January 2011 - Page 2 of 19 - Notary Blog - Signing Tips, Marketing Tips, General Notary Advice - 123notary.com
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January 29, 2011

Notary Reviews vs. Movie Reviews

Filed under: Humorous Posts — Tags: , , , — admin @ 8:03 pm

Notary reviews vs. Movie reviews

Imagine what the world would be like if Notaries got reviews similar to movie reviews. The world would be a much more interesting place for one! But, would it get too zany?

(1) This notary gets two thumbs up!
(2) The notarization was good, but the popcorn needed more butter (sorry for the corny joke)
(3) It was a very awkward notarization because the person behind me had their feet on the back of my chair.
(4) Some reviews spoil the movie — read the spoiler alert.
(5) I didn’t like the ending to the signing. Too predictable.
(6) The guy in front of me wouldn’t take off his hat throughout the entire signing
(7) There was a lot of character development the minute we got to explaining the APR.
(8) The Notary gave an award winning performance.
(9) The actor who played the Notary was such a natural it would be an easy mistake to take him for a real Notary!
(10) The notary had to go back to his trailer so that “make up” could do some touch ups on his seal, because his seal was beginning to smudge.
(11) I hate it when people talk during the signing, especially during the critical parts.
(12) I wanted to bring a date to the signing, but I was the only one on the Deed of Trust.
(13) The notary dimmed the lights as I was reading the details on my Settlement Statement. Luckily I brought a flashlight!
(14) The suspense hit its apex when the Notary couldn’t reach the Lender by cell phone. I never expected that!

Coming attractions:
Refinance 2,
Debt Reduction Retainers — the sequel.
The Notary Games.

Tweets:
(1) This notary gets two thumbs up!
(2) It was a very awkward notarization because the person behind me had their feet on the back of my chair.
(3) Notary Reviews vs. Movie Reviews: I didn’t like the end of the signing — to predictable.
(4) I wanted to bring a date to the signing, but I was the only one on the Deed of Trust.

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Attorney States in the Notary Profession

Filed under: Technical & Legal — Tags: — admin @ 11:57 am

What is an Attorney State? Is that a state where everyone who resides there is an Attorney? What would they do all day long besides wake up, have breakfast and sue everyone? Or does it mean for an Attorney to state a fact about something? Neither.

An Attorney State is a state in the USA where only Attorneys are supposed to be able to do loan signings. Anyone else who facilitates a loan signing could be convicted of the unauthorized practice of law — or so I’ve heard. However, in these states which currently are Massachusetts, South Carolina, and Georgia (possibly a few others too) we do have Notaries who do loan signings for a living. They often do signings for out of state properties and think that they can get away with it.

One Attorney in Georgia that I talked to told me that if your two feet are on the ground on Georgia soil (or perhaps a hardwood floor) that you cannot conduct loan signings unless you are an Attorney — regardless of where the property is. Hmmm. Looks like people are breaking the law.

One Notary listed on our site got fined $40,000 over ten years ago or almost got fined that amount. They had to hire an Attorney to defend them in court. What an ordeal. And this was for unauthorized practice of law because they were doing loan signings.

If in doubt, consult an Attorney to see what your rights are as a notary to do loan signing in your state and ask what constitutes UPL as the definitions are frequently very arbitrary and convoluted.

You might also like:

UPL — Unauthorized practice of law in the notary profession
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=21317

Penalties for Notary misconduct, fraud and failure of duty
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=21315

13 ways to get sued as a Notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19614

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How my piano lessons changed my life

Filed under: General Stories — admin @ 10:10 am

As a child, I studied regular things in school, as well as piano, and cello. Looking back, I got a better education in High School than in college simply because I was with good teachers all day long. At college, I had teachers that didn’t really teach much. They lectured, but did not make sure we understood what was being taught. Looking back on High School, I benefited from Debate Class, AP Biology, Typing and Sex Ed. I actually learned a lot in those classes and used the learning in real life while I never used Physics, advanced math or history though.

My parents were serious musicians. My mother was a concert pianist and my father was an accomplished amateur cellist. There was music in the house my entire childhood, and I probably remember a lot of it from when I was a fetus. I played in five orchestras during High School, and did a lot of music with cello playing. But, the one educational endeavor that seemed to have changed my life was my piano lessons and not the other classes. I think I should let my piano teacher know.

