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January 4, 2011

Doing Oaths? Use a multiple choice form to pick a deity!

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , — admin @ 10:40 am

The politically correct movement has swept the nation. Even in places like Alabama, people are shying away from the mention of God and doing Affirmations instead of Oaths. The problem I have with this is that there are customs involving Oaths that make the Oath formal and solemn, and by doing away with these customs, in my opinion, you undermine the whole Oath experience.

A traditional Oath is done with the clause — so help you God at the end.

Nowadays you can pick your favorite diety in an Oath, or at least that is what many Notaries feel. The way I teach Oaths, you can only swear to God and nobody else. If you don’t like God or the mention of God, then try an Affirmation which has you affirm on your honor. The picking of divine entities bothers me because the Oath procedure becomes a free for all. It is like Gay marriage. Now a man can marry a man, woman, sheep, or even a lion in some states (just kidding.) Below are some examples of this convoluted change in Oath procedure.

NOTARY: I am going to administer an Oath to you. So, I will need you to pick a deity to swear to. For me to do the Oath verbiage correctly, please let me know your choice of deities in advance. For God press A, for Lord Krishna press B, for Muhammad C (although that would be forbidden in Islam to swear to anyone other than God), and for Shinto-Man press D.

SIGNER: I don’t really care.

NOTARY: Oh, I am just being sensitive. Do you have a preference?

SIGNER: I’ll pick Ganesh for $50.

NOTARY: I don’t think Ganesh is for sale, but here goes. Do you solemnly swear that the contents of this document are true and correct so help you Ganesh?

SIGNER: I do. I swear by his tusk. He’s an elephant so I assume he has a tusk, unless he was detuskified.

The ironies of these types of Oaths are that the Notaries put so much effort into avoiding offending the Affiant (a word most Notaries do not even know) that they fail to maintain the legality of the Oath by giving off-topic Oaths perhaps regarding whether or not you signed the document on your own free will, or if your name is really John Smith. The Oath must be to the truthfulness of the document as a primary focus. But Notary focus is on politically correct nonsense these days and not on the law. If there were a prison for Notaries who break the law, I would put them in a very politically prison where they are referred to as Notarial-Americans instead of Notaries.

Here is another example. The signer is being particular about his preferences.

SIGNER: I need an Oath.

NOTARY: Oh, would you like to have an Oath under God, or some other diety.

SIGNER: Is it possible to swear to Vishnu because I am a Vaishnav.

NOTARY: A what?

SIGNER: A Vaishnav is a type of Hindu that believes in Vishnu just like a Shivite prays to Shiva.

NOTARY: Who?

SIGNER: How can you administer an Oath to me for a God that you don’t even know the name of?

NOTARY: Okay… Do you solemnly Affirm under the supreme rule of Vaishoo…

SIGNER: Not only did you mispronounce the name of my God, but you don’t even know the names of the words in a real Oath. In an Oath you swear not affirm, and in an Affirmation you affirm, not swear. You can’t just mix-match the words any way you like. The minute the word swear is not there, it is no longer an Oath.

NOTARY: Yes, but they are legally the same.

SIGNER: Be that as it may, I have the right to choose the type of Notarization, and you re-chose a different act on your own initiative which is not legal. If you spent more time following the law and less time playing multiple choice with deities you might be a better Notary. You might even become a law abiding Notary!

NOTARY: You’re rude! But, we’ll do the Oath again. And the deity of the day is Jupiter. I want to do a Greek God today.

SIGNER: Doing Oaths is not like deciding what type of dressing to put on your mandarin salad. This is a legal process and there are rules. You might not know what the rules are, but there still are rules. I am reporting you to the Secretary of State. I am sick of this nonsense. You are commissioned to do notary work, yet you don’t even know how to do the simplest acts. Unbelievable. My Vishnu… Ooops, I used the lord’s name in vein.

NOTARY: Don’t worry, I won’t report you.

Jeremy’s advice
Unless you have read up on your state’s laws and know which Gods are admissible for an Oath, stick to God, the founder of the universe. And in an Affirmation have the Affiant affirm on their personal honor. That is how I teach it and it is simpler that way. You may not think anyone is checking up on your when you are doing Oaths — but, God is, so use his name if you do an Oath. And if someone doesn’t like mentioning God, do an Affirmation. And remember — if they are Unitarian, the last time God was mentioned was when the janitor hit is thumb with a hammer.

.

