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January 12, 2011

Notary Respect

Filed under: Ken Edelstein — Tags: , — admin @ 1:30 am

Notary Respect
“When you arrive at the building, please use the service entrance.” That was the closing sentence from a client for an assignment in a midtown Manhattan office building. I called, and made it quite clear that was not the way I would proceed. “I do not use the back door; I am a commissioned office of the State Department of the State of New York on official business. I do not use the messenger or pizza delivery entrance. If you will kindly confirm to me that a pass will be waiting for me in the main lobby, I will be able to confirm your appointment”.

The above was yesterday. The client did assure me that a building security pass, at the normal entrance would be waiting for me. It was. Even though I carried a large bag with my fingerprinting supplies, I was directed to the elevator without incident. The assignment also included notarization; though both require my standing as a notary to establish ID.

This evening I had a title company call with a refinance. The location was nearby and they readily agreed to my fee. The assignment was for the next day, a Saturday. “The borrower has an early flight and would like you on location at 6AM.” Gulp, that will cost you an additional $50 as it would require me to wake at 5AM. “Why – $50 more, it’s not that you are likely to have some other conflicting appointment scheduled.” My only reply, censoring what I wanted to say was “Thank You for calling, find someone else”. Clearly my loss of sleep had no value to them, but it certainly does to me.

Chances are you are polite and respectful to callers and clients. However, not all callers are respectful to us. I found the position taken by the 6AM job caller disrespectful. To me that warrants an abrupt, but polite – end to the conversation. Sometimes our clients can be a bit unreasonable. At the door I heard large dogs growling and snarling. I like dogs, and usually have no concern about them. But, at this location they seemed very aggressive, not the “I like you” kind, that want some attention. I asked that the dogs be placed in a different room prior to entering. “My dogs are always free, enter or not; it’s your choice.” Away I went.

Do you have dignity? It’s rather a shock to me to have to ask the question. Of course you do, but do you demand respect both for yourself and your office as a notary? I have been asked, on a signing to literally “sit in the corner till you are required”. I’m not furniture. “He’s “just” the notary”, superfluous condescending word “just”. More accurately: He is the Notary. Even if you have a low self image, project the status and honor (yes honor) of your profession and office.

I’m not talking about being pompous and acting superior. Folks at the signing table are not expected to stand when you enter the room. You are an integral and necessary part of our legal system. A document can become evidence in court – because of your certification. We are the front line troops defending against and eliminating much fraud. There is a long and honorable history behind our roles as notaries. Our impartiality and objectivity define us.

Respect, just like trust; has to be earned. One way we earn trust is being sworn under oath to uphold our state’s laws. Respect is a bit more difficult to earn. Snide and demeaning comments as: “just a notary” must be immediately and politely voiced objections. When you dress, act, and practice your profession honorably; the respect you deserve will generally be forthcoming.

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Demographics in the Mobile Notary Business

There are about 30,000 mobile notaries in the United States. About a quarter of them are currently online on 123notary.com. The number is hard to track, but it is a mere fraction of the 4 million plus Notaries in the United States. But, who are these Notaries demographically? The facts to not match national trends for entrepreneurship.

US Statistics
Statistically in the United States, African Americans and Hispanics are less likely to own their own business than Whites or Asian-Americans. I previously felt that Asians were the most entrepreneurial race in the United States as so many North Indians and Koreans own small shops, gas stations, restaurants, and other types of businesses. After reading more statistics I was shocked to learn that whites have the highest rate of business ownership. I know very few whites who enjoy business. In fact, most of the whites I grew up to had an allergic reaction to even the thought of business as it was a dirty word.

African-American Notary Statistics
In the Notary world, the stats work the other way. African-Americans are statistically much more likely (per capita) to become a mobile notary. 12.6% of Americans are African-American, yet roughly 20% of mobile Notaries are African American. African-Americans are more likely to excel in jobs that require clerical skills in government jobs such as the IRS, County Offices, DMV, etc. However, African-Americans are about half as likely to start their own business. Since a mobile notary business requires clerical as well as entrepreneurial skills, it is an interesting case study as blacks are over-represented in clerical jobs and under-represented as entrepreneurs statistially. African Americans are roughly twice as likely to start a Mobile Notary business than whites are.