My piano lessons were taken from age eight to sixteen. I quit then because I had too much going on in my life and couldn’t take it any more. My piano teacher was strict and mean. There were no ends to her demands and she was never happy. She nitpicked everything I did — to death. It was very painful because nothing I did was ever right. The demeaning aspect of the lessons was very bad for my self image. However, I learned something very critical which helped me immensely for the rest of my life in all of my serious endeavors.

My piano teacher taught me the art of grueling practicing difficult passages over and over and over with meticulous care. I am a sloppy person, or at least was. I am still sloppy, but a lot less sloppy as a result of that teacher who was the pickiest I have ever had. Can you imagine practicing a passage one thousand times every day paying attention to every subtle detail? The musical aspect was nice, but did not help me. It was the discipline to put up with grueling and repetitive work. So, how did this discipline help specifically during the rest of my life?

During college I studied Chinese. It had been my life ambition to speak different languages. I studied French, Spanish, Japanese, Arabic, and Chinese. But, Chinese was my true love. The problem is that it is hard as hell, and I studied hard for years. I am still only at the 50% level in Chinese. But, this grueling discipline of practicing passages over and over were how I learned to become fluent in this exotic language and how I learned to write. Without piano lessons I would never have had the discipline to do this.

After college I could not get a good job so I had to be a courier. Once again, fourteen hour days of grueling work. I finally couldn’t take it anymore. Then, I became a teacher. I had to teach others and go through grueling pronunciation lessons teaching Chinese people the art of pronouncing English in a way that Americans could understand. I handled the disciplinary aspects of the work, but my students did not want to be understood — they wanted to speak however they wanted to with complete disregard for correctness. They remind me of Notaries who fail my test who want to do notary work however, and whenever without regard for the correct application of rules and safety precautions!

Finally, I became a Notary and created 123notary originally to market myself. Running 123notary requires tremendous discipline. Each year I put on thousands of free listings and call them to make sure they are still notaries. This takes an extreme amount of endurance doing the data entry day in and day out and tolerating endless phone calls.

Basically in short, without my piano lessons, I do not think I would be able to handle the workload of 123notary.

My only regret is as follows. As an adult, I have learned that Jean Philippe Rameau wrote much better harpsichord music than my hero J.S. Bach, and I regret not having been introduced to Rameau as a child. So, I listen to him on youtube.com.

If you want your children to have a good chance at success, musical education with quality teachers is as important or more important than academics. Please remember that piece of advice forever!

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He stopped advertising with us because he got too much business?

Filed under: Advertising — admin @ 9:47 am

I rarely have situations like this. But, once in a while I call one of the more seasoned Notaries and they don’t want to advertise for various reasons. It takes a long time in this business to get so much business that you don’t need to advertise. Normally those people have been doing this at least fifteen years before they are in that type of situation. Yes folks, it does take a long time to get established as a Notary Public. I only was a signing agent for six years, so I never got fully established.

In any case, when I called this person, he said that he used to be a corporate executive vice president of a corporation. He quit his job to become a Notary Public. He got so much business from our site that he couldn’t advertise any more because he couldn’t handle all of the calls.

However, business dropped so much in the last year, that he wanted to continue advertising and I was able to sell him an upgrade. He still gets lots of work, but from people who don’t pay him enough and he wants to attract some higher paying clients. Don’t we all? In any case, it was nice to get such a serous and fun client back. But, I am amazed that in 2018 he is getting six or more jobs per day, almost every day?

If you want to know a good background for being a successful mobile notary, try being a vice president of a business. That will make you sharp on being business-like. He also gave me the oddest compliment. He liked that I spoke in complete sentences which made me start to wonder…. Do other people use partial sentences? Don’t know. Doesn’t matter. Never thought about that.

In any case, if you want to get too much business, advertise on 123notary. But… make sure you have reviews. Reviews are a magnet on any site to get more positive attention.

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The Middle – Sue calls the notary about an Occupancy Affidavit

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: — admin @ 8:16 am

FRANKIE: We need a Notary for some dumb paper about our house. I can’t believe we need this! What a headache.

MIKE: I don’t even remember what a notary is. I wonder who could fill me in.

