A customer went to a Notary in Florida.
CUSTOMER: I need to be notarized. Can you notarize me?
FLORIDA NOTARY: Sure I can. I just need a document.
CUSTOMER: Here is the document.
FLORIDA NOTARY: You already signed it. I cannot notarize it.
CUSTOMER: That’s not what the law says. Notaries are required to know their state laws. And anyway, you can verify the signature when I sign your journal.
FLORIDA NOTARY: But my state doesn’t require me to keep a journal.
CUSTOMER: What if I give you a fake ID, steal a million dollars from Fred’s house, and then disappear. You are the one who will be the suspect in court because you have no evidence to defend yourself. You became a Notary to make a few extra bucks and now look what happened.
FLORIDA NOTARY: I don’t think I feel comfortable notarizing you.
CUSTOMER: I don’t think I feel comfortable being notarized BY you.
(one month later)
Mr. FIBBS: My house was compromised and I’m out a million dollars. You were the Notary who notarized the transaction. The FBI is investigating and we need to see your journal.
FLORIDA NOTARY: Oh, I don’t keep a journal because my state doesn’t require me to.
FBI: Mr. Florida Notary, please come with us. You are under arrest for identity fraud conspiracy.
FLORIDA NOTARY: But, I’m not in cahutz with anyone. I just notarized a document.
FBI: Yes, but without the journal and a journal thumbprint, you are covering up incriminating evidence which makes you look very suspicious which is why you are under arrest.
Mr. FIBBS: My life is ruined and all because of that damn Notary and the damn Florida Notary Division which doesn’t require the one thing that would have saved my finances — namely a journal with paw prints. Boo hoo hoo. I’ll be in a mess for at least a year and could end up homeless too.
(two days later after paying bail.)
FLORIDA NOTARY: Oh no, my son needs a new kidney and the only place I can get one is in India. I’ll book our flights today and hope I get back in time for my court appearance as a suspect in an identity fraud ring.
RAHUL: Yes, Ms. Frieda Florida Notary Public. We can have your kidney which you have been on a list for two years come in on Friday. It will be no problem. You will need to show up at that Rajeev Gandhi National Hospital in Bangalore on the 3rd. Will that be okay?
FLORIDA NOTARY: Yes, that will be fine.
TAXI DRIVER: Where are you going?
FLORIDA NOTARY: We are going to the Rajeev Gandhi Hospital in JP Nagar in Bangalore.
TAXI DRIVER: That will be 80 rupees. Meter broken.
(ten minutes later there was a terrible crash.)
FLORIDA NOTARY: Oh no, we’ve been in a deadly car crash since we were dodging that elephant to the right and that ox to the left. My son is dead. And this cab has no seatbelts. You Mr. Taxi Driver are responsible for my son’s death because there are no seatbelts in this vehicle.
TAXI DRIVER: Oh no, you see in India, we are not LEGALLY REQUIRED to have seatbelts. So, you see it is not my fault. Accidents happen, what can you do?
FLORIDA NOTARY: Now my life is ruined because of that damned taxi driver and the damned Indian government for not requiring thumbprints.
(coincidentally, the driver carrying the kidney was in the car that crashed into Florida Notary and was also killed because he too was not wearing a seatbelt, and the kidney went flying out the window and ended up on the back of an elephant.)
TAXI DRIVER: Yes, Mr. pharmacist, I need some holistic remedy to a bug infestation in my house. What do you recommend?
PHARMACIST: There is tea tree oil. It is not expensive and microscopic insects are often killed from it.
(the taxi driver uses the tea tree oil and has a horrible reaction to it that ends him up in the hospital for two days.)
TAXI DRIVER: Hey, that oil you sold me is toxic to humans and you did not warn me.
PHARMACIST: The government of India, and coincidentally America does not regulate this type of products. You buy at your own risk.
(meanwhile Mr. Fibbs and his wife move to India since they lost almost all of their money in the identity theft and get exactly the same taxi driver that the Florida Notary did.)
Mr. FIBBS: Taxi! We are going to the Himalayas to live. We lost almost all our money because of this damn Notary. Can you believe it?”
TAXI DRIVER: Was she about 5’10”, dark hair and really annoying, with a thick Florida accent?
Mr. FIBBS: Yes, that was her. Why. Do you know her?
TAXI DRIVER: Never seen her in my life. No just kidding. She was in our car when a bus came out of nowhere and I had to swerve to the left and there was a terrible accident. This type of thing happens a lot in India. Maybe I’m telling you too much.
Mr. FIBBS: Well that woman deserves to die.
TAXI DRIVER: Funny that you mention that. And by the way, what do you do for a living?
Mr. FIBBS: I give investment advice.
TAXI DRIVER: Oh, I know somebody who needs advice at the pharmacy.
PHARMACIST: Yes, Mr. Fibbs. I am wanting to know, which US stocks are you liking?
Mr. FIBBS: You could pick a good index fund, but my favorite is Cola Cola stock. They have a good business model and solid management. I would put most of my money in that stock if I only bought one stock.
PHARMACIST: You saved my life.
(two weeks later coca-cola stock crashes, Mr. Fibbs and his wife decide it is better to be paupers in America then live in India under any circumstances and our characters all meet again.)
PHARMACIST: Mr. Fibbs. You are back. But, I have lost all my money. Coca-Cola stock crashed. You have given me very bad advice. Very very bad advice. You are a very very bad man.
Mr. FIBBS: First of all, Coca-Cola is a very solid company. But, you can’t buy a stock and sell it on a whim under unfavorable circumstances or you could lose your money with any stock. And second, I am NOT LEGALLY REQUIRED to back my investment advice. It is just an opinion and not an intrinsic truth. I am not a psychic.
PSYCHIC: Did someone call? I can tell you your future. You will be broke and die in misery. 50 rupees please. I need a new turban. This one makes me look fat.
ALL WATCHING: Get lost!!!!
PHARMACIST: You ruined my life. You damned investment advisor and your damn American laws not requiring that you take responsibility for what you tell people.
TAXI DRIVER: Well you almost ended my life with that tea tree oil without a warning.
FLORIDA NOTARY: (who came out of nowhere) well you ended my son’s life because you didn’t bother having seatbelts. It wouldn’t kill you to invest a thousand rupees to save someone’s life.
Mr. FIBBS: Well you ruined my finances by not having a journal. It costs $15 to have a journal and another $16 to get a thumbprinter from the NNA. I know this because I was so upset with you that I decided to become a Notary. But instead of being a shoddy Notary, I decided to become the most thorough Notary in the world besides Jeremy at 123notary.com who by the way is an ex-Notary, but a very thorough ex-Notary.
TAXI DRIVER: I guess we all ruined each others lives. Perhaps it is our karma that we should meet under such unfortunate circumstances.
GURU: I have been observing this entire conversation and situation for the last month and it is in deed very karmically perplexing, complex and yet still deeply interesting. I have only one more thing to say.
TAXI DRIVER: What’s that?
GURU: Tag — you’re it!!!!!
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