Humorous Posts Archives - Page 2 of 14 - Notary Blog - Signing Tips, Marketing Tips, General Notary Advice -

Notary Blog – Signing Tips, Marketing Tips, General Notary Advice – Control Panel

September 16, 2017

A Notary at a Bat-Mitzvah

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:49 pm

A Notary who was down on his luck with women tried some new strategies for meeting women. He went to a comedy club, but bombed even worst than the amateur comedian who asked him to notarize a joke. The Notary said, your comedy act IS a joke! Then the Notary struck out when going to a Bat-Mitzvah.

Then the Notary (who had a lot of Jewish friends) decided that the Bat-Mitzvah was much better than the Bar-Mitzvah because people didn’t get drunk playing baseball there.

After that, the Notary had to drive through a part of town with heavy traffic while he was on the phone with the Bar-Mitzvah boy. Our Notary said he wanted to circument the traffic by taking a side route, but the 13 year old recently Bar-Mitzvah’ed boy recommended that instead — he circumsize the area!

Then the 13 year old boy described his problem to the Notary. The boy went to the Orthodox Notary and said, Can you do an Abrucha Notarization on my skateboard? The Orthodox Notary said, I would love to, but what is that thing you have with the wheels on it. Then he went to the Converservative Notary and the Notary said, I like the way you think kid, but I really can’t do such an act — it wouldn’t be kosher. Then the boy went to a Reformed Notary and said, ‘Notary, can you do an Abrucha Notary blessing on my skateboard?” The Notary said, “Nice skateboard, my cousin has one just like it, but tell me — what is an abrucha Notarization?”

Then the Notary said, “No problem, I’ll do an Abrucha Notarization for you on an Oath, or sworn written statement — your choice. The Oath will be in English, and then I’ll say some prayer.”

After that, the Notary went to one of those Shabbat dinners at a Kabbalistic Shul. During dinner, he said, “I want to make a joke about Reformed Rabbis.” Then a Reformed Rabbi got up and said, “I’m a Reformed Rabbi.” Then the Notary said,

NOTARY: “Good, then you’ll get the joke — or not, because the whole point of the joke is to make fun of the fact that Reformed Rabbis don’t get it — like not knowing what Abrucha is or other Hebrew terminology.”

REFORMED RABBI: Not knowing what what is?

NOTARY: Thanks for playing along with me.

REFORMED RABBI: I wasn’t playing along.

NOTARY: That’s the ammunition for the joke then!

REFORMED RABBI: Well, did you hear about the Notary Public who didn’t know what “Scilicit” or “Locus Sigilli” mean?

NOTARY: Who didn’t know what what meant?

REFORMED RABBI: It seems that you know a lot about Judaism, but nothing about how to be a Notary

NOTARY: Listen, I might not know how to be a good Notary, and you might not know how to be a good Rabbi, but both of us are better than that pathetic comedian I saw yesterday — his comedy routine was a joke!

REFOFORMED RABBI: Not as much of a joke as the goalee I hired for our last Bat-Mizvah!


September 8, 2017

Notary speaker offends college students

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:53 pm

Notary is hired to do a speech for college students in Berkeley. But, everything he says offends them.

NOTARY: Welcome class. Today I am here to speak of the duties of the Notary Public. A notary is appointed by the Secretary of State or Notary division in the prospective Notary’s respective state.

SUZIE: Like… Notaries should be able to do whatever they want man… Screw the rules.

NOTARY: Well, if you ignore the rules, you could end up losing your commission and ending up in jail

JACK: That’s fascist man… Not fair. Let’s throw things!!!!!

NOTARY: I’ll call for police back up if you throw one thing.

JACK: I knew you were on their side. You’re a rightist extremist!!!

SUZIE: So, what about women. Do women have equal opportunities in the Notary world or is there a glass ceiling like in the rest of the world where we have “equal” opportunities.

