Jeff came over to Brian’s house. But, Brian wanted to see some ID. Jeff said, but we’re friends!!! Brian says, sorry, it is a force of habit. You know how we Notaries are.

Then Sarah came over and said, “Don’t I owe you money?” Brian said, “Could we put it in writing?” Sarah said she already did. But, Brian wanted her to sign it again. He wanted a “wet” signature.

Later on Jen went shopping with Brian. Brian said, “Check out this steak.” Jen asked, “Is it certified?” Brian said it was. Then Jen asked, “By which agency is it certified? I’m NNA, Fidelity, Old Republic, Notary2Notary, and Blueprint certified.”

Once again — “Notaries will be Notaries.”

What about you? Do you have any weird quirks because you are a notary?

Many Notaries worked for First American Title during the Trump administration. But, now that Biden has taken over, America Last Title has had phenomenal growth in market share.

But, I’m not worried. If American banking goes South, we can always rely on the Bank of China to bail us out! I’m tempted to say that we’ll already be eating Xiao-Leng-Bao and Jian-Bing, but I already am, and found a great place in Rowland Heights in a food court. Hand made and Shan-Dong province style. Love it.

Somehow I think that the majority of Americans want America to fail. But, when they can’t afford to eat or pay bills, they will reconsider. By then it will be too late. But, they can still get a job at America Last Title… maybe.

How can you enjoy Halloween to the fullest this year as a Notary?

1. Scare people by not wearing a mask.

2. Scare people like me by telling me that you don’t take vitamin D — to me that’s even worse than sneezing during a pandemic.

3. Dress up like a Covid virus with the little spikes, etc.

4. Dress up like Fauci. I am more afraid of him than anyone at this point. I start screaming when I see him.

5. Scare people by telling them what their oil bill will be this winter due to Bidenomics, hyperinflation, and his ban on many types of domestic drilling. Trump had a big mouth but we never had trouble like this under his leadership.

6. Tell people that you are not the real Notary, but that you stole someone’s seal and notarized their document with it. (you might get arrested for that one)

7. Tell people that if they are bad, they will be reincarnated into a Notary Signing Agent — oh no, anything but that!

8. Go trick or treating and tell them that you will be hanging around there for a while because your doordash pizza delivery was booked using THEIR address.

9. You could use the new environmentally friendly shaving cream cans to vandalize someone’s property. Once again, you might be arrested for that, and for good reason. On the other hand, if they just ran out of shaving cream, they might appreciate that.

10. Knock on someone’s door with a really scary costume. Then say, “You think this is scary? Not as scary as Kamala’s performance managing the border. Speaking of which, I might be a cartel member who sneaked in, or a Taliban member. They can just waltz on in now.” Then they will say, “Not with that lack of an accent, you don’t scare me.”

11. Knock on someone’s door with a broken border wall, and some kids dressed up like Osama Bin Ladin who jump through the hole in the fence. That will make a statement regardless of which side of the political fence you are on.

12. Dress up like a Notary seal. Make the costume yourself. Just make sure you don’t leak ink, unless that is part of the gag.

When I have new notaries on board, I normally give them a welcome call. I asked one guy what his professional background was. He told me he was a Notary for a month. I told him that a month doesn’t constitute a professional background, but that a 20 year teaching background would. Then he said that he was a Real Estate intern for half a year. Finally, I asked him, “Are you young?” I forget that young people don’t have a professional background or necessarily know what one is. But, if they keep having a boring and dull life going into the office, they will attain one in 10 short years. But, what about being a waiter?

WAITER: Welcome to Mel’s Diner, can we interest you in a drink?

CUSTOMER: I’ll have the jackhammer.

WAITER: Can I see some ID?

CUSTOMER: I’ll sign the journal, but I won’t thumbprint.

WAITER: Hmmm. So, what’s your sign?

CUSTOMER: I’m a Leo.

WAITER: So, you were born, July 28th, 1997.

CUSTOMER: You are trying to trick me. I was born the 29th.

WAITER: I wasn’t trying to trick you. I have bad eyesight. And I don’t use a journal because my state doesn’t require waiters to use a journal.

NOTARY: You sound like a Notary in one of those states that doesn’t require journals. But, when you get busted by the FBI and the journal is your only evidence that you weren’t involved in a serious act of fraud, you could get put in jail or end up in court forever.

