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August 23, 2019

More on bad boy Notaries

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:49 pm

I wrote a blog article about the difference between bad boy Notaries and “nice” Notaries. It seems that “nice” Notaries are basically not nice at all, but a bunch of losers who want to attain other’s positive opinion and never assert themselves. The intrinsic meaning of “nice” means that you care for others which is very different from caring about how others think of you which is selfish in a lame sort of a way.

Here are some more things a bad boy Notary could do.

1. The “nice” guy Notary arrives in his Toyota Corolla or Honda, parks on the street even if he has to walk three blocks.
The bad boy Notary arrives at the signing driving a Harley. Of course, if the Harley was really noisy that would add to the bad boy appeal.

2. The ‘nice” guy Notary read copious reviews on buying the most sensible laser printer on the market, yet ends up with one that is broken half the time and works at the speed of a snail because his budget was too small. The bad boy Notary invests in a mega printer that spits out 40 pages per minute (on a bad minute) and never breaks, and also has a three year guarantee. When the bad boy Notary introduces his printer he says, and I quote, “check out this bad boy.”

3. The “nice” guy Notary neatly stacks the blank pages (if any) in the stack of loan documents. The bad boy Notary
makes spitballs out of the blank pages in the stack of loan documents, or makes paper airplanes. Japanese bad boys prefer to do origami with the blank pages and show off their Yakuza tattoos and explain the story of each tattoo. The bad boy notary could also play hang man with customers using blank pages (and even hang them if they lose.)

4. The “nice” guy Notary refuses to answer phone calls during the signing because he feels it might upset the client. The bad boy Notary realizes that he will miss his next job assignment as well as tomorrow’s job assignments if he misses phone calls, texts and emails, so he is watching them like a hawk. Moreover, he is concerned that his various lady friends might call while at the signing and he definitely doesn’t want to miss their calls.

5. The “nice” guy Notary explains to the borrower why page three on the 1003 is left blank and then gets funny looks. The bad boy Notary plays tic tac toe with the customer using page three of the 1003. Sounds kind of lame, but is a way to use the page that says, “this page intentionally left blank.”

6. The “nice” guy Notary invests big bucks going to all of the NNA conferences, learns some, and makes a handful of connections that he could have made by making a few phone calls. The bad boy Notary reads Jeremy’s blog and masters the materials in the free courses, gets a few mentors by networking with Jeremy, Carmen and the other more experienced people in the industry, AND, writes sarcastic and mildly inappropriate responses to Jeremy’s blogs… (hmmm, sounds like Ken.)

7. The “nice” guy Notary let’s his customers rack up a huge bill without complaining. After all, he is afraid that they will stop sending business his way. The bad boy Notary has a credit limit with customers which he expects them to honor. If the don’t he will cancel a job at the last minute and send a text saying, “Paypal what you owe me or find another Notary, punk!” Ouch! Once again, sounds a little like Ken, except Ken asks to be paid up front as a standard business practice. I wonder if Ken wears a leather jacket? Ken also doesn’t call people punks… he calls them turkeys instead. (gobble gobble.)

8. The “nice” guy Notary wants to attracts any client he can and is afraid to lose any client. The bad boy Notary realizes that there are some people with more time than money, and others with more money and less time — he prefers the latter and charges them appropriately. If the client is not in a position to pay big and pay fast, bad boy Notary doesn’t have a use for them.

9. The “nice” guy Notary carries pepper spray in the car just in case. Better safe than sorry. The bad boy Notary carries pepper spray in the car, on his person, a gun, has a knife collection and a club. After all, you never know what is coming. Additionally, bad boy Notary always sits closest to the door not because he is afraid — he is just thinking ahead of the game just in case something happens. You always have to have an escape plan.

10. The “nice” guy Notary always brags that he knows what he is doing and talks endlessly about his “experience.” The bad boy Notary is certified five times over and keeps his cool when talking to clients. He answers questions the way they were ask, and doesn’t try to insert little self-promoting statements into the conversation when unnecessary. He figures if someone wants to know about his background in Escrow or the 10,000 loans he signed (or claims to have signed) they will ask. He plays it cool and gets the job, because he is very professional and not at all annoying contrary to the “nice” Notary who falls on his face trying to do a snow job or smoke screen.

