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August 26, 2019

Don’t misspell business names

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:51 pm

Imagine that you are careless and misspell business names.

123notary could become our competitor Notary123.

NNA could become the NRA.

Complete Closers could become Complete Losers. Imagine!

So be careful when you write about Notary companies — or else!

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August 25, 2019

Hashtag #awkward

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:50 pm

A Notary goes to get tacos on his way to a signing. But, he has never been to that taco place before.

LADY: We eat here all the time. Have you ever been here before?

NOTARY: No, this is my first time… umm. Oh God, that came out sounding horrible. Umm. What I meant was this is my first time here, not my overall first time ummm, embarrasing, now I’m sounding even worse. Hmm. Let’s change the topic. Do you like al pastor tacos?

LADY: Are you a comedian or something? You had us both laughing.

NOTARY: Laughing at me or with me?

LADY: A little of both, but at least you made us laugh. So, what are you doing after having tacos?

NOTARY: Oh God. Umm. I’m doing a loan signing.

LADY: Oh, do you do a lot of that?

NOTARY: Here we go again. No. It is my first time doing that too. I’m new at a lot of things.

LADY: Oh… So, do you like to try new things?

NOTARY: Hashtag awkward. I feel like this is a Jack in the Box commercial. I don’t know. I guess it depends on what the things are.

LADY: Well, what are you doing after the signing? After all, I like a Notary who can make a girl laugh.

NOTARY: Let’s see, the term “girl” seems to be an overstatement… Oh God… Awkward.

LADY: Hey, I’m 43, but I look young, okay?

NOTARY: Yes, I guess it’s a figure of speech.

LADY: Please leave my figure out of it. Even my speech is watching its figure, that is why I got the lettuce wraps.

NOTARY: Oh (enthusiastically) that is a good idea. And you do look young for 43. You look like a young 43, like you are closer to 42, but right after your birthday.

LADY: What an awkward compliment — but, I’ll take it. Sounds like the compliment I made when I was abducted by a 435 year old extra terrestrial. I told him he didn’t look a day over 429 and he said thank you… I think. They erased a lot of my memory after that trip so it is hard to remember the exact verbiage.

NOTARY: I am going home to sleep. But, I will think about you for sure.

LADY: Would you like to check my ID to make sure I’m really a young 43?

NOTARY: You talked me into it. Waiter — more salsa please!

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Notary Pick Up Lines Part 1
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Jane the Virgin Notary
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August 24, 2019

Inappropriate things you could do at a signing

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:49 pm

Here is a list of inappropriate things you could do at a signing.

1. Visit the other rooms of the signer’s house and make comments.

2. Park in their driveway without permission.

3. Flirt with the borrower’s wife.

4. Ask the signers to hurry up and sign a little faster.

5. Watch youtube on your iphone during the signing and laugh loudly.

6. Call your girlfriend / boyfriend during the signing multiple times.

7. Dress as you would dress going to the beach or going to a nightclub.

8. Comment loudly on the borrower’s rate — “Oh my god you’re paying 5.3%?”

9. Fall asleep at the signing table.

10. Refuse to leave once the signing is finished!

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August 23, 2019

More on bad boy Notaries

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:49 pm

I wrote a blog article about the difference between bad boy Notaries and “nice” Notaries. It seems that “nice” Notaries are basically not nice at all, but a bunch of losers who want to attain other’s positive opinion and never assert themselves. The intrinsic meaning of “nice” means that you care for others which is very different from caring about how others think of you which is selfish in a lame sort of a way.

Here are some more things a bad boy Notary could do.

1. The “nice” guy Notary arrives in his Toyota Corolla or Honda, parks on the street even if he has to walk three blocks.
The bad boy Notary arrives at the signing driving a Harley. Of course, if the Harley was really noisy that would add to the bad boy appeal.

2. The ‘nice” guy Notary read copious reviews on buying the most sensible laser printer on the market, yet ends up with one that is broken half the time and works at the speed of a snail because his budget was too small. The bad boy Notary invests in a mega printer that spits out 40 pages per minute (on a bad minute) and never breaks, and also has a three year guarantee. When the bad boy Notary introduces his printer he says, and I quote, “check out this bad boy.”

3. The “nice” guy Notary neatly stacks the blank pages (if any) in the stack of loan documents. The bad boy Notary
makes spitballs out of the blank pages in the stack of loan documents, or makes paper airplanes. Japanese bad boys prefer to do origami with the blank pages and show off their Yakuza tattoos and explain the story of each tattoo. The bad boy notary could also play hang man with customers using blank pages (and even hang them if they lose.)

