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December 21, 2018

Genetically Modified Notaries

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 12:27 am

I complained so long about how Notaries would not login to their listing or take tests without complaining, I had to call in a genetic researcher. After several months of petri dishes, lab samples and extensive studies, it was concluded that the problem with Notaries derives from a gene — a single gene.

The name of the gene is the “avoidance gene” which has been labeled as CCR63psa which is in the third chromosome. It is the same gene that is often activated in eighth graders who don’t want to do their homework or obey mommy and daddy.

I was relieved when I found out what the solution was. A simple stem cell injection could reduce the problem. Additionally, the bacteria activated by having regular bowls of miso soup effectually “turn off” the avoidance gene.

The deeper issue is, how do you get people with avoidance problems to get stem cell injections or have miso soup? If they are too lazy to login to their listing, they are probably also too lazy to take action to prevent the avoidance problem. It’s like a catch 22.

In any case, I care about the problem and have been reading up on fermented foods like miso as well. In fact, I went to a Japanese restaurant yesterday and asked if they had soup. They said no. I said, “Me so out-a-here!”

Another issue is that eating genetically modified or highly processed foods is also bad for health which tends to lead to lethargy. So, 123notary recommends fresh fruits and vegetables, fermented foods, eggs from time to time, an ounce of nuts per day, and a reasonable amount of salmon and meat as well. Eating well and spending an hour or more per day walking or working out can help you defeat lethargy with the unfortunate caveat that it requires effort and intention. Hmmm. Maybe we better do involuntary stem cell transfers to solve the problem!

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You might also like:

Notarization for an exorcism
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17451

A Notary sees a UFO
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19929

Notary Space Station
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18920

Notarization in the Trang
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19652

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December 7, 2018

Stormy Daniels accuses Notary of having intercourse with her

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 5:18 am

After the whole Trump fiasco, now Stormy Daniels is accusing a California Notary by the name of John Q. Public of giving her hush money not to talk about the secret affair they had twenty years earlier.

STORMY: You know I’m gonna let society know what you did, you little rascal.

JOHN: Have I been a very very bad boy?

STORMY: I have a little dirt on you that I’m going to hold against you.

JOHN: Just like you held me against you?

STORMY: Not exactly the same way. But, you forgot to put a state in your venue, and that is an omission.

JOHN: Are you saying that I didn’t have any ink in my seal, are you saying that I’m shooting blanks? Because I assure you that I’m fully loaded.

STORMY: Well that’s the problem. You were so loaded you couldn’t do your notarization correctly without drifting off in the middle. You also forgot to administer an Oath on my Jurat. That’s fraud baby, and I’m going to report you.

JOHN: How much more hush money do you want? Actually, my commission’s over, so it doesn’t matter anymore.

STORMY: It does on a felony conviction.

JOHN: That was twenty years ago, so the statute of limitations is over. Actually, I need to see my Attorney to verify. I owe her hush money too, so I’ll multi-task.

ATTORNEY: Hey Stormy, you should be embarrassed to have done it with a Notary. You should be paying him hush money.

STORMY: Hmm, I never thought of it that way. Especially since I was thinking about running for office. Maybe you’re right. Let’s just call it even, and make a toast with my brother Jack.

ATTORNEY: Deal. But, calling it even, there are still Attorney fees. Okay. Two bottles of Jack will do it.

STORMY: That’s money down the storm drain — pity, but makes a great pun on my name.

You might also like:

Texas suspends Notary who handled Stormy’s hush money
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22331

Perhaps Trump will take notary competency more seriously now that he is affected
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22335

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July 28, 2018

Shark Tank: A signing company wants to sell shares on Shark Tank

Filed under: Humorous Posts — Tags: — admin @ 12:40 am

CONTESTANT: Hello Sharks, my name is Dave and I want to sell 50% of my company on Shark Tank. We are a signing company that caters to nationwide title companies. We get Notaries around the country to do signings for us, and then keep them waiting forever to get paid to improve upon our cash flow. There is nothing new or innovative about our business practices. It is similar to most other signing companies.

Mr. WONDERFUL: I have a great idea. Since you take forever to pay people who have done work for you, I’ll buy 50% of your business and then take forever to pay you for it.

CONTESTANT: Oh, well, I’m not sure I like that idea.

