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January 11, 2011

Scribbles: A Notary Comedy Club

Improv; or could be like a class; hecklers

HOST: To get a spot at the Notary comedy club you have to sign up to do a spot and have a Notary witness your signature!

JOHNNIE: Well, do you have a witness protection program?

SALLY: Why, did you witness the wrong Will and get into trouble?

JOHNNIE: I was just thinking. What if an evil son of a Billionaire, had an older guy forge the signature of his father at a Will signing, and you were the witness? You might be oblivious to the entire situation until the rest of the family comes after you. Then, you’ll need a witness protection program.

SALLY: Oh, so you’re not joking. I thought this was a comedy club!

HECKLER: That’s not funny, you should be entered into the witless protection program.

HOST: Welcome to Scribbles, how’s everyone doing? I can attest to the fact that you are going to have a great time tonight, but don’t make me swear under Oath by it. At Scribbles, you won’t see us kill a joke, but we will execute a document! This next performer has won approval in Notary comedy clubs across the country.

SALLY: Hi, my name is Sally. I am proud to say that I come pre-approved, but they claim that they still need to run my credit. And I pre-disapprove of that. I strongly believe in the concept of joke recycling. You know, my seal doesn’t have an expiration date, it just says, “better if used by Feb 17th, 2014.”

HECKLER: Hey I heard that before!

SALLY: Yes, that is because I recycled that joke. I think it’s such a shame to let a perfectly good joke end up in the trash when you could recycle or reuse it. That makes such a difference for the environment, at least in comedic circles. There’s just one thing. How come nobody recycles my jokes?

HECKLER: Because your jokes aren’t funny!

JAKE: Hi, I’m Jake. I’m also a Notarial comic. Hey you in the front.

GUY IN FRONT: Who me?

JAKE: Yeah you! Is that an Affidavit in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

GUY IN FRONT: It must be an Affidavit because I’m not happy to see you!

JAKE: Hey, I’m not exactly doing cartwheels looking at your ugly face either, buddy! Speaking of barely credible witnesses, I had a signing company tell me that they would be paying me on Tuesday the 29th. Unfortunately, when I looked at my calendar this year, there is no February 29th.

This a great crowd! So, has anyone done any good Oaths recently?

GUY IN FRONT: Funny you should mention that.

HECKLER: That’s the first time he was funny all night!

GUY IN FRONT: I have a lot of Vietnamese clients. You know if you have a guy name Tan, you can say Tan the man. But, I recently had a client named Tran the Dan/Ann who was swearing that he was a man.

HECKLER: Well, I bet Tran was happy to see you.

HOST: It’s time for our next Notary who will think he’s not getting any respect unless you fulfill your 2 drink minimum.

RODNEY: You know, I think you should change that to a two Jurat minimum. A Jurat sounds a lot more credible than a drink, plus you can’t spill it no matter how hard you try. I just went to a Notary comedy club where they don’t charge a fixed fee at the door, but they charge by the laugh. $2 per laugh with a five laugh minimum. Putting laugh minimums aside, I just did a Notary act that didn’t get me any respect. No respect at all! An 80 year old woman asked me to do a Deed… It was the dirty Deed!

AUDIENCE: Ewwwww!

RODNEY: I just did a loan signing that doesn’t get me any respect. The credible witnesses didn’t look believable, the signer was two hours late, and the hostess didn’t offer me any cool-aid. Then the signer’s kid told me he couldn’t wait until my commission expired. What a family! No respect. No respect at all!

My wife’s idea of a civil action is telling me that I’m only “kind of” ugly!

I had to put my last property into Escrow. It wasn’t until the next day that Title’s in my wife’s name… as she calls herself, my much better half. And all these years I thought she had Subpoena envy.

HOST: Thanks a bunch. You’ve been a great crowd. Next week, make sure to attend our all you can laugh comedy buffet.

.

You might also like:

Notaries in Cuba — the clock stops in this comedy
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16115

Jeremy’s bucket list
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=7035

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January 5, 2011

Welcome to the Notary Zoo!

Welcome to the Notary Zoo!

After visiting the Notary Zoo for the first time, I noticed that things were a little “different” there. There were animals that didn’t exist in real life, and situations that were often opposite of what they normally were.

