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January 6, 2011

All in the Family – notarization for a drug test

EDITH: Oh Archie, you’re home.

ARCHIE: Yeah Edith I’m home. And I can do without your usual yapping. I just want to sit in my chair, have a beer, and listen to the voices in my head.

EDITH: Is my voice one of them voices?

ARCHIE: If it ever stops yapping I’ll be sure to ask.

EDITH: All right Archie. I’ll get you your beer, and your newspaper.

ARCHIE: Don’t show me the newspaper. It’s just going to be more of those hippies slamming Mr. Richard Milhouse Nixon’s integrity.

EDITH: Integrity? That was in the news? I must have missed that.

ARCHIE: All of those hippy commies and their Mary Jane they keep smoking. I’m telling you Edith. It’s turning this country into a bunch of commie pot-heads. Which is why my boss questioned my unscrutibility by making this WW2 vet take a drug test.

MICHAEL: Arch, you mean inscrutability.

ARCHIE: Inscrutability you!

GLORIA: What’s this about daddy having to take a drug test?

ARCHIE: You heard right little girl. Because your whole generation is flying around high as a kite all the time, my boss is making red blooded Americans like your daddy get neuterized drug tests.

MICHAEL: That’s pretty funny arch. When I think of dope, you are the man!

SALLY: Michael, that’s not nice.

ARCHIE: So, where am I going to find a Noterary Republic?

MICHAEL: Where people find everything instantly these days. The yellow pages.

ARCHIE: Let your fingers do the walking. That’s the only exercise a lazy guy like you gets.

MICHAEL: Oh here’s one that looks good. 123notary. We come to you. Any type of document or loan signing. My psychic said that one day, 123notary would be on this new thing call the world wide web in about twenty-five years.

ARCHIE: Tell your psychic to look into the distant future when you finally find a job.

EDITH: (calling 123notary — ring ring) Hello yes, is this 123notary?

123NOTARY: 123notary, where the peace sign comes to you!

EDITH: Archie, do you want the peace sign to come to us?

ARCHIE: What are you talking about — give me that phone. (talking to 123notary) Is this your 1234notary?

123notary: 123

ARCHIE: Whatever. Am I talking to the Noterary?

123NOTARY: One of them.

ARCHIE: I need a notary to come to 704 Hauser Street. How much do you charge?

123NOTARY: That will be 20 cents per signature plus $4 travel fee.

ARCHIE: $4 travel fee? Rake me over the coals why don’t you. I have a drug test I need notarized.

123NOTARY: Do you have the actual paperwork?

ARCHIE: No, but I’ll get it on Monday.

123NOTARY: We can’t notarize the actual test results, but we can notarize a statement from you regarding the authenticity of the test.

ARCHIE: Yeah, authenticity, whatever.

(Archie goes to the drug test)

NURSE: We just need a blood and urine sample. Could you urinate into this container? Just do your business!

ARCHIE: Aw, couldn’t you be more discreet?

NURSE: Okay. Go tinkle. Is that better?

(2 minutes later)

NURSE: Great. This is a good sample. We’ll let you know your results tomorrow. Just come in anytime after 9am.

(the next day)

ARCHIE: Hi, I need to pick up the drug test results.

NURSE: You realize these results are strictly confidential.

ARCHIE: Tell the whole world, I don’t care. I never touched drugs in my life.

NURSE: (quietly) Your test results show that you have trace amounts of marijuana in your system, but you passed.

ARCHIE: Shh. shh… shhh… Did you grab the wrong cup? How is that even possible?

NURSE: It’s very common to accidentally inhale second hand smoke and it could happen anywhere… at work, at home, or even walking down the street.

ARCHIE: I’ve never been around Mary Jane in my life.

NURSE: Don’t be so soon Mr. Bunker. Drug tests don’t lie!

(an hour later)

123NOTARY: So, you want to sign a statement saying that you never used drugs. And that you don’t know where you accidentally inhaled Marijuana.

ARCHIE: Sure, sure, whatever I need to do to expungulate the record.

123NOTARY: Sign here, and then raise your right hand and repeat after me.

(later that night, Archie confronts Michael and insists that he must have inhaled Michael’s second hand smoke, and then demanded that Michael get a drug test to prove it)

.

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January 2, 2011

Fingerprinting 101 – What’s Worth Knowing

Fingerprinting 101 – What’s worth Knowing
First, it’s necessary to clear up a bit of nomenclature confusion. Fingerprinting is the recording of the pattern of loops and whorls, typically on a standard FD258 (civilian, non-criminal) card. This is accomplished with either ink or a scanning device. “Fingerprint Kits” on Ebay are most often fingerprint “lifting” kits, essentially very fine powders that are applied to the fingerprint and a “copy” taken (lifted with tape, etc.), physically or they can be photographed.

I choose to not do fingerprint lifting as it would require me to prepare a written report and probably be called to testify in a courtroom. Yecch. Also, such activity is usually done by a Police professional – trained for the task. However, I do a lot of fingerprinting. New York State does not offer a fingerprint license; if they did I would have it. My authority to establish positive ID on the cards comes from being a Notary. I fingerprint people for FBI background checks, various licenses, and many immigration related purposes. There is no “oath” nor is there a need to be able to converse with the applicant, however, a translator is often helpful.

