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January 20, 2011

Safe notarizing is like safe sex. Don’t have unprotected notarizations!

Filed under: Best Practices — admin @ 1:04 am

Can you imagine that Florida’s FAQ page forbids Notaries from requiring a journal thumbprint? The thumbprint is the one piece of evidence that can nail an identity thief and is the most compelling evidence to prove that the Notary is not in cahutz with the ring of identity thieves as well. You are protecting yourself as well as society. So, why would Florida want you to endanger everybody?

India does not require people to have seatbelts, but if you don’t use a seatbelt in India, you might end up going through a windshield onto the other side of the highway and end up with a skull fracture. The fact that India doesn’t require seatbelts doesn’t make it any more safe to go without using one.

A thumbprint is to notarizing what an airbag & seatbelt is to safe driving.
Proper identification practices like making sure the name on the document is provable based on the name on the identification document is just like wearing a seatbelt. For the most part, you don’t get into accidents. You will probably not be in a serious accident in your entire life. But, it is possible that you or a family member will be in a bad accident, and if you aren’t wearing your seat belt at that exact instant when the accident happens, you could end up dead. Not taking a journal thumbprint is like not having an airbag. If you notarize 10,000 people without incident and then customer 10,001 happens to be an identity thief, it is the thumbprint that will help the authorities catch him. If you don’t keep a thumbprint, you could end up named as a suspect in a law suit, be a witness in a long law suit and you don’t get paid for sitting in court, etc.

Heterosexual AIDS is rare in the USA, but exists.
When you have intercourse, if you sleep around, some people have diseases. You cannot know who is having an outbreak or who has a disease. People who are smart, either abstain from sleeping with people who they don’t have a serious relationship with, or use protection. It is rare in America that you would have the misfortune of having intercourse with someone hetersexual who is not an introvenous drug user who has AIDS, but it could happen in the heterosexual community. You might sleep with 10,000 heterosexuals and feel safe because nothing bad happened so far. But, with person 10,001, that person might have AIDS and give it to you. This is why you should keep a thumbprint, otherwise you might get the notarial equivalent of AIDS which is being a witness or suspect in a lengthy and expensive law suit regarding identity theft.

15% of full-time Notaries will end up in court
Identity theft is rampant, but as a full-time Notary, you only have a roughly 15% of ever appearing before a judge or being part of any serious investigation — and that is during your career and not during any particular career. Although I have met a few Notaries who have appeared before judges twice or been investigated three times. Maybe that is their karma.

Don’t have unprotected notarizations.
What you have to understand is that when you notarize someone, you are not just notarizing them. You are notarizing them, and anyone they’ve been notarized by, and anyone they’ve been notarized by has notarized, and so on and so on. If any of them are an identity thief, you could end up with AITS (the notarial equivalent of AIDS) which is acquired identity theft syndrome. The proper use of thumbprints reduces the risk of AITS to almost zero. So, use a thumbprint and be safe. Don’t have unprotected notarizations!

Safe notarizing! Because certain things weren’t meant to be shared!
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13 ways to get sued as a Notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19614

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January 18, 2011

What Do Personal Injury Lawyers Do for Their Clients?

Filed under: Other Guest Bloggers — Tags: — admin @ 10:20 pm

What Do Personal Injury Lawyers Do for Their Clients?

There is a large list of issues that require the assistance of law. So many that one lawyer can’t master how to deal in each of them. That’s how the concept of different lawyers for different types of cases came into being. One of the most widely seen issues in the United States is personal injury. So the need for personal injury lawyers was inevitable. Personal injury lawyers help people get their due right from the opposite party or insurance company when they face an accident. However, there is a lot more to the job then what a common man sees. Here I’ve shared all necessary actions taken by a personal injury lawyers for their clients.

Educates You About Your Rights
They always start with educating you about the rights you have in the matter under discussion. They are lawyers who have spent years practicing this field of law. As most clients don’t understand the depth of the situation, lawyers start by explaining how the law works. You will learn about your rights reserved by the law and your responsibilities. Once you understand the situation, you would know better if you are at right or wrong and if you should pursue that case. This education helps you make an informed decision.

