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December 15, 2017

He was on his way to a Notary appointment when….

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:08 am

For the last several years I have been looking for my black equivalent. Someone who is a brotha who is just like me in all ways. I lost home in ever finding this person until…

It was a few days ago. I was late to a Notary appointment and in line at Starbucks. I am addicted. I know. Too much sugar and caffeine, but we all have needs. And there he was.

He was wearing a gray t-shirt, blue jeans, and flip flops, just like me. He looked cynically at the croissants in the display and looked like he could stand to lose a few pounds.

I exclaimed — “I’ve done it — I have finally found my black equivalent. You are just like me in all ways.”

BRUTHA — “What????”

JEREMY: “We dress exactly the same way, have the same body type, you are my black equivalent!”

BRUTHA: “Because I’m wearing a gray t-shirt? Please. That don’t mean nothin’.”

JEREMY: “YES IT DOES — you’re the guy. I have been looking for my brutha of anotha culla for years now. And you’re it.”

BRUTHA: “You crazy man! (mumbling) White people. I’ll never figure them out…”

JEREMY: “So much for equivalents and racial equality. I guess you’re saying we’re not equal.”

BRUTHA: “You wanna see EQUAL? See this little blue packet that I’m putting in my coffee. That’s the only EQUAL I care about…. Please….”

(an hour later — Jeremy runs into another brutha, but this time is wearing a Russian fur hat.)

JEREMY: “I think we have another prospect. Yup, gray t-shirt, flip flops, ooh, even the same kind I wear from Adventure 16, and yes, of course Levi’s. Gotta have Levi’s unless you are going to a high end Notary appointment then wear business casual. Who am I kidding. HEY, you are my black equivalent. Look at us (standing next to him.)

IVAN: “You are right. (thick Russian accent.)

JEREMY: “Is that a Russian accent? Are you a black Russian?”

IVAN: “Yes, and I am your black equivalent. We fought for equality for years and I am glad to be your equal. Think of me as a COMRADE FROM ANOTHER MOMRAD.”

JEREMY: “All right. Strasnitzie (hello) my brutha! ”

IVAN: “Strasnitzie tavarich (hello), my main comrade.”

JEREMY: “But, it’s 90 degrees and you are wearing that Russian fur hat.”

IVAN: “Comrade please, you think I’m trying to hear that? Oh Hell Nyet…. HELL NYET!!!”

JEREMY: “You better not be late otherwise your grandmother might burn the Pyrogies.”

IVAN: “What did you say about my babushka?”

JEREMY: “Okay, I’m glad I met you. Tell your babushka or grandmother that I said hi. Dasvidaniya playuh!”

IVAN: “See you next time. Oh, and by the way, we prefer to be called — African American Russians, not Black Russians.”

JEREMY: “That is because your ancesters come from near the African American Sea near Armenia. My client and his Grant Deeds are waiting.”

IVAN: “You got that right!”

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You might also like:

Black Notaries vs. White Notaries Comedy String
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=black-notaries-versus-white-notaries

Secretary of State Hacked by Russians
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19110

Protesters & A statue of a Notary who had slaves
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19696

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December 1, 2017

A Notary guest speaker gets harrassed by students

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:20 am

A Notary who was big on Notary education and prudency went to lecture for a bunch of college students. Back in her day, students were interested in learning. But, the students of the day were only interesting in heckling and harrassing her mostly about false accusations and politically correct nonsense.

Mrs. Hucklesworth spoke about the importance of Oaths for a few minutes. The crowd immediately started booing and told her that Oaths were a form of tyranny because they were under God and how they didn’t believe in God. Then Mrs. Hucklesworth told them that there was an alternative called an Affirmation which was made on your honor. The students booed again because they claimed they had no honor. Some crowds are just hard to please.

Then she spoke about the importance of having good ID. A member of the crowd said that ID’s were a form of tyranny because black people couldn’t get an ID on voting day. Then Mrs. Hucklesworth explained that nobody could get an ID in certain counties on voting day black or not, but that they could get one on other days.

