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January 18, 2016

VA signings for $85? With 200 pages? No Thanks!

As a blog writer, I need to come up with ideas for interesting blog articles. So, I often go to Linked In and see what was popular there. I was visiting last night and saw that someone was offered a VA loan for $85. But, the package had about 200 pages! As new Notaries, you need to understand that not all packages are alike. Some Lenders have short packages while others have longer ones. Some Lenders have their documents ready on time while others don’t. Additionally, there are different types of loans — some are longer and more time consuming than others.

Large Loan Packages
VA loans are normally a lot longer than regular Refinances. FHA loans are longer and more complicated too. Additionally, Reverse Mortgages are longer and take longer partly because the signers are normally elderly. VA loans are for Veterans, and they might tell you some war stories about getting ambushed by the Taliban, but they are probably middle aged and able to sign in a moderate amount of time. But, the packages are long and take a long time.

What to Charge?
The average Notary on 123notary makes about $105 per signing (interesting stat.) If your standard fee is $100, you need to charge more if it is going to be a slow signing or a signing with an above average number of pages. You will be using your printer more, and spending more time at the signing. So, how much more should you charge? In my experience, more pages won’t take you that much more time. It will cost you a little toner and paper, but an additional fifty pages might only take you an additional twenty minutes assuming the signer is not a slow poke. What does take time includes: sluggish signers who read every word, elderly people who can barely function, issues with the loan involving long calls to the Lender, multiple signers who don’t always show up on time, problems with the ID.

Before You Accept the Job
My suggestion is to call the borrower and ask if they will be able to sign within a sixty or seventy-five minute window for a longer package. If they say no, then you might consider charging more or cancelling the signing. If you have the luxury to call the borrowers before you accept a job, you can have a lot more flexibility. You should ideally charge for time, and NOT based on the length of the package. I signed a 200 page construction loan in 25 minutes because the borrower was a professional and had been through the process dozens of times. His time was worth a lot and he didn’t waste a minute. He was like an assembly line.

As a General Rule
For most Notaries on 123notary, I would recommend charging $115 or $120 for VA signings and Reverse Mortgages. If you are very experienced with more than 5000 loans signed, then add another $25-$50 to that figure. Notaries should not try to charge too much unless they are so popular that they simply have to turn down good offers daily. Try to be reasonable and accommodating while you earn some notches in your belt! But, $85 is just too low unless you are a complete beginner!

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You might also like:

$30 loan signings. Is it worth it even in the best of circumstances?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=10456

Signing services take a portion of the notary fee
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=9315

$300 in 13 minutes? How Carmen cleans up in the notary business
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19284

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January 4, 2016

I just got two jobs & they said they found me on 123notary, what now?

Be all that you can be!
Congratulations and thanks for enlisting! I am so happy when newcomers get lots of work from our directory. We work night and day to make our notary directory great! But, what now? The answer is that listings need to be all that they can be. It’s just like the army without the bullets. But, we have basic training.

Inspect your listing. There are several things you need to do before you clean your gun or your stamp.

1. Ask for help with your notes section.
We can’t write it for you, but if you write something, we can critique it. A good notes section with specifics and some unique information about you will really draw people in.

2. Pass our certification test.
People who pass our test not only get more work, but get slightly more compensation per signing and have more opportunities to move up the list on 123notary.com. You will need to study, but the knowledge you gain you keep for the rest of your life!

3. Get a few reviews
We value reviews so much that we call hundreds of people per month to remind them of how important it is to get reviews from strangers. On any site that has reviews such as Yelp, Travelocity, etc., the people with the most reviews get the most work, so start asking for reviews and ask us for help if you encounter any trouble.

4. Move up in the ranks
After you have passed our signingagent test and have two reviews, it is time to upgrade and join the big leagues or as we call it, “Special Forces.” At least try to get a promotion so you can pull rank on someone.