What about Asians and Hispanics
Since Mobile Notary work requires a lot of communication and reading skills, only very assimilated Asians and Hispanics succeed in this line of work as newer immigrants are often weak in reading comphrehension and verbal English skills. Asians and Hispanics make up roughly 21% of the American population, yet constitute only about 10% of Mobile Notaries.

Women in the Notary Biz
As Mobile Notaries are often Realtors, or former Mortgage Brokers, it is not surprising that there are many women in the business. Women constitute about 60% of Mobile Notaries which makes sense since women also represent more than half of all Realtors.

Summary
So, the group most likely (per-capita) to be a Mobile Notary would be African-American women, and then the next most likley group would be White women. However, these statistics are subject to change as it is becoming fashionable in the Tajikistani-American community to be Mobile Notaries. It is the “in thing” to do these days in their community along with having a kabob take-out restaurant.

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January 11, 2011

How is Property Divided in a Las Vegas Divorce?

Filed under: Other Guest Bloggers — admin @ 11:03 pm

Divorcing in Las Vegas may be a bit different from what you are accustomed to, especially if you have moved here from another state. The first thing that we must mention is the fact that Nevada, the home of Las Vegas, is a community property state.

Basically, this means that each of the two parties involved in a divorce owns 50% of the debts and assets that have been acquired during the marriage.

Naturally, during a divorce, these debts and assets will be distributed equally between the two spouses. However, there are some cases in which the community property can be divided unequally, usually in case of a prenuptial agreement, or of a marital dissolution settlement agreement.

In the following paragraphs, we’ll show you exactly how property is divided in Las Vegas, so that you know what you are entitled to when you file for a divorce.

What is Community Property?
As mentioned above, community property is the property that’s equally owned by each spouse. All of the property that has been acquired by any of the parties during the marriage is labeled as community property, with the exception of a prenuptial agreement between the two parties which states otherwise, or when the court issues a contrary ruling, or if a property is labeled as separate and owned by one of the parties.

What Rights Do the Partners Have in Terms of Community Property?
In the case of a divorce, neither of the two partners may leave in their will more than one-half of the so-called community property. Moreover, they cannot give away that property as a gift, for example, without the other party’s consent. Naturally, the partners cannot sell any real estate that is classified as community property either, unless both parties sign the contract or deed.

Cases When Property May Be Divided Unequally
Usually, all community property is equally split in a divorce. However, there are some cases when this rule does not apply. For example, when there is a prenuptial agreement that states the division of property if the couple enters into an agreement regarding the distribution of their property, or when the court finds one of the spouses to have secreted or wasted community assets.

Separate Property in Las Vegas
As the naming implies, separate property is the property controlled or owned by only one of the two partners. Naturally, the other partner has no right to control it. Separate property is usually the property that was owned by one of the partners before marriage, or that was acquired while the two were married via inheritance, gift, or award for personal injury.

The Bottom Line
In short, the two things that you must keep in mind are the community and separate property. If you know the difference between the two, as well as who owns what, you will have no surprises when the court divides your property during a divorce.
Also, keep in mind that there are some cases in which separate property can become community property. Moreover, domestic partnerships are still under the influence of community property rights, because the couple must register as domestic partners.

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The Notary Asylum

The Notary Asylum

We all know what the process is to become a notary — filling out the forms, applying to our Secretary of State, getting our seal, etc. But, what the State Notary Handbook doesn’t tell you is what becomes of Notaries who become crazy as a result of being a Notary.

