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December 21, 2018

Genetically Modified Notaries

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 12:27 am

I complained so long about how Notaries would not login to their listing or take tests without complaining, I had to call in a genetic researcher. After several months of petri dishes, lab samples and extensive studies, it was concluded that the problem with Notaries derives from a gene — a single gene.

The name of the gene is the “avoidance gene” which has been labeled as CCR63psa which is in the third chromosome. It is the same gene that is often activated in eighth graders who don’t want to do their homework or obey mommy and daddy.

I was relieved when I found out what the solution was. A simple stem cell injection could reduce the problem. Additionally, the bacteria activated by having regular bowls of miso soup effectually “turn off” the avoidance gene.

The deeper issue is, how do you get people with avoidance problems to get stem cell injections or have miso soup? If they are too lazy to login to their listing, they are probably also too lazy to take action to prevent the avoidance problem. It’s like a catch 22.

In any case, I care about the problem and have been reading up on fermented foods like miso as well. In fact, I went to a Japanese restaurant yesterday and asked if they had soup. They said no. I said, “Me so out-a-here!”

Another issue is that eating genetically modified or highly processed foods is also bad for health which tends to lead to lethargy. So, 123notary recommends fresh fruits and vegetables, fermented foods, eggs from time to time, an ounce of nuts per day, and a reasonable amount of salmon and meat as well. Eating well and spending an hour or more per day walking or working out can help you defeat lethargy with the unfortunate caveat that it requires effort and intention. Hmmm. Maybe we better do involuntary stem cell transfers to solve the problem!

.

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Notarization for an exorcism
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A Notary sees a UFO
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Notary Space Station
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Notarization in the Trang
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December 14, 2018

Notary arrested for stealing spices from borrowers

Filed under: Popular on Twitter,Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: — admin @ 12:29 am

It is common for people to go to other people’s homes and steal Oxy-codene. However, this is a new one. There was a rash in what I call spice-jacking in the Orange County area of California. It turned out to be just one guy, and a notary. But, the authorities caught on and published some public awareness materials about the subject…

You may not know if you have been spice-jacked. Answer this questionaire, and if you said yes to five or more items on this list — contact the authorities immediately — you have been spice jacked…

Have you been notarized in the last six months?
Did the notary ask you to swear on your mother’s cooking instead of a bible? Or did he substitute the bible for a Julia Child’s encyclopedia of cooking?

Has your cumin come out?
Has your coriander meandered?
Has your rose-mary been annulled?
Is your mint no longer in mint condition?
Is your tarragon just gon?
Are you no longer on the same page with your sage? (or is it showing age?)
Has your card-amom been declined (or expired)?
Have your bay leave(s) become bay left(s)?
Has your garam masala (Indian spice mix) lost its kick?
Has your turmeric’s turm expired?
Has your oregano become ore-went-and-did-not-come-back?
Has your aleppo pepper been receiving funds from Putin?
Has your haba-near-o become haba-far-away-o?
Have your c-loves turned to c-hates?
Has your ginger disappeared and then reappeared on a deserted island with Gilligan?

If so, you may have been spice jacked. Please call 888-888-8888 for immediate assistance.

The notary who committed these crimes had a last minute call for an airport notarization. Someone needed one of those permission to travel forms to have their uncle take their kid to Zacatecas in Mexico. These forms typically need to be notarized if going to Mexico. So, the notary did the notarization, got paid cash, and then proceeded to the airport restaurant. At the next table over some TSA personel were having lunch. Then some other TSA people came over with their K-9. The K-9 started sniffing the Notary’s bag. The officer was sure that they would find drugs, but all they found were remains of… you guessed it… oregano and some exotic imported red pepper powder from Egypt. The authorities then had the Notary bring them to his car where they found a huge stash of stolen spices which the Notary had obtained from his various Notary appointments. He loved Notarizing Indians specifically for this reason. The authorities contacted Orange County police and the Notary got busted.

