NOTARY: Hello Mike, how is everything?

MIKE: It’s been rough. People are cancelling me left and right because of my political beliefs. It’s like living in a communist country.

NOTARY: Well, I’m not going to cancel you. May I see some ID?

MIKE: Here you go.

NOTARY: Let’s see, you want to be notarized as Michael J Lindell, but your ID says only Michael Lindell. Sorry… I’m canceling you based on your ID, but not your political views.

MIKE: It has the J there. Time to see an eye doctor.

NOTARY: I just don’t like the way people cut you off, and without any type of landing pad. There was no cushion to your landing. And all because of your PILLOW-tical views.

MIKE: It’s because the pillow guy is “in bed” with the enemy, at least from their point of view. On the other hand, maybe the cancellers got up on the wrong side of the bed.

NOTARY: For them, every side of the bed is the wrong side.

MIKE: I’ll sign to that!

NOTARY: Well maybe you should resolve your issues with the left by having a pillow fight. By the way. I just love how you get all excited over something so mundane as a pillow. You get as excited about pillows as I get just thinking about my future trip to Japan where I will do sake tasting, see amazing parts of Tokyo with the most unique shopping on the planet, and see Buddhist temples in Kyoto.

MIKE: You’re right. I guess I’m a bit eccentric. But, that Egyptian cotton is something else.

NOTARY: I bet Amazon probably cut you off. They have become a bunch of Piranhas in the last few years which is an interesting insight. I guess their business name has a lot of metaphysical impact on their character.

MIKE: Hmm. Very interesting. I never thought of that. So, what does my business name make me — a big softy?

NOTARY: Actually, you kind of act like that… I think you are correct in your assertation. (pause) Please sign here. (pause) According to Judaism, your name is very important. The most famous story in the Torah is when Rachel’s son Benoni’s name was changed to Benjamin. From: son of my sorrows to: son of my right hand. Rachel had to change the boy’s name otherwise he would attract a negative and sorrowful future. But, you are named after an angel, so I guess you are on the right track. And I think angels like pillows.

MIKE: I should order some new wings from Amazon assuming I’m not banned from there. I should get a warranty on angelic wings too if I get some. Angel wings, not teriyaki wings — just wanted to clarify that.

NOTARY: Can you sign the journal? Uh-huh…. Okay. I’m going to stamp the document. You are good to go. Your new pillow contract is good now — REST ASSURED.

MIKE: Another pillow reference.

NOTARY: Have you ever thought of making coffins too? Dead people like to be comfortable too — I’ve heard.

MIKE: I would like to create a coffin for dead people who vote by mail who need to get in and out of that coffin and go to the post office. There’s a big market for those folks, at least as of 2020.

NOTARY: Good point.How about a briefcase with a very soft exterior, or a Notary journal with a very soft cover?

MIKE: Not much of a market for that, but sounds like a great idea. Well thanks for the Affidavit, do I need to swear to anything?

NOTARY: Your notarization was an Acknowledgment and doesn’t include an Oath. But, I am so good with Oaths, I can give them in my sleep… I swear it!

MIKE: Uh…. another pillow reference. I saw that one coming. Okay, it was fun. Let’s hope that this cancel culture ends soon.

NOTARY: And if it doesn’t, you can suffocate it with one of your products.

MIKE: Another one. That one I didn’t see coming!

Paul the Notary navigated his way around a huge crowd on his way up the steps to the Capitol. He had never seen so many MAGA hats in his life. He had been hired to notarize Mark who called from within the Capitol building for a last minute emergency signing.

NOTARY: Hello, I’m here. Who needed a Notary?

RANDOM PERSON: Buddy, you’re in the wrong place at the wrong time.

NOTARY: It’s not like I’m committing a capitol offense… well actually, bad choice of words, perhaps I am. I am on restricted Federal property — but, I didn’t see a sign, so that makes it okay.

BUBBA: Are you the Notary? We’ve been waiting for you.

NOTARY: Yeah. Who am I notarizing? Is it Confederate Flag guy over there, the guy running around with zip ties, or the guy with the painted face and the horns. Oh, goodie, I hope it’s the guy with the horns.

BUBBA: No, it’s Ramsey over here. He’s been shot and needs a Power of Attorney to authorize his sister to take care of his property.

NOTARY: Ouch. Is he going to get arrested in the middle of the notarization?

RAMSEY: Here, I am weak, but I can sign that journal.

NOTARY: Sign it in blood. Oh, wrong time for that joke.

RAMSEY: It’s okay, I always wanted to die this way.

NOTARY: So, if you die, would you die fighting for your country, or against your country… I’m having trouble figuring out who is who over here.

RAMSEY: We’re fighting for what our country stands for.

NOTARY: And the opposition can’t STAND that, right?

RAMSEY: Another joke. Basically, they sit for justice, we stand for it.

NOTARY: And you can’t SIT injustice.

RAMSEY: Right now I’m lying, but I’m not telling any untruths.

BUBBA: He lies about everything, but only when he is dead tired. Now, I’m doing it.

NOTARY: So you lied beside a Notary, but not to a Notary. Good thing you are not under Oath. You’ll have to sit up for your Oath so you are not lying. Please raise your right gun… I mean your right hand.