Mrs. Hucklesworth: Young man, do you carry an ID?
Loudmouth: Of course I do
Mrs. Hucklesworth: Then you are partaking in tyranny yourself!
Loudmouth: I guess you have a point. So, can you notarize me then?
Mrs. Hucklesworth: I am not a practicing Notary any more my dear child!

Next, the topic at hand was variations on a Power of Attorney. A feminist asked if there were a Power of Maternity. Then another feminist said that would be sexist because women are capable of doing a lot more than just being a mother. Then a third feminist said that if all females thought like that, then the human race would die out! Then, there was a variation on that document for people who live in fear called a Cower of Attorney.

Finally, the talk degenerated into a discussion about thumbprints. Finally, the crowd was happy as Mrs. Hucklesworth handed out NNA inkless thumbprint pads to the crowd and they started thumbprinting each other. The proceeding looked more like apes playing with a new toy at the zoo, but at least happy apes.

The moral of the story is that the talk went well by 2017 standards because the studends didn’t try to drown the speaker out with noise machines. For people who love freedom of speech so much, why would you use noise machines? That is the line that separates liberals from leftists. Liberals like the idea of a free discussion of ideas and will entertain any idea no matter whether it is offensive or not to them or their peers. Liberalism seems dead in America and more tolerated by Rightists at this juncture in history which is ironic — don’t ya think?

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November 24, 2017

A Notary from Florida travels to India

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Humorous Posts — Tags: , , — admin @ 10:53 am

A customer went to a Notary in Florida.

CUSTOMER: I need to be notarized. Can you notarize me?

FLORIDA NOTARY: Sure I can. I just need a document.

CUSTOMER: Here is the document.

FLORIDA NOTARY: You already signed it. I cannot notarize it.

CUSTOMER: That’s not what the law says. Notaries are required to know their state laws. And anyway, you can verify the signature when I sign your journal.

FLORIDA NOTARY: But my state doesn’t require me to keep a journal.

CUSTOMER: What if I give you a fake ID, steal a million dollars from Fred’s house, and then disappear. You are the one who will be the suspect in court because you have no evidence to defend yourself. You became a Notary to make a few extra bucks and now look what happened.

FLORIDA NOTARY: I don’t think I feel comfortable notarizing you.

CUSTOMER: I don’t think I feel comfortable being notarized BY you.

(one month later)

Mr. FIBBS: My house was compromised and I’m out a million dollars. You were the Notary who notarized the transaction. The FBI is investigating and we need to see your journal.

FLORIDA NOTARY: Oh, I don’t keep a journal because my state doesn’t require me to.

FBI: Mr. Florida Notary, please come with us. You are under arrest for identity fraud conspiracy.

FLORIDA NOTARY: But, I’m not in cahutz with anyone. I just notarized a document.

FBI: Yes, but without the journal and a journal thumbprint, you are covering up incriminating evidence which makes you look very suspicious which is why you are under arrest.

Mr. FIBBS: My life is ruined and all because of that damn Notary and the damn Florida Notary Division which doesn’t require the one thing that would have saved my finances — namely a journal with paw prints. Boo hoo hoo. I’ll be in a mess for at least a year and could end up homeless too.

(two days later after paying bail.)

FLORIDA NOTARY: Oh no, my son needs a new kidney and the only place I can get one is in India. I’ll book our flights today and hope I get back in time for my court appearance as a suspect in an identity fraud ring.

RAHUL: Yes, Ms. Frieda Florida Notary Public. We can have your kidney which you have been on a list for two years come in on Friday. It will be no problem. You will need to show up at that Rajeev Gandhi National Hospital in Bangalore on the 3rd. Will that be okay?

FLORIDA NOTARY: Yes, that will be fine.

TAXI DRIVER: Where are you going?