To be safe, from now on, keep your spices under lock and key just in case some other culinarily inspired Notaries get the wrong idea about your marjoram or herbs du provence.

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A forged notary seal ends someone up with a prison sentence
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December 7, 2018

Stormy Daniels accuses Notary of having intercourse with her

Filed under: Humorous Posts — admin @ 5:18 am

After the whole Trump fiasco, now Stormy Daniels is accusing a California Notary by the name of John Q. Public of giving her hush money not to talk about the secret affair they had twenty years earlier.

STORMY: You know I’m gonna let society know what you did, you little rascal.

JOHN: Have I been a very very bad boy?

STORMY: I have a little dirt on you that I’m going to hold against you.

JOHN: Just like you held me against you?

STORMY: Not exactly the same way. But, you forgot to put a state in your venue, and that is an omission.

JOHN: Are you saying that I didn’t have any ink in my seal, are you saying that I’m shooting blanks? Because I assure you that I’m fully loaded.

STORMY: Well that’s the problem. You were so loaded you couldn’t do your notarization correctly without drifting off in the middle. You also forgot to administer an Oath on my Jurat. That’s fraud baby, and I’m going to report you.

JOHN: How much more hush money do you want? Actually, my commission’s over, so it doesn’t matter anymore.

STORMY: It does on a felony conviction.

JOHN: That was twenty years ago, so the statute of limitations is over. Actually, I need to see my Attorney to verify. I owe her hush money too, so I’ll multi-task.

ATTORNEY: Hey Stormy, you should be embarrassed to have done it with a Notary. You should be paying him hush money.

STORMY: Hmm, I never thought of it that way. Especially since I was thinking about running for office. Maybe you’re right. Let’s just call it even, and make a toast with my brother Jack.

ATTORNEY: Deal. But, calling it even, there are still Attorney fees. Okay. Two bottles of Jack will do it.

STORMY: That’s money down the storm drain — pity, but makes a great pun on my name.

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Texas suspends Notary who handled Stormy’s hush money
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Perhaps Trump will take notary competency more seriously now that he is affected
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22335

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August 31, 2018

Shark Tank — Notarizing in the shower for executives

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: — admin @ 9:15 am

ANNOUNCER: Next in the tank is an invention that can help busy time-strapped and soon to be clean executives get notarized in the shower so that they can save time.

FRANK: Greetings, contestants. I am Frank and I’m asking for $500,000 for 10% of my company called Shower Power Notarizations. How many times have you taken a shower and thought, man, I wish I could be multi-tasking while I were here. I wish I could get my such and such notarized. Well now you can, with my brand new Notary in a Tub business model, Shower Power Notarizations — “All the more shower to you.”

At Shower Power Notarizations, we are a service, with specialized dispatching of Notaries, and special patented waterproof Notary seals, documents, pens, and clothing, so that we can shower the executives of the nation with outstanding services while they are in the shower. We cater to the highest ethical standards. But, we do recommend to our clients who engage in fraud to start practicing now — the art of not dropping the soap. We also do jail notarizations, because we want a 10 years to life relationship with our clients, even if they are not the most ethical.

Mr. WONDERFUL: You’re telling me that I have to pay you half a million dollars for the insane hope that someday I make my money back on an invention that allows perverts who watch me take a shower and ask me to sign something afterwards?

FRANK: Well the perverts don’t watch you take a shower, they watch the executives take a shower, and normally the signing happens behind a curtain so that the Notary doesn’t see the signers’ other pen (if you know what I mean). And if it makes you feel any better, we throw in a free rubber ducky with every signing.

ROBERT: So, can I try your invention?

FRANK: Sure, just get into these swimming trunks and hop in. Here’s your notarized document.

ROBERT: I don’t wear trunks when I shower.

MARK CUBAN: Quick, activate the pixelation.

FRANK: Okay, I’m handing you the waterproof Notary journal. Sign here. In our state, they require wet signatures anyway.