Before entering the zoo, right before the entrance, you see a huge venue carved into the granite floor. The venue says, “State of California, County of Los Angeles.” I’m glad the zoo helps me remember where I am because at that place, it’s easy to forget. Then, I went to pay my entrance fee. There was a huge sign saying that all customers needed to “personally appear” before the ticket seller with the seal of approval, who won the crowd’s approval after the seal juggled a ball on its nose. I needed to produce positive identification, asked how much it was to visit the zoo, and the clerk said it depended on how many signatures I wanted. I wanted admittance for just myself, which would be one signature at $10 per signature. The lady stamped my ticket and let me in.

As Trump might say, the zoo was “huge.”

There were walkways going every which direction. To the left I saw the Juratffs. I had never seen a Juratff before. I asked what I was supposed to do there, and the guard said that people swear at this animal all day long. So, I said, “I solemnly swear blah blah blah.” But, the juratff ignored me and kept eating leaves. At least he stuck his neck out for me. In the next exhibit down the corridor I saw a giant refrigerator with a sign saying, “How can you fit a juratff in a refrigerator?” Then a baby juratff waltzed in the refrigerator, stuck its neck out the hole in the top, and munched on some low hanging leaves.

Don’t feed the Notaries

Next, there was an area where some Notaries were hanging around. The visitors were led down an underground passage and then up some stairs into a huge cage that had a sign: “Don’t feed the Notaries.” The Notaries just went about their business and ignored the tourists’ constant taunts and whistling. The Notaries sat at desks, walked around, ID’d people and stamped pieces of paper. I didn’t understand the logic of this as they were notarizing other Notaries and not getting paid. Later on I learned that this was some sort of an asylum for people who were convinced that they were Notaries, but never passed the state Notary exam for reasons unknown. They were NOTaries.

The next exhibit had a Notary comedian. Not only was there an applause sign. There was an applause signer.

He started cracking jokes. “How do you define a loose acknowledgment? It’s an acknowledgement that attaches itself to different documents — on the first date before it even knows your first name — at least the first name on your ID.” Then our comedian friend made another joke about pastry. “I just found out that a Mexican wedding cake is exactly the same thing as a Russian tea cake. They are both two inches wide and made from shortbread. I guess one man’s tea is another man’s wedding!”

An exhibit for Notarial owls.
They just sat in the tree all day long saying, “Hoo — is the signer?” Next to the owls was the judge from Noternity court who said, “Who is the signer? Who is the Notary? We’ve examined the DNA evidence and handwriting analysis and you ARE the Notary!”

The aquarium was next on my list.
I went down a dark hallway into a pitch black room, turned a corner, and then I was in the Notary Aquarium. I saw a guy swimming in the tank in a three piece suit with a briefcase. I asked the guard why the sharks don’t eat him. The guard replied, “Professional courtesy — that guy’s an Attorney.” Then I saw another guy wearing a suit who just got his leg bitten off by another shark. Blood was filling the tank. I looked at the guard and he said, “That one’s a Mortgage Broker. He’s the one who asked people to backdate, and didn’t pay his Notaries on time.” It cost him a leg if not an arm. I journeyed into the next room in the aquarium and saw a bizarre looking fish. It looked like a hammerhead, but on closer inspection it was a stampfish. His head looked like a huge rectangular Notary stamp. I said to the guard, “It’s too bad there is no paperfish that the stampfish can stamp.” The guard said, “Where there is one around here, there will be a squid just waiting to donate some of his precious ink so the underwater Notarization could happen.” Then, lo and behold, a paperfish appeared from nowhere. Instead of stamping the paperfish, the stampfish took a bite out of it. I asked the guard what happened. The guard informed me that the stampfish was offended that the paperfish hadn’t been signed and dated — this was his way of voicing his underwater displeasure. Then I saw another stampfish who looked like he was high. The guard explained that he had a constant supply of really good sea-weed, and one or two bites of that will get you very high. On my way out of the aquarium there was a huge underwater building. The sign on the building said underwater county recorder. Inside the building there was a huge line of stamp fish. My only thought at this point is — I hope these stampfish have waterproof journals!

On my way toward the exit I saw some lions swearing under Oath. Lyin’ and swearing to uphold the truth – Isn’t that an oxymoron? Then I saw some sheep being sheepish about their loan signing. But they couldn’t pull their wool over my eyes. There was a huge section where there were boars that specialized in 400 page signings where you read every page. It nearly boared me to death. And finally a bobcat who swore under Oath that he was legally Robert Cat.

Finally, I went to the aviary.
That place is for the birds! I saw some birds signing a health directive so they could fight against avarian cancer. I tried to explain that it is o-varian cancer, but they claimed that there are certain types of cancer that only birds get in their old age. Then, an eagle swooped down to avoid one of the guards who was trying to ID him for the Patriot Act.

