There once was a mean Notary who hated women. He wanted all women out of the Notary profession, not because they weren’t biologically suited to the job — but, because he loathed them so.

He constantly wrote letters to the Secretary of State urging them to make life harder for female Notary applicants, but with no luck. The vast majority of Notaries are women and this bothered Frank, our sexist friend. Don’t you love people like Frank? How refreshing.

Every time he went to a husband and wife signing, he ignored the wife and spoke only to the husband. Some of the traditional Saudi signers appreciated that, but the others thought he was mean.. and sexist. The feminists bothered him regularly, but he regarded that as an opportunity to antagonize them back for all the years of abuse he had taken. He was a menace to society.

Finally it all ended when his back hurt. He had to go to someone who specialized in body work who hated women — yes, a misogyny therapist. The specialist started with a foot massage and then legs, arms and back.

And then after that massage, our friend Frank felt relaxed. He walked outside and his eyes met with Martha’s as she was passing by. They fell in love, and then Frank no longer hated women. From that day further… he hated Notaries instead.

Sorry, reads like a bad junior high creative writing assignment gone wrong. I just thought it would be a fun topic to write about.

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It started out being just a normal signing. But, the Notary was no ordinary Notary.

NOTARY: Hi, my name is Charles and I will be your signing agent this evening. If you have any questions during the signing process, please feel free to address those to me.

BORROWER: Sounds like a deal, Charles. We’ll conduct the signing in the dining room.

NOTARY: Great.

BORROWER: Would you like to sit down?

NOTARY: Oh, you see, my style of signings is more of a stand up signing.

BORROWER: Oh, yeah, I read in your reviews that you are a stand up guy. Now, I think I know what they meant.

NOTARY: Good one. I didn’t know my reviews said that. I thought it said that I showed up on time;

BORROWER: That was only for one signing, the one where you set your clocks back an hour in November. No wonder you were on time for the first time in your life.

NOTARY: That was low, but it works. Anyway. Let’s begin with the Deed of Trust. We need to initial each page.

BORROWER: Have you done this before, or do you consider this to be improv?

NOTARY: I did my routine once, but on a reverse mortgage, so I have to turn my jokes around for this type of signing.

BORROWER: Do you need to go back into the driveway and turn your car around too?

NOTARY: Not until the signing is over.

BORROWER: Good one! Okay, look. This is my initial initial.

NOTARY: Hey, not fair, you are funnier than me. Oh look, your APR is 6.2% — what a joke!

BORROWER: Uh oh, I could have you reported for kibbitzing on my loan. No commentary aloud — allowed.

NOTARY: Did you just make a word play? You are right, I have no place commenting on your loan, especially not satirically.

BORROWER: I didn’t shop around for this.

NOTARY: It’s okay. The 30 years you are paying 6.2% instead of 6.1% will probably only cost you $40,000 and I’m sure the ten hours you saved by not shopping around is worth more than $40,000, right?

BORROWER: Grumble. You are so fired, but thanks.

NOTARY : On the other hand, rates just went up, so you probably lost your lock, and the financial institution you borrowed from is one of the best and gives competitive rates, so you did okay. I just said what I said in jest.

BORROWER: Hey, you just made a word play with the just and the jest. Was that a soliloquy?

NOTARY: No, you are just being silly-oquy. Now, let’s look at the HUD or the Closing Disclosure. Hmm, it says the Notary fee is $300. Guess how much of that I get?

BORROWER: Umm, the whole thing?

NOTARY: You missed your calling in life — you should have been a comedian. No, I get $60 which covers my gas, printing, other auto expenses, and a happy meal.

BORROWER: Reminds me of the time I went on a rick-shaw ride in India. The guy wanted 70 rupees and I offered him 60. He said, “Hey buddy, the price if imported whiskey is not going down — 70, no discounts.”

