Humorous Posts Archives - Page 2 of 11 - Notary Blog - Signing Tips, Marketing Tips, General Notary Advice - 123notary.com
123Notary

Notary Blog – Signing Tips, Marketing Tips, General Notary Advice – 123notary.com Control Panel

July 13, 2018

A dream about Michelle Obama’s inspirational speech

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 9:31 am

Can you imagine if Michelle Obama became a Notary? Nobody would complain that she came to an appointment without dressing well. But, what if she gave inspirational Notary speeches? Here is a speech I imagined while daydreaming.

As a Notary Public, there are many forces of nature that you have to deal with. Signing companies, interest rates, the secretary of state, the threat of law suits, and more. You have to hold your head up high and stay positive. You have to do your best when confronted with any obstacle. You have to keep the right mentality — so, here is how we do it.

When they sign down;
We sign up;

When they have the Power of Attorney;
We gravitate the power;

When their identification is missing a letter;
We don’t let that get us down (and also refuse to notarize);

When they cancel an appointment;
We schedule another one (or have a quick bite at Jack in the Box in the $1 menu.)

When they don’t pay us on time;
We bill them on time;

The other thing we do, is the Notary Mom dance. Watch this…. (the dance involves a huge Notary stamp she waves to the left and then waves to the right.)

I am all charged up now. I think Michelle Obama should lead the Notary industry. We’d all be a lot happier. But, she would probably make you know your notary basics which would put many of you out of business. But, it is never too late to learn!

.

You might also like:

10 ways female Notaries can protect themselves
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19196

The war between men and women notaries
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=3693

A Notary at a Bat-Mitzvah
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19389

Share
>

July 6, 2018

Trump in North Korea

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 9:31 am

TRUMP: I won’t hack you if you don’t hack us. And I have the best hackers of them all. I just have them devoted to defending us from hacking for ethical reasons.

KIM JONG UN: No deal. And stop calling me missile man. And the texts have to stop. It is demeaning. In my country you get thrown in the gulag for stuff like that.

TRUMP: Thank God I don’t live in your country. On the other hand, if I lived in your country, I wouldn’t have to put up with all the flack from angry people who hate me. Hmm. You know, maybe your country isn’t so bad, if you overlook that Twitter is either censored or not allowed.

KIM JONG UN: The human species lived for thousands of years without Twitter.

TRUMP: True, if you consider that to be “living.” The human species also lived for thousands of years without weird haircuts.

KIM JONG UN: There you go again, picking on me about my haircut, my missiles, next thing you know you will criticize my taste in women.

TRUMP: Due to recent allegations, I will refrain from commenting on that. In any case, I want to sign a non-hacking Affidavit. But, you have to sign first.

KIM JONG UN: A North Korean Notary cannot accept a driver’s license from a country like yours.

TRUMP: I have a passport too.

KIM JONG UN: We need to take you to the North Korean DMV and get you a real ID. They have good kimchee and sam-gyup-sal next door to the DMV.

TRUMP: Normally I would say no to this type of request, but I can imagine all the fun the late night television hosts will have with this one. Deal. I’ll get my Korean license. What do I need to bring?

KIM JONG UN: Bring your driver’s license, passport, and a personal letter of approval from your’s truly.

TRUMP: Great, then I can be notarized by a Korean Notary. My dreams are finally coming true. Next item of business. I can introduce you to a great company that builds walls if you want to build a wall on the Chinese border. You know how it is with people illegally entering, or in your case exiting your country.

KIM JONG UN: You know something Mr. Trump, I am beginning to like you more and more. I forgive you for your Twitter comments, can you give me the number of the wall building company? Great minds think alike. We are best friends now, like you and Putin.

TRUMP: Hey wait a second. That is a false statement. Putin and had a falling out because of a disagreement about a tennis game.

KIM JONG UN: Well, better than a disagreement about a notarization or haircut.

