January 2011 - Page 3 of 21 - Notary Blog - Signing Tips, Marketing Tips, General Notary Advice - 123notary.com
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January 28, 2011

Notary Psychic Tarot Card Reading

Filed under: Humorous Posts — Tags: — admin @ 8:18 am

A Notary went to see a Notary Psychic to learn how to do his job better and see what was in store for him. Here is what happened…

NOTARY: Hello. I want to know my future.

CLARA: Spoiler alert: You die.

NOTARY: My nearer future!

CLARA: I predict you are willing to pay $50 cash for this information.

NOTARY: Umm…. I’ll have to pay in you ones because I was planning on going to a strip club and then changed my mind at the last minute.

CLARA: Don’t expect me to give you a lap dance. I’ll reciprocate by stripping off the veil to your future.

NOTARY: Actually I think it’s more like a burka, but that’s fine. So, will I get many Notary clients?

CLARA: Hold on, I am looking into crystal ball. Actually I do not need ball for this one. You must to spend a few hundred to get top spot on 123notary in your local area plus have amazing notes section and many reviews from satisfied clients who tipped you with one dollar bills.

NOTARY: Okay, writing this down… Can you tell me what will happen to me this week?

CLARA: Okay, I use Notary tarot cards… Hold on… I must meditate on this. Okay… this first card has an upside down Notary seal. It indicates that something dubious will happen. Keep eyes open for fake ID from client, especially if he’s teenager asking you to buy him booze. Or is Russian client and I have many of those. But, if you have Russian client refer them to me — they spend mint on psychics.

NOTARY: Interesting. How did you get your name?

CLARA: I am Clara because I am Clara-Voyant.

NOTARY: I should have known. Then again, I’m not clairvoyant.

CLARA: I knew that. Now I get Notary Gypsy card. Notary Gypsy sees future and past, but cannot make sense of the present. This means you will be confused at present-day Notary job, who you did good work for in the past, but will give the client great advice for their future.

NOTARY: I had a client like that last week. As for my clients in the present, too confusing. What about next month?

CLARA: Let’s see. Oh… I got the commission expiration card. That means something in your career will end, but something new will begin. Maybe you’ll stop using SnapDocs and pass the 123notary certification test that you have been procrastinating about for the last several months.

NOTARY: Oh yeah, I keep procrastinating about meaning to do that. Can you look in your ball too?

CLARA: Yes. I think Coca-Cola stock will go up 2 points next week, but it’s not like I have a crystal ball… ooops, actually I do have a crystal ball — forgot! Okay, I am seeing an ancestor of yours who was a Notary in Slovakia. He wishes to guide you in your career. Ooops, it’s actually someone else’s ancestor. Damn this cheap crystal. That’s the last time I bid for a used crystal on ebay! Okay, I use my old crystal from Russia, it’s cracked, but Gypsies use it for generations. Just never mind crack on left. Okay! You will sign a Power of Attorney.

NOTARY: Duh, you don’t have to be a psychic to know that!

CLARA: I predicted you’d say that. You were a Notary in a past life in Japan. It’s the last time someone bowed to you… Wait… Wait… I’m seeing something else. You worked for the court of the emperor and pleased him. He made you to very high position. It is your destiny to rise to high position in this life too as a result of past life karma.

NOTARY: Oh! What kind of high position will I get?

CLARA: Hold on… I am seeing Attorneys… Yes… Attorneys with lots of money… and lots of power.. Wait a second, isn’t that what I just said. Power of Attorney.

NOTARY: No, you said Power of Attorney, but now you are saying Powerful Attorneys.

CLARA: What is difference?

NOTARY: Let me use your tarot card deck. Oh, what a surprise. I got the Notary card with a seal stamping a document that says, “It’s time to learn English, honey!”

.

You might also like:

Psych Notary Episode – did the body die of food poisoning or was it murdered?
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=psych

The secret to happiness? It’s all in your mind!
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19604

My bad karma from testing people by phone
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19447

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January 27, 2011

Notary Indian Tandoori Restaurant

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , — admin @ 9:56 pm

Welcome to the Notary Indian Restaurant where you have the right to cancel your curry within three minutes of receiving it if it is not spicy enough. The multi-state masala is another favorite of our customers. Try it with goat, lamb, chicken or any other animal that goes baah… baah… But, not beef as that is against our religion! Below are some favorite dishes.