So, there you have it. Nice guys finish last not because they are nice, but because they are lame and unprepared, not to mention stupid. Stay ahead of the game and be a bad boy Notary. But, perhaps without the Harley as that pointer is not that critical. However the Harley jacket has been scientifically proven to attract babes.

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August 22, 2019

He put crazy glue on his thumb

Filed under: Notary Mistakes — admin @ 10:48 pm

If you are in a hurry as a Notary to get the job done and get out, think again. Your job is to deter fraud. In fact, detering fraud is so critical in your Notarial profession, you should be called Fraud-Deteraries (not sure that is a word, I’ll Google it.)

A Notary went to a signing. The signer had put crazy glue on his thumb. Personally, I think that a more professional grade adhesive would have made more sense, but the borrower didn’t google “best adhesives for using during fraudulent notarized signings.” His loss! In any case, putting sarcasm aside, The Notary thumbprinted the signer in their journal (they were in California) didn’t notice that the thumb had no tire tread on it.

Later on, the signer, and the Notary ended up in court as the signer had impersonated a home owner and used fraud to steal or embezzle property from someone else. This would not have happened if the Notary had paid attention to the lack of tread and taken a look or felt the signer’s thumb and said, “something is up!”

However, please be advised that for the elderly, it is common not to have any tread, especially for the 80+ crowd. So, that is normal if there is no wear or tear left on their thumb. But for someone middle aged, that is not acceptable.

Putting crazy glue on your thumb is just plain crazy, but being a notary who is not on the ball is even worse. Stay alert and realize that your job is to prevent crazy people from impersonating others!

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August 21, 2019

Good Times — a trip to Burger King

Filed under: Sit-Coms — admin @ 10:47 pm

JJ: Would you like to date a worldly and sophisticated gentleman?

WILONA: Burger King?

JJ: 6pm

WILONA: Don’t be late!

JJ: And bring your notary seal.

WILONA: Nothing beats dining with royalty, especially in the ghetto.

JJ: Royalty?

WILONA: Burger KING dummy!

JJ: Oh yeah… I almost forgot. Oh, and speaking of forgetting, don’t forget your Notary seal just in case some random underachiever needs to be notarized.

WILONA: You’re the worst underachiever I’ve ever seen — I doubt anyone could top you!

JJ: You aparrantly haven’t met Chazzie yet.

WILONA: Chazzie?

(At Burger king)

CHAZZIE: What chu looking at JIVE turkey?

JJ: Who you callin a JIVE turkey?

CHAZZIE: You…. jive turkey

JJ: Well, I ain’t no jive turkey but you are.

WHITE GUY: I have a little gift for you Chazzie.

JJ: Aren’t you in the wrong neighborhood? (clearing throat repeatedly)

WHITE GUY: I was near by and decided to stop in for a burger.

WILONA: He’s not the only one. So, what’s the gift?

WHITE GUY: It’s a bumper sticker that says, “Honk, if you love honkies.”

CHAZZIE: Well I ain’t gonna be honking any time soon.

WHITE GUY: And why is that?

CHAZZIE: Because my damn horn is broken, fool.

WILONA: Don’t listen to him. That’s not the reason. The damn fool doesn’t even own a car. Ha ha!!! (slaps her knee laughing)

CHAZZIE: Okay, jokes aside, or should I say, jokes on me aside, I have an Affidavit of Squatter’s intent to be signed, you dig?

WILONA: If you would go to the basement, you’d have plenty to dig, and you might even be able to dredge out your own apartment under the radar that nobody would know about.

JJ: Nobody except for the rats, that is…

WILONA: Okay, just sign right here, and repeat after me… I Chazzie Johnson swear that the contents of this Affidavit of squatter’s intent is true and correct to the best of m knowledge, as spotty as my knowledge may be.

CHAZZIE: I Chazzie Johnson swear that the contents of this Affidavit of Squatter’s intent is true and correct to the best of my knowledge — Amen!

JJ: Close enough. Now stamp the damn form so I can get on dining with royalty. Ain’t there supposed to be a moat here? We are in a castle, right?

WILONA: I’ll throw you in the moat later, but first… enjoy your meal. And Chazzie, what was yo mama thinking when she named you?

JJ: I was there at the time. His mother was trying to say Jazzie, but she was so tired, that the only words that came out her mouth were Chazzie… my baby.

WILONA: Shut up fool, you hadn’t even been born yet.

