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January 29, 2011

Two notaries assigned the same job?

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Humorous Posts,Popular Overall 2011,Posts With Many Comments — Tags: , , , — admin @ 7:16 am

Two notaries assigned the same job?
 
There I was, a California notary public in Tustin, CA. I had driven down from Los Angeles to sign a loan for a nice couple in Orange County, California. We were signing away, when lo and behold:  The notary showed up.  He asked, “Who are you?”.  I then proclaimed, “I am the notary”.  Then, he said, “That’s impossible, I’m the notary!”.  “No you’re not!”.  “Yes I am”.  “Am NOT!”. “AM TOO!…”  Okay, let’s be honest, the “am not am too” part never happened.  I’m embelleshing this signing agent dialogue. The couple was just staring in confusion.  The wife was displaying the exact same mannerisms as a cat watching a dangling string.  He head rotated to the left and looked at me, then head rotated to the right and looked at the other notary, then back at me, and back at him…. Hmmm.  What is going on?
 
The Signing company hired two notaries?
How could they! After all of my hard work, they would have the gaul to… Oh… wait a minute, let me call them and straighten the whole thing out. 
 
Ring Ring…..
 
Me – Hello, may I speak to Mary please, this is Jeremy your California notary for the Anderson Signing in Tustin. 
Mary – Hi, this is Mary! 
Me – Hi, Mary, it seems that you hired two notaries for the same job. 
Mary – What? We would never do that
Me – Odd, because as we speak, there is another notary here.  Or, should I say, “A Notarial Triangle”
Mary – Hmmm… Let me call the Title company.
………… ten minutes later
Mary – I found out what happened
Me – Please do tell?
Mary – The title company hired two signing companies to handle this California notary job, and the OTHER signing company sent that OTHER California notary out.
Me – Mmmm.  So, which signing company was SUPPOSED to be responsible for the job.
Mary – We are.  The title company cancelled with the other signing company, but apparantly, they didn’t cancel with the notary.
Me – Oh, no they didn’t!!!
Mary – Oh, yes they did.
Me – This has never happened in my career to date.  And I hope it never happens again. Just make sure that I’m the one who gets paid, although the other one should get a travel fee, don’t you agree?
Mary – Thats between him and the OTHER signing company.
Me – I KNEW there had to be another signing company. I could just tell from the way he was looking at me.
 
So, jokes aside, the other notary left, we finished the signing.  Into the UPS box it went, and off I went on my merry way out of what we affectionally call, “The OC”, and back up the 5 Freeway, or is it the 405 — its been so long I can’t even remember, through Anaheim, Downey, Commerce, and back to Los Angeles where I logged in my transaction and faxed a bill to the signing company.
 
The End!

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Getting what is due! A clever plan!
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One signing – two venues?
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January 28, 2011

Notary Psychic Tarot Card Reading

Filed under: Humorous Posts — Tags: — admin @ 8:18 am

A Notary went to see a Notary Psychic to learn how to do his job better and see what was in store for him. Here is what happened…

NOTARY: Hello. I want to know my future.

CLARA: Spoiler alert: You die.

NOTARY: My nearer future!

CLARA: I predict you are willing to pay $50 cash for this information.

NOTARY: Umm…. I’ll have to pay in you ones because I was planning on going to a strip club and then changed my mind at the last minute.

CLARA: Don’t expect me to give you a lap dance. I’ll reciprocate by stripping off the veil to your future.

NOTARY: Actually I think it’s more like a burka, but that’s fine. So, will I get many Notary clients?

CLARA: Hold on, I am looking into crystal ball. Actually I do not need ball for this one. You must to spend a few hundred to get top spot on 123notary in your local area plus have amazing notes section and many reviews from satisfied clients who tipped you with one dollar bills.

NOTARY: Okay, writing this down… Can you tell me what will happen to me this week?

CLARA: Okay, I use Notary tarot cards… Hold on… I must meditate on this. Okay… this first card has an upside down Notary seal. It indicates that something dubious will happen. Keep eyes open for fake ID from client, especially if he’s teenager asking you to buy him booze. Or is Russian client and I have many of those. But, if you have Russian client refer them to me — they spend mint on psychics.