Affidavit of Naan-Compliance — (available with garlic or onion naan as well.)
Subscribing Samosas
Prepayment Pakoras
Piggy Back Pilaf — (not made with real pig as that is against our religion too!)
Mortgage Makhani
Square Naans with imprints of cast iron Notary seals (cooked in a tandoori clay oven)
Kommission Kabobs (enjoy them until the end of your commission.)
Duress Dosas — (this is South Indian food that is normally force fed to guests, hence the name)
Initialed Idlis — (made in the shape of letters, hence the name)
Unsubscribing Witness Uthapam — (South Indian too, pure vegetarian. If you don’t like them, just unsubscribe)

You can also adjust the spice level. But, since there are so many different standards for spicing, there has been some controversy. The Notary Indian Restaurant was found guilty of cultural profiling. A Southerner went in an ordered food medium, but found it was only mild because the waiter thought he couldn’t handle it. Then an Indian guy went in and ordered a dish medium and got it so spicy hot he couldn’t finish it without ten glasses of water and two yogurt drinks. Finally, the department of spice and safety had to come over and set some standards. Now there are different scales of spiciness, and all on a scale of one to ten. There is:

On a scale of 1-10:
American South — the most mild standards in the industry.
California — this standard is milder than Punjab by two notches, but more adventurous than the South.
Punjab — (Punjab is in the middle of spiciness standards unlike Pune which makes everything far too spicy.)
Mexico — just as long as they don’t use habanero, Mexico is quite handleable.
Thailand — this standard is hot, but still not as bad as Pune.
Pune — Pune is in West India near Mumbai. 1 is medium, 2 is deadly, 3 is ulcer, and 4-10 are ulcer times three!!!

WAITER: And yes, how hot would you like your food?

CUSTOMER: Medium +

WAITER: Is that medium plus based on Alabama Standards, California, Punjab, Mexico, Thailand or Pune, not that you’ve ever been to Pune.

CUSTOMER: I have been to Pune and have the ulcers to prove it. Just ask for my medical report. I think that Punjab in North India should be the world standards for spiciness since they are right in the middle of the six official standards!

WAITER: Agreed. So Punjabi level 6 spicing, will that be okay?

CUSTOMER: Yes, but you will have to fill out the affidavit of spiciness.

WAITER: We already have one filled out sir. Here it is.

CUSTOMER: Yeah, but did you have it Notarized?

WAITER: But, of course

CUSTOMER: By 123notary?

WAITER: Well no…

CUSTOMER: Then, I can’t eat that curry. We’ll see ya’ll later!

.

You might also like:

Notary Italian Restaurant
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16493

Notary Nook — a fast food restaurant for Notaries
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=9693

The Notary Dating Show
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15312

Notary Sushi Bar
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15093

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You know you’re a notary when…

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Humorous Posts,Popular on Linked In — Tags: , , , , , — admin @ 10:52 am