LORI: If you don’t like being treated that way, don’t treat others that way. What comes around goes around.

CONTESTANT: Well, that’s just the way our industry works. I don’t always get paid on time by title either.

LORI: As I was saying, refer to my last statement.

Mr. WONDERFUL: It seems like you are participating more in the bad karma business than the signing business. Maybe you should change your business model.

MARK: Yeah, perhaps you should pay people a day before they do the work and then they can keep you waiting indefinitely to actually do the work. That is how it is hiring programmers.

CONTESTANT: Please don’t bring up the “p” word.

LORI: The “p” word? Programmers? Why? Did you pay them and then they didn’t do their work? That is a business model for most programming companies in the industry who cater to small clients. That’s why I get an air-tight contract before I hire a programmer to even write a single line of code.

BARBARA: Sounds like you need a better business model. I’m out by the way. But, if you consider paying people upon proof of having finished service by having them fax you a few pages of the work, that might be a reasonable system for having work done and paid for quickly.

CONTESTANT: Yeah. The problem is that if I pay the Notary before I get paid by Title, I might just be out the money.

LORI: That’s a cost of doing business. Pay the Notary whatever you can afford after you calculate the percentage chance that you won’t get paid. At least you will still have good Notaries working for you in this case.

CONTESTANT: Okay. I’m out.

Mr. WONDERFUL: You can’t be out. You’re the contestant. By the way I’m out.

CONTESTANT: Well, it sounds like I’m not going to get paid on time which is why I’m out.

LORI: We could paypal you the funds right away.

CONTESTANT: But, funds can be reversed and the policies are wishy-washy for non-tangibles.

LORI: But, I don’t want anything to do with your type of business model paying people late and not being innovative. Why not a more cutting edge business model where Title is forced to pay within 72 hours of you paying the notary or you either cut them as a client or raise their rates accordingly. You could have the whole pay structure as part of an automated system.

CONTESTANT: Snapdocs is the only intelligent business model these days. The rest of us use technology from the 90’s.

Mr. WONDERFUL: It’s time to get with the times. I’m out. Ooops. I said that already. Oh, running out of time speaking of time. It’s time for our next contestant.

You might also like:

Shark Tank – notarizing in the shower for executives
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=20511

Shark Tank – Traffic freezer for Notaries
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=20509

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July 27, 2018

Black Notaries vs. White Notaries. The Notary Dance

Filed under: Humorous Posts,Popular on Twitter — Tags: — admin @ 11:33 am

Our last Black vs. White was really more about Asian parents vs. White parents and how white parents don’t make their kids study enough. That made white people very upset. Don’t be upset — just have your kids study harder. But, all the offensive comments… are they really necessary? The reason I write this type of blogs is that they get a lot of clicks. This is what people want to read about. It excites them. You know what they say — get your clicks on route 66. If you don’t want me writing about this type of subject matter, then click on something educational like our Notary Public 101 course or other tutorials.

WEEZY: George, I really think that Florence should become a Notary.

GEORGE JEFFERSON: Flo? She doesn’t know nothing about paperwork, or any kind of work for that matter.

WEEZY: I think it would be good if she knew some other types of ways to expand her horizons. But, I’m worried. What if she makes a mistake and costs a business owner thousands?

GEORGE JEFFERSON: Mistake? That ain’t nothing to worry about. How can you make a mistake if you don’t do anything?

TERRENCE: Personally, I think the Notary industry is racist.

WEEZY: How’s that?

TERRENCE: Have you ever noticed that you always sign a white document with black ink? There’s a whole lot more white than there is black.

SEINFELD: I never thought of that before. Why not have a black document signed with white ink?

KRAMER: Why not invisible ink, that you can only see with a special light! (rubbing his hands together)

FLO: I think that Notaries should have their own special Notarial dance.

SEINFELD: I like the idea, but how would I make a joke about that… let me think…

GEORGE JEFFERSON: Most Notaries that I’ve seen are white. The idea of a white person doing any type of a dance is a joke in itself.

SEINFELD: (nodding head) yeah, that’s right. Unless it is some sort of a Jewish dance. Our people excel at dancing, but only if it is in a circle. The minute we have to dance standing still or in a line, the whole thing just falls apart.