NOTARY: Actually, now that you mention it, the reason for the pay gap between men and women in jobs at large worldwide stems from the fact that women work three hours less per week than men — assuming they work at all. Additionally, men are more willing to do dirty, dangerous, technical and otherwise unpleasant work while women prefer to do work that is more socially gratifying, involving people, healing, children, and that lead to a balanced life even if it pays less. The result is that women have more balanced lives but get paid less. If you compare apples to apples for women and men with the same amount of experience, neither of whom take a maternity leave and work the same amount of hours and with the same vigor and skill level, women actually get paid slightly more than men.

SUZIE: Bullshit!!!! That’s sexist! Let’s start a riot!!!!

NOTARY: I have the police on speed dial if you can’t control yourself.

JACK: This guy’s a fascist — let’s get the noise maker and drown him out so he can’t be heard!!!!

NOTARY: I am here for your benefit so you will do better in the real world. If you want to undermine that opportunity, that hurts you, not me.

FRANK: Good point. I think we need to listen instead of antagonizing the Notary, even if that means compromising our “values” of attacking anyone we falsely accuse of being right wing, unfair or fascist when we are the ones who are unfair fascists of a left-wing variety.

SUZIE: You said it!! Wait a second. Could you repeat that?

NOTARY: Yes, by preventing people from speaking by force you are imposing a vigilante style neo-marxist fascism. If more people did that, we would all lose our freedom of speech just like in many other countries — which would be bad, unless it was only you guys losing your freedom of speech as well as the freedom to throw things which is considered a felony.

FRANK: I’m in your boat on this one. Or on the wagon. Or… I just quit smoking so, maybe I’m off the wagon. Not sure…. Go on!

NOTARY: A Notary’s job includes Acknowledging signatures, administering Oaths, taking Jurats, and sometimes a few other tasks, but those are the main three. Official acts can vary from state to state, but all states have Acknowledgments, Jurats, and Oaths.

JACK: You mean like Quaker Oaths?

NOTARY: No, Jack, an Oath is where you raise your right hand and swear to tell the truth like when they swore in Donald… bad example, like how they would have sworn in Hillary Clinton had the election not been rigged.

FRANK: Traitor!!!

SUZIE: I had you all wrong. I LOVE you Mr. Notary. Would you date me? It would be like how Ross dated that college student on Friends.

NOTARY: Oh God. I’m just trying to appease the situation, but it seems I made an enemy out of Frank in the process. In any case, an Acknowledged signature is when a signer signs a document. They can take it later on to a Notary and have the Notary fill out a form stating they acknowledge signing the document. They do not have to sign in the presence of the Notary, but do need to show ID and personally show up in front of the Notary. A Jurat requires the signer to sign in front of the Notary and swear to the truthfulness of the document.

SUZIE: How romantic. It sounds like getting married. By the way, you have pretty blue eyes!

JACK: I do!!!

NOTARY: Sometimes a Notary will need credible witnesses to swear in a signer who doesn’t have an ID.

FRANK: Wait… credible what-nisses?

NOTARY: Witnesses

FRANK: Are you doing something criminal where there are witnesses? Do you have a witness protection program?

NOTARY: Honestly, you people are such a bunch of dumb-asses!!!

JACK: Ha ha ha… That’s what I think to. I’m around this type of behavior so much I don’t even notice it. It’s like being in the 8th grade perpetually, except in the 8th grade I didn’t understand the meaning of perpetual.

SUZIE: Yeah, neither did I. I thought a perpetual was a pervert.

NOTARY: They could be… Or they could be a perpetrator. Anyway…Now this is a Notary Journal. The signer has to sign the document as well as the Notary journal right here….

JACK: Woah… Can I sign?

SUZIE: Yeah, I wanna sign too!!!

FRANK: Aren’t you supposed to have a document being Notarized to sign this? Signing the journal is not just for fun. Let’s be serious. Oh wait… Is that the fee section? How much do you dudes get paid? I need a career when I get out of this joint.

NOTARY: Notaries now make $15 per signature. If you have ten signatures to notarize in an hour, you can give a discount or make up to $150.

