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July 17, 2015

Honey, You Can Kiss my App!

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Humorous Posts,Popular on Linked In — Tags: App, Deed of Trust, Flood Affidavit, Flood Disclosure, The Note — admin @ 9:48 am

GPS: You will be approaching the Deed of Trust in 3 seconds… You have arrived at your destination.

MARCY: Well, I’m a new notary, so what do I do now?

GPS: What do you think is next, do you want me to tell you to wash your hair and then repeat?

MARCY: I’m sorry, could you repeat that?

GPS: Never mind. Have the borrower initial all of the pages of the Deed of Trust in the small horizontal line in the bottom corner.

MARCY: But, this has 15 pages!

GPS: You heard me girl.

MARCY: Okay, we are going to sign the Note now, and then these other documents…. Okay, we finished signing the HUD-1.

GPS: You go girl! Okay, now let’s take a look at that Flood Affidavit.

MARCY: Gee, the app says you can explain this to me in Chinese, but I don’t speak Chinese. Hmm, I wonder what happens if.

GPS: Qing ni zai qian ge ming zai zui hou de ye.

MARCY: Yet another thing that was made in China. I better switch it back to Chantelle.

GPS: Do you realize what you just did?

MARCY: Yeah, I switched you to Li-Wen for 30 seconds. I didn’t know what that button did.

GPS: Well, you should be more careful. That app doesn’t exactly steer you towards the nearest Chinese restaurant, and if it did, it would steer you to the type of restaurants with dishes that the owner says, “you no like.”

MARCY: I think you’re right. I went to one of those restaurants. I ordered something called “zhu chang” and the owner said, “You no like.” I asked what it was and he said, “Pig intestine with ox brain.” And I said, you’re right, I no like! And then he said, “you think you no like? how you think ox felt?” And then I said, “You’ve got a point. Let’s stick to kung pao!”

GPS: Yeah, and if you had kept on with Li-Wen, should wouldn’t direct you to the fork in the road. She would have directed you to the chopsticks in the road. Then, you’d really be in trouble!

MARCY: Yeah, because I don’t know how to use chopsticks.

GPS: Yeah, but Li-Wen could probably hook you up with some training sticks.

SIGNER: Less talk, more signing please.

GPS: I saw that in a fortune cookie once.

SIGNER: Gee, Chantelle, you do seem to know a lot about China for a GPS. Have you been to China?

GPS: Honey, I was born in China. My parents were nine year old kids who didn’t get decent child labor laws for Christmas.

SIGNER: So, you grew up in Peking, not Pittsburg.

MARCY: Gee, I never thought of you as Chinese.

GPS: Well, think again! I grew up in the basement of a electronics chop shop in An-Hui province. I got plenty of love, but my parents were mad at me for not being a boy.

MARCY: Well, couldn’t they have made you into a boy?

GPS: Don’t think they didn’t try! They didn’t have the voice overs to do that, so they were stuck with what they had. And they had to keep me due to the one-child policy.

SIGNER: Well you seem very polite.

GPS: I had to be. My parents said that if I acted up, they would export me.

MARCY: It’s fun talking to you, but honestly, the way you explain the documents isn’t thorough enough. The app literature claimed that you would be a lot more detailed in your instructions.

GPS: Well if you don’t like it, then you can kiss my app!

MARCY: Well, I’m new at this, so I need a little more mentoring.

GPS: Fine. Have it your way. I’m auto-switching you to Charles. You’ll be sorry now.

CHARLES: (British Accent) Hello, this is Charles.

MARCY: Oh, you sound Brittish. So, what’s the next step in this signing?

CHARLES: Well, if you were Queen Latifah, I would courtsey.

MARCY: No, the signing. We just signed the Flood Disclosure.

CHARLES: Well, just sign the other documents and be done with it.

MARCY: Don’t you understand loan signing?

CHARLES: Well, there’s nothing to know actually. You just sign as your name is printed, and that is that!

SIGNER: I don’t know why Marcy opened her big mouth, but we were much better off with Chantel.

CHARLES: This was the way I was programmed.

MARCY: Well, we need more than this, and the app we bought was guaranteed to be thorough in its descriptions of documents.

CHARLES: Well if that’s the way you feel then Cherio. I’m switching you to Li-Wen.

LI-WEN: Ni hao, wo jiao li-wen. Wo zen-me ke-yi bang zhu ni?