WAITER: Good point. What if someone orders an illegal drink with a fake ID, I don’t keep a record of it, and he gets in his car, runs someone over, and I get blamed. That “journal of official waitorial acts” could be my only defense.

CUSTOMER: I never thought of that. You know, you CAN thumbprint me. I even brought my NNA thumbprinter.

NOTARY: Are you a Notary too?

CUSTOMER: Not yet, but I’m going to become one, and I’m learning something right here about being a Notary. It can be a dangerous job if something goes wrong.

NOTARY: It’s like driving. It’s safe 99.9% of the time, and then something unusual happens and then only your seatbelt can help.

WAITER: Many people don’t like precautions unless they sound like Covid-19 precautions — then they like endless restrictions and precautions.

CUSTOMER: If I were running this joint I would say — you can have that jackhammer, BUT ONLY if you sign this journal. But, you can’t sign the journal unless you wash your hands three times and say hail Mary, and then walk around in a circle counter clockwise, use a sanitized pen, and then sign it wearing an N-95 facemask.

NOTARY: How about sound effects. If someone orders a jackhammer, shouldn’t that come with sound effects. Maybe get some sampling?

WAITER: How about this? “Chu chuh chuh chuh chuh…… HEY SULLY, we’re that pipe you brought ovuh? chuh chuh chuh chuh …. WHAT? I CAN”T HEAR YOU. I got my ear plugs on.”

CUSTOMER: Wow, that changed the whole customer experience in an even better way than those meaningless restrictions.

WAITER: Sully says he likes the part about the hail Mary as you go around three times.

NOTARY: Is Sully a real person?

WAITER: He’s real to me! So, let me guess. Would you like to try a virgin Notarita?

NOTARY: Sounds great, but the drink sounds underaged. I don’t want to get in trouble.

CUSTOMER: It’s okay, the drink has been aged 21 years. We just need to make sure that you are of proper age and sound of mind.

NOTARY: Here’s my ID. Wow, this is like life in reverse.

WAITER: So you could notarize that drink because it’s old enough.

NOTARY: It’s age is passing, but it doesn’t have an ID.

WAITER: But, it does have a signature — in fact it’s our signature drink.

NOTARY: In that case, that makes it okay. So, honestly, are all of your clients as interesting as us?

WAITER: Some are a lot more interesting. But, it’s hit and miss, especially the ones who forgot their ID.

My short blog about a bar only for cool Notaries took off. The comments were great, and people really liked it. It really needed to be longer, but I didn’t realize it would be so popular. I’m just wondering what would people talk about at a Notary bar?

NOTARY: I’ll have a Manhattan… put “New York” County in the venue though. Manhattan is not a legal name for a county.

JEREMY: Just for my records, do you do other counties too?

NOTARY: Call me back during business hours. Can’t you see I’m having a drink, or trying to?

BARTENDER: Can I see some ID?

NOTARY: I ID you, you don’t ID me…. I’m the Notary. Besides, look at this gray hair and arthritis… Okay, he’s giving me the look. Here is my ID.

JEFF: Hey baby, is that a stamp in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

MAY: I’m supposed to say that dummy. You’re so dumb I bet you work exclusively for signing companies who low-ball you.

JEFF: Hey hey hey, that was a low blow. We all have needs. Would you like to sign my journal where all the other hot ladies have?

MAY: I thought I was the only one! Hey, I ordered a Reverse Mortgage on the rocks, and I need it yesterday — so backdate it!

BOUNCER: Sorry, maam, but I need to hook you up to the coolometer to see if you are cool enough to hang out here.

MAY: I’m too intoxicated to drive, so I’m in big trouble if I don’t pass.

JEFF: Better hook me up to the laughometer, this chick is funny!

JEREMY: Hey bartender, if Jim Beam wants to be notarized as Jim W Beam, but his ID says Jim Beam, can you notarize him under the circumstances?

BARTENDER: If he’s over 21, I’ll notarize him. I had John Hancock come in here, and guess what he did.

JEREMY: I don’t know… did he sign something?

MAY: John Hancock ate something that didn’t agree with him, but said not to worry, because — he said — he had a good CONSTITUTION!