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Airline meals vs. Notary Oaths & Affirmations
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Notary Public 101 – Oaths, Affirmations, Jurats & Acknowledgments
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19500

Should you give book wording for Oaths or improvise?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19660

Oaths – how Notaries completely screw them up
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19369

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How Carmen dealt with some Alt-Right customers

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Popular Overall,Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: — admin @ 7:49 am

Many of you do not know this, but in addition to doing sales on 123notary.com, Carmen is also a Notary. Carmen was chosen to help us here at 123notary because she knows the Notary and signing business inside out and has great oral communication skills. Carmen normally picks and chooses which customers she takes to avoid the riff-raff. But, this last drama was out of the ordinary.

(ring-ring)

PAUL: (on phone) Hi, my name is Paul, and we will need some documents Notarized at Maggiano’s.

CARMEN: Fine, I charge $50 travel fee plus $10 per Notarized signatures. I give a discount if you have more than five signatures.

PAUL: Well, we only have one, and we have cash, so you are in luck.

(Carmen drives to the Maggiano’s location)

GROUP: Hail Trump!!! (raising right arm to do Nazi type salute)

MAGGIANO’S STAFF: Oh, my God, what an embarrassment. We gave them a Cesar salad, they should be hailing Caesar, not Trump! Besides, what will our politically correct left-wing customers who control all of our thoughts and actions say?

CARMEN: I’ll tell you what they’ll say. For starters you need to screen your groups just the way Notaries need to screen their signing companies. Otherwise, there’s no telling what type of bozos you’ll get. Second, you need to take a closer eye on people. That’s what I do. The minute I see someone doing a Nazi salute — that’s a warning sign right there! If you’re not watching, you’ll find out after the fact!

PAUL: Hi Carmen, thanks for coming.

CARMEN: What type of group is this? Are you Gestappo Trump supporters?

PAUL: We are just trying to protect our legacy and inheritance.

CARMEN: I understand exactly how you feel — I’m trying to do the same — in my own way.

PAUL: By voting against Trump?

CARMEN: That’s one of my methods. Checking people’s ID’s is another. Let’s see some ID please.

PAUL: Here it is. You might not realize that’s me, because I had the photo taken during my skinhead days. I hope you don’t take offense at that.

CARMEN: That will do. And by the way, the problem is not the skin on your head. The problem is what’s under the skin. So, this is an Affidavit of protection for the motherland. A document that makes you swear to protect your land against all enemies foreign and domestic and not to abandon your cause for light and transient causes. Okay. Sign here!

PAUL: Got it.

CARMEN: Now, raise your right arm and say hail! Do you solemnly swear that you will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth and that you will protect the motherland to the best of your abilities come hell, fire, damnation, or hail-storms?

PAUL: Hail… I mean, yes I do.

CARMEN: Okay, I’m affixing my official seal courtesy of the State of California. You can consider yourself legally Notarized.

PAUL: Here’s $80.

CARMEN: You only owe me $60.

PAUL: I know, but you’ll need some extra on the boat going back to you know where!

CARMEN: You racist!!! I can’t believe you said that! By the way, I had a dream about that boat. It was the longest boat ride of my life, and the only doctor on board was Dr. Pepper. What a bunch of loons! I’m so upset, I’m calling Jeremy to tell him what happened.

JEREMY: Yes Carmen

CARMEN: You wouldn’t believe what happened. I did a Notarization for Alt-Right, and (blah blah blah, etc.) I just wish I could press a magic button and have these people disappear.

JEREMY: Well you can. Just go to your computer and say, “There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home — and then click the keys CTRL-ALT-RIGHT-DELETE three times.

CARMEN: Okay, I’ll do that.. There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home…. click… click.. click… Where am I?

TIM: You were just having a bad dream mom. It must be that whole Trump election and everything that’s going on in the news.

CARMEN: From now on, I’m being careful about who I notarize!

———————————-

The next job Carmen took was from Black Lives Matter

DeSHEA: Hi Carmen, I need 200 documents notarized for the cause.

CARMEN: I’m with you brother!

DeSHEA: When can you be here?

CARMEN: I’m on my way. I have a package rate of $50 travel, $10 per signature, and $5 per signature after you are on your sixth. But, for you, I will work for a package rate of $300 for the whole stack!

DeSHEA: You’re my kind of sister!

CARMEN: Okay, here I am.

DeSHEA: There’s a problem

CARMEN: What problem is that?

DeSHEA: We’re concerned that although you black, you ain’t black…. eeee-nuff.

CARMEN: Not black enough? How black I gotta be brutha?