Investigates the Case
Not many people know but good lawyers have to investigate the case to fully understand it. For this purpose, many lawyers visit the place of accident and discuss the incident with witnesses to form a theory on how the accident took place. Many law firms hire professionals like former police officers to investigate the case for them.

Calculates the Damages
Most people that don’t have a lot of experience of personal injury cases calculate the cost of only immediate damages. Professional personal injury lawyers have a better sense of assessment in this case due to their experience. They will calculate things like the time you had to take off from your office due to injuries, incident’s mental impact on you, harassing phone calls from bill collectors in addition to the vehicle repair and other costs. They will get you enough reimbursement that you won’t feel if the accident impacted your life in any way.

Deals with Oppositions
There is a possibility that your insurance company may pay you the due right without any issues. On the other hand, you may have to fight more than one parties in the court who might be asking you to pay for all the damages. According to lawyers at Davis Law Group, Seattle personal injury attorneys, you won’t really need a lawyer in the first case; however, things get complicated when more than one parties are involved.

Fights the Case in Court
No man without a law background can fight a case in the court against a professional lawyer. They have a lot more than just knowledge of the law. Their practice allows them to understand the situation, your mentality, and answer to every question before you tell it. You will see them using tricks to get you to say things that would weaken your case. It is said that things can get very ugly in the courtroom – they said the truth. Lawyers might even attack your personal life to make you lose temper. To beat this experience, you need another professional of the same caliber.

Please also see:
Olympia Injury Lawyers

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January 13, 2011

The journals with check boxes? What does Jeremy say?

Filed under: Journals — admin @ 11:27 pm

Don’t use it!
Any time you check a box rather than writing something in by hand, you are risking making a mistake. You are dealing with legal documents here. Being a Notary is not the same as working for the circus. The consequences for a mistake could end you up in court.

Additionally, many document names have variations. If you check the box for an Errors and Omissions document where the real name is Errors and Omissions Compliance Agreement, you did not reference the correct document.

The more serious problem with check boxes is that many Notaries feel that the laws affecting proper journal filling procedure suddently change the minute you use the check box journal. Many Notaries feel you no longer have to obey the one document per entry law or principle. Not true! The principle is still the same. The signer or borrower has to sign for each journal entry and for each document in a separate journal entry — no exceptions and don’t cry about how much longer it will take you. You are Notaries, not clowns!

My suggestion is to use the regular NNA soft cover Official Journal of Notarial Acts. It is good for any type of Notary act, has room for a thumbprint, notes about the signer, room for credible witnesses, etc. It was all I ever needed and I went through about six dozen in my career.

I first saw a real journal with check boxes recently when Carmen showed me hers. She fills hers out by hand instead of checking boxes by the way (which is correct). However, the journal doesn’t mention that many choices of documents (only about 18) so if yours is a variation on a name of a document or not on the list you still need to write it by hand. The check boxes only encourage bad bookkeeping. So, no more check boxes. We don’t like it. It is not professional, safe or a good practice!

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You might also like:

Notary Public 101 – Journals
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19511

Do Notary Journals need to be kept under lock and key?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=2461

What are Jeremy’s favorite blog entries?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18837

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January 12, 2011

Why keep a journal? Don’t wait until you get a call from the FBI.

Filed under: Journals — Tags: , , , , — admin @ 11:31 pm

I have the worst time talking to Notaries in NJ, NY and Florida. They have the worst attitude. The minute ask them a journal quesiton the answer is usually — my state doesn’t require me to keep a journal. I have heard this so many times I just want to throw them off my site just for saying that. I am so upset, that I have decided to have formal standards on 123notary for what we require in our jurisdiction online. Journals will be one of the requirements.

When you are:
Investigated for fraud that you notarized
In court or
Need to look up a former transaction for some reason

Your journal is your only recourse. If you don’t keep a journal, you will not be able to answer to investigators. A journal thumbprint is sometimes the only way the FBI can catch an identity thief. If you don’t keep one because your state doesn’t require it, then you are empowering identity thiefs. Florida’s FAQ page states that they don’t want Notaries to require a thumbprint. That is like asking parents not to require their children to wear a seatbelt. When your child comes home with a fractured jaw, you will change the way you look at this “requirement.”