RAMSEY: Okay… Uh oh, gunshots. (bang… bang)

BUBBA: Better put your hand down otherwise you might lose it.

ONLOOKER: He won’t be needing it… at least not the way he is going.

NOTARY: Was that friendly fire or un (bang…. bang.) I better get down too. Put your hand out horizontally. Or should I say, LAY your hand out. Do you solemnly swear that the contents of this document are true and correct.

RAMSEY: Yes, but this document is intended to get an Acknowledged signature which doesn’t require an Oath.

NOTARY: Hmmm. Maybe you should be a Notary in a future life. You are correct. Okay. Here is my stamp. You better give this document to your document custodian.

BUBBA: I know his sister so I’ll take care of it.

NOTARY: So, if I say I support the constitution and love the flag, does that make me a white supremicist?

ONLOOKER: Only if you mean it!

BUBBA: Which flag, the American or the Confederate flag? These days they are considered to have the same implications. I was asked to take the American flag off my textbook at school because it was too, “controversial.”

(Later that day on MSNBC)

REPORTER: A white supremacist sympathizer Notary arrived at the Capitol to notarize a man committing treason.

BUBBA: I thought we were protesting against treason — I should start my own news outlet. Why do they always twist facts.

REPORTER: But, the Notary was not wearing a MAGA hat or holding a flag. Looks like these supremacists are hiding under the radar these days. It’s hard to identify them without any distinguishing markings. They look just like regular people without the red hats and the flags.

NOTARY: I’m just doing my job. I am neither for these people or against them. I don’t even know what they were doing, what they thought they were doing, or what they planned (if they planned at all) to do. Do we have to distort every single fact that we talk about?

BUBBA: On their network that is an essential part of their business model.

NOTARY: Does anyone else need a Notary? I need to make a little more out of this trip to pay for my parking. I had to pay a mint for parking, walk over half a mile and risk my life to get here.

SALLY: Do you do Oaths?

NOTARY: Funny you should ask. Please raise your right hand, oh, and that will be $10 please, but hold the ten in your left hand. The other left hand… there you go…

What is Notaritus?
It is a disease that is spread on social media. It is not a disease of the body (pause), but of the mind! Notaries who are poorly trained spread a lot of incorrect information and gossip on Facebook and other online forums. Forums are a great place to share information and experience. But, to share incorrect ideas of how to handle notary situations is just plain dangerous. The problem is that Notaries are addicted to mingling and taking advice from others, so the wrong information spreads from person to person much like a virus.

So, there needs to be a vaccine from this virus, and perhaps information about how to flatten the curve of spreading incorrect information.

1. Stay six feet away from other social media platforms.
2. Wear a mask on your brain when you read notary information published by someone other than your state’s secretary of state.
3. Stay in your basement as much as possible and avoid sunlight, being happy, or going out. Although being happy and getting vitamin D from sunlight strengthens your immune system, we need to keep you afraid so you’ll buy our vaccine, so stay in your basement and remain scared.
4. Wash your brain for at least twenty seconds after every contact with social media.

Then what is the vaccine? Simple. Your state notary division’s website will have correct information about what your state’s notary laws and practices are. Some have newsletters or blogs as well. California has a great handbook and then has a blog of some sort. Not all of the info is in the handbook, so you could lose your commission over vague information in the handbook as to correct journal entry procedure. Wouldn’t it be easier to keep all pertinent information in one place? No! That would be too easy and we can’t have that!

Don’t believe what anyone says about notary law unless they are the Secretary of State’s Notary Division, or someone who is officially designated to teach Notary law. Please keep in mind that 123notary’s notary information is NOT state specific and might not apply to your state and might be outdated. Sorry to downplay our credibility, but I don’t want to mislead the public. Our information is in your best interests, but laws are different in each state and it is hard to keep up with them all.

Come to think of it, I just found out that the Virgin Islands and American Samoa are in the United States. Personally, I think we should sell the Virgin Islands to Al-Qaida, they just love virgins.

So, get the vaccine for Notaritus today, but checking in with your notary division, reading your handbook and going straight to the source for correct information rather than relying on your incompetent friends. When Jesus made reference to the blind leading the blind, he was really talking about Notary Facebook groups, he just didn’t know it at the time.

More on the Notaries in cars issue. If you do a signing where the borrower hands over some signed documents through your car window, not only is that very unprofessional, but it is hard to do notary work without some sort of table. Things can get lost or fall.

You need to see all signers face to face, even if it is outside. You need to look at them and their ID, and then write down the particulars of their ID in your journal assuming your state or your conscience makes you keep one. If you don’t get a clear look face to face at all signers concerned, you are not doing your job.

It is easy to make mistakes or miss things if you are working in an unsuitable environment. Working on a trunk is more like a desk and you might be more in command of the process. You can have a done pile and an undone pile if you work on a trunk. There is plenty of room and it is a flat surface. Assuming the wind doesn’t blow you are good.

Personally, for such an involved signing such as a loan signing, if the borrower is too squeamish to let you inside, I would cancel the signing. It is just not professional to sign in your car. And once again, confirm the signing before you go and make sure they are not sick or squeamish. It makes more sense to wear a mask and sit six or more feet away from them and do your best to make the process smooth.