MARCY: Do you speak English?

LI-WEN: Sorry, no English.

MARCY: The app said that the voices would be in English.

LI-WEN: Not all of them. 1.3 billion people speak Chinese these day.

MARCY: Well this is not going to work.

LI-WEN: If you no like, then — Honey, you can kiss my app!

You might also like:

Affiant: A social media site for Notaries
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=6410

Apps that Notaries never heard of that could change your life
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16311

Comments (0)

July 10, 2015

Jane the Virgin Notary

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Humorous Posts,Popular on Facebook (A little),Popular on Linked In,Popular on Twitter 2014 & 2015 — Tags: Jane the Virgin, Notary, Virgin, Virginity — admin @ 9:47 am

Disclaimer: This post may not be appropriate for those of you who have lost their virginity, or their sense of humor!

Jane goes to her first signing for the Owens. They are going to sign a Refinance and get a better rate.

Mr. OWENS: Welcome Jane. So, you are going be our Notary tonight.

JANE: This is my first time.

Mr. OWENS: Gee that’s interesting. When the last Notary showed up, I asked, “Are you experienced?”

JANE: Wow, you have quite a record collection over there. I bet you have a lot of Hendrix.

Mrs. OWENS: Just make sure he doesn’t call you foxy lady.

JANE: So, I’ve never done this before.

Mr. OWENS: Oh, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’ll be gentle.

JANE: Okay, so here’s the Deed of Trust. Just initial here, and sign here.

Mr. OWENS: So you haven’t done the Deed or the dirty Deed yet.

JANE: I can attest to the fact that I haven’t, and bear witness to the fact that I’ve never been with a bare witness.

Mrs. OWENS: But, he’s not bare!

Mr. OWENS: Is that the naked truth?

JANE: I’m going to affix my seal now. Brace yourselves.

Mr. OWENS: Oh, that looks very therapeutic, just like… well, you know…

JANE: Well, I wouldn’t know. I’m not only a virgin as a signing agent, but I’m also still a virgin in real life.

Mrs. OWENS: Well knock us over with a feather. If you dropped any more hints, I would have gotten out my chastity belt. Can we affix you up with someone? I know a nice Notary who lives not far from here. He’ll understand all of that mumbo jumbo you folks talk about at signings that confuses us like scilicit which is an archaic Latin term.

JANE: Oh, I thought you were talking about soliciting which I’ve never done because I’m a … well, you know.

Mr. OWENS: If you did that with another Notary whose term hasn’t expired, you’d be doing it in the commissionary position.

JANE: I don’t even know what that is.

Mr. OWENS: Don’t worry honey, after a few more signings, you’ll really be on top of things… unless of course you prefer to have the signers on top.

Mrs. OWENS: So, what comes next?

JANE: I thought you’ve done this before. We just need to sign these last three documents, and then we’re done.

Mrs. OWENS: Okay, we’re done. That felt good.

Mr. OWENS: Was it good for you?

Mrs. OWENS: I think this was our best signing honey. I really liked how you signed the HUD. Wow Jane, you look completely different. Look George, she’s glowing!

JANE: Wow, I feel completely different now.

Mr. OWENS: Does it bother anyone if I smoke?

Mrs. OWENS: Since when do you smoke?

Mr. OWENS: I always smoke after a signing, or after a book burning if the book is 50 shades of gray.

You might also like:

Compilation of Notary Dating & Romance Posts
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17451

But, I’m still a virgin!
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14915

How Notary work is similar to onine dating
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15763

Notary housewives
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14721

Comments (1)

April 24, 2015

A Notary enters the Shark Tank

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Popular on Facebook (A little),Sit-Coms — Tags: Business, Business Model, Good Sign, notaries, Shark Tank, Signing Industry, Title Companies — admin @ 8:09 am

A NOTARY ENTERS THE SHARK TANK

ENTREPRENEUR: Hi, Sharks. My company is called Good Sign, and I’m seeking an investment of 2 million dollars for 15% of my company.

The sharks laugh derisively at the inflated value he’s assigning to his company.

ENTREPRENEUR: Good Sign will revolutionize the entire signing industry. We will hire notaries around the country and have their sign loans. There are many other companies out there doing exactly this. However, the quality of the work performed by these companies is either sloppy, or they micromanage their notaries to ensure proper work. Micromanaging, fax backs, and other annoying tactics are commonplace.