GEORGE JEFFERSON: The only reason your people know how to dance, is that they got plenty of practice while living in Africa and even more practice while running away from the Pharoah.

SEINFELD: I disagree. Running away from Pharoah was running in a particular direction — East. Our people just like to go in circles. Circular dances, circular reasoning, circuitous logic, etc. It gets you absolutely nowhere, but it’s so much fun if you don’t get dizzy.

FLO: I get dizzy just looking at reruns of my big fat Jewish Wedding. The whole thing where they lift the guy up in a chair into the air singing Le Chaim. I can get Le Chaim on sale downt he street every Thursday. I don’t see what the big deal is.

SITTING CROW: I like Jewish Pow Wow plenty good. But, they need better drum.

(The next day, Tom the white guy on the Jeffersons married to a black lady talks about his dream)

TOM WILLIS: I had this terrible dream last night.

FLO: What was it about?

TOM WILLIS: It was about Notaries.

GEORGE JEFFERSON: Was it about white men and black women doing a whole lot more than just holding hands and singing cumbaya?

TOM WILLIS: No, that came BEFORE the dream before I went to sleep. I’ll spare you the details.

FLO: I bet it was about white Notaries TRYING to dance.

TOM WILLIS: Actually, that was exactly what it was about. How did you know?

FLO: Oh, just a hunch.

TOM WILLIS: It all started out with a lot of suspense, just like the suspense that Helen and I had not knowing what gender our baby would be…

GEORGE JEFFERSON: And not knowing what color he would be!

TOM WILLIS: Well what happened was that 123notary created a video about a Notary dance that went viral on youtube… well that’s something that hasn’t been invented yet, but will be soon according to my psychic that Helen doesn’t know about and who’s rates are very reasonable by the way… please don’t tell Helen. In any case after the video came out, Notaries throughout the USA started doing the Notary dance. The dance was created to make Notaries feel happier, but it divided Notaries along racial lines because the black Notaries thought that the white Notaries weren’t doing the dance well enough. In fact, People started hiring Notaries based on their dancing skills and white Notaries got mad because they were disporportionally left out. They started an online riot and burned down half of Linked In. I’m not sure how this works because it all happens in the distant future.

SEINFELD: Why would anyone want to hire a Notary who danced? It doesn’t make sense. I can see the pen doing a dance, but the Notary? Most Notaries are crotchety people in their fifties and sixties. This whole dancing thing just doesn’t gel with me.

SITTING CROW: Our people have a Notary dance. But, we only do it wearing a wolf outfit which is made out of a wolf head and skin that we killed many years ago.

TOM WILLIS: It’s such a shame that people become divided so easily over race. It just divides society in half.

GEORGE JEFFERSON: And it might divide certain marriages in half as well!

WEEZY: I just can’t figure out why Notaries start an online riot, whatever that means, when somebody says something that bothers them. Can’t they just talk things over in a civil way like George and I… okay, bad example.

SEINFELD: And last time Jeremy posted his Black vs. White article on facebook about the Notary manual, people had an online riot and posted hundreds of angry and hateful comments about it when the article was not disrespectful at all. What gives? They could have a polite way of voicing their opinions instead of having a riot all throughout Facebook, Linked In, and whatever online networks will be created in a decade or two.

FLO: Or three. It’s the seventees where we are — at least for now. We’ll have to work our way into the 2000’s.

GEORGE JEFFERSON: Yeah, that’s the key word…. work! If it requires work, you’ll never get there!

.

You might also like:

Black Notaries vs. White Notaries – Comedy Edition
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17455

Notary Psychic Tarot Card Reading
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19126

Notary Jail
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19666

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July 1, 2018

SnapDocs wants to sell shares on Shark Tank

Filed under: Humorous Posts — Tags: , — admin @ 12:38 am

Disclaimer – This article is purely for comedic purposes and I very much doubt that SnapDocs wants to sell its shares to Shark Tank.

CONTESTANT: Hello sharks. I would like to sell 50% of my business SnapDocs to you. We are an innovative platform where someone can hire a Notary, pay the notary, download documents, and look up reliability stats all using our convenient platform. We charge a fee that changes over time for using our services and looking up Notary information. We make “x” amount of money per transaction with a yearly profit of “y” dollars. We have been in business several years, so we are not brand new, but we are growing and are going to attempt to take 123notary’s market share as they are the leader of the notary advertising industry — so far…

Mr. WONDERFUL: Can you show us a little about how your features work?

