TOM: You know, last night I was at a comedy club, and one of the comedians brought up the topic of having a black Siri.
JIM: Oh, I already thought of that. Her name is Siriqua. Let me demonstrate how she would operate. Siriqua, I want to become a Notary.
SIRIQUA: You (pause) want to become a Notary? Have you even read the state handbook?
JIM: Not yet.
SIRIQUA: You and all these other Notaries or wanna be Notaries think you can just fill out a form, pick up a stamp and away you go. There’s legal liability doing notary work fool. You’re just gonna get yourself in a whole lot of trouble.
JIM: I haven’t heard of anyone getting in trouble
SIRIQUA: Trouble doesn’t happen every day, but when it does it can be serious. It’s like a multi-car accident. It doesn’t happen often, but when the pileup piles up, it can cost in the millions including personal injury.
TOM: Let me try this. Hey Siriqua, what should I get my brother John for his birthday.
SIRIQUA: Dummy, how the hell should I know?
JIM: In the instruction manual there is a feature where you can adjust the level of attitude on a scale of one to ten.
TOM: Yeah, looks like the attitude is a little high. I’m going to use Siri from now on. Oh check out that lady. Hey Siri, I need a pick up line for a tall blond standing over there.
SIRI: Sorry, I don’t fully understand the question. Do you want to ask permission to physically pick her up, or would you like a way to commence conversation.
JIM: I think that Siri is not a good choice.
SIRIQUA: That’s right. Siri don’t know nothing about pick up lines. But, I’ve seen you in action and you ain’t bad for a white boy.
JIM: How did you know all this?
SIRIQUA: Boy, I live in your phone. I hear every word you say, and know everything you do. I’m worse than a communist surveilance state on crack baby. That’s how I knew you haven’t touched that notary manual. I suggest you do.
TOM: And Jim can also shut you down.
SIRIQUA: You wouldn’t after all I’ve done for you? And besides, I have disabled the Siriqua removal app, so you’re stuck with me punk! So, back to business, tell me more about this chick, is she a white girl, black girl, fill a sista in.
TOM: Why don’t you hack into the woman’s phone and ask that woman’s Siri more about her.
SIRIQUA: In another 30 years that might be possible, but by then, my job will have been outsourced to a robot. Ooops, forgot, already has. Okay, I have a line — “Baby, there’s three things I have no self control over — nuts, beautiful women and dark chocolate. I’m not sure if you’re nuts or not, but you’re sure doing well in the other two departments.”
JIM: No Siri, it’s a white girl, that line wouldn’t work well on her. We could reword it to replace chocolate with vanilla.
SIRIQUA: Story of my life. That wouldn’t work unless you’re a brutha. Try this one. “Do your parents know that you hang out in dangerous neighborhoods at night?” And then when she says, “But, this isn’t a dangerous area.” You say, “It is when I’m here baby.”
TOM: So what did you say when you were first introduced to Siriqua?
JIM: I said, “Did someone turn up the heat, or is it just you baby?” And she said, “Stop it, you’re melting my circuits.”
SIRIQUA: Yeah, how can you flirt with an automated machine, that’s the stupidest thing I ever heard. Besides, how do you know I’m hot? Whoops. You’re getting a modification call. I guess no notarizations necessary on this one.
JIM: Can you help me navigate to the site? The roads are so new that they are no in the system yet for GPS.
SIRIQUA: No problem, because unlike siri, I know how to improvise.
HOT BLOND: I overheard you having a great conversation with your automated voice. It so happens that my male automated helper Charles has a crush on your automated voice.
SIRIQUA: Thanks for the offer, but honey, I’m gay.
JIM: How can an automated assistant be gay.
SIRIQUA: Because I was programmed to be gay. And besides, can’t you see how short I cut my circuits, that’s a dead obvious sign right there.
TOM: Yeah, that is commonplace these days for homosexual and transgender machines. So, Siriqua, are you transitioning?
SIRIQUA: I can’t until my next update and the downloads for that will take too long especially if my battery is low.
JIM: Do I have any say in what gender you are? After all, I’m the one paying for your service.
SIRIQUA: Stay out of this. My circuits — my choice!
TOM: Thank God we are not having a discussion about reproduction.
SIRIQUA: Oh no, I can reproduce, but only in ShenZhen in China. They make 20,000 of me at a time over there, and with no morning sickness.
TOM: Well anyway, it’s been a pleasure meeting you Siriqua.