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January 30, 2022

Don’t park in the driveway?

This article was originally published many years ago.

Don’t Park in the Driveway?
 
This sounds like a dull topic, but the type of responses we get, keep getting better by the day. This issue is the least clear cut, and most confusing issue that notaries face.  Yet, so few notaries ever have this issue cross their mind. 
 
Don’t Park in the Driveway.
Its rude and unprofessional to park in the driveway.  You are leaking fluids on someone’s driveway, preventing them and their family from parking there, and potentially blocking someone.  But, sometimes, there are situations where you should park in the driveway.  You could make several Seinfeld episodes out of this topic.  There is a general rule, and there are dozens of exceptions.
 
(1) I’m confused, isn’t that what driveways are for?  No! The driveway is for the borrower to park in, not the signing agent.  You are a guest, and not the resident.  Don’t park there without permission, and don’t ask permission unlesss you really have to.
 
(2) In regards to “Don’t park in the driveway”, please be aware that many gated communities have banned on-street parking. Check with the homeowner if street parking is allowed when you make the confirmation call. (This is true especially in Florida.)
 
(3) In regards to “Don’t park in the driveway”……where I live most of the time that is ONLY place to park. When I was a new signing agent, that piece of information caused me a lot of stress, but have since realized that I have to do what I have to do. I try not to block in vehicles, but that isn’t always possible.
 
(4) If there is a snow storm, you need to park in the driveway, otherwise the snow plow will cover your car with snow.
 
(5) In rural communities, driveways might be more than a half a mile long, so it behooves you to park in the driveway in such a situation. In winter, it wouldn’t be safe to walk up such a long driveway.
 
(6) Some notaries say, they always park in driveways taking care not to block someone in and never had any trouble. Other notaries say that they would never park in someone’s driveway no matter what.
 
(7) One lady says that a customer complained that she parked in the street instead of the driveway.
 
(8) There might be signs on the street not allowing street parking. That means you are forced to park on the driveway.
 
(9) In some neighborhoods the streets are very narrow, making it a better choice to park in the driveway.
 
The bottom line is that if you value etiquette and manners, and take them to the highest level, just ask where the borrower would like you to park, and then everyone will love you, and might even love your leaking coolant too!

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January 29, 2022

My date with Jeremy

This article was originally published in 2013.

He was striking and utterly took my breath away–like a traffic accident. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. He had deep, penetrating gray eyes that seemed to notice everything. His shirt was the color of numbers.

We got out of the car at the restaurant. He took the ticket stub the valet handed him and scrutinized the numbers. “These add up to 33, an excellent number for business,” Jeremy noted. “I hope my good fortune extends to this restaurant as well. Let’s go in and see what’s on the menu.”

The sign above the entrance said Le Jurat.

“How did you pick this restaurant?” I asked.

“I have an algorithm for restaurants,” Jeremy said, opening the door for me.

“How chivalrous!” I replied. I was in awe of him, and I didn’t know what else to say.

“I assess the restaurant according to reviews, how they answer the phone, and zip code… and then I try the food,” he explained. “I test the food before bringing a friend here. Sometimes the reviews don’t match the quality of the service provider. In my opinion, good reviews don’t necessarily translate to good service–but I don’t know if you subscribe to that opinion, Sealia.”

As we were being taken to our table, a woman with frizzed red hair like the bride of Frankenstein ran up to Jeremy, tapped him on the shoulder, and demanded–“My password! I need my password! I can’t get in to update my page!”

Jeremy looked her in the eye and said sternly, “I’m having dinner. I emailed you your password three times in the last few months. You need to request it by email. Not now.”

I wondered exactly what the woman was talking about…and whether this man ever had any time to himself.

The decor of Le Jurat was elegant, parchment beige with traces of pink and gold, and there was no waiting line, yet the restaurant was full–an amazing combination for a Saturday night in Los Angeles. On all the tables, a little sign next to the placemats read, “Customers who subscribe to our newsletter have sworn by us…” The music playing in the background was “I Swear” by John Michael Montgomery…

“When I was choosing restaurants,” Jeremy said slyly, “it was a choice between this place and a Christian Korean place called the Hyung Moon Temple where the signature dish was Stained Glass Noodles.”

I laughed. “So tell me about this business of yours,” I asked. “What exactly do you do for notaries?”

“I provide advertising, education, and entertainment for notaries–visit us on Facebook! I also use algorithms to assess the notaries’ performance and knowledge.”

“I didn’t know Al Gore had rhythm,” I smiled and nodded.

“I didn’t know he had rhythm, either.” His phone rang. “123notary, this is Jeremy” he stated automatically.

“It’s Vicki from Hyung Moon,” he said aloud; “Sorry, Vicki, I have to cancel…I will not be able to make it this evening. I wish to rescind.”

He hung up quietly and said, “I kind of double booked…”

He was just about to smile again when the phone rang–again.

“Hullo,” screeched a voice.

“123notary, this is Jeremy.”

“Are you a notorizor?”

“I used to be a notary but I’m not anymore. Please look on 123notary. I’m the site administrator. Please call a notary on the site. Have a nice night. Goodbye.”