CONTESTANT: Yes, you see you can share snapdocs with friends by using this feature here, We can get hard to get information on title companies which is valuable for attracting notaries using this other feature, and our best feature is the “Beat 123notary” feature.

LORI: How does the beat 123notary feature work, because I’m interested?

CONTESTANT: Umm. Awkward. That feature doesn’t seem to be working now, but programming is on it. We get more clicks than 123notary now, but only from people who don’t pay their notaries that well. 123notary keeps getting the good jobs.

Mr. WONDERUL: Maybe that is because they have better Notaries than you.

BARBARA: What good is having the best technology if you have the worst Notaries?

CONTESTANT: We’re trying to talk the best Notaries into working for the fees offered from those who use our site.

Mr. WONDERFUL: And how low are those fees?

CONTESTANT: (awkward pause) Um… Someone made $125 the other day.

LORI: The other day? How about in general?

CONTESTANT: Hmm. Let’s change the topic of the conversation. I would like to sell 20% for One Million.

MARK: Since you’re making money from this, and it is unclear whether 123notary will take your market share or whether or not you will take theirs, I will offer $100,000 for 20%.

CONTESTANT: $100,000? That is what we pay programming in several months.

LORI: I’m out, because it is too unpredictable, and it is not exciting enough.

BARBARA: I’d rather buy part of 123notary. They really scrutinize their Notaries which results in a better quality site, even though the Notaries are always complaining about being scrutinized.

LORI: 123notary is not for sale. Jeremy says it is his baby and he will never sell unless he is unable to care for it anymore.

Mr. WONDERFUL: Or runs out of baby formula. I’m out.

.

You might also like:

Shark Tank – Notarizing in the shower for executives
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=20511

A signing company wants to sell shares on Shark Tank
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=20817

Shark Tank – Traffic Freezer for Notaries
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=20509

A Notary goes on Shark Tank with Shazamdocs!
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18943

Shark Tank – 123notary wants to sell 10% of its shares
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16021

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April 2, 2018

Compilation of posts about notary & politics

Filed under: Compilations,Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:45 pm

POPULAR
.

Trump – Making American Notaries Great Again
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17023

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ALPHABETICAL
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How Carmen dealt with some Alt-right customers
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19092

Is Trump to blame for a Notary slowdown?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19138

If Trump hired you as a Notary, would you get fired?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19120

Letter to Trump about the sad condition of American Notaries
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19403

Trump caught on mike with a Notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18982
.

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January 26, 2018

The new acknowledgment form for transgender people

Filed under: Humorous Posts,Popular on Facebook (very),Popular on Twitter — admin @ 11:28 am

With all of this politically correct nonsense going on, there will soon be an official change to Notary paperwork so that the LGBT community’s needs will be represented. The current form (I made this up) says:

On (date), before me (name of notary) personally appeared (name of signer) who proved to me on the basis of satisfactory evidence to be the person who’s name is subscribed in the within instrument, and acknowledged to me that he/she/they executed the same in their his/her/their authorized capacity(ies), and by his/her/their seal on the instrument, the person(s) acted and executed the instrument.

But, as of January 1st, 2019, the new form will read.

On (date), before me (name of Notary) personally appeared (name of signer) who proved to me on the basis of satisfactory evidence to be the person who’s name is subscribed in the within instrument and acknowledged to me that

(he/she/he who used to be a she/she who used to be a he/he who dresses like a she/she who dresses like a he/T/they)
executed the same in his/her/it’s complicated/their authorized capacity(ies), and by his/her/unclear/it’s/their seal on the instrument, the person(s) acted and executed the instrument.

Additional information
The signer’s “assigned” gender is male/female
The signer’s “current” gender is male/female/ambiguous/depends on how long the line is to the bathroom
The gender indicated on the identification is male/female
The sex change or change in dress happened before/after when the ID was issued.

On a brighter note, I had lamb with shishito peppers. I asked the waitress if shishitos had genders. The male could be a he-shito, and the female a she-shito. She said it didn’t work like that. I told her that was for the best, because what if we got a transgender-shito? That would be confusing.

.