BOUNCER: I would like to declare my independence. All of you are cool tonight. I’ll see who is coming at the door.

BARTENDER: How come “Margarita” doesn’t have a last name? How do you notarize someone with just one name.

JEFF: Hmmm, I had a guy named Fink once in a bad neighborhood. Real story. That was his first and only name. No surname. Bizarre. Not a wealthy person just for the record.

JEREMY: I’ll have a Black Russian

MAY: Don’t you mean an “African American Russian?”

JEREMY: Comrade please, you think I’m trying to hear that? Oh hell Nyet…. helllll nyet!!!

JEFF: Okay, dos-vidanya… actually it is late so tres or cuatro-vidanya baby!

BARTENDER: How did Mary get bloody? Was it one of those dangerous notarizations?

MAY: Maybe it was that time of the month.

JEREMY: Yeah, the notary business really picks up at that time of the month.

JEFF: Not that time of the month. It’s a different — that time of the month.

JEREMY: Yes, but if you call notaries about their listing at that busy time of the month they get cranky.

MAY: Oh, so now we can get cranky at two times of the month. Being a woman just isn’t what it used to be.

BARTENDER: Since this is a Notary bar, did you know there is a wine called Notary Public from California’s mid coast region.

JEREMY: I knew that — I’ve had it many times. Great wine, a little pricy though.

MAY: I hope they didn’t charge more than the state maximum per signature.

JEREMY: They charged $20 per signature — I mean per glass. Ouch. But, when I had it, I started going into that zone — like a haze, like after you have some French wine, life is like a dream.

MAY: And you started dreaming about notarizing sexy girls on the banks of the Rhone?

JEREMY: Actually, after a glass of Bordeaux at a local spot I started fantasizing about being in the rolling hills of Bordeaux. That thought came to my head as I gazed into the distance in a relaxed state. Ah, the joys of wine. And it all happened at my favorite place in Los Angeles — Farmer’s market.

JEFF: Before I go, does the Farmer’s daughter hang out there?

JEREMY: Yes, but she is not old enough to get notarized…

BARTENDER: And not old enough to do a whole lot of other things too I bet.

MAY: You have to be 18 before your signature is legally binding, and 21 before your drink at a bar is legally binding. That’s one thing you won’t want to backdate!

BARTENDER: I once went out with a chick on a backdate. It was fun, we did everything in reverse.

JEFF: Oh, so you like it in reverse.

BOUNCER: You have a good sense of humor, I’d like to hook you up to the “coolometer” just to get a reading….. oh…. 7, not bad. Better than Jeremy. He only got a 6 which is still passable.

MAY: So, who got a 10 for coolness.

BOUNCER: A guy in New York. But, he never shows up. He’s studying four different languages and has a million different interests. I wish he would come her. I wish for that matter I could bounce people in as well as bounce them out.

JEREMY: Now there’s a thought. What about taking a course on how to raise our coolness level so we’ll be prepared when you hook us up to the coolometer.

BOUNCER: Didn’t you write an article on Bad Boy Notaries? Just read that article again and again — I think that will raise you at least a point right there.

JEFF: Okay, this time I’m really going…. and as always — stay cool and… don’t drink and sign!!!

You might also like:

A bar only for “cool” Notaries
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22546

Are you a bad boy Notary?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22380

I’m not sure what Jerry Seinfeld would say about social distancing, but I will try to tune into his consciousness and figure it out.

JERRY: What’s the deal with social distancing?

GEORGE: Well, for one thing you can’t do stand up any more?

JERRY: Well that would defeat the whole purpose of Covid-19.

GEORGE: I fail to see the logic here.

JERRY: The jokes! Imagine all the joke material I could get out of this disease. I want to milk it for what it’s worth.

GEORGE: Milk it!!! Yeah! Don’t you feel guilty taking advantage of a very sensitive situation when there are so many vulnerable (hurt tone of voice.)

JERRY: No… I really don’t. It’s not my job to be responsible for other people’s health. Just as long as I don’t cough on them… I feel I’m off the hook.

KRAMER: Oh, you’re on the hook Jerry. You are so on the hook.

JERRY: Hey Kramer, have you noticed that you are five feet and nine inches from me?

KRAMER: Why, is that a problem?