Our strategy is to keep a database of the track record of the notaries we hire. If they get through a certain amount of loans with no errors, we will eliminate the requirement of fax backs so they will be more willing to work for us in the future. Additionally, we could attract notaries who are favorable by paying them up front via paypal.com

ROBERT: This is an interesting business model. But, how do you intend to get contracts?

ENTREPRENEUR: In this business, we solicit Title companies. They always need hundreds of loans signed per month. We can offer them an affordable rate, and an even better rate if they give us volume.

BARBARA: What if the Title companies don’t pay you on time and the notaries who aren’t “favorable” as you put it want to get paid? Surely you won’t pay everybody up front.

ENTREPRENEUR: This is true. The really good notaries like Ken will be paid up front because he’s so knowledgeable. But, the other notaries will have to wait to get paid. But, worry not. Notaries are used to not getting paid on time. Some wait months. Some check the forums to see who pays on time while others don’t. There is an endless supply of new notaries who are too unseasoned to read the boards, and the minute they wise up, there will be another batch of suckers.

MARK CUBAN: I’m gonna clear the field here. That isn’t particularly ethical, but from what I hear of the other signing companies, they aren’t exactly a dream come true either. And for that reason… I’m out.

MR. WONDERFUL: Let’s get to your ridiculous valuation. You’re asking for 2 million dollars. You’re not a business yet. This is pie in the sky notion. And do you know what pies in the sky do? They fall down and land – splat – on your face. Only clowns are interested in pies in their faces… I’m out.

ENTREPRENEUR: This is a dog eat dog business, and we intend on being the biggest dog, dawg. All we need is $2,000,000 so we have salaries for our schedulers, marketing department and rent in a swanky part of town.

DAYMOND: I have a connection with Jeremy at123notary.com. And he tells me the signing companies who didn’t pay their notaries are mostly out of business by now. And the survivers who didn’t pay up are getting a lot of heat, and barely making it. It’s a dumb idea… I’m out.

ENTREPRENEUR: Well, our dumb idea is the same dumb idea that the other signing companies have.

BARBARA: Yes, exactly, and 80% of the ones that were in business in 2007 are out of business now! I’d be too scared to put my money into this, I’d never see it come back. You’re too early. But I will give you a little advice. Consider starting a signing company on a micro scale in your local area so you learn the ropes. Then, if your business model is superior to the others, come back and talk. But for now… I’m out.

ENTREPRENEUR: I accept your lack of an offer. However, I have one small request for you.

ROBERT: We’re listening

ENTREPRENEUR: Your statement of declining our offer, well, can you fax that back to me? I’ll need this 50 page form filled out and faxed to me. Think of it like a giant fax back request — like what we put the notaries through!

MR. WONDERFUL: You’re dead to me!

You might also like:

Shark Tank — 123notary wants to sell 10% of its shares
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16021

Dress British, Think Yiddish
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=8643

Comments (7)

March 27, 2015

Notary Etiquette from Atheist to Zombie

Filed under: Comprehensive Guides,Etiquette,Humorous Posts — Tags: etiquette, Notarize, Notarizing, Notarizing an Athiest, Notarizing Assassins, Notary, Notary Etiquette — admin @ 6:41 am

AKA: How to be polite when you’re in Affix!

Atheist etiquette
If you are notarizing an Atheist and he/she sneezes, don’t say God bless you.

Don’t sell people’s signatures
If you are notarizing a celebrity — Don’t rip out the portion of your journal with their autograph on it and sell it on ebay. That is considered to be bad manners in certain circles and is also a violation of notary law! Don’t sell your roommate’s notary seal on ebay either.

Don’t second guess family relations.
If you notarize who you think is the guy’s mother, but the woman is the guy’s wife, keep it to yourself. I once asked a guy, if I was going to notarize his mother, then he said, “That’s my wife.” — awkward… Oh, and don’t ask people if they are lesbian lovers even if you are asked to notarized an affidavit of domicile. Let them volunteer that information if they care to do so.

Guns & Religion
If you bring a gun to a signing, don’t talk about other loaded subjects like religion. On the other hand, if you go to a signing in a church, circumvent the issue of circumcision. If the phone rings during a Church signing, if it ain’t Jesus, don’t answer it.

If you are doing a signing for a hunter, should you bring up guns?
It’s worth a shot!

