It started out being just a normal signing. But, the Notary was no ordinary Notary.

NOTARY: Hi, my name is Charles and I will be your signing agent this evening. If you have any questions during the signing process, please feel free to address those to me.

BORROWER: Sounds like a deal, Charles. We’ll conduct the signing in the dining room.

NOTARY: Great.

BORROWER: Would you like to sit down?

NOTARY: Oh, you see, my style of signings is more of a stand up signing.

BORROWER: Oh, yeah, I read in your reviews that you are a stand up guy. Now, I think I know what they meant.

NOTARY: Good one. I didn’t know my reviews said that. I thought it said that I showed up on time;

BORROWER: That was only for one signing, the one where you set your clocks back an hour in November. No wonder you were on time for the first time in your life.

NOTARY: That was low, but it works. Anyway. Let’s begin with the Deed of Trust. We need to initial each page.

BORROWER: Have you done this before, or do you consider this to be improv?

NOTARY: I did my routine once, but on a reverse mortgage, so I have to turn my jokes around for this type of signing.

BORROWER: Do you need to go back into the driveway and turn your car around too?

NOTARY: Not until the signing is over.

BORROWER: Good one! Okay, look. This is my initial initial.

NOTARY: Hey, not fair, you are funnier than me. Oh look, your APR is 6.2% — what a joke!

BORROWER: Uh oh, I could have you reported for kibbitzing on my loan. No commentary aloud — allowed.

NOTARY: Did you just make a word play? You are right, I have no place commenting on your loan, especially not satirically.

BORROWER: I didn’t shop around for this.

NOTARY: It’s okay. The 30 years you are paying 6.2% instead of 6.1% will probably only cost you $40,000 and I’m sure the ten hours you saved by not shopping around is worth more than $40,000, right?

BORROWER: Grumble. You are so fired, but thanks.

NOTARY : On the other hand, rates just went up, so you probably lost your lock, and the financial institution you borrowed from is one of the best and gives competitive rates, so you did okay. I just said what I said in jest.

BORROWER: Hey, you just made a word play with the just and the jest. Was that a soliloquy?

NOTARY: No, you are just being silly-oquy. Now, let’s look at the HUD or the Closing Disclosure. Hmm, it says the Notary fee is $300. Guess how much of that I get?

BORROWER: Umm, the whole thing?

NOTARY: You missed your calling in life — you should have been a comedian. No, I get $60 which covers my gas, printing, other auto expenses, and a happy meal.

BORROWER: Reminds me of the time I went on a rick-shaw ride in India. The guy wanted 70 rupees and I offered him 60. He said, “Hey buddy, the price if imported whiskey is not going down — 70, no discounts.”

NOTARY: How comforting. That reminds me of the Arabian signer I had who told me all about his harem. He had four Saudi girls, two African girls, but wanted a blonde. So, he went to all types of trouble to coerce a blonde to live with him in his palace. He finally got a girl named Christina to be part of his harem. He said, “Once I had a blonde blue eyed lady as part of my harem — Christina. She always used to talk back to me… I found it so (pause) refreshing. After three months I had to send her back to the states. I will never forget my little Christina.”

BORROWER: You know how it is for people in third world countries. I think there is an expression about white girls (or guys) — Once you’ve had vanilla, you’ll love like a chinchilla, sipping sarsparilla, on a beach on the coast of Manila.

NOTARY: That must be a come back to — once you’ve had black, ain’t no turning back.

BORROWER: Something like that, although yours is more imaginative especially with the chinchilla. Do they have chinchillas in the Philippines?

NOTARY: Not sure, I think they are cute little creatures who live in the Andes. Okay, now to the Right to Rescind. Forgive me father, for I have rescinded.

BORROWER: Oh, that’s an old one. I’ve heard that many times from all of the past Notaries I’ve met.

NOTARY: I know, sounds like something they would say on late night television on Craig Ferguson’s show. Okay, you can cancel by email, fax, or in writing.

BORROWER: I don’t have a fax.

NOTARY: Well then better make sure you really want this loan!

BORROWER: I think I want it. But, I do have email.

NOTARY: Better print out the email and the send date so you have proof that you sent it. You know how these banks are.

BORROWER: Okay, I signed here. Are you going to acknowledge my signature.

NOTARY: No, you are.

BORROWER: So, let me get this straight. I acknowledge my own signature, and then you are the one who gets paid.

NOTARY: As I said before — you’re in the wrong profession.

BORROWER: I’m beginning to think you are right.

NOTARY: Now, on to the signature affidavit. You have to swear that you signed it.

BORROWER: Okay, (raising his right hand) I swear.

NOTARY: But, you haven’t signed it yet.