I was investigated three times.

#1. An investigator suspected an elderly couple of being ripped off. I told him I found the transaction in my journal and had a thumbprint. He said, “Investigation over.” I was off the hook because I kept good records.

#2 A routine inquiry with a journal entry copied and sent to the inuirer.

#3. Someone copied my seal using a xerox machine and pretended to be me. I looked in my journal and found the exact day when the crime was committed. I did a few other jobs that day, but not the job in question. The handwriting on the acknowledgment didn’t match mine either and they did not do the cross outs or use an embosser. Having a journal saved my neck. How can you not keep one?

Another story was that a shady guy wanted to be notarized by me. I told him that I required a thumbprint. The guy protested but I stood my ground. He declined and found another Notary. I detered a potential fraud from happening and it was easy. NNA sells thumbprinters for about $16. Buy a few. It is your best protection.

NNA teaches proper journal filling technique. Learn from them. They teach Notary knowledge better than anyone else.

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What entities might want to see your journal?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=20902

Notary Public 101 – Journals
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19511

How many journal entries if you have 2 signers each signing 3 documents.
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19391

Notary Public 101 – Identification
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19507

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Notary Jail

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Humorous Posts,Popular on Facebook (very) — Tags: — admin @ 12:00 pm

WARDEN: Welcome to Notary Jail — Don’t drop the embosser!
It’s time for mug shots. Turn to the right and say “scilicit” — that’s a notary term. You would know that if you read your Notary handbook. And by the way, selling your notary seal on eBay, was it really worth it?

NOTARY: Hey, I got paid $800 for it. I was in a pinch and needed the money.

WARDEN: Well you won’t have to worry about being behind on rent here!

I think that I am the first person to come up with this concept. Notary jail. Where Notaries go when they’ve been bad. But, most Notaries have been bad, they just didn’t get caught because their secretary of state’s don’t bother to enforce a single law. What is the point of having laws if you don’t enforce them?

Oath Omissions
If you forget to administer an Oath you should be sent to Notary jail and get booked. The first thing they will do is thumbprint you in their journal. Then, they will ask you if you take journal thumbprints. If you say, “My state doesn’t require that.” Then they will put you in solitary confinement. After all, an innocent person could be scammed out of everything they own and the culprit could run free simply because you didn’t take a thumbprint.

ID-ing
If you didn’t ID someone correctly, then a cell in the insane ward would be in order. Since you let John Smith sign as John W Smith, you will also not mind being around five people who are sure that they are Abraham Lincoln.

Loose Certificates
And then there are the people who don’t fill in certificates properly or send loose certificates in the mail. Tisk tisk. The staff at Notary jail will goof on your jail paperwork if you do that and you’ll be in for a long time.

Jail Food?
Oh, and the food at Notary jail? Embossed flat bread sandwiches. You get that nice raised seal embossed pattern on every bite. Then they have a breakfast cereal called frosted mini-seals. Oh, and one more thing. They have soap shaped like a Notary seal. But, don’t drop the soap (or don’t drop the seal.)

Entertainment at Notary jail involves watching television documentaries on the notary profession and NNA how to materials. When they run out of sleeping pills, they have written Notary materials for you to study. The yard outside is shaped like a giant notary seal. You get an hour of outside time per day.

Notary Questions
And if they ask Notary questions in Notary jail, don’t talk back to the guards like you normally do to Jeremy. Just answer questions the way they were asked and you might get time off for good behavior.

Conclusion
In real life, the Notaries who end up in jail are those who committed fraud involving real property. Trying to steal someone’s property and put it in someone else’s name using your Notary commission is the worst crime you can commit.

Then there are the cases where fraud happens that is not the Notary’s fault. Perhaps if the Notary had been more careful filling out the certificates or journal entries it would be easier to prove what happened. But, in such cases, the notary ends up in court, not jail.

If you do end up in Notary jail, you might bump into a few of your Mortgage Broker clients. On the other hand, they have their own jail — Mortgage Jail.