In any case. I enjoyed the zoo. It was fun. I was slightly disappointed that I couldn’t get a souvenir of a waterproof journal in the gift shop, but maybe next year.

.

You might also like:

Welcome to the Notary Casino
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15255

Scribbles: A Notary Comedy Club
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15258

Notary Aptitude Test
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15853

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February 16, 2020

2013 compilation of best blog posts

Filed under: Compilations — admin @ 9:53 am

Here are my favorite blog posts from 2013

MARKETING

Companies that will hire NEW signers!
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=7059

We should be setting the fees, not the other way around!
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=3249

From 3 jobs per week to 3 jobs per day
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=3940

$10,000 per month on a bad month
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=3891

10 changes to your notes that double your calls!
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4499

123notary elite certification, what is it all about?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=8531

STORIES

The war between men and women notaries
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=3693

Mistakes notaries make with title companies
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4412

A detailed look at the ninja course
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4621

7 ways to use Facebook to market your notary services
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=5396

Getting what is due, a clever plan
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=3221

Interview with a Title company
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=3724

Notary quotes of the day
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4011

Interview with Title Course
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=6553

Notary Jokes
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=8471

TECHNICAL

Signing Agent best practices 63 points
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4315

How to write a notes section if you have no experience
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4173

Signature name affidavit: Not a substitute for an ID
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=3823

Notary journals from A to Z
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=8348

Notary Seal information from A to Z
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=8337

What tasks can I do worth $1000 per minute?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4113

Identification requirements for being notarized
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4299

Why notaries don’t last
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4087

When is it legal to notarize a document twice
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4305

How to get something notarized that doesn’t have a signature
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4695

How to explain the APR to a non-borrowing spouse?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4455

Why do I have to sign with our middle initial?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4452

What is a notary public?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=6498

Optional information on an Acknowledgment certificate
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4407

Industry standards in the notary business
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4370

How to get something notarized if you don’t have ID
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4692

Notary fines and notary penalties
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=6903

Can you notarize someone’s initials
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=8269

Who are the parties involved in a Power of Attorney?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=6738

Does Real Estate experience help as a notary?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4563

Common mistakes with the 1003, Crossing out the RTC, TIL & APR
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4553

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December 28, 2021

Special memories of my life

Filed under: General Stories — admin @ 8:41 am

Sometimes we get caught up in work and forget to smell the roses. But, I take time off and smell plenty of cactuses and pine trees and ocean breezes depending on where I go. Refreshing the soul and body is so important. But, what are the most memorable moments in my life.

1. My moments talking to my psychic Walter about dreams, managing my business, and spiritual topics mean a lot. I will think about this on my deathbed — assuming that I ever die.

2. Driving through Hungary in 2006 was a bit disorienting, but the scenery kept changing and I felt like I passed through eight national zones while in Hungary. It went from a Gypsy area that felt like Latin America (and the people looked Mexican too), to an area with Central Asian looking architecture to a communist looking area with Russian style buildings. Then it looked more Hungarian, and then I felt like I was in Thailand due to the triangular window casings. Finally, my last stop was near Austria and it looked German. What a bizarre day driving through Hungary. They kept speaking German to me. I guess they thought I was German. How odd.

3. Seeing my spiritual master in San Jose in 1998 was an experience like no other. I stood in line to meet him with twenty others. He patted me on the shoulder as a sort of spiritual blessing. But, I felt high as a kite for half an hour after that. I had some bizarre meditations that night where I felt an out of body experience as well. He was a very powerful guru.

4. Visiting Sedona, AZ in 2001 for the first time was like being in a movie. I kept saying — “I can’t believe we’re here” over and over and over. I was expecting to see the Marlboro man come out from behind a corner at any minute. The red rock scenery was fantastic and so was the buffalo burger and the hiking. Later in that trip we saw Dead Horse Canyon in Utah and we (my housemate and I) were cracking jokes and doing impressions of all the people who might make commentary on this scenic spot mimicking different accents, etc.

5. The other night I had a wonderful dream about my dream girl who I have never met. I was sitting in the back seat of a car, and she sat right down right in my lap. When will I meet this person? I felt so happy having this dream. I have had several dreams about this mystery lady — all in scenic places.