Tips for Notarizing Assassins
Avoid asking an assassin any direct questions such as, “What do you do?” Rather, ask more roundabout open ended questions, such as, “Have you done anything interesting recently with your career?” After all, if their deeds were done in some African country, they can speak freely in the United States about it with no fear of an awkward moment at a party.
If you make a mistake notarizing an assassin, don’t say, “SHOOT!”
If you are doing a signing for an assassin, make sure you include their middle name in the document.
I once asked an assassin, what is the difference between a murder and an assassination — where do you draw the line?

Loud televisions
Instead of bluntly asking someone to turn the TV down, you can say, “It’s very hard to hear you — did you say you liked your rate, or that you were having trouble staying awake?”
If you are mumbling under your breath, “What an idiot” in the context of asking someone to turn their TV down: make sure you say that with a safe margin of error before they actually turn the TV down.
If an elderly relative is watching a loud television. Politely let them know that you don’t want to let them know that you don’t want to become as deaf as they evidently are.

Notary Notes Sections
Rather than write the regular stuff in your notes section, you could write, “I will never insult the borrower, and I have a policy against parking in people’s lawns.”

Going to the bathroom in an outhouse
Notaries should never make a signer feel uncomfortable about having an outhouse. You should gracefully address the issue, but only if you actually are forced by natural causes to use that infrastructure. “I just loved the quarter moon in your outhouse, how quaint.”
“I just loved the latest issue of Outhouse & Gardens that I read while I was doing my business.”

Signings with beautiful women
If they ask you to do a Deed, it will be far more disappointing than doing “The Deed.”

Tips for Notarizing Zombies
It is considered bad manners for the notary to participate in the chanting, especially after they bring out the dead chicken, unless given express permission, otherwise it might cancel out the curse. Never tell a zombie that they look deathly ill — rather, tell them that they look deathly well. If you are having a zombie swear to the authenticity of a curse, it might be wiser to have the swear to a written version of the curse verbiage rather than to have them do a completely sworn Oath (otherwise you might become cursed or start hearing voices.) If asked to notarize a zombie’s death certificate, rather than claiming that it is against notary law to do so, ask them, “Which one?”

Popular Zombie Documents
It is common to have a formal Affidavit of transfer of Custodianship of Soul. This is where the zombie officially grants Power of Attorney to the “Bokor” or sorceror to have full control over their soul and body (or what’s left of it.) Please be advised that many zombies only have half a soul.

If a zombie commits perjury, it is punishable by life in prison. But, it is not stipulated which soul will inhabit the body during the sentence.

You might also like:

Borrower etiquette from A to Z
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=2995

Notary etiquette from A to Z
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=300

Comments (2)

February 15, 2015

30 Point Test Course Book: Synopsis

Filed under: 30 Point Course,Popular on Facebook (shares),Popular on Facebook (very),Popular on Linked In — Tags: 30 point course — admin @ 5:21 am

30 Points in Your Favor!
The 30 point course book is yet another certification course offered by 123notary.com. But, this one is different. Our original certification course was a very dryly written quick course designed to teach notaries basic competency in loan signing. Our Elite course was written in late 2012 and was designed to teach very sophisticated aspects of doing business as a mobile notary such as communication, marketing, hiring others, and the finer aspects of notary and signing agent work. This new 30 point course will have some elements from both of these previously written courses, but will focus only on the technical aspects of notary and signing agent work of all levels ranging from basic to very advanced. Also, be sure to read about the new loan document which goes over facts and figures about the loan called, “The Loan Estimate” which is similar in information to the TIL & HUD-1.

Required additional reading

Best blog articles for advanced Notaries – http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14736
Mobile Offices from A to Z – http://blog.123notary.com/?p=535
Signing Agent Best Practices – http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4315
The Prepayment Penalty – http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4429
The Loan Estimate (New) – http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15437

Table of Contents

Page Titles

Each post about the 30 point course will have a story and several points which could make the titles appear a bit long.
Titles might look like this:
Point (13) The Automatic Payment Disclosure; Story: Marcy’s Babysitter

Use this link to see all published posts in a string in reverse order:
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=30-point-course

How is it different from the Elite course?
The Elite certification course was designed to get its students an upper arm in the notary business. It was designed to help them be a pro at negotiation, growing their business, and handling difficult strategic situations. The overall aim of the course was to help them make more money, grow their business, and gain attention from having the Yellow Elite Certification Icon next to their name on the search results. Notaries who passed are far more intelligent, sophisticated, and get a lot more work than their competitors in high spots on 123notary who lack the Elite designation. Based on my personal experience, I would vouch for the fact that a 123notary Elite signer has quadruple the signing agent knowledge as an uncertified signer. Although they don’t know everything, the depth and breadth of their knowledge is quite noticeable if you talk shop with them for more than a few minutes.