ROBERT: Okay, I’m signing the journal and I already signed the document. That’s okay right? By the way, am I signing my life away with that document?

FRANK: No, it’s an affidavit saying that you like Donald Duck.

ROBERT: Well, just as long as it’s not Donald Trump.

FRANK: Okay, I’m stamping the document… Done!!! One minute and forty-three seconds. How is that for saving time in your executive life? Here is your complimentary rubber ducky with our company branding on it.

ROBERT: I’ll let you clean my body, but you’re not going to clean out my bank account. I’m out.

Mr. WONDERFUL: Deactivate the pixelation!

MARK CUBAN: If we buy 10%, could you throw in a few rubber duckies to sweeten the deal? Strike that. Your invention is all wet, in more ways than one. I’m out.

LAURI: I’m sorry to say this, but this is a rare incident where I would have to say — The Notary is a Quack. I call them when they’re zeros, and I call them when they’re heroes. And this one is a hero!

BARBARA: Are you nuts?

LAURI: I could sell this on QVC. We can demonstrate it with you in the shower. But, I’m going to need a lot more equity. 10% doesn’t get me excited.

Mr. WONDERFUL: What about watching Frank naked in a tub? Would that get you more excited?

LAURI: More excited than looking at your naked head.

ROBERT: How are your sales?

FRANK: Year to date, we have been flooded with orders and none of our overhead went down the drain. We grossed four million our first year. You cannot underestimate the severe time depravity and time poverty of executives. Saving them even one minute will make their day. These people all have assistants that make more than $100,000 per year by their side who will vouch for that fact. We sell to people who have more money than time with a very specialized service with a very high profit margin and strong popularity. Don’t throw cold water on us just yet.

LAURI: I’m going to make you an offer, Frank. But, I want a lot more equity. I’ll give you the $500,000, but I want 50% of your business.

ROBERT: Shazam!!! She’s really throwing out the baby with the bathwater, Frank.

Mr. WONDERFUL: This is the biggest nothing burger I ever saw. You should take it back behind the barn and shoot it.

FRANK: You don’t have to get all in a lather about it.

Mr. WONDERFUL: I’m out.

FRANK: Okay, 50% is a little steep.

LAURI: Do you have a counter?

FRANK: I stick to bathrooms not kitchens, so I don’t have much of a counter. But, how about 25%.

LAURI: No, I have to stay at 50, it’s going to be a lot of work getting this out there.

FRANK: I don’t like your conditioner… I mean conditions. I’m out.

LAURI: You can’t be out, only we can say I’m out.

FRANK: This whole experience has left me feeling dirty. I’m going home to take a shower.

.

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Snapdocs’ Business Model doesn’t add up!
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August 3, 2018

Notarization for an exorcism

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — admin @ 8:31 am

A Notary was called in to notarize an exorcism. He was asked if he had experience notarizing exorcisms and he said he did not, but asked, “Will I be notarizing the spirit, the person who was possessed, or the priest?” The priest who was hiring the notary said that he would have to swear under Oath to a statement. The Notary agreed to come. Meanwhile the Notary was going through a mid-life crisis. He was trying to find that happy medium between work and play, because working all day made Jack the Notary a dull semi-balding middle-aged boy.

The lady who was possessed was named Chelle. She exhibited signs of dual personality disorder (which is better than my last girlfriend who suffered from no personality disorder). One minute she would be Chelle and would be very nice and accommodating. The next minute Gertrude would take over and do mean things to people. It was so out of character.

On June 5th, the Notary showed up.

PRIEST: We are gathered here to witness this unholy union of inhabiting spirit and human to be broken. Do you solemnly take this uninvited spirit to no longer be your lawfully wedded possessor?

CHELLE: I do.

PRIEST: Do you, spirit, take this lady to be your lawfully unwedded possessee and agree to get out of her immediately? Notice to quit with a three second grace period.

SPIRIT: Do I have a choice?

PRIEST: Not really. If you don’t come out, I’ll summon in the angels and then you’ll really have had it.