NOTARY: Interesting. How did you get your name?

CLARA: I am Clara because I am Clara-Voyant.

NOTARY: I should have known. Then again, I’m not clairvoyant.

CLARA: I knew that. Now I get Notary Gypsy card. Notary Gypsy sees future and past, but cannot make sense of the present. This means you will be confused at present-day Notary job, who you did good work for in the past, but will give the client great advice for their future.

NOTARY: I had a client like that last week. As for my clients in the present, too confusing. What about next month?

CLARA: Let’s see. Oh… I got the commission expiration card. That means something in your career will end, but something new will begin. Maybe you’ll stop using SnapDocs and pass the 123notary certification test that you have been procrastinating about for the last several months.

NOTARY: Oh yeah, I keep procrastinating about meaning to do that. Can you look in your ball too?

CLARA: Yes. I think Coca-Cola stock will go up 2 points next week, but it’s not like I have a crystal ball… ooops, actually I do have a crystal ball — forgot! Okay, I am seeing an ancestor of yours who was a Notary in Slovakia. He wishes to guide you in your career. Ooops, it’s actually someone else’s ancestor. Damn this cheap crystal. That’s the last time I bid for a used crystal on ebay! Okay, I use my old crystal from Russia, it’s cracked, but Gypsies use it for generations. Just never mind crack on left. Okay! You will sign a Power of Attorney.

NOTARY: Duh, you don’t have to be a psychic to know that!

CLARA: I predicted you’d say that. You were a Notary in a past life in Japan. It’s the last time someone bowed to you… Wait… Wait… I’m seeing something else. You worked for the court of the emperor and pleased him. He made you to very high position. It is your destiny to rise to high position in this life too as a result of past life karma.

NOTARY: Oh! What kind of high position will I get?

CLARA: Hold on… I am seeing Attorneys… Yes… Attorneys with lots of money… and lots of power.. Wait a second, isn’t that what I just said. Power of Attorney.

NOTARY: No, you said Power of Attorney, but now you are saying Powerful Attorneys.

CLARA: What is difference?

NOTARY: Let me use your tarot card deck. Oh, what a surprise. I got the Notary card with a seal stamping a document that says, “It’s time to learn English, honey!”

.

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Psych Notary Episode – did the body die of food poisoning or was it murdered?
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The secret to happiness? It’s all in your mind!
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My bad karma from testing people by phone
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January 27, 2011

You know you’re a notary when…

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Humorous Posts,Popular on Linked In — Tags: , , , , , — admin @ 10:52 am

