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April 24, 2019

Notaries can get jobs in banks more easily

Filed under: Public Interest — admin @ 10:22 am

If you would like to have more options to work in a bank in any particular capacity, it is easier to get a job at a bank if you are a commissioned Notary Public. Being a Notary Public involves applying to your particular state, in many cases taking a course and passing a test. The rules for becoming a Notary are state specific and change over time so please ask your state or visit your state’s Notary Public information online which generally is on the Secretary of State’s website.

There are lots of documents that might get notarized at a bank. Sometimes banking power of attorney forms need to be notarized. Other times, contracts, affidavits, or other general documents might need to be signed and notarized. Loan documents might need to be signed at a bank and those include Deeds of Trust, Mortgages, Signature Affidavits and many others. It is good to be knowledgeable about the loan signing process if you get involved in loan signing.

It is likely that a bank might want to have multiple Notaries on staff. After all, people call in sick, quit, and take lunch breaks, but the Notary work still must get done.

So, consider becoming a Notary so you can get that bank job you have always dreamed of. And yes, I would like my withdrawal in ones please…

You might also like:

Bank of America Power of Attorney Form
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=21327

Banks need more notaries on staff
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=21153

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March 24, 2019

A list of things you probably forgot to put in your notes section

Filed under: Your Notes Section — Tags: , — admin @ 4:34 am

Most Notaries write a notes section for their listing on 123notary. However, many do not know what to write. Here are some things you should write about. Take this as a check list.

Experience
Write about the types of loans or documents you know how to sign. Write about the type of work you did before you were a Notary or what distinguishes your experience as a notary. How many loans as well as how many years would also help the reader get an idea of what type of experience you have. Read more by clicking the link below…
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19052

Additional Information
Your certifications, courses taken, E&O, background screening, etc., Don’t forget to write about this because people do care.

Equipment
If you have special equipment, portable printers, scanners, fax machines, inverters, etc., people want to read about this. But, don’t put it up top as this is supplemental information. Experience and selling features go up top.

Special Skills
Are you bilingual? Do you visit hospitals or jails? How about a wide radius? Are you on the white glove list somewhere? Do you take credit cares or square? Put this up top as it is a selling feature.

Areas Covered
Your radius, counties or cities covered go at the bottom and there are 12 boxes to put your counties covered which includes your home county. We discourage putting zip codes as the list gets very long and messy and nobody wants to read it.

About You
This is the most misunderstood aspect of notes writing. Most people cannot write about themselves other than a long string of adjectives. Any idiot can write about how responsible and reliable they are and the more they claim these adjectives the less true I find them to be. However, describing yourself with specific facts is more helpful as well as credible. The fact you have an MBA, worked with the elderly at a nursing home for ten years or are ex-military are real facts about you. The fact you triple check your work and have your local FedEx stations memorized is fact vs. fluff.

Catchy Phrases
It is hard for most people to write a catchy phrase, but it can really pay off. People are bored with reading 1000 notes sections that all seem very similar. It sometimes looks like the same person wrote all of the notes sections on Notary Rotary… “I am reliable, background screened and have 50,000 E&O. I have signed many loans and do a lot of refinances.” After you see this a few thousand times you start seeing double. Put something unique and organized for a change. We wrote a few articles (that I linked below) on catchy phrases in notes sections and you should read those.
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14690

Buzzwords to avoid
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19054

You might also like:
Examples of great notes sections
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18862

How to write a notes section
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16698

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December 21, 2018

Beginner Notaries 103 — Contents

Filed under: Technical & Legal — admin @ 12:48 pm

As a beginner Notary, you want to get work, gain contacts, and learn to be a professional at handling all situations. But, how do you learn all this and where do you turn to? We have written many articles on how beginners can get knowledge and work. But, this is a short course on the topic.

Table of Contents

1. What beginner Notaries need to know – http://blog.123notary.com/?p=21108

2. Gaining Knowledge as a Signing Agent – http://blog.123notary.com/?p=21110

3. Marketing your services – http://blog.123notary.com/?p=21114

4. Getting work – http://blog.123notary.com/?p=21116
(signing companies that hire new signers.)

5. Gaining industry knowledge – http://blog.123notary.com/?p=21118
(discuss forums and mentors)

6. Additional reading list – http://blog.123notary.com/?p=21120

7. Advertising on 123notary – http://blog.123notary.com/?p=21127

8. Notary Etiquette – http://blog.123notary.com/?p=21129

.