JJ: I know…

CHAZZIE: Thanks Wilona. You saved my life

WILONA: If you call that a life.

JJ: Well, you know what I say — DYNOMITE!

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August 20, 2019

A bar only for “cool” notaries

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 11:48 pm

I had a dream that I bought a bar and wanted to make it the coolest place only, and for Notaries primarily. So, what I did was to create this apparatus called a “coolometer”. It is a little like how they strap you to a laughometer at comedy places where they charge by the laugh. The coolometer measures how cool you are, so the bouncer can decide whether or not to let you in on a busy night.

In any case, the machine has a rating from one to ten to test how cool you are. On a regular night you need to score at least four so we know you are not a complete dweeb. But, on the weekends you need to score at least six. Day time we did not have too many restrictions just as long as you weren’t scaring people away.

So, the bar did well. Many Notaries came and swapped stories about backdating, who paid, who didn’t, and more. Some Notaries decided to become pick up artists and come up with pick up lines (which usually didn’t work.

Do you sign her often?
What’s your sign?

LINE: Do your parents know that you hang out in dangerous neighborhoods after dark?
RESPONSE: This neighborhood isn’t dangerous.
LINE: It is when I’m here baby!

In any case, everyone had a good time and the bouncer had the necessary tools to pick them. Thank God he didn’t decide to screen people based on Notary knowledge otherwise the bar would have been empty. But, then, I decided to visit my own bar. The bouncer strapped me to my coolometer and said that I only scored a three and couldn’t come in. I said, “But, I invented this machine — not fair… plus I am the owner. What gives?” Then he said, “Just kidding.” I was so riled after that I had to have a home made ginger beer spiked with rum. Good God. And remember — Don’t drink and sign!

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August 19, 2019

A notary goes to a motivational event, but has a hearing problem

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 11:54 pm

Frank the Notary went to a motivational speech to try to improve his way of thinking. But his hearing was off. The speaker said, “Become the best version of yourself.” But, Frank heard something different.

All throughout the speech, the teacher made lame gender related jokes, and Frank tried to laugh extra hard. The speaker made some lame joke about how Jack and Jill went up the hill but did more than just fetch a pail of water and Frank laughed his head off. After about two hours of this, the teacher came to have a one on one talk with Frank.

SPEAKER: Hi Frank, is that what your name tag says?

FRANK: Pardon my handwriting. I get a little jittery around all of this sexy ladies.

SPEAKER: There are only two ladies under fifty here and trust me they are nothing to look at.

FRANK: You know what I mean.

SPEAKER: I think you misheard me when I began this lecture. I said be the best version of yourself, not the best virgin.

FRANK: Ohhhhh! Now you tell me. And I was trying so hard too! Now I will be Frank 3.1

SPEAKER: Well thank God for that. And thank God you finally lost your virginity.

FRANK: What a relief!

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August 18, 2019

Here is why you should keep a journal…

Filed under: Carmen Towles — admin @ 11:40 pm

I was speaking with one of my notary colleagues and I don’t know how the topic of journals came up but it did. This notary lives and works in Florida and they are not required to keep a journal but he does. He says that he always has since day one. He says that it has saved him on more than one occasion.

He shared with me a couple of incidents that he felt have saved him from wasted time, lawsuits and lawyer fees. After a 5 year old notarization, he received a call from an attorney that wanted to know if he remembered notarizing for a Haitian woman whom he had met with. Typically he doesn’t remember them after a few years but he did remember her. The lawyer went on to tell him that the woman had since passed and the son was contesting the POA he had notarized, He said that his mother would not have signed such a document. It seems she had given one of the other sibling POA and this angered him. So, the notary found the journal entry, made a copy and sent to the attorney and that was the end of it. He never heard from him again.

On another occasion he actually received a subpoena and had to actually appear in court. It seems this was around the time of option arm loans and subprime. In any case, the signers of the loan were claiming fraud on the lenders part. Because no-one is required in Florida to keep a journal he was not asked for a journal entry. However, on the day of his court appearance he brought along his journal. Upon taking the stand to be questioned, he mentioned to the judge that not only did they appear before him and indeed sign the loan documents, he had journal entries along with thumbprints to prove it. The judge looked at the journal and in annoyance banged his gavel and said case dismissed. Pay your bills he directed to the borrower/signers.

Now think about this; what if in both these occasions he had not had a journal to prove that these people had met with him. Both these cases had the potential to drag on for weeks perhaps even months.