DeSHEA: We do blood tests here from ancestry.com, and if you are less than 87% of Sub-Saharan African ancestry, you can not be affiliated with our group, nor can you work for us. I’m afraid this is a policy.

CARMEN: So, if I’m more than 13% something else, I can’t work for you? Oh my God. This Trump election is making people more crazy all around the country!

——————————-

Finally, a job offer comes in from Mulatto Lives Matter.

KIM: Carmen, we need your help for the cause.

CARMEN: I’m with you sister. I just had a horrible experience with the, “Let’s make America white again” group as well as the Black lives matter group who disowns you the minute you are 13% or more something else according to ancestry.com. I’m with you sister.

KIM: We we’re more flexible here. You can be 13.1 to 87.3% black and we will accept you over here. We need ten documents notarized.

CARMEN: I’m there.

KIM: In the mean time while we wait for the signers, would you like a vanilla latte in a zebra cup? It’s symbolic of our movement.

CARMEN: A vanilla latte… what? Next thing you’re going to ask me is if I want the whole cup or just 50-50.

KIM: Hi Carmen. Thanks for coming. There are ten different signers and not all of them can come at the same time, so you’ll have to wait.

CARMEN: I charge waiting time by the way at the rate of $20 per twenty minutes payable up front as well as my $50 travel fee.

KIM: Oh. I didn’t know that up front.

CARMEN: I didn’t know you’d keep me waiting all day up front either. You could have warned me.

KIM: Well, I don’t think we’re a good fit.

————————————

CARMEN: Jeremy, these’ political groups are killing me. They’re either racists, or completely irresponsible or both. The Alt-Right wants to deport me, but they sure tip good. The Black LIves Matter openly discriminated against me and Mulatto Lives Matter wanted to keep me waiting all day without any guarantee of payment. I think I was better off with the Alt-Right — at least they were on time and gave me extra, but I deleted them!

JEREMY: Carmen, I know how you feel. I’ve been through similar things in my life. Sometimes everybody is bad in one way or another, and it’s hard to figure out who NOT to CTRL-ALT-DEL. But, I have a solution. I call it, “The final solution.”

CARMEN: That’s sounds Nazi, but lay it on me.

JEREMY: The final solution is not to work for any of those groups. Work for ALT-123. We are even handed, moderate, and judge you by the content of your merit, and NOT by the color of your ink.

CARMEN: I heard that! Dr. King would be proud.

JEREMY: And Dr. Pepper too.

CARMEN: Dr. Pepper? Oh. I must have told you about my dream. Anyway. I’m going to take a nap now.

———————————-

(snooze)

CARMEN: Oh, no. I must be dreaming again. I’m on the boat. But, this time it’s worse. They’re out of Dr. Pepper which I’ve heard has healing properties. What will I do. Oh, there’s some people drinking Snapple. Can I have some Snapple?

TYZONE: It’s 13.1% juice.

CARMEN: First of all, how did you get that name? Did your mama give birth you in the bathroom of a pizza parlor when her car broke down on the way to the hospital? And Second — 13.1%? Am I allowed to drink Snapple if it’s 13.1% juice, or does it have to be under 13% juice, or under 13% something other than juice. I’m confused. Let me go to my computer.

TYZONE: There’s no computer on this boat baby.

CARMEN: I brought my own. CTRL-ALT-RIGHT-DEL…… ALT-123… There’s no place like 123!!!! Oh, that was fun, I want to do that again!

(Meanwhile Carmen drifts off again and has another dream. This time David Duke was on a refugee boat filled with Alt-Right people on a one-way journey to Europe while Carmen was on land in America watching him drift by.)

DAVID DUKE: Hey Carmen, two things. Can you toss a Dr. Pepper on board? And one more thing. Can’t we all just get along?

CARMEN: That’s exactly what I’ve been wanting to ask you all of these decades!

.

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Black Notaries vs. White Notaries – The Notary Manual
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19322

Notary Jail
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19666

Protesters & A statue of a Notary who had slaves
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19696

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Notarized Subordination Agreement

Filed under: (4) Documents — admin @ 3:21 am

Subordination Agreements are often included in a loan signing. Many people find it hard to understand or explain what this document actually does or means. It basically assigns a priority for which loan gets paid first if there is insolvency. What a lovely thought. It’s a bit like a prenuptial at a wedding — you’re already thinking about getting divorced before you are actually married.

In any case, Subordination Agreements are a very common type of notarized documents. Just make sure your document is fully filled out before you call the notary that you found on 123notary.com. You will need a government issued photo-ID as identification for the notary signing. You will also need to sign the notary journal. Being notarized is not hard. Just try to find a notary who knows what they are doing! Additionally, the notary is not responsible to understand the document and is prohibited from explaining it. So, ask your Attorney. You do have an Attorney, right?