FLORIDA NOTARY: We are going to the Rajeev Gandhi Hospital in JP Nagar in Bangalore.

TAXI DRIVER: That will be 80 rupees. Meter broken.

(ten minutes later there was a terrible crash.)

FLORIDA NOTARY: Oh no, we’ve been in a deadly car crash since we were dodging that elephant to the right and that ox to the left. My son is dead. And this cab has no seatbelts. You Mr. Taxi Driver are responsible for my son’s death because there are no seatbelts in this vehicle.

TAXI DRIVER: Oh no, you see in India, we are not LEGALLY REQUIRED to have seatbelts. So, you see it is not my fault. Accidents happen, what can you do?

FLORIDA NOTARY: Now my life is ruined because of that damned taxi driver and the damned Indian government for not requiring thumbprints.

(coincidentally, the driver carrying the kidney was in the car that crashed into Florida Notary and was also killed because he too was not wearing a seatbelt, and the kidney went flying out the window and ended up on the back of an elephant.)

TAXI DRIVER: Yes, Mr. pharmacist, I need some holistic remedy to a bug infestation in my house. What do you recommend?

PHARMACIST: There is tea tree oil. It is not expensive and microscopic insects are often killed from it.

(the taxi driver uses the tea tree oil and has a horrible reaction to it that ends him up in the hospital for two days.)

TAXI DRIVER: Hey, that oil you sold me is toxic to humans and you did not warn me.

PHARMACIST: The government of India, and coincidentally America does not regulate this type of products. You buy at your own risk.

(meanwhile Mr. Fibbs and his wife move to India since they lost almost all of their money in the identity theft and get exactly the same taxi driver that the Florida Notary did.)

Mr. FIBBS: Taxi! We are going to the Himalayas to live. We lost almost all our money because of this damn Notary. Can you believe it?”

TAXI DRIVER: Was she about 5’10”, dark hair and really annoying, with a thick Florida accent?

Mr. FIBBS: Yes, that was her. Why. Do you know her?

TAXI DRIVER: Never seen her in my life. No just kidding. She was in our car when a bus came out of nowhere and I had to swerve to the left and there was a terrible accident. This type of thing happens a lot in India. Maybe I’m telling you too much.

Mr. FIBBS: Well that woman deserves to die.

TAXI DRIVER: Funny that you mention that. And by the way, what do you do for a living?

Mr. FIBBS: I give investment advice.

TAXI DRIVER: Oh, I know somebody who needs advice at the pharmacy.

PHARMACIST: Yes, Mr. Fibbs. I am wanting to know, which US stocks are you liking?

Mr. FIBBS: You could pick a good index fund, but my favorite is Cola Cola stock. They have a good business model and solid management. I would put most of my money in that stock if I only bought one stock.

PHARMACIST: You saved my life.

(two weeks later coca-cola stock crashes, Mr. Fibbs and his wife decide it is better to be paupers in America then live in India under any circumstances and our characters all meet again.)

PHARMACIST: Mr. Fibbs. You are back. But, I have lost all my money. Coca-Cola stock crashed. You have given me very bad advice. Very very bad advice. You are a very very bad man.

Mr. FIBBS: First of all, Coca-Cola is a very solid company. But, you can’t buy a stock and sell it on a whim under unfavorable circumstances or you could lose your money with any stock. And second, I am NOT LEGALLY REQUIRED to back my investment advice. It is just an opinion and not an intrinsic truth. I am not a psychic.

PSYCHIC: Did someone call? I can tell you your future. You will be broke and die in misery. 50 rupees please. I need a new turban. This one makes me look fat.

ALL WATCHING: Get lost!!!!

PHARMACIST: You ruined my life. You damned investment advisor and your damn American laws not requiring that you take responsibility for what you tell people.

TAXI DRIVER: Well you almost ended my life with that tea tree oil without a warning.

FLORIDA NOTARY: (who came out of nowhere) well you ended my son’s life because you didn’t bother having seatbelts. It wouldn’t kill you to invest a thousand rupees to save someone’s life.

