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January 5, 2011

The Five Food Groups of Notary Knowledge

Filed under: Loan Signing 101 — Tags: , , , , — admin @ 11:13 am

I read Ann Handley’s blog about the five food groups of marketing blogging. But, what I didn’t realize is that the world of Notary knowledge also has several food groups. I’m just not sure if there are five…

Vegetables
Most notaries are like adolescent children. They hate taking tests, and hate eating their vegetables. But, vegetables are good for you say Jeremy and Carmen. Technical knowledge is the Notary equivalent of eating your vegetables. Learning about credible witnesses, spousal states, filling in the additional information sections on Acknowledgment forms, learning proper Oath verbiage — these are all nitpicky and very necessary forms of notary knowledge. Yet, most notaries are severely lacking on this type of knowlege. They can do the easy notarizations, but what happens when the going gets rough? Every Tuesday we publish blogs with technical knowledge for the benefit of the notaries. They get a free and valuable education. Unfortunately, notaries don’t want to read the technical blogs that much. They want to read about signing companies and some of our funny posts.

Meat & Poultry (vermin in the case of some)
We write posts about signing companies. Knowing which signing company is which, which have good reviews or bad, and how to get paid might constitute the meat of the notary business. Without this knowledge you won’t get fed, so you need it. Notaries love reading the dirt on signing companies, and it is not a waste of time at all. My advice is to learn to be quick at querying information on the web about signing companies on your i-phone in case one of them calls you up. You need to be able to find the informationin a snap, so you can know whether to work for them or not. Or, you can keep a handbook in your car and home of the various companies and keep notes that you update regularly about each company. That way you know if you should work for them. The vermin wise crack is a reference to signing companies who don’t pay up by the way!

Bread & Carbs
For me, marketing articles constitute bread and carbs. You need lots of marketing to give your business energy. Meat will make you strong, but Bread will give you long term energy the same way marketing gives you long term clients. We publish a Notary marketing article every Monday (Marketing Monday) for your educational purposes. Some of the articles are quite fun to read as well.

Milk & Dairy
I am not sure what type of notary knowledge can be represented by dairy products. Milk sounds like something that comes from a mother figure, so perhaps being mentored by a senior notary, or reading about the experience of a veteran Notary could approximate the equivalent of milk. We do not write many dairy oriented Notary articles, but perhaps we should! Ken writes the most in this category as he is the smartest notary I know!

Desserts
We write funny articles every Friday. Our Notaries love them. The total clicks for funny articles is nowhere near that for the ones about signing companies or articles showing who is making the most money and why. But, people always write in to us to thank us for the funny articles. They don’t generate the most clicks, but they generate the most smiles, and that is what counts on what we call Funny Friday over here at 123notary.

Condiments
Habanero peach aioli, mustard and Jalapeno honey dip might constitute condiments. Highly opinionated and controversial posts are good on a blog to raise people’s emotions and make them remember you. Once in a while we will post something opinionated or crazy, or tell a story about a notary who did something amazingly rude or illegal.

Summary
We hope you like the five food groups. Let us know if you have any suggestions. I’ll try to do more in the dairy department. I’m glad I wrote this little article because it reminded me to do so. Gotta go — dinner time!

.

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How good if your technical knowledge, should you learn more?
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Psychically channeling Putin for Notary advice

Filed under: Humorous Posts — Tags: , — admin @ 10:15 am

I run a Notary directory, but I also know how to channel spirits and living entities. I might not be great at it, but get great business advice from doing exactly that. But, I decided to channel Putin as he is a very strategic guy. Here is how the channeling interview went.

JEREMY: Hello, Mr. Putin, how are things?

PUTIN: eh.. okay!

JEREMY: I wanted to ask you a few things about the Notary industry. You see, in America which seems intent on disintegrating into a third world country as fast as possible, we have some backwards things going on in the Notary industry.

PUTIN: Yes, tell me…

JEREMY: Well, you know during the cold war in Russia, you would hire someone to clean the gutter, and someone else to watch the guy cleaning the gutter, and a third guy to watch the guy watching the guy who was cleaning the gutter, etc. The problem was that the government pretended to pay, and the workers pretended to work. Communism might function better as an economic model if people had a reason to get up in the morning.

PUTIN: Have you tried Russian coffee?

JEREMY: No, is that a reason to get up in the morning?

PUTIN: No, it is a reason to not get up in the morning. It’s horrible. Stick with Starbucks double shots. Yummy.

JEREMY: I think you should drink one while riding a horse without a shirt on. That image works for you.

PUTIN: Thanks. I take pride in being shirtless, among other things.

JEREMY: Yes, it looks good, plus you rack up a lot less of a laundry bill.

PUTIN: Oh, I don’t have to worry about that. The government pays mine.

JEREMY: Oh, well in that case, maybe you should wear two shirts simultaneously. Or wear one, and then immediately change into another.

PUTIN: Yes, I tried that. That reminds me of a line from Coming To America, where the African king said, “I once tied my own shoes… I assure you that the experience is over-rated.”

JEREMY: Good point. In any case, The Notary divisions are not watching the Notaries, except a little in California. And nobody is watching the Notary divisions. If we had an effective set of checks and balances, who should watch the Notary divisions which are state run?

PUTIN: The Feds.

JEREMY: And who should watch the Feds?

PUTIN: We should.

JEREMY: So, if there is a problem in a Notary division, will you write a letter to your pal Donald?

PUTIN: Actually, we did, but we did not get paid due to budget cuts. I blame it on the Republican party.

JEREMY: So our government pretends to pay you and you pretend to watch them?

PUTIN: No, we watch them, we just don’t provide services with the information we get when we watch them. But, we try to learn military secrets and find out who is cheating on their wives.