You know you’re a Notary Public when…

(1) You go to a bar and ID the bartender before he has a chance to ID you.
(2) You ID every girl you date even when their high school yearbook is over 18
(3) You like Oreo cookies because they’re embossed.
(4) Your favorite ice cream is from Jen & Sherry’s, Rescinded Rum Raisin
(5) You background screen your golf buddies before going out into the course with them
(6) You have a bumper sticker that says “I’d rather be signing”
(7) You spend so much time with your GPS that you make Siri sign a prenup.
(8) You spend so much time with your GPS that you know all of its most intimate pieces of information such as favorite foods, birthdays, favorite roads, and mother’s maiden name.
(9) You become famous, people ask for your autograph and you’d rather have theirs
(10) Your mailbox and inbox are cluttered by twelve different notary organizations.
(11) Your Jewish son meets a nice Jewish girl and you ask, “Is she a notary?”
(12) Your favorite seafood is squid because it never needs an ink refill.
(13) When you get your parking validated, you rip the stamp out of the person’s hands so you can stamp it yourself.
(14) You comment, “Gee, your hairstyle doesn’t match your ID,” when you meet someone at a bar.
(15) You compliment people on their signatures — “Gee, that’s a lovely cursive.”
(16) You take pawprints of the animals in the neighborhood just in case they get lost.
(17) You spend your spare time last weekend writing a letter to the State of Nevada criticizing them for allowing drivers licenses to be valid for 20 years.
(18) When you go to court (for whatever reason) you correct the bailiff’s Oath wording.
(19) You wear a T-shirt saying, “I’m not your husband’s mistress, I’m the Notary!”
(20) You have an NNA towel that you take to the beach (if such a thing exists)
(21) All guests entering your house must personally appear before you and sign the journal, put a date and time, plus reason for entry.
(22) Your favorite California wine is the Notary Public Cabernet – You’d swear under oath it’s the best vino there is if you weren’t busy slurring your notary verbiage
(23) When your friend asked you, “Can I turn left here?” You respond, “I am not an Attorney and may not answer legal questions or perform loan signings in the state of Georgia. I am just a Notary.”
(24) When you go to cocktail parties and people ask what you do you respond, “Next question.”
(25) When you go to a bar, you always order their signature drinks.
(26) When someone asks how old your young children are, instead of measuring their age in weeks or months, you measure it in fractions of a commission. Oh this one? Judy? Yeah, we got her during my 2nd commission. But, Fred over here we’ve had since before I was commissioned at all. He must be getting old now.
(27) You ask your Jewish friends if they need their kid’s Bar-Mitzvahs Notarized.
(28) If your friend invites you to a party and then calls you to change the venue, you offer to initial the change.
(29) You have a bumper sticker saying — Warning, I brake for Mortgage Brokers.
(30) You have another bumper sticker saying — Notary on Board
(31) You have a happy hour menu with special prices for Jurats.
(32) Your favorite Chinese restaurant has fortune cookies that read — He who backdate live long life, but have short commission.
(33) You have a special credit card that gives double miles if you stay at The Notary Hotel
(34) When you see a girl with a nice tan, you comment that she must have used a lot of toner to get that look.
(35) When you go out for steak you only get certified Angus steak.
(36) When charitable organizations send you 500 labels with your home address on it, you throw them out as you prefer to use a customized stamp.
(36) Your favorite movie was — Honey, I Notarized the Kids.

.

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Notary Aptitude Test
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You know you’re a good Notary when you…
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14912

30 point quiz: Jeopardy
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14557

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Notary Sushi Bar

Filed under: Humorous Posts — Tags: , , — admin @ 10:51 am

Just for the record, I just went to a new sushi bar at Universal City Walk. I have to go there to visit the Zen Oxygen Bar. I lose a lot of energy unless I get my O2 from time to time. My regular spot at Panda Inn closed down, so I was off to try a new place. Right next door there is a spot owned by a famous celebrity chef. I mentioned that this chef could come up with a novelty chocolate dessert that is shaped like a hockey puck. They could call it “Wolfgang’s Puck.” I’m sure it would be a top seller.

I just tried a new chicken stir fry dish at this new sushi bar. It was great. But, I asked them what it would be like it their restaurant was a Notary sushi bar. They had no idea.

The Multi-State Miso Soup
This was the best I’ve ever had. And it comes with it’s own rider you have to sign before enjoying the soup. The kelp in the soup was top notch as well.

Embossed puck shaped sushi anyone?
Instead of sushi rolls, they had sushi that was the size of silver dollars and embossed. It was more of a raw fish sandwich with embossed rice on the top and bottom, and spicy tuna in the middle. Hard to dip into the Signature Soy Sauce and “Witness Wasabi” mixture.

Scilicit Soy Paper
Then, there was the Scilicit Soy Paper so flat, you could write a venue on the top. State of California, County of Los Angeles.

Subordination Soba
For noodle dishes they had Universal Udon and Subordination Soba. I got used to the idea of cold noodles, and soba is a national favorite of Japan. Lean buckwheat noodles! You can’t go wrong! The Thai’s have a dish called “Drunken Noodles” while the Japanese have “Soba.” The question is, which noodle dish should you have first? Yesterday, I had monsoon noodles. That is what Natalie Thai calls their drunken noodles. Either way, they are one of my favorite Thai restaurants.

Subscribing Sake
One shot of this and you might be under the table. But, honestly, Korean soju is much more potent than sake any day. I can’t handle it!