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Can a Notary go to jail for Notary fraud?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=21353

Putting jails and hospitals into your notes section
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19266

Go to jail but DO collect $100
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15361

Find a notary who goes to Twin Towers Jail and other Los Angeles Prisons
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=21349

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Notary Respect

Filed under: Ken Edelstein — Tags: , — admin @ 1:30 am

Notary Respect
“When you arrive at the building, please use the service entrance.” That was the closing sentence from a client for an assignment in a midtown Manhattan office building. I called, and made it quite clear that was not the way I would proceed. “I do not use the back door; I am a commissioned office of the State Department of the State of New York on official business. I do not use the messenger or pizza delivery entrance. If you will kindly confirm to me that a pass will be waiting for me in the main lobby, I will be able to confirm your appointment”.

The above was yesterday. The client did assure me that a building security pass, at the normal entrance would be waiting for me. It was. Even though I carried a large bag with my fingerprinting supplies, I was directed to the elevator without incident. The assignment also included notarization; though both require my standing as a notary to establish ID.

This evening I had a title company call with a refinance. The location was nearby and they readily agreed to my fee. The assignment was for the next day, a Saturday. “The borrower has an early flight and would like you on location at 6AM.” Gulp, that will cost you an additional $50 as it would require me to wake at 5AM. “Why – $50 more, it’s not that you are likely to have some other conflicting appointment scheduled.” My only reply, censoring what I wanted to say was “Thank You for calling, find someone else”. Clearly my loss of sleep had no value to them, but it certainly does to me.

Chances are you are polite and respectful to callers and clients. However, not all callers are respectful to us. I found the position taken by the 6AM job caller disrespectful. To me that warrants an abrupt, but polite – end to the conversation. Sometimes our clients can be a bit unreasonable. At the door I heard large dogs growling and snarling. I like dogs, and usually have no concern about them. But, at this location they seemed very aggressive, not the “I like you” kind, that want some attention. I asked that the dogs be placed in a different room prior to entering. “My dogs are always free, enter or not; it’s your choice.” Away I went.

Do you have dignity? It’s rather a shock to me to have to ask the question. Of course you do, but do you demand respect both for yourself and your office as a notary? I have been asked, on a signing to literally “sit in the corner till you are required”. I’m not furniture. “He’s “just” the notary”, superfluous condescending word “just”. More accurately: He is the Notary. Even if you have a low self image, project the status and honor (yes honor) of your profession and office.

I’m not talking about being pompous and acting superior. Folks at the signing table are not expected to stand when you enter the room. You are an integral and necessary part of our legal system. A document can become evidence in court – because of your certification. We are the front line troops defending against and eliminating much fraud. There is a long and honorable history behind our roles as notaries. Our impartiality and objectivity define us.

Respect, just like trust; has to be earned. One way we earn trust is being sworn under oath to uphold our state’s laws. Respect is a bit more difficult to earn. Snide and demeaning comments as: “just a notary” must be immediately and politely voiced objections. When you dress, act, and practice your profession honorably; the respect you deserve will generally be forthcoming.

.

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January 11, 2011

How is Property Divided in a Las Vegas Divorce?

Filed under: Other Guest Bloggers — admin @ 11:03 pm

Divorcing in Las Vegas may be a bit different from what you are accustomed to, especially if you have moved here from another state. The first thing that we must mention is the fact that Nevada, the home of Las Vegas, is a community property state.

Basically, this means that each of the two parties involved in a divorce owns 50% of the debts and assets that have been acquired during the marriage.

Naturally, during a divorce, these debts and assets will be distributed equally between the two spouses. However, there are some cases in which the community property can be divided unequally, usually in case of a prenuptial agreement, or of a marital dissolution settlement agreement.

In the following paragraphs, we’ll show you exactly how property is divided in Las Vegas, so that you know what you are entitled to when you file for a divorce.

What is Community Property?
As mentioned above, community property is the property that’s equally owned by each spouse. All of the property that has been acquired by any of the parties during the marriage is labeled as community property, with the exception of a prenuptial agreement between the two parties which states otherwise, or when the court issues a contrary ruling, or if a property is labeled as separate and owned by one of the parties.