You know you’re a Notary Public when…

(1) You go to a bar and ID the bartender before he has a chance to ID you.
(2) You ID every girl you date even when their high school yearbook is over 18
(3) You like Oreo cookies because they’re embossed.
(4) Your favorite ice cream is from Jen & Sherry’s, Rescinded Rum Raisin
(5) You background screen your golf buddies before going out into the course with them
(6) You have a bumper sticker that says “I’d rather be signing”
(7) You spend so much time with your GPS that you make Siri sign a prenup.
(8) You spend so much time with your GPS that you know all of its most intimate pieces of information such as favorite foods, birthdays, favorite roads, and mother’s maiden name.
(9) You become famous, people ask for your autograph and you’d rather have theirs
(10) Your mailbox and inbox are cluttered by twelve different notary organizations.
(11) Your Jewish son meets a nice Jewish girl and you ask, “Is she a notary?”
(12) Your favorite seafood is squid because it never needs an ink refill.
(13) When you get your parking validated, you rip the stamp out of the person’s hands so you can stamp it yourself.
(14) You comment, “Gee, your hairstyle doesn’t match your ID,” when you meet someone at a bar.
(15) You compliment people on their signatures — “Gee, that’s a lovely cursive.”
(16) You take pawprints of the animals in the neighborhood just in case they get lost.
(17) You spend your spare time last weekend writing a letter to the State of Nevada criticizing them for allowing drivers licenses to be valid for 20 years.
(18) When you go to court (for whatever reason) you correct the bailiff’s Oath wording.
(19) You wear a T-shirt saying, “I’m not your husband’s mistress, I’m the Notary!”
(20) You have an NNA towel that you take to the beach (if such a thing exists)
(21) All guests entering your house must personally appear before you and sign the journal, put a date and time, plus reason for entry.
(22) Your favorite California wine is the Notary Public Cabernet – You’d swear under oath it’s the best vino there is if you weren’t busy slurring your notary verbiage
(23) When your friend asked you, “Can I turn left here?” You respond, “I am not an Attorney and may not answer legal questions or perform loan signings in the state of Georgia. I am just a Notary.”
(24) When you go to cocktail parties and people ask what you do you respond, “Next question.”
(25) When you go to a bar, you always order their signature drinks.
(26) When someone asks how old your young children are, instead of measuring their age in weeks or months, you measure it in fractions of a commission. Oh this one? Judy? Yeah, we got her during my 2nd commission. But, Fred over here we’ve had since before I was commissioned at all. He must be getting old now.
(27) You ask your Jewish friends if they need their kid’s Bar-Mitzvahs Notarized.
(28) If your friend invites you to a party and then calls you to change the venue, you offer to initial the change.
(29) You have a bumper sticker saying — Warning, I brake for Mortgage Brokers.
(30) You have another bumper sticker saying — Notary on Board
(31) You have a happy hour menu with special prices for Jurats.
(32) Your favorite Chinese restaurant has fortune cookies that read — He who backdate live long life, but have short commission.
(33) You have a special credit card that gives double miles if you stay at The Notary Hotel
(34) When you see a girl with a nice tan, you comment that she must have used a lot of toner to get that look.
(35) When you go out for steak you only get certified Angus steak.
(36) When charitable organizations send you 500 labels with your home address on it, you throw them out as you prefer to use a customized stamp.
(36) Your favorite movie was — Honey, I Notarized the Kids.

.

You might also like:

Notary Aptitude Test
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15853

You know you’re a good Notary when you…
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14912

30 point quiz: Jeopardy
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14557

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Notary Sushi Bar

Filed under: Humorous Posts — Tags: , , — admin @ 10:51 am

Just for the record, I just went to a new sushi bar at Universal City Walk. I have to go there to visit the Zen Oxygen Bar. I lose a lot of energy unless I get my O2 from time to time. My regular spot at Panda Inn closed down, so I was off to try a new place. Right next door there is a spot owned by a famous celebrity chef. I mentioned that this chef could come up with a novelty chocolate dessert that is shaped like a hockey puck. They could call it “Wolfgang’s Puck.” I’m sure it would be a top seller.

I just tried a new chicken stir fry dish at this new sushi bar. It was great. But, I asked them what it would be like it their restaurant was a Notary sushi bar. They had no idea.

The Multi-State Miso Soup
This was the best I’ve ever had. And it comes with it’s own rider you have to sign before enjoying the soup. The kelp in the soup was top notch as well.

Embossed puck shaped sushi anyone?
Instead of sushi rolls, they had sushi that was the size of silver dollars and embossed. It was more of a raw fish sandwich with embossed rice on the top and bottom, and spicy tuna in the middle. Hard to dip into the Signature Soy Sauce and “Witness Wasabi” mixture.

Scilicit Soy Paper
Then, there was the Scilicit Soy Paper so flat, you could write a venue on the top. State of California, County of Los Angeles.

Subordination Soba
For noodle dishes they had Universal Udon and Subordination Soba. I got used to the idea of cold noodles, and soba is a national favorite of Japan. Lean buckwheat noodles! You can’t go wrong! The Thai’s have a dish called “Drunken Noodles” while the Japanese have “Soba.” The question is, which noodle dish should you have first? Yesterday, I had monsoon noodles. That is what Natalie Thai calls their drunken noodles. Either way, they are one of my favorite Thai restaurants.

Subscribing Sake
One shot of this and you might be under the table. But, honestly, Korean soju is much more potent than sake any day. I can’t handle it!

Kim Jong Eel Roll
Tired of politics, and just want to eat? This will be the perfect culinary solution to your problems. It has a California roll with eel, eel sauce, and tempura flakes, plus a little kim-chee on the side. Hence the name, the Kim Jong Eel Roll.

Ousama Bin Latte
After your meal, if you want to wash it down with some coffee, consider a Ralph Macciato, Frank Sumatra, or their special Ousama Bin Latte.

Good Faith Green Tea Ice Cream
Forget about tempura ice cream. That is a novelty that never worked. But, green tea ice cream by itself, or with banana egg rolls really does the trick.

I’ll skip the last part about flood zone fortune cookies.

.