4. The “nice” guy Notary refuses to answer phone calls during the signing because he feels it might upset the client. The bad boy Notary realizes that he will miss his next job assignment as well as tomorrow’s job assignments if he misses phone calls, texts and emails, so he is watching them like a hawk. Moreover, he is concerned that his various lady friends might call while at the signing and he definitely doesn’t want to miss their calls.

5. The “nice” guy Notary explains to the borrower why page three on the 1003 is left blank and then gets funny looks. The bad boy Notary plays tic tac toe with the customer using page three of the 1003. Sounds kind of lame, but is a way to use the page that says, “this page intentionally left blank.”

6. The “nice” guy Notary invests big bucks going to all of the NNA conferences, learns some, and makes a handful of connections that he could have made by making a few phone calls. The bad boy Notary reads Jeremy’s blog and masters the materials in the free courses, gets a few mentors by networking with Jeremy, Carmen and the other more experienced people in the industry, AND, writes sarcastic and mildly inappropriate responses to Jeremy’s blogs… (hmmm, sounds like Ken.)

7. The “nice” guy Notary let’s his customers rack up a huge bill without complaining. After all, he is afraid that they will stop sending business his way. The bad boy Notary has a credit limit with customers which he expects them to honor. If the don’t he will cancel a job at the last minute and send a text saying, “Paypal what you owe me or find another Notary, punk!” Ouch! Once again, sounds a little like Ken, except Ken asks to be paid up front as a standard business practice. I wonder if Ken wears a leather jacket? Ken also doesn’t call people punks… he calls them turkeys instead. (gobble gobble.)

8. The “nice” guy Notary wants to attracts any client he can and is afraid to lose any client. The bad boy Notary realizes that there are some people with more time than money, and others with more money and less time — he prefers the latter and charges them appropriately. If the client is not in a position to pay big and pay fast, bad boy Notary doesn’t have a use for them.

9. The “nice” guy Notary carries pepper spray in the car just in case. Better safe than sorry. The bad boy Notary carries pepper spray in the car, on his person, a gun, has a knife collection and a club. After all, you never know what is coming. Additionally, bad boy Notary always sits closest to the door not because he is afraid — he is just thinking ahead of the game just in case something happens. You always have to have an escape plan.

10. The “nice” guy Notary always brags that he knows what he is doing and talks endlessly about his “experience.” The bad boy Notary is certified five times over and keeps his cool when talking to clients. He answers questions the way they were ask, and doesn’t try to insert little self-promoting statements into the conversation when unnecessary. He figures if someone wants to know about his background in Escrow or the 10,000 loans he signed (or claims to have signed) they will ask. He plays it cool and gets the job, because he is very professional and not at all annoying contrary to the “nice” Notary who falls on his face trying to do a snow job or smoke screen.

So, there you have it. Nice guys finish last not because they are nice, but because they are lame and unprepared, not to mention stupid. Stay ahead of the game and be a bad boy Notary. But, perhaps without the Harley as that pointer is not that critical. However the Harley jacket has been scientifically proven to attract babes.

You might also like:

Are you a bad boy Notary?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22380

Ken’s take on how to be a bad boy-girl, person, Notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22374

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August 19, 2019

A notary goes to a motivational event, but has a hearing problem

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:54 pm

Frank the Notary went to a motivational speech to try to improve his way of thinking. But his hearing was off. The speaker said, “Become the best version of yourself.” But, Frank heard something different.

All throughout the speech, the teacher made lame gender related jokes, and Frank tried to laugh extra hard. The speaker made some lame joke about how Jack and Jill went up the hill but did more than just fetch a pail of water and Frank laughed his head off. After about two hours of this, the teacher came to have a one on one talk with Frank.

SPEAKER: Hi Frank, is that what your name tag says?

FRANK: Pardon my handwriting. I get a little jittery around all of this sexy ladies.

SPEAKER: There are only two ladies under fifty here and trust me they are nothing to look at.

FRANK: You know what I mean.

SPEAKER: I think you misheard me when I began this lecture. I said be the best version of yourself, not the best virgin.

FRANK: Ohhhhh! Now you tell me. And I was trying so hard too! Now I will be Frank 3.1

SPEAKER: Well thank God for that. And thank God you finally lost your virginity.

FRANK: What a relief!

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Notary Suicide Hotline
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=6995

A dream about Michelle Obama’s inspirational speech
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=20028

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August 5, 2019

Notary High School (80’s Style)

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:56 am

Back in the day, they used to teach notary classes in high school just in case some of the students would one day become Notaries. They taught it in the same room they taught typing incidentally which is interesting as both types of work are clerical in nature.

