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August 26, 2016

Startup Apps that could ruin the Notary business

If you think that technology is changing faster than you can deal with. You are right. But, the worst part is that new technology is putting a lot of Notaries out of business. Snapdocs makes it easy for companies to find low cost competition. 123notary is getting more clicks than it did when Snapdocs came around, but Notaries are complaining about the low cost competition. So, here are some new startups to watch out for.

Notaryz
This company makes it possible to get notarized via web-cam (not legal in many states) or get a Notary to come to you for $30 plus parking. Notaryz doesn’t encourage tipping, but they don’t forbid it either. If you want a Notary who specializes in loan signing, Notaryz will tell you how those Notaries performed on the standardized test they have. Notaryz will also connect you with 3rd rate Attorneys who can’t get a real job who will give you discounted help drafting Powers of Attorney, permission to travel or other documents without you having to leave your desk. Notaryz is doing some brisk business, however is dealing with some tough competition from “PersynallyAppear” — an app that finds you a Notary who will personally appear before you without any digital signatures or web cams.

Roomyz
Are you upset with your roommate and want to pull a prank on them? Well, this new app called Roomyz is for you. They will play a joke on your roommate, send flowers from a nonexistent admirer, or throw water on them while they are leaving the house. Just download a photo of your roommate, use the dropdown menu to select the prank of your choice, or use the text box to indicate a customized prank, and let Roomyz do the rest. You can select from pranksters with reviews and pay them using our “pay once completed” app. Roomyz will take 15% of the proceeds, the rest if for the agent.

PayMyNotary
This app might be a little more popular with Notaries. If Notary can submit proof that a job was assigned to them and the journal entries to prove that the job was done (or somewhat done) then PayMyNotary will go after the signing company who hired you. They will fax, text, call, send threatening demand letters, contact Title, and even go to the Better Business Bureau. PayMyNotary will even contact collection agencies using the new app “Kullect” to get companies to pay.

Kullect
Kullect will let a Notary choose from hundreds of collection agencies to find the best price and best terms to get signing companies to pay them. Just download the information about the Notary jobs done for a particular company, journal entries, and then Kullect will do the rest (unless the server is down in which case you’re on your own.)

NotaryStandUp
This app sends daily jokes to Notaries that they can tell their borrowers. Every day, you get fresh new jokes, so there is no danger of telling the same joke twice. You might get fired by a few signing companies using NotaryStandUp, but you will laugh all the way through the process and your customers will swear that you are a “Stand Up Guy.”

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Apps that Notaries have never heard of that could change your life
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New Apps for the iPhone7 that you’ve never dreamed of
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=10977

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August 25, 2016

A Notary Starbucks – espresso Notarizations.

Most people’s favorite hang out spot is Starbucks. I actually love cafes, but there are spots I love evern more than Starbucks. The Starbucks around here tend to be a little generic and not as personal as the privately owned cafes. But, what if there were a Notary Starbucks?

It would have to have Notary drinks and snacks.
Jurat-achino would be a popular drink
Large embossed oreo cookies would be the snack of choice.
Sugar cookies in the form of Notary Seals would be another hit.

But, what if you could get espresso Notarizations?
I think that Starbucks could become a Notary hangout if they would have tables made for signings. Drinks would go on holsters on the sides of the table to avoid spilling. Tables would be large enough to accomodate a Notary and three signers, plus a place for signed docks, fedex envelopes, and unsigned documents. The sides of the tables would have to have folders or stacking trays to store the Fedex envelopes.

Or perhaps having longer thinner tables makes sense. Husbands and wives could sit next to each other across from the Notary who could slide left to notarize Deeds in the “done” pile. Just remember to turn the “done” documents around. Otherwise the Notary would sit to the couple’s right and notarize the done pile there. Hmm. Where to sit. And should you notarize before the couple has finished signing?

What about an espresso Notarization? What would that entail.
If the Notary is already waiting at a large table with his journal out. You could press a button, an espresso could come while you are signing documents. Just show your ID, sign the journal, and have the Notary fill out the certificate wording and stamp. Then, sip your espresso while making small talk. A small drink for a small talk — that’s perfect! Even better, you would get a small price since no travel fee was involved.

What if each Notary had their own signature beans. Each time you get a Notarization at Starbucks, you would have a different flavor coffee as the coffee would be unique to each Notary. Oprah has her own blend, why not you? (I bet that if Michael Jackson had his own blend it would be a dark roast that turns itself into a light roast — I’m not sure how that works though.)