JERRY: Yeah, it kind of is. Could you over three inches further?

KRAMER: Sure. Better? Wow!!! I feel so much better. I had no idea that would feel that good. Let me do it again. Move in 3 inches, move back 3 inches. Wow!! I’m being safe! I feel safety tingling all the way down my body.

GEORGE: Enjoy the feeling while it lasts. I felt safe once… yesterday. The feeling went away fast. The thought of my unpaid bills caught up to me. Maybe dying of Covid would be nice. I wouldn’t have to worry about my bills anymore. I’d just cough my way to heaven.

JERRY: I think I kind of like social distancing. I don’t wanna be around most people anyway… Nah… Most people are annoying.

KRAMER: Not Clara. There’s nothing annoying about her. I’m seeing her tonight. Yeah! We’re going to have a Covid date!

JERRY: Oh. So, if it gets hot and heavy are you going to use protection?

KRAMER: Of course, I brought extra face masks, one for her and one for him. To me this is like sex karma. Usually it is the man who has the burden of wearing the protection, but now it’s both of us. Yeah!

GEORGE: For once the universe has evened itself out. I feel a deep sense of relief.

JERRY: You know something Kramer. When you backed up 3 inches… I didn’t feel anything. If you were twenty feet away that would make me feel safe, but not six feet. It’s an imaginary number.

GEORGE: Imaginary? No, it’s backed by science.

JERRY: Kind of, but someone just arbitrarily picked the six foot rule.

GEORGE: It’s kind of like my rule, the 3 second rule.

JERRY: Yeah yea yeah, do we have to go back to that one, you embarrassed me so bad when you went through the trash at that party. I can’t even look at Elsie any more after that. But, on the other hand with social distancing I can’t anyway.

GEORGE: Very true, very true. But, my rule is completely arbitrary too. You have to draw the line somewhere.

JERRY: Oh God. Draw the line, I’d like to draw your line. You don’t go in the trash period. It doesn’t matter how many seconds.

GEORGE: Well then maybe you should go next to people either. Maybe your principle cross-applies. Maybe we should meet everyone on Zoom.

JERRY: Now that is where I draw the line. I don’t zoom.

ELAINE: Not even if someone is Zoom-worthy?

JERRY: Nobody is Zoom-worthy. Hey, I gotta go.

GEORGE: So, any verdict on the whole social distancing thing?

JERRY: I’m comfortable with ten feet. Also arbitrary, but that number just sits well with me. Ten. Just speak up a bit. What? Just kidding. Gotta go.

JERRY: Hey, how’d you like to become a remote online notary?

GEORGE: I’m not even remotely interested.

JERRY: Hmm, sounds like you’re not a good candidate.

GEORGE: Well what’s involved.

JERRY: Well for one, I’m going out on a limb here, but I would assume that you would need to be remote.

GEORGE: You mean I would have to go to Wyoming? I’ve always dreamed of going to Yellowstone, but living there?

JERRY: AND, you’d probably have to be online.

GEORGE: Oh, no, I’m right here — nothing virtual about me. I’m the real deal. You can touch my arm… No really.

JERRY: I think I’ll pass. But, if you got in trouble as an ONLINE NOTARY, your career would really be ON THE LINE.

GEORGE: I like that. That was a classy line.Or maybe if you got in trouble, you would be OFF THE LINE, kind of like laundry that’s in trouble. Offline. Right?

JERRY: Maybe. And the third qualification is that you have to be a Notary.

GEORGE: What is a Notary. I don’t think I’ve ever met one.

JERRY: Oh you’ve met one.. more than one. Elaine used to be a Notary. She never talked about it much.

GEORGE: GET OUT!!! (pushes Jerry) You know, let me get a sense of how this notary thing works. I’m going to look it up on my iPhone… huh… ohhh…. Online Notary and more… This is going to be good. I’ll call them right now.

SALLY: Online Notary and more, this is Sally. What are you wearing?

GEORGE: What do you mean what am I wearing. This is an online Notary service, right?

SALLY: I’m wearing something really short with black nylons. I’m sliding my online seal slowly up my leg.

GEORGE: Just out of curiosity is that a physical leg or a virtual leg?

SALLY: Oh, it’s real baby. Now, I’m slowly sliding off my left nylon.

