Welcome to the Notary Dating Show. I’m your host Jeremy! Tonight we have a fun crowd. Sam wants to meet a nice female Notary, and we have three choices for him tonight. We have Shelly, Vicky, and Cathy. All of these ladies are Notaries and have a lot of experience as well. Let’s introduce Sam!
JEREMY: Sam! Welcome to our show!
SAM: It’s great to be here. I have never been on TV before. I’m so nervous. I cannot meet a nice girl to date no matter what I do. I just have nothing in common with anyone.
JEREMY: Well you have come to the right place! Because the girls we are introducing you to are all (pause) Notaries!
SAM: I’ve always wanted to date a Notary. I’ve heard so many good things about Notaries.
JEREMY: You’re also a Notary, right?
SAM: Yes, but I never meet other Notaries, only signers. You know how it is.
JEREMY: Good point. Well anyway, here is our first contestant — Shelly!
SHELLY: Hi Sam, I have my first question for you. Have you ever notarized anyone in a helicopter?
SAM: No, but I’ve heard that the motion of the propellers would make the notarization a lot smoother.
SHELLY: Well if you go out with me, you can try notarizing me in a helicopter on our way to Catalina Island.
SAM: What county is that? I need to know for the venue.
SHELLY: That is still Los Angeles County — don’t let the buffalo fool you.
SAM: You can pay me back by buying me a buffalo burger after the show.
SHELLY: Deal. They are high in protein, just like me!
VICKY: Hi Sam, I am Vicky. I wanted to know if you have ever notarized an arsonist.
SAM: Funny you should mention that, although there is nothing funny about arson. I notarized a guy multiple times who blew up his apartment. Then I got a call from a young Asian couple. They said they had to serve on Jury duty for a guy who blew up his apartment. I said it wouldn’t happen to be Fred, would it? Their jaws dropped. Small world. I could count the number of times I notarized him on one hand — but, not one of my hands, one of his hands, because he is missing a few fingers.
VICKY: Wow! That is so messed up, but intriguing. I have never heard a story like that before. So, how did you thumbprint him?
SAM: I had to use an index finger and document that fact in my journal. Too bad we can’t do retinal scans, although I think he blew out the sight in one of his eyes as well.
VICKY: Good God. I guess mama was right when she told us not to play with matches.
SAM: My mama always said — don’t play with matches or Notary seals. You never know what the consequences might be.
CATHY: Hi Sam. I have a question for you. Have you ever notarized someone in the back seat of your car?
SAM: I think you could get arrested for that, especially if your windows are not tinted. I notarized a bunch of people on the trunk of my car. One was pissed off at me, but I couldn’t find a parking place, and was in a hurry. I said if you want it notarized, this is how it is going to get done.
JEREMY: Very good Sam. You did an excellent job answering everyone’s questions. Now you can pick your favorite girl and ask her a question.
SAM: I pick Shelly. Shelly, have you ever notarized someone on the floor?
SHELLY: I’m not that kind of a Notary! But, someone asked me once. I was not easy kneeling with the journal out on their dirty floor. I had to move the signing over to the kitchen counter which was even more filthy. Some people ain’t got no class. I mean really.
SAM: I had an experience like that once. Have you ever gone out on a blind notarization?
JEREMY: Sorry, Sam. It is one question per contestant in the second round. But, if you want to ask more questions, write down a list of questions and ask Shelly out on a date. That’s right, because your first non-blind date has been scheduled for May 15th at a restaurant called Affiant. They specialize in comedic French food that is a little tongue & cheek, and your first course will be Japanese inspired robata beef tongue (seasoned & grilled to perfection) with a side of pork cheek cooked in a wine sauce slowly for 24 hours since you both have a 24 hour Notary service. Hope you don’t get called for a last minute job in the middle of your cheek. Then, you will have a free pass to West Los Angeles’ rock climbing gym where you can both make fools of yourself and have lots of fun doing it. See if you can pass for spiderman — we can supply outfits upon request. Just don’t pull a tendon, if you lack experience that is a common injury — oh, and bring plenty of chalk.
SAM: That sounds like a wonderful plan Jeremy. I think that unlike my previous relationships, it is better to start my relationship on the rocks, and then work it out from there rather than ending up on the rocks after a smooth beginning.
SHELLY: My thoughts exactly. I challenge you to a 5.11
SAM: A what?
JEREMY: That’s a particular level of climb. You’re not going to make it buddy, but enjoy it. Don’t worry, she’ll show you the ropes!
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