Next, Starbucks could give the Notaries customized Notarial coffee mugs with Notary seals and the Starbucks emblem. How is that for double branding — the way of the future? They could even have pictures on the wall of Guatemalan Notaries notarizing at places where beautiful baskets of coffee beans were on display.

Personally, I’m ready for an Antigua style Notarization and a Java style Jurat.
What about you?

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The Starbucks Notary wises up!
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4207

The Starbucks Signing
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14291

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August 24, 2016

Trump — Making American Notaries Great Again

Trump – Making American Notaries Great Again

We’ve heard a lot about Trump wanting to make America great again. But can he make your notary practice great again if it isn’t already? Or have you hit the wall? Or does he have to build the wall and then make Mexico pay for it? He says America doesn’t win anymore. Are you winning? Thanks to NAFTA, Mexican notaries are allowed to enter the United States and perform work as notaries. But because they charge so little, the only way Americans could survive was to build a wall made of used notary seals.

THE DONALD: The notaries love me. And by the way, the notaries love me. I repeat myself a lot. And by the way, I repeat myself a lot.

NOTARY: I’m undecided about who to vote for. Why should I vote for you?

THE DONALD: Our leaders don’t know what they’re doing. I will make American notaries great again. I’m gonna bring notary jobs back to America. I will be the greatest notary jobs president God ever created.

NOTARY: Would you swear to that under oath?

THE DONALD: I will swear to Justice Roberts on a bible on January 20th. Until then, I’ll swear at my campaign rallies.

NOTARY: Well, you have been married three times. You know a lot about witnessing signatures on divorce papers.

THE DONALD: More than Hillary! She’s a disaster. She could have at least left Bill during MonicaGate, but no. She stuck by his side. Pathetic.

NOTARY: Why shouldn’t I vote for Ted Cruz?

THE DONALD: Lyin’ Ted? He wants to shred Iran’s nuclear deal on day one. Shredding signed documents takes away notary jobs. He’d be a disaster as president.

NOTARY: Wouldn’t you need to hire more notaries to witness the signatures on the deal that replaced it?

THE DONALD: Absolutely. And I’m fine with that.

NOTARY: Hold on. A minute ago you said you were against it.

THE DONALD: I’ve evolved. Which is more than I can say for Cro-Magnon Man Cruze. Have you seen his wife? Compared to mine, she looks like a Gargoyle.

NOTARY: Well, I’m still not convinced you’re good for notaries. What about Bernie?

THE DONALD: The Communist? The only time I “feel the bern” is when I pee. Elect him and all the notaries will be getting free health care.

NOTARY: What’s wrong with that?

THE DONALD: Living longer means fewer wills to witness. When I’m elected president, believe me, half the country will jump off buildings. And if they’re lucky, one of mine. You’ll be witnessing will signings till the cows come home. Speaking of which, did you see Lyin’ Ted’s wife?

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The 2016 Notary Public Debate
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16006

A Notary runs for president
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15263

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August 23, 2016

A lesson from the barnyard

Filed under: Ken Edelstein — Tags: — admin @ 11:10 am

A Lesson from the Barnyard

It was a mild spring morning and the little pony decided to visit other areas of the barnyard. All winter the pony was in the corral listening to horse talk. It was time to make some new friends. The first stop was to the pig pen, and that resulted in the first shock of the day. The little pony had been raised responsibly, and knew some language was bad talk. At the pig pen the pony heard one pig call another a porker, others kept referring to their peers as hams. The pony knew these were offensive to pigs and was confused that such language was thrown about in the pen.

A bit shaken from the pig pen jargon, the pony wandered over to the grazing area for the cattle. Once again the pony was to overhear offensive jargon. One of the big bulls called another walking prime rib, even worse that same bull called a cow burger meat. Even the cows were part of the coarse language. One said the other looked like Elsie on milk cartons. One group by the water trough would not let others drink; they kept referring to them as bovine slime.

The wise little pony knew such behavior was improper. Thinking this might be a mammal problem, the pony decided to see if the fowl behaved in a more civil manner. It was just as bad there. One chicken with a smirk referred to another as a poor layer, deriding the quality and quantity of eggs produced. A rooster pecked at an older rooster while crowing that the older bird’s morning crow sounded human. Even the turkeys, true to their species acted foul. Even Perdue would not take you, and you’re not fit for Thanksgiving – were common slurs.