What Rights Do the Partners Have in Terms of Community Property?
In the case of a divorce, neither of the two partners may leave in their will more than one-half of the so-called community property. Moreover, they cannot give away that property as a gift, for example, without the other party’s consent. Naturally, the partners cannot sell any real estate that is classified as community property either, unless both parties sign the contract or deed.

Cases When Property May Be Divided Unequally
Usually, all community property is equally split in a divorce. However, there are some cases when this rule does not apply. For example, when there is a prenuptial agreement that states the division of property if the couple enters into an agreement regarding the distribution of their property, or when the court finds one of the spouses to have secreted or wasted community assets.

Separate Property in Las Vegas
As the naming implies, separate property is the property controlled or owned by only one of the two partners. Naturally, the other partner has no right to control it. Separate property is usually the property that was owned by one of the partners before marriage, or that was acquired while the two were married via inheritance, gift, or award for personal injury.

The Bottom Line
In short, the two things that you must keep in mind are the community and separate property. If you know the difference between the two, as well as who owns what, you will have no surprises when the court divides your property during a divorce.
Also, keep in mind that there are some cases in which separate property can become community property. Moreover, domestic partnerships are still under the influence of community property rights, because the couple must register as domestic partners.

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The Pile of Poo Divorce

Filed under: Ken Edelstein — Tags: , , , , — admin @ 10:33 am

The lady calls with a common request. She has some divorce documents that need to be notarized. I ask the usual screening questions. Who is signing? What ID do they have? How many signatures need to be notarized? Mobile notaries with a few years of experience become quite good at sensing trouble ahead. This assignment felt wrong. The lady was evasive with my initial questioning, changing her answers several times. It was a judgment call for me to make as to granting her an appointment. Her plea as to the urgency “it has to be submitted to the court tomorrow morning”; caused me to agree to meet with her. But, with a large amount of “doubt”, my meeting would be a location near to me. She agreed, we would meet in an hour.

She had spoken of needing two signatures notarized. Somehow, that became eight signatures. Four for her and four for the other party to the divorce. It’s a common misunderstanding, the number to be notarized vs the number of people being notarized. However, having been in this situation many times I was sure that she understood when we spoke on the phone. Going from two to eight is not the end of the world. And, she had readily agreed to meet at a place of my convenience. So, I asked to see what needed the eight notarizations. Unlike many of my meetings, this was to be cash, due to little travel being required. First thing, even prior to showing me a single document she wanted to pay. That really caused my “trouble ahead” bells to ring. Declining the offered cash, I requested, again, to see the documents.

As she pulled out the papers I noticed large amounts of “white out” on the papers; all of them. Signatures had been changed, dates changed, even the Venue entries. There were so many layers of the stuff I thought the papers would crack if folded, even slightly. I looked at the signatures on the “sworn to and subscribed” sections. Her signature, inexplicably, varied from document to document, only one signature was similar to the signature on her passport. The signature of the male was consistent with the “photocopy” of his ID, and that was to also be notarized!

I don’t know if it’s legal to notarize documents with gobs of “white out”. I do know how to properly redact an improper entry. But, IMHO, these docs were dead. She stressed that all of the entries had to be notarized, and there was no access to her husband. She related that I could proceed to notarize her husband’s signature by matching it to the photocopy of his passport. Clearly, this was going nowhere. It was time to halt the proceedings and inform her of what the proper notary procedures entailed. She could care less, after my explanations. She kept repeating that I was “creating a problem for her” and that it had to be completed now.

I understand that you have a problem. However, I too have a problem. My problem is that your documents have signatures without the affiant present to verify and oath. Finally, she did understand I was unwilling to proceed. Then another shocker! “I have been told there is a nearby that will just stamp these documents for a fee”, “do you know where they are?” Lady, the notarization of your husband’s signature without his presence is illegal. You are asking me to assist you in finding someone who is willing to commit a crime. First, I know of no such person or place. Second, I strongly advise you to abandon this course of action. It’s also illegal to ask someone else to commit a crime. You now know that notarizing your husband’s signature without his presence is illegal. You should proceed only using legal methods.

.