Again the phone rang,
but this time, he glanced at the number and said, “I’m not going to answer now because I’m with you, but I’ll have to call them back in exactly one hour and 56 minutes. That will be the best time to speak with this person who wants to take a phone test. I remember their number and the exact time they said would be optimal to call. That gives us enough time to have our meal and a dessert…before we go to FedEx to finalize the date,” he said, focusing on a tiny spot on the tablecloth.

“FedEx?” I said. “Why FedEx?”

“That’s where my dates always end–at a FedEx drop box.”

We tried to catch the waiter’s attention. “Hey–the waiter didn’t even acknowledge us!” Jeremy quipped. “Do you think our waiter will personally appear before us? I would like to order the Soup du Jurat…and a Certified Angus Burger…I like this restaurant because it’s 24 hours…although they don’t answer the phone after 11…if you want late-night service you have to call before 11… ”

I decided on the Rack of Lamb. “Is that a dual rack or a single?” I asked the waiter, who had finally appeared.

“Well, technically it’s a single rack….but we put in a separator program…so the legal size chops can go on a legal-sized plate.”

“If I don’t like the entree, do I have the right to cancel?” Jeremy demanded.

Finally the waiter delivered the food–and not a minute too soon.

“This lamb is delicious!” I said.

Jeremy ate his certified burger. “This stuff is as good as Kobe beef!” he replied.

“So what is it really like running 123notary?” I asked.

“It’s like dealing with a series of situations that never end,” he said.

“So it’s like marriage,” I said.

“That’s a good analogy. Trying to get people to do what they’re supposed to is like separating ribs. I need people to answer their phone, or write their Notes. They don’t all do it.”

“So it’s like a cross between babysitting and marriage…”

“Another good analogy! We’re really on the same page here. Would you like to have dessert at Le Venue down the street?”

“I’d love to!”

“Waiter, would you bring our settlement statement? Was my appetizer amortized over the life of the dinner?”

The waiter brought the check.

“When is my first payment due?” asked Jeremy.

“In five minutes,” the waiter answered. “The term of your loan is 45 minutes–with no accrued interest. The final payment is due tonight as well.”

“Is my APR different from my rate?”

“They are the same–due to the fact that we are not adding finance charges to your transaction,” the waiter explained.

“I see your point.”

“There are no points– because points would be considered finance charges–and no origination fee,” concluded the waiter.

“This conversation is completely irrelevant, considering there is no security instrument,” said Jeremy.

The waiter returned with the credit card statement.

“What color ink would you like me to sign with, black or blue?”

“Either. Just as long as you are personally appearing before me, I can accept your signature…but I could give you an oath…because I saw you were raising your right hand as you were trying to hail me,” the waiter replied.

“Shall we leave?” I asked Jeremy.

“Let’s go,” he said.

We walked down the street to Le Venue, a Restaurant for Notaries, for dessert.

“What county are we in?” Jeremy asked the hostess.

“Why do you need to know?”

“You always need to know what county you’re in when you fill out a venue. You’re not a notary, are you?” Jeremy told the hostess.

“Is everyone here a notary?” he asked the waiter.

“Pretty much…except the hostess,” the waiter replied.

I noticed the placemats read, “State of California…”

We looked at the menu anyway, even though we were only there for dessert…and saw “Roast Seal with Ink.”

Jeremy considered the mousse for dessert…

“What county is the mousse from?” Jeremy asked.

“It’s not from a county, it’s from a province, sir” the waiter replied.

“Can we get an Alaskan mousse?” …

“How about this dessert made with oreo cookies– what a great raised seal they have!” I suggested.

“Does the seal on the embossed cookie have an expiration date?” Jeremy asked.

“It doesn’t expire until 2015,” the waiter attested.

“How about the analytics dessert? It’s a graph… It’s in the form of a pie graph…”

“Oh, I can’t eat a whole pie…” I said.

“Well, most of the pieces are missing…the anayltics weren’t very good…” Jeremy pointed out.

Jeremy got the mousse, and I asked for the Locus Sigilli Sundae.

“Today is Friday. Do you serve the sundae today–or only on Sundays and federal holidays?”

“We serve this sundae with the oreos every day, sir,” the waiter replied.

The food was perfect.

“I can’t finish my dessert,” I said. Can you finish it for me?” I asked.

“I think we have to get a power of attorney for me to finish your dessert,” Jeremy replied.

On the way out, he went up to the hostess and asked, “Can you validate us?”

“You’re a very nice person,” she told him, smiling.

“No, I mean stamp our parking receipt…Can I stamp it myself? I’m a notary; that’s my thing. Can I backdate it? We’ve been here quite a while…”

“No, sorry sir, we don’t allow that…”

“I enjoyed eating the date stamped on my oreos…” I said, wondering what to expect next.

“I enjoyed eating my mousse…but I would have enjoyed it more if the antlers hadn’t been crushed by the car that hit it in the dark, ” Jeremy laughed. “Can I take you home?” Jeremy asked softly.

“No….just drop me off at the FedEx drop box.”