Much confused by the abundance of insulting remarks, the little pony returned to the stable to speak to Mama and Papa horse. The mare and the stallion were very wise. They explained to the little pony that species specific and horrific language was common within a group of the same species. That explanation did not make much sense to the little pony. The wise for its years pony said that it was still wrong. And the parents had to agree. They all discussed how reserved jargon of an insulting nature remains improper even when limited to a group of the same species. It was often overheard by other species and became part of their vocabulary.

Then, the same terminology was used by other species to refer to members of species different from the one talking. That resulted in hostility and bad feelings. The listener felt abused. It was OK within species but not outside of that grouping. Clearly a double standard bound to lead to conflict and bad feelings, as had often been the case. A meeting was held on the farm to resolve the problem and eliminate the potential for hurt feelings and possible violence.

The horses led the discussion. Terms such as glue factory and nag would be forbidden to all. The same logic would apply to all the animals. They would refer to each other, both within the same species and externally with respect. The double standard that some phrases were acceptable within species, but not outside; was abolished. Simply agreeing to not use derogatory speech was the solution, and soon all lived happier lives. One of the sheep suggested that humans might follow this simple policy and this blog entry was sent by them for you to reconsider your ways.

You might also like:

20 stories about animals at signings
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=3074

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August 22, 2016

The state of Notary advertising in 2016

I write an article like this every year or two, just to keep people informed about changes in the market.

Physical and Online Yellow Pages
Few Notaries do well with these, but you are welcome to experiment. Just don’t invest too much. See how well you can do with a limited budget.

Snapdocs
Snapdocs might not be too popular with the Notaries, but many Notaries get work from them and many other Notaries lose work from competition from this outfit. Snapdocs offers cattle calls to Notaries via text. Notaries polled on Linked In ALL claimed that they preferred a phone call, primarily because they could negotiate more easily. However, you can negotiate prices by text or email as well — and experienced Notaries are using snapdocs and doing exactly this. Keep in mind that it is not easy to find an available Notary with experience at the last minute, so you can command a decent price much of the time. So fear not!

Online Directories
In addition to contacting signing companies and Title companies by phone one by one, we also recomment “inbound” advertising where customers come to you when they need you vs. vice versa. Advertising on prominent mediums is powerful. But, it won’t do you any good unless you have a well filled out profile. Most Notaries do a horrible job writing their notes section. They put a bunch of unrelated information all jumbled up into one long paragraph. That is hard and unpleasant to read. Keep your notes informative, factual and organized into multiple paragraphs.

123notary
123notary is the most effective way to advertise your Notary services online. Notaries that get ahead on our site have high placed listings (ask for a quote) and multiple current reviews, a well written notes section, and 123notary certification which is not hard to earn if you are willing to study a little and take an online test. Despite tough competition from Snapdocs and Notary Rotary, 123notary’s traffic continues to grow little by little every year partially due to the superior maintenance of information by Jeremy, great customer service and mentoring from Carmen, and the strong effort in blogging and Facebook from the 123notary team.

Notary Rotary
Notary Rotary continues to be #2 in the Notary advertising world. I noticed that they lost a lot of steam in the fourth quarter of 2015. They seem to have slowed down a bit, but are still a serious contender. Notary Rotary is popular due to the quantity of Notaries on board and also to the search by proximity which 123notary doesn’t currently have although we have a search by zip radius of fixed mile radiuses which is the next best thing.

Notary Cafe
Notary Cafe continues to be popular with Notaries although I’m hearing less about it these days with SnapDocs picking up the slack in the market. Notary Cafe has few paying Notaries, but makes up for quantity with serious Notaries!

SigningAgent.com
NNA’s Signing Agent.com used to be much stronger. They have fewer new members and fewer good ones as well. They dropped their password protected search and are now open to the public. I previously thought that being open to the public would ruin 123notary’s stats, but we have not had any change in search volume since they opened their doors. Signingagent.com has gone down hill, but are still a contender in the #4 spot of Notary directories. At this point, SnapDocs seems to be more popular than Signingagent.com, however, SnapDocs is not purely a directory as they are an app and a complicated technological resource with many functions.

