TAXI – REVEREND JIM BECOMES A NOTARY

ALEX: Louie, what happened to the fifty bucks I had in my locker?

LOUIE: What are you asking me for? Do you think a busy man like me has the time to nose around your locker? Whereas… that nose of yours has all the time in the world.

ALEX: Is that another nose crack, Louie?

LOUIE: If the honker fits, wear it.

NARDO: Somebody stole money from my purse!

ALEX: Somebody would imply it was a human being. And that would be wrong. Because it was Louie.

LOUIE: Hey! I’m starting to feel insulted here.

NARDO: Louie, if you don’t give me back my money, I’ll report you to the commissioner!

LOUIE: (into intercom) Listen up, you losers. I did not steal your chump change or whatever you want to call it. I’ve got better things to do than loot a bunch of lowlifes. I swear to God.

TONY: What about swearing to a notary, Louie?

LOUIE: A notary? I swear to notaries all the time. Like “Get away from me, you @*!# notary.”

REVEREND JIM: Did somebody say they need a notary?

TONY: Yeah, we want Louie to make a statement under penalty of perjury… Did you hear that, Louie? … That he didn’t steal Alex’s or Elaine’s money.

ALEX: That’s called an affirmation, Tony.

REVEREND JIM: Lucky for you and me. I just applied to become a notary.

ALEX: You, Jim?

REVEREND JIM: Yeah. I got to thinkin’…

LOUIE: There’s trouble.

REVEREND JIM: Boss, you know how you boss people around all the time? That makes you the “bosser”. But now that I’m a notary and have my notary seals, you’ll be able to call me… “embosser.”

TONY: That’s why you became a notary, Jim?

REVEREND JIM: That, and they get all the chicks.

ALEX: Well if Jim’s a notary, I think he should make Louie swear under oath that he’s not lying about stealing our money.

LATKA: In my country, notaries are the most revered office holders in the land. They work with estates, deeds, powers-of-attorney. They protest notes and bills of exchange.

ALEX: They do all that in this country.

LATKA: They also have notary groupies.

REVEREND JIM: Damn. I should move to Latka’s country.

LOUIE: Go! And take Potato Latka here with you.

ELAINE: Make him swear he didn’t take the money!

REVEREND JIM: Boss… This affidavit contains a jurat notarial certificate. I want you to sign on the dotted line that you didn’t take any money from Elaine or Alex.

LOUIE: I ain’t signing that.

ALEX: Because you’re guilty!

LOUIE: Isn’t my word good enough for you people?

EVERYONE: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

LOUIE: How ‘bout two words… @*!# @*!# You’re coercing me into signing that thing. That makes it null and void!

REVEREND JIM: Not if I add a free act and deed that indicates you weren’t coerced.

TONY: Wow, Jim. You really know your stuff!

REVEREND JIM: I do? Wow, and to think it was just a guess.

.

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