Share
>

July 1, 2018

SnapDocs wants to sell shares on Shark Tank

Filed under: Humorous Posts — Tags: , — admin @ 12:38 am

Disclaimer – This article is purely for comedic purposes and I very much doubt that SnapDocs wants to sell its shares to Shark Tank.

CONTESTANT: Hello sharks. I would like to sell 50% of my business SnapDocs to you. We are an innovative platform where someone can hire a Notary, pay the notary, download documents, and look up reliability stats all using our convenient platform. We charge a fee that changes over time for using our services and looking up Notary information. We make “x” amount of money per transaction with a yearly profit of “y” dollars. We have been in business several years, so we are not brand new, but we are growing and are going to attempt to take 123notary’s market share as they are the leader of the notary advertising industry — so far…

Mr. WONDERFUL: Can you show us a little about how your features work?

CONTESTANT: Yes, you see you can share snapdocs with friends by using this feature here, We can get hard to get information on title companies which is valuable for attracting notaries using this other feature, and our best feature is the “Beat 123notary” feature.

LORI: How does the beat 123notary feature work, because I’m interested?

CONTESTANT: Umm. Awkward. That feature doesn’t seem to be working now, but programming is on it. We get more clicks than 123notary now, but only from people who don’t pay their notaries that well. 123notary keeps getting the good jobs.

Mr. WONDERUL: Maybe that is because they have better Notaries than you.

BARBARA: What good is having the best technology if you have the worst Notaries?

CONTESTANT: We’re trying to talk the best Notaries into working for the fees offered from those who use our site.

Mr. WONDERFUL: And how low are those fees?

CONTESTANT: (awkward pause) Um… Someone made $125 the other day.

LORI: The other day? How about in general?

CONTESTANT: Hmm. Let’s change the topic of the conversation. I would like to sell 20% for One Million.

MARK: Since you’re making money from this, and it is unclear whether 123notary will take your market share or whether or not you will take theirs, I will offer $100,000 for 20%.

CONTESTANT: $100,000? That is what we pay programming in several months.

LORI: I’m out, because it is too unpredictable, and it is not exciting enough.

BARBARA: I’d rather buy part of 123notary. They really scrutinize their Notaries which results in a better quality site, even though the Notaries are always complaining about being scrutinized.

LORI: 123notary is not for sale. Jeremy says it is his baby and he will never sell unless he is unable to care for it anymore.

Mr. WONDERFUL: Or runs out of baby formula. I’m out.

.

You might also like:

Shark Tank – Notarizing in the shower for executives
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=20511

A signing company wants to sell shares on Shark Tank
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=20817

Shark Tank – Traffic Freezer for Notaries
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=20509

A Notary goes on Shark Tank with Shazamdocs!
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18943

Shark Tank – 123notary wants to sell 10% of its shares
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16021

Share
>

May 4, 2018

The Notary Plantation

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:44 am

Back in the 1800’s, Notaries had to pick signatures at The Notary Plantation. The irony of this blog is that one angry black notary told me that he didn’t work for my plantation any more back about eight years ago. I informed him that I don’t run a plantation, I provide advertising so that OTHER people’s Notary plantations can find you! How did I suddenly become the oppressor? I have never oppressed anyone so far. Repressed, suppressed or depressed maybe, but not oppressed.

Mr. JOHNSON: When you’re on this plantation, you better set your mind to picking signatures boy. Put your back into it.

NOTARY SLAVE (Jarvis): Yes master. But, may I have a drink of water?

Mr. JOHNSON: Do a good job, or you will be drinking ink, boy!

Ms. FIDDLE: Don’t worry Jarvis, I’ll teach you how to read just like you’ve always wanted to. We can start by practicing reading this new British comedy called Two Broke Blokes!

NOTARY SLAVE: Thank you Ms. Fiddle, and I do mean it. But, right now I have to Notarize signatures for the man. Otherwise he’ll ship me down the river, and Notary rules are strict down there I hear — they might even require journals.