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How to handle rude clients

As notaries, your job is to make sure that documents get signed and returned to the correct party in a timely fashion. Getting documents signed is easy. It is dealing with difficult clients that is the hard part. So, what do you do when a client is rude?

You can politely apologize about whatever they are complaining about. You can try to refer them to the Lender or Title company if there is a problem with certain documents as well. The main thing is to assure them that you are “just the notary” and your job is to make sure the documents get signed. If there is a problem with the documents, please take that up with the party who is responsible for the error.

Or othertimes the rudeness will be completely unrelated to the documents. The borrowers might have a rude dog that goes yap yap yap, and growls at you right around your toes. This can be very disconcerting for those of us who are cat people and not dog people. Dog lovers don’t normally respect the fact that not everybody likes dogs. They can become very rude right away if you voice any dislike of their dog’s hostile behavior. I personally think that people who have viscious dogs were antagonistic dogs in their past lives and don’t realize how unpleasant dog behavior can be.

It is common for borrowers to be rude to other family members and to just make rude conversation to the notary. It is best to ignore this behavior. It is best to respond to rudeness with politeness.

The biggest mistake that notaries make is to reciprocate rudeness. This is where they get complaints. The borrower can be rude to them and get away with it, but if the notary is rude back, they get in trouble. It is the same with me. My clients are often rude to me and regard that is their inalienable right. But, if I throw it back in their face, then I am the bad guy! Then, there are notaries who are rude when writing commentary about signing companies on social media. Be careful — people are watching. There are a lot of signing companies who are fed up with rude notaries and will use any excuse to blacklist you!

Basically:
Be a good Christian and turn the other cheek
If you are not Christian, then do as good Christians would do, and turn the other cheek
If the situation gets out of hand, it might be time to walk out on the signing and contact the signing company. We all have limits.
In short — turn the other cheek, but don’t get cruscified, otherwise people will say, “That Joe the Notary… he SIGNED for our sins: yes he did, yes he did, yes he did!

.

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Rude Notaries?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=2198

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January 3, 2011

A Notary Union — how would that work?

One Notary wanted a Notary Union. But, would a union help? What would happen? He wanted rates fixed at $150 per signing. It’s not legal to fix rates and $150 is too high.

Contracts
Signing companies would have to sign a contract with the union if they wanted to get some of the better veteran signing agents. Most or many veterans would join the union. The companies that hired union Notaries would only be able to hire union Notaries, and with a long term contract at ridiculous prices. Meanwhile the non-union signing companies would be able to hire anyone who wasn’t a union Notary. The problem here is that Title companies are only willing to pay so much. And if the union had a meeting where they were going to raise their rate to $160 per signing, they would virtually put the signing company out of business.

This is similar to what happened with car manufacturers and manufacturing in the Midwest which moved permanently to China leaving the union guys without a job at all. Unions helped certain Midwesterners and people in other parts of the country make extra money for about two or three decades by artificially controlling market conditions — and then the mother companies discovered a place called Asia and the party was over which led to mass unemployment.

Union Fees
Notaries would have to pay union fees, and go to union meetings. Very few Notaries make it to the NNA annual conference, so how will they make it to meetings? Notaries have so little money already, how will they pay fees? Most are not even full-time?

Corruption
Unions basically give privelege to a few of the workers, but do not help workers as a whole. In Boston in the 1980’s, certain more established classes of workers gained privelege to union jobs while Blacks and Puerto Ricans were generally left out until affirmative action became more prevelant. There is also a lot of power politics going in within unions for control. To me, unions are mafia-like power grabbing organizations which force companies to pay an elite group of workers above market level wages. This leaves those without social favor out of the picture and bankrupts companies in the long run. In the long run unions lead to unemployment, unfairness and misery.

The Solution
So, what is the solution to unfair wages? Markets! Fair and open markets solve all wage related problems. With open markets you get paid what you are worth. The problems the Notaries are facing these days is that there are lots of unskilled people who can do Notary work. They might not do a good job, but they can function with guidance. The skills of highly skilled Notaries are no longer valued like in the old days, and that is why the market hires too many unskilled Notaries and doesn’t pay the worthwhile Notaries enough — at least until signing companies come to their senses.

