Notarized Archives - Page 3 of 3 - Notary Blog - Signing Tips, Marketing Tips, General Notary Advice -

Notary Blog – Signing Tips, Marketing Tips, General Notary Advice – Control Panel

January 21, 2011

Big Bang Theory: Notarizing a discovery about string theory

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: , — admin @ 11:06 am

RAJ: We have to get our latest discovery notarized.

SHELDON: How can you notarize a discovery?

LEONARD: Well, perhaps we should patent it at least. To be on the safe side.

RAJ: Yeah, there are people out there who steal inventions all the time.

SHELDON: Our’s hasn’t even been thoroughly tested. And it is so complicated that even we don’t understand it. So, how is a patent thief supposed to understand it?

RAJ: I was so paranoid I didn’t think that part over. But, our “lost electron syndrome” discovery is so critical, maybe to be safe.

PENNY: Oh, I’m sure your electron will show up somewhere. They always do.

SHELDON: Penny, I don’t know if you realize how important our discovery is. We’ve been reading for decades about how Newtonian Physics has been questioned, and how matter can really be created and destroyed. However, very few physicists have actually seen actual matter disappear, especially under the circumstances that we did. We added emotion to our physics experiment. We played happy music and started dancing around the room all joyfully. And an electron disappeared. I counted them — I know.

PENNY: You counted electrons? I should try that!

RAJ: Yeah, I think she should. It’s a good idea. I do that sometimes when I’m bored, or want to practice my powers of observation. I’m calling the Notary… (ring ring)

NOTARY: Arnie’s Notary, Arnie speaking, may I help you?

RAJ: Hello Arnie. You see, we have this discovery we need notarized. How do we exactly get this done?

NOTARY: You need a statement and an ID. The statement is up to you. It must be written up, and include the name of the signer in it if you require an Acknowledged signature. Or you can do a sworn Oath with a Jurat statement. It’s up to you.

RAJ: Either way. I’ll type one up now.

(10 minutes later)

RAJ: Hello Mr. Arnie. Yes, I typed up the document about the discovery. I would like us all to sign it, so I included all of our three names in the text of the document and also in the signature area. And, yes, we all have ID’s, although we seem to be missing an electron.

NOTARY: Oh, no wonder. The funniest thing happened to me yesterday. After a busy day of notarizing, I was watching TV, and you’d never believe what happened?

RAJ: So tell me?

NOTARY: An electron just showed up out of nowhere.

RAJ: Nowhere? An electron. Hold on. Let me get Sheldon. He says he was watching TV and an electron appeared out of nowhere.

SHELDON: Well, do you think it was our electron?

RAJ: How can you tell one electron from another?

NOTARY: Well, I asked the electron for identication just like I do with everyone else. But, it just whizzed around. To me they all look the same.

LEON: Fascinating. That might be our electron.

RAJ: Maybe we should put up a flyer in the halls saying, “Lost electron. Reward if found.”

NOTARY: Before you do that, I’ll be down at your lab to notarize your statement. $30 travel fee and $10 per signature. Cash only! Pay the travel fee up front just in case your ID’s are missing just like your marble.. I mean your electrons.

SHELDON: Oh, one more thing. We’ll have to put you in a bio-hazard suit before entering the lab.

NOTARY: My fee schedule specifically mentions that I charge $5 extra for each time I put on a bio-hazard outfit, but removal is at no cost as a courtesy to the client.


PENNY: Oh, this is so exciting. Can I put on a bio-hazard suit too?

LEON: I don’t think they come in matching colors.

PENNY: Then never mind.


You might also like:

Big Bang Theory: Feeling in control Notarizing

The Middle: Sue calls a Notary about an Occupancy Affidavit


January 13, 2011

Notary Public Cures Lying!

Being economical with our finances is challenging. Being “economical” with the truth is a snap. That’s because fudging a bit is a byproduct of being all too human. But notary publics shine a light on the signed, sealed and delivered un-stretched truth. Imagine if we navigated the half-truths of life with the added assurance a notary would provide? Imagine no more.