5. Stay out of trouble
No notary lasts forever. But, we have had many last for more than a decade on our site. Ken got promoted to General as he writes great blog articles and is a source of knowledge and inspiration. However, a few others had a dishonorable discharge. You still need to login to your listing every 120 days, otherwise you could get in a little trouble with us. Maintain your listing regularly, shine your boots (or shoes) and see if you take your seal apart and put it back together in less than 85 seconds.

6. PTSD
One Notary got PTSD from having borrowers yell at him too much about the APR. It is better to call the borrower up and go over the major figures before going into combat. And as always — ask for backup if you need any!

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You might also like:

Getting the best notary jobs
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=9273

The art of the decline to new jobs
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15783

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December 19, 2015

2015 List of Title & Escrow Companies

Capital Title
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=998&Capital+Title

Chicago Title
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=304&Chicago+Title

Client First Settlement Funding
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=870&Client+First+Settlement+Funding

Convenient Settlement Services
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=877&Convenient+Settlement+Services

Crystal Settlement Services
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=1125&Crystal+Settlement+Services

DB Title, LLC
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=1175&DB+Title%2C+LLC

DRI Title & Escrow
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=986&DRI+Title+%26+Escrow

Finiti Title
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=829&Finiti+Title%2C+LLC

First Service Title
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=867&First+Service+Title

Homefront Escrow, Inc.
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=977&Homefront+Escrow%2C+Inc

LandSel Title Agency, Inc.
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=344&LandSel+Title+Agency%2C+Inc

Landmark Title
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=1171&Landmark+Title

Lender Title Solutions
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=1200&Lender+Title+Solutions

Meymax Title Agency of Ohio, LLC
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=309&MeyMax+Title+Agency+of+Ohio+LLC

Monroe Title Insurance Corp.
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=49&Monroe+Title+Insurance+Corp%2E

Moritz Title Company, LLC
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=883&Moritz+Title+Company%2C+LLC

National Title Solutions
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=1012&National+Title+Solutions

National TitleNet, LLC
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=8&National+TitleNet%2C+LLC

New House Title
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=1167&New+House+Title

Northpoint Title
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=810&Northpoint+Title

Old Republic National Title Insurance Company
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=906&Old+Republic+National+Title+Insurance+Company

Peachtree Settlements
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=103&Peachtree+Settlements

Performance Title
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=39&Performance+Title

Preferred Choice Escrow
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=816&Preferred+Choice+Escrow

Professional Settlement Services
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=960&Professional+Settlement+Services

Providence Title
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=820&Providence+Title

Quality Title Agency
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=712&Quality+Title+Agency

Ravenswood Title
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=1065&Ravenswood+Title

Residential Title & Escrow
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=1009&Residential+Title+%26+Escrow

Reunion Title
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=1033&Reunion+Title

Silk Abstract
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=702&Silk+Abstract

So Cal Escrow Center, Inc.
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=348&So+Cal+Escrow+Center%2C+Inc%2E

Stewart Title — Tumwater, WA
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=1138&Stewart+Title+%2D+Tumwater%2C+WA

Superior Abstract & Title
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=1135&Superior+Abstract+%26+Title

TranStar National Title
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=903&TranStar+National+Title

US Title Agency
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=678&US+Title+Agency

Vantage Point Title
http://www.123notary.com/signco-idv.asp?sid=918&Vantage+Point+Title

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December 5, 2015

Has anyone used SnapDocs?

There was a very lively discussion on Linked In about SnapDocs.
https://www.linkedin.com/grp/post/112982-6011963245626155009?trk=groups-post-b-all-cmnts

Here is what Notaries had to say about it:

(1) One Notary claimed that her higher paying vendors were paying $150-175 and then decreased their rates after starting using SnapDocs!

(2) Another Notary likes SnapDocs because you can access documents from multiple signing companies on the same platform and it is easy to use!

(3) Many Notaries dislike how SnapDocs uses cattle calls which decreases the price of the signing.

