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March 28, 2015

Signing Companies that went down hill in their reviews

Filed under: Signing Company Gossip — admin @ 12:37 am

These companies used to have reasonable reviews. In the last year, their reviews took a plunge with many more negative reviews being added to their profile.

North American Signature Service
http://www.123notary.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=5185
A post dated check and a package of 175 pages. The notary asked for a fee adjustment and as told, “I’ll see what I can do.”
This company had reviews that were not that bad before, but they slid into the negative zone recently.

ASAP
http://www.123notary.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=2984
Ratings just went downhill. One notary claimed they always paid him on time until the last two years. Another notary comments that you now have to bug them a little bit to get paid while in the old days they would just pay.

Land and Law Group
http://www.123notary.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=6102
Just got a bunch of new bad reviews for late payment.

Client First
http://www.123notary.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=6809
Has some new reviews for payment issues

Docpros
http://www.123notary.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=5410
Got a few new bad reviews about payment issues

Nations Direct
http://www.123notary.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=2436
More complaints about micromanagement, low pay, and other issues

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You might also like:

Stories of notaries who fail and what they did wrong
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=143

Typical things notaries do wrong
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=94

Which notaries are getting the work on 123notary?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=89

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March 27, 2015

Notary Etiquette from Athiest to Zombie

Filed under: Etiquette,Humorous Posts — admin @ 6:41 am

AKA: How to be polite when you’re in Affix!

Atheist etiquette
If you are notarizing an Atheist and he/she sneezes, don’t say God bless you.

Don’t sell people’s signatures
If you are notarizing a celebrity — Don’t rip out the portion of your journal with their autograph on it and sell it on ebay. That is considered to be bad manners in certain circles and is also a violation of notary law! Don’t sell your roommate’s notary seal on ebay either.

Don’t second guess family relations.
If you notarize who you think is the guy’s mother, but the woman is the guy’s wife, keep it to yourself. I once asked a guy, if I was going to notarize his mother, then he said, “That’s my wife.” — awkward… Oh, and don’t ask people if they are lesbian lovers even if you are asked to notarized an affidavit of domicile. Let them volunteer that information if they care to do so.

Guns & Religion
If you bring a gun to a signing, don’t talk about other loaded subjects like religion. On the other hand, if you go to a signing in a church, circumvent the issue of circumcision. If the phone rings during a Church signing, if it ain’t Jesus, don’t answer it.

If you are doing a signing for a hunter, should you bring up guns?
It’s worth a shot!

Tips for Notarizing Assassins
Avoid asking an assassin any direct questions such as, “What do you do?” Rather, ask more roundabout open ended questions, such as, “Have you done anything interesting recently with your career?” After all, if their deeds were done in some African country, they can speak freely in the United States about it with no fear of an awkward moment at a party.
If you make a mistake notarizing an assassin, don’t say, “SHOOT!”
If you are doing a signing for an assassin, make sure you include their middle name in the document.
I once asked an assassin, what is the difference between a murder and an assassination — where do you draw the line?

Loud televisions
Instead of bluntly asking someone to turn the TV down, you can say, “It’s very hard to hear you — did you say you liked your rate, or that you were having trouble staying awake?”
If you are mumbling under your breath, “What an idiot” in the context of asking someone to turn their TV down: make sure you say that with a safe margin of error before they actually turn the TV down.
If an elderly relative is watching a loud television. Politely let them know that you don’t want to let them know that you don’t want to become as deaf as they evidently are.

Notary Notes Sections
Rather than write the regular stuff in your notes section, you could write, “I will never insult the borrower, and I have a policy against parking in people’s lawns.”

Going to the bathroom in an outhouse
Notaries should never make a signer feel uncomfortable about having an outhouse. You should gracefully address the issue, but only if you actually are forced by natural causes to use that infrastructure. “I just loved the quarter moon in your outhouse, how quaint.”
“I just loved the latest issue of Outhouse & Gardens that I read while I was doing my business.”

Signings with beautiful women
If they ask you to do a Deed, it will be far more disappointing than doing “The Deed.”