JACK: Wow, I make $9.25 per hour, that’s like what I make in an hour in a half. I’m becoming a Notary. Can you be a felon and still become a Notary?


JACK: Good, that will weed out the competition — cuz, like, I’m not a felon. I don’t even look like one.

NOTARY: Well that’s the main thing, isn’t it!

SUZIE: I had you so wrong. I love you Notary man! Oh… I’m going back home to write a song about blue eyed Notary man… How I dream of Notary man.

NOTARY: It was nice meeting you all. Here is my card in case you ever need a Notary, or in your case a date who is twice your age. But, as they say — age is just a number.

SUZIE: And Notary fees are just a number that will help when you take me out to a French Cafe called Le Jurat!

NOTARY: It’s a date. Don’t tell the Dean of students. He’ll crucify me.

SUZIE: If he does, we’ll riot and he knows that. He has his hands tied. This place is run by anarchists, not the Dean.

JACK: Yup!!!! And we wouldn’t have it any other way!

FRANK: Speak for yourself!


September 1, 2017

The new travel ban on Notaries from 7 countries

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 9:47 am

Constitutional or not, there has been a new travel ban on Notaries from seven countries.

El Salvador
Due to the cartel violence, Notaries are not allowed to travel to or from El Salvador, but Mexico is not on the list because the Zetas cartel bribed Washington.

A travel ban to Notaries going to Canada has also been enacted due to an incident where a Notary botched a notarization at a hockey game and then made a cheesy joke about how Canadians say, “It’s aboot time eh?”

Somali Notaries were banned from going to Somalia because one was caught trying to spread Sharia law in Minnesota. But, refugees can still come here if they go via neighboring Kenya where there is also a growing refugee crisis.

Syria is on the list because too many Notaries complained that half of the ID’s they got from Syria were either falsified, or stolen. A simple thumbprint on the passport would solve a lot of this problem.

Israel (not included in the 7 banned by Washington)
Israel was also on the list because the head Rabbi didn’t want anyone flying on the Sabbath which is from Friday sundown to Saturday sundown. So, to be on the safe side, they decided not to let Israeli Notaries fly to America period! But, this decision was made by Israel, and not by Washington and therefor cannot be counted in the seven.

Korean Notaries were also banned because a Korean Notary was on their way to an appointment in Jeremy’s neighborhood in Los Angeles, but driving the wrong way on a one-way road on a circular route around a water fountain in Park La Brea. Authorities have identified this lady as Park Chong-He (who is a she, not a he) who is now classified as a vehicular terrorist who would be better off Park(ed) rather than driving. No kidding, this happened yesterday afternoon.

Andorra was on the list too not for typical reasons, but because authorities can’t find it on a map. It is allegedly a tiny city state scrunched between France and Spain, but the zoom feature on Google maps wasn’t working on their computer, so they decided to ban it anyway.

Although not an Islamic country and not a country with an Islamic majority, it was banned as a safety precaution and to send a message to Belguim. Belgium is now known as a country that harbors terrorists and whose police force is too inept to identify and prosecute dangerous members of society. The police claim they are too busy and there are too many people on their suspect list. Meanwhile, after the deadly Paris attack done by Belgian residents, France insists on keeping an open border with Belgium. It reminds me of 2006 as I freely drove from country to country within Europe without so much as a welcome from anyone other than the Swiss authorities. The only thought that went through my head is that this openness is a huge hole in security and dangerous. It could lead to huge problems down the road — and it has in the last eleven years since my visit.

Meanwhile, the ban on Notaries was temporarily overturn by Supreme Court Judges as of January 2017. We’ll see if the ban on traveling Notaries gets put back into effect. The court overturned the executive order because it was discriminatory towards countries with weak police departments, towards countries that lacked common sense, and towards bad drivers and therefor deemed unconstitutional. So, now a newer draft of the travel ban is in the making.