6. Seeing Mrs. Meao on the heater was truly special. She spent a lot of time in my room helping me do my work. I call it emotional support. I would always ask how she was feeling and she would normally stare into space, but sometimes she would tell me in cat language. She died in 2008 but comes several times a month in dreams. When she was dying I made her promise to come to me in dreams regularly, and she has. She keeps reincarnating into different cat bodies, and then dying within several years. I think she has had about five lives since she was our cat where she lived 14 human years — not sure how many cat years that is.

7. After Carmen died, I contacted her spirit a few times. It is hard for me to talk to spirits, but Carmen is up in heaven and is her usual self. Same personality — just without the body. She warned me that we are going to have a huge war involving Iran. I guess that is what they talk about up in heaven. I know it is coming because the Christians and Jews are both predicting this to happen soon. I just hope American doesn’t shut down because of this war. We’ll see.

8. When I was 16 I had my own landscaping business. Nothing fancy. But, I had to drag my lawnmowers all over the neighborhood and sometimes to other neighborhoods which was very time consuming. I pushed it all the way up steep hills. I was very motivated in those days. I saved my money and borrowed $4800 from my date and bought a Toyota pick up truck for $6219. I think that was the exact price. I got a quarter of a million miles out of that truck and did well with my lawn mowing business. I used that truck to give lots of friends rides as well and they were very appreciative. Without that truck it would have been almost impossible to have a social life in subsequent years. The people I knew and women I dated would not have been able to spend time with me had I not had a truck. Thank God for my work ethic.

9. When I was 17, I played a final recital on the cello at the Longy School of Music where I studied music on Saturdays. I practiced a lot. I don’t remember how I did. I played a Bach Suite, a concerto with chamber orchestra and a sonata with piano. It is all a fuzzy memory, but it was a big achievement in my life.

10. I played in two orchestras with my father. These were only ones that met a few times. But, I remember playing the Messiah. We also played the cello part for a Bach harpsichord concerto. My father and I both played the cello. He was better than I was, but I was good enough to play in seven orchestras.

11. In my distant and more early childhood, I remember Quaker Meeting. But, Quakers sit still — they don’t quake at all — maybe they need a new name. It was a nice 1700’s style building in a quaint and comfortable part of Cambridge, MA. I liked going there. I don’t remember what we learned in Sunday school other than that war was bad — but that the Army provided good work opportunities to people. So, which one is it? Is war good or bad? If you join the Army for work, you aren’t going to make paper mache, you are going to go to war dummy! We had Christmas pageants where I sang and played cello. I always remember this song — If you have a penny and you give it away, you’ll end up having more. I really don’t remember many specifics, but it was a nice place to be and our family life was a lot less turbulent when we made a weekly presence at this spiritual venue.

12. Elementary school is a very distant memory. My favorite class was gym with Mr. Arch. They really made it interesting and I did well (even though I was timid) until about age 12. I remember Clyde the bus driver. He was a guy in his early 60’s. I remember Sandy, Scott, Michael & Jay, and others. Michael invited me to their summer home on the beach and I got sucked under water by the undertow. That was scary. But it is a memory — and that is what I am writing about.

13. I think when I was seven, my father took me hiking to Mount Monadnock in New Hampshire. We have many photos of that trip. It is a large mountain with a very rocky top and several routes to the top starting from different sides of the mountain. We would always get Birch Beer on the way there. I don’t think I’ve had it since.

14. We had many Thanksgiving meals with friends and neighbors. One year we invited two guys from MIT who were very cerebral and had nowhere else to go. They liked to play music, so they played sonatas with my mom who was a professional pianist. Another year we met some distant relatives from Jordan — Walid, Nabeel, Faeeda, and Mary. They were very lively, had amazing stories, and were a lot of fun. Sometimes I wonder how they are doing.

15. When I was really little, my mom would drive me to Nanna and Pa’s house in Watertown, MA. They would babysit me and we would watch TV. I don’t remember much. I think I was afraid of the ebony door to the upstairs neighbor’s apartment. It was very ominous looking.

16. Starting 123notary was a memory. I was living like a pauper in Monterey Park, CA. I was working at signings and building my site up. What a lot of hard work, but it paid off and it was my passion! When they say stick to what you love, believe that. Because if you don’t love what you do, you won’t give it your 110% and stick to it year after year. I have many memories of building 123notary — too many to count — some of them traumatizing, some were glorious achievements.