Mr. FIBBS: Well you ruined my finances by not having a journal. It costs $15 to have a journal and another $16 to get a thumbprinter from the NNA. I know this because I was so upset with you that I decided to become a Notary. But instead of being a shoddy Notary, I decided to become the most thorough Notary in the world besides Jeremy at 123notary.com who by the way is an ex-Notary, but a very thorough ex-Notary.

TAXI DRIVER: I guess we all ruined each others lives. Perhaps it is our karma that we should meet under such unfortunate circumstances.

GURU: I have been observing this entire conversation and situation for the last month and it is in deed very karmically perplexing, complex and yet still deeply interesting. I have only one more thing to say.

TAXI DRIVER: What’s that?

GURU: Tag — you’re it!!!!!

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You might also like:

I was forced to forge my own signature in India
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19306

Indian Notaries having an arranged marriage
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19222

Notary Indian tandoori restaurant
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16497

30 minute Islamic prayer break at a signing & other stories
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16185

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November 17, 2017

Finding Your Roots — Notary Edition

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:07 am

Harrison Stampworth was a guest on the show Finding Your Roots. His male lineage was a long line of Notaries Public going back to the time and general location of where George Washington was before the Revolutionary War. What Harrison didn’t initially realize was that his ancestors had committed some major Notarial crimes and were even prosecuted for them.

His 8th Great Grandfather Jedidiah got in a lot of trouble. He had a bunch of slaves, and was too lazy to do his own Notary work. So, he made his head slave Jarvis do the work for him. What Jedidiah didn’t know was that it was illegal to let anyone else use your seal. Eventually, Jedidiah got locked up for allowing another person to use his seal. The original sentence was three years, but it was lengthened another two because the person allowed to use the seal was not even a free man. Additionally, Jarvis got his freedom papers fraudulently notarized, but forgot to realize that while impersonating his Master as a Notary, he also impersonated his Master as the signer — and you can’t notarize yourself. So Jarvis and Jedidiah ended up in neighboring jail cells, each for completely different Notarial crimes.

His 7th Great Grandfather Eli Notarized John Hancock’s John Hancock signing the declaration of independence, but the document is still smudged to this day due to his sloppy clerical skills. He also asked Ben Franklin if he needed Notary services, and Ben told him to go fly a kite. Then he swore in a relative of George Washington who said, “I cannot tell a lie, but if I do, just make sure it’s not under Oath.” And then Eli said, “No problem, we’ll just do an Affirmation — I’ve always been a few hundred years ahead of my time. So chew on that!” — the other guy said, “If my teeth weren’t made of wood I’d take you up on your offer.”

Harrison’s 4th Great Grandmother Abitha headed the largest Notary Association of the 1800’s which was called Confederate Notary Association where their motto was, “Keep it civil.” She used giant Notary seals to smuggle bullets across enemy lines to confederate soldiers. Another noteworthy piece of information about Abitha was that she died on the exact day of her commission’s expiration date right after she had her daily tea and beignets.

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November 10, 2017

Protesters & A statue of a Notary who had slaves

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:09 am

There is a town in Virginia where there is a statue of Franklin Bends. Franklin was a Notary Public in his day and also had slaves. A group of leftists surrounded the statue and wanted to either vandalize it, or take it down entirely. Meanwhile another group called, Notary lives matter got word of this protest and went to defend the statue. Their argument was that this man was an important part of history even though he had committed some sins according to the modern way of thinking. The second argument was that five hundred years from now when there are statues of violent and irratic protesters, those statues will be knocked down because five hundred years from now they will be prejudiced against people do drugs, act crazy and destroy things.