August 25, 2017

The 10 Notary Commandments

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 9:41 am

After Moses wandered the desert for forty years, he could be forgiven for being too tired to carry anything more than ten commandments. But there were ten additional ones we at 123Notary would like to pass on to you now. The notaries have been praying to the wrong god all these years. They thought the NNA was the notary God. But then 123notary published a blog stating that this was misinformation, and Jeremy at 123notary was the real notary God! But the Secretary of State wrote a certified letter to Jeremy stating they were the real Notary God, because they had the ability to create and destroy notary commissions.

Jeremy had this response after he sneezed… “Me bless me; And since there is only one of me, but 51 of you (one per state, plus D.C.), therefore I must be the Notary God, since there can only be one God. Plus I have a thunder and lightning machine in his basement I bring out of the closet for holidays. ”

On to the commandments…

1) You shall have no other notary Gods before me, unless you have a high placement on 123notary and are paid at least twelve months in advance.
2) You shall not make for yourself a carved image, unless it’s an image of your notary seal.
3) You shall not take the name of Jeremy in vain, even though Jeremy calling himself God is very vain.
4) Remember the Day of Rescission by keeping it holy. Today you shall labor and do your work, but on the third day, not including Sundays and federal holidays, it is a Day of Rescission that you offer to the Lord, Your God.
5) Honor your Secretary of State and County Clerk, so that you may live long in the land of the Notary Lord.
6) You shall not kill time unless you charge waiting time in advance.
7) You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor while under oath by a notary who advertises on 123notary, unless he has a free listing.
8) You shall not backdate. (Steal time)
9) You shall not covet your neighbor’s high-paying company clients.
10) You shall not add on a meaningless commandment just to end a notary blog.


August 18, 2017

Mongolian Notary

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 9:34 am

Mongolian Notary

I just saw an advertisement for a Mongolian Notary Public.

“Mongolian Notary Public. I travel to jails, hospitals and yurts.”

SAM: So, how is it being a mobile Notary in Mongolia?

MONGOLIAN GUY: Oh, the distances are huge. I had to drive 600 miles to a signing. Since there are no services we have to travel in pairs of two and both know how to repair vehicles, not to mention having a lot of spare parts.

SAM: Ouch. So, what else is unusual about your job?

MONGOLIAN GUY: It is customary for them to offer me yak milk at the signing. Otherwise they would be considered rude. Almost as rude as yacking over someone while they yack.

SAM: Maybe a few yak ribs with some yak milk to wash it down? Or Yak McRibs or a Big Yak.

MONGOLIAN GUY: And perhaps yak soup. It’s very fatty. Gotta survive the Mongolian winter.

SAM: What for? It’s the Mongolian winter. So, after you moved to West Virginia, what part of the state did you get your commission in?

MONGOLIAN GUY: There is a county called Monongalia County. I moved there so I wouldn’t get homesick. Then I found out the elevation was only 1000 feet, so I moved to Colorado. Too much oxygen doesn’t work for me. I need altitude. Either that, or I move to Bejing. There’s not too much oxygen there either.

SAM: Well, the way the economy is going these days we might all be living in yurts here soon as well.

MONGOLIAN GUY: You are preaching to the choir. By the way. Just call me Genghis!
SAM: Beats “Kahn Man.”


August 11, 2017

Notarizing Jeff Sessions on Torture

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 9:25 am

JEFF SESSIONS: Hello. Can you swing down to the White House? They want me to sign a bill endorsing waterboarding, but I don’t believe in that. So, I want a sworn statement saying that I don’t like waterboarding.

NOTARY: Well, I got a call from the others saying that they’re going to make you sign a bill approving waterboarding. And if you don’t sign it, they’ll waterboard you until you do.

JEFF SESSIONS: I’m not afraid. I used to do a lot of underwater diving in my day. I’m a guy who can really hold his breath. Even when smothered by a sheet, but let’s leave KKK jokes out of it.

NOTARY: So, when are you going to sign the affidavit?

JEFF SESSIONS: Don’t hold your breath!

NOTARY: That joke was torture. What about in the next few minutes?