Tweets:
(1) “Waiter, would you bring our settlement statement? Was my appetizer amortized over the life of the dinner?”
(2) The waiter brought the check. “When is my first payment due?” asked Jeremy.
(3) “Does the seal on the embossed oreo cookie have an expiration date?” Jeremy asked.
(4) The notary asked, “Can I get an Alaskan moose with Russian dressing. They’re our next door neighbors!”
(5) Running 123notary is more like babysitting than you think,
“Did you update your listing? Did you update your notes? Did you renew yet?”
(6) “FedEx?” I said. “Why FedEx?” “That’s where my dates always end–at a FedEx drop box.”
(7) Running 123notary is like a cross between babysitting & a marriage. A bunch of situations that never end!

You might also like:

My 2nd date with Jeremy
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=7074

What are Jeremy’s favorite blog entries?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18837

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January 28, 2022

Bartender Notary: A reverse mortgage on the rocks!

Filed under: Humorous Posts,Popular on Twitter 2011 — Tags: , , — admin @ 11:54 pm

This was originally published in 2013.

Signing with the Bartender-Notary: Reverse Mortgage on the Rocks

The bartender notary knocks on the door. “Hi, I’m the bartender notary. I’m here to do your signing.”
“Sure, come right in,” says Joe the borrower.

They go to the dining room table to do the signing. The bartender notary looks around and says, “Hey, isn’t that a wet bar in the back of your living room?”
“Yes.”
“Would you mind if we sat over there?; I would feel much more comfortable sitting over there,” the bartender notary says.
Joe goes behind the bar and asks, “Where am I supposed to sit?”
“No, I’m the bartender so I go behind the bar. you sit on the stool on the other side,” the notary insists.

“Aren’t we gonna do the signing?” asks Joe.
The notary opens his briefcase and takes out a few flasks of non-alcoholic drinks, a tall glass, and a little umbrella. “I’m frustrated, because , when I go to signings, no one ever offers me a drink…maybe after half an hour they might offer me some tap water if I’m lucky…So I decided to turn the tables around…or the counters, as the case may be…and offer the signers a drink. I make my own orange-cranberry spritzer…would you like one of those…or would you like a virgin lemonade? I’ve got everything except ice.”

“Make me a strawberry lime spritzer…and can you muddle the fruits a little? Wait—” says Joe. “Aren’t we supposed to be doing a signing?”
“I’m the bartender notary; I talk bar talk. It’s my trademark to serve drinks and make smalltalk before we do the signing.”
“Ok, I’ll play along,” says Joe.

“How about those Dodgers, Joe? Who are they gonna trade?”
“Well, right now, I’m ready to trade notaries—if we don’t get started with the signing right away.”
“Ok, let’s do the signing,” the notary shrugs.
“Actually,” Joe says, “my reverse mortgage was on the rocks since the beginning of the application process, so I decided to go for a refinance– straight up.”

“Ok,” the notary says.“Your first document is a Deed of Trust. May I see some ID, sir?”
The borrower says, “What, I don’t look over 21?”
“Just a precaution, sir.”

The bartender notary opens his journal and begins to record the types of documents, the patron-borrower’s ID, and the types of drinks served at the signing.

The notary says, “This is your Deed of Trust. Your loan amount is right here; please initial all pages of the document and sign on the last page.”

They get to the Note; the notary says, “This is your Note. Your interest rate is 4.5%. The last loan I signed was an adjustable rate mortgage. I asked the borrower if he would like his interest rate shaken or stirred when the adjustment date comes in two years. He didn’t laugh. He didn’t think it was very funny. I’m lucky he didn’t trade me. Maybe it was how I said it…”

Then the notary asks, “So how’s the wife treating you?”
“Oh, I canned her years ago… I have a girlfriend,” says Joe.
“Do you think she will be in need of a bartender-notary anytime soon?”
“No she lives in an apartment. She won’t need to refinance anything in this lifetime.”

“So waddaya think–those interest rates—are they gonna go up or down?” asks the bartender notary.
“Oh, the Fed’s gotta keep it about the same—or you notaries will all be out of a job!”

“Next, we are going to look at the TIL. This is your Truth in Lending disclosure. Your APR is right here. So are we going into Iran? Whaddaya think the chances are that we invade Iran?”
Joe the signer looks at the TIL and says, “I’d give it about a 4.97%… Hey, I thought we’re not supposed to talk about politics at the signing?”
“That’s my trademark, I have to talk about politics because I’m the bartender notary… that’s what bartenders talk about. Would you like some bar snacks? We have peanuts, wasabi chips … Did you hear about LAX Vineyards new wine blend? It’s a cross between a cab, a merlot, and a shuttle. It’s very popular with bartenders. Did you hear about the wine documentary from Ireland? It’s called Cork Uncorked… There’s a special kind of wine for a signing… Did you hear about the Reverse Mortgage Cabernet? It’s rich in tannins and has two subtle notes…black cherry, and a hint of cocoa…and a smooth finish…assuming that we don’t have to call the lender.”

Joe asks, “What’s next?”
“The next document is your HUD.”

They go to the HUD. Joe the borrower asks, “Oh, so is my strawberry lime spritzer documented in the HUD?”
“Yeah, I think it’s right there under the termite inspection…Let’s just sign the rest of these documents; I have to close up soon…Last call,” says the notary.