· “It’s not you. It’s me.”

Okay… Before we break up and I draw at least some comfort from the fact I had the misfortune of choosing a partner who wasn’t good enough for me instead of vice versa, would you be willing to sign “It’s not you, it’s me” in front of Jeremy, my truth detector?

“Okay, it is you. Where do I sign?”

Oh well. Thanks for lying. Till a couple seconds ago, that is.

· “We’ll keep your résumé on file.”

And I’ll keep my notarized statement in which you promise to keep my résumé on file… on file.

“We’ll keep your résumé in the nearest circular file till the janitor heaves it. That you can notarize.”

Wow. I’ve been canned before, but never garbage canned.

“Your résumé didn’t mention you’d been canned before.”

You actually read my résumé? I’m honored!

“As I was folding it into a paper airplane, I couldn’t help but notice.”

· Billy “likes” this on Facebook.

And Jeremy at likes the fact you like this, once you let him notarize your thumb up.

“Billy likes avoiding work by killing time on Facebook. That you can notarize.”

Thanks, unfriend.

· “You look great.”

You didn’t tell me that sixty years ago when I was twenty. Why should a bunch of liver spots change things? I won’t believe you till makes it official.

“Don’t forget. When you were twenty, my eyesight was still good. That you can notarize.”

Okay. At least you’ll be able to feel the seal.

· “You’re a wonderful cook.”

Thanks. My dog you’re secretly passing the chicken to under the table seems to agree. Would you mind letting seal the deal and paper on which you praise my culinary skills?

“I was talking about the time you cooked up the whopper about how you can cook. That you can notarize.”

Well, you’ll have to come again sometime. I’m talking to the dog.

· “I’ll call you sometime.”

Yes, you will. If I can have Jeremy at notarize your promise to do just that.

“ ‘I’ll call you a name sometime.’ That you can notarize.”

I’ll be sure to return the call.

· “What a great audience.”

Thanks. After Jeremy from notarizes the cue card off of which you read that, I’ll believe you.

“No problem. Come on up, Jeremy.”

Jeremy affixes his official seal to the cue card. The card is so thick, the seal can’t make it all the way through, rendering the audience less than certifiably great. They start booing, further validating why Jeremy’s seal made less than an impression.

Thanks, you’ve been great readers. Jeremy… can you confirm that?

Andy Cowan is an award-winning writer, producer and performer, whose credits include “Cheers,” “Seinfeld” and “3rd Rock From the Sun.” He can be reached through his website,

You might also like:

A Tough Act to Follow

A Seinfeld Episode about a Notary


Honey, I notarized the kids (don’t try this at home)

We were expecting a notary
It was about nine o’clock. We were expecting a notary at the house to do a refinance. My wife Molly had been away all week. It was an investment property and Molly did not need to be here to sign. The kids would just not go to sleep…

“Why can’t we watch TV anymore?” Joey whined.

“Because someone is coming. Someone from the bank is coming to see us…”

“Who? Do I have to be good? Do I have to stay in my room?”

Joey started chasing Milly around the house… “Joey! Milly! STOP THAT– stop running or the notary monster will notarize you!”

“What’s ‘notarize’? Who does that? What is it?” Milly squeaked.

“The notary has this big clamp. He puts it on the paper we are signing… and if you are not good, he will clamp you with it, too. And it will hurt!”

Joey jumped up and tried to touch the lamp hanging from the ceiling. At that moment, the bulb popped…

“That’s IT!!! You’re done!!!” I yelled. Just then the doorbell rang.

The Notary arrives
I opened the door. It was Mr. Eugene the notary. He was about 5′ tall, with black hair streaked with gray…and he had dark inky circles around his eyes. He carried a notary bag and walked with a limp toward the table. “I’m Mr. Eugene,” he pointed out.

“Eugene– great to meet you. We are going to whip through these documents…but we might also want to notarize these kids,” I winked. But let’s do the signing first.”