You might also like:

Who does what in an Acknowledgment?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=20108

Millennial Notaries and gender roles
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22535

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August 3, 2017

Black Notaries vs. White Notaries: The Notary Manual

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Humorous Posts,Popular on Facebook (very),Popular on Linked In,Popular on Twitter,Popular Overall — Tags: , — admin @ 9:55 am

Black Notaries vs. White Notaries: The Notary Manual

TEACHER: Hello class. We are gathered here today to talk about Notary terms, and the state Notary manual. But, first I would like to ask what the manual means to you.

SHELLY: I see a short book designed to teach the Notaries of tomorrow the rules of the road in order to safeguard the integrity of notarized transactions which protects society at large in a broader sense.

TEACHER: Very good Shelly! And very wonky.

KIM JONG “AKA Korean mom”: It’s so very difficult to understand. Half the terms don’t show up in my English-Korean dictionary. What a pain! I have to use my English dictionary and then translate the words in the definition into Korean to figure it out. How will I pass my test? I tried to use that as an excuse to get out of jury duty but they chose me anyway until they found out I didn’t understand any of the legal terms they used! Like “If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”

TEACHER: Okay, just let me know if there are any terms that I can explain to you. I may not understand Korean, but I can break the complicated terms down in an understandable way.

SHALONDA: I see three things. (1) I see a technical manual that teaches the state & civil laws affecting Notaries public, and more that could help Notaries deter fraud, keep transactions official, and keep paperwork straight. (2) A book that teaches the how-to of doing daily Notary work and (3) A book full of new names for black people to name their kids — you know what I’m saying?

TEACHER: Well, I hadn’t thought about it like that before.

SHALONDA: Oh yeah. I named my kids after Notary terms several years ago. Jurat and Venue… that’s short for Venuetta.

SHELLY: Do you swear under Oath you named your kid Jurat?

SHALONDA: I most certainly do (raising her right hand). But, Jurat is more of a jokester. He doesn’t have a solemn bone in his body. The tread on his boots is shaped like a Notary seal, and he was playing outside after it was raining. It looked like we had impressions of notary seals all through the house. I told him to take his boots off after that.

SHELLY: All of this studying for the Notary exam is tiring. I heard that reading too much can be bad for your eyesight. No wonder Trump doesn’t need glasses.

KIM JONG: I know. That’s why my kid Myong is forbidden to study more than six hours a night. We are recommending dropping his study time from seven hours to five hours and forty-five minutes with the last forty-five minutes mostly study-oriented games, songs or something where he is not staring at a book or computer.

SHELLY: Well we were going to increase Tommy’s study time from forty minutes to an hour and twenty minutes after we found out how hard college is. But, we don’t want him to ruin his eyes, so we’ll compromise at seventy minutes a day.

KIM JONG: How will he possibly compete with those studying five hours a day?

SHELLY’s HUSBAND: She has a point. Tommy will never survive in college unless he studies more. What he does now will affect him for the rest of his life. And if he does poorly in school like my brother, then he might get stuck driving a garbage truck for the rest of his life. Or an Uber.

SHELLY: Or worse — he might have to become a Notary. What has four wheels and flies?

SHALONDA: Ooh! I know this one! A garbage truck.

KIM JONG: No, that’s the junior high version of the joke! The answer in this context is a Notary who is late to a signing because he would be driving so fast!

SHALONDA: Good point. Not funny point, but good. But, honestly, to be a Notary you need to study too. In some states you need to study at least 30 hours to pass the Notary test and then another 30 hours to be a good signing agent. This profession isn’t for jokes — that is if you want to succeed in it. And by the way, you should say what has four wheels and screeches, because when you round those corners, you’re gonna be screeching those tires, girl.

TEACHER: Well class, we do seem to be diverging now don’t we. Being a Notary is a very honorable and noble profession and not for those who lack character. No wonder Trump was never a Notary.

SHALONDA: But, it is for those who lack a high school diploma. There is no educational standard for this job other than passing a test. California, Louisiana and New York make the test hard. But, the other states will just hand out seals to any fool who applies. Like Presidential Seals. Where’s the nobility in that?

TEACHER: Good point. Well, in theory it is supposed to be noble.

SHELLY: Theory doesn’t cut it when a clueless Notary assists a fraud in stealing the Title to your house.