So moral of the story, PLEASE keep a journal for your own (and others) protection. For most states this is not a requirement. And, if your are precluded/prohibited form keeping one (Texas comes to mind) then by all means follow the rules/laws of your state. But for the rest of you that have no such restriction please keep a journal. It is so worth the extra effort. The benefits for out weigh the expense (buying journals) and the extra time required too fill them out. A journal could save your life…..

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August 17, 2019

The Signature Name Affidavit: what is it and its purpose…

I am posed with questions concerning this document quite often. So let me tell what it is and what it isn’t. For those of you that are unfamiliar; this document is one of the documents found in 95% of all of loan packages.

The signature name affidavit represent names that have appeared on an individuals credit report(s). When a person applies for a loan, the lender runs a persons credit using all 3 of the credit bureaus (Experian, TransUnion and Equifax). These reports will usually include all of the names an individual has used in their lifetime; examples would be; marriages, maiden and name given at birth. The signers are required by the lender to sign the form and the form typically needs to be notarized.

At other times there will be clerical errors consisting of misspelled names and occasionally where the names are quite different. Sometimes in the case of the latter the signers will have an objection to signing the form and one can hardly blame them. So, if the signers have an objection to signing a name that is not their own, I have them strike it and initial. To date that has been acceptable and I haven’t had a document returned because of this action. (I suggest however, that you always bring this to the attention the company (or person) that hired you while-at the signing table if it is an issue. Never take matters into your own hands. ALWAYS ask).

There will be other times when the ID doens’t match the documents exactly; say for example, a middle name is missing or the maiden was used previously and now they are married but they have no ID with these variations, you may be asked to add this name variation to the signature name affidavit in lieu of having ID. This is a big NO.NO. We must have current government issued picture ID. (or credible witnesses if they are allowed in your state). You CANNOT add names to the signature name affidavit that you DON’T have ID for. This is fraud and you will be on BIG trouble, if it ever comes up in an investigation or court case. I hear notary excuses; “But Carmen, they swore to me that that was their name.” Not good enough. Just imagine how this would appear to law enforcement or a judge. You must protect yourself and the signer. If you unfortunately find yourself in this situation always ask the signers if they have other acceptable ID that has all their names on it or use credible witness if allowed.

Now, I have actually added names to the signature name affidavit that I had ID for, but that is another blog story. 🙂

Until next time, be safe!

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August 16, 2019

Confessions of a Notary

Filed under: Other Guest Bloggers — admin @ 11:35 pm

Notary, Jean, walks into a confessional booth, shuts the door and sits down. The PRIEST
begins with the sign of the cross.

JEAN: Forgive me Father for I have sinned. It has been about 3 years since my last confession. Ooph, where do I begin?
(Silence.) Okay… I have lied, a lot, for my job.

PRIEST: How so?

JEAN: Well, I backdated a document for a client–big no-no. I often don’t check ID’s in meetings with clients. Oh, I tried to help this poor girl with a document. Her mom was so sick that she couldn’t make it to the appointment, so I didn’t witness her signature–but though I know that’s wrong, I think Jesus would be on board with that one because I was helping someone in need. Granted, it was her mother’s will…Oh SHIT! I don’t think her mom signed that…FUCK!

PRIEST: Excuse me?

JEAN: Oh, and I cussed during confession…Sorry.

PRIEST: You must be a notary.

JEAN: Yeah. I am.

PRIEST: I absolve you of your sins. You may go.

JEAN: goes to leave.
If I could offer some advice?

JEAN: Yes.

PRIEST: Maybe follow the law, and you know, not commit fraud for people.

JEAN: Right. Thank you, Father.

JEAN leaves. Another PERSON enters.

PRIEST: Before we begin, what is your profession?

PERSON: Notary?

PRIEST: Oh gosh. Let’s begin in the name of–
End.

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August 15, 2019

Show me the money…..

Filed under: Carmen Towles — admin @ 11:34 pm

For the last 3 or so months I have started receiving several calls a week from folks looking for contact information on various signing companies due to non payment. These notaries are searching on Google because the contact information they have on there work orders seem to be no longer accurate. They’re emails to the companies go un-answered or they just don’t answer the phone. I suspect that these companies are blocking and/or ignoring them. So after the notaries have exhausted all attempts to find these deadbeat signing services (with no luck) they end up calling 123 for help.