17. More recently…

I meditated in the middle of nowhere in New Mexico and saw red lights in my meditation. It was very deep and meaningful. Then I went to a forest near Santa Fe, NM and saw greenish blue light which was coming from Lord Ganesh. I had never had this experience before. My guru said the red light was coming from a portal to other planets. Wow! It was an extraterrestrial contact, but on a spiritual level — so I didn’t get to meet ET. Maybe next time. On one occasion on the border of AZ and NM in Navajo, NM I felt the vibe of a forcefield that was created by extraterrestrials, but I didn’t see anything. One week before this experience, I had a dream that I saw a UFO hovering behind some tall buildings in Los Angeles. I guess the dream manifested itself, but not in a way that was as much fun as I was expecting.

On a brighter note — I have met many mystical people in New Mexico, especially when I go to native areas. They are such peaceful people. Several people I saw at gas stations who I didn’t even have the pleasure of talking to left a lasting impression on me. I guess they must have been deeply spiritual beings, whomever they were.

18. I’m trying to think of noteworthy things that happened here around Los Angeles, but nothing comes to mind. It is just business as usual and not much good or bad happens around here other than the shut down. Eating on the trunk of my car with my housemate at one of my favorite South Indian restaurants was a shutdown memory. It was like a shutdown style date. Thanking God for lamb chops was another memory during the shutdown. At least I could still eat well even though I was miserable. Going to comedy clubs once in a while and to Moroccan group dinners definitely is memorable, but we do this so infrequently. I think I should have fun more.

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October 20, 2021

What is the favorite thing about my job?

Filed under: Social Media — admin @ 7:49 am

I was doing my work, doing some data entry on 123notary like I do daily. And I kept going through more and more lists and updating data. And then, I accidentally clicked on the wrong button and the page turned to my blog login. I didn’t even remember the password although I almost did. I have it encrypted in an email to myself in a particular file. And FURTHERMORE, I don’t even remember the URL to get to my blog login without having to look it up. It’s one of those long and complicated ones. How did I get to this page? Bizarre.

So, then I logged in and the first thing I did was read through the comments. My post about Carmen Towles got lots of comments. People really miss her — me too. The people liked my articles on Notary chips, notary vaccines. I’m not sure if this was commentary, jokes, or insights.

But, I was shocked because there was only one rude comment in months. Usually we are flooded with rudeness. Not sure what happened there. What happened? Where did all the rude jerks go? Actually my blood pressure will be better off without them and I can’t publish their comments in any case.

So, now I am publishing articles after a long hiatus where I was too busy to post. Glad to be back in the blog scene. But, how did I get to this page? Angels visit me regularly for healing work, so perhaps they wanted me to finally take care of my blog work. That would add up in my case. But, if you said that happened to you — I wouldn’t believe you!!!

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October 18, 2021

Something freaky happened today regarding my blog

Filed under: Social Media — admin @ 7:40 am

I was doing my work, doing some data entry on 123notary like I do daily. And I kept going through more and more lists and updating data. And then, I accidentally clicked on the wrong button and the page turned to my blog login. I didn’t even remember the password although I almost did. I have it encrypted in an email to myself in a particular file. And FURTHERMORE, I don’t even remember the URL to get to my blog login without having to look it up. It’s one of those long and complicated ones. How did I get to this page? Bizarre.

So, then I logged in and the first thing I did was read through the comments. My post about Carmen Towles got lots of comments. People really miss her — me too. The people liked my articles on Notary chips, notary vaccines. I’m not sure if this was commentary, jokes, or insights.

But, I was shocked because there was only one rude comment in months. Usually we are flooded with rudeness. Not sure what happened there. What happened? Where did all the rude jerks go? Actually my blood pressure will be better off without them and I can’t publish their comments in any case.

So, now I am publishing articles after a long hiatus where I was too busy to post. Glad to be back in the blog scene. But, how did I get to this page? Angels visit me regularly for healing work, so perhaps they wanted me to finally take care of my blog work. That would add up in my case. But, if you said that happened to you — I wouldn’t believe you!!!

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July 24, 2021

A response to my Biden post

Filed under: General Stories — admin @ 4:01 am

Many people commanded me to “stop writing about politics.” They really consider themselves to be my personal boss. However, my Biden article about turning mobile notaries into employees or putting them out of work altogether was my most popular article in the last year which proves my point. If people claim they HATE my article, that proves it got at least 3000 clicks while most of the rest of the stuff I wrote seems to get almost completely ignored.

One notary wrote in:
“U-O We have All-Caps-Yelling. I think the way the USA is headed is something to discuss as Notaries Public. Seems the ones who don’t want to discuss this are the ones who don’t want the Truth. It is Not about Politics It’s about a free capitalist society where we can earn a living w/o Gov control. YAY for you Jeremy.”