TEACHER: You’re right. Maybe having a longer course than our six hour course would help. Perhaps a background screening too not just for being a signing agent, but for being a Notary.

SHALONDA: In California, the FBI, DOJ, and KGB all check us, but in these other states there doesn’t seem to be a system of checks and balances.

KIM JONG: Perhaps, being a Notary should be regulated federally instead of by a bunch of irresponsible states who can’t keep anything straight. And that wasn’t a reference to the gay parts of California.

TEACHER: Well perhaps you’re right. In any case, let’s practice notarizing a Jurat.

SHALONDA: You’re going to notarize my daughter?

.



You might also like:

Black Notaries vs. White Notaries: Are you black or white ee-nuff?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19251

Black Notaries vs. White Notaries: Comedy edition
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17455

Honey you can kiss my app
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14902

Best virtual notary comedy compilation updated to 2018
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17693

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June 9, 2017

Black Notaries vs. White Notaries: Are you black or white ee-nuff?

Filed under: Humorous Posts,Popular on Facebook (A little),Popular on Linked In — Tags: — admin @ 8:42 am

Black Notaries vs. White Notaries: Are you black or white ee-nuff?

We got a very disrespectful comment about my rebuttal to comments on Black Notaries vs. White Notaries Comedy Edition. This was the most popular comedy post we have written in years, yet the comments were hateful. I guess Americans have nothing constructive to say about race relations. There is either an imposed silence reflecting a social restriction on freedom of speech — or, there is downright hatred — but, very little in between.

So, this commenter claimed that Chris Rock reflected black Notaries poorly because I depicted him as having bad grammer. My rebuttal to his comment on my rebuttal is — Chris Rock is far more talented than any Notary on 123notary: black or white. The post in question was not supposed to be realistic of real Notaries as real Notaries are rarely funny, and would not be good characters in a blog article unless they are brilliant or outrageous. Let satire be satire and don’t try to overanalyze it. So, to appease the aforementioned commenter, we will make an equally erudite man named Sedric Watkins who happens to be black as the star of this blog.

TOMMY: So, why did you become a Notary?

SEDRIC (Black Notary): I became a Notary to supplement my bustling Real Estate management career.

TOMMY: But, isn’t being a Notary a low paying side job?

SEDRIC: I assure you that it is as high or low paying as you make it. I set my minimum at $90 because I have other things of value to do that compete for my limited time resources. Like reading Shakespeare. Or inventing a vaccine that can cure Bill O’Reilly.

—–

SAM (White Notary): (ring ring) Hello?

ABC SIGNING SERVICE: Hi, this is Samantha from ABC signing service. We have a job in Compton where you will need to print out two sets of documents 300 pages each, do 65 fax backs, and notarize twelve signatures for a family of six. Can you do the job for $45?

SAM: I’d love to do the job for $45, but I’m afraid of going to Compton.

ABC SIGNING SERVICE: Figures… Hmmm. We need to find someone who isn’t afraid of going to the hood.

(ring ring)

SEDRIC: Punctilious Signing Services, this is Sedric.

ABC SIGNING SERVICE: Hi Sedric, let’s cut to the chase. And that wasn’t a dated reference to OJ. We need a Notary to go to the hood. We’ve tried twenty other Notaries, but they are all chicken. Mmm, chicken! Can you do the job?

SEDRIC: Why certainly. Ah yes, I remember the days of my impetuous youth when South Central used to be a black neighborhood.

ABC SIGNING SERVICE: Oh, it still is, where we’re sending you. The signing is for a higher up in the Crips who started a business. It’s 300 pages, 65 fax backs, and twelve signatures per person for a family of six. Can you do it for $45?

SEDRIC: Yes — $45… per signer with a $90 minimum for single document signings and $150 minimum for loan signings.

ABC SIGNING SERVICE: Hmm. So, you’re asking for $270.

SEDRIC: My time is in limited supply, and with six signers, if even one doesn’t show up, the whole signing is delayed.

ABC SIGNING SERVICE: Oh, so you’ve done this before…

SEDRIC: Of my 2500 signings, seven were for multiple signers and those were prolonged to say the least.

ABC SIGNING SERVICE: How about $150

SEDRIC: You’re paying for experience and a flawless track record.

ABC SIGNING SERVICE: You folks do have quite a record when it comes to track.

SEDRIC: How patronizing of you.