The the protesters asked, “How do you know that?” The NLM leader said, “I just made that up — no just kidding, I asked my psychic.” Then the protesters asked, “Well how reliable is he?” NLM retored, “He’s accurate a lot of the time.” The head of the protesters asked, “Do you have his card or something. I need a psychic right now. My last one skipped town.” Then the NLM guy said, “I knew you were going to ask that… okay, I didn’t, but my psychic did, or at least I predict that he would.”

The NLM leaders said that destroying the statue would not change the past, or improve the future — it would just be an act of destruction and erasing our history and heritage. Can you imagine a world where history has been twisted or completely erased? Would you want to live in that type of world? History could not repeat itself because it wouldn’t have happened yet, plus there would be one less category on Jeopardy.

Then the protesters explained that we already lived in that type of world because history is taught from the point of view of the people who won wars, and that Native Americans are always represented as savage fighters or helpless victims simply because that is the only information the historians had on them. If the Native Americans had written history, they would have shown life as normal and then Custer coming out of nowhere and destroying them.

NLM rebutted that the protesters had a good point but were digressing, but not regressing. NLM decided that they would compromise by having the protesters create a statue of protesters protesting the statue of the Notary instead of smashing things down. The protesters agreed and so did the birds (tweet tweet) who were protesting that there were no transgender statues for them to go to the bathroom on — an interesting twist on transgender Avian bathrooms.

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You might also like:

Finding your roots — Notary edition
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19694

Notary speaker offends college students
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19395

Black Notaries vs. White Notaries: The Notary Manual
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19322

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November 3, 2017

Notary Sexual Harassment Issues

Many lady Notaries are afraid to go to a single man’s house for obvious reasons. But, the type of harrassment in this blog article will surprise even you guys who read my blogs regularly. Here are some bizarre situations that would happen.

The client wanted to get it on with the Notary. The Notary was offended, but NOT because the client wanted to get it on with him, but because the client wanted to do it do it with him and his stamp. The Notary said, “I’m not into that!”

The next situation involves the Notary chasing a woman around a desk (sounds like a Hindi movie) to get her signature. The woman resists because she claims she doesn’t know the Notary well enough to sign his journal. Sounds like a Beetles song, “Baby let me sign your journal.”

The last situation happened with Will from Will and Grace. Will had a male Notary who was straight who was offended because of how Will kept talking about how he wanted to be Notarized. Will: “Oh, NOTARIZE me, STAMP me, STAMP me all night long. Oh, whip out that embosser. Oh, you… Do you want me to SIGN something? I want to SIGN your BOOK. Oh please let me sign your book! Are you going to hold my thumb when we do journal thumbprints?” Then the Notary said, “Oh, my state doesn’t require thumbprints.” Then Will said, “in that case, you’re fired, but before I fire you, are you going to stamp me for approval?”

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You might also like:

Compilation of posts about Notary dating & romance
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17451

The Sexting Notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19727

Don’t have unprotected Notarizations
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19467

The sexist Notary Dentist
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16513

You will be all alone with me
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=3430

The Mannequin Signer
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=3178

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October 22, 2017

Heard of PC? What about Notarily Correct?

Some people like to be politically correct and use all of the correct language that the neo-marxists want to control us into using. Some of us go around pushing our semantic preferences on others which gets very offensive after a while. The Notary community has been affected by this political correctness too.

We used to have only Oaths, but now we have Affirmations to please the unbelievers as well as those who are ultra-religious and don’t believe in swearing. The problem is that Notaries are so intimidated by the people who are anti-swearing that Notaries deliver Affirmation verbiage when you ask for specifically for an Oath because they are afraid to offend you. I am very offended that you did NOT mention swear in my Oath? I fail people on quizzes because they omit the word, “swear.” If someone doesn’t want to swear do an Affirmation, but you cannot mix and match notary verbiages and procedures. In an Affirmation you affirm, in an Oath you swear. Anthing different would be like a pimp with a health plan. There I go again! I meant to say Pimp-American and we can no longer say health plan but most say PPO, or HMO, or for pimps they now have a PMPO. The bottom line is that the leftist politically correct people have taken over, we have lost our freedom of speech, and most Notaries don’t know their Notary acts at all which is a disaster. The only people who can come to our defense include Bill Meyer and Family Guy!