There are lots of stress-inducers in this business. There are signing companies that don’t pay. Others like to micromanage. Constantly ringing phones, constant excuses for why the money hasn’t arrived when it was supposed to already. These are ingredients for frustration in the sanest of people. Borrowers who want to comb over every page when you’re already late for your next appointment! If our Founding Fathers had dilly-dallied over the signing of the Declaration of Independence as long, they would have told more people than Benjamin Franklin to go fly a kite! Some mistreat their Notaries. Call it Notary Abuse. Some send late eDocuments or send you to borrowers that aren’t even home and didn’t know they had a signing after they instructed you — “don’t call the borrowers.” Inaccurate or missing information is another recipe for frustration. Rates are often different from what was quoted. So no wonder an increasing rate of Notaries are developing varying signs of insanity. There needs to be a place for Notaries who have lost their documents… and minds. So, we decided to create one. It’s called — The Notary Asylum!

NOTARY #1: I run SnapDocs

NOTARY #2: No I run SnapDocs

DOCTOR: I think that both of you have a share in SnapDocs.

NOTARY #1: No, he doesn’t — I run SnapDocs

DOCTOR: Last week you said you ran 123notary

NOTARY #1: Well that was last week. This week I run SnapDocs

DOCTOR: You seem agitated. That’s not a good sign.

NOTARY #2: Ahhhhhhhhh!

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

NOTARY #2: You said “sign.”

NOTARY #1: Ahhhhhhhhh!

DOCTOR: Sorry. Forget about your work. You don’t need me to… the s word… any document. You needn’t get all fired up about it.

NOTARY #2: Speaking of fired, last week I ran the NNA. I fired a lot of people too.

DOCTOR: Well, what does your paperwork say? Do you have documents proving your ownership?

NOTARY #1: I don’t need to.

NOTARY #2: I didn’t get paid; I didn’t get paid; I didn’t get paid. Shoot Docs never paid me.

DOCTOR: There is no Shoot Docs.

NOTARY #2: Are you going to not pay me as well? You never pay me.

DOCTOR: I am a psychiatric analyst. It is not my job to pay you. The state pays me.

NOTARY #2: Well at least somebody pays somebody around here.

DOCTOR: You’re both fine looking patients.

NOTARY #1: I don’t call paying us compliments paying us.

DOCTOR: I was just giving you my seal of approval.

NOTARY #1 and #2: Ahhhhhhhhh!

DOCTOR: “Seal.” Sorry, I give you my oath…

NOTARY #1 and #2: Ahhhhhhhhh!

DOCTOR: … that I’ll be more careful next time. As for now, I recommend that both of you take a break from… you know. Enjoy something that doesn’t remind you of your… you know.

NOTARY #1: That sounds wonderful.

DOCTOR: I’m releasing the both of you. Fill these prescriptions at your pharmacy. It’ll help you relax.

NOTARY #2: (reading) You forgot to sign it.

DOCTOR and NOTARY #1 and NOTARY #2: Ahhhhhhhhh!

One way to restore your sanity in the notary world: Know that you’re not alone if frustrations sometimes get the better of you. Being aware of what can go wrong can sometimes prepare you to ride out the frustrations when they occur. If you develop a Zen-like attitude and let at least some of it roll off your back, the next time a vendor doesn’t have yours (back, that is) you’ll commit yourself to moving on, not the notary asylum!

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Notarizing for an exorcism
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Best Notary virtual comedy compilation updated to 2018
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Names for Notaries to name their children

Filed under: Humorous Posts — Tags: — admin @ 11:31 am

We think of Notary work as something that we just do. But, what if we encourage our children to become Notaries? It might help if they had a Notarial sounding name to do well in the industry. Here are my ideas.

Sealmore
Venuetta
Juratella
Stampella
Enenay
Affi-David — you can name his brother Affi-Goliath
Rescinda / Rescindo
Stamper
Affirma — sounds like a health product or hair care.
Embosston — sounds more like a city.
S. Crow
S.S. — comes next to the venue.
Oatha
HUD-son
Journal — keep it simple
Signarturo
Notario — just don’t use this name in Texas without a disclaimer.
Durresto
Witnessino
Ginnie Mae
Hague
Heloc
Lockworth
Manual(a)
Non-conformito
Paula Ursula Davenport — initials would be PUD.
Respa
Rider
Ferdinand Harry Armstrong — initials would be FHA.
A. Paul Steele

Feel free to leave your comments if you have any other ideas.