BRICK: Hmmm, I could look that up and tell you about it.

SUE: Oh, that’s so exciting. We’re being notarized! I don’t even know what that means, but I’m so excited. What is a Notary?

AXL: Who cares about some dumb notary. It’s probably a loser job for people who couldn’t make it doing a real job.

FRANKIE: Axl! Now, can’t you learn to be respectful about what people do? And by the way, with your grades, you’re not going to end up being anything wonderful until you clean up your act mister.

MIKE: We told him dozens of time. He’ll listen one day. It might be too late by then, but he’ll eventually listen.

BRICK: Hmmm, it says here that a Notary Public is an ancient profession that started in the Roman empire, and was used to protect the integrity of critical documents affecting business, property, other agreements, and more.

SUE: That’s so interesting! We’re going to do something the Romans did! Can I wear a toga when the Notary comes?

FRANKIE: I don’t think that’s a good idea. Although, maybe it depends on who the notary is and if he wants to stay for drinks after the notarization.

BRICK: Let’s see. It also says that in modern America, notaries are used to verify that the person signing a document is the person they claim to be by checking their identification, taking thumbprints for critical documents, and making document signers sign their journal, and also sometimes sign documents in their presence. This is very interesting. I think I’d like to take out a few books from the library on the subject.

MIKE: Now Brick, you already have more than a dozen late books from the library. Do you think you could return those before you get any more books?

BRICK: I could, but I’m not done reading those yet.

AXL: I think he’ll need to get a paper route just to pay for all of the late fines for all of the dumb books he reads.

FRANKIE: Well at least he has a high level of reading comprehension which is more than I can say for you. For your information, Brick has a reading ability six years ahead of his grade level.

AXL: Yeah, but have you ever seen him try to throw a football? To say he throws like a girl would be an compliment!

MIKE: Now, now. You and Brick are just different, and that’s okay — providing you do your homework, and put on a shirt.

AXL: Whatever…

SUE: So, when is the notary coming?

FRANKIE: I haven’t set up the appointment yet. It’s just for one document — the Occupancy Affidavit. It just says that we live in the house.

AXL: And you need an Affidavit for that? How lame!

BRICK: Let me know if I can help in any way. This whole notarization process fascinates me. If I stay up until midnight, I can finish my other books and then get a few books on notarization tomorrow from the library.

SUE: Can I help? I could call the notary and set up the appointment. Is that okay?

FRANKIE: I don’t see why not. Just make sure you confirm all the details with me.

SUE: (ring-ring) Hello? Like, are you a Notary Republic?

NOTARY: Well, uh, I’m a Notary Public. I haven’t declared statehood yet.

SUE: Ohhh… this is so exciting… Oh, sorry. Yes, well, my family needs a particular Real Estate document… a very official Real Estate document notarized. Can you come and help us in your very official capacity with our official document?

NOTARY: I officially can.

SUE: (putting hand on the mouthpiece) Oh, he can! He can! (taking hand off mouthpiece) That’s great. Can you come tomorrow?

NOTARY: Yes, I can… officially that is.

SUE: Great. see you then!

NOTARY: Wait a second. Don’t go yet. My fee is $50 including travel. I need to know the document being signed, who the signers are, your address, and if the signers are of sound mind and body.

SUE: Well, not everybody in this house is of sound mind and body, but the ones signing are! Mom and dad will be the signers and our address is 15 Bloomington Lane, Orson, Indiana. Just go to the cornfield, and turn left. You can’t miss it.

NOTARY: Tell mom and dad to have their current identifications ready for the signing. I’ll be there at 7pm!

SUE: Great! (hangs up) He’s coming! He’s coming! Tomorrow at 7pm. This is so cool. I’m telling all my friends at school.

FRANKIE: Just don’t get too excited if he’s cute, deal?

SUE: Deal, deal deal and a half!

FRANKIE: And you Brick, during the signing, please don’t bury your head in one of your books. Try to be what we like to call, “interactive!”

BRICK: Hmm? What?

FRANKIE: Never mind!

.

You might also like:

Marcy notarizes a felon!
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14514

Marcy becomes a Notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14245

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Two notaries assigned the same job?

Two notaries assigned the same job?
 