Tips for Notarizing Zombies
It is considered bad manners for the notary to participate in the chanting, especially after they bring out the dead chicken, unless given express permission, otherwise it might cancel out the curse. Never tell a zombie that they look deathly ill — rather, tell them that they look deathly well. If you are having a zombie swear to the authenticity of a curse, it might be wiser to have the swear to a written version of the curse verbiage rather than to have them do a completely sworn Oath (otherwise you might become cursed or start hearing voices.) If asked to notarize a zombie’s death certificate, rather than claiming that it is against notary law to do so, ask them, “Which one?”

Popular Zombie Documents
It is common to have a formal Affidavit of transfer of Custodianship of Soul. This is where the zombie officially grants Power of Attorney to the “Bokor” or sorceror to have full control over their soul and body (or what’s left of it.) Please be advised that many zombies only have half a soul.

If a zombie commits perjury, it is punishable by life in prison. But, it is not stipulated which soul will inhabit the body during the sentence.

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March 26, 2015

The two signings for the guy with the hungry kids.

Filed under: General Stories — admin @ 12:56 am

So a title company called me for a loan signing. I approached the house and could see the husband lying on the couch watching tv. I knocked, and he didn’t answer. I knocked again, and he still ignored me. I knocked a third time and the wife finally comes to the door to answer. We sit down at a very messy table and start going through the signing. Halfway through, the 4 year old come up and says, I’m hungry. The wife tells him to wait but he keeps insisting and whining. She tells him to wait again, but finally she gives in and whips out her breast and starts breastfeeding in front of me. I am mortified. The husband looks like he could care less. He had absolutely no reaction and I just sat there embarrassed.

2 weeks later, I got another call to go back to the same house so I decide to time this better so it doesn’t interfere with dinner time. I decide to go at 8pm this time so it’s later on in the evening. We are at the table again doing the singing, and the 10, 4, and 3 year old kids bounce out of the bathroom saying that they just got done showering together. They started asking for food – and again, the same thing happened with the 3 and 4 year old. I’m never going back to that house again!

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March 25, 2015

What did I pay last year? A guide to making business-like decisions

Filed under: Business Tips — admin @ 9:13 am

Whenever I talk to Notaries about their renewal price, the first question that most notaries seem to ask is, “What did I pay last year?”
When you go to the gas station to fill up after a price hike or price depression, do you check your books to see what you paid last time before deciding whether you are going to fill up? That makes absolutely no sense.

Don’t base willingness to pay on your comfort level
When you ask the question, “What did I pay last year,” you are really asking yourself, is this year’s price within my comfort level. This is the wrong question. Don’t base your business decisions on your comfort level. Base them on the value of what you are purchasing.

Don’t base willingness to pay on the amount of business you got recently
Other notaries complain that they got less business this year, yet I am charging the same price as last year. Prices on 123notary are based on formulas, supply & demand, and individual considerations. We do NOT base prices based on how much business you got, or think you got. If business is slow in a particular area, notaries will drop out, and the price for a #1 spot could go down by more than half which has happened in over a dozen areas on 123notary.com. Don’t base what you are willing to pay on how much business you got in the last six months.

Figure out how much business you get from a particular source in the long run. Keep in mind that markets go up and down all the time. You might have had a really bad last ten months, but that could all change in an instant and the market could suddenly be flooded with refinances. This happened about two years ago. It was dead for several years, and then all of a sudden there was more work than people could handle for almost a year. Base your business decisions on the long run which includes ups and downs in how many refinances are out there. Try to base what you are willing to pay us on how much business you have averaged over the last four years.

If you lose your #1 spot, and then the market turns around, boy will you feel dumb! Many people give up their top spots because the market temporarily went South. But, if you give up your spot, someone else takes it, and then the market is booming, you will lose out on tens of thousands of dollars of business — and you will feel dumberer than you’ve ever felt.

Don’t base your willingness to pay based on what others are charging
If NotaryRotary charges $79 per year and 123notary charges $500 for your listing, many notaries would complain. Then, we say, “But, we sell economy spots for only $39, so we are actually less expensive than NotaryRotary.” The answer is always, “But, I don’t WANT an economy spot, I want to be #1.” You cannot purchase Champagne on a Budweiser budget. If you want #1, then start saving.

