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July 27, 2016

Notary comedy articles about Heaven & Hell

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , — admin @ 11:23 pm

Our posts on Notary Heaven and Notary Hell have always done well. Just don’t backdate or be late on child support payments otherwise you’re likely to end up in the latter.

Witnessing the intake forms for Notary Heaven
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=8832

Notary Hell — “Yeah, but it’s a dry heat!”
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=13196

Getting Notarized before crossing the Red Sea
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15109

The Signing from Hell (Carmen’s blog)
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=765

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June 17, 2016

Jesus the Notary

A long time ago, there was a Notary born to a virgin mother in a manger in Kern County, CA. His name was Jesus and/or Emanuel, but his Latino friends called him Manuel. Later on, many songs were written about him and there was much rejoicing. However, four out of five dentists surveyed changed his name in the songs from “Emanuel” to “Enamuel.” In any case, this magnificent man did many wonderful deeds for mankind and humanity alike.

He helped a blind musician to see. The musician said, “Thank you Emanuel, now I don’t have to get paid in ones anymore. People kept asking me if I was a stripper and I said — no! If you think I’m a stripper with this body, then I ain’t the only one who’s blind around here!”

He helped a clueless mobile notary to get paid by using 123notary.com/s to look up signing company reviews. The Notary said, “I’ve been on 123notary for ten years and didn’t realize that feature existed. I should read the blog more often! Thanks Emanuel”

He helped a mobile notary client to walk and the client thanked him. But, the mobile notary who served that client regularly said, “Thanks a lot Emanuel, now I lost a client!”

Later, he went to Lake Mead in Nevada, and walked on water near the Hoover dam. Then he wrote some graffiti on the dam saying, “Jesus was here.” After that he took a long walk in the Mojave Desert and got really thirsty. He had a few bottles of wine in his backpack, but no water. So, he turned wine into water. After all, wine dehydrates.

This holy Notary also preached to the Notary masses and spoke in mystical parables.

1. Notarize unto others as you would have them notarize unto you!

2. Backdate not as it is a sin. And if you feel otherwise, imagine if the universe went backwards for a day every time you did so. If your work is always in order, the universe will always deliver in order for you!

3. The road to heaven is laden with potholes and notary clients who don’t have ID’s. By being prepared for all obstacles, all obstacles will cease to exist. Basically, get a vehicle with good shocks and confirm signings by phone lest you be delayed unnecessarily.

4. If you have a Notary client who has suffered misfortune or is wretched, offer this person Notary work for free, and you shall receive blessings in Notary heaven — yes, the Notary heaven written about in the 123notary blog — the article is fairly accurate based on what we know.

5. What ye seal, ye shall reap. Do good Notary work and there will be no shortage of Notary clients. Do good Notary work regularly and your good fortune will be exponential like the water in the ocean and stars in the sky.

6. If thou art annointed before doing a notarization, wash the oil off otherwise it will get all over the documents.

7. If a signing company is rude to you, turn the other cheek and do not seek revenge. If the signing company is rude, the rudeness remains. If you are rude back, dost the rudeness not multiply?

8. Do not notarize in public, for notarizing in public is what hypocrites do! Do not notarize for man, notarize for God’s divine approval.

9. And remember — the Kingdom of Notary Heaven can be seen within you.

10. There are many mansions in my father’s kingdom, (even a few with olympic sized pools) and they all need refinancing from time to time, so Notaries will never be out of a job in Notary Heaven.

The holy Notary walked around from coast to coast wearing orange robes and speaking in tongues that fascinated many. But, there were many who did not like Jesus. For Jesus spoke out against unrightious signing companies and their hypocritical practices charging $450 and only paying the Notary $50, not to mention often not paying them at all. The son of God publically criticized these immoral and sinful scoundrels publically and was hated for it. Once, he found a Lender doing a signing in a church, and Jesus violently turned over the table and said — not in my father’s house shall you perform a Notary signing!