There I was, a California notary public in Tustin, CA. I had driven down from Los Angeles to sign a loan for a nice couple in Orange County, California. We were signing away, when lo and behold:  The notary showed up.  He asked, “Who are you?”.  I then proclaimed, “I am the notary”.  Then, he said, “That’s impossible, I’m the notary!”.  “No you’re not!”.  “Yes I am”.  “Am NOT!”. “AM TOO!…”  Okay, let’s be honest, the “am not am too” part never happened.  I’m embelleshing this signing agent dialogue. The couple was just staring in confusion.  The wife was displaying the exact same mannerisms as a cat watching a dangling string.  He head rotated to the left and looked at me, then head rotated to the right and looked at the other notary, then back at me, and back at him…. Hmmm.  What is going on?
 
The Signing company hired two notaries?
How could they! After all of my hard work, they would have the gaul to… Oh… wait a minute, let me call them and straighten the whole thing out. 
 
Ring Ring…..
 
Me – Hello, may I speak to Mary please, this is Jeremy your California notary for the Anderson Signing in Tustin. 
Mary – Hi, this is Mary! 
Me – Hi, Mary, it seems that you hired two notaries for the same job. 
Mary – What? We would never do that
Me – Odd, because as we speak, there is another notary here.  Or, should I say, “A Notarial Triangle”
Mary – Hmmm… Let me call the Title company.
………… ten minutes later
Mary – I found out what happened
Me – Please do tell?
Mary – The title company hired two signing companies to handle this California notary job, and the OTHER signing company sent that OTHER California notary out.
Me – Mmmm.  So, which signing company was SUPPOSED to be responsible for the job.
Mary – We are.  The title company cancelled with the other signing company, but apparantly, they didn’t cancel with the notary.
Me – Oh, no they didn’t!!!
Mary – Oh, yes they did.
Me – This has never happened in my career to date.  And I hope it never happens again. Just make sure that I’m the one who gets paid, although the other one should get a travel fee, don’t you agree?
Mary – Thats between him and the OTHER signing company.
Me – I KNEW there had to be another signing company. I could just tell from the way he was looking at me.
 
So, jokes aside, the other notary left, we finished the signing.  Into the UPS box it went, and off I went on my merry way out of what we affectionally call, “The OC”, and back up the 5 Freeway, or is it the 405 — its been so long I can’t even remember, through Anaheim, Downey, Commerce, and back to Los Angeles where I logged in my transaction and faxed a bill to the signing company.
 
The End!

You might also like:

Getting what is due! A clever plan!
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=3221

One signing – two venues?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17047

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Flipping cars: ride with a quick-thinking WV Notary

Filed under: General Stories — Tags: — admin @ 3:23 am

One successful West Virginia notary public explains, “I do a lot of car title work for guys who flip cars. You know, buy them and then sell them quickly for a profit. I notarize all the documents that need to be done. A lot of people do this part-time to earn extra money. They buy cars from private people or even from auctions. They know about cars, and they know how to repair them. But they don’t know about fraud, ” explains the WV notary. “Through all my dealings with young men in this business, I have learned how dirty the used car market is and how to recognize a fake check or a counterfeit money order. Fraud is also a big business, particularly when people are out of work” she comments.

“One time,” says our bright-eyed West Virginia notary, “this gung-ho young man called me and told me he had just sold a car for $3000. Wanted me to notarize the car title so he could turn the title over to the buyer. In West Virginia, you have to notarize the car title. I met him a few minutes after his call. Anyway, in this situation, the seller had just given the car to the buyer a few minutes before. Oops.”

“This young man named Chris, the seller, showed me three money orders for $1000 each. I questioned that. Why would a buyer give him three separate money orders? I told the seller and suggested he wait before cashing them. He needed a ride home. When I gave him a ride home, we passed a bank. I asked Chris, ‘Let’s just stop for a bit. I know someone at this bank. My friend the manager knows all about counterfeit money and fraud, and has testified as an expert witness,’ I told him.”

“I took the money orders into the bank and showed them to the manager, who happened to be filling in for a teller that day. She touched one of the money orders and said they were fake! ‘Rub this circle, ‘ she said, pointing to a place on the face of the money order. ‘It did not turn white.’ She explained that it did not use the proper ink and chemical process and showed me it was also missing a line and some hidden text next to a watermark. The ‘buyer’ had probably gotten the counterfeit money orders off the Internet, where there is also additional information about the counterfeit money order scam,” explained our West Virginia notary.

