MODERATOR: Welcome to the first 2020 Democratic Notary Debate – a “perfect vision” of the future. On tonight’s stage are the top five candidates with the highest polls. We have former Vice President Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, Kamala Harris, and Pete Buttigieg debating with each other tonight. The first opening statement starts with Joe Biden.

JOE BIDEN: Well I want to thank our proud Notary Public for holding this debate. You know, I was talking to my good buddy Barrack the other day. Obama. The last great president, my good friend.

BERNIE SANDERS: Enough already, we know you know the guy.

JOE BIDEN: Everybody is angry these days. When I started out as a Notary we weren’t enemies. The only times we swore was when we were under Oath. I want to bring back that type of civility so we can get signings done.

BERNIE SANDERS: It is unfair that people should have to pay to be notarized. My idea of a stamping device is one that stamps out the millionaires and billionaires from breaking the backs of the 99% who deserve free notary signings. Additionally, I believe it should be free to become a Notary, and free training to know how to become a Notary, and while you’re at it — free chicken soup for everybody.

JOE BIDEN: I could use some of that soup, because you’re making me sick right now.

ELIZABETH WARREN: I’ve got a plan for that. We don’t need free chicken soup in this country. We need to impeach the chicken who’s in The White House who made up a bone spur excuse for getting out of serving his country. At the very least, the excuse could be notarized.

KAMALA HARRIS: When I was a prosecutor, I was putting away crooks left and right. The point being, I know a crook when I see one. This president is the opposite of a credible witness. There is nothing credible about any line that comes out of his mouth. I also believe that bad Notaries who don’t follow proper procedure should be prosecuted. The Notary Profession is a legal support profession, and letting it run haywire is not acceptable.

PETE BUTTIGIEG: As the youngest candidate here, I see a vision for the 2050’s when I’ll as old as the current occupant of The White House.

JOE BIDEN: Stop with the ageism you young whipper snapper.

BERNIE SANDERS: Joe, I hate to tell you, but the fact you used the word whipper snapper makes you sound older, older than me!

PETE BUTTIGIEG: I believe that Notaries should be allowed, or even required to use a rainbow colored Notary seal.

BERNIE SANDERS: Rainbow Shmainbow — when it comes to colors, believe me, I’m color blind. Did you hear that Kamala?

KAMALA HARRIS: You may be color blind, but I’m not color deaf — and yes I did hear that.

JOE BIDEN: Bernie, it sounds to me from that last remark that you are pandering to the black vote. I don’t think my half of my good buddy Barrack Obama would appreciate that — the black half.

BERNIE SANDERS: Well which half is black?

JOE BIDEN: His paternal lineage. His father is Kenyan, remember? Well of course, by being Barrack’s former vice president, I’m very well aware of that.

BERNIE SANDERS: Now, who’s pandering.

PETE BUTTIGIEG: Well, I’m the youngest one here and even I don’t have the energy for this.

ELIZABETH WARREN: I’ve got a plan for that. We’ll get a notarized copy of your birth certificate to see if you even are old enough to run for president.

BERNIE SANDERS: Vital records cannot be notarized, so you might have a problem with that. But, if they could I would make it free!

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