Kim Jong Eel Roll
Tired of politics, and just want to eat? This will be the perfect culinary solution to your problems. It has a California roll with eel, eel sauce, and tempura flakes, plus a little kim-chee on the side. Hence the name, the Kim Jong Eel Roll.

Ousama Bin Latte
After your meal, if you want to wash it down with some coffee, consider a Ralph Macciato, Frank Sumatra, or their special Ousama Bin Latte.

Good Faith Green Tea Ice Cream
Forget about tempura ice cream. That is a novelty that never worked. But, green tea ice cream by itself, or with banana egg rolls really does the trick.

I’ll skip the last part about flood zone fortune cookies.

.

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Sam’s Notary BBQ
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Scribbles: A Notary Comedy Club
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Lakota Notary Woman

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:19 am

Perhaps you have seen the film entitled Lakota Woman. Well this blog is about Lakota Notary Woman. She does her Notarizations the tribal way.

SHELLY: Hi, I need something notarized?

LAKOTA NOTARY: Well you have come to the right place. But, I must inform you. We do our notarizations the Lakota way.

SHELLY: Is that something your state notary division requires?

LAKOTA NOTARY: Not exactly. It’s not prescribed and not prohibited. The sun dance on the other hand was illegal for a long time.

SHELLY: Well today’s not that sunny so it shouldn’t be a problem. In any case, here is my document. It is an Affidavit of eye witness. I witnessed a crime taking place and the police wanted me to have this notarized.

LAKOTA NOTARY: Hmmm. Okay, could you sign it in my presence. We need to do a Jurat if you want an Oath with this Affidavit. But, you are the one who chooses what notary act you want. So… would you like a Jurat or something else?

SHELLY: Just as long as it has your stamp.

LAKOTA NOTARY: Yeah… about that. Ummm. How can I explain this to a “wasicun.”

SHELLY: Is that the name for us now? I believe in being politically correct and prefer to be called a “Wasicun-American.”

LAKOTA NOTARY: It means one who is not from our tribe who robs us of our resources. But, because you are paying me, you are giving resources to our people. Hmmm. We’ll have to find a new name for people who meet your description.

SHELLY: How about “Human Being?”

LAKOTA NOTARY: More like, “Human from other tribe who pay us cold hard cash.”

SHELLY: That has kind of a ring to it.

LAKOTA NOTARY: Okay, anyway, politics aside, and with our people, politics is never aside by the way, please sign the document.

SHELLY: Here ya go!

LAKOTA NOTARY: Would you like to swear under Oath or affirm on your honor? Buffalos prefer Oaths but dogs prefer affirmations… oh yes they do, isn’t that right… isn’t that right?

SHELLY: I’ll stick to an Oath.

LAKOTA NOTARY: Okay, do you solemnly swear that the contents of this document are the truth, so help you the great spirit?… That’s what we call God around here. It’s a Lakota thing.

SHELLY: I do.

LAKOTA NOTARY: Now…. in our culture, we don’t stamp documents, we do a stampede. WE believe we are the descendants of buffalos. So, I will do a buffalo stampede on your document.

SHELLY: That might tear the document. The police might not like that

(Lakota Notary lady puts on her buffalo outfit… does tribal song and dance to tape recording of buffalos stampeding. Takes toy buffalos and stampedes them across the document and then stamps the document.)

LAKOTA NOTARY: This is a ritual of our people to honor our ancestors the buffalos. Plus we like playing the drum, buffalos and dancing. But, I gave you the 20 second version because I know how you busy people are. But, there is one last thing we do during our buffalo style notarizations.

SHELLY: What is that?

LAKOTA NOTARY: We end it with a buffalo slider burger with green chili from our Zuni brothers from the South in New Mexico.

SHELLY: Oh, yummm. This is good, and just the right size. Thanks, and I’ll call again if I need to be stampeded… I mean notarized.

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January 26, 2011

George Lopez Gets Notarized

Filed under: Humorous Posts — Tags: , , , — admin @ 11:36 pm

ANGIE: Now, you know the notarization is due at work in two days. We need to get a Notary here.