Don’t base your willingness to pay on anything if your listing is not attractive.
Many notaries tell me that my directory is not that great based on the fact that they don’t get much business from it. While the notaries who have OUR certification (not someone else’s,) have many reviews, have an amazingly and uniquely written notes section, a business name, and perhaps even more bells and whistles typically tell me that our directory is the best thing since sliced Hai-Nan Chicken. If you don’t have reviews, our certification, or a good notes section, don’t expect to do well. However, these goodies are either free, or at a nominal cost, and can be obtained with minimal effort. We can even help you with your notes section at no cost! How generous of us (if you overlook the fact that if you look good — we look good, which is why we are so happy to help.)

Base how much you’ll pay based on what you’re getting compared to other sources
See how much business the other sources are getting you and for what price. Then, you can see if our price is merited. Many notaries claim that they get 90% of their business from our site which to me merits a very high price. Other notaries get only a modest or thin stream of business from our site. If you got $20,000 of long term business as a result of being listed with our site, it might be worth between 1-7% of that income as a reinvestment in advertising. I can’t say exactly how much is reasonable. That is really something that should be based on how much you like this business and how aggressively you want to maintain your presence in this tough market.

If you are a mobile notary, you are a business person. Make sure the types of business questions you ask reflect the fact that you are a business person, and know how to assess the value of your purchases based on sound reasoning, and not based on your comfort level.

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March 24, 2015

Reading Notary blogs & forums thoroughly will enhance your knowledge

Filed under: Best Practices — admin @ 9:06 am

But, I already do! As a Notary, you can’t possibly know it all from studying or personal experience. You need to share experiences with other notaries, and read forums and blogs. Forums have lots of hot gossip about what is going on in the notary profession. You might learn of new technologies being used, or new legal situations which could get you in trouble. Being tuned in and aware will make you better at what you do. Additionally, you will impress people more if you keep up on your facts by reading a lot.

Most notaries make the mistake of only reading what is interesting to them, fun, or what is perceived as being useful. Notaries have a very low rate of reading articles about the fine tuned aspects of the notary profession. They don’t read the more obscure articles as much since they don’t feel the issues pertain to them. They prefer to read about issues they have already dealt with. My suggestion is to not only read everything, but to go back in time several years and read what was written long ago. There are certain topics we wrote about in 2010, that we might not have touched upon in years. Back in 2013, we wrote a few phoninars and a 63 signing agent points blog entry. These blogs hit upon some major and critical technical notary public points that you should know, that most notaries don’t know.

What notaries like to read are the lists of signing companies. Yes, these are practical and of immediate importance. However, if you click on the technical or marketing sections and go back into time and read all of them, you will learn a lot of very critical information that could prove irreplaceable in your career. There is no harm in reading the funny stuff either. It is good to get a few laughs in the middle of stuffing your brain with dry, technical knowledge.

You might also like:

2013 Phoninar
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4054

April Phoninar
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4382

Signing Agent best practices 63 points
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4315

Marketing
http://blog.123notary.com/?cat=34

Technical
http://blog.123notary.com/?cat=3242

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March 23, 2015

Removing a negative review for a notary

Filed under: Reviews — Tags: — admin @ 3:55 am

I just did something for the first time. I removed a negative review from a notary’s profile. I didn’t do it because the notary was innocent either. It is because of a new policy. If a review is three or more years old, the notary has the right to request that 123notary removes it. We won’t do it on our own though. If we remove a 3 year old negative review from a profile, we might remove 3 year old positive reviews as well just to be fair.

The next question is, how long should we keep positive reviews on the site? My hands are tied here. If I remove people’s positive reviews, they will come to my house and lynch me. Hmmm. I don’t want that to happen. There is no harm done in having old reviews hanging around on your profile. The harm is not having more recent ones. 123notary’s page ranking on Google goes up if there are more positive reviews in the area. So, if you are in Detroit, and you get a few reviews, you are helping not only yourself, but the entire Detroit page!