The Cause of the Problem
Part of the reason this is the case is because there are SO FEW highly skilled and reliable Notaries, that you can’t base your business model on only hiring the best. You might get a few “best” notaries, and the rest will be slouches! That is not a consistent business model. Most Notaries on 123notary just don’t know their documents, don’t know what information is where, and don’t know what to do if there is trouble. Most of our Notaries make a lot of claims of how good they are, but really only 250 Elite Certified Notaries on 123notary are hot stuff in my opinion. Those ultra-experienced and highly educated stampers are worth $150 per signing in most cases. The “regular” 123notary certified Notaries are worth about $100 per signing (in my opinion) and the un-123notary certified Notaries are worth $50. If you don’t know anything and have hardly any experience, why should you be paid much more than minimum wage?

My issue is NOT that Notaries are not paid a decent wage. My issue is that the 250 Elite Certified Notaries on our site who merit a better wage are not usually getting it. As for the uncertified majority, the fact that you get work at all is a miracle. I personally would not hire someone who couldn’t pass my test. My test doesn’t guarantee that you are a great Notary — however, it determines that you are at least worth trying and have potential and know your basics.

If it were up to me, anyone who didn’t pass our elite test wouldn’t be allowed to do any signing agent work. After all, this is a serious profession where you routinely handle half million dollar loans. Why hire someone who is any less than highly qualified for such critical work?

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The Notary Union raises it’s rates and alienates its notaries!
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19648

Minimum wage for Notaries
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16276

How much do you merit as a signing agent?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19188

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Comedic Notary Pricing from Apo-steal-of-a-deal to Zilch (not getting paid).

Filed under: Andy Cowan,Comprehensive Guides,Humorous Posts — Tags: — admin @ 9:04 pm

Comedic Notary Pricing from Apo-steal-of-a-deal to Zilch (not getting paid).

Getting paid is serious business. But in this blog, we’re going “goofy.”

REVERSE MORTGAGES

Segagtrom. So much for literally reversing “mortgages.” In the reverse mortgage I’ll be referring to here, you get paid before you do the signing. If they don’t pay you ahead of time, charge 150 bucks. If they don’t pay you that, reverse the charges on the UPS. You can also drive in reverse to the signing. Unless you happen to be in a parking lot, in which case backing up causes serious tire damage. I can back that up in a notarized statement.

INSPECTIONS

When you inspect a house by taking photos, if it’s cheesy looking, tell it to smile and say cheese. If there are lines from broken plaster on the wall they don’t want you to shoot, charge them extra to Photoshop the lines out. Charge twenty to thirty dollars for inspection, unless the photos need touchup. When you visit their restroom and inspect their medicine cabinet, charge them a snooping fee.

REFINANCING

When getting signatures for mortgage signings, charge them a
re-re-re-re-re-refinancing fee if the signer stutters.

EDOCS OR DOCUMENTS

Ink is to a printer what cocaine is to a dealer. The first sample is free, and then they have you hooked on a very expensive habit. So be sure to charge accordingly for depleting your ink supply as you type out documents. Make sure they don’t pay you with money they printed out on their printers. Although the ink would probably be worth more than the money.

TRAVEL FEE FOR MOBILE NOTARIES

It’s been years since doctors made house calls. If you’re making a house call to notarize something, you better make sure you’re compensated for such service. Some charge by the mile, some charge by the amount of time to get there. As for the comedic price list, charge them like Dominos Pizza. They’ll get a free signing if you don’t arrive within thirty minutes or less. And when you do arrive, make sure you act extra cheesy. And top it off with an extra signature. If the signing is late at night, charge them a surcharge. If they treat you with disrespect, charge them a you-forgot-to-call-me “sir” charge.

LATE FEES

If they’re not ready for you when you arrive for the signing, charge them a late fee. If they’re not ready for you when you arrive because they’re dead, charge the next-of-kin a late, late fee. If it’s so late that it’s technically the wee hours of the morning, charge them an early fee. If they can’t pay you till tomorrow, charge them a late fee for the early fee. If they can’t pay you till after the both of you sit down and finish watching an old movie on TV, charge them a late, late show late fee for the early fee.

WAITING FEES

The more you wait to be paid, the more you charge them. If you wait till hell freezes over, charge them a waiting/defrosting fee. You’re like a taxi stuck in park with the meter running. If they haven’t reached the destination yet but they’re still your client, that will cost them. That should give you a lift. (Or for the cabbie and Uber haters out there, “Lyft”)

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A comprehensive guide to Notary pricing
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16504

Protecting yourself with a contract
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=2593

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How Notary work is similar to online dating

I read some material on how Aziz Ansari was talking about online dating and comparing it to applying for jobs. After reading his commentary, I feel that online dating can be similar to Notary work as well. Here are some scenarios.