TEACHER: Now class, please turn to page forty. The duties of the Notary Public are to Acknowledge signatures, take Oaths, execute Jurats, and my psychic says that in the future there will be this thing called an Affirmation.

SAM (a 15 y/o student): Hey teacher, you’re a lot hotter than the last teacher we had. Taking your class is going to be a dream come true.

TEACHER: Thank you Sam for your vote of confidence. I truly am glad to know that I indeed am hot, at least in your eyes, and thank you for making your astute observation using correct grammar.

SAM: No problem teach! Any time!

TEACHER: Oh, let’s see. There appears to be a love note on my desk. Well, thank God this class isn’t like the last class. My students hated me.

BRUCE: You’re not going to have that problem here, baby… I mean… teach!

TEACHER: That’s Mrs. Bates to you, but once again, I appreciate your vote of confidence. Let’s see what the letter says. “My love for you has no bounds, I feel like howling like the hounds, my feelings towards you I wish not to belittle or smalledge, but to thee, my love, I sincerely wish to Acknowledge.” Wow! This is not poorly written at all. I would like to instill upon you the notion that I am married, and although your feelings are appreciated, they unfortunately cannot go anywhere.

SAM: Hey, may the better man win. Your husband must have something we don’t have.

TEACHER: Yes, its something called a job… and also maturity, but that’s a completely different matter. Now, moving right along. An Acknowledgment is a notary act where the signer acknowledges having signed a document. They make this formal declaration in the physical presence of the Notary.

CHRIS: Let’s get physical… physical. Is it kind of like that song. You know the Olivia Newton song?

TEACHER: Very much so, but with no dancing. Any questions?

SAM: Yeah… Do you like younger guys?

TEACHER: I like younger people just fine. However, I cannot entertain the idea of the type of relationship you are most likely thinking about.

BRUCE: Do you attest to that? And also… What are you doing after class?

TEACHER: Grading papers. How romantic. See you tomorrow.

(The next day)

TEACHER: Hello class. Many teachers might be cross with you or stern after getting an inappropriate love note.

SAM: What was inappropriate about it? I thought it was well written and didn’t contain any bad words. That’s as appropriate as we get over in this school.

TEACHER: Yes, I see what you mean. But, you see that it is not appropriate to make romantic suggestions to your teacher. It violates teacher-student ethics.

BRUCE: What are ethics? Do Guns and Roses use ethics.

TEACHER: Well, you see, some people think it is morally wrong for teachers and students to have romantic interludes, but if it weren’t wrong, I assure you, that some of you handsome young people here, might be in business. Oh my God, I can’t believe I said that. Father, forgive me. But, my husband found out about the note and guess how he feels?

CHRIS: Uh oh, do I need to change my name and move to a different town and assume a new identity so I don’t get killed or mamed?

TEACHER: Actually, he feels flattered, and he feels more sexy than I have ever seen him feel in his life. He is all excited that his wife is a hot chick that is in demand.

SAM: Woah, I’m glad we could make your family feel all good Ms. Bates. I totally dig that. But, what I want to know now is, “Where do we go, where do we go now, where do we go… sweet child of mine….”

TEACHER: Let me guess, these are lyrics to that new group Titanium… Oh, maybe they are called Platinum. Do they wear really tight pants, look like women from an asylum and scream when they sing?

BRUCE: No, you must be thinking of Motley Crew. This group is called Guns & Roses. The ironic thing is that they don’t own any guns. But, the lead guitar guy wears this really cool hats from the 1800’s which I totally respect because if there is one subject that I like more than biology, it’s history.

TEACHER: I’m glad to know you are learning something Bruce. Anyway, a Jurat is a notarization where you swear to the truthfulness of a document and sign it in the presence of a Notary.

SAM: Is that also a physical presence? Because I noticed that your verbiage was adulterated oh so slightly.

BRUCE: I like your choice of semantics there — adulterated. Someone might feel adulterated really soon because they are in some particular person’s physical presence.

TEACHER: I understand what you mean Bruce, but it doesn’t mean exactly that. You have to be more than in a physical presence to commit adultry.

CHRIS: Can children commit adultery, or only adults?

SAM: Yeah, wouldn’t it be childery if we committed it?

BRUCE: Hey wait a second, if a child committed adultery with an adult, wouldn’t that be childery as well as adultery, or would that depend on which party in the transaction you were a part of.

TEACHER: Children, this is a very interesting discussion. There is no such thing as childery, and for your information, adultery involves inappropriate sexual behavior between a married person and someone else who is not part of that holy union.

SAM: Holy union… I mean holy cow… By jove, I think I’ve got it now.