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December 18, 2018

Beginner Notaries 103 — Getting Work

Filed under: Technical & Legal — admin @ 2:51 am

Chapter 4. Getting Work
Return to table of contents – Beginner Notaries 103

Being a newer Notary, you have to get new contacts, learn new things, and work for whomever will take you. It is typical that you will be micromanaged, have to do a lot of faxing back, get paid poorly or in some cases not at all. This sounds like a horrible ordeal, but it is good because by paying your dues you will get experience. Any Notary who has succeeded had to pay their dues. Some paid more dues than others while a few with good legal contacts avoided the whole low-ball experience.

You need to call the companies who you signed up with regularly. Remind them that you exist and are ready to jump night or day. You can call signing companies, title companies, Attorneys offices, bail bonds offices, hospitals or anyone who needs a Notary. Let them know you are ready to work. You should mention you are a mobile notary on your facebook profile too because you never know who is reading it.

You should have a business card that you can give to your clients, their coworkers, family members, secretaries, etc. Repeat business is a big factor.

You can find signing companies on the signing company lists on 123notary and Notary Rotary. On 123notary our list is free to the public. On Notary Rotary you might need to be a member to see a lot of their information.

Knowing who to contact is half of the battle. The most important factor of getting work is being hungry and ready to please. Those who contact companies and brag about how smart they are are annoying. But, those who are ready to jump, answer the phone at all hours, and never complain are the ones who get jobs. Companies need you to get them out of a bind. If you are always their hero, you will get jobs. If you are always busy, tired, or unresponsive, you might not get jobs.

Once you get jobs, make sure to answer emails promptly and answer phone messages. If you keep people waiting for inquiries, or after service you will not get rehired.

Here is a list of companies that will hire new signers. But, the list was published a few years ago, and things have changed. These companies may or may not even still be in business.

Companies that will hire NEW signers!

Here is our general list of signing companies with reviews
http://www.123notary.com/signco.asp

Visit our forum where you can read about signing companies and more
http://www.123notary.com/forum/default.asp

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December 6, 2018

Jurat – Definition

Filed under: Notary Acts & Certificates — Tags: , , , , — admin @ 10:24 am

A Jurat is a Notary act where the signer or affiant must sign and swear (or affirm), both in the presence of the Notary Public. The signer gets to choose whether they wish to swear under God under Oath or affirm on their honor — both acts are done under the penalty of perjury.

Jurats are the second most common Notary act next to Acknowledgments.

There is no prescribed Oath verbiage, however, the word swear should be used, and there should be a reference to the truthfulness of the document. The Notary could have the affiant raise their right hand and ask, “Do you solemnly swear under God and under the penalty of perjury that this document is true and correct to the best of your knowledge?”

A Jurat also requires a Jurat certificate. And the certificate must confirm to state specific rules and have state specific verbiage. Verbiage differs from state to state, but the language, “Subscribed and sworn to before me by (name) on (date)” is common.

Related Links

Jurat wording step by step
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=7875

What is a Jurat?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=6937

Notary verbiage for Jurats
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=2088

Notary Public Information
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=20075

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Keywords
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Can one jurat cover multiple documents?
Can a jurat be attached to a grant deed?
Do you need a thumbprint on a jurat?
Does signer need to sign a jurat?
Fixing error on a notary jurat
Example of jurat

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November 15, 2018

The Starbucks Oath Question

Filed under: Technical & Legal — Tags: , — admin @ 10:25 am

I created a quiz question for written quizzes about Starbucks. It is a very interesting and caffeinated question. Here it is…

A Notary goes to a signing.

The Affiant asks for an Oath on a document that is an Affidavit that reads, “I love Starbucks.”

The Notary proceeds to attach a Jurat…
and made a statement that was, “Do you solemnly affirm that you are the one who signed this document and that your name is John Smith?”

What did the Notary do wrong?