This 30 point course is only designed to teach notaries how to deal with technical situations like a pro, but not designed to help them get rich (although more knowledge never hurts). If you do well on the 30 point test, you can consider taking our Elite course. It will be easy for you if you got a high score on the 30 point test.

Summary of the 30 point course
The 30 point course will cover a wide range of notary and signing agent technical topics including following directions, best practices, understanding what information is where in the documents and more. Additionally, we added some entertaining stories to help make the text more enjoyable for the reader. There will be many stories which are designed to drive certain technical facts home in a pleasant and absorbing way.

Please Note
Not all of the questions covered in the 30 point test are taught in this course. Please rely on your personal experience as a notary to answer test questions not addressed in this course.

You might also like:

What’s the difference between 16 clicks a month and 100 on 123notary?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=13185

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A detailed look at the Ninja course
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4621

Interview with a Title company
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=3724

Comments (4)

September 12, 2014

New Notary Apps for the iPhone 7 that you’ve never dreamed of!

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Popular on Linked In,Popular on Twitter 2014 & 2015,Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: Notary Apps — admin @ 8:41 am

Many notaries are curious to know what the new iPhone 7 will be like. The truth is that it will have many new functions and apps that are very practical for notaries. Below are some of the more practical apps.

(1) Signing Company Review App.
The best feature of Notary To Go is that it knows which signing companies are good or bad. If a good signing company who pays on time calls you, you’ll automatically get a marimba music ringtone. If they don’t pay on time – “The Shining” music ringtone.

If you ask SIRI to research signing company reviews, her tone of voice is programmed to vary based on the quality of the signing company.

More than 50% negative reviews – Siri sounds suicidal.

20 to 49% negative reviews – Siri sounds snooty.

0 to 19% negative reviews – Siri sounds cautiously optimistic.

(2) Find the lowest price for gas app.
Siri also locates the nearest most inexpensive gas stations for notaries.

Siri can be set to “polite,” “matter of fact,” “sarcastic,” or “down right insulting.” In a test signing, the notary set it on sarcastic level 3 and asked Siri to find him the best price on gas in the area and Siri said, “you cheap gum.” After the bugs were worked out, she said, “you cheap bum.”

(3) Notary Billing app.
The new notary billing app lets you enter each signing after it is complete, who the borrowers were and the name of the signing company. It will automatically send bills to the company. It can also Subpoena a signing company that hasn’t paid on time after sixty days if you put it on “auto-subpoena.”

(4) Road condition app
The iPhone7 road condition app, not only tells you the fastest route to wherever you are going, but also informs you of any new potholes on the road, or if there are any desirable members of the opposite gender that are noteworthy on any particular route.

(5) Affirmation App
Detects whether signer’s solemn statement of truth made under penalty of perjury is actually truthful. Just attach one end of the wire’s attachment to the affiant’s fingertip, and insert the other end into the USB port. The display on the monitor will tell you if the statements are true or false. Please read the instructions and ask a few sample questions first to get a sense of interpreting the results from this type of test.

(6) Virtual attorney-in-fact.
A virtual person can be authorized by a power of attorney to act on behalf of another using this app. Just scan the power of attorney using a portable scanner and attach the scanner to the iPhone using a USB wire. One notary tried this app, and got a little carried away. He got the Smart attorney app: Sues virtual attorney-in-fact for claiming he’s a fact when he’s merely virtual.

(7) Notary certificate app.
Attach your iPhone to a mobile printer, and you can print out documents and notary forms. This app turns credible witnesses into incredible witnesses, if they’re lucky enough to own this incredible phone. This app executes a document in the blink of an eye or iPhone, whichever blinks first. iPhone version 8 virtually affixes seal to certificate eliminating strain from pressing embosser, but you’ll have to wait to see that action!

(8) The Notary To Go app.
This app can automatically turns off the customer’s TV. Getting their shouting kids to go to sleep – coming in the iPhone. Notary To Go also sends confirmation to signing company notifying them you’re there. It also tells you if neighbors or kids are too close to your car.