Other Advertising Methods
There are other ways to advertise besides contacting signing companies and directories. Many pass our cards, network, have websites, and more. The people who get ahead, typically use solid techniques for promotion and have been in business for years. So, pay your dues, get experience and advertise with the big guys. But, most of all, follow our advice on how to advertise. When in doubt, email us and ask!

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How much should you spend on advertising
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16679

Snapdocs, the Uber of the Notary industry
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=snapdocs

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August 21, 2016

How much does a Notary cost in 2016?

How much do Notaries charge?
How much can a Notary charge?
How much is a Notary?

Notary fees are regulated by the laws of the various fifty states. So, each state has a different rate that a Notary can charge. In addition to charging officially designated maximum Notary fees, many Notaries on our directory travel to their clients and charge travel fees in addition to waiting fees if you keep them waiting too long. It is common for Notaries to have a fixed price for loan signing packages that range from $75 to $150 per signing which is a price that might include printing eDocuments. But, let’s try to give you a better idea of what particular states offer as Notary fees.

How much can an Arizona Notary charge?
An AZ Notary may charge $2 per Acknowledgment (for the first signer) and $2 per Jurat

How much can a California Notary charge?
A California Notary Public may charge $10 per Acknolwedged signature or per Jurat. There are other types of fees, but those are the most common.

How much can a Florida Notary charge?
A Florida Notary Public may charge $10 per Acknowledgment, however the price is fixed no matter how many signatures are on the notarized document. Jurats would also be $10.

How much can an Illinois Notary charge?
An Illinois Notary may charge a whopping $1 per Acknowledged signature or for a Jurat.

How much can a Maryland Notary charge?
A Maryland Notary may charge $2 per Acknowledgment or Jurat

How much can a Michigan Notary charge?
A Michigan Notary may charge up to $10 per Jurat or Acknowledged signature.

How much can a New Jersey Notary charge?
A New Jersey Notary can charge $2.50 per Acknowledgment, Jurat, or Oath

How much can a New York Notary charge?
A New York Notary may only charge $2 per Acknowledged signature or Jurat or for each sworn witness.

How much can a North Carolina Notary charge?
A North Carolina Notary may charge $5 per principal signature on an Acknowledgment or Jurat.

How much can a Pennsylvania Notary Public charge?
A Pennsylvania Notary may charge $5 for the first Acknowledged signature and $2 for each subsequent signature. Jurats are $5 per piece.

How much can a Texas Notary charge?
A Texas Notary Public may charge $6 for the first Acknowledged signature and $1 for each additional plus $6 for administering an Oath.

How much can a Virginia Notary Public charge?
A Virginia Notary may charge $5 for each Acknowledged signature or Jurat.

HELP, my state was not on the list…
No problem, just click on the FIND A NOTARY link and look up your state. We have pricing for all states documented in our website.

NOTE: Prices are subject to change. If our pricing has become outdated for any particular state, do not comment on this blog, rather, email us at info@123notary.com and politely inform us of the price change.

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August 20, 2016

10 ways to “deal” with SnapDocs

A guide to high survival in a low-ball world.

These days, so many Notaries are complaining more and more about SnapDocs. In fact, the drama is so intense, that posts about SnapDocs are the most popular articles on our blog these days. SnapDocs is not bad, they just have a system which you haven’t mastered yet, Grasshopper! SnapDocs caters to companies who care about price, but don’t care about experience. Those who want top-notch seasoned Notaries come to 123notary as we focus on having the highest caliber of Notaries at the top of the list. So, read this and you’ll learn the secrets of high survival in a low-ball world.

(1) CALCULATE TIME
Calculate how many minutes you’ll need to fulfill the request.
Some Notaries complain if the fee is too low without looking at the time involved. $40 is not bad if the job is within ten minutes and there are no fax backs and very few pages. For a ten page signing ten minutes away, you might be there and back again in less than an hour. How many people do you know who complain about making $40 per hour? Read the text and see where the address is and how many pages are involved.

Regardless of the specifications, calculate how much time you need to:
Print, Drive, Call, Sign, Fax, and Fedex.

(2) BACKGROUND CHECK
Background Check the reliability of the company making the assignment
Tired of screwball signing companies? Low-balling is not the worst thing. Not getting paid, or being held hostage for three hours waiting for edocuments while your other clients are waiting is. You can background check companies on www.123notary.com/s using your iphone. I just updated the “votes” on all of the signing companies on our list in May 2016.