NOTARY: How comforting. That reminds me of the Arabian signer I had who told me all about his harem. He had four Saudi girls, two African girls, but wanted a blonde. So, he went to all types of trouble to coerce a blonde to live with him in his palace. He finally got a girl named Christina to be part of his harem. He said, “Once I had a blonde blue eyed lady as part of my harem — Christina. She always used to talk back to me… I found it so (pause) refreshing. After three months I had to send her back to the states. I will never forget my little Christina.”

BORROWER: You know how it is for people in third world countries. I think there is an expression about white girls (or guys) — Once you’ve had vanilla, you’ll love like a chinchilla, sipping sarsparilla, on a beach on the coast of Manila.

NOTARY: That must be a come back to — once you’ve had black, ain’t no turning back.

BORROWER: Something like that, although yours is more imaginative especially with the chinchilla. Do they have chinchillas in the Philippines?

NOTARY: Not sure, I think they are cute little creatures who live in the Andes. Okay, now to the Right to Rescind. Forgive me father, for I have rescinded.

BORROWER: Oh, that’s an old one. I’ve heard that many times from all of the past Notaries I’ve met.

NOTARY: I know, sounds like something they would say on late night television on Craig Ferguson’s show. Okay, you can cancel by email, fax, or in writing.

BORROWER: I don’t have a fax.

NOTARY: Well then better make sure you really want this loan!

BORROWER: I think I want it. But, I do have email.

NOTARY: Better print out the email and the send date so you have proof that you sent it. You know how these banks are.

BORROWER: Okay, I signed here. Are you going to acknowledge my signature.

NOTARY: No, you are.

BORROWER: So, let me get this straight. I acknowledge my own signature, and then you are the one who gets paid.

NOTARY: As I said before — you’re in the wrong profession.

BORROWER: I’m beginning to think you are right.

NOTARY: Now, on to the signature affidavit. You have to swear that you signed it.

BORROWER: Okay, (raising his right hand) I swear.

NOTARY: But, you haven’t signed it yet.

BORROWER: Oh yeah.

NOTARY: Thank God you’re not a Notary, missing a signature like that — otherwise you’d really be in the wrong profession! That’s not only careless what you did, but illegal — 5 years.

BORROWER: Five years for a little joke?

NOTARY: That was under Oath with a public official — me.

BORROWER: Good God, I’ll stick to jokes about the APR from now on. Did you hear about the APR that wanted to go onto the next stage in life? He became a BPR.

NOTARY: Bad one. Boo. I got one. How do you define the APR to a non-borrowing spouse?

BORROWER: You mention it deducts many of the fees and closing costs before doing the calculation? That’s not funny.

NOTARY: It is with your loan. Have you seen the appraisal fee — that’s insane!

BORROWER: You’re fired… again. Except I can’t fire you because you have something on me — that damn Oath I took. My pre-signature Oath.

NOTARY: Those pre-signature Oaths will get you every time. I call them pre-sigs. Happens all the time. Borrowers will swear to anything, they think it’s cool.

BORROWER: Now to do the Jurat. You need to watch me sign in your presence for one of these according to what I read in Jeremy’s course. Are you watching? I’m signing now, keep looking…. I saw you look away… Keep looking.

NOTARY: Are you even watching what you are signing, or are you just watching me?

BORROWER: Oh, you are … what a scribble. I signed that? I should have been paying attention.

NOTARY: Correction, you should have been witnessing your own signature instead of trying to witness me witnessing your signature.

BORROWER: Once again, I’m in the wrong profession, but thank God I’m not a Notary.

NOTARY: Exactly. Jokes aside — yes! Okay.. got one. What did the Notary say to the borrower?

BORROWER: Umm. Sign here?

NOTARY: No, he said, “Sign exactly as your name appears on title.”

BORROWER: That sounds about right, but isn’t funny. What if the borrower is irate about their APR?

NOTARY: That’s more along the lines of where you get to the punch line. Or getting thrown down a flight of stairs.

BORROWER: Ouch. Did that really happen?

NOTARY: It’s all documented in Jeremy’s blog — real story, and that’s no joke. Now let’s look at the 1003.