We did whip through the documents. He was a thorough notary, and seemed very intent on every detail. When we were done, I asked, “May I see you in my office here?” I led the way…

Would you wear this mask?
I shut the door so we would have a moment away from the kids. “I sort of threatened the kids; they’re really being bad this week… Would you help me ? I made this stamp out of this cardboard…and this costume…I’m going to–would you wear this mask? It will look really scary…”

“I really shouldn’t do this… ” he looked blank.

I decided then and there to be the notary monster myself.
I had cut up an inkpad (I had one from my clerical days) and made a cardboard stamp that read “notarized.” The stamp was 6″ across and looked scary…especially when I inked it up with black ink. I put on the two-headed black monster mask, adjusted it, put on the cloak, grabbed the seal… Mr. Eugene followed me out of the room. He looked worried.

“Where are you kids?” I bellowed in a strange, foreign, angry voice. The stamp said notarized backwards turned like a mirror image…

“No! NO!” yelled the kids, running away from me…” I caught them just as they were headed into the garage… and stamped each of them on their foreheads…then all over their arms and legs…

Just then the phone rang…
Just then the phone rang. It was my wife, Molly. “Honey, I notarized the kids.”

“What do you mean?” she asked. I heard the door slam. It was Mr. Eugene.

“I’ll explain later… I can explain… Don’t call the police.”

(1) Kid: “Do I have to be good?” Mom: “Stop running or that Notary monster will notarize you!”
(2) The stamp said “notarized” backwards turned like a mirror image. The kids were terrified.
(3) I decided then and there to be the notary monster myself.
(4) The notary has this big clamp, and if you’re not good, he’ll clamp you with it, and it will hurt!
(5) I cut up an ink pad and made a cardboard box that read “notarized” backwards like a mirror image.
(6) Frank: “Honey, I notarized the kids.”
Molly: “What do you mean?”
Frank: “I’ll explain later, don’t call the police!”


Friends: Phoebe’s boyfriend won’t take No-tary for an answer

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Sit-Coms — Tags: , , — admin @ 6:37 am

Phoebe has a guy who won’t take no for an answer… She’s trying to break up with him, but he always thinks she’s kidding.

Phoebe: It’s like nobody takes anything I say seriously. I could say the world is ending, locusts are swarming everywhere, hot lava is gushing and…

Joey laughs.

Phoebe: What’s so funny?

Joey: The way you said ‘gushing.’ Really comical.

Rachel: (to Phoebe) Honey, people take things you say seriously.

Pheobe: Then why won’t Leon believe me when I tell him I’m dumping him?

Monica: What did you tell him?

Pheobe: I’m dumping you.

Joey laughs again.

Joey: Funny!

Monica: Maybe you should write him a Dear John letter.

Ross: Better yet. You should WRITE him a notarized Dear John letter. Then he’ll know you mean business and it’s official.

Pheobe: A notarized Dear John letter! I like it.

Chandler: If it’s notarized, and it’s official, wouldn’t it be a Dear Leon letter?

Ross: What good is a Dear Leon letter? If she’s calling Leon “dear,” he’ll never get the hint.

Pheobe: Let’s call

Notary: Do you have the document ready?

Pheobe: You mean we have to write a document?

Notary laughs.

Pheobe: Why did you just laugh?

Notary laughs again.

Pheobe: I’m hanging up now. (then) Who wants to help me write this thing?

Joey: Okay, I’ve got the beginning. “Dear John.” Whew! I’m spent.

Rachel: “Dear Leon: It’s just not working out between us. I wish you all the best. Pheobe.”

Chandler: No, don’t wish him all the best. Wish him none of the best. Better yet. Wish him all of the worst.

Monica: Chandler, you don’t want to be mean.

Chandler: It’ll have a seal on it. It’s like the notary’s being mean.

Pheobe: How’s this? ‘Dear Leon. Stop bothering me. Now. Forever more. In the next life, if there is one. And in the next life after that if there is one.”