But, what about being Notarially Correct? Is there such a thing and should there be? To be politically correct when someone orders their coffee black, you ask, “Don’t you mean African-American?”

You certify an acknowledged signature
But, when you Acknowledge a signature as a Notary, what you really mean is that you Certify and Acknowledged signature — and no, it is not just semantics. Because it is not the Notary who acknowledged the signature, it is the signer who acknowledges, the Notary certifies and notarizes.

You got your Notary commission
Many ignorant and notarially incorrect people say, “I just got my Notary.” or “I just got my certificate.” What they mean is that they just received the certificate that certifies them as a state commissioned Notary. The more NC way of saying this is, “I just received my Notary commission.”

Are you a Notary Public?
Some people ask if you are a Notary Republic, a Noterary, or a Notarizer. How ignorant can you get? A Notary Public is a public servant who does Notary work. They work for the public and hence have the term public in their name. A Notary Public may not turn down a legal request from the public otherwise they would be a Notary Private. And you are not a nation, so you are not a Notary Republic any more than Banana Republic is a Republic although I love their button down tropical shirts!

Send me an acknowledgment certificate
Some people say, “Hey, send me a Jurat in the mail.” This sounds like an illegal request. But, if they mean an acknowledgment certificate they better get their terms straight. The two notary acts are not the same.

Filling in your journal the wrong way is also not notarially correct. The correct and thorough methodology is one journal entry per person per document and include additional notes about the signer and a thumbprint. Your state might not require it but the judge who you will be facing will appreciate your prudency and so will 123notary!

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You might also like:

Compilation of posts about Notary & Politics
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=20357

A Notary guest speaker gets harassed by students
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19700

Comedy Central Notary Roast
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17462

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October 6, 2017

A dream about Baskin Robbins

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 12:40 am

Running 123notary is quite grueling. If I sometimes (or usually) seem impatient, it is because I have so many things to do and not enough time. Sometimes after working many hours I like to go out for ice cream. As a child we had Baskin Robbins nearby. But, in my neighborhood, they closed down the only 31 flavors many years ago. But, I was in San Gabriel in a Chinese neighborhood where they still have them. So, I got pistachio almond which did not exist when I was little. There is something about the texture of their ice cream. I just don’t like the new boutique creameries as much as good old fashioned Baskin Robbins.

But, then I had a dream. I was confronted with a tray with twelve scoops of ice cream in a kitchen. But, I only had one. I guess I had this dream because their ice cream meant so much to me. After that I had a dream about a psycho Notary who I had a problem with.

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September 16, 2017

A Notary at a Bat-Mitzvah

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:49 pm

A Notary who was down on his luck with women tried some new strategies for meeting women. He went to a comedy club, but bombed even worst than the amateur comedian who asked him to notarize a joke. The Notary said, your comedy act IS a joke! Then the Notary struck out when going to a Bat-Mitzvah.

Then the Notary (who had a lot of Jewish friends) decided that the Bat-Mitzvah was much better than the Bar-Mitzvah because people didn’t get drunk playing baseball there.

After that, the Notary had to drive through a part of town with heavy traffic while he was on the phone with the Bar-Mitzvah boy. Our Notary said he wanted to circument the traffic by taking a side route, but the 13 year old recently Bar-Mitzvah’ed boy recommended that instead — he circumsize the area!

Then the 13 year old boy described his problem to the Notary. The boy went to the Orthodox Notary and said, Can you do an Abrucha Notarization on my skateboard? The Orthodox Notary said, I would love to, but what is that thing you have with the wheels on it. Then he went to the Converservative Notary and the Notary said, I like the way you think kid, but I really can’t do such an act — it wouldn’t be kosher. Then the boy went to a Reformed Notary and said, ‘Notary, can you do an Abrucha Notary blessing on my skateboard?” The Notary said, “Nice skateboard, my cousin has one just like it, but tell me — what is an abrucha Notarization?”

