Black Notaries vs. White Notaries: Are you black or white ee-nuff?
We got a very disrespectful comment about my rebuttal to comments on Black Notaries vs. White Notaries Comedy Edition. This was the most popular comedy post we have written in years, yet the comments were hateful. I guess Americans have nothing constructive to say about race relations. There is either an imposed silence reflecting a social restriction on freedom of speech — or, there is downright hatred — but, very little in between.
So, this commenter claimed that Chris Rock reflected black Notaries poorly because I depicted him as having bad grammer. My rebuttal to his comment on my rebuttal is — Chris Rock is far more talented than any Notary on 123notary: black or white. The post in question was not supposed to be realistic of real Notaries as real Notaries are rarely funny, and would not be good characters in a blog article unless they are brilliant or outrageous. Let satire be satire and don’t try to overanalyze it. So, to appease the aforementioned commenter, we will make an equally erudite man named Sedric Watkins who happens to be black as the star of this blog.
TOMMY: So, why did you become a Notary?
SEDRIC (Black Notary): I became a Notary to supplement my bustling Real Estate management career.
TOMMY: But, isn’t being a Notary a low paying side job?
SEDRIC: I assure you that it is as high or low paying as you make it. I set my minimum at $90 because I have other things of value to do that compete for my limited time resources. Like reading Shakespeare. Or inventing a vaccine that can cure Bill O’Reilly.
—–
SAM (White Notary): (ring ring) Hello?
ABC SIGNING SERVICE: Hi, this is Samantha from ABC signing service. We have a job in Compton where you will need to print out two sets of documents 300 pages each, do 65 fax backs, and notarize twelve signatures for a family of six. Can you do the job for $45?
SAM: I’d love to do the job for $45, but I’m afraid of going to Compton.
ABC SIGNING SERVICE: Figures… Hmmm. We need to find someone who isn’t afraid of going to the hood.
(ring ring)
SEDRIC: Punctilious Signing Services, this is Sedric.
ABC SIGNING SERVICE: Hi Sedric, let’s cut to the chase. And that wasn’t a dated reference to OJ. We need a Notary to go to the hood. We’ve tried twenty other Notaries, but they are all chicken. Mmm, chicken! Can you do the job?
SEDRIC: Why certainly. Ah yes, I remember the days of my impetuous youth when South Central used to be a black neighborhood.
ABC SIGNING SERVICE: Oh, it still is, where we’re sending you. The signing is for a higher up in the Crips who started a business. It’s 300 pages, 65 fax backs, and twelve signatures per person for a family of six. Can you do it for $45?
SEDRIC: Yes — $45… per signer with a $90 minimum for single document signings and $150 minimum for loan signings.
ABC SIGNING SERVICE: Hmm. So, you’re asking for $270.
SEDRIC: My time is in limited supply, and with six signers, if even one doesn’t show up, the whole signing is delayed.
ABC SIGNING SERVICE: Oh, so you’ve done this before…
SEDRIC: Of my 2500 signings, seven were for multiple signers and those were prolonged to say the least.
ABC SIGNING SERVICE: How about $150
SEDRIC: You’re paying for experience and a flawless track record.
ABC SIGNING SERVICE: You folks do have quite a record when it comes to track.
SEDRIC: How patronizing of you.
ABC SIGNING SERVICE: Thank you. Okay, $155
SEDRIC: $200 paid in advance via Paypal. I agree to stay there up to 75 minutes just in case a signer doesn’t show up or doesn’t have ID.
ABC SIGNING SERVICE: Done…
SEDRIC: (ring ring) Hello, this is Sedric from Punctilious Signing Services. I will be seeing your party today at 3pm for a signing. Please have appropriate and current identification.
CRIPS BOSS: You got it. Oh … and one more thing. Wear light blue.
SEDRIC: I’m wearing a black suit today, but I’ll wear a blue tie to show solidarity with your movement.
(In the hood — Sedric parks his car in a busy commercial area to go up to the office.)
PASSERBY: Hey man, what-chu doing in our hood dressed like that? Are you going to a funeral or something?
SEDRIC: No, I happen to be a businessman.
PASSERBY: So, what is it with this uppity lingo you’re using. Are you sure you’re even black?
SEDRIC: “Uppity” is code I don’t appreciate. I assure you that I am black. Must we speak in this dialect?
PASSERBY: You’re the one with the dialect my brother. So, what’s up with you?