Please don’t flood me with emails over this issue. Read the date on your review. Wait until the review hits the three year make and then contact me. I will remove it upon request. Your jail sentence is over! You are released for good behavior!

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March 22, 2015

Point (13) Call The Lender? Finding the Prepayment Penalty

Filed under: Loan Signing 101 — Tags: — admin @ 10:20 pm

Marcy had been studying up. She didn’t want to make a fool of herself anymore. She went to her next signing prepared.

MARCY: Hi, I’m Marcy, and I’ll be your Signing Agent tonight.

GLORIA: Oh wonderful. It is so nice to see a well prepared Notary.

MARCY: We can start here with the Deed of Trust and I’ll explain the documents as we go along unless you want to start with the HUD and work our way back.

GLORIA: Oh, very sophisticated. You sound like one of those really experienced Notaries who has signed 3000+ loans and advertises on 123notary.com.

MARCY: Well, I’ve signed about 20 by now, and I’m only 2980 short of 3000. I am working on the 123notary course, but haven’t finished it yet, but I’m almost there.

GLORIA: Great. The Deed is fine, the Note is fine, now, why is my APR higher than my Rate in my Note?

MARCY: I just studied this… I know the answer. The APR is the annual percentage relationship between the payments and the amount borrowed, minus the fees. This rate is often used to compare the different loans borrowers have to choose from. The APR is almost always higher than the rate. The rate, on the other hand, is a monthly percentage relationship between the payments and the total amount borrowed, including fees.

GLORIA: Wow, very professional. You are even better prepared than the notaries who signed 3000 loans. They just told me, “It is the cost of the loan expressed as a percentage rate.” Your answer was so professional.

MARCY: I spent two hours memorizing it and I practice daily so I won’t look like a fool.

GLORIA: Oh, no, you don’t. I’m going to tell your boss that you are the best Notary I’ve ever had, and we refinance every five years. Now, where is my prepayment penalty?

MARCY: Oh, just look on the Truth in Lending.

GLORIA: Okay… It says that I will, won’t or might have a prepayment penalty. I’ve gotten more decisive answers from a magic 8 ball. Can you do any better than this?

MARCY: Oh, hmm. I thought it was there. Do you want to call the Lender?

GLORIA: Sorry to lecture you after I complimented you, but aren’t YOU supposed to know this?

MARCY: We could call the magic 8 ball? Better yet, let’s call the Lender.

(ring-ring)

FRANK: Yeah, Frank here.

MARCY: You are the first Lender in human history to actually answer his phone.

FRANK: Glad to be of help.

MARCY: Your customer wants to know what the terms of her prepayment penalty would be.

FRANK: You mean my BORROWER. Never call them customers. Gloria DiStefano. She doesn’t have one.

MARCY: Where is that documented – In the Prepayment Rider?

FRANK: No, if there is no prepayment penalty, then there definitely won’t be a rider. Check the Note. Anything else?

MARCY: We’re good. That was fast. 45 seconds exactly not that I’m counting.

GLORIA: I’m on it. I thought we went over the Note. I guess I skimmed it too fast. Here it is. It says I don’t have a prepayment penalty. Great. I’ll pay the whole thing off tomorrow. That was easy.

MARCY: Sorry, I’ll study harder. But, I am doing so much better than three weeks ago when I first started. I hadn’t a clue then, but now I get most of the questions correct.

GLORIA: That’s good, but you need to get ALL of the questions correctly and handle all situations like a pro if you want my business!

MARCY: Sadly, you are right. I’ll finish my course and review it regularly. I might even take a few other courses too.

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Point (13) Calling the Lender
Notaries are often confused about when to call the Lender. Some Notaries are over-confident and never want to call the Lender while other Notaries call whenever the borrower sneezes. A high quality Notary knows when to call the Lender and when not to bother the Lender. You have to understand many of the common situations that arise when you have a small problem. If you call the Lender, leave a message, and wait 20 minutes and then call again. Call other entities related to the loan too if you can, such as the Signing Company, Escrow, Title, etc. If the Lender does answer, the borrower might talk to them for 45 minutes while you are running late to an appointment. You will save a lot of time and aggravation if you ONLY call the Lender when you absolutely need to.