“I went back to the car. Then, I called the buyer and told him my husband worked for the sheriff: ‘If you don’t return the car, you’ll have a whole batch of police on your back and worse. Fraud is a federal offense…’ Then I rattled off the penalties, which I happened to remember He got mad and tried to lie, but I told him to hold the BS and told him where to meet us off the Interstate. He was only 5 minutes away. We recovered the car!” smiles our West Virginia notary. “Over the past few years, I have done a lot of notary work for this young man. And– he is going to write me a review–not that I understand how that will help me,” she adds.

Over the past few years, this notary has kept in touch with Chris, who has provided her with a lot of referrals. Her husband the sheriff? That was a bluff; but by standing her ground and using her righteous indignation and knowledge, this notary did a good deed and also upheld the law. Pretty good for a morning’s work!

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January 28, 2011

Tomorrow’s Notary Publics

no·ta·ry public

noun \ˈnō-tə-rē-\
plural notaries public

————————————

The kids who grow up to become doctors or lawyers have it easy. Oh sure, they have to get into med school or law school. They have to avoid getting thrown out of med school or law school. Physicians have to breathe the germs of sick people. Lawyers have to address curmudgeons as “Your honor” if the curmudgeon is wearing a robe. (Unless it’s Hugh Hefner wearing a robe.) But all of this is a cakewalk compared to growing up to become a notary public. You can study pre-law or pre-med. Pre-notary public? Dream on.

Kids who become doctors or lawyers are conditioned to become doctors or lawyers. Their parents and teachers dangle those career carrots from an early age, encouraging any signs of medical or legal predispositions. What are the signs of a budding notary public prodigy?

“Hello, class. I’m your teacher, Ms. Morrison.”

As Ms. Morrison writes her name on the board, all of her students slavishly continue to zone in on their handheld devices, except for one pimply kid she notices “witnessing” her signature.

“Young man, have you ever thought of becoming a notary public? You just might have the right stuff!”

A teacher’s seal of approval one day. A notary public’s seal of approval years later.

Doctors and lawyers have role models: Doogie Howser … Dr. Oz … Dr. Dre … Perry Mason. OJ’s lawyers. (Not the ones who got him off for murder. The ones who got him locked up for sports memorabilia.) Most notaries are forbidden from offering legal advice or preparing legal documents. Remember L.A. Law? Remember L.A. Notary Public? Me neither.

“Tonight, on L.A. Notary Public, Ted affixes a certificate!”

Wait… sounds likes last week’s L.A. Notary Public. What do you expect? He’s a notary public!

Kids want to grow up to become firemen … astronauts … rock stars… glorified karaoke contestants who follow in the footsteps of American Idol, Carrie Underwood, and dodge the footsteps of American idle, Lee DeWyze. Remember Lee? Me neither.

As The Lone Ranger rides again, kids continue to play “cowboys and Indians.” No child on record has been caught playing “notary publics and document holders.”

Presuming notary publics reproduce future generations of notary publics, how can we help ensure their not so livelihoods latch onto enough sex appeal to generate the action required to reproduce future generations? Dim the lights…

“I’m Ryan Seacrest… and this… is American Notary Public!”

Randy Jackson: “Yo, what’s your name?”

Bill Dudley: “Bill Dudley.”

Randy Jackson: “Are you the next American Notary Public?”

Bill Dudley: “Definitely.”

Randy Jackson: “Okay, dawg, do your thing.”

Bill Dudley: “Can I have your autograph?”

Randy hands Bill a piece of paper with his autograph. Bill stamps said piece of paper.

Randy Jackson: “Bill Dudley’s in it to win it!”

*

Andy Cowan is an award-winning writer, producer and performer, whose credits include “Cheers,” “Seinfeld” and “3rd Rock From the Sun.” He can be reached through his website, http://upanddownguys.com

Tweets:
(1) You can study pre-law or pre-med. Pre-notary public? Dream on.
(2) What are the signs of a budding notary public prodigy?
(3) “Young man, have you ever thought of becoming a notary public? You just might have the right stuff!”
(4) Kids play “cowboys and Indians.” No child on record has been caught playing “notary publics and document holders.”