Here is what I advise; please always keep the title/escrow and lenders contact numbers. If you have exhausted all your efforts with the signing service, then your last resort is to let the title, escrow and/or lender know that the company that they are using is not paying you. They will not be happy about this. If they have been bombarded with collection calls they may rethink their relationship with the signing service. You just might get a direct client out of the deal. Unfortunately for us, the only sure way of always getting paid is to get paid upfront. But of course this will never happen. Our profession is just not designed this way. Since our (in addition to other) fees come directly from the borrowers settlement costs we typically have to wait until the loan closes to be paid. What a bummer!

The next natural questions notaries ask are; “ How do they get away with this?” and “How do they stay in business?” and last but not least, “What can be done about this?”. The best way to solve these problems would be for us to just stop working with them. But that is not is going to happen. Most notaries come into this business not having a clue how things truly work. They are just anxious to get some assignments and get to making some money. These companies know this and take advantage. The new notaries also are not aware that there are resources (123notary and notary rotary, etc.) for them to check these folks out BEFORE you do the job. Keep in mind signing services ARE NOT regulated. Anyone can start one. You must protect yourself from these wolves in sheep clothing. Do your research on each company that you work with; preferably before you print those doc’s.

These non payment issues are what happen when the signing companies come in with no capitol, start making money and when the business starts to slow down (which it often does) they start not paying. They will use your money to pay their bills. And once they get so far behind it is almost impossible to catch up. Unfortunately, they keep on using notaries; robbing Peter to pay Paul and they just get further and further behind. And because there is always a ton of fresh new notaries coming into the profession these companies never run out of new notaries to exploit and this cycle just repeats itself.

So, please make sure that you post these non payment issues on the notary boards and forums so others can be for warned. And so your do diligence and check these companies out! No exceptions!

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August 14, 2019

Millennial Notaries and gender roles

Filed under: General Articles — admin @ 11:33 pm

It has come to my attention that many of the millennial Notaries are confused about gender roles.

We had a male Notary who did not want to lead at a signing. He claimed that leading might cause offense to the others because they might consider the signing to be part of the male patriarchy. However, the signers felt differently. They did not know what to do, and the Notary did not help. So, they called the signing company and the Notary got fired.

Another Notary did not want to talk to the wife at the signing for fear that he might come across as male chauvinist. During the whole signing, the husband and wife kept looking at each other giving each other weird looks. They did not know what to think.

A third Millennial Notary did a signing at Starbucks. The signer asked the lady next to him what time it was and proceeded to make small talk. The Notary said, “Not cool,” because many Millennials think it is not cool (and scary) to approach women. Kind of reminds you of the Gillette commercial for Millennials. But, such a situation happened to me at a bar, where the male millennial staff member got all afraid because I wanted to ask one of the Chinese girls if she preferred effeminate guys to masculine guys. In China, masculinity is out, and guys who act like girls are in. Good thing I speak English like a guy, but speak Chinese like a girl!

My question to millennials is:
If men stop approaching women (and many have due to getting shot down) then how will people date, get married or reproduce? I think that the millennial brain is too small to think that far in advance. Additionally, if a man is not masculine (in more than just “for show” ways) then how will he provide for and protect his family? 33% of millennials live with mommy and daddy. Not very macho if you ask me. Glad my family kicked me out of the house when I finished college otherwise I would have ended up an adult baby like them. Good God!

If gender roles are flexible, then just have your husband get pregnant for you half the time and have him breast feed the baby. After that, I’m sure his male genes will be equally suited to parenting a two, three and four year old child while the female bread winner goes out and makes money. Only 10% of wives make more than their husbands. Gender reversal is the standard way of thought for millennials, but biology dictates that the results of such an action would be far less than optimal or impossible. I guess the political pressure on people stops them from thinking coherently. But, I know how to think.

Newsflash — men and women are not the same. When men go out, they get approached by women roughly 10% of the time. It happens but is rare. When you go out on a date, the man normally pays. When you have a family, the women normally depends financially on the man, especially when she is pregnant or has an infant. So, it looks like men are doing 90% of the hunting people down and providing and women are doing the child rearing, even in these politically correct times. Correct me if I am wrong, that the brainwashing has changed its message, but biology is still consistent with our ancestors in Africa 200,000 years ago. Hmm, do you think my African ancestors had rhythm?

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