Joey: What about the next life after that?

Pheobe: We’ll see.


Notary: I’m gonna need some I.D.

Pheobe: (re: driver’s license picture) Oh, don’t look at that.

Notary: I need to look at that.

Pheobe: But I look horrible in that picture. Can’t you look at this?

Notary: The tattoo of you on your thigh doesn’t constitute an official I.D.

Pheobe: (handing over driver’s license) Okay. But don’t laugh.

Notary laughs.

Pheobe: I told you not to laugh!

Notary: I’m not laughing at the picture. I’m laughing at the way you said ‘I told you not to laugh!’

Pheobe signs the journal. Leon gets the official boot. And Pheobe gets her freedom. At least until the life after the next life after the next life.


You might also like:

Cheers: Frazier & Dianne get a notarized love letter

Compilation of Notary Sit-Com episodes!

Shark Tank — 123notary wants to sell 10% of its shares!


January 11, 2011

The Pile of Poo Divorce

The lady calls with a common request. She has some divorce documents that need to be notarized. I ask the usual screening questions. Who is signing? What ID do they have? How many signatures need to be notarized? Mobile notaries with a few years of experience become quite good at sensing trouble ahead. This assignment felt wrong. The lady was evasive with my initial questioning, changing her answers several times. It was a judgment call for me to make as to granting her an appointment. Her plea as to the urgency “it has to be submitted to the court tomorrow morning”; caused me to agree to meet with her. But, with a large amount of “doubt”, my meeting would be a location near to me. She agreed, we would meet in an hour.

She had spoken of needing two signatures notarized. Somehow, that became eight signatures. Four for her and four for the other party to the divorce. It’s a common misunderstanding, the number to be notarized vs the number of people being notarized. However, having been in this situation many times I was sure that she understood when we spoke on the phone. Going from two to eight is not the end of the world. And, she had readily agreed to meet at a place of my convenience. So, I asked to see what needed the eight notarizations. Unlike many of my meetings, this was to be cash, due to little travel being required. First thing, even prior to showing me a single document she wanted to pay. That really caused my “trouble ahead” bells to ring. Declining the offered cash, I requested, again, to see the documents.

As she pulled out the papers I noticed large amounts of “white out” on the papers; all of them. Signatures had been changed, dates changed, even the Venue entries. There were so many layers of the stuff I thought the papers would crack if folded, even slightly. I looked at the signatures on the “sworn to and subscribed” sections. Her signature, inexplicably, varied from document to document, only one signature was similar to the signature on her passport. The signature of the male was consistent with the “photocopy” of his ID, and that was to also be notarized!

I don’t know if it’s legal to notarize documents with gobs of “white out”. I do know how to properly redact an improper entry. But, IMHO, these docs were dead. She stressed that all of the entries had to be notarized, and there was no access to her husband. She related that I could proceed to notarize her husband’s signature by matching it to the photocopy of his passport. Clearly, this was going nowhere. It was time to halt the proceedings and inform her of what the proper notary procedures entailed. She could care less, after my explanations. She kept repeating that I was “creating a problem for her” and that it had to be completed now.

I understand that you have a problem. However, I too have a problem. My problem is that your documents have signatures without the affiant present to verify and oath. Finally, she did understand I was unwilling to proceed. Then another shocker! “I have been told there is a nearby that will just stamp these documents for a fee”, “do you know where they are?” Lady, the notarization of your husband’s signature without his presence is illegal. You are asking me to assist you in finding someone who is willing to commit a crime. First, I know of no such person or place. Second, I strongly advise you to abandon this course of action. It’s also illegal to ask someone else to commit a crime. You now know that notarizing your husband’s signature without his presence is illegal. You should proceed only using legal methods.