You might also like:

My Date with Jeremy
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4473

Are you a Yes-tary or a No-tary?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16626

You know you’re a notary when
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16038

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Notary Airport

NOTARY: One day there will be a Notary Airport

SAM: When pigs can fly.

NOTARY: Well actually, it will be seals flying. The airplanes will look like giant seals, whiskers and all.

SAM: Maybe they should make a Notary submarine that looks like a seal instead of a flying seal.

NOTARY: The good part is that when Notarizations are done on the plane, the prices will be sky high!

SAM: Yeah, and if you notarize in the air, you can join the Notary mile high club.

NOTARY: Yes, but wait until you find out what the airport layout will look like….

The terminals will be shaped like Notary seals. Each terminal will have a coffee house and bar with a Notary bartender. The newpaper store will sell NNA’s newsletter in addition to the Wall Street Journal. The parking lot will have a special section for Notaries that is closest to where the shuttle picks you up. And when you go to check in your bags, they make you sign the journal and thumbprint. How cool is that?

Scene from aiport security.

OFFICER: Sir, please remove any metal objects from your pockets and step forward slowly.

SAM: Okay… should I take off my belt too?

OFFICER: Just wait for us to put on the saxophone music before you do that please sir.

SAM: Got it.

OFFICER: Our scanner found a metal object in your bag that resembles an embosser?

SAM: Is that a problem, officer?

OFFICER: Well, not necessarily. Is this a registered embosser?

SAM: Does it need to be?

OFFICER: Step to the side sir.

SAM: Uh-oh.

OFFICER: I’m going to need to pat you down. Please stand still.

SAM: Wow, you’re good at that.

OFFICER: I know… I get that a lot. I used to be a Priest for 30 years, a ballet teacher for 3 years, plus I worked in the airport for 4 years.

SAM: Oh, it all adds up now. Now I know why that comes so naturally to you. The embosser was authorized by my state. I have the paperwork at home.

OFFICER: Great. Let me just check your commission number on our computer system… Uh huh. Okay, no unauthorized used on our database. The waiting areas are in front of you or have a drink at the flying embosser. Just don’t use your embosser under the influence of alcohol or heavy medication per airport regulations. If you get bored in the waiting room, you can read Notary Handbooks from all 50 states plus DC.

SAM: I’ll get bored, but not that bored. Thanks.

OFFICER: And may God bless you — if there is a God.

SAM: Some Priest you are/were.

OFFICER: Well, I stopped being a Priest because I stopped believing in God.

SAM: Hmm. Well, I stopped being a Mortgage Broker in 2009 because I lost interest.

OFFICER: Forgive me father for I have rescinded — that was a good one! I’m just kidding, I still believe in God, I quit the church to run for the senate because things at the church got too — political.

SAM: Gotcha!

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Notary Happy Days goes to China
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16536

Signing with a former airline captain
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=12870

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Seinfeld: George’s parents get a vow renewal

Frank & Estelle: George’s parents get a notarized vow renewal.

FRANK: It says here that a Notary can perform a Wedding and that such a Notary licensed to do such an act is referred to as a Wedding Officient.

ESTELLE: Read the fine print where it says that Notary’s can only perform such act in Maine, South Carolina and Florida.

GEORGE: Don’t you guys have a condo you can stay at down in Florida? You could have it done there.

FRANK: We’re not going all the way down to Florida now. We are just getting a vow renewal notarized. Anyone can do that. It is just a glorified Oath.

GEORGE: What’s the point? You’re happily married. You nag each other about everything. What could be better? I would say, if it ain’t broke, why fix it?

ESTELLE: It’s for sentimental reasons. We can get all dressed up in our wedding outfits, appear before a Notary, and state our vows again. How romantic.

GEORGE: (mumbling something) Sounds… great… I guess.

(back in the city)

KRAMER: You’re never going to believe this. I’m getting a second job as a riding instructor! It’s a great way to meet women. I never knew how much women loved horses until I went to this ranch. Gidde up!

GEORGE: Second job? What’s your first job? Since when do you work?

KRAMER: I’m a pastry taster. I’m a trained connoisseur. They call me the sommelier of pastry in the Village.

JERRY: (Rolling his eyes around.) Well, if they pay you… So, George, what’s new with you?