MY COMMENTS
I spent my entire life not caring much if at all about domestic politics. The only reason I care now, is because the leftists have given themselves permission to butt into my personal life and make it miserable. I was not allowed to go to a restaurant for roughly an entire year, and now I still cannot sit at a bar. If you want to be “safe” then all the most power to you. But, you don’t have the right to tell me where I go and what I can do and then to bash me for talking about politics when I defend my rights.

This is not about politics, it is about basic civil rights which never used to be a political issue. All Americans used to value rights — but, something has changed recently and now Americans are anti-Freedom, anti-democracy, and only like the word democracy when it is used in some twisted way to support some bizarre leftist agenda.

If the politicians would let Notaries do what they like, and let people hire and fire according to their own contracts then I wouldn’t have anything to say about politics in this blog — other than jokes. But, this is no joke. It is real, and in California many have permanently left the state specifically because of this issue. Freelancers moved to Arizona not because they have any love for Arizona, but because they could get freelance work there and continue to make a living.

It is so interesting that the majority of those who comment are violently angry with me for supporting the idea of a free America. Maybe you should all get together and create a 2nd America where nobody has any freedom or ability to make a living — you’ll be very happy there I’m sure — until you come to your senses which might take a very long time.

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July 20, 2021

Is it better to be in a bad hood, or a good hood that has sex offenders?

Filed under: General Stories — admin @ 3:57 am

Somebody wrote a very interesting comment on a blog post a few days ago. She said she would prefer to be in a bad neighborhood than in a good area with sex offenders.

But, I think her comment makes no sense. Sex offenders could be anywhere and tend to be anywhere. The question is, under what circumstance would they do something to you?

If you were on the bus, would they start molesting you? I’ve heard stories. If you are walking down the street, would they start following you or making comments? If you are in a bathroom, would you be safe?

The fact is that I don’t know where sex offenders normally do their offending. I know that date rape is common. I think sex offenders tend to do their magic when they already have you behind closed doors.

So, if you are doing notary work in a good neighborhood, the only thing you have to worry about is the signers being sex offenders, and perhaps getting into an accident.

If you were in a bad neighborhood, you would also have to worry about the signers being sex offenders, getting into an accident, and being killed by the local gangs or crack addicts. I think there is more that can go wrong in a bad area.

SUMMARY
Being in a good neighborhood does not increase the chance of being confronted with a sex offender. On the other hand, it doesn’t decrease that chance either. There is no way to know if you are around sex offenders because they don’t walk around with a sign on them telling the world that they are sex offenders. But, if we lived in an ideal world, perhaps they would — or better yet, there wouldn’t be any sex offenders in an ideal world unless you are a 60 year old woman whose husband ignores you and you dream day and night about encountering a sex offender. It happens, but only in jokes written by Eastern European females.

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May 28, 2021

A clown becomes a signing agent

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 6:34 am

The clown business gets slow because of Covid-19 (which is no joke) and a clown desperate for business joins 123notary. He starts getting jobs right away because his notes section is so unique with comical references and cute jokes. He goes on his first signing.

CLOWN: I’m Larry and I’m here to do your signing.

SIGNER: Oh, wonderful. Please come in Larry. Love the face paint. I think this clowning around Notary service will really take off.

CLOWN: Before we handle the Deed of Trust, I’m going to juggle the borrower copies, the main copies, and this plastic cup. This is way more entertaining than your last signer I bet.

SIGNER: Yeah. I read the reviews. “This guy is a clown!” and “He’s good at juggling appointments.” So far you didn’t botch any signings it looks like.

CLOWN: Yes, but the scheduling is hectic. Last week was like a circus going to all of my appointments. It will get worse if the interest rate becomes negative. They will pay you to borrow money.

SIGNER: Interesting. Hey look, I have my own rubber Notary stamp…. Ooops, it squirted you.

CLOWN: Hey, aren’t I supposed to do that? On the other hand, maybe that’s why you picked me. In any case, my slogan is — when it comes to getting your signing done on time, and correctly the first time — we don’t clown around.

SIGNER: I like that tiny car you have outside. How do you fit in it?

CLOWN: Oh, I fit with ten other family members. We run around the car three times before getting in. Half of my sister hangs out the window, but it’s all good. Okay, now let’s get serious… please disregard my red nose when trying to be serious. Let me clear my throat… Um-hmmm. Now, I’m serious… (honk honk). We’ll begin with the Deed of Trust, and then we have the Note. Make sure the property address is correct otherwise you might be paying for someone else your whole life.

