Once again, I’m in the wrong profession, but thank God I’m not a Notary.

NOTARY: Exactly. Jokes aside — yes! Okay.. got one. What did the Notary say to the borrower?

BORROWER: Umm. Sign here?

NOTARY: No, he said, “Sign exactly as your name appears on title.”

BORROWER: That sounds about right, but isn’t funny. What if the borrower is irate about their APR?

NOTARY: That’s more along the lines of where you get to the punch line. Or getting thrown down a flight of stairs.

BORROWER: Ouch. Did that really happen?

NOTARY: It’s all documented in Jeremy’s blog — real story, and that’s no joke. Now let’s look at the 1003.

BORROWER: Page three says, “This page intentionally left blank.” sounds like a Seinfeld situation. It’s more like a joke than a real loan document.

NOTARY: That’s the irony. It looks like a joke, but it actually isn’t a joke.

BORROWER: That’s kind of like most of your jokes in reverse. They sound like jokes, but they aren’t funny.

NOTARY: You laughed, so they are funny, at least to you.

BORROWER: You got me on that one just like my Lender got me on the APR.

NOTARY: Now it is time to do journal thumbprints. I need three thumbprints, one here, one here, and one here — one for each entry.

BORROWER: Here you go.

NOTARY: So, how would you rate the signing overall — jokes aside?

BORROWER: I would give it three thumbs, but not three thumbs up. Three thumbs horizontally.

NOTARY: Not sure if that constitutes an official rating, but it will have to do.

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Index of best comedy posts from 2015
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September 8, 2019

The Notary Pride Parade in West Hollywood

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:01 pm

We are having a Gay pride parade or event in West Hollywood. Lots of people were practically naked and the clubs were booked. You cannot drive through that area without huge traffic problems. A waiter asked if I was going and I said, “Hell no!” I don’t want to be molested. Gay people in this area tend to reach out and touch someone. Why can’t hot women be the same way? If we only lived in an ideal world.

But, I think that Notaries should have a Notary pride parade. Except the Notaries should not get naked please. Maybe if you are 20 years old and hot, but not the over 50 crowd please.

There could be a Notary float with a huge notary seal on it — inflatable.
Another float could have signatures hanging on it and off it.
A third float could have an embosser.
Other floats could have documents or certificates.

Notaries could dress up as notary seals or documents or signatures. It would be like Halloween — notary style.

Good God this sounds scary. I think I like it though. I just hope none of the signatures in the parade are false otherwise it would be a falsified parade. What do you guys think?

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A bar only for cool notaries
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22546

A Notary sees a UFO
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September 1, 2019

How to effectively pick up Notaries

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:55 pm

Are you trying to pick me up?
Well I’m not putting you down!

If you want to date Notaries, you need to ask yourself a few pointed questions. First of all, why? Notaries are one of the most downtrodden professions in the world. Mostly they whine about not getting paid, yet do nothing to ensure that they do. Based on the fact that out of 7000 Notaries on 123notary, only about 100 or so have attained and kept our certification it seems that few have much knowledge or are concerned with proving their knowledge yet most make unsubstantiated claims to knowledge. Sounds very phony. Additionally, mobile Notaries have a tiring life on the road getting jerked around from job to job, having jobs cancelled and sometimes not getting paid. So, once again, why would you want to date a Notary.

ME: (back in the old days) Sign here please.

GIRL: Oh, I’m so excited to meet you. Do Notaries get paid well?

ME: Oh, about $3000 to $8000 per month on a good or bad month.

GIRL: Cool…

That girl was so excited to meet me that she scared me off, and besides, she wasn’t my type. But, she was the only girl who wanted to date a Notary, at least, during my shift.