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Names for notary businesses with commentary
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Deceptive identities – companies that change their names
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=1090

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Fran the Nanny from Queens hires a Notary.

Filed under: Sit-Coms — admin @ 11:16 am

FRAN: Oh, Mr. Sheffield, isn’t the butler supposed to do things like this, answering the door, calling Notaries, etc?

Mr. SHEFFIELD: Yes yes, but he is out sick

FRAN: Does that mean that he would sneeze in snide and condescending way.

Mr. SHEFFIELD: Of course not, why would he do that… well actually, hmm. Why are we discussing this? Just call that damn Notary, will you?

FRAN: Yes sir, right away.

FRAN: (ring-ring) Hello, is this Isaac from Glatt Kosher Notaries?

CHARLES: (British Accent) No, this is Charles, Isaac is out. In any case, thank you for calling GK Notaries where we can assist you with assumption clauses, affiant testimoniums, Jurats, Proofs of Execution and more.

FRAN: I need a Notary, but the last schmuck was such a putz that he did the whole job like a patsa and I had to shlepp to another guy right before shabbat. My tuchus has never recovered — gevalt!

CHARLES: I feel like we are not speaking the same language here.

FRAN: You’re telling me! Let me translate what I said into your language and then you can translate what you said into English. We’ll pay big bucks if you can send over a Notary who knows what he is doing.

CHARLES: Now, we’re communicating. Yes, we can send someone any time during the week.

FRAN: So, not to be personal, but where are all of the Jewish people in the office?

CHARLES: Well, you see, it is Friday and they like to leave three hours early to beat the Shabbat rush so they can prepare their food and get a good front row seat in school.

FRAN: You mean shul.

CHARLES: Yes, that too.

FRAN: But, you can have someone come today in an hour or two? My boss is a big time producer and he needs a contract notarized prompto.

CHARLES: Yes, well we have someone named Jack who is available. Shall I send him over?

FRAN: By all means. I’m so happy!

CHARLES: Well I’m happy that you’re happy?

FRAN: You are? (shocked) Oh right. I forgot, I’m trying to get used to this whole idea of taking delight at other people’s happiness.

CHARLES: What I’ve learned from working at this company, is that when I express delight at other people’s happiness, I have to say — you wouldn’t understand — it’s a gentile thing.

FRAN: I’m sure I’ll get used to it. In any case, I’ll have Mr. Sheffield get his ID and documents ready.

(ding… dong…)

FRAN: I’ll get it.

JACK: Shabbat Shalom!

FRAN: Oh, very good pronunciation for a goy!

JACK: Thanks and funny you should mention that. Because when I was born we had a Jewish doctor.

FRAN: No kidding, so did I. Was your’s single? And is he still single? Never mind, he’s probably 80 by now, I’m not that desperate.

JACK: So, when I came out of the womb, he proudly announced — it’s a goy!

FRAN: That’s really funny. Anyway, Mr. Sheffield is upstairs in the study.

(the two go upstairs)

JACK: Shabbat Shalom!

Mr. SHEFFIELD: Shattab shmaloom to you too.

FRAN: That’s not how you say it Mr. Sheffield.

Mr. SHEFFIELD: Close enough.

FRAN: By the way, Mr. Sheffield isn’t Jewish. But, I’m working on him. He’s becoming an expert on the foods of our people.

Mr. SHEFFIELD: That’s right, if it doesn’t have a “chhh” or other gutteral sound, it doesn’t go into your mouth. I have memorized several of these types of foods: choomosss, that’s the Israeli pronunciation, the Arabs are not as gutteral with this, then there is Schoog which is Yeminite, and then Challah which is egg bread. I’m more partial to the Challah, it’s easier to pronounce and easier on the system.

FRAN: Plus it’s milchik…. never mind. In any case. Let’s administer the Oath. Please raise your right hand. Do, you Mr. Sheffield solemnly swear that you agree to the terms and conditions in this contract, so help you God?

