How can you enjoy Halloween to the fullest this year as a Notary?

1. Scare people by not wearing a mask.

2. Scare people like me by telling me that you don’t take vitamin D — to me that’s even worse than sneezing during a pandemic.

3. Dress up like a Covid virus with the little spikes, etc.

4. Dress up like Fauci. I am more afraid of him than anyone at this point. I start screaming when I see him.

5. Scare people by telling them what their oil bill will be this winter due to Bidenomics, hyperinflation, and his ban on many types of domestic drilling. Trump had a big mouth but we never had trouble like this under his leadership.

6. Tell people that you are not the real Notary, but that you stole someone’s seal and notarized their document with it. (you might get arrested for that one)

7. Tell people that if they are bad, they will be reincarnated into a Notary Signing Agent — oh no, anything but that!

8. Go trick or treating and tell them that you will be hanging around there for a while because your doordash pizza delivery was booked using THEIR address.

9. You could use the new environmentally friendly shaving cream cans to vandalize someone’s property. Once again, you might be arrested for that, and for good reason. On the other hand, if they just ran out of shaving cream, they might appreciate that.

10. Knock on someone’s door with a really scary costume. Then say, “You think this is scary? Not as scary as Kamala’s performance managing the border. Speaking of which, I might be a cartel member who sneaked in, or a Taliban member. They can just waltz on in now.” Then they will say, “Not with that lack of an accent, you don’t scare me.”

11. Knock on someone’s door with a broken border wall, and some kids dressed up like Osama Bin Ladin who jump through the hole in the fence. That will make a statement regardless of which side of the political fence you are on.

12. Dress up like a Notary seal. Make the costume yourself. Just make sure you don’t leak ink, unless that is part of the gag.

JERRY: Hey, how’d you like to become a remote online notary?

GEORGE: I’m not even remotely interested.

JERRY: Hmm, sounds like you’re not a good candidate.

GEORGE: Well what’s involved.

JERRY: Well for one, I’m going out on a limb here, but I would assume that you would need to be remote.

GEORGE: You mean I would have to go to Wyoming? I’ve always dreamed of going to Yellowstone, but living there?

JERRY: AND, you’d probably have to be online.

GEORGE: Oh, no, I’m right here — nothing virtual about me. I’m the real deal. You can touch my arm… No really.

JERRY: I think I’ll pass. But, if you got in trouble as an ONLINE NOTARY, your career would really be ON THE LINE.

GEORGE: I like that. That was a classy line.Or maybe if you got in trouble, you would be OFF THE LINE, kind of like laundry that’s in trouble. Offline. Right?

JERRY: Maybe. And the third qualification is that you have to be a Notary.

GEORGE: What is a Notary. I don’t think I’ve ever met one.

JERRY: Oh you’ve met one.. more than one. Elaine used to be a Notary. She never talked about it much.

GEORGE: GET OUT!!! (pushes Jerry) You know, let me get a sense of how this notary thing works. I’m going to look it up on my iPhone… huh… ohhh…. Online Notary and more… This is going to be good. I’ll call them right now.

SALLY: Online Notary and more, this is Sally. What are you wearing?

GEORGE: What do you mean what am I wearing. This is an online Notary service, right?

SALLY: I’m wearing something really short with black nylons. I’m sliding my online seal slowly up my leg.

GEORGE: Just out of curiosity is that a physical leg or a virtual leg?

SALLY: Oh, it’s real baby. Now, I’m slowly sliding off my left nylon.

GEORGE: Your left or my right.

SALLY: It’s mine, not yours. Okay, let’s get to business. How do you want it?

GEORGE: I want an online notarization.

SALLY: You will need an online ID and an online document. Do you have both of these?

GEORGE: Umm. (pause) No.

SALLY: You’ll need online payment too.

JERRY: I think you’re unprepared. Better see what is going on by visiting one of those online Notary portals. Maybe they will explain the process. Let me have the phone. Sally, it was nice. George isn’t ready for this yet.

SALLY: Maybe when he’s a little older, at least in cyber maturity.

GEORGE: Once again, thanks for the vote of confidence. But, I learned something today. I am an in person type of guy. Yup. That’s what I am . I know what I am and I’m proud of it!

I don’t think that Julius Caesar was a Notary, but they had Notaries in Rome, and Rome is one of the ancestors of American civilization along with Greece, Israel, Sumeria, France, and England. It is interesting to know that our culture derives originally from Iraq. I wonder what Saddam would have to say about that. They invented the clock with 12 hours and 60 minutes, etc. This silly story is about the American version of Julius Caesar and I got the story as close to the real story as it can possibly be in modern America if you over look the fact that Americans normally drink champagne in hot tubs and not sangria… details.

Julius started his career in escrow in Missouri. Things were good until he went on vacation to the Caribbean and got kidnapped by pirates. He escaped by the grace of God after having a seizure, and then bought a slave who was an expert in Greek philosophy to teach his beloved daughter. He brought the slave back to Rome, Missouri where he lived in this fictional blog article. Think of this as a modern day Julius… you know… with the straight cut bangs… not really my style, but it works for him.