SEDRIC: To put it in your vernacular, I’m a “high brow brotha!”
PASSERBY: I heard that. But, you ain’t black ee-nough.
SEDRIC: What prey tell do you mean by black ee-nuff? I’m sure that your definition comprises using incorrect grammar, being opposed to the powers that be, failing out of high school, having an addiction and being a minimum of two months behind on your alimony. You just described a white acquaintance of mine, but I digress. I pay no heed to your juvenile and grievously preposterous sense of cultural sensibilities.
PASSERBY: You got it all wrong man. I never finished junior high school, and they couldn’t find my legal address to make me pay any alimony because I don’t have one — so the joke’s on you! Basicaly what I’m saying, is that there ain’t nothing black about you. Can you dig it?
SEDRIC: My definition of blackness is based purely on genetic lineages tracing back to West Africa. my dear friend. Culture is not a well-defined science you see and therefore not a logical characteristic for racial classification.
PASSERBY: Well you seem like an Uncle Tom.
SEDRIC: Thank you. My Uncle Thomas, much like myself, drives a Ferrari, studies karate, and has a fine lady friend. Here’s a photo of my lady.
PASSERBY: Damn!!!! She got it going on!!! Honeylicious!
SEDRIC: And my mother likes her too, because in addition to being visually appealing, she is a nice person.
PASSERBY: Nice honey, but you’re a mamma’s boy.
SEDRIC: If your mamma looked like Halle Barry, you would be too. Be that as it may, I’m a very well paid mamma’s boy.
PASSERBY: Well, yo mamma’s an auntie Thomassina! A female uncle Tom!
SEDRIC: What did you say about my mamma? (kick, crash, bash, crunch, smash, chop, knock, clash.)
PASSERBY: That wasn’t karate. That was jujitsu — Okanawan style. When I said there was nothing black about you, I take that back. There is something black about you — but only one. You don’t like it when nobody says nothing about yo mamma. Can you tell me… ummm..
SEDRIC: The GPS coordinates of the nearest hospital so that you can heal the damage that I just did to you? I would, but I have an appointment to go to. Oh, and one more thing. Your Theory about Uncle Tom’s cabin has a hole in it — in the roof!!!
CRIPS BOSS: Here’s our man… We have our ID’s ready and we’re ready.
SEDRIC: I’ll be here for 75 minutes. I just hope that that statistical probabability of one of the six of you getting arrested in the next 75 minutes is low so I don’t disappoint my new client.
CRIPS BOSS: Here are our six ID’s. I’ll just lay them out on the table Vegas style — like a fan. Oh, and don’t worry, we alerted the police to your presence, so they won’t bother you.
SEDRIC: You make it so easy.
CRIPS BOSS: What happened to the side of both of your hands?
SEDRIC: I had to take care of some business on the way over here.
CRIPS BOSS: Another appointment on such short notice. I sure like the way you do business. You know something. You should join our operation.
SEDRIC: Not in this lifetime. But, call me if you need a Notary Public, Real Estate Manager, or Okinawan Jujitsu teacher.
CRIPS BOSS: I know you claim to be Okinawan… but, are you Okinawan eee-nuff?
SEDRIC: It’s not me… it’s the Jujitsu that is Okinawan… never mind…
(ring ring)
SAM (White Notary) I just got this job in Beverly Hills. They have good Chinese food here too if you can find a parking spot.
SEDRIC: Good for you. I hope you charged them enough or should I say, “ee-nuff.”
SAM: Oh, I charged them $100. I’m learning from you. But, you’ll never guess what the job is about. There’s a guy from the hood in the Beverly Hills hospital who says he got beaten up by some uppity Notary who thought he was too good for the brotha’s.
SEDRIC: Did he have a huge bruise on his upper right temple?
SAM: Why yes.
SEDRIC: Never seen him before in my life! Just out of curiosity, after you told him about the Chinese food, did he tell you that you weren’t “white ee-nuff”?
SAM: I think he only says stuff like that to you. But, after your little interlude, perhaps from now on he’ll make his flip remarks to people like me.
SEDRIC: It’s a distinct possibility.
.
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Black Notaries vs. White Notaries — comedy edition
EDDIE GRIFFIN: Man, what’s the difference between white Notaries and black Notaries? I didn’t even know there was such a thing as a Notary until I was 19 and had to get a car title notarized. That was six months after I found out that isn’t is another way of saying ain’t. I would just assume that a bruthah would sign more smoothly than a white Notary.