(3) MAKE COUNTER OFFERS
If you get a job from SnapDocs that comes as a text, you’ll be alerted to the location, number of fax backs and other basics about the job. You can use that information to calculate the amount of time needed to fulfill the order. Based on the time involved, you can decide how much to charge. If you have a base rate for your time (make it more expensive during the last week of the month) then you’ll know exactly what to charge. You might discount your fees a little for SnapDocs clients as they clearly don’t want to pay much.

If you get an offer for $50 to do a Refinance for two signers with twenty pages of fax backs, you can make a counter offer of $85. Some Notaries bid $125 and never get called back. You have to price your bid within the market otherwise you might as well just not use SnapDocs at all.

If you bill your time at $30 per hour and a job will require 54 minutes, ask for $27. Or if you’ll need two hours, then ask for $60. This is a very reasonable way of quoting rates that is fair to you as well as the client.

(4) NEWBIES — GAIN EXPERIENCE!!!
If you are new in the Notary business, I advise not being too picky about what people pay, providing they pay within 45 days. You need to get at least 1500 loans under your belt to be taken seriously by the big guys such as prominent title companies. You should pass the 123notary & NNA certification test if you want to be taken seriously as well. If you want to get experience in a hurry, SnapDocs is one way to do it. You’ll get tons of jobs, and all you have to do is drive, fax, and sign. You might not get paid that much, but experience is worth its weight in gold, so consider that your payoff.

Our list of signing companies that hire new signers is another way for newbies to get started.
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=7059

(5) FILL IN YOUR EMPTY TIME
If your other customers book in advance, and your daily schedule has some holes, SnapDocs might be the perfect way to fill in those unused hours. Although you might not get paid that much, at least you will have something to do so you (and your printer) won’t get bored. If you make $200 a day average doing signings for your regulars and you can pick up another $60 from SnapDocs, that is not a bad daily average.

(6) WIN OVER NEW CLIENTS
What a new client will pay you is different from someone who knows and trusts you. Once you build up trust with a client over the course of a few jobs, or a few months, you might be able to charge more. If they have a written track record about your service and know that you won’t screw up, they might pay you $20 more than they would pay another guy even though they are low-balling. So, you can use SnapDocs to meet new clients, and then once you have them hooked, jack your rates up a bit — but, not too much of a bit as you are still dealing with low-ballers.

(7) THE FIRST 3 WEEKS OF THE MONTH
Business is normally sluggish during the 3rd to the 22nd. So, that might be a great time to augment your business by using SnapDocs! You might need to save time during the end of the month for your regulars, but when things are slow, you should be willing to work at a somewhat lower rate.

(8) LOOK FOR CLOSE JOBS
Working for cheap is not that bad if you can find close jobs. If you get twenty texts per day from SnapDocs, and one or two is really close, you can try to nab those close ones and make some fast money. The key is having something to do during the other seven hours of your work day. If you make $60 for a signing ten minutes away, you might be making $50 per hour when all is said, done, and faxed.

(9) GET PAID UP FRONT
Ken is on our forum all the time offering some old school common sense to our Notaries. The message is — you are not a bank, why do you offer credit to strangers with no collateral? You don’t know if or when those signing companies will pay you. So, why not get $85 up front via Paypal? If they really need you they will pay you!

(10) THE CARMEN METHOD — ABSTINENCE
Carmen thinks that Notaries just shouldn’t use SnapDocs as the fees offered are too low. You can use abstinance as a way of dealing with this situation. Seasoned signers will never get paid what they are worth on SnapDocs, your experience is just not valued enough. With all of the faxing back, they can double check a newbies work and get accurate work at half the price by micromanaging. So, if you are “all that,” then get Elite Certified by 123notary and stick with us as you’ll get paid more from leads from our site — and forget about the cattle callers!

A final note from Jeremy — “Why am I promoting my competitor?”

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You might also like:

May best signing company gossip
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15417

My interpretation of how the Notary industry went South
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16500

Signing Stream
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16658

List of New Signing Companies Feed
http://blog.123notary.com/?cat=419

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August 19, 2016

The Opposite: How George Costanza changed his Notary career

The Opposite (How George Costanza changed his life and notary career.)

Speaking of the opposite, Seinfeld’s George changed his life and career around in the much remembered and loved episode, “The Opposite,” by doing just that: The opposite. If you don’t want to be unemployed and living with your parents, you need to start really nailing your notary and signing agent knowledge, not to mention your communication and following direction skills. Do you follow me?