JEREMY: What a comforting thought — not. But, last month, I had a dream that someone in the CIA was concerned that you were not spying on them enough. Fred at the CIA got so concerned in fact that he wrote you a letter asking you if something was wrong.

PUTIN: Oh, yes, well , um, we do our best. You cannot ask for more than that.

JEREMY: Good point. In any case, my opinion on your idea to slowly grow your empire is as follows. Taking over Ukraine will cause tremendous unrest. And what’s the point? It is just another place just like the seemingly infinite land you already have. It might better to save your money and just buy a Greek island. They are broke and could use the money, and you guys could use a place that is warm.

PUTIN: Yes, but that would not involve a show of force, so where is the pleasure in that?

JEREMY: Well maybe you could have some other type of controversy with the Greeks about their debts where you could strong-arm them and show your superiority without any actual violence.

PUTIN: Actually, I like that. I will think about that. I am a little distracted. My friend is teaching some Shostakovich to his child in the next room. He keeps saying, “No, no, even though it sounds wrong, it’s still not right.”

.

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Welcome to the Notary Zoo!

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Popular on Facebook (A little),Popular on Facebook (shares),Popular on Linked In,Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , , , , , , — admin @ 6:55 am

Welcome to the Notary Zoo!

After visiting the Notary Zoo for the first time, I noticed that things were a little “different” there. There were animals that didn’t exist in real life, and situations that were often opposite of what they normally were.

Before entering the zoo, right before the entrance, you see a huge venue carved into the granite floor. The venue says, “State of California, County of Los Angeles.” I’m glad the zoo helps me remember where I am because at that place, it’s easy to forget. Then, I went to pay my entrance fee. There was a huge sign saying that all customers needed to “personally appear” before the ticket seller with the seal of approval, who won the crowd’s approval after the seal juggled a ball on its nose. I needed to produce positive identification, asked how much it was to visit the zoo, and the clerk said it depended on how many signatures I wanted. I wanted admittance for just myself, which would be one signature at $10 per signature. The lady stamped my ticket and let me in.

As Trump might say, the zoo was “huge.”

There were walkways going every which direction. To the left I saw the Juratffs. I had never seen a Juratff before. I asked what I was supposed to do there, and the guard said that people swear at this animal all day long. So, I said, “I solemnly swear blah blah blah.” But, the juratff ignored me and kept eating leaves. At least he stuck his neck out for me. In the next exhibit down the corridor I saw a giant refrigerator with a sign saying, “How can you fit a juratff in a refrigerator?” Then a baby juratff waltzed in the refrigerator, stuck its neck out the hole in the top, and munched on some low hanging leaves.

Don’t feed the Notaries

Next, there was an area where some Notaries were hanging around. The visitors were led down an underground passage and then up some stairs into a huge cage that had a sign: “Don’t feed the Notaries.” The Notaries just went about their business and ignored the tourists’ constant taunts and whistling. The Notaries sat at desks, walked around, ID’d people and stamped pieces of paper. I didn’t understand the logic of this as they were notarizing other Notaries and not getting paid. Later on I learned that this was some sort of an asylum for people who were convinced that they were Notaries, but never passed the state Notary exam for reasons unknown. They were NOTaries.

The next exhibit had a Notary comedian. Not only was there an applause sign. There was an applause signer.

He started cracking jokes. “How do you define a loose acknowledgment? It’s an acknowledgement that attaches itself to different documents — on the first date before it even knows your first name — at least the first name on your ID.” Then our comedian friend made another joke about pastry. “I just found out that a Mexican wedding cake is exactly the same thing as a Russian tea cake. They are both two inches wide and made from shortbread. I guess one man’s tea is another man’s wedding!”

An exhibit for Notarial owls.
They just sat in the tree all day long saying, “Hoo — is the signer?” Next to the owls was the judge from Noternity court who said, “Who is the signer? Who is the Notary? We’ve examined the DNA evidence and handwriting analysis and you ARE the Notary!”

The aquarium was next on my list.
I went down a dark hallway into a pitch black room, turned a corner, and then I was in the Notary Aquarium. I saw a guy swimming in the tank in a three piece suit with a briefcase. I asked the guard why the sharks don’t eat him. The guard replied, “Professional courtesy — that guy’s an Attorney.” Then I saw another guy wearing a suit who just got his leg bitten off by another shark. Blood was filling the tank. I looked at the guard and he said, “That one’s a Mortgage Broker. He’s the one who asked people to backdate, and didn’t pay his Notaries on time.” It cost him a leg if not an arm. I journeyed into the next room in the aquarium and saw a bizarre looking fish. It looked like a hammerhead, but on closer inspection it was a stampfish. His head looked like a huge rectangular Notary stamp. I said to the guard, “It’s too bad there is no paperfish that the stampfish can stamp.” The guard said, “Where there is one around here, there will be a squid just waiting to donate some of his precious ink so the underwater Notarization could happen.” Then, lo and behold, a paperfish appeared from nowhere. Instead of stamping the paperfish, the stampfish took a bite out of it. I asked the guard what happened. The guard informed me that the stampfish was offended that the paperfish hadn’t been signed and dated — this was his way of voicing his underwater displeasure. Then I saw another stampfish who looked like he was high. The guard explained that he had a constant supply of really good sea-weed, and one or two bites of that will get you very high. On my way out of the aquarium there was a huge underwater building. The sign on the building said underwater county recorder. Inside the building there was a huge line of stamp fish. My only thought at this point is — I hope these stampfish have waterproof journals!