Then the Notary said, “No problem, I’ll do an Abrucha Notarization for you on an Oath, or sworn written statement — your choice. The Oath will be in English, and then I’ll say some prayer.”

After that, the Notary went to one of those Shabbat dinners at a Kabbalistic Shul. During dinner, he said, “I want to make a joke about Reformed Rabbis.” Then a Reformed Rabbi got up and said, “I’m a Reformed Rabbi.” Then the Notary said,

NOTARY: “Good, then you’ll get the joke — or not, because the whole point of the joke is to make fun of the fact that Reformed Rabbis don’t get it — like not knowing what Abrucha is or other Hebrew terminology.”

REFORMED RABBI: Not knowing what what is?

NOTARY: Thanks for playing along with me.

REFORMED RABBI: I wasn’t playing along.

NOTARY: That’s the ammunition for the joke then!

REFORMED RABBI: Well, did you hear about the Notary Public who didn’t know what “Scilicit” or “Locus Sigilli” mean?

NOTARY: Who didn’t know what what meant?

REFORMED RABBI: It seems that you know a lot about Judaism, but nothing about how to be a Notary

NOTARY: Listen, I might not know how to be a good Notary, and you might not know how to be a good Rabbi, but both of us are better than that pathetic comedian I saw yesterday — his comedy routine was a joke!

REFOFORMED RABBI: Not as much of a joke as the goalee I hired for our last Bat-Mizvah!

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September 8, 2017

Notary speaker offends college students

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Humorous Posts,Popular on Linked In — admin @ 11:53 pm

A Notary is hired to do a speech for college students in Berkeley. But, everything he says offends them.

NOTARY: Welcome class. Today I am here to speak of the duties of the Notary Public. A notary is appointed by the Secretary of State or Notary division in the prospective Notary’s respective state.

SUZIE: Like… Notaries should be able to do whatever they want man… Screw the rules.

NOTARY: Well, if you ignore the rules, you could end up losing your commission and ending up in jail

JACK: That’s fascist man… Not fair. Let’s throw things!!!!!

NOTARY: I’ll call for police back up if you throw one thing.

JACK: I knew you were on their side. You’re a rightist extremist!!!

SUZIE: So, what about women. Do women have equal opportunities in the Notary world or is there a glass ceiling like in the rest of the world where we have “equal” opportunities.

NOTARY: Actually, now that you mention it, the reason for the pay gap between men and women in jobs at large worldwide stems from the fact that women work three hours less per week than men — assuming they work at all. Additionally, men are more willing to do dirty, dangerous, technical and otherwise unpleasant work while women prefer to do work that is more socially gratifying, involving people, healing, children, and that lead to a balanced life even if it pays less. The result is that women have more balanced lives but get paid less. If you compare apples to apples for women and men with the same amount of experience, neither of whom take a maternity leave and work the same amount of hours and with the same vigor and skill level, women actually get paid slightly more than men.

SUZIE: Bullshit!!!! That’s sexist! Let’s start a riot!!!!

NOTARY: I have the police on speed dial if you can’t control yourself.

JACK: This guy’s a fascist — let’s get the noise maker and drown him out so he can’t be heard!!!!

NOTARY: I am here for your benefit so you will do better in the real world. If you want to undermine that opportunity, that hurts you, not me.

FRANK: Good point. I think we need to listen instead of antagonizing the Notary, even if that means compromising our “values” of attacking anyone we falsely accuse of being right wing, unfair or fascist when we are the ones who are unfair fascists of a left-wing variety.

SUZIE: You said it!! Wait a second. Could you repeat that?

NOTARY: Yes, by preventing people from speaking by force you are imposing a vigilante style neo-marxist fascism. If more people did that, we would all lose our freedom of speech just like in many other countries — which would be bad, unless it was only you guys losing your freedom of speech as well as the freedom to throw things which is considered a felony.

