Frank & Estelle: George’s parents get a notarized vow renewal.
FRANK: It says here that a Notary can perform a Wedding and that such a Notary licensed to do such an act is referred to as a Wedding Officient.
ESTELLE: Read the fine print where it says that Notary’s can only perform such act in Maine, South Carolina and Florida.
GEORGE: Don’t you guys have a condo you can stay at down in Florida? You could have it done there.
FRANK: We’re not going all the way down to Florida now. We are just getting a vow renewal notarized. Anyone can do that. It is just a glorified Oath.
GEORGE: What’s the point? You’re happily married. You nag each other about everything. What could be better? I would say, if it ain’t broke, why fix it?
ESTELLE: It’s for sentimental reasons. We can get all dressed up in our wedding outfits, appear before a Notary, and state our vows again. How romantic.
GEORGE: (mumbling something) Sounds… great… I guess.
(back in the city)
KRAMER: You’re never going to believe this. I’m getting a second job as a riding instructor! It’s a great way to meet women. I never knew how much women loved horses until I went to this ranch. Gidde up!
GEORGE: Second job? What’s your first job? Since when do you work?
KRAMER: I’m a pastry taster. I’m a trained connoisseur. They call me the sommelier of pastry in the Village.
JERRY: (Rolling his eyes around.) Well, if they pay you… So, George, what’s new with you?
GEORGE: My parents.
JERRY: Oh… (unenthusiastically) What about them?
GEORGE: They’re getting this vow renewal thing done. I don’t really understand what it’s about. I referred them to this guy I know who is a Notary who can do the job.
KRAMER: Oh, that’s wonderful! I’d like to have that done too — if I were married. I’d do it every year!
JERRY: I don’t understand what the big deal is about. But, if they want it, they want it.
(back in the parent’s home)
NOTARY: May I see the document and your ID please?
FRANK: We don’t have a document.
NOTARY: You dragged me all the way out here without a document?
GEORGE: The document dad, you’ve gotta have a document. You told me you would write one up.
ESTELLE: Well, we didn’t think over what we were going to say. We were spending too much time on our outfits. How do we look? Does this dress make me look fat?
GEORGE: No, not a bit mom.
NOTARY: Well, you’ve gotta have a document, or at least some wording that I can perform an Oath on.
FRANK: You mean we invited twelve of our closest friends, spent 98 dollars and 12 cents on hors d’ouvres, and we can’t get notarized without a document?
GEORGE: You gotta have a document. And preferably current identification too.
ESTELLE: I don’t need identification. I don’t drive.
NOTARY: This is going to be a long day. I charge a travel fee plus waiting time you know.
FRANK: And we owe him this too. We — are unprepared!
ESTELLE: I guess your training in the army has worn off.
FRANK: You can say that again!
GEORGE: Well, why don’t we just write a little something up now. Do you have any paper?
FRANK: I have this expensive party napkin your mother forced me to buy at the party store. Each one cost 77 cents if I calculate correctly.
GEORGE: Well, then it will be a very expensive Oath. Better yet, let me call Kramer… (ring ring)
KRAMER: You need a wedding vow renewal Oath? Just look one up on Google. They have tons of them there. Whoa horsy.
GEORGE: You’re talking on the phone while you’re riding?
KRAMER: There’s no law against it. You should just avoid texting while galloping. They have a thing about that over here on the ranch.
GEORGE: You just be careful. And could you bring us over some leftover pastries while you’re at your 1st job?
KRAMER: You got it.
FRANK: This vow you printed out is perfect.
ESTELLE: I’ll start.
Good evening everyone. All of you look terrific. My name is Estelle, and before me is a New York State Notary Public, but not a wedding officiant. We gather here to renew our life-cycle celebrant. It is my honor to be present at this vow renewal. Before we begin, please make sure to turn your phone ringers on full blast, so if someone’s phone rings, we know who to blame. Please rise.
One of the wonderful things about vow renewals is that they also serve as a multi-family reunion. Let us honor the parents in this event… Unfortunately, they couldn’t make it. Let us honor the children in this event.
Now, Groom and Groom, I now ask that we read this excerpt from Plato’s symposium… Groom and Groom? Georgie.. where did you get this script from?
GEORGE: The internet mom. I thought we were in a hurry, so I got the first script I could get my hands on.
FRANK: No problem, just have the Notary read it, and where it says Groom and Groom, change it to Bride and Groom, or Groom and Bridge. Whichever he likes better.
(10 minutes later)
NOTARY: Please raise your right hands — So, do you Frank take Estelle as your renewed Bride, and to honor her and cherish her forever and ever and ever, so long as you shall both live?
FRANK: Even into the afterlife — if there is one.
NOTARY: And do you Estelle, take Frank as your renewed Groom, and will honor, cherish, obey, and love him so long as you both shall life?
ESTELLE: I do, but he is supposed to obey me, and I’m not so sure about all of this afterlife mumbo-jumbo.
NOTARY: I now pronounce you renewed husband and wife. You may kiss the other Groom… I mean the Bride. Boy, this script keeps you on your toes!
ESTELLE: Now, it’s cake time! We had our cake made to look like a Jurat. Guess what piece you are getting Mr. Notary?
ESTELLE: You get the Venue!
NOTARY: Oh… It’s wonderful, but I think the county is Queens here not New York.
ESTELLE: Once you’ve had a few shots of rum, you won’t know the difference. Drink up!