On my way toward the exit I saw some lions swearing under Oath. Lyin’ and swearing to uphold the truth – Isn’t that an oxymoron? Then I saw some sheep being sheepish about their loan signing. But they couldn’t pull their wool over my eyes. There was a huge section where there were boars that specialized in 400 page signings where you read every page. It nearly boared me to death. And finally a bobcat who swore under Oath that he was legally Robert Cat.

Finally, I went to the aviary.
That place is for the birds! I saw some birds signing a health directive so they could fight against avarian cancer. I tried to explain that it is o-varian cancer, but they claimed that there are certain types of cancer that only birds get in their old age. Then, an eagle swooped down to avoid one of the guards who was trying to ID him for the Patriot Act.

In any case. I enjoyed the zoo. It was fun. I was slightly disappointed that I couldn’t get a souvenir of a waterproof journal in the gift shop, but maybe next year.

.

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When you can’t stamp!

Filed under: Popular on Twitter,Technical & Legal — admin @ 12:46 am

When You Can’t Stamp – Conditions For Turning Down A Notarization

Notaries fulfill a critical role in our society. If you’ve taken up the stamp yourself, you’ve already gone through plenty of training to familiarize yourself with your responsibilities. It’s always handy to review the situations in which you should turn down a notarization, though. Handling these delicate incidents with care is an important part of your job.

Know Your Statutes And Regulations

While the broad responsibilities of notaries are the same all over the country, specific regulations vary from state to state. For instance, in some states (like California), employers can set restrictions on what employees can and cannot notarize during business hours. In other states, notaries have an ironclad obligation to provide their services to qualified citizens. Make sure you’re thoroughly familiar with the rules governing notaries in your own state so that you’re in full compliance.

Remember that part of your responsibility as a notary is to document the work you perform. If you refuse to perform a notarization or simply have misgivings about one or more points of a particular document, make sure you record the event in detail in your notarial journal.

General Issues That Can Prevent Notarization

Most of the common reasons to turn down a notarization are fairly obvious. In situations where you can’t verify a signer’s identity, communicate with a signer (e.g. language barriers), or where one or more parties are absent, it is both your right and obligation to turn away the signers. You should also refrain from notarizing documents that involve you or your close family members or those that subject you to conflict of interest in some other way. Incomplete documents or improperly formatted ones are grounds for a refusal as well.

There are more questionable areas where you are within your rights to refuse service. If you know or suspect that the documents presented to you represent a fraudulent transaction, or you suspect that one of the signers is being coerced into signing, you have a right to refuse service. Document such cases extensively in your journal, as these are the sort of circumstances that may be investigated by authorities later.

Hot-Button Topics

As public servants, notaries have an obligation to perform their jobs without regard to their personal feelings and biases. This means you can’t refuse service to a client based on their gender, race, religion, or orientation. Modern society can present you with many different documents for notarization whose content makes you uncomfortable. Examples include documents that touch on same-sex marriage, euthanasia, abortion, and legal marijuana.

In situations like this, you have to bear in mind that your responsibilities do not extend to interpreting the laws which govern your state. Set aside your personal bias and remember that your notarial services do not in any way serve as an endorsement of laws you don’t agree with.

Refusing To Serve With Grace

It’s very easy to think about refusing a notarization when you confine yourself to hypothetical scenarios. Matters become more complicated when you’re facing an actual signer and need to turn them away, though. Tact is your strongest ally in these situations.

Remember that you don’t have any obligation to expose yourself to risk. If you’re turning down a notarization because you suspect foul play, you’re entitled to give a less contentious explanation, such as being unfamiliar with the type of documents involved. Fortunately, these situations are few and far between. With most refusals, you’ll have a clear legal basis for refusing to notarize. Explain this as thoroughly and professionally as possible.

Turning away signers who want your services isn’t the easiest part of your job as a notary. As long as you maintain a clear grasp of your obligations and their limits and behave professionally, though, you should be able to keep both yourself and your clients within the bounds of the law.

Jeff Wise is a health care professional who specializes in senior care. If you are looking for premium in-home care for your loved one, visit MiamiHomeCareServices.com today.

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January 4, 2011

Comedy Central Notary Roast

Filed under: Andy Cowan,Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , , — admin @ 10:29 pm

JEREMY: Welcome to the first Comedy Central Notary Roast. World class comedians are about to “pay tribute to” our Notary of the hour, Alex!

Welcome an old hand at roasting, and I do mean old, ladies and gentlemen, the mouth that roared, but never bored, Don Rickles.

DON RICKLES: Thank you for that incredible honor. A sign your career is in the dumper – when you’re trashing a notary instead of what you usually do – ignoring one. “Sign”. That’s Alex’s idea of a good time. Dreamt big, huh, Alex? What’s the matter – being a lawn jockey was already taken? But no, without notaries, where would this country be? Beating the Chinese, that’s where we’d be. A lot of help you’ve been, you dumb hocky puck. I kid Alex, but all kidding aside, the next time I need something certified, I’ll be sure to give you a call. Am I allowed to certify that you’re boring, or do I need my seal for that? (BARKING LIKE A SEAL)

JEREMY: Thank you, Don RIckles! That man always makes me laugh. But then again, so does diphtheria. And now, speaking of diseases, please welcome the woman who’s been sanitized for our protection, except when it comes to her mouth… Amy Schumer!

AMY SCHUMER: Thank you! Don, I don’t care how old you are, I’d still do you. Then again, I’d do a banana. So nice to be here honoring Alex. Notaries are so hot! But don’t make me swear to that under penalty of perjury. Then again I &$%!! swear all the time. Alex, show me your seal, and I’ll show you my seal of approval. Oh no, Alex is having a heart attack! I guess the excitement of hearing the first woman in history come on to a notary was too much for him. Oh, never mind. It’s not a heart attack after all. He’s clutching the pen in his pocket protector, not his heart. Alex, let your hair down and leave the work at your office! Your office – that’s your car, right? Oh, it’s his home. Well, at least you can afford a car/home. It’s a rental? Sorry Alex. I’ll stick with the banana.