COMMON RESPONSES

1. Ask for ID?
Many Notaries feel the Notary should ask for ID. It is true that Notaries are responsible for identifying people. However, that is not central to this question and since the document, certificate, and journal entry have not been completed or stamped, that is irrelevant at this point. Unfortunately, Notaries tend to get sidetracked on irrelevant details that are not central to situations while missing very critical points that can get them in trouble. Talking about ID at this point would be going off on a tangent, especially if that is the only thing you mentioned — although in most states you probably would have to identify the signer.

2. Create a journal entry.
Yes, you should ideally create a journal entry. But, that too is not central to the question at hand.

3. The notary used Acknowledgment wording.
I have never heard of a state that makes you take an Oath while doing an Acknowledgment except perhaps that Massachusetts wants to make sure the signer signed on their own free will and makes them make some sort of statement confirming that fact.

4. Make sure the venue has the correct information.
This document has no venue, and Oaths in all states but Florida (not completely sure about this by the way) do not have certificates. Certificates have venues, but if you don’t have a certificate, you don’t have a venue. Oaths once again typically do not have certificates, and therefore do not have venues.

CORRECT RESPONSE

1. The Notary did three things wrong

(a) The Notary added a Jurat when he was asked for an Oath. Although Jurats have Oaths or Affirmations, Oaths do not have Jurats. Humans have diabetes, but diabetes does not have humans. So, please do not assume that an Oath has a Jurat. An Oath can be done as an independent notary act, and most Notaries don’t know this because they do not read up on Notary tutorials, nor do they ever do Oaths as independent acts. In fact, most Notaries do not do Oaths as part of Jurats either — they just skip over it and assume nobody will notice, or they think that filling out the subscribed and sworn written verbiage is the actual Oath (which is not true because Oaths are verbal by definition.) An Oath is a purely verbal act, however, in Jurats there is a written documentation that accompanies and documents the verbal act.

(b) The Notary gave an Affirmation when he was asked to administer an Oath which is bad for two reasons — one, because the notary did not do what he was asked and, two, because the notary CHOSE the Notary act on behalf of the signer which you are not allowed to do. Only the signer or client can choose the Notary act. So, what the Notary did looks like it is bad service, but also illegal.

(c) The statement the notary made was about the signature and the name of the affiant, but not about the content of the document. The Affiant asked for an Oath on their document, so therefore, the Oath should be made purely on the content of the document.

“Do you solemnly swear that this document is true and correct to the best of your knowledge so help you God?” — would be okay.

“Do you solemnly swear that you love Starbucks? — is paraphrasing and is okay assuming you don’t butcher the statement in any way that detracts from the logic of the statement.

“Do you solemnly swear that you love Starbucks, so help you the Starbucks Goddess.” — if you are politically correct and have multiple choice for what divine entity you want to swear to, you might be able to get away with this one. Read your state notary handbook and see if they allow swearing to the Starbucks Goddess, or as I call her — The Goddess of Caffeine.

“Please raise your right espresso…” (fill in the rest according to your imagination.)

.

You might also like:

Notary Starbucks – charging for waiting time while sipping Sumatra
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18926

The Starbucks Signing in the 30 point course
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14291

Airplane meals versus Notary Oaths & Affirmations
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19549

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August 3, 2018

Notarization for an exorcism

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 8:31 am

A Notary was called in to notarize an exorcism. He was asked if he had experience notarizing exorcisms and he said he did not, but asked, “Will I be notarizing the spirit, the person who was possessed, or the priest?” The priest who was hiring the notary said that he would have to swear under Oath to a statement. The Notary agreed to come. Meanwhile the Notary was going through a mid-life crisis. He was trying to find that happy medium between work and play, because working all day made Jack the Notary a dull semi-balding middle-aged boy.

The lady who was possessed was named Chelle. She exhibited signs of dual personality disorder (which is better than my last girlfriend who suffered from no personality disorder). One minute she would be Chelle and would be very nice and accommodating. The next minute Gertrude would take over and do mean things to people. It was so out of character.

On June 5th, the Notary showed up.

PRIEST: We are gathered here to witness this unholy union of inhabiting spirit and human to be broken. Do you solemnly take this uninvited spirit to no longer be your lawfully wedded possessor?

CHELLE: I do.

PRIEST: Do you, spirit, take this lady to be your lawfully unwedded possessee and agree to get out of her immediately? Notice to quit with a three second grace period.