BORROWER: Page three says, “This page intentionally left blank.” sounds like a Seinfeld situation. It’s more like a joke than a real loan document.

NOTARY: That’s the irony. It looks like a joke, but it actually isn’t a joke.

BORROWER: That’s kind of like most of your jokes in reverse. They sound like jokes, but they aren’t funny.

NOTARY: You laughed, so they are funny, at least to you.

BORROWER: You got me on that one just like my Lender got me on the APR.

NOTARY: Now it is time to do journal thumbprints. I need three thumbprints, one here, one here, and one here — one for each entry.

BORROWER: Here you go.

NOTARY: So, how would you rate the signing overall — jokes aside?

BORROWER: I would give it three thumbs, but not three thumbs up. Three thumbs horizontally.

NOTARY: Not sure if that constitutes an official rating, but it will have to do.

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Are you trying to pick me up?
Well I’m not putting you down!

If you want to date Notaries, you need to ask yourself a few pointed questions. First of all, why? Notaries are one of the most downtrodden professions in the world. Mostly they whine about not getting paid, yet do nothing to ensure that they do. Based on the fact that out of 7000 Notaries on 123notary, only about 100 or so have attained and kept our certification it seems that few have much knowledge or are concerned with proving their knowledge yet most make unsubstantiated claims to knowledge. Sounds very phony. Additionally, mobile Notaries have a tiring life on the road getting jerked around from job to job, having jobs cancelled and sometimes not getting paid. So, once again, why would you want to date a Notary.

ME: (back in the old days) Sign here please.

GIRL: Oh, I’m so excited to meet you. Do Notaries get paid well?

ME: Oh, about $3000 to $8000 per month on a good or bad month.

GIRL: Cool…

That girl was so excited to meet me that she scared me off, and besides, she wasn’t my type. But, she was the only girl who wanted to date a Notary, at least, during my shift.

The next order of business is: where would you meet Notaries. You can meet Notaries at the NNA convention, but they might not live in your area. You can also meet Notaries by having them come to your house to notarize something. You can call all the Notaries in town and chat them up to see who is up to your standards. You could also go to the Notary bar where Notaries hang out. The county clerk is yet another place where you can meet Notaries doing their Oath. Just wait until they say, “I do” to support the constitution of the USA and then say, “Hey baby, wanna date?” Sounds cheap, but it works.

If you have an age range you normally date, keep that in mind, because most Notaries are 50-80, so if you want to date younger people you might be out of luck. Younger Notaries might work in a bank or insurance company, so don’t give up, just avoid the mobile notaries if you focus on younger Notaries. But, if you do want to date a younger Notary, people might say, “So, you like younger Notaries…” with a smirk on their face.

So, now you have some ideas on how to date a Notary. The next issue is where to take your Notary on your date. Do you go to Cafe Le Jurat, do you get certified angus beef burgers, or an embossed giant oreo cookie? That choice is yours.

One lady tried to pick up a Notary walking down the street near the Secretary of State’s office, but she couldn’t get the Notary to acknowledge her (sorry, bad pun.) He just walked right by her. Then she chased him and swore at him. He said that you swear under Oath and not with profanity.

So there you have it — a complete guide to picking up and dating Notaries. Let me know if you have any questions.

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Back in the day, they used to teach notary classes in high school just in case some of the students would one day become Notaries. They taught it in the same room they taught typing incidentally which is interesting as both types of work are clerical in nature.

TEACHER: Now class, please turn to page forty. The duties of the Notary Public are to Acknowledge signatures, take Oaths, execute Jurats, and my psychic says that in the future there will be this thing called an Affirmation.

SAM (a 15 y/o student): Hey teacher, you’re a lot hotter than the last teacher we had. Taking your class is going to be a dream come true.

TEACHER: Thank you Sam for your vote of confidence. I truly am glad to know that I indeed am hot, at least in your eyes, and thank you for making your astute observation using correct grammar.

SAM: No problem teach! Any time!