After the Signing
After you finish the signing, should you call the borrower to tell them how much you liked the signing or should you text them? This depends on the age of the borrower. If the borrower is in their twenties, definately text them. But, if they are forty or over, don’t text them as they’ll probably prefer a call.

NOTARY: “luved the signing, tx”

On the other hand, if you are going to use broken English in your text, the borrower might get the wrong impression. It might be more professional to say,

NOTARY: “I had a wonderful time at the signing. Would it be possible to sign with you again?”

SIGNER: “I’ll think about it. But, I’m signing with other people these days.”

NOTARY: “Is it anything serious? Oh, I’m sorry. I guess I’m prying.”

Having Too Many Choices
One researcher who Aziz commented on learned that having more choices doesn’t make you happier. Life is sometimes easier when we only have a few choices. As a Notary, this is too true. Notaries who are wanted by hundreds of signing companies can never decide if they want to accept the job. What if a better offer comes in? It’s comparable to a beautiful girl at a dance hall. She has so many choices, she not only can’t decide, but takes them for granted. But, from a Notary point of view, it would be easier if all of the offers for signings came in at once, perhaps five at a time. You could pick two that you liked best based on their profile, and forget the rest. I think this business would be much more interesting if you could view an online profile of each borrower — their likes and dislikes, signing preferences, and interests.

NOTARY: So, what do you like to do on the first signing?

SIGNER: I like to sign on the table. Actually sitting on the table. What about you?

NOTARY: I prefer the sofa. If you have a clip board, it is much more relaxing. But, I hate it when you sit on the floor and use the coffee table.

SIGNER: I know… So, what are you doing after the signing?

NOTARY: Not much. Your place or mine? BTW, what’s your place like?

SIGNER: Well, we’re already at my place, so look around. But, since we’re already here, let’s do more sitting on the table. Cool. That’s my thing!

Opening Up
Some Notaries are just too serious at the signing. If you want the signers to open up, you need to be less serious. Instead of discussing the prepayment penalty. Get to know them a little better by discussing your last trip to the circus, or what happened on your last date. Or tell them about funny things that happened on your way to the signing. It’s always awkward on a first signing. So, learn the techniques of making your first signing less awkward.

Put yourself in the Notary’s shoes
Sometimes it might be easier if the borrower put themselves in the Notary’s shoes. They should realize that it is his first time signing with you. He doesn’t know you. He doesn’t know how he’ll react to you. Sure, he read your profile and knows how much you like borrower and signing pieces of paper. Also, try to understand all the different houses the Notary needs to go to and how demanding the job is.

What not to do on the first signing
One Notary did a signing for a borrower who was a little bit forward.

SIGNER: Would you like a Hershey’s kiss at the end of the signing.

NOTARY: “Sorry, I don’t accept Hershey’s kisses on the first signing — I’m not that kind of Notary!”

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You might also like:

Yes, it’s the Notary Dating Show!
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15312

NotaryMatch.com — a dating site for Notaries
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=8706

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Tony Soprano Gets Notarized

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: — admin @ 9:46 am

NOTARY: Boy, what a long trip, and the traffic was terrible.

TONY: I understand. I’ve had a lot of trouble recently with traffic myself. Everytime I get stuck in traffic the only thought that runs through my head is, “where is that ambulance from heaven that I can follow.”

NOTARY: Isn’t that illegal?

TONY: It ain’t illegal if you don’t get caught. Besides… I know people. Capiche? (gives the notary two light avuncular slaps)

NOTARY: I’m not sure if I’m at a notariation or in a Good Fella’s movie.

TONY: It’s a little of both I guess when you’re around here. So.. let’s get started.

NOTARY: Do you have a document you need notarized? Can I see it?

TONY: I got it right here, safe and sound in my violin case. I’m from a very musical family. You know?

NOTARY: Yes, I can see that. There seem to be many violin cases around here. Do you know a good place I can get my bow rehaired?

TONY: Your what?

NOTARY: My bow. I’m a Violist.

TONY: Violist?

NOTARY: You know the instrument that looks like a violin, but is slightly bigger?

TONY: Oh yeah… the viola. I know what that is. But, you’re on your own. I don’t know no bow hair fixer uppers. My violins are strictly for looks purposes only, eh?

NOTARY: I understand. Just for show. Kind of like when I try to play the Khachaturian or Paganini concertos.

