My short blog about a bar only for cool Notaries took off. The comments were great, and people really liked it. It really needed to be longer, but I didn’t realize it would be so popular. I’m just wondering what would people talk about at a Notary bar?
NOTARY: I’ll have a Manhattan… put “New York” County in the venue though. Manhattan is not a legal name for a county.
JEREMY: Just for my records, do you do other counties too?
NOTARY: Call me back during business hours. Can’t you see I’m having a drink, or trying to?
BARTENDER: Can I see some ID?
NOTARY: I ID you, you don’t ID me…. I’m the Notary. Besides, look at this gray hair and arthritis… Okay, he’s giving me the look. Here is my ID.
JEFF: Hey baby, is that a stamp in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
MAY: I’m supposed to say that dummy. You’re so dumb I bet you work exclusively for signing companies who low-ball you.
JEFF: Hey hey hey, that was a low blow. We all have needs. Would you like to sign my journal where all the other hot ladies have?
MAY: I thought I was the only one! Hey, I ordered a Reverse Mortgage on the rocks, and I need it yesterday — so backdate it!
BOUNCER: Sorry, maam, but I need to hook you up to the coolometer to see if you are cool enough to hang out here.
MAY: I’m too intoxicated to drive, so I’m in big trouble if I don’t pass.
JEFF: Better hook me up to the laughometer, this chick is funny!
JEREMY: Hey bartender, if Jim Beam wants to be notarized as Jim W Beam, but his ID says Jim Beam, can you notarize him under the circumstances?
BARTENDER: If he’s over 21, I’ll notarize him. I had John Hancock come in here, and guess what he did.
JEREMY: I don’t know… did he sign something?
MAY: John Hancock ate something that didn’t agree with him, but said not to worry, because — he said — he had a good CONSTITUTION!
BOUNCER: I would like to declare my independence. All of you are cool tonight. I’ll see who is coming at the door.
BARTENDER: How come “Margarita” doesn’t have a last name? How do you notarize someone with just one name.
JEFF: Hmmm, I had a guy named Fink once in a bad neighborhood. Real story. That was his first and only name. No surname. Bizarre. Not a wealthy person just for the record.
JEREMY: I’ll have a Black Russian
MAY: Don’t you mean an “African American Russian?”
JEREMY: Comrade please, you think I’m trying to hear that? Oh hell Nyet…. helllll nyet!!!
JEFF: Okay, dos-vidanya… actually it is late so tres or cuatro-vidanya baby!
BARTENDER: How did Mary get bloody? Was it one of those dangerous notarizations?
MAY: Maybe it was that time of the month.
JEREMY: Yeah, the notary business really picks up at that time of the month.
JEFF: Not that time of the month. It’s a different — that time of the month.
JEREMY: Yes, but if you call notaries about their listing at that busy time of the month they get cranky.
MAY: Oh, so now we can get cranky at two times of the month. Being a woman just isn’t what it used to be.
BARTENDER: Since this is a Notary bar, did you know there is a wine called Notary Public from California’s mid coast region.
JEREMY: I knew that — I’ve had it many times. Great wine, a little pricy though.
MAY: I hope they didn’t charge more than the state maximum per signature.
JEREMY: They charged $20 per signature — I mean per glass. Ouch. But, when I had it, I started going into that zone — like a haze, like after you have some French wine, life is like a dream.
MAY: And you started dreaming about notarizing sexy girls on the banks of the Rhone?
JEREMY: Actually, after a glass of Bordeaux at a local spot I started fantasizing about being in the rolling hills of Bordeaux. That thought came to my head as I gazed into the distance in a relaxed state. Ah, the joys of wine. And it all happened at my favorite place in Los Angeles — Farmer’s market.
JEFF: Before I go, does the Farmer’s daughter hang out there?
JEREMY: Yes, but she is not old enough to get notarized…
BARTENDER: And not old enough to do a whole lot of other things too I bet.
MAY: You have to be 18 before your signature is legally binding, and 21 before your drink at a bar is legally binding. That’s one thing you won’t want to backdate!
BARTENDER: I once went out with a chick on a backdate. It was fun, we did everything in reverse.
JEFF: Oh, so you like it in reverse.
BOUNCER: You have a good sense of humor, I’d like to hook you up to the “coolometer” just to get a reading….. oh…. 7, not bad. Better than Jeremy. He only got a 6 which is still passable.
MAY: So, who got a 10 for coolness.
BOUNCER: A guy in New York. But, he never shows up. He’s studying four different languages and has a million different interests. I wish he would come her. I wish for that matter I could bounce people in as well as bounce them out.
JEREMY: Now there’s a thought. What about taking a course on how to raise our coolness level so we’ll be prepared when you hook us up to the coolometer.
BOUNCER: Didn’t you write an article on Bad Boy Notaries? Just read that article again and again — I think that will raise you at least a point right there.
JEFF: Okay, this time I’m really going…. and as always — stay cool and… don’t drink and sign!!!
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A bar only for “cool” Notaries
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