Mr. JOHNSON: Or maybe I’ll ship you out west. I was out west a year ago and met this guy who is half Navajo and half Filipino. He had Adobo, in an Adobe. Ha ha ha. I’ll never forget that, but too much garlic.

NOTARY SLAVE: Are Filipinos slaves or free people?

Ms. FIDDLE: I think you better forget that conversation and do your work and then we’ll have our secret meeting. But, don’t mess around otherwise he will chain you to a desk while you do Notary work for this makeshift county clerk office he has in his waiting room.

NOTARY SLAVE: I had this dream that black people would be free, but that Chinese people will one day be slaves in New York Chinatown and will be chained to a stove making kung pao chicken.

Ms. FIDDLE: Yes, but nobody will regard them as real slaves because the leftist media will not publicize that fact and also because the slaves were not black. And if you reincarnate 150 years from now, don’t tell anyone that the first American slaves were Irish and not black.

NOTARY SLAVE: Irish? Boy have times changed. Now there the one’s building the railroads and then having kung pao when they reach the middle of the line and bump into those Chinese railway workers.

Ms. FIDDLE: Yeah, but there’s nothing worse than Szechuanese food cooked by Cantonese cooks, you know what I mean? It’s a gourmet thing.

NOTARY SLAVE: I’ll take your word for it. I can’t wait to get my freedom papers. Then, I can buy my own slaves and make them do Notary work and sign under duress.

Ms. FIDDLE: Now there’s a healthy attitude if I’ve ever heard one. But, if you sign under duress, that could be an issue in court. Anyway. Here’s a customer.

CUSTOMER: Hi, I need this Affidavit Notarized, but I’m not sure if I need an Oath or an Affirmation.

NOTARY SLAVE: According to my psychic, we won’t have Affirmations until long after freedom comes.

CUSTOMER: Freedom? You mean you’re administering signatures under duress? Well, that’s better than actually being a principal and signing under duress. How can you do this job if you are not allowed to know how to read.

NOTARY SLAVE: Just between you and me, I learned to read a little by reading Two Broke Blokes, but it got dicey when it got to the point where Randy wanted a sex change, but Gary said he better not otherwise he would go straight and start dating girls.

CUSTOMER: He wouldn’t!!!

NOTARY SLAVE: That’s what Randy said, but then Gary got a job in British East India as a tea merchant. The story gets complicated.

CUSTOMER: I’ll say. Does your master know about this reading activity you do?

NOTARY SLAVE: He says it’s okay just as long as I don’t enjoy it. But, I liked the part where Gary goes straight and then gets dumped by Gertrude in Bombay. What a sucker!

CUSTOMER: Oooh, I’m telling! Busted! Hey Mr. Johnson, your slave here actually enjoys reading!

Mr. JOHNSON: Get back to stamping boy! Uh oh, are those union soldiers blowing their trumpet? We’re in trouble. Even more trouble than Gary was in when Sally dumped him.

NOTARY SLAVE: Sally dumped him? I didn’t get that far.

Mr. JOHNSON: Look at page 156.

NOTARY SLAVE: Oh yes sir. And when I’m freed, in about 43 minutes, I’ll always think fondly of you, especially the time you let me have prime rib… I can still taste it.

Mr. JOHNSON: Prime rib? Page 158. I enjoyed that too.

(trumpets of union cavalry… soldiers storm the house, and free the Notary who goes on to be broke and do loan signing for low ball signing companies, but has fun reading trashy romance novels.)’

EX NOTARY SLAVE: I sure do love my newly obtained freedom. But, honestly, I went from living in a mansion having prime rib and reading British comedy novels to living in a slum working for signing companies who don’t pay on time…. Oh, and no prime rib. But, at least Gary and Randy made up. So, thank God for something.

Ms. FIDDLE: Time for some moo shoo. Are you game?