It all ended, when a particular signing company hired some Attorneys to sue Jesus. The first lawsuit ended with a settlement that Jesus had to wear a crown of thorns with a sign that said, “King of the Notaries”. But, after the second lawsuit, they had Notary Jesus crucified.

He was nailed to a cross. And when he asked for water, they gave him Notary ink to drink. There were two other Notaries on crosses to either side of him. Both were common criminals convicted of backdating and Notary fraud including failure to administer an Oath as well as property embezzlement. His twelve Apostilles were unable to make it to visit him on the cross because it was the end of the month and they were all busy with signings. Several hours later, Jesus died. Later on Jesus rose from the dead and then decided to move onto Notary heaven.

Tragic as it was, many Notaries claim that Notary Jesus died for their Notarial sins, and that all the backdating, name variations they notarized without matching ID, and other crimes against the Secretary of State and society would be forgiven.

To be honest, very few Notaries ever get caught for their misconduct unless it is deliberate fraud with intent to injure or steal property from the signer. So, the forgiveness is more symbolic. But, in any case, to this day, Jesus the Notary lives — in spirit at least in Notary heaven. Just don’t be late on your child support payments if you want admittance to Notary heaven. But, other than that, all you have to do is believe, pray, and don’t sin or break any of the civil code section 2.1 through 5.13 or state law 3.53 through 4.119 pursuant to the Secretary of State’s Notary Handbook in your state. The end!

You might also like:

Witnessing intake forms for Notary Heaven
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=8832

Best Notary Comedy Posts
http://blog.123notary.com/?cat=3241

Notary comedy articles about heaven & hell
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16640

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April 4, 2014

Witnessing the intake forms for Notary Heaven

Clerk: “NEXT!!!!”

Clerk: “You were. Ahh. It says here on your Akashic records that you were a decent notary. You never backdated. That’s just herely.”
Sal: “Pardon?”
Clerk: “Heavenly. But… On your Match.com profile, you front-dated to make yourself younger, but the women you met also front-dated and it all evened out, so no problem there. Back to your records… You never signed without having a current ID with a matching name. You were rarely late to any appointments, and you made a courtesy call when you knew you’d be late. Too bad you were late on your child support payments.”
Sal: “Better late than never.”
Clerk: “As in dead vs. never exist, I agree. Sign here.”
Sal: “I never had any kids, by the way. You must be confusing me with somebody else.”

Clerk: “You must be confusing me with somebody who confuses you for somebody else.”
Heavenly Notary: “Can I see some ID?”
Sal: “I just died. My ID is with my body down there.”

Clerk: “His commission seal expired after he did. I already checked it in.”
Notary: “Your right thumb print, please. The one you hitched a ride with to get to the dance where you met your future wife to whom you gave thumbs down to timely child support.”
Sal: “Boy, you guys really know how to stay on topic.”

Clerk: “You are hereby appointed to Notary Heaven section 263, upper level.”
Notary: “Really? Upper level! I must have done something right? By the way, up here, is upper level a good thing?”

Clerk: “It’s where we put decent notaries who didn’t make their child support payments. It’s up in the nosebleed section. But since noses don’t bleed here, no worries. Be glad you’re not headed to where we stick the backdaters.”
Sal: “Uhh… Where’s that?” Clerk: “Notary purgatory. For all of eternity, they’ll have to remind clients to stop signing differently on each page, so it’s consistent.” Sal: “Okay, but once again, I never had children. Perhaps there’s another Sal who used my social security number and…”
Heavenly Bouncer: “You’re coming with me, kid…”
Sal: “Thanks for calling me a kid. I guess compared to all of eternity, I am on the youthful side.”
Bouncer: “Up these stairs over here.”
Sal: “They don’t have escalators in heaven? Not that I’m complaining.”
Bouncer: “You’re getting aerobic exercise. It will make you feel therely.”