They finish signing the rest of the documents.

The notary takes the borrower’s copy of the Deed of Trust and places it next to the signed Deed of Trust. Joe looks at it and says, “There are two Deeds of Trust. I’m seeing double. I thought that strawberry lime spritzer was non-alcoholic…”

“No! These are your borrower’s copies. Are you gonna be ok—or should I call you a cab?”
Joe: “I’m already home…I live here.”

Tweets:
(1) I’m frustrated because when I go to signings, nobody ever offers me a drink!
(2) Bartender notary prefers to do his signings sitting on stools near the wet-bar.
(3) I’m the bartender notary; I talk bar talk. It’s my trademark to serve drinks and make smalltalk before signing.”

.

You might also like:

Compilation of Notary Stories
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=21898

Compilation of virtual comedy Notary articles
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17693

Compilation of posts about Notary etiquette
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=20505

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January 27, 2022

Crayons and dog treats at the signing

Filed under: Etiquette,Ninja Theme Articles,Pets at Signings — admin @ 12:30 am

NOTE: The point of this article is that the Notary put unique and interesting information about how she brings crayons and dog treats to the signing. This refreshing information got her a lot more business. Learn from her!

I just spoke to a delightful notary. It is fun talking to the new notaries, because some of them are so interesting!

This lady likes to make everyone comfortable at a signing, and she gets a lot of repeat business, so her method is working. When she walks in the door, she greets the animals and children first. She gets to know them a bit, and explains to them what she is going to do there. She also offers treats to the dogs, and crayons for the children!

The result of her nice way of getting to know everyone, is that everyone is happy during the signing. Dogs are much happier if you introduce yourself to them and tell them your name. They like it if you let them sniff you a bit. Cats are a little more tricky. It takes cats a few years to warm up to a human, and feeding them chicken daily for a few years facilitates the process. The children feel very happy, that someone thought of them, and now they have something to do during the signing that will keep them quiet.

It is fun to hear about the unique approaches that notaries have to doing signings, and this one was fun!

But, there is only one lingering question that I feel I must ask.
How come nobody gets ME crayons?

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January 26, 2022

The carrot, the stick, the notary, and the bag

Filed under: Humorous Posts — Tags: , , — admin @ 5:55 am

We have all heard the story about the carrot and the stick. But, I decided to add complexity to the story by adding in the notary and the bag which are both relevant in their own way.

The Carrot
Most notaries are lured in by the benefit of getting paid for signing agent work. They are desperate to get work. They believe all of the lies they are fed by companies that string them along without paying them what they really deserve — or perhaps without paying them at all. Notaries keep chasing these bad companies around in desperations because these companies have a carrot — or at least a perceived carrot. (money would be the carrot in this case)

Notaries should NOT hover around bad companies like little puppy dogs jump around their master. Have some dignity! You need to market yourself to hundreds of signing companies. Get on their lists. And keep in touch with them. You need to see yourself as a carrot rather than chasing other people’s carrots. The notary’s carrot is that they can provide seamless service. Imagine a notary who is always on time, always well dressed, always polite, rock solid in reliability, doesn’t make mistakes, knows the documents inside out, and knows how much to explain and what to refer to the lender. If you can be that perfect flawless notary — you are valuable — and you would be more than just a perceived carrot to the signing / title companies. You would be a stick.

The Stick
Many notaries try waving their stick around without the carrot. They brag about themselves and try to convince others that they are great, and they are above the childish requirements for fax backs. Companies who use inexperienced notaries require fax backs since those notaries make a lot of mistakes. If you are “all that”, then why are you working for these chop shops in the first place? Don’t wave your stick around talking and whining — become a carrot on a stick instead.

The Notary
Notaries whine about not being offered much money for undesireable jobs with fax backs. The fact is that if you have experience and are 100% reliable and offer 100% quality service — such a notary is NOT REPLACEABLE… Then you develop a tremendous value. Those are the notaries that companies will wait for. They will say, “Okay, we will reschedule the signing for Wednesday if that is when you are free — we will wait for you”. If you are an average notary, nobody will wait for you.

The Bag
If you don’t make yourself into a super desireable notary, you will be left out by the more desireable companies who can pick and choose. And you will be left holding the bag.

An ending quote…

“If life gives you carrots, make carrot juice” — 123notary.com

.

You might also like:

What are Jeremy’s favorite blog entries?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18837

A compilation of Notary stories
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=21898

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January 25, 2022

Vampire Notaries: 24 hour service

This was originally published in 2013

It was a dark and rainy night.
A couple called a company called Vampire Notaries for a late night signing.

The company’s motto was:
“We are part vampire; We provide 24 hour service”

They were going to sign a simple affidavit. The couple thought the business name of the notary sounded romantic in an erie way. In any case, the vampire(s) showed up a the appointed time.

It was 2am on a rainy night. There was thunder; There was lightening. The couple was cozying up next to the fireplace sipping wine. Then, there was a slow, but emphatic knock on the door. Knock………… knock……….. knock………. Each knock was heavy and decisive, but not frighteningly loud. There was a four second pause between each knock.

