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April 14, 2019

Notarize you like a hurricane: A guide to heavy metal notarizations

Filed under: Humorous Posts — Tags: , — admin @ 10:18 am

So, Harry wanted to get notarized. But, he was born in 1968 and wanted a little more of an “experience” that would bring back his childhood… in a good way. So, he called this outfit, and when I say outfit, yes, that includes the leather jackets, hairstyles, etc., called Hard Rock Notarizations. But, they didn’t just sent the Notary over. They sent the whole band.

HARRY: Hello, is this Hard Rock Notarizations?

SLASH: Yeah. What do you need?

HARRY: Are you the real slash?

SLASH: No man, this is just a theme thing. I wear a torn leather jacket, a bandana, have long hair, and look cool assuming you like the drugged out, don’t give a (&*#) look. But, I don’t work alone. I bring what I call my “work crew.”

HARRY: Got it. So, I have an Affidavit that I need signed.

SLASH: We have free time at 6pm. We don’t have any paying gigs until far after that, and we can’t do earlier because of our hangovers. I really gotta stop drinking. Man…

HARRY: One more thing. Can you greet me in Cockney?

SLASH: Oh yeah. We specialize in bilingual signings. We have staff that speaks English, Spanish, and we specialize in Cockney. Tassy knows how to speak that.

HARRY: Tassy? What the hell type of name is Tassy?

SLASH: He’s cool. You’ll love him.

(6 o’clock arrives. There is a loud rumble in the distance. The rumble gets louder, and then unbearably loud… and then the noise stops. The click of a kickstand rings in the air. And then footsteps. There is a knock at the door.)

TASSY: Ello, Arry (cockney accent for Hello Harry)

HARRY: Hi guys

SLASH: Ello Arry… ee does it bedda don’ee. (He does it better, don’t he.)

HARRY: Yeah, his sounds more authentic.

KEITH: So, don’t you want to know which one of us is the tattoo artist?

HARRY: I might need a touch up on this one, the color seems to have faded over the last 25 years. But, I don’t need any new ones. Oh, and thanks for not parking right on my lawn.

SLASH: Yeah, we kind of learned the hard way about that once at a party several years ago. Let’s just say the owner wasn’t pleased. But, fortunately the damage was made invisible after a subsequent rain storm. So, Harry, do you want me to lead?

HARRY: Lead what?

SLASH : Let me give you a little hint. Have you ever worked on a dairy farm before?

HARRY: Dairy farm?

SLASH: (handing him a cow bell) Then you should be very acquainted with one of these!

KEITH: Hmmm. The weather seems to be changing. (looks out the window) Oh look, we’re having the beginnings of that hurricane they were talking about on the news!

HARRY: We’re not having a hurricane. I read the weather forecast just this morning online.

TASSY: Oh yes we are. Put this on and sit over on that chair and don’t say anything. You’ll ruin it.

HARRY: A wig…I’m not a woman. And a leather jacket? Worn out boots? Cigarettes? I don’t smoke. What’s going on here?

SLASH: Boys, bring in the heavy artillery.

(The work crew brings in a huge over-sized drum set, amps, and a bunch of musical instruments, a video crew, and a whole bunch of wires that were sitting in the van outside next to the long line of cycles.)

TASSY: You (said emphatically)(pause), are now going to be the star of your own music video entitled, “Rock you like a hurricane!”

HARRY: Oh my God, really? Are we going to notarize too?

KEITH: Oh yeah, we’ll get to that. But business first.

The rock and roll band had Harry playing the cow bell, and then had him pretend to play lead guitar during part of the video, and then had him be the lead singer in another part. They had him and the other rocksters (I coined that term, sorry) do all the typical 80’s type heavy metal poses: two musicians back to back, leaning forward over the mic, leaning to all sides, walking on their knees, pretending to be walking down the stairs, etc. They also filmed Harry with hot babes to his left and the right wearing leopard outfits for eye candy effect. The music was real and shot on site. And when it was all over, they gave Harry a copy of the video for him to cherish for the rest of his life where he was the star of his own heavy metal video.

Here I am
Rock you like a hurricane
Here I am
Rock you like a hurricane
My signature is burning, it starts to shout
Desire is coming, it breaks out loud

TASSY: And one more thing before we leave. Weren’t we supposed to noh’-arize (glottal stop on the sound noh’) something Arry?

HARRY: I almost forgot with all the excitement. My Affidavit. Here. Watch me sign.

TASSY: I bet you’ve never seen anything like this before. It’s a Noh’-ary seal case.

HARRY: Does it need to be that large? It’s the size of a huge rectangular guitar case, but with a little felt indentation for the notary seal.

TASSY: Ay, we’re musicians. This is ow we loik to do things ya. (This is how we like to do things). There’s room too for my thumb printa and woips. Check this out. It’s my odd Rock (hard rock) Noh’-ary Seal… ya know wuh’ I mein? (you know what I mean?) — it’s go’d play’id (gold plated).

HARRY: Wow. I’ve never seen anything like it.. Look, there’s a little solid gold guitar on the front. Okay. I need to swear under Oath. “I solemnly swear this affidavit to be the truth to the best of my knowledge so help me God.” I hope you’re in tune with me on this one.

KEITH: Nobody has ever accused him of notarizing out of tune before. That would be a terrible thing. Okay…. stamped… done!

POLICE: (knock knock) Ummm, we’ve had a complaint about excess noise in the neighborhood. You gentlemen wouldn’t happen to know anything about it?

TASSY: (thick Cockney accent) In my opinion the problem is that there wasn’t enough noise. We were just noh’arizing, officer.

POLICE: Well do you think you could notarize a little more quietly?

TASSY: Sorry about that. We ‘ave this nahsty ‘abit of loiking to noh’aroize to the sound of music. Oi think that’s where the issue arose from. By the why, while yor ‘ere, (while you’re here) our tattoo guy is still ‘ere. Do you need any old tats refreshed. ‘ee specialoizes in that. (he specializes in that)

POLICE: Actually I’m off duty in a few minutes. Oh, did you just refresh Harry’s tattoos? That looks amazing, wow. You’re so good at that it’s almost criminal!

TATTOO GUY: Thanks, I take pride in appearing to be a criminal and hyper sexualized. The irony is that I don’t actually do anything illegal. I’m talking like Miley Cirus now.

So, the band packed up, loaded up the van, there was a loud rumble as the motorcycles left, and Tattoo Guy was the last to go as he had to finish his business with the police. Then, he too rumbled away. And thus ends the story of how Harry had his fantasy heavy metal notarization — 80’s style!