You might also like:

Sam’s Notary BBQ
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16490

Scribbles: A Notary Comedy Club
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15258

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How do you get reviews if you have multiple listings?

Filed under: Popular on Linked In,Reviews — admin @ 10:39 am

When people want additional areas on 123notary, there are different ways to sell it to them. I can put another area on their basic listing and give them high placement in that other area. Or, I can sell them a completely new n# in another county. The people who get a separate listing tend to renew these spots more in the long run. However, they get mad because the reviews from the original listing do not show up. So, what is the solution?

As I am looking for unique content on each listing, I want reviews to be organic to each listing. When people copy the reviews from one listing to another, the dates show up from the date they did the copying. Having five reviews from December 14, 2015 looks very cheesy. So, I allow the Notary to copy their favorite review. And I will copy another review on another day. That way they can start with two reviews that do not show up on the same day. Additionally, since these reviews are the best two out of how ever many they have, those reviews will carry a lot of weight.

A well written relatively current review is worth a lot more to the users than some dried up review from 2012. People will think you are washed out if you only have old reviews. So, having two new reviews is worth a lot. Then, you can get some new organic reviews on top of that. You only really need six reviews to do well on 123notary. After six, the return is very marginal if any.

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Miami Vice — a shipment of illegal notary seals

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Sit-Coms — admin @ 10:37 am

CHIEF: Sonny, you need to take care of this. There’s a shipment of illegal Notary seals coming in, but we have no intel on it. Can you handle it?

SONNY: I’m on it. But, I don’t have any reliable sources.

RICO: We’ll use any sources we can get. But, we do have something. Remember Nuggie?

SONNY: Oh God, him again? I’m on it.

(Rico and Sonny travel downtown)

RICO: Let’s get a Cuban cafe first and then find out guy.

SONNY: Deal. I just hope our Ferrari is safe. We’ll keep it in eye distance. Besides it has an alarm.

RICO: Dos cafes cubanos por favor. Y rapido tambien. (Two Cuban coffes, and make it fast!)

(gunshots ring out)

SONNY: Get down….. (pause) I think our plan has a hole in it. Make that a coffee cup with a hole in it. I’ll call it in. (ring ring) Hey, there were gun shots on Sunset BLVD. We have no idea what it was about, but the car sped off and they’re gone now.

GINA: Okay. You can finish your coffee now.

SONNY: How did you know we were having coffee?

GINA: Oh, just a hunch. Call it women’s intuition.

NUGGIE: Hey man, how are my boys doing. The Nug-man has arrived, and arrived in style. Check out my new shades. My new wife bought me these. Ha ha!!! Don’t keep me long because the Nuggie has to Boogie, you dig?

SONNY: We dig. Listen. Do you know anything about a shipment of illegal Notary seals coming into Miami harbor on a freighter in the next few days.

NUGGIE: That all depends on who and how much is asking.

SONNY: Rico, do you have a hundred?

RICO: Here’s two Ben Franklins. This one’s important.

NUGGIE: Oh, allright. Benjamin is doing the asking in repetition. All I know if that a guy named Sanchez is moving some heavy cargo from the Dominican Republic. Word on the street is that they have a seal forging plant over there and the action is hot and humid. You dig?

RICO: Do you know anything about where and when? Or a last name?

NUGGIE: He’s in his late 40’s, Cuban and had a mustache last time I checked. His organization prefers to use fishing boats, but they switch things up quite a bit to keep the authorities guessing.

RICO: Thanks Nuggie, you’ve been a huge help.

SONNY: (ring ring) Gina, do you have any intel on a guy named Sanchez who smuggles using fishing boats?

GINA: Last I heard, he was smuggling fishing boats. What a great cover.

SONNY: Very funny. Do you have anything?

GINA: We have a profile on the guy I think you are talking about. We have names, addresses, and rap sheets.

SONNY: Great, we’ll get the bug van and see if we can pick up some knowledge tapping some phones.

(3 hours later)

VAN GUY: We got the van set up. Sanchez’s crew are in the address we are in front of. They are talking about all types of things. But, they have only mentioned stampers once. I guess by that they mean Notary Seal.

SONNY: Anything about a time or place?

VAN GUY: Nothing yet.

(six hours later)

VAN GUY: (ring ring) We got a time. Noon tomorrow, there’s going to be a transfer from one fishing boat to several inflatable motor boats. Real little ones. They will be carrying the merchandise underwater in bags. If there is any trouble, the seals will sink to the bottom and there will be no evidence unless you have frog guys.