JEREMY: Thank you, Amy Schumer! You remind me of Times Square on New Year’s Eve… trashy. And now let’s give it up for… Chris Rock!

CHRIS ROCK: I’m not surprised to see that Alex ain’t black. I don’t know too many brothers who are notaries. We’re great at having people sign stuff if it’s graffiti on a honkey’s wall. Whereas Alex here, he’s the real deal. Who was your idol growing up? Mine was Richard Pryor, Johnny Carson, Bill Cosby. Two out of three ain’t bad. Alex’s was the credible witness who provides a way to positively identify a signer who lacks satisfactory identification documents. Alex, you’re livin’ the dream. If you’re lucky, one day, you’ll get to watch paint dry. What do you learn at notary public school anyway? Can you learn how to whup somebody’s ass? If not, what good is it?

JEREMY: Thank you, Chris Rock. And last but not least, let’s welcome him while he isn’t in a car getting coffee… Jerry Seinfeld!

JERRY SEINFELD: Who better than I, Jerry Seinfeld, to close this roast? My show was about nothing. And this man, Alex, is clearly… about nothing. Some parents want their kids to grow up to be doctors… lawyers…entrepreneurs. Alex’s parents wanted him to show him a sign of wanting to grow up to be a doctor… a lawyer… an entrepreneur. And Alex, a man who clearly thinks inside, not outside, of the box, took his parents literally. I’ll show you a sign… Here’s a sign, or signing. There’s a signing. Mom, dad, I want to be a notary public! Of course, his folks said, “Can’t you be a notary private? We’d rather not have the neighbors find out.”

JEREMY: Ladies and gentleman… the notary of the hour… welcome… Alex!

ALEX, THE NOTARY: Wow, this has been unbelievable. Jerry, your signature is the funniest one I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen a lot of funny signatures. Chris, I know plenty of black notaries. Or maybe they’re white guys covered up with ink. Amy, I’m thrilled you were flirting with me. Then again, no one ever has before, so I don’t actually know what flirting looks like. And Don Rickles, you are my hero. I’m a notary, so that’s not saying much. Thanks everybody… SIGNING off!

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Witnessing the intake forms for Notary Heaven

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Humorous Posts,Popular on Linked In,Popular on Twitter 2011,Popular Overall,Ultra-Popular — Tags: , , , — admin @ 9:33 pm

Clerk: “NEXT!!!!”

Clerk: “You were. Ahh. It says here on your Akashic records that you were a decent notary. You never backdated. That’s just herely.”
Sal: “Pardon?”
Clerk: “Heavenly. But… On your Match.com profile, you front-dated to make yourself younger, but the women you met also front-dated and it all evened out, so no problem there. Back to your records… You never signed without having a current ID with a matching name. You were rarely late to any appointments, and you made a courtesy call when you knew you’d be late. Too bad you were late on your child support payments.”
Sal: “Better late than never.”
Clerk: “As in dead vs. never exist, I agree. Sign here.”
Sal: “I never had any kids, by the way. You must be confusing me with somebody else.”

Clerk: “You must be confusing me with somebody who confuses you for somebody else.”
Heavenly Notary: “Can I see some ID?”
Sal: “I just died. My ID is with my body down there.”

Clerk: “His commission seal expired after he did. I already checked it in.”
Notary: “Your right thumb print, please. The one you hitched a ride with to get to the dance where you met your future wife to whom you gave thumbs down to timely child support.”
Sal: “Boy, you guys really know how to stay on topic.”

Clerk: “You are hereby appointed to Notary Heaven section 263, upper level.”
Notary: “Really? Upper level! I must have done something right? By the way, up here, is upper level a good thing?”

Clerk: “It’s where we put decent notaries who didn’t make their child support payments. It’s up in the nosebleed section. But since noses don’t bleed here, no worries. Be glad you’re not headed to where we stick the backdaters.”
Sal: “Uhh… Where’s that?” Clerk: “Notary purgatory. For all of eternity, they’ll have to remind clients to stop signing differently on each page, so it’s consistent.” Sal: “Okay, but once again, I never had children. Perhaps there’s another Sal who used my social security number and…”
Heavenly Bouncer: “You’re coming with me, kid…”
Sal: “Thanks for calling me a kid. I guess compared to all of eternity, I am on the youthful side.”
Bouncer: “Up these stairs over here.”
Sal: “They don’t have escalators in heaven? Not that I’m complaining.”
Bouncer: “You’re getting aerobic exercise. It will make you feel therely.”

Sal: “Oh, okay. Wait a minute! … There-ly? Don’t you mean here-ly?”
Bouncer: “We just left heaven. This is heaven-adjacent. The address still sounds reasonably fancy, but the neighborhood’s a little seedier. For the seedier folks who shirked their child support payments.”
Sal: “Listen… I didn’t get your name.”
Bouncer: “What do you mean?” Sal: “Your name. I didn’t get your name.” Bouncer: “My name is ‘What do you mean.’ In heaven-adjacent, it makes confused new members sound like they’re my friends.” Sal: “Is there any way to appeal the whole child support issue?”
Bouncer: “You can take that up with the staff in section 263.”
Sal: “What do you mean?” Bouncer: “Yes?” Sal: “Never mind.”