TONY: Oh yeah. I know Paganini. I dated his sister for a while. It didn’t end too good though. One of the uncles threatened me.

NOTARY: Did he threaten to forbid you from playing the violin again?

TONY: Not exactly. Let’s put it this way, he owns a concrete business.

NOTARY: Oh, well you won’t be able to play the violin again if he does what I think he was implying.

TONY: Never could in the first place. Okay, here’s the document — oh shoot, I’m running low on ammo. I didn’t realize. Thank God we’re doing this.

NOTARY: Ammo? You keep ammo in the violin case? When I go out to play a concert, I always keep my ammo in a separate bag from my viola case.

TONY: To each his own. Sometimes you don’t want the ammo getting separated from your instruments — you know what I mean?

NOTARY: Okay… we have the document entitled, “I won’t go anywhere’s near Giuseppe or the rest of you’s guys.” Okay, great. Can I see some ID?

TONY: Take your pick! (hands out twelve ID”s like a fan of cards.

NOTARY: Oh, I see. Let me close my eyes. Hmmm. I think I’ll pick…. this one… By the way, which one is the real one so I don’t have to have you arrested for fraud.

TONY: Oh, they’re all real.

NOTARY: What I mean was, which one was issued by the DMV here.

TONY: Oh, that kind of real. Dis one!

NOTARY: Now we’re in business. Now, please sign the document as Tony Soprano, and sign the journal the same way. I’ll need thumbprints too.

TONY: I have DNA samples in my other violin case just in case you’re interested.

NOTARY: Is it your DNA or DNA you’re planting.

TONY: Once again — take your pick!

NOTARY: Okay, I’ve filled out the form, I’m affixing my seal…. done… You know something. After meeting you, I’d like to keep my notary seal, journal, and ammunition (ink refill) in a violin case — and also wear a black shirt, white tie, and pin stripe suit.

TONY: You can call your operation, “Just got made Notarizations.” Just don’t try to do no notarizations in Bensonhurst. You’ll be cutting into Guido’s territory. He’s incharge of all the notarizations down there. Bad things could happen if you venture down there. Understand?

NOTARY: I think I got it. I’ll just stick to Connecticut for now. Have a nice day and stay out of trouble.

TONY: I think I’ll be safe with this document notarized. Now my ex-girlfriend’s family will feel safe…

NOTARY: Never mind — I’m not even going to ask.

.

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If you were hiring a Notary, what would you look for?

Most Notaries are missing the point. They know how good they are or how good they think they are. However, they do not understand the perspective of someone looking for a Notary. A skilled shopper has dealt with thousands of Notaries and can cut through the fluff in your profile faster than you can say backdate. The point is not how good you think you are, but creating the right impression so that pro Title companies think that you are the right type of Notary.

I heave dealt with 40,000 Notaries in my career. I see right through the fluff. The minute someone describes themself as professional or reliable, the only thought that goes through my head is that this person has nothing of value to say, so they substitute baseless adjectives for real information. A Notary who is “all that” would have something of substance to say about themselves. They would describe the types of loans they know how to sign and have something worthwhile about how they do their job.

What I hate most is how Notaries spend three paragraphs telling you how all client information will be held confidential and the integrity of the signing is of utmost importance. This tells me nothing except that you know how to waste space telling me a bunch of fluff. Obviously the information is confidential unless you are an identity thief. But, the identity thief is not going to advertise that they are going to sell your client’s information, are they? So, stick to useful facts.

If I can read three paragraphs of your writing and immediately tell that you are a person with experience and knowledge, I might just call you. The ones who write the fluff will not get called unless they have some certifications from agencies that I have faith in — like my own!

The people who browse 123notary are looking for:

1. Current reviews — not reviews from 2011

2. A well written notes section — not a notes section with lots of fluff and self-aggrandizing adjectives

3. General Facts. Facts about what you know how to do, where you go, who you are a member of, equipment, etc.

4. Well organized information. You might have all the facts, but if they are in a jumble, nobody wants to read that.

5. No mistakes — if you make spelling or grammar mistakes, that is proof to me that you will make mistakes on a signing — and don’t try to talk your way out of that. It is a proven fact!

6. Uniqueness — if you can say something interesting and classy about yourself that others cannot say, that counts for you. People are tired of reading what looks like copied and pasted notes sections that look generic. Most notes sections could be true of thousands of Notaries on any directory. So, by being refreshingly unique in a fun and cool way, you attract others.

7. 123notary.com certification — people who use our site want OUR certification, NOT NNA’s. It doesn’t hurt to have NNA”s, but everyone else has it, so it won’t make you stand out. Only the cream of the crop can pass our test, so it proves yourself.