JACK: I think I’m supposed to do this part. Would you prefer an Oath or Affirmation?

Mr. SHEFFIELD: What’s the difference?

FRAN: In an Oath, you swear to a higher power, and in an Affirmation you affirm on your personal honor. Mr. Sheffield has a lot of personal honor by the way. More than any one else I know.

Mr. SHEFFIELD: Ms. Fein, do you think that you could possibly just let the Notary do his job without any further interference? And besides, what are you, the notary’s druchshlepp?

FRAN: Wow, your Yiddish is really getting so much better. But, oh, I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been reading up on the 123notary free blog posts teaching Notary knowledge. I’ve learned so much about Notary procedure and it was completely free.

JACK: Okay, please sign here, and let me see your ID… then, we can sign the journal. (two minutes later) Okay, now please raise your right hand… Oh gee, I forget what to say.

Mr. SHEFFIELD: Ms. Fein (yelling into the hallway), you can come back now.

FRAN: Did you need help with that Oath? Less than 10% of New York Notaries know how to administer an Oath. Most don’t think they even need to. Okay Jack, just repeat after me. I Jack Collins take you Fran Fein to be my lawfully wedded. Ooops, sorry. I’m so desperate to get married. Okay, start over. Do you Mr. Sheffield solemnly swear that the document you have signed is authentic to the best of your knowledge and that you agree to and will abide by the terms within?

JACK: Do you Mr. Sheffield solemnly swear that the document you have signed is authentic to the best of your knowledge and that you agree to it?

Mr. SHEFFIELD: I do.

FRAN: OH, Mr. SHEFFIELD!!!! You have no idea how long I have waited to hear those words come from your lips!

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The Pile of Poo Divorce

The lady calls with a common request. She has some divorce documents that need to be notarized. I ask the usual screening questions. Who is signing? What ID do they have? How many signatures need to be notarized? Mobile notaries with a few years of experience become quite good at sensing trouble ahead. This assignment felt wrong. The lady was evasive with my initial questioning, changing her answers several times. It was a judgment call for me to make as to granting her an appointment. Her plea as to the urgency “it has to be submitted to the court tomorrow morning”; caused me to agree to meet with her. But, with a large amount of “doubt”, my meeting would be a location near to me. She agreed, we would meet in an hour.

She had spoken of needing two signatures notarized. Somehow, that became eight signatures. Four for her and four for the other party to the divorce. It’s a common misunderstanding, the number to be notarized vs the number of people being notarized. However, having been in this situation many times I was sure that she understood when we spoke on the phone. Going from two to eight is not the end of the world. And, she had readily agreed to meet at a place of my convenience. So, I asked to see what needed the eight notarizations. Unlike many of my meetings, this was to be cash, due to little travel being required. First thing, even prior to showing me a single document she wanted to pay. That really caused my “trouble ahead” bells to ring. Declining the offered cash, I requested, again, to see the documents.

As she pulled out the papers I noticed large amounts of “white out” on the papers; all of them. Signatures had been changed, dates changed, even the Venue entries. There were so many layers of the stuff I thought the papers would crack if folded, even slightly. I looked at the signatures on the “sworn to and subscribed” sections. Her signature, inexplicably, varied from document to document, only one signature was similar to the signature on her passport. The signature of the male was consistent with the “photocopy” of his ID, and that was to also be notarized!

I don’t know if it’s legal to notarize documents with gobs of “white out”. I do know how to properly redact an improper entry. But, IMHO, these docs were dead. She stressed that all of the entries had to be notarized, and there was no access to her husband. She related that I could proceed to notarize her husband’s signature by matching it to the photocopy of his passport. Clearly, this was going nowhere. It was time to halt the proceedings and inform her of what the proper notary procedures entailed. She could care less, after my explanations. She kept repeating that I was “creating a problem for her” and that it had to be completed now.