RICO: I know how to dive. I’ll handle this.

VAN GUY: They put a big rock in the bag, so we will have to bring a decompression suit just in case you dive too deep.

TRUDY: Don’t we need a Navy Seal for this, instead of a Notary Seal. It sounds too dangerous for Rico. And where will he hang his suit when he’s diving?

RICO: I’m not worried about that because my wet suit comes with a wet tie, and matching spear gun just in case I need it.

GINA: Hey Sonny, remember that shooting when you were having Cuban coffee? I just found out that was not just a random shooting. That was a competitor of the guy you are chasing named Rubio. They have their own channels for selling fake Notary seals, and are moving in on the supplier.

SONNY: Change of plans guys. We are going to set up a rendevous between Rubio and Sanchez. Either they kill each other, or we can arrest all of them all in one meet. Rico, you pretend to be one of Rubio’s guys and set up the meet. In the ocean. The dress code is wet suits.

RICO: I’m on it.

(nine hours later — at the meet in the ocean. Rubio’s guys try to hijack the merchandise. There is a shoot out. Half of Rubio’s guys are killed and retreat at high speed far away. Sanchez’s guys do not follow. After Rubio’s guys move out, Miami Vice moves in.)

RICO: Freeze, Miami Vice!

(Sanchez’s guys drop the Notary seals into the water. Rico jumps into the water with his spear gun)

VICTOR: Bubble bubble bubble

RICO: You don’t really bubble bubble mean that bubble?

(A secret deal was going on under water. There were five guys in wet suits with underwater guns. But, the Notary seals they were selling were underwater notary seals used by Jacque Cousteau.)

RICO: I’m going to need bubble up, I mean back bubble up. There are fbub-bub-bub-ive of them and only one of me.

SONNY: Damn it. I never thought of that. Ugh!!!!

RICO: But, I brought an underwater charge. I come prepared for this kind of thing mon.

(boom… meanwhile Sanchez’s guys bubble to the surface all disoriented after the underwater blast. Miami Vice has them at gun point. Sanchez puts a gun to his own head because he doesn’t want to go back to jail.

SONNY: Don’t do it. Just put the gun down.

SANCHEZ: I am never going back to jail again. I have had enough. (bang)

SONNY: No!!!!!!!!

After that, the seals were returned to the Florida Notary commission who did not want the seals because they said, “State of Florida, County of Underwater.”

(meanwhile back on Sonny’s boat)

RICO: That was quite a bust. I’ve never seen anything like it. Not in New York, not here. What’s up with your alligator, he is trying to eat his chain.

SONNY: I call it a classic case of “areptile disfunction.”

RICO: Ha ha ha ha ha. Good one.

.

You might also like:

A Notary travels from Florida to India.
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19636

Psych Notary Episode. Did the body die of food poisoning or was he murdered?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19397

Notaries in cars getting coffee.
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18945

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Mobile Office: Will it void your warranty?

Filed under: Business Tips,Popular on Twitter 2011 — admin @ 10:30 am

An important upgrade to make to your mobile notary service is having a mobile office, an office in your car. This means, at the very least, having a laser printer wired into the car; for some, it can mean a laptop and a scanner as well. It is expensive to keep going home to get documents printed, and our most successful notaries these days have a mobile office. You can write it off as a business expense (IRS Publication 463), and it will help you save time and make a great impression on the borrowers. We had a forum discussion about having a mobile office in 2010 http://www.123notary.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=2770 and in 2011:

Blog posts about mobile offices
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=mobile-offices

But, here is some more information to consider.

Recently, GM dealers told a mobile notary that to wire a laser printer into the car will void the warranty. It might cause a power train failure. Wiring in a laptop or a printer could void the power train warranty by altering the engine, and a mobile office is certainly a drain on the power of the vehicle. I assume that is why one of the notaries we spoke to in 2011 described the need for an extra-powerful alternator and battery, and why he puts the laptop on battery only while printing documents.

HOWEVER, another mobile notary who has a Dodge and an extensive mobile office just told us that to avoid the warranty issue, you have to install a second battery and a second alternator– which should actually not cost you more than $150, and does not void the warranty. Get information from a shop that installs car stereos, for example, says the notary who owns a Dodge. You can also google “How to install a mobile office in your car.”

Toyota, however, has said nothing official about such installations voiding the car’s warranty– and another mobile notary just went ahead and installed a printer and laptop through a friend who works on cars. The difference is–his Toyota is out of warranty anyway.