ABC SIGNING SERVICE: Thank you. Okay, $155

SEDRIC: $200 paid in advance via Paypal. I agree to stay there up to 75 minutes just in case a signer doesn’t show up or doesn’t have ID.

ABC SIGNING SERVICE: Done…

SEDRIC: (ring ring) Hello, this is Sedric from Punctilious Signing Services. I will be seeing your party today at 3pm for a signing. Please have appropriate and current identification.

CRIPS BOSS: You got it. Oh … and one more thing. Wear light blue.

SEDRIC: I’m wearing a black suit today, but I’ll wear a blue tie to show solidarity with your movement.

(In the hood — Sedric parks his car in a busy commercial area to go up to the office.)

PASSERBY: Hey man, what-chu doing in our hood dressed like that? Are you going to a funeral or something?

SEDRIC: No, I happen to be a businessman.

PASSERBY: So, what is it with this uppity lingo you’re using. Are you sure you’re even black?

SEDRIC: “Uppity” is code I don’t appreciate. I assure you that I am black. Must we speak in this dialect?

PASSERBY: You’re the one with the dialect my brother. So, what’s up with you?

SEDRIC: To put it in your vernacular, I’m a “high brow brotha!”

PASSERBY: I heard that. But, you ain’t black ee-nough.

SEDRIC: What prey tell do you mean by black ee-nuff? I’m sure that your definition comprises using incorrect grammar, being opposed to the powers that be, failing out of high school, having an addiction and being a minimum of two months behind on your alimony. You just described a white acquaintance of mine, but I digress. I pay no heed to your juvenile and grievously preposterous sense of cultural sensibilities.

PASSERBY: You got it all wrong man. I never finished junior high school, and they couldn’t find my legal address to make me pay any alimony because I don’t have one — so the joke’s on you! Basicaly what I’m saying, is that there ain’t nothing black about you. Can you dig it?

SEDRIC: My definition of blackness is based purely on genetic lineages tracing back to West Africa. my dear friend. Culture is not a well-defined science you see and therefore not a logical characteristic for racial classification.

PASSERBY: Well you seem like an Uncle Tom.

SEDRIC: Thank you. My Uncle Thomas, much like myself, drives a Ferrari, studies karate, and has a fine lady friend. Here’s a photo of my lady.

PASSERBY: Damn!!!! She got it going on!!! Honeylicious!

SEDRIC: And my mother likes her too, because in addition to being visually appealing, she is a nice person.

PASSERBY: Nice honey, but you’re a mamma’s boy.

SEDRIC: If your mamma looked like Halle Barry, you would be too. Be that as it may, I’m a very well paid mamma’s boy.

PASSERBY: Well, yo mamma’s an auntie Thomassina! A female uncle Tom!

SEDRIC: What did you say about my mamma? (kick, crash, bash, crunch, smash, chop, knock, clash.)

PASSERBY: That wasn’t karate. That was jujitsu — Okanawan style. When I said there was nothing black about you, I take that back. There is something black about you — but only one. You don’t like it when nobody says nothing about yo mamma. Can you tell me… ummm..

SEDRIC: The GPS coordinates of the nearest hospital so that you can heal the damage that I just did to you? I would, but I have an appointment to go to. Oh, and one more thing. Your Theory about Uncle Tom’s cabin has a hole in it — in the roof!!!

CRIPS BOSS: Here’s our man… We have our ID’s ready and we’re ready.

SEDRIC: I’ll be here for 75 minutes. I just hope that that statistical probabability of one of the six of you getting arrested in the next 75 minutes is low so I don’t disappoint my new client.

CRIPS BOSS: Here are our six ID’s. I’ll just lay them out on the table Vegas style — like a fan. Oh, and don’t worry, we alerted the police to your presence, so they won’t bother you.

SEDRIC: You make it so easy.

CRIPS BOSS: What happened to the side of both of your hands?

SEDRIC: I had to take care of some business on the way over here.

CRIPS BOSS: Another appointment on such short notice. I sure like the way you do business. You know something. You should join our operation.

SEDRIC: Not in this lifetime. But, call me if you need a Notary Public, Real Estate Manager, or Okinawan Jujitsu teacher.

CRIPS BOSS: I know you claim to be Okinawan… but, are you Okinawan eee-nuff?