NOTARY: Oh, you know how to talk to spirits!!!

PRIEST: (sarcastically) Only the bad ones!

CHELLE: So, what do I do now?

PRIEST: Just wait there. Now, what is that damn spirit doing hovering up there?

SPIRIT: Me, I’m just coming out of my Chelle (pronounced shell).

PRIEST: I’ve heard it all now. Now, Notary. Please administer an Oath on this verbal statement that says, “I hereby declare that Chelle has been ridden of spirit possession, so help me God.”

NOTARY: Okay, raise your right hand.

PRIEST: My right hand is raised.

NOTARY: Do you solemnly swear that the statement you are about to make is true and correct?

PRIEST: I do.

NOTARY: I pronounce you notarized.

PRIEST: But, I didn’t make the statement yet under Oath. I told you the statement I was going to make but did not make it when we had our hands raised.

NOTARY: Sorry, I don’t do Oaths, I only do Refinances.

PRIEST: Every refinance I’ve ever seen had at least three Oaths. The signature affidavit, occupancy affidavit and identity affidavit. Don’t you do oaths on these?

NOTARY: Nobody checks.

PRIEST: Do you want to get reported to the Secretary of State for refusal to administer acts that Notaries are legally responsible for administering to the public?

NOTARY: Oh, are you theatening me? You’re being rude.

PRIEST: (ring ring…) Hi, Secretary of State? A Notary named Jack Tripper… he refused to correctly administer an Oath to me for a verbal statement. Can you decommission him?

SOS: Could you send us an email with his name, commission # and expiration date?

PRIEST: I will.

SOS: Do you swear?

PRIEST: I not only swear but affirm.

NOTARY: Well, I may not know how to administer Oaths correctly, but I found my happy medium — you. You are happy and can talk to spirits. That makes you a happy medium.

PRIEST: No – I’m an angry medium because you messed up my exorcism by not doing your fricking job — idiot!!!! I have no formal record of what happened unless you follow proper procedure.

NOTARY: Take it easy man… wow this guy is uptight!

(a few days later, the NOTARY goes to the secretary of state’s office.)

NOTARY: I am here to turn myself in.

SOS: For what?

NOTARY: Wait a second, how did I get here, what am I doing here?

SOS: Excuse me?

NOTARY: My name is Gertrude. I am a spirit possessing this body. I witnessed Jack (the dull boy) doing an improper Notarization and I wish to report him, or me, well actually him, but I am temporarily in his body until we get this issue resolved. My uncle Binkelthorp died because a Notary filled out a medical power of attorney wrong and I want revenge on all bad Notaries.

SOS: So, let me get this straight. You want to report yourself for committing Notarial malpractice?

NOTARY: No, not myself. I have only been in this body for 24 hours. The regular soul’s name is Jack, and although physically he looks exactly like how I look in front of you, his soul is the rightful custodian of this body and his soul is the one who committed Notarial malpractice. Just quiz him on Oath procedure and I’ll jump out of his body while he does it.

SOS: This sounds crazy but here goes. Please administer an Oath to me for a document that says, I committed Notarial fraud.

NOTARY: Um… I don’t understand the question.

SOS: Do you not know how to administer an Oath? That is one of your powers as a state commissioned Notary Public and you will lose your license if you don’t know how to do it.. How many years have you been a Notary?

NOTARY: Duh…

SOS: Okay, I am having your commission suspended, revoked, and terminated, and contacting the priest to get a statement about how you refused a member of the public for service — which is a crime. As a Notary Public, you are required to perform any legal request for a Notary act for any member of the public who has identified themselves properly and is in front of you. Otherwise you would be a Notary Private if you select the customer or which jobs you are willing to do.

NOTARY: I can’t believe this is happening. But, I’ve been a Notary for 20 years, and therefore must know what I’m doing.

SOS: You have clearly demonstrated that you have no idea what you are doing. You must have been sleeping for 20 years. If you were a brand new Notary, I might have you attend a class, but you have demonstrated a complete lack of respect for lawfulness. Let me get the priest on the phone who you disserved.