So if your vehicle is still under warranty and you plan on installing a mobile office–check with your dealership or with corporate for the company that makes your vehicle.

Or, you could just get a custom vehicle. Just ogle these new vehicles– made for anyone who wants the ultimate mobile office: http://www.automotto.com/entry/10-cars-that-bring-your-office-to-wheels/

Tweets:
(1) Having a mobile office in your vehicle could cause a power train failure
(2) You need a 2nd battery in your car to handle a mobile office w/o warranty issues

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Lakota Notary Woman

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 10:19 am

Perhaps you have seen the film entitled Lakota Woman. Well this blog is about Lakota Notary Woman. She does her Notarizations the tribal way.

SHELLY: Hi, I need something notarized?

LAKOTA NOTARY: Well you have come to the right place. But, I must inform you. We do our notarizations the Lakota way.

SHELLY: Is that something your state notary division requires?

LAKOTA NOTARY: Not exactly. It’s not prescribed and not prohibited. The sun dance on the other hand was illegal for a long time.

SHELLY: Well today’s not that sunny so it shouldn’t be a problem. In any case, here is my document. It is an Affidavit of eye witness. I witnessed a crime taking place and the police wanted me to have this notarized.

LAKOTA NOTARY: Hmmm. Okay, could you sign it in my presence. We need to do a Jurat if you want an Oath with this Affidavit. But, you are the one who chooses what notary act you want. So… would you like a Jurat or something else?

SHELLY: Just as long as it has your stamp.

LAKOTA NOTARY: Yeah… about that. Ummm. How can I explain this to a “wasicun.”

SHELLY: Is that the name for us now? I believe in being politically correct and prefer to be called a “Wasicun-American.”

LAKOTA NOTARY: It means one who is not from our tribe who robs us of our resources. But, because you are paying me, you are giving resources to our people. Hmmm. We’ll have to find a new name for people who meet your description.

SHELLY: How about “Human Being?”

LAKOTA NOTARY: More like, “Human from other tribe who pay us cold hard cash.”

SHELLY: That has kind of a ring to it.

LAKOTA NOTARY: Okay, anyway, politics aside, and with our people, politics is never aside by the way, please sign the document.

SHELLY: Here ya go!

LAKOTA NOTARY: Would you like to swear under Oath or affirm on your honor? Buffalos prefer Oaths but dogs prefer affirmations… oh yes they do, isn’t that right… isn’t that right?

SHELLY: I’ll stick to an Oath.

LAKOTA NOTARY: Okay, do you solemnly swear that the contents of this document are the truth, so help you the great spirit?… That’s what we call God around here. It’s a Lakota thing.

SHELLY: I do.

LAKOTA NOTARY: Now…. in our culture, we don’t stamp documents, we do a stampede. WE believe we are the descendants of buffalos. So, I will do a buffalo stampede on your document.

SHELLY: That might tear the document. The police might not like that

(Lakota Notary lady puts on her buffalo outfit… does tribal song and dance to tape recording of buffalos stampeding. Takes toy buffalos and stampedes them across the document and then stamps the document.)

LAKOTA NOTARY: This is a ritual of our people to honor our ancestors the buffalos. Plus we like playing the drum, buffalos and dancing. But, I gave you the 20 second version because I know how you busy people are. But, there is one last thing we do during our buffalo style notarizations.

SHELLY: What is that?

LAKOTA NOTARY: We end it with a buffalo slider burger with green chili from our Zuni brothers from the South in New Mexico.

SHELLY: Oh, yummm. This is good, and just the right size. Thanks, and I’ll call again if I need to be stampeded… I mean notarized.

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Cheers: Frazier & Dianne Get a Notarized Love Letter

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: — admin @ 9:17 am

Frazier & Dianne need to rewrite a letter and get it notarized to make sure their love is legitimate. Frazier suspects that Dianne still has feelings for Sam.

FRAZIER: Dianne, I’ve been thinking. I know we love each other, but I want to make it more official.

DIANNE: How can love be official? Isn’t love just a feeling? A lasting feeling that can endure the worst setback and torment and tribulation.

CARLA: Oh, give it a break! You go over one too many bumps in the road and anyone’s love will break. It’s just human nature.

SAM: I think love can last, if you give it a chance, and are committed.

NORM: That’s not what happened with any of your relationships Sam.

SAM: Well, I tried, okay?

WOODY: I think that’s nice that Frazier and Dianne want to get a notarized statement about their love. I think that shows that they take it real seriously.