Back to the nuts and bolts. First, there is the “Live Scan” machine. Essentially a scanner hooked to a PC that communicates to a specific destination. All this must be prearranged and “type accepted” by the receiving party. A Live Scan setup is target centric and is generally not able to transmit (over telephone lines) to multiple destinations. This makes sense when many applicants go to a single place, which transmits to a single place. The more common and flexible fingerprinting is done with ink. Ink can be either embedded into a ceramic pad, similar to a common ink pad; or spread on a glass or metal plate with a roller. The latter is more time consuming but gives greater control to the fingerprint technician.

The FD258 fingerprint card is a bit narrower than a standard 8.5 inch wide sheet of paper. Of course the card holders are designed for the card to fit with no wiggle. Therefore a downloaded and printed image of the FD258 card does not fit a standard cardholder. It is possible to fold the edges and create an imprecise fit of the sheet of paper card image. Unfortunately, most computer paper is really not suitable for accepting standard fingerprint ink properly. Bottom line: printouts of the fingerprint card image should be avoided. Much better is to maintain a stock of FD258s. A common variation is the FINRA (used by the brokerage industry) cards. They are the exact same FD258 with the addition of preprinted barcoding, required by FINRA.

Proper finger preparation is essential. I have seen fingerprinting done without even having the applicant wash their hands! Access to hand washing facilities (soap and very warm water) is essential. Once the hands are washed the applicant should touch nothing, not even their ringing cell phone (I have had mixed results with this request!). Next, a mild solution of pepper extract (an “irritant”) is applied to the fingertips to raise the “friction ridges”. The friction ridges are ever so slightly “higher” than the underlying finger flesh; it is the ridges that form the fingerprint. This solution requires a second hand washing to remove prior to applying the ink.

It is critical that the minimum amount of ink be applied, lest the ink pass the friction ridges and collect in the “valleys” between the ridges. Perhaps the most common mistake is over inking. Using the traditional ink and roller allows greater control of ink application compared to the ceramic pad. If the layer of ink on the glass or metal plate is exactly correct; it’s impossible to transfer too much to the fingertip. With the ceramic pad the transfer of ink is directly proportional to the pressure exerted, and the risk of over inking is greater.
There is also a psychological aspect to fingerprinting. Many clients have two issues. Some don’t like to be physically manipulated; a necessity to take the fingerprint impressions. Always use a blank sheet of paper to check how the ink layer reacts to their fingertips. The test prints are good for explaining the procedure on a spare card while demonstrating the procedure. Emphasize that you must be in control and not be “assisted” – your subject must not press down or actively turn their finger. You must, when completed; check their ID and match to the name they printed and signed on the card. Lastly, you sign and date each card; or, if it does not meet the standard of clarity and completeness – break out another card and start over; it must be perfect.

Tweets:
(1) is the recording of the pattern of loops and whorls, typically on a standard FD258 (civilian, non-criminal) card
(2) Proper finger preparation is essential for fingerprinting. Wash each finger one by one!

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Some of you people have a few screws loose.

When I ask people questions to test their competency, it is remarkable how many people have screws loose.

Repeating
When I talk to my psychic, I talk to him for an hour every week or two. I do not ask him to repeat anything in an hour. When I talk to Carmen or Adine on the phone, I never have to have them repeat anything. It is remarkable how many of my clients have me repeat myself multiple times in a very short conversation. Do they not understand the confusing technical language I am using with terms like, “Venue, Notarial Act, Acknowledgment, Journal or Affiant?” If you don’t know Notary language, time to look up some terms in our glossary. That is your jour to know!

Scrambling
Normally when I ask people, “If you have TWO people each of whom is signing THREE notarized documents, how many journal entries should you fill out.” The Notary repeats back to me, “Okay, so you have THREE people each signing how many documents?” First of all, it is two people, how can you scramble that? Additionally, they are not signing three documents, they are signing three NOTARIZED documents. If the documents are not notarized documents, you don’t need to fill out any journal entries.

That would lead me to a great trick question — if you have two signers signing three documents, how many journal entries would you need to create? None! Because the documents were not designated to be notarized!

Changing the Scenario
When I ask, “If the ID says John Smith, but the name on the signature of the documetn says, John W Smith, without changing the scenario, can you notarize the signature?” Most people immediately say they would ask for another ID. But, asking for another ID is what I told you specifically not to do, namely, changing the scenario. I am trying to test your skills on saying yes or no to questions with limited parameters, not your skill at changing the question to a completely different quesiton that you prefer to answer. Answer questions as asked or you lose points. It is not rocket science — and the answer is NO. You are a Notary, yet the word you have the most trouble saying is, “NO.”

Talking endlessly
When I ask quick questions I have thousands of people to ask. If you talk endlessly and I have to ask you to stop talking, that is a huge headache for me. Just answer questions quickly without rambling and we can finish our quiz quickly.

Sluggish
Some people take forever to think of answer to questions. The most relentless question is when I ask people which Notary Acts are legal in their state. Most people have to think for a long time. You do Acknowledgements, Jurats and Oaths daily, why is it like rocket science for you to open your mouth and spit it out? Do you not know that those are considered official notarial acts in your state or in most states? A few states don’t have an official Jurat, but they have other acts similar to it such as Verification under Oath or Affidavits or Sworn Statements.

In short, the behavior of Notaries always seems somewhat mentally impaired. Less than 10% of Notaries on 123notary can just answer simple questions without asking me to repeat, scrambling information, changing the scenario, giving round about answers, rambling endlessly or taking a lot of my time. I just want to test your competency. I don’t have all day for nonsense. Try to discipline yourself to answer questions the way they were asked because the business world doesn’t have the patience for this type of nonsense. It is purely unprofessional.

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http://blog.123notary.com/?p=21147

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The Notary Asylum
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17464

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