PRIEST: Hello, priest service. Jim speaking.

SOS: Hi, this is Frank at the Secretary of State’s office. We have a Notary named Gertrude who is also Jack. One of his personalities reported him to us for Notarial malpractice on you while you were doing some sort of an exorcism. Is that correct?

PRIEST: Correct.

SOS: It looks like you might have committed malpractice on the exorcism by allowing this spirit to inhabit this poor excuse of a Notary.

PRIEST: I neither allowed it nor discouraged it. Wandering spirits like to inhabit the bodies of the weak-willed. People who don’t take care of their health, mind, spirit, or in this case, their obedience towards proper Notary procedure.

SOS: Good point. In any case, did this Notary refuse to administer an Oath to you after you had appeared before him… or her.. and produced acceptable identification?

PRIEST: He most certainly did, and he was a he when I saw him… before Gertrude entered the picture… or the body… or exited one body and came into the other body.

SOS: We could use someone like Gertrude to clean up the Notary industry.

PRIEST: Umm, I’m not so sure that is a good idea. Gertrude can be very vindictive. She is considered to be bad news.

SOS: Yes, but that means she will help us convict bad Notaries because she suffered a horrible loss due to a bad Notary two decades ago and she wants revenge.

PRIEST: Oh… well, in that case, two wrongs make a right I guess. As a man of the cloth, I will have to stay out of this. We don’t like to be involved in anything punitive or vindictive — we leave that up to the holy father — he can be very punitive at times. That’s why I carry a lightening rod wherever I go — I keep it in the trunk. You never know when you’ll need it.

SOS: I’ve heard it all now. Hey Jack… We are sending you to Notary jail, fining you $1500 and revoking your commission. What do you think about that?

NOTARY: Ummm. But, I’ve been a Notary for 20 years and never had a problem.

SOS: You had plenty of problems, but the people you were working for didn’t know the difference — that is how you got away with it so long.

PRIEST: Looks like someone needs an exorcism by the way, not that I am using this misfortune as a way to get a new client.

GERTRUDE: I’ll go on my own. I have some other Notaries to possess.

PRIEST: And by the way… Here’s my card. I also do weddings and Bar Mitzvahs.

SOS: Bar Mitzvahs??? Aren’t you a priest?

PRIEST: In my neighborhood, its the only way to keep busy… Besides, what they don’t know won’t kill them.

SOS: Hold on, let me call 411. Hey, what’s the number for the Secretary of State Rabbi Division? I think I need to report someone.

THE END

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July 28, 2018

Shark Tank: A signing company wants to sell shares on Shark Tank

Filed under: Humorous Posts — Tags: — admin @ 12:40 am

CONTESTANT: Hello Sharks, my name is Dave and I want to sell 50% of my company on Shark Tank. We are a signing company that caters to nationwide title companies. We get Notaries around the country to do signings for us, and then keep them waiting forever to get paid to improve upon our cash flow. There is nothing new or innovative about our business practices. It is similar to most other signing companies.

Mr. WONDERFUL: I have a great idea. Since you take forever to pay people who have done work for you, I’ll buy 50% of your business and then take forever to pay you for it.

CONTESTANT: Oh, well, I’m not sure I like that idea.

LORI: If you don’t like being treated that way, don’t treat others that way. What comes around goes around.

CONTESTANT: Well, that’s just the way our industry works. I don’t always get paid on time by title either.

LORI: As I was saying, refer to my last statement.

Mr. WONDERFUL: It seems like you are participating more in the bad karma business than the signing business. Maybe you should change your business model.

MARK: Yeah, perhaps you should pay people a day before they do the work and then they can keep you waiting indefinitely to actually do the work. That is how it is hiring programmers.

CONTESTANT: Please don’t bring up the “p” word.