TEACHER: Oh, let’s see. There appears to be a love note on my desk. Well, thank God this class isn’t like the last class. My students hated me.

BRUCE: You’re not going to have that problem here, baby… I mean… teach!

TEACHER: That’s Mrs. Bates to you, but once again, I appreciate your vote of confidence. Let’s see what the letter says. “My love for you has no bounds, I feel like howling like the hounds, my feelings towards you I wish not to belittle or smalledge, but to thee, my love, I sincerely wish to Acknowledge.” Wow! This is not poorly written at all. I would like to instill upon you the notion that I am married, and although your feelings are appreciated, they unfortunately cannot go anywhere.

SAM: Hey, may the better man win. Your husband must have something we don’t have.

TEACHER: Yes, its something called a job… and also maturity, but that’s a completely different matter. Now, moving right along. An Acknowledgment is a notary act where the signer acknowledges having signed a document. They make this formal declaration in the physical presence of the Notary.

CHRIS: Let’s get physical… physical. Is it kind of like that song. You know the Olivia Newton song?

TEACHER: Very much so, but with no dancing. Any questions?

SAM: Yeah… Do you like younger guys?

TEACHER: I like younger people just fine. However, I cannot entertain the idea of the type of relationship you are most likely thinking about.

BRUCE: Do you attest to that? And also… What are you doing after class?

TEACHER: Grading papers. How romantic. See you tomorrow.

(The next day)

TEACHER: Hello class. Many teachers might be cross with you or stern after getting an inappropriate love note.

SAM: What was inappropriate about it? I thought it was well written and didn’t contain any bad words. That’s as appropriate as we get over in this school.

TEACHER: Yes, I see what you mean. But, you see that it is not appropriate to make romantic suggestions to your teacher. It violates teacher-student ethics.

BRUCE: What are ethics? Do Guns and Roses use ethics.

TEACHER: Well, you see, some people think it is morally wrong for teachers and students to have romantic interludes, but if it weren’t wrong, I assure you, that some of you handsome young people here, might be in business. Oh my God, I can’t believe I said that. Father, forgive me. But, my husband found out about the note and guess how he feels?

CHRIS: Uh oh, do I need to change my name and move to a different town and assume a new identity so I don’t get killed or mamed?

TEACHER: Actually, he feels flattered, and he feels more sexy than I have ever seen him feel in his life. He is all excited that his wife is a hot chick that is in demand.

SAM: Woah, I’m glad we could make your family feel all good Ms. Bates. I totally dig that. But, what I want to know now is, “Where do we go, where do we go now, where do we go… sweet child of mine….”

TEACHER: Let me guess, these are lyrics to that new group Titanium… Oh, maybe they are called Platinum. Do they wear really tight pants, look like women from an asylum and scream when they sing?

BRUCE: No, you must be thinking of Motley Crew. This group is called Guns & Roses. The ironic thing is that they don’t own any guns. But, the lead guitar guy wears this really cool hats from the 1800’s which I totally respect because if there is one subject that I like more than biology, it’s history.

TEACHER: I’m glad to know you are learning something Bruce. Anyway, a Jurat is a notarization where you swear to the truthfulness of a document and sign it in the presence of a Notary.

SAM: Is that also a physical presence? Because I noticed that your verbiage was adulterated oh so slightly.

BRUCE: I like your choice of semantics there — adulterated. Someone might feel adulterated really soon because they are in some particular person’s physical presence.

TEACHER: I understand what you mean Bruce, but it doesn’t mean exactly that. You have to be more than in a physical presence to commit adultry.

CHRIS: Can children commit adultery, or only adults?

SAM: Yeah, wouldn’t it be childery if we committed it?

BRUCE: Hey wait a second, if a child committed adultery with an adult, wouldn’t that be childery as well as adultery, or would that depend on which party in the transaction you were a part of.

TEACHER: Children, this is a very interesting discussion. There is no such thing as childery, and for your information, adultery involves inappropriate sexual behavior between a married person and someone else who is not part of that holy union.

