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April 10, 2013

Grandma’s notary service & Paralysis notary service

Here are some more notary services that you probably wouldn’t want to hire!

Grandma’s notary service
No signing is complete without home made milk and cookies. And I have the experience to get the job done. I’ve been a notary for 60 years. I’ve been a notary since before many of you whippersnappers were even born! I know my community well, as I have been living here since 1924. My family has owned the house here since the early 1800’s you know!

Cleanup notary service
Half of our new jobs start out as repair work. A less experienced notary would originally be hired, they would screw up the paperwork, and I would be called after the fact to clean up the mess. And that is one reason we are called Cleanup notary service. You will know the other reason when you see the kind of obsene profits that we make!

Comfort notary service
We always make the borrowers feel comfortable. But, please make us comfortable too by paying us on time!

Roxanne’s Naughty or nice notary service
If you have been nice, you will get a present this Christmas. But, if you have been naughty, then call us!

Paralysis notary service
Specializing in hospital signings. We are very familiar with the Signature by X procedure with signing or subscribing witnesses. We use this procedure almost daily — or so it seems. We can also notarize the signatures of dead drunks. Call us for late night bar notarization services. We will notarize what is left of your signature and give you a ride home too!

ARM & LEG Notary
Specializing in Adjustable Rate Mortgages. Give us an ARM, and we will charge you and arm and a leg. How much of an arm and leg? An adjustable arm and an adjustable leg! Just call Armen Kachaturian or email us at armen@arm&legnotary.com.

The Notary Nazi
When you call me, don’t tell me your life story — I don’t want to hear it. You must communicate with me exactly as follows:
(1) Tell me your name
(2) Tell me the name of the document you need notarized
(3) Tell me what type of notarization you required. Don’t ask me to make recommendations. I don’t give consultations — Notariations ONLY! — NO EXCEPTIONS!
(4) Tell me what time you need my service
Signings are $40 travel fee and $10 per signature — No Exceptions
Any failure to abide by my clearly laid out instructions will result in suspension of notary services.
No Notarizations For You — 2 months! You are banned from using my service!

I got in this business because Elaine from Seinfeld divulged my soup recipes to everyone. These soup recipes have been in my family for generations. How could she! So, after that I refused to make soup for anyone ever again. I used to be known as The Soup Nazi. Now, I am The Notary Nazi.

Want a notarization — follow the rules — or else NO NOTARIZATION FOR YOU.

Excon Notarizations
Have your notary work done by an ex-con! And my prices are rock bottom, so it will be very exconomical! But, don’t try to fool me, you can’t fool a con! I know all the tricks. I can spot a fake ID from a mile away too. Excon Notarizations — put a little shadiness into your signings!

Shelly’s Bad Notary Service
Why should you hire us if we are bad? We are not bad. We are the notary service you call if YOU have been bad. Shelly’s Bad Notary Service — so good… it’s bad!

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