LORI: The “p” word? Programmers? Why? Did you pay them and then they didn’t do their work? That is a business model for most programming companies in the industry who cater to small clients. That’s why I get an air-tight contract before I hire a programmer to even write a single line of code.

BARBARA: Sounds like you need a better business model. I’m out by the way. But, if you consider paying people upon proof of having finished service by having them fax you a few pages of the work, that might be a reasonable system for having work done and paid for quickly.

CONTESTANT: Yeah. The problem is that if I pay the Notary before I get paid by Title, I might just be out the money.

LORI: That’s a cost of doing business. Pay the Notary whatever you can afford after you calculate the percentage chance that you won’t get paid. At least you will still have good Notaries working for you in this case.

CONTESTANT: Okay. I’m out.

Mr. WONDERFUL: You can’t be out. You’re the contestant. By the way I’m out.

CONTESTANT: Well, it sounds like I’m not going to get paid on time which is why I’m out.

LORI: We could paypal you the funds right away.

CONTESTANT: But, funds can be reversed and the policies are wishy-washy for non-tangibles.

LORI: But, I don’t want anything to do with your type of business model paying people late and not being innovative. Why not a more cutting edge business model where Title is forced to pay within 72 hours of you paying the notary or you either cut them as a client or raise their rates accordingly. You could have the whole pay structure as part of an automated system.

CONTESTANT: Snapdocs is the only intelligent business model these days. The rest of us use technology from the 90’s.

Mr. WONDERFUL: It’s time to get with the times. I’m out. Ooops. I said that already. Oh, running out of time speaking of time. It’s time for our next contestant.

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July 27, 2018

Black Notaries vs. White Notaries. The Notary Dance

Filed under: Humorous Posts,Popular on Twitter — Tags: — admin @ 11:33 am

Our last Black vs. White was really more about Asian parents vs. White parents and how white parents don’t make their kids study enough. That made white people very upset. Don’t be upset — just have your kids study harder. But, all the offensive comments… are they really necessary? The reason I write this type of blogs is that they get a lot of clicks. This is what people want to read about. It excites them. You know what they say — get your clicks on route 66. If you don’t want me writing about this type of subject matter, then click on something educational like our Notary Public 101 course or other tutorials.

WEEZY: George, I really think that Florence should become a Notary.

GEORGE JEFFERSON: Flo? She doesn’t know nothing about paperwork, or any kind of work for that matter.

WEEZY: I think it would be good if she knew some other types of ways to expand her horizons. But, I’m worried. What if she makes a mistake and costs a business owner thousands?

GEORGE JEFFERSON: Mistake? That ain’t nothing to worry about. How can you make a mistake if you don’t do anything?

TERRENCE: Personally, I think the Notary industry is racist.

WEEZY: How’s that?

TERRENCE: Have you ever noticed that you always sign a white document with black ink? There’s a whole lot more white than there is black.

SEINFELD: I never thought of that before. Why not have a black document signed with white ink?

KRAMER: Why not invisible ink, that you can only see with a special light! (rubbing his hands together)

FLO: I think that Notaries should have their own special Notarial dance.

SEINFELD: I like the idea, but how would I make a joke about that… let me think…

GEORGE JEFFERSON: Most Notaries that I’ve seen are white. The idea of a white person doing any type of a dance is a joke in itself.

SEINFELD: (nodding head) yeah, that’s right. Unless it is some sort of a Jewish dance. Our people excel at dancing, but only if it is in a circle. The minute we have to dance standing still or in a line, the whole thing just falls apart.

GEORGE JEFFERSON: The only reason your people know how to dance, is that they got plenty of practice while living in Africa and even more practice while running away from the Pharoah.

SEINFELD: I disagree. Running away from Pharoah was running in a particular direction — East. Our people just like to go in circles. Circular dances, circular reasoning, circuitous logic, etc. It gets you absolutely nowhere, but it’s so much fun if you don’t get dizzy.