(4) The Notary Spot has been reported to be using SnapDocs

(5) SnapDocs requires you to update your profile from time to time or create a new profile. Hmmm, sounds like 123notary!

You might also like:

SnapDocs, good for the Notary or the Signing Service?
http://www.123notary.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=6744

Deceptive Fax Backs – The good ole’ bait and switch tactic
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14040

Cattle Call Notary Offers
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=9841

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November 13, 2015

Best Virtual Notary Comedy Compilation

Here are some of our more popular comedy themes other than sit-coms which is on another post!

Welcome to the Notary Hotel
Some Notaries stay here their entire commission!
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=8822

New Notary Apps for the iPhone 7 you’ve never dreamed of!
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=10977

Affiant – a social media site for Notaries
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=6410

Notary Suicide Hotline
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=6995

Tony Soprano Gets Notarized
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14897

Vampire Notaries — 24 hour service
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4094

Notary Ambulance
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15103

Notary Hell — Yeah, but it’s a dry heat!
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=13196

Notary Hotel 2 – the Sequel
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=9887

The Towles Booth
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=9456

NotaryMatch.com
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=8706

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September 2, 2015

Can a California Notary Notarize an I-9 Form?

CAN A CALIFORNIA NOTARY NOTARIZE AN I-9 FORM?
The straight, simple and clear answer is “NO”.
Why then are notaries in California regularly notarizing I-9 forms?
There is a lot of confusion surrounding the notarization of I-9 forms, because the Secretary of State is silent in the handbook about NOT notarizing I-9s. Instead the handbook only addresses documents that can be notarized. The confusion is further compounded when the I-9 is accompanied by official notification from the Federal government or employer that the I-9 needs to be notarized in accordance with their guidelines.

This is not the first instance where the federal laws conflict with the state laws that govern notaries. As duly licensed notaries in the State of California, we are primarily governed by the laws and rules established by the Secretary of State and therefore should not notarize I-9 forms. It begs the question, whether $10/- that you receive is worth the “civil penalty not to exceed $100,000 for each violation of the Business and Professions Code §22445 that you will be assessed and collected in a civil action brought by any person injured by the violation or in a civil action brought in the name of the people of the State of California by the attorney general, a district attorney or city attorney”.
Who can notarize an I-9?

California Notaries who are qualified and bonded as an Immigration consultant under the Business and Professions Code Sections 22440-22449 are the only people who can lawfully complete the verification of an I-9. Furthermore, when the Immigration consultant verifies the I-9 documents, he is only doing it in the capacity of an Immigration Consultant and NOT as a Notary. The SOS considers I-9 to be an Immigration form and therefore there is that requirement to be a duly licensed Immigration Consultant. A California Notary who notarizes an I-9 is in violation of Government Code Section 8223 ©
Refer those who come to you for notarizing an I-9 to an Immigration Consultant (recommended by the NNA and SOS), save yourself from exorbitant penalties and possible jail time and simply stick to knitting as it were.

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You might also like:

Form I-9 According to Ken
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15489

Notarizing an I-9 employment verification document
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4668

Documenting your personal experience in your notes
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19052

13 ways to get sued as a Notary
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19614

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August 17, 2015

$40 for a signing 72 miles away?

I read the notary forums regularly. Not every day, but I go through them thoroughly every so often. One notary was offered $40 for a signing 72 miles away. I think I have heard everything now. Don’t these signing companies bother to use mapquest or Google directions to see how far a signing is before making an offer? Do they expect notaries to drive all over kingdom come for free?

They know that notaries are desperate.
Perhaps they are counting on the fact that business is really slow and that there are many desperate notaries out there. But, as desperate as you might be, your car expenses to do a 144 mile round trip are not for free. You use your tires, breaks, motor, gas, oil, and more. Your car won’t last forever, and you need to charge for mileage. How much is up to you unless your state restricts this (and nine states do even though I feel that is not constitutional.)