You might also like:

Excerpts from great notes sections
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=13613

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January 10, 2011

Guide to Recognizing Elder Abuse and Knowing Your Rights

Filed under: Other Guest Bloggers — admin @ 11:02 pm

According to statistics, one in ten elders worldwide experiences a form of monthly abuse. However, given that only one in 24 cases is reported, we can expect the figures to be higher.

In this respect, it is important that we know how to recognize elder abuse – no matter if we are sons, daughters, or even elders, as well as our rights and how to apply them. Naturally, one of the first steps we have to do is request the help of a nursing home abuse attorney, so that we can find out more about how we can protect ourselves and our loved ones.

Let’s see how you can recognize elder abuse, and which of your rights you can apply to such circumstances.

Symptoms of Elder Abuse
Many times, professionals miss the signs and symptoms related to elder abuse, mainly because they are very similar to the symptoms of deteriorating mental health.
Still, keep in mind that one’s ability to recognize elder abuse is paramount for prompt intervention, as well as to reduce the impact that the abusive actions had on the person’s physical and psychological well-being.
Obviously, symptoms of elder abuse can be divided into behavioral and physical. Here are some of the signs that will point you to discover if a certain elder is being abused:

Bruises – these usually come in regular patterns or clusters.
Black eyes and welts.
Evidence of lack of medication or even overdoses of medication.
Verbal report – some elders may even report their abuse.
Depression, anger, anxiety, fear, and nervousness.
Avoiding eye contact.
Getting startled easily or even cringing; their eyes may also dart.
Sudden apathy.
Withdrawal behavior.

In some cases, the person responsible for the care of the elder may not allow any visitors to be alone with the elder, or refuse them entirely.

Naturally, these were only a few of the symptoms that should make you take action. Keep in mind that there are physical abuse signs, emotional abuse signs, sexual abuse signs, neglect or self-neglect signs, financial exploitation signs, healthcare abuse, or fraud signs.

Knowing Your Rights
Always remember that every state comes with an Adult Protective Services law that you can rely on. This law helps adults with disabilities and older adults who need assistance, as a result of abuse.
Moreover, there’s also the Administration on Aging, whose purpose is the empowerment of older persons to remain safe within their communities, healthy, and independent.
Among the aforementioned, you can always rely on the National Center of Law and Elder Rights, Legal Services for the Elderly, which provides older people with legal assistance nationwide, as well as the Office of Long-Term Care Ombudsman Programs, which operate in all states.
In short, you could say that you don’t even need extensive knowledge of your rights. If you or your loved one has been abused, there are more than enough laws and associations and support groups to help you deal with this issue.

The Bottom Line
As soon as you notice elder abuse, you must act! Doing so will not only keep your loved one healthy, but will also make sure that the ones responsible will be held responsible in court for their actions.

Even though the elder is in a nursing home, they must be protected from abuse at all costs. This is the same as with children in kindergarten, or employees within their workspace.

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Notary Cheers Part 2: Sammy gets a name change notarized

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: , — admin @ 7:12 am

Please read the part 1 of this blog entry so you are aware of the context. Sam has to run to the county clerk to get his name change form, so that he can check into a hotel room anonymously with his girlfriend without a paper trail leading back to him. Diane needs to have an Oath for Carla stating that she will stay out of Carla’s hair in exchange for a shift switch.

DIANE: Sam, where are you going?

SAM: I’m running late. I need to get to the County Clerk’s office and get back here for my next shift.

DIANE: Just eat something and run over there. It’s only a fifteen minute walk. And it’s sunny today.

CARLA: Yeah, it’s sunny now. But, it’ll be a lot sunnier if certain people swear they’ll stay out of my hair, and get that Oath notarized.

CLIFF: (snickering under his breath) Who wouldn’t want to stay out of that Brillo Pad?

CARLA: (yanking on Cliff’s hair, causing him to wince) At least my hair isn’t about to be yanked out!

DIANE: Can’t you two save your antics for the playground?

CARLA: Relax. I’m not about to let your hair fall out. The bleach you’re overusing beat me to it.

DIANE: It’s not bleach. It’s the sun! Sam, I will get the Oath notarized at 8pm tonight. Scout’s honor! (raising her right hand)

SAM: Better not swear to the Notary it’s the sun. (Gang, except for Diane, chuckles) Gotta go.