JEFF SESSIONS: I’m a man of principle, not in my lifetime! If I were a younger man, that would really mean something.

NOTARY: Okay, so do you have your document ready?

JEFF SESSIONS: Yup. I’m in the West Wing of the White House. Just come on over, I’ll tell security that you’re coming. Just one thing. Don’t carry any metal objects on you. Or ties longer than the President’s.

NOTARY: What about my crowns and my embosser?

JEFF SESSIONS: They’ll take it apart and put it back together. Like Obamacare. Oh, and they’ll want you to take off your belt.

NOTARY: So, it’s kind of like going to the airport.


(The Notary arrives.)

NOTARY: Mr. Sessions, how are we going to pay off our 20 trillion debt. This will cripple America when there’s a domino effect of nations defaulting on their debt in Europe.

JEFF SESSIONS: I’ve given the matter a lot of thought. I’m very anti-debt. It’s not good to owe anything, including explanations for why I first told Congress I didn’t meet with the Russians. Another reason debt is bad: We could lose our entire economy and be plunged into a horrible depression. But, there isn’t much I can do, as other Americans don’t value moderation and sensibility.

NOTARY: Well, I’m not afraid, because I just invested in Palladium. So, when the dollar crashes, I have hard assets — and I mean hard!

JEFF SESSIONS: Just as long as you didn’t purchase platinum at The Palladium in Hollywood. They sell it at far over market there. So, here’s the document and my ID.

NOTARY: Okay, sign my journal here, sign the document there, and raise your right hand. Do you solemnly swear that you agree with the contents of this document in its entirety?


NOTARY: I now pronounce you man and document.

JEFF SESSIONS: Guess where I’m going now and what I’m going to be doing?

NOTARY: I’m stumped.

JEFF SESSIONS: I’m flying to Miami Beach to go waterboarding.

NOTARY: So, you lied under Oath?

JEFF SESSIONS: Oh no, I love water boarding — the sport. I just don’t like it when it’s used for cruel and unusual measures of torture.

NOTARY: But, if you force someone go water boarding at the beach who hates it, that could be considered torture too.

JEFF SESSIONS: Not if they wear ample sunscreen. Otherwise — we refer to it as “After-torture.”


August 4, 2017

A Notary orders pizza during a signing using an app

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 9:19 am

Which Came First – The Wings/Pizza or the Signer?

Did you hear the one about the notary who ordered pizza and chicken wings with an app before a signing, with the intent they would arrive there shortly after he did? You’re about to.

It turns out the wings didn’t exactly fly over and the pizza didn’t get there in 30 minutes or less. So the notary was finished with the signing and the signer wanted him out of there. But wait – wings and a pizza were coming. Not to mention, thanks to its lateness, a free pizza! The signer didn’t want the notary in his house, nor the food. Especially since he was a vegetarian. So that’s why he looks younger than the date on his driver’s license indicated, thought the notary. Couldn’t he just stick around outside and wait for the food, asked the growingly hungry notary? No, said the signer. He doesn’t allow himself within a mile of any food whose parent had a face. What about heads, as in heads of lettuce? The signer didn’t appreciate the notary’s sarcasm.

If only the notary ordered mushrooms on his pizza instead of pepperoni, he’d at least be able to scarf that down. Guess again, said the signer. Cheese is made from milk, which comes from cows, whose fathers had faces.

Ding-Dong! It must the pizza/chicken wing delivery guy!

Signer: “You can’t open that door.”

Notary: “Please! I’m starving.”
Signer: “What part of ‘can’t’ don’t you understand?!”

Unfortunately, it wasn’t the pizza/chicken wing delivery guy. It was the signer’s friend coming over to watch TV. The notary begged to watch with them till his food arrived. Suddenly the signer had a change of heart.

Signer: “Watch TV? Sure, be my guest!”