GEORGE: Okay, okay, okay. I’ll do it. Call someone from 123notary.com. They’ll send someone. And have them send someone who speaks Spanish.

ANGIE: But, you speak perfectly good English.

GEORGE: I know, I know, but if I offer them some chips and salsa de chile arbol after the notarization, if they speak Spanish, they won’t give me funny looks.

CARMEN: Everybody gives you funny looks.

GEORGE: Now, you watch your mouth Carmen. You remember who put you here on this planet.

VIC (Angie’s father) : It is so ironic, that he could put you here…. on this planet… when he himself is from an entirely different planet…

ANGIE: Where are you going in such a hurry?

VIC: I have a hot date with my 27 year old girlfriend. We are going to a five star buffet. Don’t tell her anything. She thinks I’m not a day over fifty-five…

ERNIE: I brought my mobile internet. Look, you can get 123notary.com/m right on my iphone. You never know when you need a Notary.

GEORGE: Funny you should mention that. I need a notarized affidavit, contract, and deposition tambien!

ERNIE: All of that? I hope they give you a package deal and throw in some tickets to the Lakers game too for what they are going to charge.

CARMEN: Do they have notaries who are cute?

BENNY: Yeah, I’ll settle for a younger guy, maybe around forty… who doesn’t drink too much, and doesn’t have any neck tattoos. Or at least not too many.

(the next day…)

NOTARY: Boy, the traffic here is terrible. George, you have all the documents we talked about right?

GEORGE: (shows up in white beard and looking 80 years old) Yes, I’m ready to notarize my son’s permission to go on a trip form.

NOTARY: I thought I was notarizing George.

GEORGE: Just kidding. Here I am and here is my ID.

NOTARY: You really had me there George!

GEORGE: That’s nothing. Check out what I got from one of the guys at Whole Foods. It’s the new thing in fashion for those in the food industry. A beard net!

NOTARY: Tan Loco George! But, I like it!

.

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Woody Allen gets notarized
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January 25, 2011

Notary Housewives

Filed under: Humorous Posts — Tags: , , — admin @ 11:42 pm

You’ve heard of Mafia housewives, Mid-Western houswives, well now there’s Notary housewives.

WIFE #1: Honey, I thought we talked about that before.

NOTARY #1: I know, I know, I know. I was supposed to do this a month ago. Get an inkless thumbprinter so I don’t come home with ink all over my hands.

WIFE #1: The NNA sells them for only about $16. Just do it. And while you’re at it, don’t forget to take out the garbage — it’s stacking up.

NOTARY #1: So, are you still mad at me?

WIFE #1: About taking late night jobs? It’s not that. I just want to know where you are. It makes me feel uncomfortable that you’re with strange women at all hours of the night.

NOTARY #1: For your information, they’re not strange. And there are men too who I notarize.

WIFE #1: You notarize men too?

NOTARY #1: Of course I do. Men have notarial needs too. Didn’t you know that?

WIFE #1: Well, I’d just be more comfortable if you would call and let me know where you are and what you’re doing.

INTERVIEWER: I’d like to ask the other wives what type of issues they’ve had with their husbands. How about you Samantha. Tell us your story.

SAMANTHA: I met him five years ago. I thought he was the best guy on earth. I wasn’t bothered by the fact that he was a Notary. I didn’t know that had a stigma to it. It took me a year to find out why. We were at this party. They had a BBQ, kids, families. We were just hanging around mingling. It was nice. I liked it. That is the way weekends should be. Then, Bob got a call. I couldn’t believe it. And he actually answered it. It’s Saturday — how can you answer a business call on a Saturday? He told me the whole deal about how he had bills to pay. I said, your bills can wait. Enjoy yourself. They offered him $100 to come out and sign a few documents. So, he asked if I wanted to come with him. I foolishly said yes. It was horrible sitting there watching the entire family there fight while he signed some contract documents for them. I don’t see how he can handle that type of life. So, after we finished driving and doing the job, it was too late to go back to the BBQ. I wanted to make new friends. But, instead, I drove around town with my mobile notary boyfriend who I later married. Since then, it has only gotten worse.