SPIRIT: Do I have a choice?

PRIEST: Not really. If you don’t come out, I’ll summon in the angels and then you’ll really have had it.

NOTARY: Oh, you know how to talk to spirits!!!

PRIEST: (sarcastically) Only the bad ones!

CHELLE: So, what do I do now?

PRIEST: Just wait there. Now, what is that damn spirit doing hovering up there?

SPIRIT: Me, I’m just coming out of my Chelle (pronounced shell).

PRIEST: I’ve heard it all now. Now, Notary. Please administer an Oath on this verbal statement that says, “I hereby declare that Chelle has been ridden of spirit possession, so help me God.”

NOTARY: Okay, raise your right hand.

PRIEST: My right hand is raised.

NOTARY: Do you solemnly swear that the statement you are about to make is true and correct?

PRIEST: I do.

NOTARY: I pronounce you notarized.

PRIEST: But, I didn’t make the statement yet under Oath. I told you the statement I was going to make but did not make it when we had our hands raised.

NOTARY: Sorry, I don’t do Oaths, I only do Refinances.

PRIEST: Every refinance I’ve ever seen had at least three Oaths. The signature affidavit, occupancy affidavit and identity affidavit. Don’t you do oaths on these?

NOTARY: Nobody checks.

PRIEST: Do you want to get reported to the Secretary of State for refusal to administer acts that Notaries are legally responsible for administering to the public?

NOTARY: Oh, are you theatening me? You’re being rude.

PRIEST: (ring ring…) Hi, Secretary of State? A Notary named Jack Tripper… he refused to correctly administer an Oath to me for a verbal statement. Can you decommission him?

SOS: Could you send us an email with his name, commission # and expiration date?

PRIEST: I will.

SOS: Do you swear?

PRIEST: I not only swear but affirm.

NOTARY: Well, I may not know how to administer Oaths correctly, but I found my happy medium — you. You are happy and can talk to spirits. That makes you a happy medium.

PRIEST: No – I’m an angry medium because you messed up my exorcism by not doing your fricking job — idiot!!!! I have no formal record of what happened unless you follow proper procedure.

NOTARY: Take it easy man… wow this guy is uptight!

(a few days later, the NOTARY goes to the secretary of state’s office.)

NOTARY: I am here to turn myself in.

SOS: For what?

NOTARY: Wait a second, how did I get here, what am I doing here?

SOS: Excuse me?

NOTARY: My name is Gertrude. I am a spirit possessing this body. I witnessed Jack (the dull boy) doing an improper Notarization and I wish to report him, or me, well actually him, but I am temporarily in his body until we get this issue resolved. My uncle Binkelthorp died because a Notary filled out a medical power of attorney wrong and I want revenge on all bad Notaries.

SOS: So, let me get this straight. You want to report yourself for committing Notarial malpractice?

NOTARY: No, not myself. I have only been in this body for 24 hours. The regular soul’s name is Jack, and although physically he looks exactly like how I look in front of you, his soul is the rightful custodian of this body and his soul is the one who committed Notarial malpractice. Just quiz him on Oath procedure and I’ll jump out of his body while he does it.

SOS: This sounds crazy but here goes. Please administer an Oath to me for a document that says, I committed Notarial fraud.

NOTARY: Um… I don’t understand the question.

SOS: Do you not know how to administer an Oath? That is one of your powers as a state commissioned Notary Public and you will lose your license if you don’t know how to do it.. How many years have you been a Notary?

NOTARY: Duh…

SOS: Okay, I am having your commission suspended, revoked, and terminated, and contacting the priest to get a statement about how you refused a member of the public for service — which is a crime. As a Notary Public, you are required to perform any legal request for a Notary act for any member of the public who has identified themselves properly and is in front of you. Otherwise you would be a Notary Private if you select the customer or which jobs you are willing to do.

NOTARY: I can’t believe this is happening. But, I’ve been a Notary for 20 years, and therefore must know what I’m doing.

SOS: You have clearly demonstrated that you have no idea what you are doing. You must have been sleeping for 20 years. If you were a brand new Notary, I might have you attend a class, but you have demonstrated a complete lack of respect for lawfulness. Let me get the priest on the phone who you disserved.

PRIEST: Hello, priest service. Jim speaking.

