JEREMY: Welcome to the first Comedy Central Notary Roast. World class comedians are about to “pay tribute to” our Notary of the hour, Alex!
Welcome an old hand at roasting, and I do mean old, ladies and gentlemen, the mouth that roared, but never bored, Don Rickles.
DON RICKLES: Thank you for that incredible honor. A sign your career is in the dumper – when you’re trashing a notary instead of what you usually do – ignoring one. “Sign”. That’s Alex’s idea of a good time. Dreamt big, huh, Alex? What’s the matter – being a lawn jockey was already taken? But no, without notaries, where would this country be? Beating the Chinese, that’s where we’d be. A lot of help you’ve been, you dumb hocky puck. I kid Alex, but all kidding aside, the next time I need something certified, I’ll be sure to give you a call. Am I allowed to certify that you’re boring, or do I need my seal for that? (BARKING LIKE A SEAL)
JEREMY: Thank you, Don RIckles! That man always makes me laugh. But then again, so does diphtheria. And now, speaking of diseases, please welcome the woman who’s been sanitized for our protection, except when it comes to her mouth… Amy Schumer!
AMY SCHUMER: Thank you! Don, I don’t care how old you are, I’d still do you. Then again, I’d do a banana. So nice to be here honoring Alex. Notaries are so hot! But don’t make me swear to that under penalty of perjury. Then again I &$%!! swear all the time. Alex, show me your seal, and I’ll show you my seal of approval. Oh no, Alex is having a heart attack! I guess the excitement of hearing the first woman in history come on to a notary was too much for him. Oh, never mind. It’s not a heart attack after all. He’s clutching the pen in his pocket protector, not his heart. Alex, let your hair down and leave the work at your office! Your office – that’s your car, right? Oh, it’s his home. Well, at least you can afford a car/home. It’s a rental? Sorry Alex. I’ll stick with the banana.
JEREMY: Thank you, Amy Schumer! You remind me of Times Square on New Year’s Eve… trashy. And now let’s give it up for… Chris Rock!
CHRIS ROCK: I’m not surprised to see that Alex ain’t black. I don’t know too many brothers who are notaries. We’re great at having people sign stuff if it’s graffiti on a honkey’s wall. Whereas Alex here, he’s the real deal. Who was your idol growing up? Mine was Richard Pryor, Johnny Carson, Bill Cosby. Two out of three ain’t bad. Alex’s was the credible witness who provides a way to positively identify a signer who lacks satisfactory identification documents. Alex, you’re livin’ the dream. If you’re lucky, one day, you’ll get to watch paint dry. What do you learn at notary public school anyway? Can you learn how to whup somebody’s ass? If not, what good is it?
JEREMY: Thank you, Chris Rock. And last but not least, let’s welcome him while he isn’t in a car getting coffee… Jerry Seinfeld!
JERRY SEINFELD: Who better than I, Jerry Seinfeld, to close this roast? My show was about nothing. And this man, Alex, is clearly… about nothing. Some parents want their kids to grow up to be doctors… lawyers…entrepreneurs. Alex’s parents wanted him to show him a sign of wanting to grow up to be a doctor… a lawyer… an entrepreneur. And Alex, a man who clearly thinks inside, not outside, of the box, took his parents literally. I’ll show you a sign… Here’s a sign, or signing. There’s a signing. Mom, dad, I want to be a notary public! Of course, his folks said, “Can’t you be a notary private? We’d rather not have the neighbors find out.”
JEREMY: Ladies and gentleman… the notary of the hour… welcome… Alex!
ALEX, THE NOTARY: Wow, this has been unbelievable. Jerry, your signature is the funniest one I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen a lot of funny signatures. Chris, I know plenty of black notaries. Or maybe they’re white guys covered up with ink. Amy, I’m thrilled you were flirting with me. Then again, no one ever has before, so I don’t actually know what flirting looks like. And Don Rickles, you are my hero. I’m a notary, so that’s not saying much. Thanks everybody… SIGNING off!
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Jail Notary Jobs from A to Z
Have you ever done a jail notary?
Have you ever visited a Jail? Would you be afraid to go to one?
In reality, a jail is a very place place to visit. There are guards everywhere, and the bad guys are behind bars. Notaries make a pretty penny notarizing at jails, in fact some make so much it should be criminal to charge that much! You can charge a lot higher travel fee going to a jail because its a lot more trouble than a regular signing, and few notaries are willing to go. There is also more to know. Jail signings are usually the result of physical or online yellow page advertising, not directories that cater to loan signings ( such as ours ).
Who hires you to do a jail signing?
If you are called to do a Jail signing, it is never the inmate who calls you, but their girlfriend, family member, or attorney. The inmates don’t want to blow their (1) phone call calling a notary – and I don’t blame them. You need to arrange a time and meeting point near the jail where you are sure to be able to spot each other – at the same place at the same time. Its easy to get lost at a jail.
Idenfication for jail-birds
When you get the call, ask them if they have identification for the signer, and if they do, then have them read it to you – including the expiration date, before you book an appointment. If they don’t have ID, don’t use the jail bracelet wristband, thats not acceptable by notary standards. You might be able to use credible witnesses if you can get two of them who have ID that is current – if credible witnesses are allowed in your state. If you can’t get identification, you might be able to do a Jurat which doesn’t require identification in most states. However, California now requires ID for Jurats as well. Unfortunately, most documents such as a power of attorney or grant deed are normally done with an acknowlegment, not a jurat. But, you can attach a Jurat form and hope for the best. A recorded document might not be accepted for recording if its not done with the proper wording, but you never know.
Where do you meet your client for a jail signing?
You have to arrange to meet a stranger at the jail at a certain time. Jails are large confusing places, so it might be better to meet at a well marked street corner. If you meet in a jail, you might not know which part of the jail to meet. Waiting room? Hall to the waiting room? Front dest? Out side the bront door? IN the parking lot? Its easy for two people to be at opposite ends of the same facility or get lost. Make sure the person meeting you has a cell phone and make sure you confirm with them, otherwise you might be making a trip for nothing. Jail notaries are not for the elite of society and blowing off a notary would not ruffle the conscience of most of your potential clients for this type of job.
Logistics at the jail.
Once you are actually at the jail, you meet the client, and then fill out forms with the guards to be granted permission to enter. Make sure you know what cell the inmate is in and that they haven’t been moved. Be prepared to wait – jails have a very different sense of time from the way a busy notaries sees time. Follow the instructions for where to go, and then find a guard to bring the inmate to you once you are there. You will have to pass your journal and forms through slits with help of the guard.
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