CLIFF: They can give it a try. What’s the worst that could happen? Besides, Dianne falling in love with the Notary. Like that’s gonna happen. Did you see the last Notary who came in here?

DIANNE: Enough Cliff. The Notary who came last time was very nice… especially after he had his beer — well, during the beer he was nice too.

FRAZIER: So, are we going to do it? I can write something up. Or better, we can write it together. Isn’t that how it should be?

DIANNE: Oh Frazier!

CARLA: If you want to know if your love is really legitimate, install a hidden camera in Frazier’s house. You’ll see what’s legitimate then.

NORM: So, Frazier, speaking of legitimate, have you ever had any accidental children with anyone you were dating?

FRAZIER: I find your question highly inappropriate actually.

CLIFF: I’m sure he didn’t mean it in a bad way.

DIANNE: Okay, I’m thinking. You don’t suspect that I still have feelings for Sam, do you?

FRAZIER: Well, the thought did cross my mind.

DIANNE: Oh, how can you even think that?

FRAZIER: Well, when you’ve been with someone that long, even after it’s over, there are always lingering feelings. Plus, I notice the way you sometimes look at him.

CLIFF: Yeah, I notice that too. She has that… je ne sais quoi when she looks at him.

FRAZIER: So, it’s been determined that I’m not the only one who has noticed this, or who suspects the same.

DIANNE: I’m over him. I know that my relationship with Sam couldn’t last. We’re just too different. Sure, occassionally, some latent feelings will bubble up, but intellectually I know that it wasn’t meant to be.

FRAZIER: Ah-ha, I knew I was right.

CARLA: You don’t need a PhD to figure that one out Einstein.

FRAZIER: So, can you verify what you said in writing, so we can have it notarized?

DIANNE: Yes… I mean I think I can… I can. I will.

(a few days later)

NOTARY: Yeah, I’ll have another Sam Adams. But, keep it cold for me while I do this Notary job. What is this, a vow renewal?

FRAZIER: Of a sort. We’re not married you see. We’re just madly in love with each other.

NOTARY: Got it. Well, I just need to check the signer’s ID. And I’ll take a thumbprint just to be sure that the signer isn’t an imposter. Would you like me to use my embosser as a secondary notary seal? It leaves a raised impression and looks very thorough and professional.

DIANNE: Yes, we’d like that.

FRAZIER: Does this mean you will have to hold her hand while thumbprinting her? I can’t bear the thought.

NOTARY: You can do it. Just don’t make too much of a mess. I’ll train you. Just hold her thumb like this, and press straight down like this. Let’s practice on a napkin… no not that one. A clean napkin.

FRAZIER: I feel it is more romantic this way. My love for thee. I hereby take thy hand as my thumbprint-worthy object of affection and everlasting love for the purpose of thumbprinting.

DIANNE: Oh Frazier!

(Frazier depresses Dianne’s thumb in the ink pad and then down in the journal’s section for the thumbprint. Then she hugs him)

FRAZIER: I’m sorry to interrupt our love, but you didn’t happen to wipe your thumb clean of the ink, now did you?

NOTARY: Not to worry, It is an inkless thumbprint pad from the NNA. No ink — no mess.

FRAZIER: Brilliant. So, my $700 jacket is saved… and so is my love! Where do I sign?

NOTARY: I just need Dianne to sign, and then I need to write down the particulars in her ID.

CARLA: Don’t you still have her ID information from the last time you came. Remember, when we found out how old she really is?

NOTARY: Well, I like to get a fresh look at the ID every time.

DIANNE: Please don’t remind me of that time.

FRAZIER: Age my dear is just a number. And so long as that number is 21 or older you have permission to have a drink. Shall we toast?

.

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Notarization on the Steve Harvey Show

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Popular on Linked In,Sit-Coms — Tags: , , , , — admin @ 6:31 am

STEVE: I have a surprise for you. Do you know why we invited you here today?

CAROL: I have no idea, honestly no idea.

STEVE: Well, I’ll give you a hint. Have you ever had anything notarized?

CAROL: No, I can’t think of anything that I’ve ever had notarized.

STEVE: Well think harder. Think fifteen years ago.

CAROL: Hmmm. I’m coming up with a blank.

STEVE: Well, you might not remember this notary, but he remembers you. And he has something of yours that you gave him when he last saw you back in 1994.

CAROL: 1994?

STEVE: Here he is!