George Costanza, the notary, is doing everything wrong.

GEORGE: It’s not working, Jerry.

JERRY: What’s not working?

GEORGE: I’m trying to charge too much, and settling for too little! I’ve been advertising on one of those other notary sites that do nothing to move my business forward. I haven’t been studying enough for my certification test. I haven’t even cracked a book.

JERRY: I’d be more impressed if you read one. So here’s your chance to do the opposite. If you work harder, get more experience, you’ll be able to charge what you’re worth! And advertise on 123notary.com.

GEORGE: And the heck with my paid listing with Notary Rotary and a free listing with no certification on 123notary.com. I’m gonna do the opposite!

JERRY: If you aren’t certified, do the opposite. Go to elite certification!

GEORGE: Does being a certified lunatic count?

JERRY: Nope. The opposite.

GEORGE: I will do the opposite! I’ll know my terminology. I’ll have more buzzwords than a beekeeper. I’ll know my documents.

JERRY: Other than the pages that say “this space intentionally left blank”?

GEORGE: If it was really intentionally left blank, they wouldn’t fill it up with words that say “this space intentionally left blank.”

JERRY: Good point.

GEORGE: Look at me, Jerry. You’re telling me I made a good point! It’s already working! I’ll finally know what I’m doing and won’t just wing it!

JERRY: Good! Not knowing what you’re doing and just winging it never got anybody anywhere. Unless you’re Donald Trump or work for Wingstop.

George should go from not reading any notary materials to reading all of them. Even change the people he’s dating. From dating no-notaries (who, after he broke up with them, swore but never under oath) to dating notaries! As for the former, they were office shredders. The opposite of those who keep records! At least he’s dating the opposite sex. So he’s on the right track, unless you prefer the opposite of the opposite, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Instead of certifying a copy of a vital record, George does the opposite and obtains it from the agency that holds the original vital record. Instead of not getting paid for travel time, George does the opposite… and doesn’t get paid for sitting on his ass. Meaning if you want to get paid, don’t sit on yours! Are you not done reading this? Do the opposite!

You might also like:

Seinfeld: George’s parents get a vow renewal
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15132

Seinfeld: George needs a Notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14947

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August 18, 2016

Notarization at a liquor store

It was a cold, dark evening and the Notary was called in to do a signing at the Notary liquor store

MANAGER: So what’ll it be pal?

NOTARY: Oh no, I was called here to do a notarization.

MANAGER: Oh, you’ll need to talk to Tony. Hey Tony!!!

TONY: Oh, you must be the Notary. Yes, I need you to notarize this paper for me. I’ll be right back.

NOTARY: Boy, I’m so sleepy. (snooze…)

The Notary Public fell asleep in a chair after staring at all the bottles in the store and had a wild dream. There were a few bottles in front of him that came to life and started having a conversation with him.

JACK: I need a Notary. My name is Jack Daniels. Can you notarize me?

NOTARY: Sure, if you let me have a ride on your bike.

JACK: Sorry pal, we have rules here. You have to wear a black t-shirt and a leather vest to ride with the gang.

NOTARY: Okay, no notarization for you.

STELLA: Hi, I’m Stella from Belgium and this is my boyfriend Boris — Boris Stolichnaya. I know what you’re thinking, but he’s straight, although he’s not really that neat. Our relationship is on the rocks right now and he’s a bit shaken up which is good because he hasn’t stirred — or been stirred in a while.

JIM: Hey buddy, I need a Notary.

NOTARY: Can I see some ID?

JIM: Right here.. It says Jim Beam. And yes, I’m over 21.

NOTARY: Beam me up Scotty. Okay, I’ll get my Acknowledgment forms. Where is the document?

JIM: It’s not a document, it’s a case of bottles we’re loading into the truck.

CAPTAIN: Arrr laddie. Me needs a notarization, and fast. Me ship is stranded out at sea, and before someone else claims it, the local government will help me if I can only get this signed.

NOTARY: I’d shake on it, but your hook may cause us to be blood brothers against my will.
Let’s take a look at your ID. Jack Morgan.

CAPTAIN: That’s CAPTAIN Jack — CAPTAIN Jack Morgan — arrrrrr!

NOTARY: I can only notarize you if you are sober, have a low BAC, and are in a good state of mind.