The 1003
The 1003 Universal Residential Loan Application is the one document that is universally wrong. There are always mistakes on everybody’s 1003. I’m not sure if there is a law requiring it to always be wrong, but it seems like there is some sort of cosmic law mandating that. Since the 1003, and the Good Faith Estimate are not final documents, don’t worry too much about it. Just make sure that the HUD Settlement Statement is correct, otherwise you’ll have to redraw your loan!

The APR
Many borrowers ask why the APR is higher than the Rate. If you study and rehearse explaining the APR, you can save yourself the time and aggravation of calling the Lender only to find out they are not able to answer their phone. The borrower will feel a lot better, and you will have one less problem at your signing.

The Prepayment Penalty
Borrowers ask about their Prepayment Penalty all the time. Look for it either in the Note, or the Prepayment Rider if there is one (and once in a while there is) The borrower can read the terms themselves instead of being frustrated that they can’t find it.

Letter of Instructions
Consult the letter of instructions before beginning any loan. That way you will know what to do if there is a problem. There might even be phone numbers in the instructions.

Specific Questions
If a borrower asks a question that is specific to their loan, call the lender. If they ask a general question about what information is in what loan document, you should know. Study up!

The RTC
What if the borrower signs in the wrong place on the Right to Cancel? Just go to the borrowers’ copies and get a fresh copy. You just saved yourself a lengthy discussion with the Lender.

Errors on Certificates
If there is an error on a Notary certificate, this is purely for the Notary to resolve. Don’t get the Lender involved in your job as you should know your job.

When is my first payment due?
Look in the TIL, HUD, Payment Coupon, but don’t call the Lender unless you have to.

Power of Attorney Signings
Call the Lender regardless. Even if you know exactly how to sign, call the Lender to confirm. Power of Attorney signings are rejected 70% of the time in my experience even if they are done correctly.

If the names printed on the documents are spelled wrong
If there are any problems with names of signers on the documents, you should call the Lender. If the ID doesn’t match the borrower’s name printed on the document, you have a problem. The Lender might not care about what Notary law says, but does want to get the loan signed. If the signer is not comfortable signing the way their name is typed on the document, the loan will probably not fund otherwise, but you can call the Lender or read our section about the Signature Affidavit.

Missing docs or docs the borrower won’t sign
If you are missing any of the loan documents that normally appear in a package, sign the ones that are there, send them back, and call the Lender immediately upon discovery that you are missing a document. Or, if a borrower won’t sign a particular document, call the Lender. You can send it back unsigned at the top of the stack. Or, if the borrower wants to keep it and send it back after talking to the Lender, that is another common option.

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You might also like:

The signer won’t sign the disclosure
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4484

Industry standards in the Notary business
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4370

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March 22, 2015

Point (12) Cross-Outs; Marcy & The Flood Affidavit

Filed under: Loan Signing 101 — Tags: — admin @ 10:06 am

Our friend Marcy is very flustered by now. Everything she does is just plain wrong. But, she has no other way to make a living, so she just continues to, as her friend puts it, “Go out there!”

MARCY: Hi, I’m Marcy, and I’ll be your Notary tonight.

SALLY: Thanks for coming Marcy. Let’s get this signing started.

MARCY: Sounds like a song the way you say it.

SALLY: I listen to a lot of music. I’ve looked over the documents, and everything looks good except for the Flood Affidavit. I refuse to sign this no matter what.

MARCY: Oh boy. I’ll call the Lender. (ring-ring) Nobody answers. I’ll leave a message. “Hi, this is Marcy the Notary for the Rodriguez Signing. Sally Rodriguez is refusing to sign the Flood Affidavit.

SALLY: And one more thing. I don’t like one of the names in the Name Affidavit.

MARCY: Well, in my first Signing Agent course it teaches us to just cross-out any wrong information. Not sure what my second course says as I am only half-way through reading it.

SALLY: How reassuring. I hope it was not the part that was crossed out. I’ll just cross it out.

MARCY: Great. I’ll send these documents back with a note.