263 Host: “Welcome to section 263. We’ve been expecting you! The accommodations here are adequate, and the food isn’t terrible.”
Sal: “That doesn’t sound… terrible.”
263 Host: “As for the enticing food descriptions in the menu, don’t ask me to affirm them under the penalties of perjury. Oh, and the full portions are reduced by thirty percent, because SOMEONE in the brighter world didn’t make their section 263 support payments. Ring a bell?”
Sal: “How could I have been a deadbeat before I was actually dead?”
263 Host: “Have a nice eternity.”

———————–
Old Version
———————–

Sal: “Hi, I’m Sal”
Clerk: “You sure are. Hmm. It says here on your Akashic records that you were a good notary. You never backdated. You never signed without having a current ID with a matching name. You were rarely late to any appointments, and you made a courtesy call when you were going to be late. Too bad you were late on your child support payments.
Sal: “Hey, excuse me. I think there is a mistake here. You see I…”
Clerk: “Sign here”
Notary: “Can I see some ID sir?”
Sal: “Hey, give me a break, I just died. My ID is with my body down there. I never had kids by the way, you must be confusing me with…”
Clerk: “Sure you didn’t. Where have I heard that before.”
Notary: “Your right paw-print please.”
Clerk: “You are appointed to Notary Heaven section 263, upper level.”
Notary: “And what did I do to merit such a place? By the way, is that a good place?”
Clerk: “That’s where we put good notaries who didn’t make their child support payments. It’s a whole lot better than where we put the backdaters. I’ll leave that to your imagination.”
Sal: “Okay, but once again, I never had children. Perhaps there is another Sal who used my social security number and…”
Bouncer: “You’re coming with me kid…”
Sal: “Oooh, strong grip…”
Bouncer: “Up these stairs over here.”
Sal: “Is this heaven or is this a prison?”
Bouncer: “Think of all of god’s creation as a karmic realm of one sort or the other. Certain realms are more desirable than others.”
Sal: “Is there any way to appeal the whole child support issue?”
Bouncer: “You can take that up with the staff in section 263. Have a nice day!”

263 Staff: “Welcome to section 263. We have been expecting you! The accommodations here are honest, and the food is not bad, but you only get 70% portions because our funding got cut because SOMEONE in the brighter world didn’t make their section 263 support payments. Sound familiar?”
Sal: “Yeah, about that. I was hoping that we could…”
263 Staff: “NEXT….”

Tweets:
(1) Notary Heaven Section 263: That’s where we put good notaries who didn’t make their child support payments.
(2) Hmm. It says here on your Akashic records that you were a good notary. You never backdated.
(3) I just died, my ID is with my body down there.
(4) Notary Heaven Section 263: That’s where we put good notaries who didn’t make their child support payments.
(5) Hmm. It says here on your Akashic records that you were a good notary. You never backdated.
(6) I just died, my ID is with my body down there.
(7) The notary heaven clerk noted that his commission seal expired after he did.
(8) Notary purgatory: For all of eternity, dead notaries get clients who sign differently on each page.

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How much do signing companies lose by hiring bad signers?

Filed under: Best Practices — admin @ 11:56 am

Many signing companies out there are very short sighted. They only care about getting someone fast who will do the job cheap. Whether or not the signing agents knows anything about notary work, documents or handling situations is generally not considered. Signing companies want you to be “familiar” with the documents. People who are “familiar” cannot answer questions about documents with any intelligence. They have seen the documents before, but cannot explain them. 123notary certified Notaries understand the documents 80-95%. Those who are merely “familiar” might be able to answer 40% of my questions on a good day. The serious types of mistakes Notaries normally make have nothing to do with being “familiar” with the documents but are Notary mistakes or handling situations incorrectly.

Error rates & damages
So, the question is, how much do signing companies lose when they hire bad signing agents? When you hire new agents the mistake rate might be anywhere from 1% to 12% realistically. Those odds are not good. I calculate that there might be a cleanup cost of a few hundred dollars per average mistake depending on what the mistake is. So, the average cost of damages per signing hiring bad signers might be $25 or $40 perhaps.

Will you lose your best Title company client?
However the price goes up when you consider all the Title company clients who dump you because you goofed on their precious work. If a Title company offers you $30,000 per month in jobs and you lose them because you saved $15 by hiring a dummy you found on Snapdocs or somewhere else, you might lose $1,000,000 in revenues over the next few years. Does that seem like a good exchange to you? Gain $15 and lose a million? Those are the odds you are playing with. Your profit on the million might only be $50,000. So, gain $15 and lose $50,000. Get the point?

What are the average damages per signing?
If you average it out on a job by job basis and consider the cleanup costs as well as the losing your best title company clients that you ever had and ever will have costs and put those two costs together, it might realistically be $25 per signing, or perhaps more that you lose on average due to hiring lousy signing agents.

So, why not hire good signing agents?
123notary went to a lot of trouble to filter out bad Notaries from our site. We also retested all of the people who have our certification icon. Our certified members are not perfect but far less risky than the average Notary. In my estimation, a 123notary certified member is ten times safer than hiring some random text addict on Snapdocs. But, don’t base your decision on my arbitrary guess — track signings for yourself and see if our certified members really are better and how much better.

How much extra is it worth to you to hire someone more knowledgeable and safer? I personally would pay a minimum of $20 extra to hire a 123notary certified member and $30 extra for an elite signer. What do you think signing companies?

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You might also like

Ken’s list of things Notaries goof or might goof on
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19427

Goofing on the RTC
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19612

Logic errors can cost you as a notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=20110

Notary fined $385 for botching a notarization
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19941

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The Notary Diet

Filed under: General Stories — admin @ 11:12 am

It is important for Notaries to be happy, healthy, and have a sense of identity. So I suggest, The Notary Diet. My idea for a Notary diet is to be having power foods all day long so you can endure long hours of driving and sluggish signers.