The horrifying conclusion to this story – The signer and his friend were cannibals. Vegetarian cannibals. When the notary watched crap on TV with them, he was, in effect, “vegging”. An hour later, the food was delivered. The signer and his friend told the delivery boy they were FULL. The notary was never heard from again. You might say his fate was SIGNED, sealed and delivered.


August 3, 2017

Black Notaries vs. White Notaries: The Notary Manual

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 9:55 am

Black Notaries vs. White Notaries: The Notary Manual

TEACHER: Hello class. We are gathered here today to talk about Notary terms, and the state Notary manual. But, first I would like to ask what the manual means to you.

SHELLY: I see a short book designed to teach the Notaries of tomorrow the rules of the road in order to safeguard the integrity of notarized transactions which protects society at large in a broader sense.

TEACHER: Very good Shelly! And very wonky.

KIM JONG “AKA Korean mom”: It’s so very difficult to understand. Half the terms don’t show up in my English-Korean dictionary. What a pain! I have to use my English dictionary and then translate the words in the definition into Korean to figure it out. How will I pass my test? I tried to use that as an excuse to get out of jury duty but they chose me anyway until they found out I didn’t understand any of the legal terms they used! Like “If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”

TEACHER: Okay, just let me know if there are any terms that I can explain to you. I may not understand Korean, but I can break the complicated terms down in an understandable way.

SHALONDA: I see three things. (1) I see a technical manual that teaches the state & civil laws affecting Notaries public, and more that could help Notaries deter fraud, keep transactions official, and keep paperwork straight. (2) A book that teaches the how-to of doing daily Notary work and (3) A book full of new names for black people to name their kids — you know what I’m saying?

TEACHER: Well, I hadn’t thought about it like that before.

SHALONDA: Oh yeah. I named my kids after Notary terms several years ago. Jurat and Venue… that’s short for Venuetta.

SHELLY: Do you swear under Oath you named your kid Jurat?

SHALONDA: I most certainly do (raising her right hand). But, Jurat is more of a jokester. He doesn’t have a solemn bone in his body. The tread on his boots is shaped like a Notary seal, and he was playing outside after it was raining. It looked like we had impressions of notary seals all through the house. I told him to take his boots off after that.

SHELLY: All of this studying for the Notary exam is tiring. I heard that reading too much can be bad for your eyesight. No wonder Trump doesn’t need glasses.

KIM JONG: I know. That’s why my kid Myong is forbidden to study more than six hours a night. We are recommending dropping his study time from seven hours to five hours and forty-five minutes with the last forty-five minutes mostly study-oriented games, songs or something where he is not staring at a book or computer.

SHELLY: Well we were going to increase Tommy’s study time from forty minutes to an hour and twenty minutes after we found out how hard college is. But, we don’t want him to ruin his eyes, so we’ll compromise at seventy minutes a day.

KIM JONG: How will he possibly compete with those studying five hours a day?

SHELLY’s HUSBAND: She has a point. Tommy will never survive in college unless he studies more. What he does now will affect him for the rest of his life. And if he does poorly in school like my brother, then he might get stuck driving a garbage truck for the rest of his life. Or an Uber.

SHELLY: Or worse — he might have to become a Notary. What has four wheels and flies?

SHALONDA: Ooh! I know this one! A garbage truck.

KIM JONG: No, that’s the junior high version of the joke! The answer in this context is a Notary who is late to a signing because he would be driving so fast!

SHALONDA: Good point. Not funny point, but good. But, honestly, to be a Notary you need to study too. In some states you need to study at least 30 hours to pass the Notary test and then another 30 hours to be a good signing agent. This profession isn’t for jokes — that is if you want to succeed in it. And by the way, you should say what has four wheels and screeches, because when you round those corners, you’re gonna be screeching those tires, girl.

TEACHER: Well class, we do seem to be diverging now don’t we. Being a Notary is a very honorable and noble profession and not for those who lack character. No wonder Trump was never a Notary.

SHALONDA: But, it is for those who lack a high school diploma. There is no educational standard for this job other than passing a test. California, Louisiana and New York make the test hard. But, the other states will just hand out seals to any fool who applies. Like Presidential Seals. Where’s the nobility in that?