SOS: Hi, this is Frank at the Secretary of State’s office. We have a Notary named Gertrude who is also Jack. One of his personalities reported him to us for Notarial malpractice on you while you were doing some sort of an exorcism. Is that correct?

PRIEST: Correct.

SOS: It looks like you might have committed malpractice on the exorcism by allowing this spirit to inhabit this poor excuse of a Notary.

PRIEST: I neither allowed it nor discouraged it. Wandering spirits like to inhabit the bodies of the weak-willed. People who don’t take care of their health, mind, spirit, or in this case, their obedience towards proper Notary procedure.

SOS: Good point. In any case, did this Notary refuse to administer an Oath to you after you had appeared before him… or her.. and produced acceptable identification?

PRIEST: He most certainly did, and he was a he when I saw him… before Gertrude entered the picture… or the body… or exited one body and came into the other body.

SOS: We could use someone like Gertrude to clean up the Notary industry.

PRIEST: Umm, I’m not so sure that is a good idea. Gertrude can be very vindictive. She is considered to be bad news.

SOS: Yes, but that means she will help us convict bad Notaries because she suffered a horrible loss due to a bad Notary two decades ago and she wants revenge.

PRIEST: Oh… well, in that case, two wrongs make a right I guess. As a man of the cloth, I will have to stay out of this. We don’t like to be involved in anything punitive or vindictive — we leave that up to the holy father — he can be very punitive at times. That’s why I carry a lightening rod wherever I go — I keep it in the trunk. You never know when you’ll need it.

SOS: I’ve heard it all now. Hey Jack… We are sending you to Notary jail, fining you $1500 and revoking your commission. What do you think about that?

NOTARY: Ummm. But, I’ve been a Notary for 20 years and never had a problem.

SOS: You had plenty of problems, but the people you were working for didn’t know the difference — that is how you got away with it so long.

PRIEST: Looks like someone needs an exorcism by the way, not that I am using this misfortune as a way to get a new client.

GERTRUDE: I’ll go on my own. I have some other Notaries to possess.

PRIEST: And by the way… Here’s my card. I also do weddings and Bar Mitzvahs.

SOS: Bar Mitzvahs??? Aren’t you a priest?

PRIEST: In my neighborhood, its the only way to keep busy… Besides, what they don’t know won’t kill them.

SOS: Hold on, let me call 411. Hey, what’s the number for the Secretary of State Rabbi Division? I think I need to report someone.

THE END

You might also like:

The curse of the Notary mummy
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19918

Donnie Wahlburg and the Notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22199

Notary Psychic Tarot Card Reading
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19126

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March 31, 2018

Scenarios. The Chad question revisited

Filed under: Loan Signing 101 — admin @ 12:18 am

When I ask the Chad question to Notaries, I reword it sometimes to give some diversity the question (If wanted diversity why am I using a name like “Chad?”) The main point of the question is that I give instructions, divert the conversation with some other commentary about the situation, and then put the Notary in a situation where they will have to regurgitate the instructions.

Instructions:
Chad says, “If there is a problem, call me and only me. If I don’t answer, send me an email.” (Sometimes I say text or leave a message.)

You get to the signing. Jesse is the signer. You arrive at 11am. Jesse signs half the documents, but refuses to sign the flood disclosure until he can talk to someone. You call Chad. Chad does not answer. What do you do now?

Wrong Answers

1. You complete the signing and inform the borrower about their three day right to rescind. Of course, not all signings are refinances on personal properties, so there might not be a right to rescind. Commentary: This is not a bad way to proceed, but it is not following directions. Chad will fire you.

2. You call Title because that is what you normally do and it makes sense. Commentary: Yes, that makes sense and ordinarily you should call all contacts that you can call. However, your instructions were to call Chad and only Chad. Chad will fire you if you divert from exact instructions.

3. You leave the signing. Commentary: Bad idea. You need to give Chad a little time to get back to you. How much time is reasonable can vary. I would allow sixty minutes total for an appointment as a general rule. I would allow twenty minutes for a call back as a general rule. Give Chad a chance to call you back, and send him that email and leave a text too.