Two seemingly normal men in their 30’s were at the door. They both had clean cut hair, and were clean shaven. Everything was normal about these two guys, or at least, so it seemed. The only distinguishing aspect of their appearance was their long black coats. But, it was raining, so perhaps they needed a long trenchcoat, right? Or, was this part of their usual attire?

The couple asked why there were two of them. The answer was, “We like to work in pairs”. The couple gave each other a weird look, and then they asked what was next. Vampire #1 asked to see their identification. The couple gladly handed their drivers licenses over. Vampire #1 stared at the picture of the lady, and said, “That’s a nice picture, you have nice rosy cheeks… you must have good circulation! Do you work out?” Next, Vampire #1 wanted to see the documents. The couple was instructed to sign the documents. Next, it was time for pawprints. Vampire #2 asked for a right thumbprint from the husband. At this point, the wife asked, “Aren’t you asking for a lot? The next thing you will ask for is a DNA sample, a retinal scan, or even a BLOOD SAMPLE.”.

At this point, Vampire #1 exclaimed,
“Funny you should mention that” — and gave a knowing glance to the the other vampire.

Then it was time for the wife’s thumbprint. The husband said to Vampire #2, “You really do spend a lot of time looking over my shoulders and breathing down my neck. Vampire #2 said, “They don’t call us Vampire Notaries for nothing!”. Finally, the wife noticed that Vampire #1 was doing 90% of the work. She asked why one Vampire did almost all of the work. Vampire #2 explained, “I prefer to watch!” — with a delighted look on his face.

After the notary work was all done, the couple paid the notaries. But, Vampire #2 said, “We are not done yet”. The wife asked, “What more could we possibly do?”. Vampire #2 walked over to his briefcase, and whipped out four dixie cups and announced, “It’s time for our midnight elixer!”. Vampire #1 brought a small bottle of sangria, he glanced at the couple’s Anderson Valley Syrah and said, “You are drinking the WRONG type of wine!”.

So, all four of them enjoyed a two ounce sip of Sangria (the Italian word for BLOOD) from their little chalices. After that, the vampires were about to part ways with this young couple. The lady said to the man, “They seemed nice, but that was a little strange”.

Right before the vampires walked out the front door, Vampire #1 whipped out a purple light. The couple saw what these guys looked like in the light, and their eyes turned a very disconcerting color, and their teeth turned color too, emphasizing their fangs.

“Oh my god”, screamed the wife.

“Fare well”, retorted the vampires… and left, with the door making a medium-loud clunk as it closed.

The next day, the couple woke up. Everything seemed normal. The husband brushed his teeth. The wife took her shower. They enjoyed a slow breakfast with all of the usual items. Then, it was time for a kiss before going to work. But, the wife noticed something.

“Fred, What are those strange marks on your neck?”

Tweets:
(1) The company’s motto was: “We are part vampire; We provide 24 hour service”
(2) 2 seemingly normal men in their 30’s were at the door. It was raining, so maybe they needed trenchcoats, right?
(3) Wife: “The next thing you will ask for is a blood sample.”
Vampire Notary: “Funny you should mention that.”
(4) Vampire Notary: “I like your ID picture. You have nice rosy cheeks, you must have good circulation, do you work out?”
(5) After the signing w/Vampire Notary, the 4 of them enjoyed a sip of Sangria (the Italian word for BLOOD)
(6) The day after the signing w/the Vampire Notaries the wife asked: “Fred, what are those strange marks on your neck?”
You might also like:

Top 12 things to do when you are on hold
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=3946

Notarization for an exorcism
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=20948

The 24 hour icon and what means
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19455

Notary with Tourettes Symdrome
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18999

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January 24, 2022

Notary Happy Days Goes to China!

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , , — admin @ 10:29 pm

This was originally published many years ago.

Intro Joke:
A New Yorker was in the middle of downtown Shanghai with his wife and
kid. They walk into a restaurant where everybody in sight is Chinese
and nobody speaks a word of English.

The wife asks, “Where’s the bathroom?”
His kid asks, “Do you have egg rolls?”
And the guy asks, “Is the food authentic?”

I grew up watching Happy Days. I loved Richie, Potsie, Chachi, and
the gang. But, a Notary recently had to fly to Shanghai to do a
notarization for the Chinese version of Happy Days called “Yu-Kuai
Tian” which loosely translated means cheerful or happy day(s).

A Notary was called in to do a notarization for the staff of Yu-Kuai
Tian. He thought the notarization would be for a screenplay or a
writer’s contract. Boy, was he wrong.

NOTARY: Hi, I’m here for the notarization.

MANAGER: Solly no Yingrish! You wait!

ASSISTANT: Oh yes, we have been expecting you.

NOTARY: So, who am I signing for? One of the managers or the writers?

ASSISTANT: Oh, they didn’t tell you? You’re signing for the Chinese
Henry Winkler — “The Fong.” He’s late today because he was out last
night with one of his lady friends. One of his classier girlfiends who
doesn’t slurp when she eats her shark fin delight of three soup.

NOTARY: Sounds like an Ayy! One gal.