FLO: I get dizzy just looking at reruns of my big fat Jewish Wedding. The whole thing where they lift the guy up in a chair into the air singing Le Chaim. I can get Le Chaim on sale downt he street every Thursday. I don’t see what the big deal is.

SITTING CROW: I like Jewish Pow Wow plenty good. But, they need better drum.

(The next day, Tom the white guy on the Jeffersons married to a black lady talks about his dream)

TOM WILLIS: I had this terrible dream last night.

FLO: What was it about?

TOM WILLIS: It was about Notaries.

GEORGE JEFFERSON: Was it about white men and black women doing a whole lot more than just holding hands and singing cumbaya?

TOM WILLIS: No, that came BEFORE the dream before I went to sleep. I’ll spare you the details.

FLO: I bet it was about white Notaries TRYING to dance.

TOM WILLIS: Actually, that was exactly what it was about. How did you know?

FLO: Oh, just a hunch.

TOM WILLIS: It all started out with a lot of suspense, just like the suspense that Helen and I had not knowing what gender our baby would be…

GEORGE JEFFERSON: And not knowing what color he would be!

TOM WILLIS: Well what happened was that 123notary created a video about a Notary dance that went viral on youtube… well that’s something that hasn’t been invented yet, but will be soon according to my psychic that Helen doesn’t know about and who’s rates are very reasonable by the way… please don’t tell Helen. In any case after the video came out, Notaries throughout the USA started doing the Notary dance. The dance was created to make Notaries feel happier, but it divided Notaries along racial lines because the black Notaries thought that the white Notaries weren’t doing the dance well enough. In fact, People started hiring Notaries based on their dancing skills and white Notaries got mad because they were disporportionally left out. They started an online riot and burned down half of Linked In. I’m not sure how this works because it all happens in the distant future.

SEINFELD: Why would anyone want to hire a Notary who danced? It doesn’t make sense. I can see the pen doing a dance, but the Notary? Most Notaries are crotchety people in their fifties and sixties. This whole dancing thing just doesn’t gel with me.

SITTING CROW: Our people have a Notary dance. But, we only do it wearing a wolf outfit which is made out of a wolf head and skin that we killed many years ago.

TOM WILLIS: It’s such a shame that people become divided so easily over race. It just divides society in half.

GEORGE JEFFERSON: And it might divide certain marriages in half as well!

WEEZY: I just can’t figure out why Notaries start an online riot, whatever that means, when somebody says something that bothers them. Can’t they just talk things over in a civil way like George and I… okay, bad example.

SEINFELD: And last time Jeremy posted his Black vs. White article on facebook about the Notary manual, people had an online riot and posted hundreds of angry and hateful comments about it when the article was not disrespectful at all. What gives? They could have a polite way of voicing their opinions instead of having a riot all throughout Facebook, Linked In, and whatever online networks will be created in a decade or two.

FLO: Or three. It’s the seventees where we are — at least for now. We’ll have to work our way into the 2000’s.

GEORGE JEFFERSON: Yeah, that’s the key word…. work! If it requires work, you’ll never get there!

.

You might also like:

Black Notaries vs. White Notaries – Comedy Edition
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=17455

Notary Psychic Tarot Card Reading
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19126

Notary Jail
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19666

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July 1, 2018

SnapDocs wants to sell shares on Shark Tank

Filed under: Humorous Posts — Tags: , — admin @ 12:38 am

Disclaimer – This article is purely for comedic purposes and I very much doubt that SnapDocs wants to sell its shares to Shark Tank.

CONTESTANT: Hello sharks. I would like to sell 50% of my business SnapDocs to you. We are an innovative platform where someone can hire a Notary, pay the notary, download documents, and look up reliability stats all using our convenient platform. We charge a fee that changes over time for using our services and looking up Notary information. We make “x” amount of money per transaction with a yearly profit of “y” dollars. We have been in business several years, so we are not brand new, but we are growing and are going to attempt to take 123notary’s market share as they are the leader of the notary advertising industry — so far…

Mr. WONDERFUL: Can you show us a little about how your features work?