GEORGE: My parents.

JERRY: Oh… (unenthusiastically) What about them?

GEORGE: They’re getting this vow renewal thing done. I don’t really understand what it’s about. I referred them to this guy I know who is a Notary who can do the job.

KRAMER: Oh, that’s wonderful! I’d like to have that done too — if I were married. I’d do it every year!

JERRY: I don’t understand what the big deal is about. But, if they want it, they want it.

(back in the parent’s home)

NOTARY: May I see the document and your ID please?

FRANK: We don’t have a document.

NOTARY: You dragged me all the way out here without a document?

GEORGE: The document dad, you’ve gotta have a document. You told me you would write one up.

ESTELLE: Well, we didn’t think over what we were going to say. We were spending too much time on our outfits. How do we look? Does this dress make me look fat?

GEORGE: No, not a bit mom.

NOTARY: Well, you’ve gotta have a document, or at least some wording that I can perform an Oath on.

FRANK: You mean we invited twelve of our closest friends, spent 98 dollars and 12 cents on hors d’ouvres, and we can’t get notarized without a document?

GEORGE: You gotta have a document. And preferably current identification too.

ESTELLE: I don’t need identification. I don’t drive.

NOTARY: This is going to be a long day. I charge a travel fee plus waiting time you know.

FRANK: And we owe him this too. We — are unprepared!

ESTELLE: I guess your training in the army has worn off.

FRANK: You can say that again!

GEORGE: Well, why don’t we just write a little something up now. Do you have any paper?

FRANK: I have this expensive party napkin your mother forced me to buy at the party store. Each one cost 77 cents if I calculate correctly.

GEORGE: Well, then it will be a very expensive Oath. Better yet, let me call Kramer… (ring ring)

KRAMER: You need a wedding vow renewal Oath? Just look one up on Google. They have tons of them there. Whoa horsy.

GEORGE: You’re talking on the phone while you’re riding?

KRAMER: There’s no law against it. You should just avoid texting while galloping. They have a thing about that over here on the ranch.

GEORGE: You just be careful. And could you bring us over some leftover pastries while you’re at your 1st job?

KRAMER: You got it.

FRANK: This vow you printed out is perfect.

ESTELLE: I’ll start.

Good evening everyone. All of you look terrific. My name is Estelle, and before me is a New York State Notary Public, but not a wedding officiant. We gather here to renew our life-cycle celebrant. It is my honor to be present at this vow renewal. Before we begin, please make sure to turn your phone ringers on full blast, so if someone’s phone rings, we know who to blame. Please rise.

One of the wonderful things about vow renewals is that they also serve as a multi-family reunion. Let us honor the parents in this event… Unfortunately, they couldn’t make it. Let us honor the children in this event.

Now, Groom and Groom, I now ask that we read this excerpt from Plato’s symposium… Groom and Groom? Georgie.. where did you get this script from?

GEORGE: The internet mom. I thought we were in a hurry, so I got the first script I could get my hands on.

FRANK: No problem, just have the Notary read it, and where it says Groom and Groom, change it to Bride and Groom, or Groom and Bridge. Whichever he likes better.

(10 minutes later)

NOTARY: Please raise your right hands — So, do you Frank take Estelle as your renewed Bride, and to honor her and cherish her forever and ever and ever, so long as you shall both live?

FRANK: Even into the afterlife — if there is one.

NOTARY: And do you Estelle, take Frank as your renewed Groom, and will honor, cherish, obey, and love him so long as you both shall life?

ESTELLE: I do, but he is supposed to obey me, and I’m not so sure about all of this afterlife mumbo-jumbo.

NOTARY: I now pronounce you renewed husband and wife. You may kiss the other Groom… I mean the Bride. Boy, this script keeps you on your toes!

ESTELLE: Now, it’s cake time! We had our cake made to look like a Jurat. Guess what piece you are getting Mr. Notary?

NOTARY: Ummm

ESTELLE: You get the Venue!

NOTARY: Oh… It’s wonderful, but I think the county is Queens here not New York.

ESTELLE: Once you’ve had a few shots of rum, you won’t know the difference. Drink up!

.

You might also like:

Seinfeld — George needs a Notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14947

The Seinfeld episode about a Notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=10208

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