What type of car would fit the personality of a Notary? There would have to be room for the Notary’s bag where they keep their seals, certificate pads, mace, and other tools of the trade. But, most cars have room for a tiny bag, don’t they? Next, the car would need a good GPS system since Notaries are notorious for having trouble finding the houses of new clients (which they do multiple times per day.) Finally, the car would need good fuel efficiency and be easy to park, because you never know where you’ll have to park.
Another critical point is that others would avoid having an accident with this car (or near this car) since the Notary would make such a good witness. And what better car to greet today’s guest in, none other than the world’s greatest ex-Notary — Jeremy.
NOTARY: Wow, what a great car! What’s the Power of Attorney on this thing? I hope it does well in reverse, because I do a lot of reverse mortgages. How many pages per gallon (or minute) can it print doing eDocuments? Does it have a plugin for electronic signatures?
SEINFELD: If you drive it as an electric vehicle, you won’t need Errors & Emissions insurance. What’s the deal with a digital signature? If it is anything like the digital exam the proctologist gave me last week, I just hope you have plenty of rubber of gloves in the glove compartment.
NOTARY: I’m going to call it the stamp compartment, so keep your filthy gloves out of it.
SEINFELD: You are the funniest Notary I know.
NOTARY: Is that why you have me on your show?
SEINFELD: I’d like eggs over easy.
NOTARY: And make sure they’re on time, otherwise I’m charging you waiting time.
SEINFELD: Well, she is a waitress, that’s what she does.
NOTARY: Yeah — she gets paid for waiting, but I need to get paid for waiting too, especially if I get a four minute egg that takes forty-five minutes to arrive.
SEINFELD: Yeah, and the eggs better have their ID ready when they arrive, because I don’t think the Notary will let me eat them if they don’t have identification.
WAITRESS: No problem, I’ll just send the eggs to the DMV in the meantime to get an ID. But, I can’t get one without a birth certificate which will be a problem since none of the eggs have been born yet.
SEINFELD: Well, can’t they get born, and then somehow be shoved back into their shell?
WAITRESS: They might not taste so good if you did that.
SEINFELD: What type of coffee would a Notary drink?
NOTARY: It doesn’t matter just as long as we know the expiration date of the beans.
WAITRESS: What type of document would you use to prove that a brand of coffee was decaffeinated?
NOTARY: A decaffidavit.
SEINFELD: That figures (and rolls his eyes.) So, what type of coffee do you guys drink?
WAITRESS: Some prefer Chock Full o’Notaries while some prefer Antigua Affidavit.
NOTARY: Okay, thanks a latte. If I order that, will I have to pay a “latte fee?”
WAITRESS: Not if you sign your tip on time.
SEINFELD: With all thie caffeine racing through my veins, this is the first time I’ve been awake with a Notary.
NOTARY: In case you say something funny, I’ll be sure to acknowledge that it was indeed a joke.
SEINFELD: What’s that? Sorry, I was nodding off there. I want to ask you something. When you were a little kid, and your little friends were dreaming of being spiderman or a cowboy, what made you dream of executing a document?
NOTARY: Right now I’m dreaming of executing a comic.
SEINFELD: You know what? That was actually funny? I’ll give that joke two thumbprints up! Look at that elderly couple. They must have been married for fifty years. They haven’t said a word to each other in twenty minutes. After twenty years of marriage they must run out of things to say.
NOTARY: Yeah, and they run of of things to Notarize too.
SEINFELD: Can’t you ever get your mind off of work?
NOTARY: Well I think I was thinking more about your work, since I was making a joke about Notarizing!
SEINFELD: Look at that sign — it says Notary Public, and then another sign that says back in an hour. I wonder if that means back in an hour from now, or back in an hour from when the sign was hung.
NOTARY: Is the sign hung or hanged?
SEINFELD: A jury is hung, the guy they convicted is hanged, but when it comes to signs, I haven’t the foggiest.
NOTARY: Well, if the sign was convicted, then I know what the correct verbiage would be. Thank God you can’t hang a signature otherwise my whole career would be on the line.
SEINFELD: Sorry to leave you hanging, but we need to get back in the car.
NOTARY: This was actually fun.
SEINFELD: Fun is a very foreign experience for someone in your line of work.
NOTARY: But, I don’t think of it as work.
SEINFELD: (Nodding off) What’s that?
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