Breakfast

Oatmeal
Put walnuts, sliced almonds, ground cocoa nibs (for antioxidants), and various types of berries (good for cleaning arteries) in your oatmeal along with a little brown sugar for taste. . This combination will give you minerals, brain food, and clean out your arteries too. Wine cleans arteries, but berries are a better way to do that in the morning especially if you have to drive.

Cranberries and pumpkin seeds are good for the prostate, so you can have a “he breakfast” with these natural ingredients added to your oatmeal or on the side. Then have a banana for your colon.

Green tea & Coffee are both good for you and have phytonutrients. But, green tea is better for phyting cancer! Just don’t drink too much as it is high in stimulants and may trigger palpitations and a phyte or phlyte reaction. I think they should call the nutrients PhytoOrPhlytoNutrients to be honest.

Lunch

Start with a apple for your liver and colon, then mango for your lungs. You can read about the attributes of these amazing and delicious foods online. Have less processed foods and stick to these proven winners so you stay healthy and avoid cancer and strokes.

Avocados are a natural super food. Lentils and rice are a great way to have energy to last the day. You need that during signings. Seeds and lentils have six times as much nutrition as regular beans or nuts believe it or not.

A sandwich with some meat and veggies is good too for protein, vitamins, minerals and fiber in each bite.

Dinner

Eggs have amazing nutrition. They have everything a chick needs to endure weeks in captivity. In fact, eggs have a lot of the nutrition that is almost impossible to get in other foods such as E, Q10, B12, and K2. You need all of these, but how do you get them, especially if you are a chicken fetus? Then have soups with celery, cabbage, kale, barley, potatoes, herbs and spices. This will be very good for your colon. If you want protein, salmon is a very healthy source of it.

Remember that spices can be very good for your circulation, liver and general health as they have a lot of phytonutrients which are critical to combating cancer and staying healthy.

Lentils are a superfood. Lentils have six times the nutrition as beans ounce per ounce and the same general type of nutrition.
Seeds have six times the nutrition as nuts and similar types of nutrients as in nuts.

I hope you like my ideas for staying healthy. You can look up super foods on Google and learn the ropes for staying healthy. I have super foods daily and they are really good for you. Exercising and having a healthy lifestyle is important too.

Exercise
Most Americans do not walk around enough. Dr. Mercola is a natural doctor and recommends walking nine miles a day in addition to going to the gym. He and other doctors inspired me to do more walking. I have been doing two walks a day, each for almost an hour and the weight is coming off. Walking and swimming are the best type of exercises for human beings. They are safe, pleasant and matching how God created us — just as long as you don’t get run over by a crazy six year old on a bike who is riding on the side walk. Yes, it happened to me and I gave the father a dirty look.

Supplements

The supplements I recommend are:

Grape Seed Extract — good for general circulation, eyes, toes, anti-cancer, brain health, scavenger anti-oxidant, and more.

Q10 — This occurs naturally in eggs and liver, but you can get effective Q10 in a supplement too. Great for rebuilding the tissue in your heart and arteries. I take this regularly.

Lutein and Zeaxanthin – Most people experience eye degeneration. Me too. But, by exercising and having greens and these supplements, believe it or not, my left eye is getting a lot better.

Psyllium Husks — This is a fiber supplement that will clean up your colon, give you healthy looking bowel movements and protect you from colon cancer.

Salmon Oil — This is a great way to clean up your blood from triglycerides the natural way along with diet and exercise. Or have a few ounces of salmon a few times a week. Make sure the salmon lived in a clean environment so you don’t get too many toxins.

Hawthorne Root — Great for general circulation

Milk Thistle & Dandilion — Amazing for rebuilding your liver’s cells. If you eat an American diet you need this.

B12 — If you are low in energy, there might be various causes. B12 complex can fill in one of the blanks.

Eggs — I treat eggs like vitamin pills. It has all the nutrients that are hard to find in regular foods.

Almonds – High in vitamin E.

Olive Oil — Also high in vitamin E and healthy in other ways.

Aloe — Good for moisturizing your colon.

Mulberry Juice – Great for cleaning up your arteries. In my experience it is more effective than any other berry and perhaps even better than wine.

Pumpkin Seeds — Good for the prostate.

Cranberry Juice — Also good for the prostate.

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Doing Oaths? Use a multiple choice form to pick a deity!

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , — admin @ 10:40 am

The politically correct movement has swept the nation. Even in places like Alabama, people are shying away from the mention of God and doing Affirmations instead of Oaths. The problem I have with this is that there are customs involving Oaths that make the Oath formal and solemn, and by doing away with these customs, in my opinion, you undermine the whole Oath experience.

A traditional Oath is done with the clause — so help you God at the end.

Nowadays you can pick your favorite diety in an Oath, or at least that is what many Notaries feel. The way I teach Oaths, you can only swear to God and nobody else. If you don’t like God or the mention of God, then try an Affirmation which has you affirm on your honor. The picking of divine entities bothers me because the Oath procedure becomes a free for all. It is like Gay marriage. Now a man can marry a man, woman, sheep, or even a lion in some states (just kidding.) Below are some examples of this convoluted change in Oath procedure.

NOTARY: I am going to administer an Oath to you. So, I will need you to pick a deity to swear to. For me to do the Oath verbiage correctly, please let me know your choice of deities in advance. For God press A, for Lord Krishna press B, for Muhammad C (although that would be forbidden in Islam to swear to anyone other than God), and for Shinto-Man press D.

SIGNER: I don’t really care.

NOTARY: Oh, I am just being sensitive. Do you have a preference?

SIGNER: I’ll pick Ganesh for $50.

NOTARY: I don’t think Ganesh is for sale, but here goes. Do you solemnly swear that the contents of this document are true and correct so help you Ganesh?