.

You might also like:

A Notary guest speaker gets harassed by students
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19700

Notary Sexual Harassment issues
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19698

Demographics in the Mobile Notary Business
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15359

Share
>

April 13, 2018

Some comedians look for notaries

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:39 am

Two comedy writers were looking for a Notary. But, they wanted to try all of the directories out just to compare, and then started making jokes.

JAKE: What do you call a notary you found on Snapdocs who is white and from the East Coast?

SULLY: I don’t know.

JAKE: A White Atlantic Snapper.

SULLY: Oh, you mean a White Anglo-Saxon Atlantic Snapper. At least you didn’t call him a cracker. What about an African SnapMerican?

JAKE: Good one. When I use 123notary, I drink Coke, but when I use that other site I drink Snapple. But, when I use the third site I notate and rotate between sodas.

SULLY: Good one. What do you call someone who administers osteopathic written exams?

JAKE: I’m stumped, but I bet the answer will crack me up.

SULLY: A chiro-proctor.

JAKE: What did the Red Snapper use to get into his safe?

SULLY: A Chero-kee?

JAKE: By the way, what is the first item on the menu for a cannibalistic Japanese restaurant?

SULLY: Just going out on a limb here, an edible limb. Ummm. Raw men? I guess that’s pronounced Ramen. It’s less fun when you pronounce it that way though.

JAKE: I was just thinking about that, you know when you buy ramen noodles you have a choice of chicken, beef, or oriental flavor. Isn’t that a little bit politically incorrect?

SULLY: Yeah, it should be Asian-American flavor. The flavor was probably invented in the 70’s before all of this PC stuff came into existence.

JAKE: Hey, did you know that the Atlantic ocean’s name is derived from the Mayan word for water which is “Atl?”

SULLY: No, I never knew that. Probably from Atlantis which no longer exists above water. Maybe it will come back. Then we can hire an Atlantian Notary.

JAKE: Cool…

Share
>

April 6, 2018

The curse of the Notary mummy

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:28 am

A few years back, and Egyptologist went to Giza to do some research one some new findings. There were mummies buried in a chamber far deeper in the pyramid that had never been discovered before. The maps of the interior of the pyramid did not include this room and it was discovered using sound technology. The sound technology spotted (perhaps heard would be a better word since it is sound technology) a hollow area far within the ten thousand year old pyramid.

The historian was from America and was very logical. He didn’t believe in curses. After all, we all know that couldn’t possibly be real. So, he ignored the warnings from his Egyptian colleagues and went into the chamber — alone!!! He discovered all types of artifacts and encrypted messages written in hyroglyphics on the wall. It reminded him of his last trip to Hunan Garden where the bill was written in hyroglypics. There was a bird character, some people walking like Egyptians pointing their hands forward, a paper, and then a notary seal. Oh my God. Our historian had discovered an ancient Egyptian Notary Public.

Then he looked further. There were pictographs of the king asking him to administer an Oath. But the Notary said, “Sorry, my state doesn’t require Oaths.” Maybe that’s how the Notary died. He was so poorly trained, that the king or Pharoah had him put to death to teach a lesson to the other Notaries. The other Notaries said, “That’s so unfair—o!” In any case, the Notary must have either been high ranking in the dynasty he lived in or have been from a prominent family to be mummified. Enbalming don’t come cheap, and neither does space in a pyramid. I tried looking up rooms in pyramids on Craig’s list and the prices were astronomical.

In any case, this dumb Egyptologist took the liberty to open the casket and try to move the mummy. Immediately his lamp flickered, his electronic devices suddenly failed. He was all alone, in the dark and screamed — help!!!! Luckily, he was able to feel his way out of the room, down the hall and to his awaiting comrades who were down the hall. His colleagues warned him that terrible things would happen because of what he had done, but he didn’t believe them. After all, this was just a coincidence, right?