Sam walks down to the County Clerk. The line isn’t that bad. Finally, it’s his turn.

CLERK: Purpose of ya’ visit sir?

SAM: I’m gonna need a name change form.

CLERK: Are ya’ sure you wanna change ya’ name? “Sam” sounds pretty good to me. Why ah’ you doin’ this?

SAM: I need to check into a hotel with my new girlfriend, but she’s married, and… I don’t want a paper trail leading back to me. It’s a long story.

CLERK: This never came from me — and I’m not recommendin’ it neitha’, but the easiest way to sneak around isn’t to change your name. It’s to get a fake ID.

SAM: A fake ID?

CLERK: Shhhh. I’m supposed to have ethics, so I can’t recommend doin’ that, but if you change ya’ name, there ah’ strings attached. A fake ID might get you in a little trouble, but you ahn’t hurting anyone, so the cops will go easy on you.

SAM: Can I change my name back if the relationship doesn’t work out?

CLERK: I’m known in town as the most helpful guy eva’ to work in a gova’ment office. I’ll tell ya’ one thing. You can do name variations too. Fa’ loan documents, they have a signature affidavit and AKA statement where you list all the names you’ve been known by in the past. You could get a name variation, and have an ID that represents one of ya’ names.

SAM: Wow. And I thought counting the notches on my bedpost was complicated. But I think I’m catching on. I like this. So, um, how do I do a variation?

CLERK: Here’s a form. By havin’ this form, you can get a second state issued ID, not a driver’s license but a state ID. It’s all legal ya’ see. That document is all ya’ need. For an alias, address, legally, you will need to open a post office box. But, the box would be traceable to your current name. Get the form notarized, then get the mail box, and then get ya’ ID — in that order, otha’wise you’ll screw the whole thing up!

SAM: I like that. Thanks a bunch. You saved my life and my relationship.

CLERK: What number notch will that be?

SAM: I can’t count that high.

Back at Cheers…

DIANE: I’m done typing up my official Oath. I, Diane Chambers of sound mind and body, residing at 54 Beacon Street, Boston, MA 02108, solemnly swear that I will not get in Carla’s proverbial hair. I will not bother her, harass her, nor will I nag her for any light and transient reasons, or even serious reasons for that matter. I included room for a signature, a date, and notarial verbiage.

CLIFF: I think there’s one thing you forgot, there Diane. You’re swearing never to bother her again for the rest of your life. That’s kind of a long time. After all, you’re still kind of a spring chicken.

DIANE: Thank you, Cliff. I think.

CARLA: Since when do spring chickens have barely visible breasts?

SAM: I’m back and I’m about to fill out the name variation document. Oh, and Carla, Diane happens to be very sensitive about her age — so mum’s the word.

WOODY: Mum’s the word, Sam? That’s what I call my mom, and she’s way older than Miss Chambers.

DIANE: You heard Woody, Sam. Pick another word.

SAM: How’s about “ageless”?

DIANE: No, Sam! That’s how they refer to people who already are old!

SAM: Okay, I’ll stick with “annoying.”

EVERYBODY: Norm!!!

WOODY: How’s it hangin’, Mr. Peterson?

NORM: According to Vera, it’s “barely.” Hey, Sammy, did you get that paperwork?

SAM: It’s all complete! And soon to be notarized!

NOTARY: I’m going to need a beer. Sorry I’m late. I kept looking for the bar where everybody knows my name.

DIANE: And we’re always glad you came.

CARLA: Please, don’t start singing.

DIANE: Here is my Oath verbiage — verbatum!

NOTARY: There’s nothing I love more than a prepared customer except for two things.

SAM: That high I can count. What?

NOTARY: A beautiful woman, and a cold one, but not necessarily in that order.

CARLA: (slamming Diane) Don’t you mean one thing?

CLIFF: Isn’t it, uh, illegal to notarize under the influence? It’s a little known fact that in ‘62 a notary who had a taste of the sauce mistakenly notarized JFK’s letter to Marilyn Manson instead of Marilyn Monroe.

NOTARY: It’s only illegal if your signer is intoxicated. You can be drunk, although it is highly discouraged in the Notary community. There is no law against it. The signer has to be of sound mind to be notarized, otherwise they might sign all their money away to a con-man, or worse.