You might also like:

Excerpts from great notes sections


January 6, 2011

Alice in Notary Wonderland

Once upon a time there was a little girl named Alice C Butterfield. Little Alice loved to wander around her rich Aunt’s palacial estate. But, she had a habit of sticking her nose where it didn’t belong. Alice would always criticize people for doing the wrong thing. Her aunt didn’t signal a turn once. Alice could not keep her mouth shut and pointed it out. Her uncle Fred inflated a deduction on his taxes which Alice pointed out. How could a nine year old girl know so much about taxes. I guess curiousity knows no bounds.

Alice was sitting near the river with her sister reading a dull book with no pictures. Then, she noticed a rabbit wearing a top coat. She follows the rabbit down a hole, and then falls a very long way down. When she hits bottom she is in a room with many locked doors. But, there is a small bottle on the table with a small note saying, “drink me.” She drinks the contents of the bottle and then shrinks to a very small size.

Then, she saw a small document sitting on the table that she didn’t notice before that says, “notarize me.” Next to the document, there was a small stamp as well. Since Alice was a bookworm, she was well acquainted with the responsibilities of a Notary Public. She knew that a signer would have to appear before her that would produce identification. But, around there, the signer might be an animal wearing human clothing. So, Alice waited and waited, hoping for her signer to come by. After what seemed like a very long time there was a knock on the door. But, which door. There were dozens of doors, each one a different size. There were doors on the ceiling, doors on the floors, walls, and everywhere you looked. There were even doors within doors within doors. Then she heard a voice. “Over here!”

Alice opened a little door and a little mouse with a walking stick appeared. “I’ve been trying to get notarized for years, but can never find a Notary my size. Then, I heard that someone shrunk you and that you could do the job. Can you Notarize me?” Alice replied, “But, I’m not commissioned in the United Kingdom.” Then the mouse explained that in their jurisdiction, any human could execute Notary functions providing they checked ID. So, Alice checked the mouse’s ID and it read, Edgar J Mouse. Alice Notarized him. Then Alice asked, “How will you pay me for my services?” The mouse replied, “Here, I brought you some cheese I stole from a mousetrap.”

Alice ate the cheese. And then she started growing and growing and growing until her head hit the ceiling. “Curiouser and curiouser”, exclaimed Alice. Then, Alice swam down a river of her own tears. She was so sad that she shrank and then grew and didn’t know where she was. So, she swam until she found that little mouse giving a lecture on William the Conqueror.

Alice met a caterpillar who said, “Explain yourself.” Alice said that she couldn’t explain herself because she wasn’t herself. Then the caterpillar said, “Well, what self does your ID say you are? Alice replied, “Alice Butterfield, but I’m really Alice C Butterfield.” Then the caterpillar said, “If you were really Alice C Butterfield, then your ID would reflect that name. It’s time to make a visit to the DMV not isn’t it?”

Alice wandered on until she saw a Cheshire cat that directed her to March Hare’s house. Alice continued on her aimless journey until she became the guest at a mad tea party along with the Hare.

MARCH HARE: Notarize this signature

ALICE: But, this is a blank document with you signature. It wasn’t very civil of you to ask me to notarize something that doesn’t even exist!

MARCH HARE: Well, it wasn’t very civil of you to invite yourself to our tea party at our table.

ALICE: I didn’t know it was your table.

MARCH HARE: Do you say what you mean?

ALICE: Well, I mean what I say.

MARCH HARE: Well then notarize my signature for today’s date. Does your watch have the date?

ALICE: Well no.

MARCH HARE: How about the year?

ALICE: Well the year doesn’t change too quickly so it doesn’t need to tell the year.

MARCH HARE: I think the year just changed. There it goes again. Notarize me for 1899.

ALICE: Why 1899?

MARCH HARE: Why not? Every year is the same around here. Why should it make a difference. That’s why we don’t hurry. Time doesn’t matter.

ALICE: But, time does matter. You have to beat time.

MARCH HARE: Time might not take to kindly if you beat it, but hurry up before it turns 1901. I want to be notarized this century.

ALICE: How can the year change multiple times within the time-frame of one afternoon?