SIGNER: Okay…

(20 minutes later)

SIGNER: We finished the package!

CLOWN: Now, since you have high ceilings, we went over that by phone, I am going to walk around the signing table on stilts…

SIGNER: Well done. BTW, Fedex is around the corner and their open until 11pm even during Covid.

CLOWN: Super. And last, but not least, a signing with me is never complete unless the signer gets a pie in the face!!!

SIGNER: Excuse me….. too late. I’ll write a review with a photo warning your other clients of what to expect from you.

CLOWN: Most of my clients are bored with their life and this is exactly what they need. Besides, you didn’t have dessert yet tonight, right?

SIGNER: And I am behind on doing the laundry, now I have one more reason to get it done and fast, not to mention take a shower.

THE WIFE: Ha ha ha… He deserves that pie. He has no sense of humor about anything. Thanks Mr. Clown Notary. Let me double check your work to make sure you didn’t clown around notarizing documents…. nope… it’s all good. I use to be a Notary myself, but not the type of Notary you are.

CLOWN: Thanks for everything. I’ll drop the package right away.

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October 10, 2019

Stand up routine at a signing

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:23 pm

It started out being just a normal signing. But, the Notary was no ordinary Notary.

NOTARY: Hi, my name is Charles and I will be your signing agent this evening. If you have any questions during the signing process, please feel free to address those to me.

BORROWER: Sounds like a deal, Charles. We’ll conduct the signing in the dining room.

NOTARY: Great.

BORROWER: Would you like to sit down?

NOTARY: Oh, you see, my style of signings is more of a stand up signing.

BORROWER: Oh, yeah, I read in your reviews that you are a stand up guy. Now, I think I know what they meant.

NOTARY: Good one. I didn’t know my reviews said that. I thought it said that I showed up on time;

BORROWER: That was only for one signing, the one where you set your clocks back an hour in November. No wonder you were on time for the first time in your life.

NOTARY: That was low, but it works. Anyway. Let’s begin with the Deed of Trust. We need to initial each page.

BORROWER: Have you done this before, or do you consider this to be improv?

NOTARY: I did my routine once, but on a reverse mortgage, so I have to turn my jokes around for this type of signing.

BORROWER: Do you need to go back into the driveway and turn your car around too?

NOTARY: Not until the signing is over.

BORROWER: Good one! Okay, look. This is my initial initial.

NOTARY: Hey, not fair, you are funnier than me. Oh look, your APR is 6.2% — what a joke!

BORROWER: Uh oh, I could have you reported for kibbitzing on my loan. No commentary aloud — allowed.

NOTARY: Did you just make a word play? You are right, I have no place commenting on your loan, especially not satirically.

BORROWER: I didn’t shop around for this.

NOTARY: It’s okay. The 30 years you are paying 6.2% instead of 6.1% will probably only cost you $40,000 and I’m sure the ten hours you saved by not shopping around is worth more than $40,000, right?

BORROWER: Grumble. You are so fired, but thanks.

NOTARY : On the other hand, rates just went up, so you probably lost your lock, and the financial institution you borrowed from is one of the best and gives competitive rates, so you did okay. I just said what I said in jest.

BORROWER: Hey, you just made a word play with the just and the jest. Was that a soliloquy?

NOTARY: No, you are just being silly-oquy. Now, let’s look at the HUD or the Closing Disclosure. Hmm, it says the Notary fee is $300. Guess how much of that I get?

BORROWER: Umm, the whole thing?

NOTARY: You missed your calling in life — you should have been a comedian. No, I get $60 which covers my gas, printing, other auto expenses, and a happy meal.

BORROWER: Reminds me of the time I went on a rick-shaw ride in India. The guy wanted 70 rupees and I offered him 60. He said, “Hey buddy, the price if imported whiskey is not going down — 70, no discounts.”

NOTARY: How comforting. That reminds me of the Arabian signer I had who told me all about his harem. He had four Saudi girls, two African girls, but wanted a blonde. So, he went to all types of trouble to coerce a blonde to live with him in his palace. He finally got a girl named Christina to be part of his harem. He said, “Once I had a blonde blue eyed lady as part of my harem — Christina. She always used to talk back to me… I found it so (pause) refreshing. After three months I had to send her back to the states. I will never forget my little Christina.”

BORROWER: You know how it is for people in third world countries. I think there is an expression about white girls (or guys) — Once you’ve had vanilla, you’ll love like a chinchilla, sipping sarsparilla, on a beach on the coast of Manila.