GEORGE: Your left or my right.

SALLY: It’s mine, not yours. Okay, let’s get to business. How do you want it?

GEORGE: I want an online notarization.

SALLY: You will need an online ID and an online document. Do you have both of these?

GEORGE: Umm. (pause) No.

SALLY: You’ll need online payment too.

JERRY: I think you’re unprepared. Better see what is going on by visiting one of those online Notary portals. Maybe they will explain the process. Let me have the phone. Sally, it was nice. George isn’t ready for this yet.

SALLY: Maybe when he’s a little older, at least in cyber maturity.

GEORGE: Once again, thanks for the vote of confidence. But, I learned something today. I am an in person type of guy. Yup. That’s what I am . I know what I am and I’m proud of it!

I don’t think that Julius Caesar was a Notary, but they had Notaries in Rome, and Rome is one of the ancestors of American civilization along with Greece, Israel, Sumeria, France, and England. It is interesting to know that our culture derives originally from Iraq. I wonder what Saddam would have to say about that. They invented the clock with 12 hours and 60 minutes, etc. This silly story is about the American version of Julius Caesar and I got the story as close to the real story as it can possibly be in modern America if you over look the fact that Americans normally drink champagne in hot tubs and not sangria… details.

Julius started his career in escrow in Missouri. Things were good until he went on vacation to the Caribbean and got kidnapped by pirates. He escaped by the grace of God after having a seizure, and then bought a slave who was an expert in Greek philosophy to teach his beloved daughter. He brought the slave back to Rome, Missouri where he lived in this fictional blog article. Think of this as a modern day Julius… you know… with the straight cut bangs… not really my style, but it works for him.

He continued his career while his slave educated his daughter in the classics, and then a terrible tragedy happened. His wife died, and he was devastated.

Disclaimer to the Black Lives Matter movement… The slave was a white guy who looked Greek and thought Greek. So, that makes it okay… I guess…

Meanwhile in Julius’ home town of Rome, Missouri, the mayor made some law changes that allowed him to kill anyone who he claimed was a threat to him. Since Julius was honest and said he would kill the mayor on a whim, the mayor let him live. Then the mayor made his collegue Pompey kill someone else otherwise he would have someone kill Pompey. The citizens of the town had had it, and Pompey poisoned the mayor, and the mayor died in a hot tub. What a scandal. But, on a brighter note, there were no prostitutes involved, so that makes it less bad.

Julius was so stressed out by the situation, he had a seizure. Maybe we should call him Julius Seizure since he had seizures, not Caesars. On the other hand, the Caesar salad works for many people, so perhaps we should leave the name as is.

After that, Julius decided to become a Notary and do some conquering. He conquered the business from all Escrow companies in towns with French names in the midwest. Since that area used to belong to France, there were plenty. He spent eight years conquering what he called France or Gaul, and developed a business so huge, he had to hire many to help him. He spent most of his time away from home wooing more new clients and rarely returned home.

Finally after conquering the Gauls in the French named towns, Julius returned to his home town only to find that Pompey and his colleagues wanted to kill him due to a disagreement about some local political decision they were lobbying local government about. Julius hired a bodyguard, and later learned that Pompey had been killed at an Egyptian restaurant several hours Southeast of their town — that was famous for lamb kabobs and belly dancing. Julius went to the Egyptian restaurant and inspected the severed head of his rival that the Pharaoh kept for him in a basket. He then returned to his hometown.

His new wife had a terrible dream that the windows came open, lots of wind came in, and that she found his body covered in blood in the bed. Julius disregarded the dream. Then a wise elder said, “Beware of the Ides of March.” Julius went to town hall to take part in a political discussion. The friends of the late Pompey were there and stabbed him to death.

After the stabbing, someone mentioned to the old man, “The Ides of March have already come.” The old man said, “Yes, but they haven’t left yet.”

So, this is the Notary version of the story of Julius Caesar. My parting words are —

“He who lives by the seal, dies by the seal.” and
“All roads lead to Rome, MO” (yes, it exists, but few roads actually lead there)
“When in Roam (on your cell phone coverage) do as the Roamers do!”
“A great Notary business isn’t built in a day, but if you work on your notes section, at least you are giving yourself a chance.”