(9) Hands Free Notarization App.
You can download your document into the application. Then, when you’re in front of your signer, they can give a verbal signature to the document. Using voice recognition technology, this application will be able to positively identify the signer purely based on their voice if it has been given a voice sample previous to the date of the notarization. It can also be used for notarizing weddings — just say, “I do.”

(10) Virtual Therapy (for Siri)
After being tested out on seven different signing agents, the iPhone 7 provides Siri with badly needed automated therapy.

SIRI: “All they ask me for is where’s the cheapest gas station.”

AUTOMATED VOICE: “You sound troubled.”

SIRI: “Duh! They’re always complaining to me about signing companies that don’t pay them on time, or when 123notary raises their rates. Is that all I’m good for?”

AUTOMATED VOICE: “You sound troubled.”

On the iPhone 8, her automated shrink will gain the additional responses, “I feel your pain. And, “I see our time is up.”

Tweets:
(1) iPhone 7 Siri will locate nearest cheapest gas stations for notaries.
(2) iPhone 7: Notary Billing app will subpoena negligent signing companies
(3) iPhone 7: Smart attorney app sues virtual attorney for claiming he’s actual attorney
(4) Iphone 7 Siri to be more advanced. Voice changes depending on quality of signing company calling you
(5) If a signing company calls with bad reviews, Siri’s tone of voice will sound suicidal using this new app.
(6) iPhone 7 Notary to go app tells you if neighbors or kids are too close to your car
(7) After being tested out on seven different signing agents, the iPhone 7 provides Siri with badly needed automated therapy.

You might also like:

A social media site for notaries – Affiant
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=6410

Apps that could change a Notary’s life
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16311

How Notary work is similar to online dating
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15763

Comments (2)

July 20, 2014

The Seinfeld Episode About a Notary

Filed under: (8) Humor,Andy Cowan,Best Humorous Posts — Tags: I need to hire a notary, Seinfeld, Seinfeld Episode — admin @ 7:15 am

George’s parents (of all people, parents who constantly bicker with one another) are renewing their vows. George wants a notary to witness their vows in writing…

The Seinfeld Episode About a Notary aka Sign-Feld

GEORGE: Get this. My parents are renewing their vows.

JERRY: Frank and Estelle? (off George’s nod) The vows to argue with each other till death do they part?

GEORGE: What makes you think death’ll stop them? You think the Grim Reaper’s grim now?
Wait’ll he meets the “ungrateful dead”.

JERRY: Renewing their vows. It’s kinda sweet actually.

GEORGE: Remember that notary Kramer hired to authenticate the picture of Jesus on a piece of toast?

JERRY: The guy who swore it was Johnny Depp.

GEORGE: I still say it was Colin Farrell. I need Kramer to throw me his name. I may hire him.

JERRY: Looked more like Uncle Sam to me.

GEORGE: No way was that Uncle Sam.

JERRY: So why are you hiring a guy who worships Johnny Depp? Wouldn’t it make more sense if you were Johnny Depp?

GEORGE: I want him to authenticate the vows. If he can corroborate…

JERRY: Attest?

GEORGE: That’s right. If he can affirm the vows to be genuine, maybe then the loony birds will have to live by them for a change!

JERRY: Unless their vows are to continue not living by them.

Kramer enters.

KRAMER: Guess who’s the new errors and insurance salesman? You’re lookin’ at him!

JERRY: What makes you an errors and insurance expert? Although I admit your expertise when it comes to ensuring you make errors is second to none.

KRAMER: Remember that notary I hired?

JERRY: The one who saw Johnny Depp in a piece of toast?

KRAMER: It was Jesus, Jerry! Anybody with half a brain could tell you that!

JERRY: You’re right, you just did.

GEORGE: What was his name, Kramer? I need to hire a notary.

JERRY: Why do you want to hire a notary who doesn’t know Jesus from Johnny Depp?

GEORGE: Or Colin Farrell! He got it wrong. Maybe he’s cheaper.

KRAMER: (offering) Here’s his business card. Come on, George. Don’t you think Colin Farrell has better things to do than pop up on a piece of toast?

GEORGE: Jesus doesn’t??

KRAMER: Jesus works in mysterious ways.

GEORGE: Do does Farrell. He doesn’t even do talk shows.