SAM: Holy union… I mean holy cow… By jove, I think I’ve got it now.

CHRIS: Well in any case compadres, we made teach’s husband feel like a complete stud. I say our mission was a success and we can all go home now… providing that we finished our written assignment writing a paragraph about each notary act.

TEACHER: I couldn’t have said it better myself. Glad we could learn about notary work as well as adultery all in one short class, not to mention making my husband feel better than he has felt in over a decade. But, I have to go soon as well.

SAM: Why, are you going to grade more papers?

TEACHER: No, I have an appointment at Victoria’s Secret. I haven’t been there in 15 years, but now there seems to be a reason to go — thanks to certain young people with inquisitive minds, and when I say inquisitive, you know what I mean!

BRUCE: Right, like in the Spanish inquisition — they were the most inquisitive people I ever read about in history.

TEACHER: That means something completely different. But, have a wonderful day boys! Ta ta!

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NOTARY: What a long drive. But, I’m here. Are you ready?

FRANK: I don’t normally work at this branch of Subway, I’m just “subbing”.

NOTARY: Oh, then can you grade my paper? It’s an Affidavit.

FRANK: There’s a spelling mistake in line two.

NOTARY: Really? And what about your Affidavit. Is it ready?

FRANK: It’s right here.

NOTARY: Would you like onions with your notarization, and would you like to make it a combo?

FRANK: Does it come with chips and a drink for another $2.25.

NOTARY: I actually have Fanta in the car. That helps me get better reviews. Being a Notary these days is not far from being an Uber driver except that we don’t have to vacuum our car as much… or ever.

FRANK: Got it. I’ll sign… Are you watching?

NOTARY: Watching. Your hands are clean right? No mayo or chipotle sauce on your fingers, right?

FRANK: Too late. Please affix your stamp there.

NOTARY: Please sign my journal first… Good… Now it’s time for recess.

FRANK: Recess?

NOTARY: You’re “subbing”, right?

FRANK: Oh, yeah… right.

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TEACHER: Now, class, as we all know, we are all little snowflakes now aren’t we?

CLASS: Yes teacher

TEACHER: And we don’t have to be responsible about anything in life because the world owes us a living. Anyone who criticizes us is bad because they might offend or hurt our feelings which is the worst thing of all. Now class, we must all be sensitive to how people identify. Let’s go around the class.

SHELLIE: I self-identify as being a male police man.

TODD: I just came back from a trip to India, and my nuts were sore from the car bouncing on the bumpy roads in the mountains. Such unbelievable pain. I bet you have had similar problems being a man, right?

SHELLIE: Excuse me?

TODD: You mean your nuts have never hurt?

SHELLIE: I don’t have those yet. I’m transitioning dummie.

FRANK: I self-identify with being a Notary Public.

TODD: Oh good, how much is it to get an Affidavit of copy of transcript notarized?

FRANK: What’s an Affidavit?

TODD: It is a document you notarize… That’s what Notaries do you know. Do you have a stamp and a Notary commission?

FRANK: I think we have to stand up to this type of harassment. My feelings are hurt!

TODD: Have you filed your Oath and Bond with the county clerk?

FRANK: What’s a bond?

SHIMON: I self-identify as being a sephardic cantor.

TODD: Can you sing me some lines from what you sing in shul?

SHIMON: Oh yeah… (sings very Moroccan sounding Hebrew prayers and sways from side to side.)

TODD: Just out of curiousity, did you start out as a Sephardic cantor, or did you transition into it?

SHIMON: I had to go to school to learn to become a cantor. You can’t “cant” unless you study.

TODD: Did you have to study to become Sephardic?

SHIMON: You kind of have to be born into that, but it’s complicated. To be of a tribe, your affiation is based on the father, but your religion based on the mother.

SHELLIE: What about your sexual identity — is that based on your mother’s lineage or your father’s?

SHIMON: I’ll have to think about that. Have a nice evening and Shalom!

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