CHRIS: Well in any case compadres, we made teach’s husband feel like a complete stud. I say our mission was a success and we can all go home now… providing that we finished our written assignment writing a paragraph about each notary act.

TEACHER: I couldn’t have said it better myself. Glad we could learn about notary work as well as adultery all in one short class, not to mention making my husband feel better than he has felt in over a decade. But, I have to go soon as well.

SAM: Why, are you going to grade more papers?

TEACHER: No, I have an appointment at Victoria’s Secret. I haven’t been there in 15 years, but now there seems to be a reason to go — thanks to certain young people with inquisitive minds, and when I say inquisitive, you know what I mean!

BRUCE: Right, like in the Spanish inquisition — they were the most inquisitive people I ever read about in history.

TEACHER: That means something completely different. But, have a wonderful day boys! Ta ta!

You might also like:

Most Popular Notary Jokes
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=8471

Are you a bad boy notary?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22380

Notarize you like a hurricane
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22168

Notary Happy Days goes to China
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16536

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August 2, 2019

Are you a bad boy Notary?

Filed under: Humorous Posts — Tags: — admin @ 7:55 am

What defines a bad boy Notary? They are just like any other Notary in most respects, but there are differences as well.

1. The bad boy Notary has this, “Don’t give a damn” attitude. He is particular about legal issues because you can get into real trouble for that. But, other things he is less concerned about.

2. The “nice guy” Notary parks on the street or asks permission to park in the driveway. The bad boy Notary parks in the driveway even if there is plenty of room on the street and then says, “Hey baby, I parked in your driveway — I thought you wouldn’t mind.”

3. If the signer is an attractive female: The “nice guy” Notary says, “You’re very beautiful, would you like to go out with me some time?” When she says, “I have a boyfriend.” Then he says, “Oh, I didn’t realize.” When the bad boy Notary hears that she has a boyfriend, he whispers into her ear, “Does he satisfy you?”

4. If the signer is an attractive female: The “nice guy” Notary says, “You have a very pretty smile.” The bad boy Notary asks, “When was the last time you were spanked?”

5. The “nice guy” Notary says, please start here, and feel free to ask if you have any questions about the documents. The bad boy Notary says, “This is a signing appointment — I have another appointment at 8pm and cannot be late. You have borrowers copies that you can read after the signing is over. If you can’t finish by 7:25 I have to leave with all of the Lender documents signed or unsigned. The reality is that the “nice guy” notary will be delayed, end up late at his next appointment, horribly inconvenience the subsequent appointment and get fired. So much for being a pushover!

6. The “nice guy” Notary wears a business jacket. If he is upper class (which is rare in this profession) then he might wear tweed and use correct grammar. The bad boy Notary wears a leather jacket and perhaps a little oil in his hair depending on his personal style. He might wear cowboy boots too and will undoubtedly have a very firm handshake.

7. The “nice guy” Notary apologizes profusely if he needs to thumbprint a signer for legal reasons. The bad boy Notary says, “Hey, I’m gonna need to thumbprint you.” Then if you are a cute female, or perhaps an older female who he feels doesn’t get enough attention for males (which is something he will have to do something about) then he will read your palm and tell you about your love life and other factors.

8. The “nice guy” Notary holds on to packages if there is any reason the signing company might call back. But, sometimes he flakes, forgets to deliver them by cut off and gets severely reprimanded for being a twit. The bad boy Notary gets rid of the package because his attitude is, “that’s your problem, buddy” Yet the bad boy Notary never gets in trouble for getting rid of the package.

9. The “nice guy” Notary wonders why he doesn’t get much business. The bad boy Notary goes to title companies in person, gives flowers to the ladies, winks at them (particularly if they are married), and makes his round of calls to the several hundred signing companies he is associated with, flirts with them and gets used. He says things like, “So, are you as beautiful as person as you sound over the phone?” Women sometimes think he is cheesy (perhaps a brie if he has a French accent), but they never forget him. The nice guy notary gets overlooked and rarely used unless they are desperate.

10. The “nice guy” Notary whines when he doesn’t get paid. The bad boy Notary uses several attorneys and collection agencies and takes legal action against companies regularly. He gets some companies to sign a contract when they are desperate which allows him to collect for all types of damages. He is able to collect triple damages some of the time as well.

So, now we know some of the differences between a nice guy notary and a bad boy Notary. The question is, what can you learn from the bad boy Notary? Please write some comments if there are any other bad boy lessons you can teach us which I neglected to mention.