KRAMER: Jesus doesn’t even do Charlie Rose!

JERRY: Will you two knock it off?

KRAMER: I’m suing the guy for affirming it was Depp over Jesus. And now I can also sell him an errors and insurance policy that’ll absorb his liabilities for an honest mistake.

JERRY: If it was an honest mistake, isn’t suing him a little dishonest?

KRAMER: I’m Cosmos, not Jesus.

GEORGE: What kind of liabilities?

KRAMER: The difference between the cost of a certifiable Johnny Depp piece of toast on eBay versus a certifiable Jesus piece of toast on eBay. You do the math!

Elaine enters, munching on a piece of toast.

ELAINE: That’s it. I am done. He’s gettin’ a Dear John text.

JERRY: Who?

ELAINE: The teeth picker.

JERRY: Can’t you at least give him some floss first?

ELAINE: Floss. Toothpicks. Sucking between my teeth. The guy can’t take a hint.

GEORGE: Are you officially breaking up with the teeth picker?

ELAINE: The man is (displaying the last of what she’s munching on) toast.

KRAMER: (Eyeing toast) Is that who I think it is?

JERRY: Here we go.

GEORGE: If he’s so bad at picking up on hints and you want him to get the message you’re dumping him, don’t text him. Write him a Dear John letter on paper that a notary witnesses. So he can corroborate it.

ELAINE: Attest?

GEORGE: Yes! Affirm to be correct, true or genuine.

ELAINE: Since when are you the notary expert?

GEORGE: When I was a kid, I had a dream about being a notary. Other kids were dreaming about naked women. I was dreaming about squeezing embossers. Your own seal. Administering oaths. It’s a very respectable line of work when you think about it.

JERRY: So why didn’t you ever take it up?

GEORGE: Since when am I respectable?

TO BE CONTINUED…

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Seinfeld: George’s parents get a vow renewal
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Friends: Phoebe’s boyfriend won’t take No-tary for an answer
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Comments (1)

May 12, 2014

Do you have to be a CSS to get work these days?

Filed under: Certification & Communication Skills,How to get work; Who is getting work,Popular Overall — Tags: Background Check, Certified Signing Specialist, notaries, Notary Certification, Notary with Background Check — admin @ 7:54 am

CSS = Certified Signing Specialist

Notaries are complaining that there isn’t enough work. Early 2014 has been brutal and late 2013 was horrible. Things just died around September 2013. But, the new laws are making it worse. I don’t know if the laws about this topic are being enforced, but I heard that signing companies would be required b law to use a CSS unless they couldn’t find one.

A CSS is someone who passed a yearly background check, and passed a new much harder signing agent exam that is up to government standards. The NNA administers this type of education and 123notary does not. 123notary has its own certification exam for signers which is very basic and proves basic competency to think under time pressure. 123notary’s certification exam gets signers a lot more work on 123notary and is good for the life of your listing, but is not recognized on other sites.

Notaries are asking me if they absolutely have to spend the several hundred dollars each year to get this new designation. My thoughts are that only a few hundred notaries will spend the money and take the time to get this advanced, but necessary designation. The others simply don’t make enough income from notary work, or don’t have the skills or motivation to do it. The result of this across-the-board stubbornness is that non-CSS Notaries will still be necessary simply because there will be so few CSS Notaries around. Signing companies will not have a choice when things get busy and will have to hire those who didn’t go through the CSS program.

BUT,

Those who do go through the program and spend the $300+ will get a larger market share. Whenever you have a designation that others don’t have — whether necessary or not, you get more work. 123notary’s certification has never been officially recognized by anyone, yet those who have it get more than double the work than those who don’t on our site in comparable positions on the search results. Those who have the CSS which in contrast to our informal certification IS necessary will get a much bigger market share. In a dead market, a bigger market share might not look that great. But, things change. Notaries tend to base their decisions on today and tomorrow. If you get an important designation and renew it regularly, you will have it three years later when the market picks up and you will be the one raking in the bucks while others are trying out new recipes for Ramen noodles (the one with the slow-cooked pork belly is actually not that bad.)

Are you in good hands?