Nothing bad happened to that historian. However, many people working for signing companies who don’t pay Notaries reported having dreams of mummies coming unenbalmed following them around. Perhaps the mummy in question did not get paid by ancient Egyptian signing companies and wanted revenge on signing companies, but not on archeologists (hmm). One reported that it was hard to breath and felt something pressing on her chest. Another felt something touching her at night that wasn’t there. Finally the signing companies started to talk to each other. They decided they were being haunted by the spirit of the Notary mummy. Something had to be done. So, finally after a few years of discussions and talking to people in Cairo, they decided to have someone go back into that pyramid into the forbidding chamber and close that casket once and for all.

But, the person chosen to close the casket decided that the mummy would feel much happier if he put a Notary journal in the casket with him to take to the afterlife. They put the journal in, closed the casket, and moved it back to where it had originally been. Then the dreams continued. The mummy said, “My state doesn’t require journals!” People in five different signing companies had this dream.

Finally, they called a Shaman in to solve this for good. The Shaman had a clever plan. He had someone imposter the mummy’s Notary seal, and the mummy’s spirit was called into Notary Court in heaven. The judge asked for evidence of the transaction that the notary allegedly notarized. The Notary explained that his state didn’t require a journal. The judge sentenced him to 100 years in spirit jail. Kind of a harsh sentence, but the bad dreams stopped, and everyone was happy. The Shaman made out well as he got free notary service for life and after-life which was all fine and dandy until he asked for an Oath and the notary said, “Sorry, my state doesn’t require Oaths. Then the Shaman looked up their state handbook, found out that they do indeed do Oaths in the Notary’s state, reported the Notary to the Secretary of State, and the Notary got busted.

To be safe, the shaman decided to put some ancient egyptian money in the casket where the mummy with a note in hyroglyphics that said it was from that ancient Egyptian company that never paid him. The note said — payment plus 3000 years worth of interest.

And so ends the saga of the Notary mummy.
The moral of the story is — never trust a dead Notary who doesn’t keep a journal.

Share
>

April 2, 2018

Compilation of posts about notary & politics

Filed under: Compilations,Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:45 pm

POPULAR
.

The 2016 Notary Public Debate
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16006

Trump – Making American Notaries Great Again
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17023

.

ALPHABETICAL
.

A Notary guest speaker gets harrased by students
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19700

Heard of PC? What about Notarily Correct
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19463

His first 100 days
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19258
How Carmen dealt with some Alt-right customers
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19092

Is Trump to blame for a Notary slowdown?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19138

If Trump hired you as a Notary, would you get fired?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19120

Letter to Trump about the sad condition of American Notaries
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19403

Notarizing Jeff Sessions on Torture
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19296

Notary speaker offends college students
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19395

Notarizing David Duke with Bernie Sanders
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19302

Notarizing the health records of Hillary and Trump
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18939

The immigration debate — both sides are missing the point
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19485

Trump caught on mike with a Notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18982
.

Share
>

January 26, 2018

The new acknowledgment form for transgender people

Filed under: Humorous Posts,Popular on Facebook (very) — admin @ 11:28 am

With all of this politically correct nonsense going on, there will soon be an official change to Notary paperwork so that the LGBT community’s needs will be represented. The current form (I made this up) says:

On (date), before me (name of notary) personally appeared (name of signer) who proved to me on the basis of satisfactory evidence to be the person who’s name is subscribed in the within instrument, and acknowledged to me that he/she/they executed the same in their his/her/their authorized capacity(ies), and by his/her/their seal on the instrument, the person(s) acted and executed the instrument.

But, as of January 1st, 2019, the new form will read.

On (date), before me (name of Notary) personally appeared (name of signer) who proved to me on the basis of satisfactory evidence to be the person who’s name is subscribed in the within instrument and acknowledged to me that

(he/she/he who used to be a she/she who used to be a he/he who dresses like a she/she who dresses like a he/T/they)
executed the same in his/her/it’s complicated/their authorized capacity(ies), and by his/her/unclear/it’s/their seal on the instrument, the person(s) acted and executed the instrument.