Correct Answer
Chad asked you to send him an email, so send him an email and do not call anyone else because he is the one paying you and told you not to. Doing what you are told will gain you many repeat clients. Disobeying them the minute they ask you to do something that you do not normally do, or something that doesn’t make sense to you, can get you fired. Just because an instruction doesn’t make sense to you doesn’t mean it does not make sense to the person giving it to you. If you don’t like an instruction, take that up with your boss at the moment the instruction is given, and not at the moment you wish to disobey the instruction. However, if Chad tells you to do something illegal as a Notary, you cannot and should not obey him. A Notary obeys the law first and then their client. If there is a conflict of interest between client and law, side with the law. If there is a conflict between client and best practices, side with best practices as a safety precaution for the Notary.

.

You might also like:

Following directions is more important than you think.
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19608

Marcy overlooks the instructions in the 30 point course.
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14379

The green pen question revisited.
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=20146

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August 27, 2017

How many journal entries do you use for two signers on three documents?

Filed under: Journals — Tags: , — admin @ 11:51 pm

Many states don’t require a journal. However, your journal is your only evidence if you are investigated. As a Notary, for every 3000 Notary appointments (not acts) you do, you will probably be investigated once based on my personal experience. If fraud is involved on anybody’s part and you don’t have a journal entry, you will have no evidence and could be pulled into court for weeks which would result in your loss of income.

Additionally, we recommend the use of thumbprints in your journal for all critical notarizations, especially those involving Power of Attorney documents Living Wills, or Deeds affecting real estate. It only takes a few seconds to thumbprint someone. A thumbprint cannot be faked, but ID can, so you have no reason not to take thumbprints, and plenty of security related reasons to do so. NNA sells inkless thumbprinters for about $15.

If your state doesn’t require journals, use one anyway for your protection.

Back to the question. If there are TWO signers and THREE documents, you will need SIX journal entries. One per document per signer. What some Notaries do is they create one journal entry per signer and then indicate a list of all the notarized documents they signed. This is wrong and perhaps illegal. Not only is it bad to only create one journal entry per signer, but you might forget to add a document, or if there are cross outs after the fact it will look very sketchy.

However, you don’t need to write all of the info for each journal entry. The signer’s name, address, and ID information can be copied by putting a down arrow or “ditto” quotation marks. However, legally, the signer needs to sign for each document that is notarized and the name of the document, date, time, and type of notary act needs to be indicated for each document.

Additionally, there is an “additional notes” section of each journal entry near the right. If the building looks unusual you can take notes about the building. If the signer is acting weird or looks weird or has a tattoo on his neck or anything else unusual, you should write that in your journal to jog your memory if you ever have to go to court.

I did about 7000 Notary appointments and they all became a blurr to me. The only people I remember were Gary, the guy who blew up his apartment while experimenting with explosives (not a good idea) and a Korean lady who had me notarize the sales of her massage parlors (she paid cash). I also remember Dr. Kwak (pronounced Dr. Quack) who was an acupuncturist. I vaguely remember an impatient rich guy who lived in West Hollywood, did business deals in his pajamas, and played golf. And of course Mr. Yee the Attorney who had me do all of the Health Care Directives each with 80 pages of which I embossed every single page every single time to be prudent.

So, the moral of the story is that if you don’t know how to use your journal like a pro, the NNA has tutorials that you can purchase, and they are highly recommended as they could keep you out of court (or jail.) Or both!

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You might also like:

What entities might want to see your journal?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=20902

NNA – what every notary needs to know about notary journals
https://www.nationalnotary.org/notary-bulletin/blog/2014/10/what-every-notary-needs-to-know-about-journals

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April 5, 2017

Do you know your Federal holidays?

Filed under: Loan Signing 101 — admin @ 8:08 am

Many Notaries are a little rusty on Federal holidays. Plus, a few of the Federal holidays are a little bit complicated to understand. Here are the 2017 holiday schedules. There are ten Federal holidays in all.

Jan 1 — New Year’s Day
Jan 16 — Martin Luther King, Jr.
Feb 20 — Washington’s Birthday
May 29 — Memorial Day
July 4 — Independence Day

Sept 4 — Labor Day
Oct 9 — Columbus Day
Nov 10 — Veterans Day
Nov 23 — Thanksgiving Day
Dec 25 — Christmas Day

New Year’s Day When we ask people to name a holiday in January, most people omit to answer New Year’s Day as it feels like it is celebrated more in the end of December — but, that is New Year’s eve which is not a Federal holiday.