CARLA: What could be worse than that?

NOTARY: They might sign their money over to their greedy family. It happened to me once notarizing an elderly lady who was in a hospital. They drugged her right before the signing. I had to go to court on that one and testify that she looked a bit out of it although I hadn’t been informed that she’d been medicated. I could’ve gotten in a lot of trouble on that one.

NORM: Good thing you didn’t. But isn’t it true that if you didn’t know the signer was medicated, you’re off the hook even if they seemed like they might have been medicated but didn’t make it too obvious?

NOTARY: (To Woody) One Sam Adams please. In these hospital signings, you can never be too careful. Even if you’re off the hook, that day you spend in court is enough to frazzle even the most diligent of notaries!

WOODY: See, that’s where you and I are different. I can be too careful. Like when I was too careful about not stepping on a crack that could break my mum’s back.

CLIFF: What happened, Woody?

WOODY: I accidentally stepped on her toe instead.

SAM: If I were a Notary, I’d look them over from head to toe. Make sure they seem “sound” to me.

CLIFF: That’s what he does with every female under 35 who waltzes in here. He’s good at that.

NOTARY: Okay, I feel ready. I’ll finish the other half of my beer after Diane’s docs. I’ll put the beer to the right — no breathing on it, and your docs to the left. Let’s see if the table is nice and dry?

DIANE: Oh, I brought a clip-board for that. I don’t want my documents touching that petri dish of a bar.

NOTARY: Can I see your ID ma’am?

DIANE: Oh, here it is.

NOTARY: Hmmm. (loudly) 1947, what? You don’t look a day over 35. How could this be….

CLIFF: The secret’s out! The cat’s out of the bag!

CARLA: So the stick is old enough to run for President! I knew that makeup was covering up your “gravitas.”

DIANE: Hear me now, Carla! And hear me, everyone! I am far too young to be President!

CLIFF: You can run for leader of the free world if you’re 35, Diane.

NORM: Wow, Sammy. Who knew you liked older women?

They all laugh.

DIANE: (to Notary) Some things are supposed to be private! One’s age… hair color…

NOTARY: I’m so sorry.

DIANE: Oh well. (sniffle) At least, we can get this form notarized.

NOTARY: Do you solemnly swear that you agree to the terms in this document, and that you will not get in Carla’s hair?

DIANE: As things happen to currently stand, very “solemnly.” (raising her right hand and looking dismally at the floor) Yes, I do (sniffle)

NORM: I now pronounce you Notary, and wife!

CLIFF: I’ll drink to that!

SAM: What about my form?

NOTARY: Let me have the other half of my beer.

NORM: Now that she said I do, your other half is right there!

DIANE: You know I’m still with Frasier, Norman.

NORM: Don’t worry. We won’t tell him you’re robbing the cradle.

DIANE: In answer to “how’s it hangin’,” “it” is about to be your neck!

NOTARY: Okay, I’m ready for Sam. Bring it over. No spilling drinks on the documents people! I mean that!

SAM: Here it is.

NOTARY: Okay, now for this signature, you sign your name as Sam, but on this next signature, you sign as John Doe. Do you think you can do that?

SAM: I’m not great at remembering names. But, sure, I think I can handle it…

NOTARY: Your notarization is complete Mr. Doe.

SAM: Sweet!!! I’ll tell Veronica!

CLIFF: Just don’t tell her husband your old name. Or your new name’ll be “mud.”

NORM: So, what do we owe you?

DIANE: No, you don’t have to do that.

NORM: It’s the least we can do after the humiliation and grief we’ve caused you.

NOTARY: I’ll tell you what. Another beer, and $30. We’ll call it even.

SAM: I’ve never said this to anyone, but, you’re my kind of Notary.

NOTARY: Do you really mean that?

SAM: I do.

NORM: Now, it’s a threesome! Sammy said, “I do” too!

You might also like:

Part 1 of Notary Cheers: Sammy gets a name change notarized!
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=10016

Seinfeld Episode about a Notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=6616

Two and a half notaries: Detering notary fraud
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=10452

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