CAPTAIN: I’m in as good a state of mind as I’ll ever be. Maye I wouldn’t have crashed into the rocks if I had been sober though. But, I’m only sober for a few hours on the lords day atoning for me multitudes of sins such as rape, pilage, plunder, embezzlement, fraud, murder, maiming, torture, kidnapping, forgery, racketeering, and operating a sailed vehicle under the influence lad.

NOTARY: Wow, that’s quite a list. Terrible sins aside, thanks for making me feel young by calling me “lad.” You must spend a lot of time atoning. Anyway, I can only notarize you as Jack Morgan, not ….

CAPTAIN: That’s CAPTAIN, CAPTAIN Jack Morgan to you lad. And by the way, I neet a sail document notarized. I’m having a sale of a sail that’s too slow and moves at the speed of a snail, lad…”

HARPER LEE: This line is moving at the speed of a snail. Tequila, please.

NOTARY: Tequila Mockingbird?

HARPER LEE: Like me to sign a copy of the book?

NOTARY: I do all the signing around here, ma’am.

DEAN MARTIN: Hey, what should I take for a hangover?

NOTARY: If you’re driving, don’t take the wheel!

DEAN MARTIN: Look pal, I’m not drunk. I’m just planning ahead.

NOTARY: Do you affirm under penalty of perjury that you’re not drunk?

DEAN MARTIN: “I do.” We didn’t just marry each other then, did we?

NOTARY: There are only three states that allow notaries to perform weddings. Florida, Maine or South Carolina.

DEAN MARTIN: Good. Since you’re seeing me and other dead people, you’re only in a state of delirium.

The Notary wakes up and is handed a document.

TONY: Wakee wakee. Did you enjoy your snooze?

NOTARY: I had this amazing dream about pirate ships, and the author of To Kill a Mockingbird, and Dean Martin, and talking bottles. So, what is the document about?

TONY: You’ll never guess. I need you to notarize an Affidavit regarding 20 cases of Captain Morgan.

NOTARY: That’s CAPTAIN — CAPTAIN Jack Morgan to you lad.

TONY: Well shiver me timbers. Here’s my ID lad.

NOTARY: Tony Daniels. No relation to Jack, right? Anyway. Sign my journal & the document please… Swear under Oath.. (stamp) Your notarization is complete.

TONY: Thanks — (Tony sticks out his hand to shake the Notary’s hand, but there is only a hook where his hand should be.)

NOTARY: Time to give the guy who wrote this the hook.

.

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August 17, 2016

The mafia guy who could make witnesses disappear

It was late at night in front of the local bank. Two guys were doing a heist. But, there was a problem. There were two witnesses. Luckily, their Mafia friend Gioseppe happened to be at the scene. His specialty? He’s good at making witnesses disappear. But, how?

There was a Notary in the neighboring building who was doing a loan signing and a Will signing. The Notary advertise that he could provide witnesses. But, the signers didn’t give the Notary advanced notice. So, what was he to do? The Mafia guy (who had eyes everywhere) happened to see the Notary (Fred) and asked him if he could make some witnesses “disappear.” So, the Notary walked over and offered them some dough to witness the Will signing providing they “didn’t see nothing.”

The witnesses were confused. Isn’t the whole point of witnessing to see someone sign? The Notary said, well, yeah, but you didn’t see nothing else — capiche?

So, the bank robbers did their work, the witnesses appear where they were needed and disappeared where they were not, and all was well… until… the silent alarm went off. The robbers got caught a block down the street by some fast cops with GPS systems from hell. The witnesses didn’t see the crime, but did witness the conglomeration of twelve police cars. As the witnesses were walking down the street the police questioned them.

POLICE: Did you see anything?

WITNESSES: Only some crazy Notary guy who offered us $15 bucks to watch some sap sign his Will.

POLICE: Where were you before the Notary picked you up?

WITNESSES: Right next to the bank witnessing the bank before it got robbed.

POLICE: Did you notice anything unusual about the bank then?

WITNESSES: We noticed that it was not being robbed. Then, once our backs were turned, everything changed.

NOTARY: Walking by. Hey guys, please give my card to the criminals just in case they need a Notary who travels to jails. I also can act as a witness.

POLICE: Did you witness anything tonight?

NOTARY: Hey buddy, I charge 10 bucks to act as a witness – in advance. You’re seven minutes too late. Maybe next time. But, you gotta pay me a few minutes BEFORE the robbery, that way I can witness it — capiche?

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