Marcy made several more mistakes here. Her self-esteem must be zero right now. Poor Marcy. But, it is her fault for not studying more! First, she did not put the unsigned flood affidavit on the TOP of the package. It was not found until after it was too late. Sally lost her lock as a result and had to pay an extra half a percent interest which cost her $20,000 over the life of the loan. This is partly Sally’s fault for refusing to sign, but partly Marcy’s fault for not putting the note on the top of the package with the document, so whoever opened the package would know there was a problem right away.

The second mistake Marcy made was allowing a cross-out. As a general rule, you cannot make cross-outs on documents. On Notary Certificates you can cross-out, although recorders don’t like it and might reject a Deed with a cross-out. But, on Legal documents crossing something out is as good as shredding the entire document in most cases. White-out is even worst — never use white-out no matter what.

However, there are times when Notaries can and should use cross-outs, so read the text!

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Point (12) Cross-Outs

Notaries are often too happy to cross-out and initial.
Some signing courses teach notaries to cross-out anything which is wrong and have the borrower initial. There are many Lenders (Provident Title being the most famous) that will not allow any cross-outs on any documents no matter what. You will ruin the loan by crossing anything out. So, ask your contact person for permission to cross anything out. If a contact person is not available, read the LETTER OF INSTRUCTIONS. In any case, cross-outs should be done as a last resort if done at all. If the signer won’t sign the document in any case, and you can not find out if the lender will permit them, maybe it is worth the risk to cross something out, if the signer will at least sign the document.

Wrong Names?
If a signer needs to sign his name differently than typed (with permission of the Lender) do NOT cross anything out. The processor will make the necessary changes, just sign as instructed.

The RTC
If the dates are wrong on the right to cancel and there are no borrowers’ copies with the dates left blank, you can cross-out and have the borrowers initial the change in dates. If the borrower signs where it says, “I wish to cancel” and there is no borrower copy, you might be forced to cross-out and have the borrower initial, and hope for the best as there is no other alternative.

Acknowledgment & Jurat Certificates
If a date or county is wrong in a Notary Certificate, it is better to start with a fresh certificate. But, if it is not possible or permitted by the Lender to use a new certificate, you are forced to cross-out and initial. On certificates it is the Notary, not the borrowers, who does the initialing.

County Recorders
The County Clerk is likely to reject a notarization if there are cross-outs in the notary section. For Deeds, be extra careful not to have any smudgy seals, cross-outs, or anything else wrong. Each County Clerk is different and some are pickier than others. As for those who insist on calling a tomato a fruit, don’t even get me started!

The 1003
Borrowers can usually get away with cross-outs on the 1003 as this is not a final document in the loan process. It is still unadvisable to cross things out as the Lender might reject the loan. Lenders often want to sell loans, and if there is anything wrong, then the 3rd party buyer might decline not only that loan, but all of the loans in the package from that particular Lender. So, try to avoid making a mess.

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You might also like:

Cross-out and initial?
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=cross-out-initial

Cross-out happy; Not a good idea
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4449

Common mistakes on 1003 and crossing out, RTC, TIL & APR
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4553

.

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March 21, 2015

March NEW signing companies

Filed under: New Signing Companies — admin @ 12:32 am

I apologize that there are so few companies on this list. But, the industry is slow these days. This is all there were!

Great Lakes Settlement
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=1137&Great+Lakes+Settlement

Stewart Title – Tumwater, WA
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=1138&Stewart+Title+%2D+Tumwater%2C+WA

Lendserv Title
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=1139&Lendserv+Title

Here is a signing company that is not new, but went uphill in our review system in the last year:

Notary on Call
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=1067&Notary+on+Call

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You might also like:

Funniest things that happen to signing agents
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=55

Confirming the signing
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19

Borrowers and their filthy homes
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=2214

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March 20, 2015

Pulling the plug – a notary story

Filed under: Humorous Posts — Tags: — admin @ 6:46 am

There the notary was, at this ghastly scene. They were all standing over this person’s body. He was in a coma you see.

HUSBAND: Should we pull the plug?

WIFE: Over my dead body!

HUSBAND: Well, it is going to be Harold’s dead body, not yours. He hasn’t budged an inch in over a year. Seriously. We are playing God here, and it just isn’t right. He’s not coming back.