Stop Bothering Notaries!
Putting aside how unfair the offer is, I think that the bigger issue is that signing companies bother notaries with these petty offers. Notary forums are filled with complaints of this sort. It is a waste of the notary’s time and patience.

Minimum Wage for Notaries?
Perhaps the notary industry should have some type of minimum wage. No matter how new or unskilled the notary is, they get 50 cents per mile traveled plus 25 cents per page fax back and at least a certain amount for signings with under 100 pages per set of documents. I don’t know what a fair minimum is. If you set the minimum too high, then newbies will simply not get used unless the signing company is desperate.

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You might also like:

VA signings for $85 with 200 pages?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15879

$30 loan signings. Is it worth it even in the best of circumstances?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=10456

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August 10, 2015

Many notaries who previously wouldn’t leave the house for <$125 are working for peanuts.

Even some of our most seasoned notaries have gotten so desperate that they are forced to work for less than they feel they deserve in terms of Notary wages or fees. We’ve had notaries who had strict policies of working for no less than $125 or $100 forced to do Notary jobs for $60. Some take this emotionally, while others realize that we all have to eat, and that a notary’s gotta do what a notary’s gotta do. On a brighter note, the price of gas went down by more than a dollar, so your expenses are a lot less now!

Notaries make the mistake of trying to figure out what they “should” get paid or what is “fair.” In the world of business there is no should and there is no fair. In foreign countries people doing the exact same job you are doing might only make $5 or $10 per day, so is that fair? As people living in America, you have it better than any other country, even Canada. Of course a well off person in a foreign country is likely to be better off than you, but someone doing the same Notary job you are is probably a lot worse off. The point I am trying to make is that fairness can only be viewed in perspective. But, even if you can figure out a very equilateral viewpoint of fairness, it won’t do you any good. The universe gives you what it gives you. It decides how much it is going to give you and you just have to work with what is given to you. Forget about fair, and just do the best you can.

Do you see people working at gas stations shaking their head saying, “It just doesn’t seem fair that we have to sell gas at $2.40 per gallon now. We’re doing the same work we were doing when it was $4.00 but getting paid close to half for the same work.” No, they just go about their business and do the best they can which is what you should be doing. Try and do as well as you can as a notary regardless of what the external conditions are. If things get too slow, you can try to supplement your income with other tasks or jobs. In the worst case scenario, if it is really slow, it might be time to get a full time job and moonlight at night doing notary work.

In my opinion, the market for notaries and Notary jobs will bounce back eventually. I’m not sure when. It really depends on a variety of standards. If it has been many years since people could refinance, they will get more and more anxious to do so, even if the percentage of equity they can borrow upon is low. If housing values go up, or interest rates go up, and then down, there could be more refinances. Or, if banks simply lower their standards for who can borrow money, we might see more loans going through. We live in a changing world, and markets go up and down.

Look on the bright side, maybe North Korea will get rich and start buying up property in your area. That will drive the price up, and then there will be more refinances. On the other hand you might have more competition from “Un Notary service” if Kim John Un becomes a notary! Picture him being your neighbor!

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You might also like:

My interpretation of how the Notary industry went South
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16500

VA signings for $85 with 200 pages?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15879

Notary Marketing 102 – Table of Contents
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19774

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July 26, 2015

10 tight points on Loose certificates

I have not written about this topic for a long time because I take for granted that Notaries are experts on the topic. In real life, it is possible that many Notaries do not know how what to do with a loose certificate. So, here are the correct steps to take.

(1) Purchase Certificate Pads from the NNA
Why the NNA? In my experience, they are the best source of 1-stop shopping for Notary supplies. They have great journals and pads. You cannot attach a loose certificate if you don’t have one, so keep them in stock and guard them with your life. Your career as a Notary rests on having the correct forms. You need Acknowledgment Forms, Jurat forms, and perhaps Copy Certificate by Document Custodian forms. Make sure the wording is acceptable according to the current laws of your state!