INTERVIEWER: I’d love to learn how it got worse. But, we’re running out of time. I want to hear Gwen’s story. Gwen, tell us what happened last week with your Notary husband.

GWEN: You wouldn’t believe what happened to me yesterday. I told my husband that I wasn’t feeling like myself. I asked him if he had any suggestions. He recommended that I check my ID to see who my ID said I was. So, I did — and sure enough, I was myself. Then, he said perhaps I should have a separate ID for when I don’t feel like myself to reflect that person. What a nut! Then, I said to him — I feel like I don’t really know you anymore. He told me that I can be either personally known, or proven on the basis of satisfactory evidence. What’s that all about?

INTERVIEWER: It sounds like you’re growing apart. It’s normal for the excitement in a relationship to wear off — especially if that relationship is with a Notary.

GWEN: Tell me about it.

INTERVIEWER: Well, we’re out of time. Tune in next week for another episode of Notary Housewives called Housewives without Mortgages!

.

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Notaries without makeup
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Notary Oscars
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Notary Pick Up Lines Part 1

Filed under: Humorous Posts — Tags: — admin @ 10:39 am

Here are some great notary pick up lines, just in case you ever join a notary dating site.

What’s your sign?
Can I buy you a journal?
So, do you stamp here often?
That’s a nice embosser, is it gold, or gold plated?
Do you shake hands, or shake right thumbprints on the first date?
My signing or yours?
Should we do the signing at my house, your house, or at a Starbucks?
Are you into backdating?
What’s the weirdest ID you ever saw?
I would shake hands, but I can’t because I have a bad case of Notorial Sclerosis.
I just got my expiration date extended, what about you?
Is your APR higher than your rate?
Have you ever hired two notaries at the same time?
Gee, I just love this venue, wonder what county we’re in!
Do you think you could personally appear before me?
I had to initial a form before I could get an open tab!
So, you have ever exercised your right to cancel on a date?
There was a long line at the Fedex station this evening — what a night!
Don’t you hate it when the signer has a middle initial they never told you about?
So, are you a member of 123notary.com? A certified member?

Also see:

Notary Pick Up Lines 2
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=9854

Jane the Virgin Notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14899

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January 24, 2011

Trump — Making American Notaries Great Again

Filed under: Andy Cowan,Best Humorous Posts,Humorous Posts,Popular on Facebook (comments) — Tags: , , , , , , — admin @ 11:14 am

Trump – Making American Notaries Great Again

We’ve heard a lot about Trump wanting to make America great again. But can he make your notary practice great again if it isn’t already? Or have you hit the wall? Or does he have to build the wall and then make Mexico pay for it? He says America doesn’t win anymore. Are you winning? Thanks to NAFTA, Mexican notaries are allowed to enter the United States and perform work as notaries. But because they charge so little, the only way Americans could survive was to build a wall made of used notary seals.

THE DONALD: The notaries love me. And by the way, the notaries love me. I repeat myself a lot. And by the way, I repeat myself a lot.

NOTARY: I’m undecided about who to vote for. Why should I vote for you?

THE DONALD: Our leaders don’t know what they’re doing. I will make American notaries great again. I’m gonna bring notary jobs back to America. I will be the greatest notary jobs president God ever created.

NOTARY: Would you swear to that under oath?

THE DONALD: I will swear to Justice Roberts on a bible on January 20th. Until then, I’ll swear at my campaign rallies.

NOTARY: Well, you have been married three times. You know a lot about witnessing signatures on divorce papers.

THE DONALD: More than Hillary! She’s a disaster. She could have at least left Bill during MonicaGate, but no. She stuck by his side. Pathetic.

NOTARY: Why shouldn’t I vote for Ted Cruz?

THE DONALD: Lyin’ Ted? He wants to shred Iran’s nuclear deal on day one. Shredding signed documents takes away notary jobs. He’d be a disaster as president.

NOTARY: Wouldn’t you need to hire more notaries to witness the signatures on the deal that replaced it?

THE DONALD: Absolutely. And I’m fine with that.

NOTARY: Hold on. A minute ago you said you were against it.