You might also like:

More on bad boy notaries
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22560

What constitutes a bad boy notary part 2
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22492

The Notary pride parade in West Hollywood
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22594

Most Popular Notary Jokes
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=8471

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August 1, 2019

Notarizing a Won’t

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 7:53 am

Have you ever notarized a Will? Well what about a Won’t? It is generally advised that you get written instructions for notarizing a Will as there might be negative side effects from doing so. However, what about a Won’t? What is a Won’t, and why would you (or wouldn’t you) sign one?

A Won’t
A Won’t is a document that says what you are unwilling to do. It is a favorite of cleaning ladies who say that they don’t do windows or that they Won’t do windows. Then there are hotel staff who won’t clean rooms and then wonder why their salary is a lot lower since the owner has to come at 2am to clean rooms as there is nobody on staff at that hour who can do it. And then there are Notaries who cannot and will not study to learn to be a better Notary since they think they already know it all. There are many reasons why you might sign a Won’t. But, this is what happened when one of our Notaries on file was at a Won’t signing.

NOTARY: Won’t you sign this Won’t for us?

SIGNER: Where do I sign, or should I say, where do I refuse to sign?

NOTARY: Right here.

SIGNER: Glad to know. Because after that I’m going to a Wedding where someone is waiting to say, “I don’t”

NOTARY: What’s the point?

SIGNER: It’s kind of a Seinfeldian “Un-wedding.”

NOTARY: With this ring I thee un-wed…, that kind of a thing.

SIGNER: You’re catching on man.

NOTARY: So, will you sign the Won’t right here?

SIGNER: Oh, do I owe you a travel fee.

NOTARY: $40 plus zero signatures at a rate of $15 per signature.

SIGNER: That sounds very reasonable. Here you go. Spend it wisely.

NOTARY: I mean I will, I mean I won’t…

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Notary class where students are full of wise cracks
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22570

Why is it worthwhile to notarize a Will?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22482

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July 24, 2019

I’m not that kind of Notary

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 4:51 am

It all started during a routine call. I asked a Notary if she did Helocs. She said, “I’m not that kind of Notary.” I then said that there is nothing wrong with Helocs. Unless it is below your standards. She said again, “I’m not that kind of Notary.” I felt like I had asked her to do something wrong, or dirty.

Notaries who worked at saloons in the Old West used the same type of rhetoric. People asked them to do all types of things. Each girl had their own standards and there were certain things they just wouldn’t do. One girl wouldn’t notarize for old guys. Another wouldn’t notarize for guys who smoked. A third would not notarize for guys who used bad language. And then there was Sassy. She would notarize for you even if you couldn’t hold a pen properly.

Sassy was a favorite of guys who went to saloons to get notarized. Their strategy was to get Sassy good and drunk — and then she would notarize anything, for anyone, anytime. But, if you asked her for the very same thing when she sobered up she would conveniently say, and emphatically say, “I’m not that kind of Notary!”

So, there you have it folks. Notaries in the cyber age, saloon age and stone age. The technology changes, but women do not. So, if you ever hire a woman to do a double reverse mortgage, you should first ask, “Are you the kind of girl who does double reverse mortgages?” Just don’t be surprised if you get a response such as, “Well I should say not!”

You might also like:

But, I’m still a virgin!
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14915

Notary Pick Up Lines Part 1
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=9851

A bar only for cool notaries
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22546

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July 23, 2019

My office or yours — the notary bar scene

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 4:50 am

I suggest against meeting Notaries in bars, and for simple reasons. Jeff once met a Notary at a bar, and the Notary took his interest the wrong way and asked, “My office or yours?” It’s easy for Notaries to get the wrong idea, especially if you meet them at the wrong place. That is why many people find Notaries using apps these days. You text them an offer, then they text you back hopefully within seconds and then you negotiate. My office or yours? That can affect the fee involved too.

But, if you meet a notary at their office, then they can’t ask, “My office or yours” since you are already at your office. Then, there are Notaries who like to wait for people at Starbucks. All I can say is, bring a good book, you’ll be reading it. Clients who go to Starbucks to get notarized typically keep the notary waiting around 25 to 45 minutes and you don’t get paid for that waiting time. If they pay in advanced by Paypal, you will at least get paid if they decide not to show up.

Another reason not to meet Notaries in bars is that they might do anything after they’ve had a few drinks. They might notarize an Affidavit without ID or spill tequila on your Warranty Deed after the Warranty has expired. So the moral of the story people is, if a Notary asks, “My office or yours,” You might consider shopping around for a more reliable sounding Notary, preferably not one whose prime was in the 70’s man!

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A bar only for cool Notaries
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22546

Notary small talk at bars
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=21242

Bartender Notary – a reverse mortgage on the rocks
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4080

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