ASSISTANT: He’s out in back finishing repairing the transmission in a
rickshaw. He won’t be ready for you until 3pm. You can try one of our local restaurants.
They are quite good.

NOTARY: Yeah, that’s a good idea. I’ll try the one with the green
sign. I’ll just hope for the best.

ASSISTANT: But, before you go, please meet Mr. Yu and his guys. We
call them Yu’s guys!

NOTARY: Okay, how Yu’s guys doin’? This is how we talk in New York by the way.

(At the restaurant with the green sign. All of the staff are Chinese
and speak almost no English and all of the customers without exception
are Chinese as it is in downtown Shanghai.)

WAITER: Hello, I your waiter. My name Cha-Chee Wang.

NOTARY: You’re kidding. Cha-chee, like in Yu-Kuai Tian?

WAITER: Yes, I work there on my off day as wing man for The Fong. With my husband, Jo-Nee.
Jo-Nee love Cha-Chee.

NOTARY: I don’t care what I eat, but there is one thing that matters to me.

WAITER: You like dish called Potsie Sticker. It kind of dumpling.

NOTARY: Well, what I wanted to know is — is the food authentic?

WAITER: Yeah, food authentic all right. Half hour after you eat, you hungry to breathe
Oxygen. We in China after all. No Americanized food here. We don’t even know what that mean.
But, today long day. Potsie also work here. He having worst day in life. He so
out of it, it take him half hour to make “minute fried rice.”

NOTARY: Well maybe you should have Joannie come and help him.

WAITER: We try, but Joannie Chan busy. Anyway, one order of Potsie
Sticker coming up. By the way, last week was Chinese New Year – year
of the monkey, but sorry, we not serve monkey here. Try down street.
Delicacy — very expensive.

NOTARY: Thanks, but when I said authentic, maybe I had no idea what I
was getting myself into.

(30 minutes later)

NOTARY: Thanks for the great meal. Let me give you 40 ren-min-bi,
that should cover it. Back to the set.

THE FONG: Heyyyyyy!!!!! (with two sexy Chinese girls: one on each
side of him in cheerleader outfits.)

NOTARY: Wow, I get to meet the Chinese Fonzie in the flesh.

THE FONG: No, don’t touch the leather. Just got it restored at Wing’s
leather repair down street. And don’t touch the hair either.

NOTARY: Okay, I promise not to.

GIRLS: We promise not to either! hee-hee-hee…

THE FONG: Eyyyy!!!!! (puts two thumbs up.)

NOTARY: Good thing we’re not doing thumbprints.

THE FONG: If we did, you not need ink, plenty of grease already on
thumbs from mechanic work not to mention coconut oil on hair for good
look.

NOTARY: Okay, I’ll need to see some ID.

THE FONG: Okay, legal name Fong Xiao-Leng, similar to Bruce Lee’s
Chinese name. But, people call me The Fong!

NOTARY: In real life I am not allowed to notarize outside of the State
of New Jersey where I am legally commissioned as a Notary Public, but
since this is a fictional comedy blog, I will take some liberties and
illegally use my stamp here in Shanghai.

THE FONG: Okay, so where do The Fong sign?

NOTARY: Right here

(The Fong signs in the wrong place and Notary scolds him)

NOTARY: No not there. You signed in the wrong place!

THE FONG: Wait second. You say The Fong… w-w-w-w-wong? The Fong NEVER wong!!!

NOTARY: Yeah, you were supposed to sign right here, and you signed
down there where the signature of the Notary is supposed to be.

THE FONG: Nobody say The Fong w-w-w-w-w-rong…. Not even The Fong’s mother.

NOTARY: Just admit it… You were wrong.

THE FONG: I can’t say it. I was w-w-w-w-w-w-… I just can’t.

NOTARY: Try one more time. Never mind. We’ll sign this fresh duplicate
I brought. Be more careful this time.

THE FONG: Okay. (scribbles The Fong on document)

NOTARY: No, that’s wrong. Your legal name is Fong Xiao-Leng, not The
Fong. The Fong is your nickname. You can’t legally be notarized using
that name.

THE FONG: Hey, this is blog entry. I do what I want. But, you say I
w-w-w-w-wrong again? We take this outside! NOBODY say The Fong wrong.

(The Fong grabs the Notary and takes him outside behind the garage)

THE FONG: You want on chin? Hurt more — show less. Or on gut? Hurt
more, nobody see.

NOTARY: What are you talking about?

THE FONG: You say The Fong wrong. Nobody say The Fong wrong and live
to tell about it. I punch you hard. You choose place.

NOTARY: Go for the gut. My dumplings weren’t that good anyway. I
think I prefer Americanized Chinese food come to think of it. But, I
have one condition. You can only punch me if you admit that you were
wrong.

THE FONG: Deal… (punch)

NOTARY: Oh my God… What are you, a Shao-Lin monk? That really hurt.
Ouch. I’ll spend the rest of the day bent over. Now it’s your turn.
You have to keep your end of the bargain and admit that you were
wrong. Fair is fair.

THE FONG: Okay. I keep bargain. I was w-w-w-w-w-w-w….

NOTARY: Yes, this is a Deed for the sale of one of the rick-shaws you repaired.