(2) Keep the Pads in your Notary Bag
Having the right forms is no good if you don’t keep them with you. Clients don’t want to hear the old, “I left it at home” routine. It sounds like your dog ate it. We are not in junior high anymore! Keep your law primers, journal, pads, seal, and anything else you need on you at all times and remember to keep your journal and seal under lock and key when not in use!

(3) When to use Loose Acknowledgments
If you need to notarize a document and the document doesn’t have notorial wording, it is time to use a loose certificate! If a document has incorrect notary wording for your state, you need to consult your state laws to see if they will allow out of state wording. Most states will allow out of state wording providing that the wording isn’t substantially different. If the venue or the name of the signer(s) is wrong or has an extra signer, or leaves the name of a signer out — you might want to attach a loose form.

Also See: Do you Notarize loose certificates as a Notary?

(4) Fill Out the Form
Filling out forms is not rocket science, but more than 50% of notaries omit crossing out the he/she/they and the capacity(ies), etc. If Joe signed the document, then cross out the she/they unless you know more about Joe than we do. You might cross ou the (ies) too. Don’t forget to fill out the venue, stamp, and sign the form. If your state doesn’t require a stamp, consider moving to a better state!

(5) If the Glove Don’t Match, you Must Attach!
Certificate forms must be attached to corresponding documents by law in many states. This means by staple, otherwise it will most likely be detached which could lead to a lot of confusion and potentially to law suits. You should also indicate the document name, date and length on the certificate as well as any other pertinent and identifying information about the document just in case the certificate gets separated. Many Title companies detach certificates which is completely illegal, but they don’t care because they are above the law — or think they are — or never got caught — yet…

(6) NEVER Send a Loose Jurat in the Mail
You can go to jail and lose your commission if you send a loose certificate in the mail. Lenders often ask you to just send a loose “Jurat” in the mail if the one you sent is not acceptable for one reason or another. You can request that the original document is sent back to you. That way you can destroy the original Acknowledgment or Jurat and add another one and staple it to the document. If you send a loose one, it could be attached to a different document and used for fraud, and you might end up in court.

(7) Some People Create Their Own
Some notaries who are penny foolish create their own Acknowledgment pads. You could put company branding on it to gain attention for your company. Just make sure you don’t goof as this is a legal document.

(8) Thumbprints?
Most Notaries only put thumbprints in their journals if they thumbprint at all. But, the NNA’s certificates have, or used to have (I’ve been out of the loop for a while) room for thumbprints. It looks more official for really critical documents if you get that extra thumbprint. For documents going overseas, I recommend this as foreigners think you are the best Notary in town if you give thumbprints — and embossing looks really official too!

(9) Two Certificates?
Sometimes you might need to attach multiple certificates for a single document. This is fine. One for his, and one for hers. They might even be notarized at different times. The custodian or recipient of the document might or might not like that, but it is all perfectly legal! You might have a lot of staples if you attach them at different times, but that is how the Notary business works.

(10) Jurats with Oaths
Sometimes if you are administering an Oath on a short statement, you can write the statement right on the Jurat form. In this case, you don’t need to staple the form to a document as the form includes the contents of the document as well as the Notarization. Don’t forget to have them raise their right hands and swear under Oath!

You might also like:

2014 excerpts from great notes sections
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=13613

Sending loose certificates is illegal
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=2470

What goes where in your notes section?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=1076

What is so critical about crossing out he/she/they?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22223

Can a notary sign on a different day?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22084

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July 17, 2015

Honey, You Can Kiss my App!

GPS: You will be approaching the Deed of Trust in 3 seconds… You have arrived at your destination.

MARCY: Well, I’m a new notary, so what do I do now?

GPS: What do you think is next, do you want me to tell you to wash your hair and then repeat?

MARCY: I’m sorry, could you repeat that?

GPS: Never mind. Have the borrower initial all of the pages of the Deed of Trust in the small horizontal line in the bottom corner.

MARCY: But, this has 15 pages!

GPS: You heard me girl.