Then Alice found a tree with a door in it. She went through the door and into a long hall. She ended up at a palace run by a very angry queen.

QUEEN: Who are you?

ALICE: I am Alice.

QUEEN: What I mean is what does it say on your commission?

ALICE: Alice C Butterfield, but my ID only says Alice Butterfield.

QUEEN: Nonsense! And when is our commission expiration date?

ALICE: 1897, but now it is 1901.

QUEEN: Actually it was 1901 a few hours ago, now it is 1905. It will continue being 1905 until sunset and then tomorrow morning it will be 1896 which will give you a few days to complete any necessary notarizations.

ALICE: But, I thought time always moved forwards.

QUEEN: Why should it. Do you always move forwards?

ALICE: Hmm, I never thought about it like that.

QUEEN: Well I don’t like your middle name. Off with your middle initial.

KING: But, she is just a child.

QUEEN: I hate C’s. They are so mediocre. And off with their heads — of the gardeners. They fowled up my rose bush. It took years to grow it and then it shrank. Hmm. Perhaps because time moved backwards. Here is my signature. Study it intently, and then notarize it.

CAT: So, how do you like the queen’s signature

ALICE: Well actually, not at all. It’s extremely (noticing that the queen was right behind her) — likely to win.

EXECUTIONER: I can’t cut off a head unless it has a body attached to it.

ALICE: And what if you cut off the wrong head? Shouldn’t you check the ID?

QUEEN: The ID of the head or the ID of the body?

CAT: Is there more than one? (grinning)

ALICE: And what if the ID expired, after all it must be 1910 by now and the DMV has ID’s expire after only four years in England these days.

QUEEN: Yes, but if the ID shows a physical likeness, then it should be okay.

ALICE: To make sure the ID isn’t fake, you could ask them what their date of birth is and then confirm the date with teh ID.

QUEEN: You are a crafty one aren’t you.

ALICE: Besides, beheading someone is so extreme. Why not just cut off part of their name, initial, or a Jr. or Sr. at the end of their name. That will teach them a lesson.

QUEEN: Yes, I rather like that. John W. Smith will have to live the rest of his life being John Smith. I like this. That is much more fun than beheading someone. Off with their initials!

ALICE: But, you shouldn’t remove an initial without a porpoise.

QUEEN: Well we shall have that decided in court.

(in court)

RABBIT: I submit my evidence that the gardner did not submit evidence that he ruined the rose bushes. Someone wrote a statement about the rose bushes, but it wasn’t signed.

ALICE: Yes, if it wasn’t signed, then how will we know who wrote it.

QUEEN: Well, as long as my roses are ruined, what difference does it make?

CHESHIRE CAT: Perhaps we should do a handwriting analysis.

KNAVE: We could go back into time and have him sign it. Time is supposed to roll back tonight.

ALICE: But, there’s no meaning in this.

KING: So, if there is no meaning, then why look for a meaning?

(later that night)

ALICE: If you sign this document, they will know you ruined the rose bushes

GARDENER: Yes, but now that time has rolled back, I can change my statement and then sign it.

ALICE: That is a good idea. And it will be 1897 after midnight, so my commission will be in effect then.

GARDENER: Here is my statement and my signature. Please notarize it.

ALICE: Gladly. But, the stamp I am using is one I used when I was two inches tall.

GARDENER: That’s no problem. I’ll just make my signature extra small to match. Here.

ALICE: I’ll deliver this to the queen in the morning.

QUEEN: Yes, the statement is excellent. He did not ruin my roses, or so he claims. But, that poses a new problem. Who shall I behead?

SISTER: Wake up Alice

ALICE: Oh, I have had such a curious dream. There was this mad queen who went around beheading people and a cat, and a lizard, plus a March Hare. But, none of it was real.

SISTER: What is that in your pocket? It seems to be leaking a black fluid…

You might also like:

Notary Happy Days goes to China

The Towles Booth

« Newer Posts