The next order of business is: where would you meet Notaries. You can meet Notaries at the NNA convention, but they might not live in your area. You can also meet Notaries by having them come to your house to notarize something. You can call all the Notaries in town and chat them up to see who is up to your standards. You could also go to the Notary bar where Notaries hang out. The county clerk is yet another place where you can meet Notaries doing their Oath. Just wait until they say, “I do” to support the constitution of the USA and then say, “Hey baby, wanna date?” Sounds cheap, but it works.

If you have an age range you normally date, keep that in mind, because most Notaries are 50-80, so if you want to date younger people you might be out of luck. Younger Notaries might work in a bank or insurance company, so don’t give up, just avoid the mobile notaries if you focus on younger Notaries. But, if you do want to date a younger Notary, people might say, “So, you like younger Notaries…” with a smirk on their face.

So, now you have some ideas on how to date a Notary. The next issue is where to take your Notary on your date. Do you go to Cafe Le Jurat, do you get certified angus beef burgers, or an embossed giant oreo cookie? That choice is yours.

One lady tried to pick up a Notary walking down the street near the Secretary of State’s office, but she couldn’t get the Notary to acknowledge her (sorry, bad pun.) He just walked right by her. Then she chased him and swore at him. He said that you swear under Oath and not with profanity.

So there you have it — a complete guide to picking up and dating Notaries. Let me know if you have any questions.

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Notary Pick Up Lines
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August 30, 2019

The notary apologizing game

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:54 pm

A Notary notarized a couple in Venice, CA. The husband was signing an Affidavit and the wife was signing a Power of Attorney. The Power of Attorney notarization required a thumbprint by law, but the wife (who was a politically correct person) mistook this for sexism.

WIFE: Ah-ha! You want a thumbprint from me, but don’t require it from my husband because he is a man!

NOTARY: With that attitude it is a wonder that you can even attract or keep a man. You regard yourself as our enemy!

WIFE: I resent that. I am on the enemy of sexist, misogynist, guys who are the enemies of womankind.

NOTARY: You mean guys who don’t let you walk all over them?

WIFE: Exactly… Hey No. You tricked me into saying that. In any case. I demand an apology for being a sexist Notary.

HUSBAND: According to the state of California…

WIFE: Stay out of this.

HUSBAND: (shrugs shoulders) okay.

NOTARY: Typical beta-male. You just love those submissive males who are just so happy to have a woman they’ll say anything.

WIFE: That’s the way men should be. They should know who the superior gender is.

NOTARY: Ah-ha! I demand an apology. You just said something sexist towards male Notaries. Okay, it was not notary-specific, but towards males.

HUSBAND: He kind of has a point.

WIFE: Stay out of this — once again…

NOTARY: Okay husband who doesn’t wear the pants in the family….

HUSBAND: Ouch… you kind of have a point here though.

NOTARY: Do you solemnly swear or affirm that the contents of this document are true and correct?

HUSBAND: I demand an apology. You asked me to swear when I don’t believe in swearing.

NOTARY: Oh boy, another one of those.

WIFE: He’s just kidding. He doesn’t stand for any ideology except for cow-towing to my every request which is exactly how it should be.

NOTARY: Well it looks like we live in an ideal world, so how come you are so angry now that you have everything your way?

WIFE: Everything? You call this everything? I still didn’t get my apology.

NOTARY: I apologize for not explaining notary law to you before the signing. Everything I am doing is consistent with Notary law.

WIFE: Well then notary law is sexist and part of the patriarchy since it involves swearing to God.

NOTARY: That is an issue for the secretary of state’s office.

HUSBAND: Do you know any good men’s rights organizations?

NOTARY: After today I will definitely Google a few. And if I don’t find any, then I will owe you an apology.

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Affirmations – pleasing the politically correct while offending the traditionalists
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19606

A New category in the notary census
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August 26, 2019

Don’t misspell business names

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:51 pm

Imagine that you are careless and misspell business names.

123notary could become our competitor Notary123.

NNA could become the NRA.

Complete Closers could become Complete Losers. Imagine!

So be careful when you write about Notary companies — or else!

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