A Mortgage Underwriter (with a background in origination as well) decided to become a signing agent. But, who called herself the Signing Undertaker. Every time she arrived at a signing she said, “I’m sorry for your loss.”

The borrowers couldn’t figure out what loss she was talking about. She explained, “The loss of the $256,000 you will lose in payments over the next 30 years.” One borrower concluded, “Now, I understand why you are called the underwriter.”

The Notary would have music from funeral services to start the signing and do a eulogy about the loan as well.

Dearly beloved. We are here to witness the signing of Fred’s loan. If at any part of this process you feel sad, don’t worry, we have Kleenex in our bag. Fred’s money was a good money. It was always there to help Fred, and Fred’s friends. The dollars led a good life… (sob) I can’t do this. This is too emotional. Okay, I’ll do this. And Fred’s money has now departed. It is so sad. I guess this is how life is. Money comes and money goes. But, it departed so soon and so young. None of us were expecting this.

FRED: Um, Mrs. Notary, can we finish the signing please and cut the music.

NOTARY: Sob…. okay. You’re right. We should just get to the point, and then we can bury the money.

FRED: We are not burying the money.

NOTARY: Okay… but, were you close to the money?

FRED: (gives the Notary — the look.)

NOTARY: I understand how you feel.

FRED: Okay. We’re done. Thank God you are not a therapist Notary otherwise you would say — I’m sorry , but I’m afraid our time is up.

NOTARY: I was going to do that, but stopped dead in my tracks because you don’t play organ music in that profession. Especially the Bach Toccata and Fugue in D minor which is often played at funerals. My favorite piece of music of all time… sob.

FRED: Oh, I’m sorry for your loss. You seem so sad.

NOTARY: No, I’m supposed to say that. I’m the undertaker Notary, not you.

FRED: Well I’m the undertaker signer. So, I’m sorry you feel so sad. I love Bach too. But, I’m afraid our time is up.

NOTARY: So, now you are the signer therapist? I can’t get a handle on who you really are. Who am I dealing with here?

FRED: See you next time and we’ll give you a good review on Yelp. Loved the music. I’ll request they play that at my funeral if I ever die.

NOTARY: Oh, you will…. and how!

FRED: Thanks for the vote of confidence. Watch the steps. They go down… come to think of it they go down exactly six feet.

NOTARY: I am one step closer to my grave.

FRED: More like nine, but who’s counting. Have a nice evening.

Welcome to the Notary banquet where diets are vanquished and appetites are satisfied every time. They have dishes named after types of loan signings. Let’s see what they have to offer.

Squid Ink Pasta
If you like the 1sts enough, you can have a 2nd, or a piggy back (combination loan) by combining the 1st and 2nd together and adding prosciutto. And yes, the ink comes out of a pretend notary seal.

Seal Kabob
I guess these are endangered species and they say, “ar ar ar” quite well, but for blogging purposes they taste great with light mediteranean seasoning. I wonder what seal tastes like. I bet it tastes like eel and rhymes with eel too. Maybe they should make sushi out of it.

Hybrid Plates
Surf and turf, steak and shrimp, this is what we call a hybrid.

eSigning dish
You eat a small plate but have to order with a signature pad. It’s one of those things millennials like that the rest of us might not like.

sHELoCs
Instead of HELoC, there is sHELoCs with angel hair pasta that looks like her locks.

Conventional
Tired of unconventional fusion cuisine? Try something conventional like chicken fried steak or apple pie.

FHA
Fries, Hamburger and Acorn Squash. This delicacy will entice your taste buds.

Reverse
I’m not sure how this would work. Would your server approach you walking backwards, or would we do a film shot of this scene and then play it backwards. Perhaps you would eat it backwards — hold that thought, no, bad idea.

Purchases
Just pay after you’re done eating.

Construction
The cake is built in pieces kind of like a prefab. So they construct it before you. If you don’t like it then get a demolition loan for your cake or a remodeling loan.

Time Shares
How often do you do time shares? When I have time. You can share food, but can you share time while eating food? I guess you could let the person next to you eat off your plate for 30 seconds if you know them well and trust them. This is a weird blog article even for me.

1031 Exchange
Yet another bizarre dessert idea of cake carved into the shape of the numbers 1031. Anthony Fauci would like it because he is all about “the numbers” and “the science.”

The Covid Cake
You have to stay six feet away from it and eat it taking your mask off in between bites. Of course, then you get germs on your mask which you can’t do either. So you are stuck.

I-9
The staff made a mistake and brought a K-9 (they were off by two letters) who went around sniffing everything and eating food that fell on the floor. So, he served his purpose. Then he found marijuana on one of the guest and drama ensued.

RON
Using this technology for dining, a person in Dubai can enjoy the banquet you are having right here in the Westchester district of Los Angeles. I’m not sure how that is possible. I don’t think you need to ID them virtually to eat a meal though.

Foreclosures
If you didn’t finish all of your courses, I guess the staff would have to foreclose on you and take everything away after a period of time.

Thank you for enduring my off sense of humor. I haven’t wr

As you know, no Notary to our knowledge has died of Covid-19, but lots are hiding out because, “What if I get Covid and spread it to someone else?” But, in this blog article we are going to pretend that this plandemic caused death and destruction to so many Notaries that they had to create a cemetery just for Notaries.

At the Notary Covid Cemetery, please notice that all of the graves are six feet apart and the bodies are six feet under. This is to meet social distancing requirements.

The gravestones must all wear masks.

This part of the cemetery is for those who died of Covid-19. What about the other part? Those are the ones that died of the aluminum and other bio-hazards in the vaccine.

People who don’t like the cemetery are not called anti-semitic, but anti-cemeteric or non-symmetric. It’s different.

You can stand on the dry grass, but not on the wet grass because of “the science.” Of course a similar cemetery in a neighboring state has the exact opposite rule once again, because of, “the science.” I’m not sure these guys are using the same scientist or choose studies based not on how reliable they are but based on if they meet “the narrative.” So which is policy based on, “the science” or “the narrative” or is it all just arbitrary and unconstitutional BS? Hmm. Around here even the dead don’t have the right to free assembly. What on earth is going on here.

We asked the governor if the dead would ever have the right to take off their N95s and he replied, “over my dead body!”

The lack of human rights is a very “grave” situation, especially around here.

The mausoleum to the left had an antiquated stamp collection of the late Sir. Notarius Floyd who died of an ink overdose. Such a tragic way to die. He also liked doing online notarizations because much of the information was en-crypt-ed. No wonder he died so young.

Beethoven was in the vault next door to the mausoleum. What was he doing? Decomposing! When his finger twitched, we called it Beethoven’s first movement.

Last year the cemetery was busy. Everyone and their mummy seemed to be there. But, this year, the place was dead.

In any case, the Notary Covid-19 cemetery is one of the best places in town. Most people would die to go there. Our suggestion is to go there before your expiration date, unless you renew your commission — before it is too late.