Additional information
The signer’s “assigned” gender is male/female
The signer’s “current” gender is male/female/ambiguous/depends on how long the line is to the bathroom
The gender indicated on the identifcation is male/female
The sex change or change in dress happed before/after when the ID was issued.

On a brighter note, I had lamb with shishito peppers. I asked the waitress if shishitos had genders. The male could be a he-shito, and the female a she-shito. She said it didn’t work like that. I told her that was for the best, because what if we got a transgender-shito? That would be confusing.

.

You might also like:

Who does what in an Acknowledgment?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=20108

We are a notary directory and therefore should not discuss certain topics.
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=20073

Share
>

January 24, 2018

Don’t Analyze — Notarize

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:43 am

Do you spend all day thinking about what the document means? It is not your job to figure it out. Just make sure the signer understands it.

Do you spend all day declining jobs for foreign language documents? Many states including California allow you to notarize in languages you do not speak. Just make sure you understand your state’s rules and follow them.

Do you fret about how much business you are getting or not getting instead of just going out there and doing something?

Do you wear the new Zen Nike sneaker whose slogan is — just don’t do it?

Do you spend too much time complaining about how little you get paid?

Do you waste hour after hour on Facebook complaining that Jeremy asked you a Notary question which you did not know the answer to? In that case, don’t analyze, just study how to notarize.

Do you worry that your journal is running out of space? Just buy a few new ones and keep them in your closet or in your notary bag for when you need them.

Do you worry that the price of gas is going up? Experts say that for the next decade, gas will be about the same price. US drilling has killed the market and is putting the Saudis out of business. One Saudi prince got so upset that business was so bad, he actually considered becoming a mobile notary — and then he came to his senses.

Most Notaries think all day long about inconsequential things. Don’t do this. Focus on learning to master your skill, and then market yourself so you can be successful. And as Native Americans say, “Don’t worry be Hopi.”

Share
>

January 12, 2018

Notary Jail

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Humorous Posts,Popular on Facebook (very) — Tags: — admin @ 12:00 pm

I think that I am the first person to come up with this concept. Notary jail. Where Notaries go when they’ve been bad. But, most Notaries have been bad, they just didn’t get caught because their secretary of state’s don’t bother to enforce a single law. What is the point of having laws if you don’t enforce them?

If you forget to administer an Oath you should be sent to Notary jail and get booked. The first thing they will do is thumbprint you in their journal. Then, they will ask you if you take journal thumbprints. If you say, “My state doesn’t require that.” Then they will put you in solitary confinement. After all, an innocent person could be scammed out of everything they own and the culprit could run free simply because you didn’t take a thumbprint.

If you didn’t ID someone correctly, then a cell in the insane ward would be in order. Since you let John Smith sign as John W Smith, you will also not mind being around five people who are sure that they are Abraham Lincoln.

And then there are the people who don’t fill in certificates properly or send loose certificates in the mail. Tisk tisk. The staff at Notary jail will goof on your jail paperwork if you do that and you’ll be in for a long time.

Oh, and the food at Notary jail? Embossed flat bread sandwiches. You get that nice raised seal embossed pattern on every bite. Then they have a breakfast cereal called frosted mini-seals. Oh, and one more thing. They have soap shaped like a Notary seal. But, don’t drop the soap (or don’t drop the seal.)

And if they ask Notary questions in Notary jail, don’t talk back to the guards like you normally do to Jeremy. Just answer questions the way they were asked and you might get time off for good behavior.

.

Putting jails and hospitals into your notes section
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19266

Go to jail but DO collect $100
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15361

Find a notary who goes to Twin Towers Jail and other Los Angeles Prisons
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=21349

Share
>
« Newer PostsOlder Posts »