CHRIS ROCK: In an ideal world, a white Notary would witness signatures, but a black Notary would have a body camera to make sure of what he witnessed.
EDDIE GRIFFIN: You’re making the Notary sound like the Dallas Police force. If I were a black Notary, I’d be more worried about being pulled over by the police. “Registration and Notary seal please, you know the drill.”
CHRIS ROCK: Yeah, but if Notaries were really like police, at loan signings, they would say, “Now reach for your ID, nice and slow — no sudden movements.” while they had the borrowers at gunpoint. I can’t imagine a signing like that — unless it happened in Detroit.
JERRY SEINFELD: And if you did a signing by X, if you knew who the signer had been seeing while married to his ex, then you’d know why she became an ex.
EDDIE GRIFFIN: I don’t think that signing by x is exactly like that, but I’m digging the way you think.
CHRIS ROCK: And by the way — black Notary lives matter, especially if they’re listed on 123notary.
JERRY SEINFELD: But, if you’re signing with an X, you didn’t come from the greatest school, unless you’re Malcolm X.
EDDIE GRIFFIN: With my luck, the minute I became commissioned as a Notary and got in my vehicle, within minutes of leaving the county clerk after taking my Oath, I’d probably get my ass pulled over by the Notary Police — but, for what I don’t know.
POLICE: Do you know how fast you were signing, son? Can I see your Notary Seal Please?
EDDIE GRIFFIN: I just got my Notary commission, I haven’t even used it yet. How come you didn’t pull that white Notary over?
POLICE: We don’t judge a Notary by the color of his ink, but by the content of his character.
EDDIE GRIFFIN: Yeah, you’re a character all right.
POLICE: And by the way, the paper might always be white, but the ink is always black which in my opinion kind of evens the score.
EDDIE GRIFFIN: Yeah, some things ain’t never gonna change.
POLICE: We just wanted to make sure you weren’t notarizing by text and driving at the same time. Just a routine check.
EDDIE GRIFFIN: Yeah, stoppin’ brothers. What could be more routine than that?
JERRY SEINFELD: So, what’s the deal with white Notaries?
CHRIS ROCK: Isn’t that redundant? That’s even whiter than Conan O’Brien’s non-tan lines.
EDDIE GRIFFIN: Man, what is it with white Notaries, ya know what I’m saying? I bet a white Notary would go to a signing in his nice family SUV, and he would park on the street just to be polite. And then he would knock on the door being exactly on time and say, “Hi, my name is Mike — I’m white, and I’m happy and I’ll be your Notary today.” I don’t want to white-wash this, but that’s how I see it.
CONAN O’BRIEN: Yeah, I bet if it were a black Notary he would say, “Hi, I’m Jermaine, and I’m the Notary with the smooth conversation. Check out this alligator skin briefcase. And you’d never believe the story behind it. I was down the street at my brother’s house and his kids were playing in the back yard. Then an alligator came out of nowhere — we live in Florida by the way. I rushed out at ninja speed to get those kids out the yard and got there just in time before that gator damn near bit my nephew’s arm off. Then, I drove home a block away and came back with my samurai sword. I bought it in Tokyo during a vacation and had it shipped to me as a decorative piece. I never dreamed that antique sword from the Mei-Jin period that was used by the great Zatoichi would ever be used again for practical purposes. So, I ran into the backyard with my samurai sword and said — hayyyyyaaa!!!! And I done chopped the gator’s jowels off. I sold the meat to a local taco place and had my neighbor make a briefcase out of it.
And… I got the smoothest pens you ever signed with. They’re like butter. These cost $200 and no — you may not keep them. But, enjoy the signing experience, my stories, and enjoy the ride. By the way — my ride is a stretch limo that I have parked outside. We can continue the signing there if you prefer — drinks included, but not until after you finish signing. And remember — sign responsibly!”
CHRIS ROCK: Yo Conan, you rock!
CONAN O’BRIEN: Ha ha, I’m a brutha with some street knowledge! And by the way, you not only rock, you are a Rock!
EDDIE GRIFFIN: Conan’s a brutha now? What????
JERRY SEINFELD: Black, white, yellow, brown, orange – believe me, none of us are happy.
EDDIE GRIFFIN: Brother, you just made me happy to hear that.
.
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