I understand that you have a problem. However, I too have a problem. My problem is that your documents have signatures without the affiant present to verify and oath. Finally, she did understand I was unwilling to proceed. Then another shocker! “I have been told there is a nearby that will just stamp these documents for a fee”, “do you know where they are?” Lady, the notarization of your husband’s signature without his presence is illegal. You are asking me to assist you in finding someone who is willing to commit a crime. First, I know of no such person or place. Second, I strongly advise you to abandon this course of action. It’s also illegal to ask someone else to commit a crime. You now know that notarizing your husband’s signature without his presence is illegal. You should proceed only using legal methods.

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Excerpts from great notes sections
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I was forced to forge my own signature in India

Filed under: General Stories — admin @ 9:35 am

I remember back in 2005 I went to Bombay to visit a friend. I took the train downtown to cash a few travelers cheques. I have never had an experience this bad and have brought a lot more cash with me ever since. You have to sign a traveler cheque when you buy it and then sign again when you cash it in. My signature was a little different than my normal signature, but not different by much. But, the clerk had had a lot of trouble cashing in traveler’s cheques and he was paranoid. He did not like the differential between my signatures. So, I had to forge my own signature so to speak. I had to practice signing the way I had signed when I originally signed the cheque a few times on a blank piece of paper. What a ridiculous ordeal. My passport wasn’t good enough for him yet it was good enough for airport security. Good God, or should I say Good Krishna?

In any case, I signed the way he liked and got my money.I spent my rupees on apple pie that had been in the same oven as melting cheese and it tasted horrible. I have so many India nightmares I never want to go back again but perhaps I will to see the mountains and meditate there with the Gods near Dehradun. My guru says I need to go where I can see snow in the mountains and meditate there for three days. One day I’ll do it, but not this year, because China is on my mind. Sounds like a Ray Charles song.

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Will & Grace — the mini notary seal

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: , — admin @ 8:03 am

JACK: Will, can I ask you something?

WILL: What’s that?

JACK: Have you ever wanted to be a Notary?

WILL: Are there cute guys in that industry?

JACK: What does that have to do with anything. Get your mind out of the gutter. It doesn’t matter whose in the industry. You don’t hang around with other Notaries unless you go to those private Facebook groups. You meet clients and they might be cute.

WILL: How cute are we talking?

JACK: If I become a Notary, I’ll bring one of them to one of our favorite gay bars and you can find out.

WILL: What if they aren’t gay?

JACK: I don’t have to tell them it’s a gay bar.

GRACE: I think they’ll know…. duh. Remember you brought me to one of those places?

JACK: Yeah, but you said you wanted to go to a place where no man would give you any unwanted attention. You got what you asked for.

GRACE: What? (looking disgusted). That was NOT what I had in mind! I wanted to go to a lesbian bar. Oh well, next time.

JACK: If I were a Notary, I would want one of those tiny little seals and have a little tiny doggie to match… with an outfit.

WILL: An outfit for the dog or the seal?

JACK: Oh, now you’ve got me thinking. I could get a little seal cover designed just for my little seal.

GRACE: That’s so cute. You should become a Notary just for the little seal bag made out of yarn.

JACK: Yarn? I wasn’t thinking yarn. I was thinking leather!

WILL: Stick to yarn. It’s more cute. Plus you don’t want your customers to think you are into leather notarizations. That sort of thing has a stigma to it.

JACK: Good point. But, I don’t want people to think I’m grandma either.

WILL: Okay, I’m an Attorney, so I can give you an Oath.

JACK: Okay. Count me in.

WILL: Raise your right hand.

JACK: Okay (holding his hand parallel in a very gay way.)

WILL: Do you solemnly swear that you will uphold the laws for Notary Public for the state of New York and defend the constitution against all enemies foreign and domestic, so help you God?

JACK: What about imports, or is that what you meant by foreign, because I don’t drive, but if I did, I would only drive a Ford personally.

WILL: You’ll make a terrible Notary. If you want my advice. Don’t quit your day job.

JACK: Oh, you mean acting. Usually that’s what you say to people who won’t make it acting.

WILL: You’ll make it acting, you just won’t make it acting like a Notary.

JACK: Gee thanks. You’re so insensitive.