MARCY: Okay, we are going to sign the Note now, and then these other documents…. Okay, we finished signing the HUD-1.

GPS: You go girl! Okay, now let’s take a look at that Flood Affidavit.

MARCY: Gee, the app says you can explain this to me in Chinese, but I don’t speak Chinese. Hmm, I wonder what happens if.

GPS: Qing ni zai qian ge ming zai zui hou de ye.

MARCY: Yet another thing that was made in China. I better switch it back to Chantelle.

GPS: Do you realize what you just did?

MARCY: Yeah, I switched you to Li-Wen for 30 seconds. I didn’t know what that button did.

GPS: Well, you should be more careful. That app doesn’t exactly steer you towards the nearest Chinese restaurant, and if it did, it would steer you to the type of restaurants with dishes that the owner says, “you no like.”

MARCY: I think you’re right. I went to one of those restaurants. I ordered something called “zhu chang” and the owner said, “You no like.” I asked what it was and he said, “Pig intestine with ox brain.” And I said, you’re right, I no like! And then he said, “you think you no like? how you think ox felt?” And then I said, “You’ve got a point. Let’s stick to kung pao!”

GPS: Yeah, and if you had kept on with Li-Wen, should wouldn’t direct you to the fork in the road. She would have directed you to the chopsticks in the road. Then, you’d really be in trouble!

MARCY: Yeah, because I don’t know how to use chopsticks.

GPS: Yeah, but Li-Wen could probably hook you up with some training sticks.

SIGNER: Less talk, more signing please.

GPS: I saw that in a fortune cookie once.

SIGNER: Gee, Chantelle, you do seem to know a lot about China for a GPS. Have you been to China?

GPS: Honey, I was born in China. My parents were nine year old kids who didn’t get decent child labor laws for Christmas.

SIGNER: So, you grew up in Peking, not Pittsburg.

MARCY: Gee, I never thought of you as Chinese.

GPS: Well, think again! I grew up in the basement of a electronics chop shop in An-Hui province. I got plenty of love, but my parents were mad at me for not being a boy.

MARCY: Well, couldn’t they have made you into a boy?

GPS: Don’t think they didn’t try! They didn’t have the voice overs to do that, so they were stuck with what they had. And they had to keep me due to the one-child policy.

SIGNER: Well you seem very polite.

GPS: I had to be. My parents said that if I acted up, they would export me.

MARCY: It’s fun talking to you, but honestly, the way you explain the documents isn’t thorough enough. The app literature claimed that you would be a lot more detailed in your instructions.

GPS: Well if you don’t like it, then you can kiss my app!

MARCY: Well, I’m new at this, so I need a little more mentoring.

GPS: Fine. Have it your way. I’m auto-switching you to Charles. You’ll be sorry now.

CHARLES: (British Accent) Hello, this is Charles.

MARCY: Oh, you sound Brittish. So, what’s the next step in this signing?

CHARLES: Well, if you were Queen Latifah, I would courtsey.

MARCY: No, the signing. We just signed the Flood Disclosure.

CHARLES: Well, just sign the other documents and be done with it.

MARCY: Don’t you understand loan signing?

CHARLES: Well, there’s nothing to know actually. You just sign as your name is printed, and that is that!

SIGNER: I don’t know why Marcy opened her big mouth, but we were much better off with Chantel.

CHARLES: This was the way I was programmed.

MARCY: Well, we need more than this, and the app we bought was guaranteed to be thorough in its descriptions of documents.

CHARLES: Well if that’s the way you feel then Cherio. I’m switching you to Li-Wen.

LI-WEN: Ni hao, wo jiao li-wen. Wo zen-me ke-yi bang zhu ni?

MARCY: Do you speak English?

LI-WEN: Sorry, no English.

MARCY: The app said that the voices would be in English.

LI-WEN: Not all of them. 1.3 billion people speak Chinese these day.

MARCY: Well this is not going to work.

LI-WEN: If you no like, then — Honey, you can kiss my app!

.

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