SIGNER: I do. I swear by his tusk. He’s an elephant so I assume he has a tusk, unless he was detuskified.

The ironies of these types of Oaths are that the Notaries put so much effort into avoiding offending the Affiant (a word most Notaries do not even know) that they fail to maintain the legality of the Oath by giving off-topic Oaths perhaps regarding whether or not you signed the document on your own free will, or if your name is really John Smith. The Oath must be to the truthfulness of the document as a primary focus. But Notary focus is on politically correct nonsense these days and not on the law. If there were a prison for Notaries who break the law, I would put them in a very politically prison where they are referred to as Notarial-Americans instead of Notaries.

Here is another example. The signer is being particular about his preferences.

SIGNER: I need an Oath.

NOTARY: Oh, would you like to have an Oath under God, or some other diety.

SIGNER: Is it possible to swear to Vishnu because I am a Vaishnav.

NOTARY: A what?

SIGNER: A Vaishnav is a type of Hindu that believes in Vishnu just like a Shivite prays to Shiva.

NOTARY: Who?

SIGNER: How can you administer an Oath to me for a God that you don’t even know the name of?

NOTARY: Okay… Do you solemnly Affirm under the supreme rule of Vaishoo…

SIGNER: Not only did you mispronounce the name of my God, but you don’t even know the names of the words in a real Oath. In an Oath you swear not affirm, and in an Affirmation you affirm, not swear. You can’t just mix-match the words any way you like. The minute the word swear is not there, it is no longer an Oath.

NOTARY: Yes, but they are legally the same.

SIGNER: Be that as it may, I have the right to choose the type of Notarization, and you re-chose a different act on your own initiative which is not legal. If you spent more time following the law and less time playing multiple choice with deities you might be a better Notary. You might even become a law abiding Notary!

NOTARY: You’re rude! But, we’ll do the Oath again. And the deity of the day is Jupiter. I want to do a Greek God today.

SIGNER: Doing Oaths is not like deciding what type of dressing to put on your mandarin salad. This is a legal process and there are rules. You might not know what the rules are, but there still are rules. I am reporting you to the Secretary of State. I am sick of this nonsense. You are commissioned to do notary work, yet you don’t even know how to do the simplest acts. Unbelievable. My Vishnu… Ooops, I used the lord’s name in vein.

NOTARY: Don’t worry, I won’t report you.

Jeremy’s advice
Unless you have read up on your state’s laws and know which Gods are admissible for an Oath, stick to God, the founder of the universe. And in an Affirmation have the Affiant affirm on their personal honor. That is how I teach it and it is simpler that way. You may not think anyone is checking up on your when you are doing Oaths — but, God is, so use his name if you do an Oath. And if someone doesn’t like mentioning God, do an Affirmation. And remember — if they are Unitarian, the last time God was mentioned was when the janitor hit is thumb with a hammer.

.

You might also like:

Airline meals vs. Notary Oaths & Affirmations
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19549

Notary Public 101 – Oaths, Affirmations, Jurats & Acknowledgments
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19500

Should you give book wording for Oaths or improvise?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19660

Oaths – how Notaries completely screw them up
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19369

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How Carmen dealt with some Alt-Right customers

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Popular Overall,Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: — admin @ 7:49 am

Many of you do not know this, but in addition to doing sales on 123notary.com, Carmen is also a Notary. Carmen was chosen to help us here at 123notary because she knows the Notary and signing business inside out and has great oral communication skills. Carmen normally picks and chooses which customers she takes to avoid the riff-raff. But, this last drama was out of the ordinary.

(ring-ring)

PAUL: (on phone) Hi, my name is Paul, and we will need some documents Notarized at Maggiano’s.

CARMEN: Fine, I charge $50 travel fee plus $10 per Notarized signatures. I give a discount if you have more than five signatures.

PAUL: Well, we only have one, and we have cash, so you are in luck.

(Carmen drives to the Maggiano’s location)

GROUP: Hail Trump!!! (raising right arm to do Nazi type salute)

MAGGIANO’S STAFF: Oh, my God, what an embarrassment. We gave them a Cesar salad, they should be hailing Caesar, not Trump! Besides, what will our politically correct left-wing customers who control all of our thoughts and actions say?

CARMEN: I’ll tell you what they’ll say. For starters you need to screen your groups just the way Notaries need to screen their signing companies. Otherwise, there’s no telling what type of bozos you’ll get. Second, you need to take a closer eye on people. That’s what I do. The minute I see someone doing a Nazi salute — that’s a warning sign right there! If you’re not watching, you’ll find out after the fact!

PAUL: Hi Carmen, thanks for coming.

CARMEN: What type of group is this? Are you Gestappo Trump supporters?

PAUL: We are just trying to protect our legacy and inheritance.

CARMEN: I understand exactly how you feel — I’m trying to do the same — in my own way.

PAUL: By voting against Trump?

CARMEN: That’s one of my methods. Checking people’s ID’s is another. Let’s see some ID please.

PAUL: Here it is. You might not realize that’s me, because I had the photo taken during my skinhead days. I hope you don’t take offense at that.

CARMEN: That will do. And by the way, the problem is not the skin on your head. The problem is what’s under the skin. So, this is an Affidavit of protection for the motherland. A document that makes you swear to protect your land against all enemies foreign and domestic and not to abandon your cause for light and transient causes. Okay. Sign here!

PAUL: Got it.

CARMEN: Now, raise your right arm and say hail! Do you solemnly swear that you will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth and that you will protect the motherland to the best of your abilities come hell, fire, damnation, or hail-storms?

PAUL: Hail… I mean, yes I do.

CARMEN: Okay, I’m affixing my official seal courtesy of the State of California. You can consider yourself legally Notarized.