Martin Luther King Day Then we have MLK day. If we celebrated holidays in chronological order, Columbus Day would come before MLK day. We would have a day commemorating when slavory in the new world was originated, when it ended, and when civil rights began to be recognized. But, we have our holidays in inverse chronological order with MLK day, then Lincoln’s Birthday and then finally Columbus Day. Martin Luther King, Jr. was the most famous civil rights activist in America. He had a dream about people finally treating each other fairly for once. The Twitter MLK had a dream where people would be judged each other by the content of their 140 characters, and not the color of their link(s). I had a dream too, and then my alarm clock went off.

Washington’s Birthday is the most misunderstood of holidays. The reason being that it is also informally called President’s day. The holiday is based on a merging of Washington’s and Lincoln’s birthdays as celebrating both was just too much. Incidentally, Washington’s birthday is an optimal day to get a discount on a Sealy mattress. If your mattress is more than eight years old — it’s time to replace! Without George Washington or someone like him, we might still be a colony and have to pay a 3% tax to the British without having any representation.

Memorial Day: The holiday I always forget is Memorial Day. Perhaps, we should call it forgetial day. Independence Day is always fun, but it feels more like Afghanistan with all of the fireworks going off and car alarms. I guess that is what the revolution felt like — but, our flag (and my hubcaps) was still there, and that is the main thing.

Labor Day (pronounced “Lay-bDay” in Boston) must be popular with the union folks, but Notaries don’t get enough credit for their labor, especially with all of the micromanaging and fax backs. If Notaries were in charge, we would have Fax Back day, where we burn fax backs in a parade and then stomp on the embers. Sounds like something they would do in Iraq.

Columbus Day (not popular in the Lakota reservation) is the day we celebrate how — in 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue and Italians named our country! Vikings discovered America in the 1100’s, but didn’t get much if any credit in history books while Siberians “discovered” American accidentally while hunting caribou in 28,000 BC. and appropriately named it, “The sheet of ice to the East.”

Columbus committed acts of genocide on native peoples and forced many indiginous peple into slavery not to mention forced conversions to Christianity. Personally, I think that Columbus Day should more accurately be called, “The White Man Day.” Columbus had many goals such as the pursuit of gold, and geographical knowledge that would lead to the subjugation of the Americas for economic gain through colonialism, a trade route for African slaves, sugar, and tobacco. How progressive!

GINO: “Hey, we a named a your country — capiche?”

JOHN: “Oh, cool. What did you name it?”

GINO: “A- MER-ica!!!!!”

JOHN: “Oh, I didn’t know that.”

Veteran’s Day is a day we remember Veterans, but they very rarely have the opportunity to sign a VA loan on their own holiday.

Thanksgiving is a much nicer holiday. We gave thanks to the American Indians in Massachusetts for teaching us how to plant corn and survive in a cold and unfamiliar ecosystem. Subsequently, 96% of East Coast Native Americans died of diseases courtesy of European immigrants. What about the remaining 4%?

Black Friday is thought of by Notaries as a holiday because nobody works on Black Friday. However, it is officially a working day according to the government. HOWEVER, it is up to the Lender if they include Black Friday as a day to rescind or not. Half of Lenders do not county Black Friday in the three day period and treat it more like a Sunday.White Saturday is the day when people eat leftovers (generally white breast meat) and should be renamed, “Leftover day.”

Christmas, the most commercial holiday of the year is a day that hardly anyone works and is an official Federal Holiday. People normally take the 24th off as well, although it is technically a working day. If you call Notaries on the 24th, they will turn down work on account that they are baking cookies or spending time with the grandchildren.

If the Lakota Nation could name a holiday, they would call it “Broken Treaty Day” where broken treaties that the USA and native people’s made were systematically broken on a whim. What’s the point of having a treaty if you don’t abide by it?

Anyway, now we know our ABC’s, how America was discovered, the kinds of unfriendly behavior the early colonialists engaged in, how we thanked the Indians, how people got their civil rights, how we eat leftover turkey, and how we bake cookies in rememberance of our savior and lord from Nazereth while declining Notary calls. The end!

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