THE DONALD: I’ve evolved. Which is more than I can say for Cro-Magnon Man Cruze. Have you seen his wife? Compared to mine, she looks like a Gargoyle.

NOTARY: Well, I’m still not convinced you’re good for notaries. What about Bernie?

THE DONALD: The Communist? The only time I “feel the bern” is when I pee. Elect him and all the notaries will be getting free health care.

NOTARY: What’s wrong with that?

THE DONALD: Living longer means fewer wills to witness. When I’m elected president, believe me, half the country will jump off buildings. And if they’re lucky, one of mine. You’ll be witnessing will signings till the cows come home. Speaking of which, did you see Lyin’ Ted’s wife?

.

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The 2016 Notary Public Debate
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16006

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A Notary from Florida travels to India

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Humorous Posts — Tags: , , — admin @ 10:53 am

A customer went to a Notary in Florida.

CUSTOMER: I need to be notarized. Can you notarize me?

FLORIDA NOTARY: Sure I can. I just need a document.

CUSTOMER: Here is the document.

FLORIDA NOTARY: You already signed it. I cannot notarize it.

CUSTOMER: That’s not what the law says. Notaries are required to know their state laws. And anyway, you can verify the signature when I sign your journal.

FLORIDA NOTARY: But my state doesn’t require me to keep a journal.

CUSTOMER: What if I give you a fake ID, steal a million dollars from Fred’s house, and then disappear. You are the one who will be the suspect in court because you have no evidence to defend yourself. You became a Notary to make a few extra bucks and now look what happened.

FLORIDA NOTARY: I don’t think I feel comfortable notarizing you.

CUSTOMER: I don’t think I feel comfortable being notarized BY you.

(one month later)

Mr. FIBBS: My house was compromised and I’m out a million dollars. You were the Notary who notarized the transaction. The FBI is investigating and we need to see your journal.

FLORIDA NOTARY: Oh, I don’t keep a journal because my state doesn’t require me to.

FBI: Mr. Florida Notary, please come with us. You are under arrest for identity fraud conspiracy.

FLORIDA NOTARY: But, I’m not in cahutz with anyone. I just notarized a document.

FBI: Yes, but without the journal and a journal thumbprint, you are covering up incriminating evidence which makes you look very suspicious which is why you are under arrest.

Mr. FIBBS: My life is ruined and all because of that damn Notary and the damn Florida Notary Division which doesn’t require the one thing that would have saved my finances — namely a journal with paw prints. Boo hoo hoo. I’ll be in a mess for at least a year and could end up homeless too.

(two days later after paying bail.)

FLORIDA NOTARY: Oh no, my son needs a new kidney and the only place I can get one is in India. I’ll book our flights today and hope I get back in time for my court appearance as a suspect in an identity fraud ring.

RAHUL: Yes, Ms. Frieda Florida Notary Public. We can have your kidney which you have been on a list for two years come in on Friday. It will be no problem. You will need to show up at that Rajeev Gandhi National Hospital in Bangalore on the 3rd. Will that be okay?

FLORIDA NOTARY: Yes, that will be fine.

TAXI DRIVER: Where are you going?

FLORIDA NOTARY: We are going to the Rajeev Gandhi Hospital in JP Nagar in Bangalore.

TAXI DRIVER: That will be 80 rupees. Meter broken.

(ten minutes later there was a terrible crash.)

FLORIDA NOTARY: Oh no, we’ve been in a deadly car crash since we were dodging that elephant to the right and that ox to the left. My son is dead. And this cab has no seatbelts. You Mr. Taxi Driver are responsible for my son’s death because there are no seatbelts in this vehicle.

TAXI DRIVER: Oh no, you see in India, we are not LEGALLY REQUIRED to have seatbelts. So, you see it is not my fault. Accidents happen, what can you do?

FLORIDA NOTARY: Now my life is ruined because of that damned taxi driver and the damned Indian government for not requiring thumbprints.

(coincidentally, the driver carrying the kidney was in the car that crashed into Florida Notary and was also killed because he too was not wearing a seatbelt, and the kidney went flying out the window and ended up on the back of an elephant.)