BORROWER: Oh yeah.

NOTARY: Thank God you’re not a Notary, missing a signature like that — otherwise you’d really be in the wrong profession! That’s not only careless what you did, but illegal — 5 years.

BORROWER: Five years for a little joke?

NOTARY: That was under Oath with a public official — me.

BORROWER: Good God, I’ll stick to jokes about the APR from now on. Did you hear about the APR that wanted to go onto the next stage in life? He became a BPR.

NOTARY: Bad one. Boo. I got one. How do you define the APR to a non-borrowing spouse?

BORROWER: You mention it deducts many of the fees and closing costs before doing the calculation? That’s not funny.

NOTARY: It is with your loan. Have you seen the appraisal fee — that’s insane!

BORROWER: You’re fired… again. Except I can’t fire you because you have something on me — that damn Oath I took. My pre-signature Oath.

NOTARY: Those pre-signature Oaths will get you every time. I call them pre-sigs. Happens all the time. Borrowers will swear to anything, they think it’s cool.

BORROWER: Now to do the Jurat. You need to watch me sign in your presence for one of these according to what I read in Jeremy’s course. Are you watching? I’m signing now, keep looking…. I saw you look away… Keep looking.

NOTARY: Are you even watching what you are signing, or are you just watching me?

BORROWER: Oh, you are … what a scribble. I signed that? I should have been paying attention.

NOTARY: Correction, you should have been witnessing your own signature instead of trying to witness me witnessing your signature.

BORROWER: Once again, I’m in the wrong profession, but thank God I’m not a Notary.

NOTARY: Exactly. Jokes aside — yes! Okay.. got one. What did the Notary say to the borrower?

BORROWER: Umm. Sign here?

NOTARY: No, he said, “Sign exactly as your name appears on title.”

BORROWER: That sounds about right, but isn’t funny. What if the borrower is irate about their APR?

NOTARY: That’s more along the lines of where you get to the punch line. Or getting thrown down a flight of stairs.

BORROWER: Ouch. Did that really happen?

NOTARY: It’s all documented in Jeremy’s blog — real story, and that’s no joke. Now let’s look at the 1003.

BORROWER: Page three says, “This page intentionally left blank.” sounds like a Seinfeld situation. It’s more like a joke than a real loan document.

NOTARY: That’s the irony. It looks like a joke, but it actually isn’t a joke.

BORROWER: That’s kind of like most of your jokes in reverse. They sound like jokes, but they aren’t funny.

NOTARY: You laughed, so they are funny, at least to you.

BORROWER: You got me on that one just like my Lender got me on the APR.

NOTARY: Now it is time to do journal thumbprints. I need three thumbprints, one here, one here, and one here — one for each entry.

BORROWER: Here you go.

NOTARY: So, how would you rate the signing overall — jokes aside?

BORROWER: I would give it three thumbs, but not three thumbs up. Three thumbs horizontally.

NOTARY: Not sure if that constitutes an official rating, but it will have to do.

You might also like:

Index of best comedy posts from 2015
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=20295

The Mayan rescission calendar
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15096

I wrote a blog article about the difference between bad boy Notaries and “nice” Notaries. It seems that “nice” Notaries are basically not nice at all, but a bunch of losers who want to attain other’s positive opinion and never assert themselves. The intrinsic meaning of “nice” means that you care for others which is very different from caring about how others think of you which is selfish in a lame sort of a way.

Here are some more things a bad boy Notary could do.

1. The “nice” guy Notary arrives in his Toyota Corolla or Honda, parks on the street even if he has to walk three blocks.
The bad boy Notary arrives at the signing driving a Harley. Of course, if the Harley was really noisy that would add to the bad boy appeal.

2. The ‘nice” guy Notary read copious reviews on buying the most sensible laser printer on the market, yet ends up with one that is broken half the time and works at the speed of a snail because his budget was too small. The bad boy Notary invests in a mega printer that spits out 40 pages per minute (on a bad minute) and never breaks, and also has a three year guarantee. When the bad boy Notary introduces his printer he says, and I quote, “check out this bad boy.”

3. The “nice” guy Notary neatly stacks the blank pages (if any) in the stack of loan documents. The bad boy Notary
makes spitballs out of the blank pages in the stack of loan documents, or makes paper airplanes. Japanese bad boys prefer to do origami with the blank pages and show off their Yakuza tattoos and explain the story of each tattoo. The bad boy notary could also play hang man with customers using blank pages (and even hang them if they lose.)

4. The “nice” guy Notary refuses to answer phone calls during the signing because he feels it might upset the client. The bad boy Notary realizes that he will miss his next job assignment as well as tomorrow’s job assignments if he misses phone calls, texts and emails, so he is watching them like a hawk. Moreover, he is concerned that his various lady friends might call while at the signing and he definitely doesn’t want to miss their calls.