PAUL: Here’s $80.

CARMEN: You only owe me $60.

PAUL: I know, but you’ll need some extra on the boat going back to you know where!

CARMEN: You racist!!! I can’t believe you said that! By the way, I had a dream about that boat. It was the longest boat ride of my life, and the only doctor on board was Dr. Pepper. What a bunch of loons! I’m so upset, I’m calling Jeremy to tell him what happened.

JEREMY: Yes Carmen

CARMEN: You wouldn’t believe what happened. I did a Notarization for Alt-Right, and (blah blah blah, etc.) I just wish I could press a magic button and have these people disappear.

JEREMY: Well you can. Just go to your computer and say, “There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home — and then click the keys CTRL-ALT-RIGHT-DELETE three times.

CARMEN: Okay, I’ll do that.. There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home…. click… click.. click… Where am I?

TIM: You were just having a bad dream mom. It must be that whole Trump election and everything that’s going on in the news.

CARMEN: From now on, I’m being careful about who I notarize!

———————————-

The next job Carmen took was from Black Lives Matter

DeSHEA: Hi Carmen, I need 200 documents notarized for the cause.

CARMEN: I’m with you brother!

DeSHEA: When can you be here?

CARMEN: I’m on my way. I have a package rate of $50 travel, $10 per signature, and $5 per signature after you are on your sixth. But, for you, I will work for a package rate of $300 for the whole stack!

DeSHEA: You’re my kind of sister!

CARMEN: Okay, here I am.

DeSHEA: There’s a problem

CARMEN: What problem is that?

DeSHEA: We’re concerned that although you black, you ain’t black…. eeee-nuff.

CARMEN: Not black enough? How black I gotta be brutha?

DeSHEA: We do blood tests here from ancestry.com, and if you are less than 87% of Sub-Saharan African ancestry, you can not be affiliated with our group, nor can you work for us. I’m afraid this is a policy.

CARMEN: So, if I’m more than 13% something else, I can’t work for you? Oh my God. This Trump election is making people more crazy all around the country!

——————————-

Finally, a job offer comes in from Mulatto Lives Matter.

KIM: Carmen, we need your help for the cause.

CARMEN: I’m with you sister. I just had a horrible experience with the, “Let’s make America white again” group as well as the Black lives matter group who disowns you the minute you are 13% or more something else according to ancestry.com. I’m with you sister.

KIM: We we’re more flexible here. You can be 13.1 to 87.3% black and we will accept you over here. We need ten documents notarized.

CARMEN: I’m there.

KIM: In the mean time while we wait for the signers, would you like a vanilla latte in a zebra cup? It’s symbolic of our movement.

CARMEN: A vanilla latte… what? Next thing you’re going to ask me is if I want the whole cup or just 50-50.

KIM: Hi Carmen. Thanks for coming. There are ten different signers and not all of them can come at the same time, so you’ll have to wait.

CARMEN: I charge waiting time by the way at the rate of $20 per twenty minutes payable up front as well as my $50 travel fee.

KIM: Oh. I didn’t know that up front.

CARMEN: I didn’t know you’d keep me waiting all day up front either. You could have warned me.

KIM: Well, I don’t think we’re a good fit.

————————————

CARMEN: Jeremy, these’ political groups are killing me. They’re either racists, or completely irresponsible or both. The Alt-Right wants to deport me, but they sure tip good. The Black LIves Matter openly discriminated against me and Mulatto Lives Matter wanted to keep me waiting all day without any guarantee of payment. I think I was better off with the Alt-Right — at least they were on time and gave me extra, but I deleted them!

JEREMY: Carmen, I know how you feel. I’ve been through similar things in my life. Sometimes everybody is bad in one way or another, and it’s hard to figure out who NOT to CTRL-ALT-DEL. But, I have a solution. I call it, “The final solution.”

CARMEN: That’s sounds Nazi, but lay it on me.

JEREMY: The final solution is not to work for any of those groups. Work for ALT-123. We are even handed, moderate, and judge you by the content of your merit, and NOT by the color of your ink.

CARMEN: I heard that! Dr. King would be proud.

JEREMY: And Dr. Pepper too.

CARMEN: Dr. Pepper? Oh. I must have told you about my dream. Anyway. I’m going to take a nap now.

———————————-

(snooze)

CARMEN: Oh, no. I must be dreaming again. I’m on the boat. But, this time it’s worse. They’re out of Dr. Pepper which I’ve heard has healing properties. What will I do. Oh, there’s some people drinking Snapple. Can I have some Snapple?

TYZONE: It’s 13.1% juice.

CARMEN: First of all, how did you get that name? Did your mama give birth you in the bathroom of a pizza parlor when her car broke down on the way to the hospital? And Second — 13.1%? Am I allowed to drink Snapple if it’s 13.1% juice, or does it have to be under 13% juice, or under 13% something other than juice. I’m confused. Let me go to my computer.

TYZONE: There’s no computer on this boat baby.

CARMEN: I brought my own. CTRL-ALT-RIGHT-DEL…… ALT-123… There’s no place like 123!!!! Oh, that was fun, I want to do that again!

(Meanwhile Carmen drifts off again and has another dream. This time David Duke was on a refugee boat filled with Alt-Right people on a one-way journey to Europe while Carmen was on land in America watching him drift by.)

DAVID DUKE: Hey Carmen, two things. Can you toss a Dr. Pepper on board? And one more thing. Can’t we all just get along?

CARMEN: That’s exactly what I’ve been wanting to ask you all of these decades!

.

You might also like:

Black Notaries vs. White Notaries – The Notary Manual
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19322

Notary Jail
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19666

Protesters & A statue of a Notary who had slaves
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19696

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