8. High Placement — high placement isn’t free, and browsers know that. If you put your money where it counts, people will respect how serious and dedicated you are. So, spend some money and get a good spot on 123notary if you take your business seriously.

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The Starbucks notary wises up!

Our notary got stood up at Starbucks the other day, and did what Bostonians call “wising up”. The next night, our notary friend was too tired to travel, unless the price was right. But, he got a call.

9pm… ring ring.
Notary service

Hi, my name is Jim, are you a “notary republic?”
A republic is a country. I am not a country, I am a notary, and I am open to the public — and the public is you
Oh… (long pause). Can you notarize a document?
Yes, that is what I do.
I don’t want to pay a travel fee.
No problem. Meet me at my local Starbucks. Can you come right now?
Sure… Where are you?

I’m in Glendale, how far are you from Glendale?
About 20 minutes.

Great, meet me at 9:20… I can’t schedule after that in case I get a paying job with a travel fee. If I schedule later than that, I might have to give up a $100 job in order to accomodate your $10 job. Understand?
Sure, I guess.

9:15… ring ring
Notary: Hi Jim
Customer: It is not Jim, I am Samuel. We need a notary tonight in Burbank. We are going on a trip and need travel documents. We can pay you $100 travel fee if you can do two signatures included.

Notary: Speak of the devil, I just told my last client that I might get a $100 job tonight. It is the power of positive thinking. Tomorrow night I am going to tell everyone that I might get a $200 job.
Customer: Why stop at $200 — go for $300, just as long as I am not paying!

Notary: So, when do you need service by?
Customer: We are leaving at 11pm, so get over here as soon as you can.
Notary: I have a 9:20pm appointment at Starbucks. If he doesn’t show up on time, I’ll just come on over and should be there before 10pm. If he shows up, I’ll tell him that his appointment is 10 minutes and that I have to run, in which case I’ll be there around 10pm.
Customer: Super.

So, the Starbucks notary meanders down to his favorite hang out spot — Starbucks — of course — isn’t it all of our favorites?
He waits until 9:20pm and then gives three minutes grace period just in case Jim didn’t synchronize his watch to nuclear time. At 9:23 Starbucks notary leaves just as he sees a nervous guy who lacked confidence driving up. Starbucks notary thought — I don’t have time for this, the guy didn’t even call to let me know he was close. So, our notary friend drives off to Burbank. Meanwhile keeping the phone by his side, he anxiously waits for his #1 client to call him and wonder where he was. But, the phone didn’t ring.

At 9:34 our speedy notary arrives at the destination at Burbank, CA. He notary bag by his side, he energetically prances towards the front door. Samual greets him with his document all ready, and five crisp new twenty dollar bills eagerly waiting to be received by our notary friend. The notary checks their identification, takes paw prints, notarizes their signatures, collected his money, and by 9:41 is ready to leave with his wallet fat with cash and then…

ring ring…
Ummm. this is Jim… didn’t we have an appointment at Starbucks?
Notary: Yes Jim, We had a 9:20 appointment and I was at Starbucks waiting for you, but you didn’t show up. I had a conflicting appointment. If I had waited for you, I would have missed my other appointment — and they were ready to go — and not late like you.

Oh… I didn’t realize I was late. I showed up at 9:24.
Notary: You didn’t confirm that you were nearby, and I had to go. But, on a brighter note, I am coming back, and I can meet you at Starbucks in about nine minutes.
Jim: I don’t think I like how this arrangement is going
Notary: Well, I am the one who kept my end of the bargain at the risk of losing a much more lucrative job. You were the one who would have made me late. Maybe it is I who should be the one who doesn’t like the arrangement — hmmm?
Jim: Never mind, I’ll just go home and get it notarized tomorrow by another “noterizer”. Good bye!
Notary: Well, you got a free travel fee out of me. I traveled from my house to Starbucks. My fee is $10 travel fee. You can mail me a check for my trouble.
Jim: No way… besides, I’m the one who did most of the driving… see-ya.

Tweets:
(1) A client wanted to save $ & agreed to meet the notary at Starbucks, but kept the notary waiting for 45 minutes.
(2) The notary waited until 9:20 for his $10 client to show, then had to run to a $100 paying gig!
(3) When you wait for a client to show up who’s late, ur held hostage w/o waiting fees or travel fees.
(4) If customers come 2u, let’em know if they don’t show up on time, they’ll only have 3 minutes grace period.

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