5. The “nice” guy Notary explains to the borrower why page three on the 1003 is left blank and then gets funny looks. The bad boy Notary plays tic tac toe with the customer using page three of the 1003. Sounds kind of lame, but is a way to use the page that says, “this page intentionally left blank.”

6. The “nice” guy Notary invests big bucks going to all of the NNA conferences, learns some, and makes a handful of connections that he could have made by making a few phone calls. The bad boy Notary reads Jeremy’s blog and masters the materials in the free courses, gets a few mentors by networking with Jeremy, Carmen and the other more experienced people in the industry, AND, writes sarcastic and mildly inappropriate responses to Jeremy’s blogs… (hmmm, sounds like Ken.)

7. The “nice” guy Notary let’s his customers rack up a huge bill without complaining. After all, he is afraid that they will stop sending business his way. The bad boy Notary has a credit limit with customers which he expects them to honor. If the don’t he will cancel a job at the last minute and send a text saying, “Paypal what you owe me or find another Notary, punk!” Ouch! Once again, sounds a little like Ken, except Ken asks to be paid up front as a standard business practice. I wonder if Ken wears a leather jacket? Ken also doesn’t call people punks… he calls them turkeys instead. (gobble gobble.)

8. The “nice” guy Notary wants to attracts any client he can and is afraid to lose any client. The bad boy Notary realizes that there are some people with more time than money, and others with more money and less time — he prefers the latter and charges them appropriately. If the client is not in a position to pay big and pay fast, bad boy Notary doesn’t have a use for them.

9. The “nice” guy Notary carries pepper spray in the car just in case. Better safe than sorry. The bad boy Notary carries pepper spray in the car, on his person, a gun, has a knife collection and a club. After all, you never know what is coming. Additionally, bad boy Notary always sits closest to the door not because he is afraid — he is just thinking ahead of the game just in case something happens. You always have to have an escape plan.

10. The “nice” guy Notary always brags that he knows what he is doing and talks endlessly about his “experience.” The bad boy Notary is certified five times over and keeps his cool when talking to clients. He answers questions the way they were ask, and doesn’t try to insert little self-promoting statements into the conversation when unnecessary. He figures if someone wants to know about his background in Escrow or the 10,000 loans he signed (or claims to have signed) they will ask. He plays it cool and gets the job, because he is very professional and not at all annoying contrary to the “nice” Notary who falls on his face trying to do a snow job or smoke screen.

So, there you have it. Nice guys finish last not because they are nice, but because they are lame and unprepared, not to mention stupid. Stay ahead of the game and be a bad boy Notary. But, perhaps without the Harley as that pointer is not that critical. However the Harley jacket has been scientifically proven to attract babes.

You might also like:

Are you a bad boy Notary?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22380

Ken’s take on how to be a bad boy-girl, person, Notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22374

After the whole Trump fiasco, now Stormy Daniels is accusing a California Notary by the name of John Q. Public of giving her hush money not to talk about the secret affair they had twenty years earlier.

STORMY: You know I’m gonna let society know what you did, you little rascal.

JOHN: Have I been a very very bad boy?

STORMY: I have a little dirt on you that I’m going to hold against you.

JOHN: Just like you held me against you?

STORMY: Not exactly the same way. But, you forgot to put a state in your venue, and that is an omission.

JOHN: Are you saying that I didn’t have any ink in my seal, are you saying that I’m shooting blanks? Because I assure you that I’m fully loaded.

STORMY: Well that’s the problem. You were so loaded you couldn’t do your notarization correctly without drifting off in the middle. You also forgot to administer an Oath on my Jurat. That’s fraud baby, and I’m going to report you.

JOHN: How much more hush money do you want? Actually, my commission’s over, so it doesn’t matter anymore.

STORMY: It does on a felony conviction.

JOHN: That was twenty years ago, so the statute of limitations is over. Actually, I need to see my Attorney to verify. I owe her hush money too, so I’ll multi-task.

ATTORNEY: Hey Stormy, you should be embarrassed to have done it with a Notary. You should be paying him hush money.

STORMY: Hmm, I never thought of it that way. Especially since I was thinking about running for office. Maybe you’re right. Let’s just call it even, and make a toast with my brother Jack.

ATTORNEY: Deal. But, calling it even, there are still Attorney fees. Okay. Two bottles of Jack will do it.

STORMY: That’s money down the storm drain — pity, but makes a great pun on my name.

You might also like:

Texas suspends Notary who handled Stormy’s hush money
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22331

Perhaps Trump will take notary competency more seriously now that he is affected
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22335