CAROL: Oh my god, Oh my god! Randy. I remember you, but forgot that you were a Notary. And that’s the necklace I gave you. I remember it all now!

STEVE: Well, brace yourself. You better sit down. Because Randy has something that he wants to ask you!

CAROL: Oh my god. I can’t believe this is happening. Yes Randy. What did you want to ask me.

RANDY: Carol, I met you almost twenty years ago, and I have never forgotten you. You have been on my mind ever since. I realized that when we talked, back in 1994 the conversation was so meaningful. But, there’s one thing that has been on my mind that I have been needing to ask you ever since.

CAROL: One thing? Sure, ask anything you want. I just am not prepared for what you might ask.

RANDY: Carol… will you…ummm… how can I put this. Remember the notarization I did for you back in 1994. My journal said that it was for an Affidavit of Occupancy.

CAROL. Oh yeah, now I remember. That was to lock in a particular interest rate on that house.

RANDY: Well, we got so wrapped up in conversation that I forgot to ask you one thing. Carol, will you… um… will you complete the Oath that I forgot to ask you for that Affidavit of Occupancy? I kept a copy of that document all these years with the necklace you gave me.

CAROL: Oh my god, you still have that?

RANDY: Please raise your right hand. Do you solemnly swear that the information in this Affidavit of Occupancy are true and correct and that you agree to the conditions in the document?

CAROL: I do.

RANDY: I’m so relieved. Because, in my notary career, I never violated notary law, not even once. But, I realized that failing to administer an Oath for a Jurat on an Affidavit is grounds for suspension, termination, or revocation of your notary license. I’m so glad that I administered that Oath, and got it out of my system.

CAROL: You came all the way to have me on TV, just for that?

RANDY: Oh, and one more thing.

CAROL: Yes?

RANDY: Carol…. will you marry me?

CAROL: Oh my god! Yes I will, well, at least we can start dating. But, on one condition.

STEVE: The sister has conditions? I gotta hear this!

RANDY: Sure, that’s fine

CAROL: I will need a notary statement stating that you want to date me and that you will take me out for penne arrabiata at Carmino’s Italian Restaurant.

RANDY: That’s a little odd. Would you like the notarization to be a Jurat, Acknowledged signature, Protest, or an Oath.

CAROL: I’d prefer a Jurat with an accompanying Oath. And yes, I’ll keep a copy of that document to show you in 2034!

STEVE: This is amazing. I’ve never seen anything like this in my career. Just one question for Randy.

RANDY: Ask away!

STEVE: Randy, I’ve never been notarized, ever. I just want to know what it is like being notarized, just to get it out of my system. Can you notarize me?

RANDY: On camera? The camera adds 10 pounds to any signature you know.

STEVE: That’s okay. So, what’s the first step.

RANDY: I’ll need to see some ID sir!

STEVE: What, you don’t know me? I’m Steve Harvey — I’m famous. You don’t need to ID ME!

RANDY: Well, actually it is a legal requirement here.

STEVE: Oh allright. I was just playing with you. Here’s my ID. Which one you want. I got five of them.

RANDY: Your driver’s license will work.

STEVE: Allright, now what do I gotta do. Do you want me to sign something?

RANDY: If you don’t have a document, you could have something typed up.

STEVE: Well what do you want it to say?

RANDY: It can say anything you want just as long as you sign it.

STEVE: Hmmm, I’m gonna have to think about that. (he looks to the left, looks up, and looks around) I thought about it and I know what I want to say now.

RANDY: What is it?

STEVE: I wanna say, I’m Steve Harvey, and I’m smooth like butter.

RANDY: We can do that. Just sign the journal here. (staff hands him the typed up paper) Sign the document here. I’ll attach an Acknowledgment certificate, stamp it… we’re done!

STEVE: That’s it? That was easy. I didn’t feel a thing.

RANDY: It’s a fairly standard act.

STEVE: Well, I want to wish you and Carol the best of luck on your first date. In fact, we are going to pay the first $200 of your date’s expenses for dinner for two at Maggiano’s in Los Angeles. That is the fanciest, most amazing Italian restaurant anywhere in California. I love that place! Then, get this — are you ready? You can have another $200 for your next date and a gift certificate for two to see a 3d movie or movie of your choice at IMAX in Universal Studios.

CAROL: Wow Steve. This is the best day of my life. I never expected any of this.

RANDY: Thanks Steve. I don’t know how to thank you.

STEVE: Well, you can thank me with a notarized statement if you really want to know how to get to the bottom of my heart!

.

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