SEDRIC: It’s not me… it’s the Jujitsu that is Okinawan… never mind…

(ring ring)

SAM (White Notary) I just got this job in Beverly Hills. They have good Chinese food here too if you can find a parking spot.

SEDRIC: Good for you. I hope you charged them enough or should I say, “ee-nuff.”

SAM: Oh, I charged them $100. I’m learning from you. But, you’ll never guess what the job is about. There’s a guy from the hood in the Beverly Hills hospital who says he got beaten up by some uppity Notary who thought he was too good for the brotha’s.

SEDRIC: Did he have a huge bruise on his upper right temple?

SAM: Why yes.

SEDRIC: Never seen him before in my life! Just out of curiosity, after you told him about the Chinese food, did he tell you that you weren’t “white ee-nuff”?

SAM: I think he only says stuff like that to you. But, after your little interlude, perhaps from now on he’ll make his flip remarks to people like me.

SEDRIC: It’s a distinct possibility.

.

You might also like:

Black Notaries vs. White Notaries — the notary manual
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19322

Black Notaries vs. White Notaries – comedy edition
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17455

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January 13, 2017

The Notary Train

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 12:44 am

Welcome aboard the Notary (choo-choo) Train.
Today is going to be a busy day. We are traveling from Fort Stockton, TX to Tuc (choo-choo) son today. I wish you all a very nice trip. And since this is The Notary Train, if you need anything Notarized, you are in luck. We have in-house or in-train Notaries commissioned in Texas, New Mexico and Arizona just waiting to (choo-choo) help you.

10pm

ATTENDANT: Welcome aboard. May I see some ID please?

RALPH: Here it is. It is an official TX Driver License.

ATTENDANT: I’ll need a blood sample too.

RALPH: I thought you’d never ask. But, I don’t give that out to strangers. But, how about a thumb print?

ATTENDANT: A right thumbprint will do. I was just kidding about the blood samples. After all, a simple retinal scan would be just as good.

12:10am

RALPH: Hi, I need this document signed. And can you backdate?

TX NOTARY: Umm, isn’t that illegal?

RALPH: Never mind. I’ll ask the other Notary. HEY, I need this document Notarized.

NOTARY #2: When do you need it done?

RALPH: Yesterday!

NOTARY #2: No problem, we are about to cross through a time-zone change on our way to El Paso. Once we have passed it, it will be yesterday.

RALPH: So, you can backdate?

NOTARY #2: I won’t have to. In the mean time, let’s get some Notary snacks at the snack bar. How about a crepe with chocolate sauce that is dispensed from a leaky Notary Seal?

RALPH: Cool. Can I get bananas too?

NOTARY #2: Yes, but you cannot emboss them.

RALPH: Oh, too bad. So, who pours the tea around here?

NOTARY #2: Oh, we have an official TEA agent do that along with transporting blood samples.

RALPH: I love this train. I love it even more when you take a plane ride and arrive at your destination before you left your departure point. That’s a real brain teaser.

TEA AGENT: Can I offer you some tea, or a blood sample?

RALPH: Oh no, I stopped being a vampire years ago.

TEA AGENT: I didn’t, now you know why I love my job so much!

SALLY: Why is this train taking so long? I hope we get to Tucson before my commission expires.

TEA AGENT: Your commission never expires on The Notary Train baby! It’s good for life! By the way, you have a pretty neck.

SALLY: What kind of a psycho are you? Oh getting a phone call.

CALLER: I am trying to track down a particular Notary who did a signing for me in 1968.

SALLY: Well, on The Notary Train, we have lots of tracks if you want to do some tracking. But, you might have to call the Secretary of State. Good luck!

RALPH: I just love The Notary Train. It’s the only Notarial entity that is commissioned in one county and expires in an entirely different one. That’s a great concept — almost as good as reverse time travel.

NOTARY #2: Okay Ralph. Time to do your notarization without backdating. It’s 11:30pm Mountain Time on the 3rd now. Whip out those documents! It’s party time!

RALPH: Okay, let’s do the deed — I mean sign the deed. By the way, why is that guy staring at my neck still?

.

You might also like:

Notary Airport
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17062

Notary Zoo
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15994

A Notary sees a UFO
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19929

Notary space station: In space, nobody can hear you sign!
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18920

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