TEACHER: Good point. Well, in theory it is supposed to be noble.

SHELLY: Theory doesn’t cut it when a clueless Notary assists a fraud in stealing the Title to your house.

TEACHER: You’re right. Maybe having a longer course than our six hour course would help. Perhaps a background screening too not just for being a signing agent, but for being a Notary.

SHALONDA: In California, the FBI, DOJ, and KGB all check us, but in these other states there doesn’t seem to be a system of checks and balances.

KIM JONG: Perhaps, being a Notary should be regulated federally instead of by a bunch of irresponsible states who can’t keep anything straight. And that wasn’t a reference to the gay parts of California.

TEACHER: Well perhaps you’re right. In any case, let’s practice notarizing a Jurat.

SHALONDA: You’re going to notarize my daughter?


July 28, 2017

The Mafia Notary with the violin case (and wine)

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 9:04 am

There once was a Notary named Giuseppe. He liked to dress nice to signings. He wore a pinstriped suit, a white tie, a hat, and very shiny Italian shoes. He would even bring a nice bottle of wine from Piedmont, Italy to the signing with a case for several wine glasses.

But, Giuseppe always arrived at signings with a violin case. The borrowers asked if he was a musician. He said, that this was where he kept his Notary seal and pads of certificates. He also offered other services.

“Just let me know if you ever need a body to disappear. I know people who can make that happen — capiche? Or if you don’t want a credible witness to testify, I have ways of keeping people quiet – you know?”

The borrowers got creeped out by this character and complained one after another to the signing companies. But, the signing companies kept hiring Giuseppe because he was never late.

But, then one day came when he was 20 minutes late to a signing. That was the one day when he had to “take care of business.” He picked his daughter up from school, drove a few miles East, knocked someone off with his daughter sitting in the car not suspecting a thing, and then went to the signing.

After a while, the signing companies all started talking to each other and decided not to use him. But, Giuseppe needed a front for his other businesses. What would he do? He decided to work for the Notaries. He was an expert at collections in addition to doing flawless Notaries. All of the signing companies who fired him would soon regret, as he would be collecting from them on behalf of all the Notaries out there who weren’t getting paid.

His new career worked out well until one day, someone from New Branch Signing Service was found buried up to their neck in concrete. There was only one suspect, but not a single witness. Miraculously, the guy who got charged for the murder was another guy who the signing company owed money to for doing a construction job. He had no alibi. So, the moral of the story is, always pay your Notaries and… never fire a guy who wears a white tie!


July 14, 2017

The Atheist’s Bible — for swearing in Affirmations to non-believers

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 8:50 am

The Atheist’s Bible

When atheists do an affirmation, they need to put their hand on something. And if it’s not the bible, we need a substitute. As “nobody” is his witness… the atheist’s bible is a little different from your Adam & Eve’s Garden Variety version. It also makes a handy gift for a non-believer’s Inaugural Day swearing in ceremony.

And what is it that non-believers, according to their bible, believe?

Nobody said “Let there be light.” It just came on out of the blue.

Heaven and earth was created in three days, not including Sundays or federal holidays.

Adam and Eve decided they were the same gender and saved the hassle of putting on fig leaves.

Noah’s Ark never existed. However, Loners Ark, where there was one of everything, did. How did they reproduce, you ask? They didn’t, because they wanted to remain alone.

After Sodom and Gomorrah had their marriage certificate notarized, they went on their honeymoon to get officially sodomized. After which Gomorrah started their first marital tiff: “Why “sodomize” and no “gomorrahize”?4
When Samson got caught in hairy situations cheating on his wife, his alibis got stronger.

Moses waited forever to hear from God. When he didn’t show up, Moses came down the mountaintop and gave his people the zero commandments.

Jesus spent his 33 years searching for his real father. Never finding him was a heavy cross to bear.

Thanks for reading this. And may nobody be with you.

« Newer PostsOlder Posts »