He continued his career while his slave educated his daughter in the classics, and then a terrible tragedy happened. His wife died, and he was devastated.

Disclaimer to the Black Lives Matter movement… The slave was a white guy who looked Greek and thought Greek. So, that makes it okay… I guess…

Meanwhile in Julius’ home town of Rome, Missouri, the mayor made some law changes that allowed him to kill anyone who he claimed was a threat to him. Since Julius was honest and said he would kill the mayor on a whim, the mayor let him live. Then the mayor made his collegue Pompey kill someone else otherwise he would have someone kill Pompey. The citizens of the town had had it, and Pompey poisoned the mayor, and the mayor died in a hot tub. What a scandal. But, on a brighter note, there were no prostitutes involved, so that makes it less bad.

Julius was so stressed out by the situation, he had a seizure. Maybe we should call him Julius Seizure since he had seizures, not Caesars. On the other hand, the Caesar salad works for many people, so perhaps we should leave the name as is.

After that, Julius decided to become a Notary and do some conquering. He conquered the business from all Escrow companies in towns with French names in the midwest. Since that area used to belong to France, there were plenty. He spent eight years conquering what he called France or Gaul, and developed a business so huge, he had to hire many to help him. He spent most of his time away from home wooing more new clients and rarely returned home.

Finally after conquering the Gauls in the French named towns, Julius returned to his home town only to find that Pompey and his colleagues wanted to kill him due to a disagreement about some local political decision they were lobbying local government about. Julius hired a bodyguard, and later learned that Pompey had been killed at an Egyptian restaurant several hours Southeast of their town — that was famous for lamb kabobs and belly dancing. Julius went to the Egyptian restaurant and inspected the severed head of his rival that the Pharaoh kept for him in a basket. He then returned to his hometown.

His new wife had a terrible dream that the windows came open, lots of wind came in, and that she found his body covered in blood in the bed. Julius disregarded the dream. Then a wise elder said, “Beware of the Ides of March.” Julius went to town hall to take part in a political discussion. The friends of the late Pompey were there and stabbed him to death.

After the stabbing, someone mentioned to the old man, “The Ides of March have already come.” The old man said, “Yes, but they haven’t left yet.”

So, this is the Notary version of the story of Julius Caesar. My parting words are —

“He who lives by the seal, dies by the seal.” and
“All roads lead to Rome, MO” (yes, it exists, but few roads actually lead there)
“When in Roam (on your cell phone coverage) do as the Roamers do!”
“A great Notary business isn’t built in a day, but if you work on your notes section, at least you are giving yourself a chance.”

Welcome to the Notary banquet where diets are vanquished and appetites are satisfied every time. They have dishes named after types of loan signings. Let’s see what they have to offer.

Squid Ink Pasta
If you like the 1sts enough, you can have a 2nd, or a piggy back (combination loan) by combining the 1st and 2nd together and adding prosciutto. And yes, the ink comes out of a pretend notary seal.

Seal Kabob
I guess these are endangered species and they say, “ar ar ar” quite well, but for blogging purposes they taste great with light mediteranean seasoning. I wonder what seal tastes like. I bet it tastes like eel and rhymes with eel too. Maybe they should make sushi out of it.

Hybrid Plates
Surf and turf, steak and shrimp, this is what we call a hybrid.

eSigning dish
You eat a small plate but have to order with a signature pad. It’s one of those things millennials like that the rest of us might not like.

sHELoCs
Instead of HELoC, there is sHELoCs with angel hair pasta that looks like her locks.

Conventional
Tired of unconventional fusion cuisine? Try something conventional like chicken fried steak or apple pie.

FHA
Fries, Hamburger and Acorn Squash. This delicacy will entice your taste buds.

Reverse
I’m not sure how this would work. Would your server approach you walking backwards, or would we do a film shot of this scene and then play it backwards. Perhaps you would eat it backwards — hold that thought, no, bad idea.

Purchases
Just pay after you’re done eating.

Construction
The cake is built in pieces kind of like a prefab. So they construct it before you. If you don’t like it then get a demolition loan for your cake or a remodeling loan.

Time Shares
How often do you do time shares? When I have time. You can share food, but can you share time while eating food? I guess you could let the person next to you eat off your plate for 30 seconds if you know them well and trust them. This is a weird blog article even for me.

1031 Exchange
Yet another bizarre dessert idea of cake carved into the shape of the numbers 1031. Anthony Fauci would like it because he is all about “the numbers” and “the science.”

The Covid Cake
You have to stay six feet away from it and eat it taking your mask off in between bites. Of course, then you get germs on your mask which you can’t do either. So you are stuck.

I-9
The staff made a mistake and brought a K-9 (they were off by two letters) who went around sniffing everything and eating food that fell on the floor. So, he served his purpose. Then he found marijuana on one of the guest and drama ensued.

RON
Using this technology for dining, a person in Dubai can enjoy the banquet you are having right here in the Westchester district of Los Angeles. I’m not sure how that is possible. I don’t think you need to ID them virtually to eat a meal though.

Foreclosures
If you didn’t finish all of your courses, I guess the staff would have to foreclose on you and take everything away after a period of time.

Thank you for enduring my off sense of humor. I haven’t wr