GRACE: I think he knows what he is talking about in the legal profession. That’s why I married him. My mother wanted me to marry an Attorney.

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Scribbles: A Notary Comedy Club

Improv; or could be like a class; hecklers

HOST: To get a spot at the Notary comedy club you have to sign up to do a spot and have a Notary witness your signature!

JOHNNIE: Well, do you have a witness protection program?

SALLY: Why, did you witness the wrong Will and get into trouble?

JOHNNIE: I was just thinking. What if an evil son of a Billionaire, had an older guy forge the signature of his father at a Will signing, and you were the witness? You might be oblivious to the entire situation until the rest of the family comes after you. Then, you’ll need a witness protection program.

SALLY: Oh, so you’re not joking. I thought this was a comedy club!

HECKLER: That’s not funny, you should be entered into the witless protection program.

HOST: Welcome to Scribbles, how’s everyone doing? I can attest to the fact that you are going to have a great time tonight, but don’t make me swear under Oath by it. At Scribbles, you won’t see us kill a joke, but we will execute a document! This next performer has won approval in Notary comedy clubs across the country.

SALLY: Hi, my name is Sally. I am proud to say that I come pre-approved, but they claim that they still need to run my credit. And I pre-disapprove of that. I strongly believe in the concept of joke recycling. You know, my seal doesn’t have an expiration date, it just says, “better if used by Feb 17th, 2014.”

HECKLER: Hey I heard that before!

SALLY: Yes, that is because I recycled that joke. I think it’s such a shame to let a perfectly good joke end up in the trash when you could recycle or reuse it. That makes such a difference for the environment, at least in comedic circles. There’s just one thing. How come nobody recycles my jokes?

HECKLER: Because your jokes aren’t funny!

JAKE: Hi, I’m Jake. I’m also a Notarial comic. Hey you in the front.

GUY IN FRONT: Who me?

JAKE: Yeah you! Is that an Affidavit in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

GUY IN FRONT: It must be an Affidavit because I’m not happy to see you!

JAKE: Hey, I’m not exactly doing cartwheels looking at your ugly face either, buddy! Speaking of barely credible witnesses, I had a signing company tell me that they would be paying me on Tuesday the 29th. Unfortunately, when I looked at my calendar this year, there is no February 29th.

This a great crowd! So, has anyone done any good Oaths recently?

GUY IN FRONT: Funny you should mention that.

HECKLER: That’s the first time he was funny all night!

GUY IN FRONT: I have a lot of Vietnamese clients. You know if you have a guy name Tan, you can say Tan the man. But, I recently had a client named Tran the Dan/Ann who was swearing that he was a man.

HECKLER: Well, I bet Tran was happy to see you.

HOST: It’s time for our next Notary who will think he’s not getting any respect unless you fulfill your 2 drink minimum.

RODNEY: You know, I think you should change that to a two Jurat minimum. A Jurat sounds a lot more credible than a drink, plus you can’t spill it no matter how hard you try. I just went to a Notary comedy club where they don’t charge a fixed fee at the door, but they charge by the laugh. $2 per laugh with a five laugh minimum. Putting laugh minimums aside, I just did a Notary act that didn’t get me any respect. No respect at all! An 80 year old woman asked me to do a Deed… It was the dirty Deed!

AUDIENCE: Ewwwww!

RODNEY: I just did a loan signing that doesn’t get me any respect. The credible witnesses didn’t look believable, the signer was two hours late, and the hostess didn’t offer me any cool-aid. Then the signer’s kid told me he couldn’t wait until my commission expired. What a family! No respect. No respect at all!

My wife’s idea of a civil action is telling me that I’m only “kind of” ugly!

I had to put my last property into Escrow. It wasn’t until the next day that Title’s in my wife’s name… as she calls herself, my much better half. And all these years I thought she had Subpoena envy.

HOST: Thanks a bunch. You’ve been a great crowd. Next week, make sure to attend our all you can laugh comedy buffet.

.

You might also like:

Notaries in Cuba — the clock stops in this comedy
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16115

Jeremy’s bucket list
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=7035

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