WIFE: But, what if he does. Pulling the plug would be murder.

HUSBAND: Not exactly, we are artificially keeping him alive. By pulling the plug, he can still live if his body permits him too.

NOTARY: This reminds me of Star Wars where Han Solo almost gets frozen for thousands of years. Or did he get frozen. It was so long ago that I…

WIFE: Oh my God, where did you find this Notary?

HUSBAND: Well, I found him on 123notary.com. But, I don’t think we should blame 123notary for this guy’s inability to stay out of touchy conversations about touchy topics.

WIFE: Well, maybe 123notary should have a search filter for notaries who don’t blurt out stupid inappropriate things.

NOTARY: Oh gee, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything by that. By the way, I hope you don’t want me to notarize Harold. I know he is appearing before me, but he doesn’t seem to be able to hold a pen, or have much of a conversation.

WIFE: No, you are notarizing our decision whether or not to pull the plug.

NOTARY: Got it. (to Harold) Hey Harold, what do you think about that?

HAROLD: (doesn’t budge an inch)

HUSBAND: So, are we going to sign this or not.

NOTARY: You know with coma patients, I just wonder if their soul leaves their body. Some people with cancer say they feel their body is a prison. Harold must be having the time of his life — hmm…. bad choice of words. He must be having a great out-of-body experience. I heard that is cool.

WIFE: There he goes again. This is not a situation for you to comment on.

HUSBAND: Well, we did invite him here when we were not ready — so, that one’s on us.

NOTARY: Finally, a customer who acknowledges that my time actually does have a value. You better make up your mind fast, before I have an out-of-body experience. Just don’t use my stamp if that happens — that would be a felony!

WIFE: Don’t worry, we won’t.

HUSBAND: So, do we pull the plug, or not.

WIFE: I can’t make up my mind.

HUSBAND: Well, spend a few minutes and think about it. The doctor said that the chance of him coming back are less than 1%.

(5 minutes later after some deep though)

WIFE: Should we have a medium come and try to communicate with Harold?

NOTARY: If you do, make sure the medium doesn’t charge you for waiting time, otherwise you’ll owe him a fortune!

HUSBAND: I think we should just make up our minds — just the two of us

NOTARY: Actually, technically, there are three of us.

WIFE: What is it with this guy? Okay… Let’s pull the plug.

NOTARY: Oh, wow, what’s that over there (looking at the elaborate fish tank — he trips over the IV tube) Oooops… Gee, I’m sorry.

HAROLD: (Opening his eyes) Uhhhh?

WIFE: He’s alive… He’s talking. Get that IV back in him. That careless Notary pulled the plug by tripping on it!

NOTARY: It was an accident, but you said you wanted to pull the plug. But, maybe this is a good thing. After all, you got the sign that you’ve been waiting for.

WIFE: Okay, plug him back in.

(a year later)

WIFE: Harold hasn’t budged since we pulled the plug. Maybe the only way to get him to be alive is to pull the plug.

HUSBAND: Yeah, maybe we should hire that same Notary. He was the only one who could wake Harold up.

NOTARY: I’m here… but, this time you are paying waiting time fees up front. I have wised up!

HUSBAND: Okay, this is for last year’s waiting time, and this is for the first 20 minutes of watching my wife be indecisive.

NOTARY: That’s more like it. So, are you ready to sign now?

HUSBAND: Yes, but first, what’s that over there? (trips on the IV)

WIFE: Now, you’re doing it. Someone’s always tripping on that IV line.

HAROLD: Uhhh… (lifts his head up) here we go again… (thud, as head falls down)

HUSBAND: The heart beat reader. There’s no pulse… Harold is officially dead now.

NOTARY: Just sign here… and sign the journal. Harold, you can sign here… just kidding. (Harold’s hand falls off the bed)

WIFE: Harold’s arm just went down. Is that another sign?

HUSBAND: At this point, I don’t know what to make of all these signs. (to Notary) Do you have a card?

NOTARY: Here’s my card. I also do Weddings and Bar-Mitzvahs.

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