TAXI DRIVER: Yes, Mr. pharmacist, I need some holistic remedy to a bug infestation in my house. What do you recommend?

PHARMACIST: There is tea tree oil. It is not expensive and microscopic insects are often killed from it.

(the taxi driver uses the tea tree oil and has a horrible reaction to it that ends him up in the hospital for two days.)

TAXI DRIVER: Hey, that oil you sold me is toxic to humans and you did not warn me.

PHARMACIST: The government of India, and coincidentally America does not regulate this type of products. You buy at your own risk.

(meanwhile Mr. Fibbs and his wife move to India since they lost almost all of their money in the identity theft and get exactly the same taxi driver that the Florida Notary did.)

Mr. FIBBS: Taxi! We are going to the Himalayas to live. We lost almost all our money because of this damn Notary. Can you believe it?”

TAXI DRIVER: Was she about 5’10”, dark hair and really annoying, with a thick Florida accent?

Mr. FIBBS: Yes, that was her. Why. Do you know her?

TAXI DRIVER: Never seen her in my life. No just kidding. She was in our car when a bus came out of nowhere and I had to swerve to the left and there was a terrible accident. This type of thing happens a lot in India. Maybe I’m telling you too much.

Mr. FIBBS: Well that woman deserves to die.

TAXI DRIVER: Funny that you mention that. And by the way, what do you do for a living?

Mr. FIBBS: I give investment advice.

TAXI DRIVER: Oh, I know somebody who needs advice at the pharmacy.

PHARMACIST: Yes, Mr. Fibbs. I am wanting to know, which US stocks are you liking?

Mr. FIBBS: You could pick a good index fund, but my favorite is Cola Cola stock. They have a good business model and solid management. I would put most of my money in that stock if I only bought one stock.

PHARMACIST: You saved my life.

(two weeks later coca-cola stock crashes, Mr. Fibbs and his wife decide it is better to be paupers in America then live in India under any circumstances and our characters all meet again.)

PHARMACIST: Mr. Fibbs. You are back. But, I have lost all my money. Coca-Cola stock crashed. You have given me very bad advice. Very very bad advice. You are a very very bad man.

Mr. FIBBS: First of all, Coca-Cola is a very solid company. But, you can’t buy a stock and sell it on a whim under unfavorable circumstances or you could lose your money with any stock. And second, I am NOT LEGALLY REQUIRED to back my investment advice. It is just an opinion and not an intrinsic truth. I am not a psychic.

PSYCHIC: Did someone call? I can tell you your future. You will be broke and die in misery. 50 rupees please. I need a new turban. This one makes me look fat.

ALL WATCHING: Get lost!!!!

PHARMACIST: You ruined my life. You damned investment advisor and your damn American laws not requiring that you take responsibility for what you tell people.

TAXI DRIVER: Well you almost ended my life with that tea tree oil without a warning.

FLORIDA NOTARY: (who came out of nowhere) well you ended my son’s life because you didn’t bother having seatbelts. It wouldn’t kill you to invest a thousand rupees to save someone’s life.

Mr. FIBBS: Well you ruined my finances by not having a journal. It costs $15 to have a journal and another $16 to get a thumbprinter from the NNA. I know this because I was so upset with you that I decided to become a Notary. But instead of being a shoddy Notary, I decided to become the most thorough Notary in the world besides Jeremy at 123notary.com who by the way is an ex-Notary, but a very thorough ex-Notary.

TAXI DRIVER: I guess we all ruined each others lives. Perhaps it is our karma that we should meet under such unfortunate circumstances.

GURU: I have been observing this entire conversation and situation for the last month and it is in deed very karmically perplexing, complex and yet still deeply interesting. I have only one more thing to say.

TAXI DRIVER: What’s that?

GURU: Tag — you’re it!!!!!

.

You might also like:

I was forced to forge my own signature in India
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19306

Indian Notaries having an arranged marriage
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19222

Notary Indian tandoori restaurant
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16497

30 minute Islamic prayer break at a signing & other stories
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16185

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