NOTARY: That must be a come back to — once you’ve had black, ain’t no turning back.

BORROWER: Something like that, although yours is more imaginative especially with the chinchilla. Do they have chinchillas in the Philippines?

NOTARY: Not sure, I think they are cute little creatures who live in the Andes. Okay, now to the Right to Rescind. Forgive me father, for I have rescinded.

BORROWER: Oh, that’s an old one. I’ve heard that many times from all of the past Notaries I’ve met.

NOTARY: I know, sounds like something they would say on late night television on Craig Ferguson’s show. Okay, you can cancel by email, fax, or in writing.

BORROWER: I don’t have a fax.

NOTARY: Well then better make sure you really want this loan!

BORROWER: I think I want it. But, I do have email.

NOTARY: Better print out the email and the send date so you have proof that you sent it. You know how these banks are.

BORROWER: Okay, I signed here. Are you going to acknowledge my signature.

NOTARY: No, you are.

BORROWER: So, let me get this straight. I acknowledge my own signature, and then you are the one who gets paid.

NOTARY: As I said before — you’re in the wrong profession.

BORROWER: I’m beginning to think you are right.

NOTARY: Now, on to the signature affidavit. You have to swear that you signed it.

BORROWER: Okay, (raising his right hand) I swear.

NOTARY: But, you haven’t signed it yet.

BORROWER: Oh yeah.

NOTARY: Thank God you’re not a Notary, missing a signature like that — otherwise you’d really be in the wrong profession! That’s not only careless what you did, but illegal — 5 years.

BORROWER: Five years for a little joke?

NOTARY: That was under Oath with a public official — me.

BORROWER: Good God, I’ll stick to jokes about the APR from now on. Did you hear about the APR that wanted to go onto the next stage in life? He became a BPR.

NOTARY: Bad one. Boo. I got one. How do you define the APR to a non-borrowing spouse?

BORROWER: You mention it deducts many of the fees and closing costs before doing the calculation? That’s not funny.

NOTARY: It is with your loan. Have you seen the appraisal fee — that’s insane!

BORROWER: You’re fired… again. Except I can’t fire you because you have something on me — that damn Oath I took. My pre-signature Oath.

NOTARY: Those pre-signature Oaths will get you every time. I call them pre-sigs. Happens all the time. Borrowers will swear to anything, they think it’s cool.

BORROWER: Now to do the Jurat. You need to watch me sign in your presence for one of these according to what I read in Jeremy’s course. Are you watching? I’m signing now, keep looking…. I saw you look away… Keep looking.

NOTARY: Are you even watching what you are signing, or are you just watching me?

BORROWER: Oh, you are … what a scribble. I signed that? I should have been paying attention.

NOTARY: Correction, you should have been witnessing your own signature instead of trying to witness me witnessing your signature.

BORROWER: Once again, I’m in the wrong profession, but thank God I’m not a Notary.

NOTARY: Exactly. Jokes aside — yes! Okay.. got one. What did the Notary say to the borrower?

BORROWER: Umm. Sign here?

NOTARY: No, he said, “Sign exactly as your name appears on title.”

BORROWER: That sounds about right, but isn’t funny. What if the borrower is irate about their APR?

NOTARY: That’s more along the lines of where you get to the punch line. Or getting thrown down a flight of stairs.

BORROWER: Ouch. Did that really happen?

NOTARY: It’s all documented in Jeremy’s blog — real story, and that’s no joke. Now let’s look at the 1003.

BORROWER: Page three says, “This page intentionally left blank.” sounds like a Seinfeld situation. It’s more like a joke than a real loan document.

NOTARY: That’s the irony. It looks like a joke, but it actually isn’t a joke.

BORROWER: That’s kind of like most of your jokes in reverse. They sound like jokes, but they aren’t funny.

NOTARY: You laughed, so they are funny, at least to you.

BORROWER: You got me on that one just like my Lender got me on the APR.

NOTARY: Now it is time to do journal thumbprints. I need three thumbprints, one here, one here, and one here — one for each entry.

BORROWER: Here you go.

NOTARY: So, how would you rate the signing overall — jokes aside?

BORROWER: I would give it three thumbs, but not three thumbs up. Three thumbs horizontally.

NOTARY: Not sure if that constitutes an official rating, but it will have to do.

You might also like:

Index of best comedy posts from 2015
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=20295

The Mayan rescission calendar
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15096

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