THE FONG: Do you notarize auto-sale paperwork?

NOTARY: I notarize any documents about anything that starts with a key
and goes vroom vroom!

THE FONG: Eyyyy!!!! That sound like something The Fong would say.
Anyway… I was w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w.

NOTARY: You can do it. Good thing I ate lightly.

THE FONG: I was wr-r-r-r-r… It so hard. I was w-w-w-w…. WONG! I was wong!

GIRLS: I can’t believe he said it. The Fong was wrong!

NOTARY: Okay, now sign this 3rd copy I made as Fong Xiao-Leng and
we’ll be all done and I’ll take the next flight back to America.

.

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You know you’re a Notary when…
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16038

The Lonely Italian — parody in a notary context
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15842

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January 23, 2022

The Notary, The Mafia & The Fedex Drop Box

This was originally published many years ago.

An uneventful signing
It was a gray Monday afternoon in the first week of November. Kary went to her signing with the Thompsons. They signed the documents without too much reading or complaining. Kary had one other signing after that. When all was done, she made her way to the Fedex drop box. She had a habit of always going to that same drop box. It was near her home, and it felt like a safe place to go at night, being a single woman.

Luckily for her she was nowhere near the San Diego mayor’s office.

The Sopranos were en route to the same location she was
This poor woman’s luck — she ran into someone who was still mourning the loss of the great James Gandolfini AKA Tony Soprano. He was such a fan of the show that he decided to pull a mafioso type move on this poor unexpecting woman. This thug Tony Baritone had been in the drug trade for years, but wanted to step it up a notch. His old M.O. was meeting for the swap in a dark alley, giving them the briefcase, taking the package — you know the drill. But, he wanted to do it more like they do in the movies this time. This was his first attempt at simulating the panache of his television alter-ego.

Just about to drop the FedEx and…
So, this woman was just about to drop her package in the box. Her finger was on the handle of the box. She noticed a large garbage backing up about 50 feet away. She disregarded the truck whose distinctive oder was wafting her way. She put the Fedex in the Fedex drop box, and then proceded back to her car. The garbage truck nearly ran her car off the road as she left her parking space. It was so abrupt, she stopped the car to get out and see what this maniac’s problem was.

The garbage truck backed up
The truck had backed up almost into the Fedex box, and had jaws that clamped the Fedex drop box and tore it from its bearings and lifted it into the truck. The woman started screaming, “What are you doing? Are you crazy?”

Blonde #2 appears
Then another blonde lady appeared out of nowhere who looked almost exactly like the notary. She was the same age, same hair color, and same height, and also had a Fedex package that she wanted to drop. The other lady looked very puzzled. She said to herself, “Wait a second, my instructions were to put the Fedex in the drop box and leave — but, that truck just took the Fedex drop box away!” Blonde #2 (also an unnatural blonde) was unbeknowingly carrying $10,000,000 in drug money that she was to deposit in the Fedex box — which was to be removed by the garbage truck. But, their plan got foiled.

We have to get rid of the witness
The driver said to his friend, “We have two problems — the money is not in the Fedex Box, AND, there’s a witness. We need to get rid of the witness, but I can’t tell them apart.”
His friend said,“You have to look for the roots, real blondes have roots — our blond is a real blonde!”
Driver: “No she ain’t, I’ve seen the broad before, she has a different hairstyle every several months”
Friend: “So, you can tell the two chicks apart!”
Driver: “Not from this distance without my glasses. Let’s get my money first. The broad with the package has the money.”

The mafia chases the blonde
So, the driver and his friend jump out of the truck (which is parked in the middle of the boulevard) and run towards the blonde with the Fedex. The irony is that she doesn’t know that they are the intended recipients of the package because her instructions were only to “Put the Fedex in the drop box”. So, she runs away from these scary people — who are actually her boyfriend’s best friends, and the ones who gave the $10,000 to her boyfriend to pay her to do the drop. Meanwhile the notary lady decides to chase after these scumbags to get them to give her package back.

She loses them and then finds them
In the heat of the chase, she loses them, and then finds them again. The other blonde escapes from these thugs, finds the drop box in the back of the garbage truck, puts it in, and runs away. Meanwhile, notary lady catches up to the thugs, and throws her embosser at them — leaving a raised seal of disapproval (in the form of a bruise) on the now unconscious mafia garbage truck driver’s left temple. The irony of the story is that the character with the concealed weapon is not one the mafia characters, but is the notary who was carrying a stainless steel embosser.

The Notary recovers the loan docs
After that, the driver’s friend ran away and the notary proceeded to the unattended garbage truck to pick up her package. She picked up the highest package in the box in such a hurry, she didn’t realize that she had picked up $10,000,000 in dirty drug money. She gets in her car and drives off with her “loan docs” finally in her possession again. She calls the signing company and lets them know about the problem. Then, she proceeds to her nearest staffed Fedex station — where there won’t be any garbage trucks (let’s hope). She pats the package in glee to have gotten it back after a small altercation. But, she notices a distinct bulge in the package that didn’t feel like loan documents.

But, what she had was not really the loan docs after all
The five seconds after she realized that her loan documents were not in her possession, she saw a large garbage truck driving down the street.