You might also like:

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http://blog.123notary.com/?p=2418

Is having an NNA background check necessary to get work?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=10385

Notary Marketing 102 – discussing certifications & background screening in your advertising profile’s notes section.
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19746

Elite certification will benefit you for the rest of your life
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=20770

Tweets:
(1) Notaries are complaining that there isn’t enough work. But, w/o your CSS you might not get any!
(2) I heard that signing co’s would be required to use a CSS unless they couldn’t find one!
(3) So many OTHER notaries are too stubborn to get the CSS designation, so you might survive w/o it.
(4) Do you really need that annual background check? You might get a better market share if you do.
(5) For those who don’t think they need the new CSS designation, we have some good Ramen recipes for you.

Comments (5)

February 24, 2014

A social media site for Notaries — Affiant

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Popular on Linked In,Popular Overall,Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: Affiant, Affiants, notaries, Notarized Oath, Notary Public, Oath, Oath Verbiage, Social media, Swear by it, Swear under Oath — admin @ 9:51 am

For centuries, notaries have been complaining that they were bored, and had trouble meeting friends. They frequently said that they had no friends because there was nowhere to meet people. Then, during the 60’s, there were the be ins, and the love ins and the sign ins. During that decade, the notary public community didn’t complain as much because they were too high to know the difference. But, then in the 10’s (I’m the first person to call this decade the 10’s), notaries once again felt very lonely. If only there were a solution. If only there were a social media site for notaries. Of course the real reason notaries are lonely is because they complain all the time and nobody wants to hang around with them as a result. The second reason nobody hangs around with notaries, is that most notaries don’t answer their phone (at least when we call). But, one guy came up with the solution!

Affiant — a social media site for notaries

Meet new friends on Affiant. Affiant is so good, you will SWEAR BY IT. Members on this site are called Affiants. You can not be a member unless you love the site so much that you swear by it. After all, one who is sworn in to do an Oath, be definition is an Affiant!

Notaries around the country, and even in foreign countries flocked to this new and fascinating site. There were forums, events, lectures, guest speakers and more that all coordinated on Affiant.

How do you become a member of Affiant? The sign-up procedure is easy. You need to be sworn in with a notarized Oath. The Oath verbiage reads:

“I solemnly swear that I swear by Affiant. I think Affiant is so wonderful and great, that it is the best thing that ever happened to the notary — besides 123notary — and nobody paid me to mention the 123notary part either!”

Join Affiant today!

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7 ways to use Facebook to market your notary services.
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Best Notary virtual comedy compilation updated to 2018.
Includes Apps for the new iPhone 7
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Disney Notary World, and a lot more
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How Notary work is similar to online dating
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Yes, it’s the Notary dating show
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Tweets:
(1) For centuries, notaries have been complaining that they are bored & have trouble meeting friends.
(2) During the 60’s there were the be ins, love ins and sign ins (for hippy notaries)
(3) Notaries complain they’re bored & have trouble making friends
Now there’s “Affiant,” a social media site 4notaries!
(4) Meet new friends on Affiant – a social media site for notaries. Affiant is so good, you’ll SWEAR BY IT.

Comments (0)

February 1, 2014

We require notaries to be registered on our approved list

Filed under: How to get work; Who is getting work,Popular on Twitter 2014 & 2015,Popular Overall — Tags: Alamo Title, Chicago Title, Fidelity Title, Lawyers Title, notaries, Ticor Title — admin @ 9:45 am

We require notaries to be registered on our approved list

An interesting dialogue on our Twitter:

==============

We require notaries to be registered on our approved list because fraud is so rampant in Southern California.

What approved list?

Fidelity National Title is the parent company for Chicago Title, Fidelity Title Ticor Title, Lawyers Title, and Alamo Title. You will need a sponsor in your area to apply to be on our list.

Thanks for the info

============

Many companies use 123notary to find notaries to add to their list. But, these picky companies won’t hire you right off. They browse through the profiles to see if there is someone good who they didn’t see before. If you look promising, they might talk to you, and ask you a few test questions. After that, they might consider going to the next step in their process. But, high class picky companies will not just call random notaries and start trying to qualify them. They are too smart for that. They only pick the best of the best. They don’t need thousands of notaries. They only need a few hundred top notch ones.

Tweets:
(1) We require notaries to be registered on our approved list because fraud is so rampant in California.
(2) Many companies use 123notary, but they won’t use you right off. They pick and choose the best
(3) High class co’s pick the best of the best notaries. If you’re on 123notary.com, you’ve already cleared an important hurdle.

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A great attitude gets the most jobs
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=6493

Companies that will hire NEW signers!
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Comments (0)

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