George’s parents (of all people, parents who constantly bicker with one another) are renewing their vows. George wants a notary to witness their vows in writing…
The Seinfeld Episode About a Notary aka Sign-Feld
GEORGE: Get this. My parents are renewing their vows.
JERRY: Frank and Estelle? (off George’s nod) The vows to argue with each other till death do they part?
GEORGE: What makes you think death’ll stop them? You think the Grim Reaper’s grim now?
Wait’ll he meets the “ungrateful dead”.
JERRY: Renewing their vows. It’s kinda sweet actually.
GEORGE: Remember that notary Kramer hired to authenticate the picture of Jesus on a piece of toast?
JERRY: The guy who swore it was Johnny Depp.
GEORGE: I still say it was Colin Farrell. I need Kramer to throw me his name. I may hire him.
JERRY: Looked more like Uncle Sam to me.
GEORGE: No way was that Uncle Sam.
JERRY: So why are you hiring a guy who worships Johnny Depp? Wouldn’t it make more sense if you were Johnny Depp?
GEORGE: I want him to authenticate the vows. If he can corroborate…
GEORGE: That’s right. If he can affirm the vows to be genuine, maybe then the loony birds will have to live by them for a change!
JERRY: Unless their vows are to continue not living by them.
KRAMER: Guess who’s the new errors and insurance salesman? You’re lookin’ at him!
JERRY: What makes you an errors and insurance expert? Although I admit your expertise when it comes to ensuring you make errors is second to none.
KRAMER: Remember that notary I hired?
JERRY: The one who saw Johnny Depp in a piece of toast?
KRAMER: It was Jesus, Jerry! Anybody with half a brain could tell you that!
JERRY: You’re right, you just did.
GEORGE: What was his name, Kramer? I need to hire a notary.
JERRY: Why do you want to hire a notary who doesn’t know Jesus from Johnny Depp?
GEORGE: Or Colin Farrell! He got it wrong. Maybe he’s cheaper.
KRAMER: (offering) Here’s his business card. Come on, George. Don’t you think Colin Farrell has better things to do than pop up on a piece of toast?
GEORGE: Jesus doesn’t??
KRAMER: Jesus works in mysterious ways.
GEORGE: Do does Farrell. He doesn’t even do talk shows.
KRAMER: Jesus doesn’t even do Charlie Rose!
JERRY: Will you two knock it off?
KRAMER: I’m suing the guy for affirming it was Depp over Jesus. And now I can also sell him an errors and insurance policy that’ll absorb his liabilities for an honest mistake.
JERRY: If it was an honest mistake, isn’t suing him a little dishonest?
KRAMER: I’m Cosmos, not Jesus.
GEORGE: What kind of liabilities?
KRAMER: The difference between the cost of a certifiable Johnny Depp piece of toast on eBay versus a certifiable Jesus piece of toast on eBay. You do the math!
Elaine enters, munching on a piece of toast.
ELAINE: That’s it. I am done. He’s gettin’ a Dear John text.
ELAINE: The teeth picker.
JERRY: Can’t you at least give him some floss first?
ELAINE: Floss. Toothpicks. Sucking between my teeth. The guy can’t take a hint.
GEORGE: Are you officially breaking up with the teeth picker?
ELAINE: The man is (displaying the last of what she’s munching on) toast.
KRAMER: (Eyeing toast) Is that who I think it is?
JERRY: Here we go.
GEORGE: If he’s so bad at picking up on hints and you want him to get the message you’re dumping him, don’t text him. Write him a Dear John letter on paper that a notary witnesses. So he can corroborate it.
GEORGE: Yes! Affirm to be correct, true or genuine.
ELAINE: Since when are you the notary expert?
GEORGE: When I was a kid, I had a dream about being a notary. Other kids were dreaming about naked women. I was dreaming about squeezing embossers. Your own seal. Administering oaths. It’s a very respectable line of work when you think about it.
JERRY: So why didn’t you ever take it up?
GEORGE: Since when am I respectable?
TO BE CONTINUED…