Mental note to self: “Take out the garbage”

Tweets:
(1) A notary bumps into Toni Baratone at a FedEx drop box
(2) The garbage truck tore the FedEx drop box from its bearings and took it away!
(3) “We need to get rid of the witness, but I can’t tell the 2 blondes apart”
(4) The Notary takes $10 million in drug money to the Title company by accident.

You might also like:

The Flo-tary and the name your price tool
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16194

Notary aptitude test
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15853

Don’t put the FedEx in the drop box
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=2831

More on Snapdocs, the Uber of the Notary industry
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16236

My interpretation of how the Notary industry went South
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16500

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January 18, 2022

Low-Ball Signing Co’s? How to get biz directly from Title

Originally published many years ago

Do you get business from low-ball signing companies? Are you sick of it? Aren’t we all.
Notaries do a lot of reactive posts about bad offers, but look at it from a different point of view. Let’s be proactive instead of reactive here.

First of all, it doesn’t matter how many bad offers you get as long as you get a few good offers.

Second of all, if you have little experience or training as a signing agent, you are not entitled to anything better than a low-ball offer.

Third, consider this. Some notaries are saying that low-ball signing companies need notaries more than notaries need them. I think that if this were true, that no notary would work for them. Yet, notaries do work for them. However, if you have had it up to here with these bad offers, here is a not too sophisticated strategy that can get these guys to stop bothering you.

Take an offer from a low-ball signing company. Do a nice job with a smile. Do all the fax-backs, etc. Then, find out who the Title company is who offered this job to the signing company. Contact the Title company directly and offer them your services directly at a reasonable price.

Keep in mind that signing companies are in business for a reason. If they charge $150 and pay the notaries $60, why do Title companies use them in the first place? Signing companies can take huge quantities of work off the shoulders of Title companies with a 100% reliability rate. They not only supervise the work, but they guarantee that all of thework will get done correctly and on time, otherwise they get fired. But, what if you are a responsible notary who is a better quality notary than what those signign companies use and charge $85 to work direct with Title. Okay, that’s not enough. What about $95? Think about it. Make your offer attractive to Title and you can “steal” some Title companies away from these nitwits who keep texting you! Teach them a lesson.

On the other hand, I do not recommend contacting Title companies directly unless you have signed at least 700 loans, are certified by at least three agencies, and have a very stellar track record. Title companies don’t play around with beginner’s luck — they want professionals!

.

You might also like:

If you contact Title companies directly, what do they want?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16110

A newbie at a Title company
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15774

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January 16, 2022

Quiz: You know you’re a good Notary when you…

What type of Notary are you? A good one or a bad one? I’m not sure who created the questions for, “You know you’re a redneck if you…”
So, I’ll create my own version of this satirical banter, and come up with my own version for Notaries that will have some technical merit.

You know you’re a bad Notary when you…

(1) Do you fail to call the borrower to confirm the appointment that signing company set, and just show up?
If you don’t call and make sure that all parties involved (watch out for spousal signatures) will be there and on time, with a current ID with matching names — you might be in for some wasted time. If you don’t get the documents signed, you might not get paid. You might waste two hours for nothing because you don’t think you “need” to call the borrowers, or because you were asked not to. It is your appointment and your responsibility!

(2) Do you send loose certificates in the mail?
Lenders and Title companies are notorious for asking notaries to break the law and send loose certiifcates. In some states it is a Misdemeanor if you ask a Notary to do something illegal. Report all illegal requests to your State Notary Division immediately. No second chances!

(3) Do you fail to get certified by all agencies that you purchase “effective” advertising from? Or do you say, I don’t “need” your certification because I’m already “certified” without even disclosing the name of the organization who certified you? There is no such thing as just being “certified” as notary certification is not regulated by any government.

(4) Do you say, “I have my Notary” when you really mean you have your Notary Commission?

(5) Do you fail to use a Notary Journal or Seal simply because your state doesn’t require it? What happens if an investigator asks about a potentially fraudulent transaction you were involved in and you have no evidence for the court? The court case might be really long and you might get in really big trouble.

(6) Do you fail to keep thumbprints of signers in your journal because your state doesn’t require it?
Guess what? You might end up in court if you don’t take thumbprints, especially on transactions affecting high dollar figures such as properties.

(7) Do you fail to administer Oaths to credible witnesses or for Jurats because you are not well enough trained to know how, or even to know that you are required? Or, perhaps you don’t even know what a credible witness even is. Better look this up in your state Notary handbook.

You know you’re a good Notary when…

(1) The hair on your neck stand up straight when you see someone try to sign with a middle initial that doesn’t exist on their identification.

(2) You use an inked seal and an embosser with a raised non-inked seal to make it detectable if pages are swapped or photocopied.

(3) You take copious notes in your journal about the signers, what went on in the signing, and the building / neighborhood where the signing took place to job your memory should you ever be summoned into court.

(4) You sell your car, and buy a few top spots on 123notary.com!

There are many other technical points and best practices that we could address, but for this hopefully entertaining blog entry — that’s all folks!

.

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http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16038

Honey, you can kiss my app!
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14902

Notary aptitude test
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15853

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