Sal: “Oh, okay. Wait a minute! … There-ly? Don’t you mean here-ly?”
Bouncer: “We just left heaven. This is heaven-adjacent. The address still sounds reasonably fancy, but the neighborhood’s a little seedier. For the seedier folks who shirked their child support payments.”
Sal: “Listen… I didn’t get your name.”
Bouncer: “What do you mean?” Sal: “Your name. I didn’t get your name.” Bouncer: “My name is ‘What do you mean.’ In heaven-adjacent, it makes confused new members sound like they’re my friends.” Sal: “Is there any way to appeal the whole child support issue?”
Bouncer: “You can take that up with the staff in section 263.”
Sal: “What do you mean?” Bouncer: “Yes?” Sal: “Never mind.”

263 Host: “Welcome to section 263. We’ve been expecting you! The accommodations here are adequate, and the food isn’t terrible.”
Sal: “That doesn’t sound… terrible.”
263 Host: “As for the enticing food descriptions in the menu, don’t ask me to affirm them under the penalties of perjury. Oh, and the full portions are reduced by thirty percent, because SOMEONE in the brighter world didn’t make their section 263 support payments. Ring a bell?”
Sal: “How could I have been a deadbeat before I was actually dead?”
263 Host: “Have a nice eternity.”

———————–
Old Version
———————–

Sal: “Hi, I’m Sal”
Clerk: “You sure are. Hmm. It says here on your Akashic records that you were a good notary. You never backdated. You never signed without having a current ID with a matching name. You were rarely late to any appointments, and you made a courtesy call when you were going to be late. Too bad you were late on your child support payments.
Sal: “Hey, excuse me. I think there is a mistake here. You see I…”
Clerk: “Sign here”
Notary: “Can I see some ID sir?”
Sal: “Hey, give me a break, I just died. My ID is with my body down there. I never had kids by the way, you must be confusing me with…”
Clerk: “Sure you didn’t. Where have I heard that before.”
Notary: “Your right paw-print please.”
Clerk: “You are appointed to Notary Heaven section 263, upper level.”
Notary: “And what did I do to merit such a place? By the way, is that a good place?”
Clerk: “That’s where we put good notaries who didn’t make their child support payments. It’s a whole lot better than where we put the backdaters. I’ll leave that to your imagination.”
Sal: “Okay, but once again, I never had children. Perhaps there is another Sal who used my social security number and…”
Bouncer: “You’re coming with me kid…”
Sal: “Oooh, strong grip…”
Bouncer: “Up these stairs over here.”
Sal: “Is this heaven or is this a prison?”
Bouncer: “Think of all of god’s creation as a karmic realm of one sort or the other. Certain realms are more desirable than others.”
Sal: “Is there any way to appeal the whole child support issue?”
Bouncer: “You can take that up with the staff in section 263. Have a nice day!”

263 Staff: “Welcome to section 263. We have been expecting you! The accommodations here are honest, and the food is not bad, but you only get 70% portions because our funding got cut because SOMEONE in the brighter world didn’t make their section 263 support payments. Sound familiar?”
Sal: “Yeah, about that. I was hoping that we could…”
263 Staff: “NEXT….”

Tweets:
(1) Notary Heaven Section 263: That’s where we put good notaries who didn’t make their child support payments.
(2) Hmm. It says here on your Akashic records that you were a good notary. You never backdated.
(3) I just died, my ID is with my body down there.
(4) Notary Heaven Section 263: That’s where we put good notaries who didn’t make their child support payments.
(5) Hmm. It says here on your Akashic records that you were a good notary. You never backdated.
(6) I just died, my ID is with my body down there.
(7) The notary heaven clerk noted that his commission seal expired after he did.
(8) Notary purgatory: For all of eternity, dead notaries get clients who sign differently on each page.

You might also like:

Compilation of comedy articles about Notary Heaven & Hell
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16640

The signing from hell (Carmen’s version)
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=765

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