FRANK: I’m in your boat on this one. Or on the wagon. Or… I just quit smoking so, maybe I’m off the wagon. Not sure…. Go on!

NOTARY: A Notary’s job includes Acknowledging signatures, administering Oaths, taking Jurats, and sometimes a few other tasks, but those are the main three. Official acts can vary from state to state, but all states have Acknowledgments, Jurats, and Oaths.

JACK: You mean like Quaker Oaths?

NOTARY: No, Jack, an Oath is where you raise your right hand and swear to tell the truth like when they swore in Donald… bad example, like how they would have sworn in Hillary Clinton had the election not been rigged.

FRANK: Traitor!!!

SUZIE: I had you all wrong. I LOVE you Mr. Notary. Would you date me? It would be like how Ross dated that college student on Friends.

NOTARY: Oh God. I’m just trying to appease the situation, but it seems I made an enemy out of Frank in the process. In any case, an Acknowledged signature is when a signer signs a document. They can take it later on to a Notary and have the Notary fill out a form stating they acknowledge signing the document. They do not have to sign in the presence of the Notary, but do need to show ID and personally show up in front of the Notary. A Jurat requires the signer to sign in front of the Notary and swear to the truthfulness of the document.

SUZIE: How romantic. It sounds like getting married. By the way, you have pretty blue eyes!

JACK: I do!!!

NOTARY: Sometimes a Notary will need credible witnesses to swear in a signer who doesn’t have an ID.

FRANK: Wait… credible what-nisses?

NOTARY: Witnesses

FRANK: Are you doing something criminal where there are witnesses? Do you have a witness protection program?

NOTARY: Honestly, you people are such a bunch of dumb-asses!!!

JACK: Ha ha ha… That’s what I think to. I’m around this type of behavior so much I don’t even notice it. It’s like being in the 8th grade perpetually, except in the 8th grade I didn’t understand the meaning of perpetual.

SUZIE: Yeah, neither did I. I thought a perpetual was a pervert.

NOTARY: They could be… Or they could be a perpetrator. Anyway…Now this is a Notary Journal. The signer has to sign the document as well as the Notary journal right here….

JACK: Woah… Can I sign?

SUZIE: Yeah, I wanna sign too!!!

FRANK: Aren’t you supposed to have a document being Notarized to sign this? Signing the journal is not just for fun. Let’s be serious. Oh wait… Is that the fee section? How much do you dudes get paid? I need a career when I get out of this joint.

NOTARY: Notaries now make $15 per signature. If you have ten signatures to notarize in an hour, you can give a discount or make up to $150.

JACK: Wow, I make $9.25 per hour, that’s like what I make in an hour in a half. I’m becoming a Notary. Can you be a felon and still become a Notary?

NOTARY: No..

JACK: Good, that will weed out the competition — cuz, like, I’m not a felon. I don’t even look like one.

NOTARY: Well that’s the main thing, isn’t it!

SUZIE: I had you so wrong. I love you Notary man! Oh… I’m going back home to write a song about blue eyed Notary man… How I dream of Notary man.

NOTARY: It was nice meeting you all. Here is my card in case you ever need a Notary, or in your case a date who is twice your age. But, as they say — age is just a number.

SUZIE: And Notary fees are just a number that will help when you take me out to a French Cafe called Le Jurat!

NOTARY: It’s a date. Don’t tell the Dean of students. He’ll crucify me.

SUZIE: If he does, we’ll riot and he knows that. He has his hands tied. This place is run by anarchists, not the Dean.

JACK: Yup!!!! And we wouldn’t have it any other way!

FRANK: Speak for yourself!
.

You might also like:

Compilation of posts about Notary & Politics
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=20357

Affirmations — pleasing the politically correct while offending traditional folks.
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19606

Heard of PC? What about Notarily Correct?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19463

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