I’m not sure what Jerry Seinfeld would say about social distancing, but I will try to tune into his consciousness and figure it out.
JERRY: What’s the deal with social distancing?
GEORGE: Well, for one thing you can’t do stand up any more?
JERRY: Well that would defeat the whole purpose of Covid-19.
GEORGE: I fail to see the logic here.
JERRY: The jokes! Imagine all the joke material I could get out of this disease. I want to milk it for what it’s worth.
GEORGE: Milk it!!! Yeah! Don’t you feel guilty taking advantage of a very sensitive situation when there are so many vulnerable (hurt tone of voice.)
JERRY: No… I really don’t. It’s not my job to be responsible for other people’s health. Just as long as I don’t cough on them… I feel I’m off the hook.
KRAMER: Oh, you’re on the hook Jerry. You are so on the hook.
JERRY: Hey Kramer, have you noticed that you are five feet and nine inches from me?
KRAMER: Why, is that a problem?
JERRY: Yeah, it kind of is. Could you over three inches further?
KRAMER: Sure. Better? Wow!!! I feel so much better. I had no idea that would feel that good. Let me do it again. Move in 3 inches, move back 3 inches. Wow!! I’m being safe! I feel safety tingling all the way down my body.
GEORGE: Enjoy the feeling while it lasts. I felt safe once… yesterday. The feeling went away fast. The thought of my unpaid bills caught up to me. Maybe dying of Covid would be nice. I wouldn’t have to worry about my bills anymore. I’d just cough my way to heaven.
JERRY: I think I kind of like social distancing. I don’t wanna be around most people anyway… Nah… Most people are annoying.
KRAMER: Not Clara. There’s nothing annoying about her. I’m seeing her tonight. Yeah! We’re going to have a Covid date!
JERRY: Oh. So, if it gets hot and heavy are you going to use protection?
KRAMER: Of course, I brought extra face masks, one for her and one for him. To me this is like sex karma. Usually it is the man who has the burden of wearing the protection, but now it’s both of us. Yeah!
GEORGE: For once the universe has evened itself out. I feel a deep sense of relief.
JERRY: You know something Kramer. When you backed up 3 inches… I didn’t feel anything. If you were twenty feet away that would make me feel safe, but not six feet. It’s an imaginary number.
GEORGE: Imaginary? No, it’s backed by science.
JERRY: Kind of, but someone just arbitrarily picked the six foot rule.
GEORGE: It’s kind of like my rule, the 3 second rule.
JERRY: Yeah yea yeah, do we have to go back to that one, you embarrassed me so bad when you went through the trash at that party. I can’t even look at Elsie any more after that. But, on the other hand with social distancing I can’t anyway.
GEORGE: Very true, very true. But, my rule is completely arbitrary too. You have to draw the line somewhere.
JERRY: Oh God. Draw the line, I’d like to draw your line. You don’t go in the trash period. It doesn’t matter how many seconds.
GEORGE: Well then maybe you should go next to people either. Maybe your principle cross-applies. Maybe we should meet everyone on Zoom.
JERRY: Now that is where I draw the line. I don’t zoom.
ELAINE: Not even if someone is Zoom-worthy?
JERRY: Nobody is Zoom-worthy. Hey, I gotta go.
GEORGE: So, any verdict on the whole social distancing thing?
JERRY: I’m comfortable with ten feet. Also arbitrary, but that number just sits well with me. Ten. Just speak up a bit. What? Just kidding. Gotta go.