CONTESTANT: Yes, you see you can share snapdocs with friends by using this feature here, We can get hard to get information on title companies which is valuable for attracting notaries using this other feature, and our best feature is the “Beat 123notary” feature.

LORI: How does the beat 123notary feature work, because I’m interested?

CONTESTANT: Umm. Awkward. That feature doesn’t seem to be working now, but programming is on it. We get more clicks than 123notary now, but only from people who don’t pay their notaries that well. 123notary keeps getting the good jobs.

Mr. WONDERUL: Maybe that is because they have better Notaries than you.

BARBARA: What good is having the best technology if you have the worst Notaries?

CONTESTANT: We’re trying to talk the best Notaries into working for the fees offered from those who use our site.

Mr. WONDERFUL: And how low are those fees?

CONTESTANT: (awkward pause) Um… Someone made $125 the other day.

LORI: The other day? How about in general?

CONTESTANT: Hmm. Let’s change the topic of the conversation. I would like to sell 20% for One Million.

MARK: Since you’re making money from this, and it is unclear whether 123notary will take your market share or whether or not you will take theirs, I will offer $100,000 for 20%.

CONTESTANT: $100,000? That is what we pay programming in several months.

LORI: I’m out, because it is too unpredictable, and it is not exciting enough.

BARBARA: I’d rather buy part of 123notary. They really scrutinize their Notaries which results in a better quality site, even though the Notaries are always complaining about being scrutinized.

LORI: 123notary is not for sale. Jeremy says it is his baby and he will never sell unless he is unable to care for it anymore.

Mr. WONDERFUL: Or runs out of baby formula. I’m out.

.

You might also like:

Shark Tank – Notarizing in the shower for executives
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=20511

A signing company wants to sell shares on Shark Tank
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=20817

Shark Tank – Traffic Freezer for Notaries
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=20509

A Notary goes on Shark Tank with Shazamdocs!
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18943

Shark Tank – 123notary wants to sell 10% of its shares
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16021

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June 29, 2018

Shark Tank — Notary Traffic Freezer for Notaries

Filed under: Sit-Coms — Tags: — admin @ 9:14 am

ANNOUNCER: Next into the tank is a way to make traveling a breeze.

ALICE: Hi Sharks, my name is Alice and I’m seeking one million dollars for 5% of my company.

ROBERT: Woah!

ALICE: How many times in traffic and thought, this isn’t a way to spend our precious time on earth! What if I could adjust the traffic around me and get to where I need to be! Well sharks, now you can. With Notary Traffic Freezer, you can get traffic to stop around you, and get traffic lights to always turn green when they sense you coming. You would have to get around on a motorbike so you could weave in and out of the stopped cars. It’s a little bit like being in an ambulance assuming people are obedient and pull over and stop.

Mr. WONDERFUL: That’s interesting, but right now in the Notary industry, Notary jobs are frozen and nobody’s getting paid on time. Maybe you should have a signing company check unfreezer, so the checks start coming in on time. Your product isn’t going to do any good until people start getting some jobs.

ALICE: Well, the economy could turn around any minute. And notaries who are seasoned pros, don’t have any trouble getting work.

ROBERT: I have trouble getting to work, can non-Notaries use this too?

LAURI: Isn’t that illegal to use space age technology to freeze the actions of people around you? It sounds like something aliens in space ships would do.

ALICE: That’s exactly where we got the technology from. They sold it to us in exchange for liking them on gallactic Facebook. I guess they are so advanced that they think this type of technology is cheap.

Mr. WONDERFUL: I think that you’re going to get arrested. But, other than that I like the idea. I’m out for legal reasons.

LAURI: I’m out too.

ROBERT: I’m out as well, but can you take me to your leader?

ALICE: I would, but Trump doesn’t like aliens. But, don’t worry, my alien friends are talking about returning in 314 earth years, so they’ll be back. And besides, if the cops come to arrest you, you can just freeze them and run away.

LAURI: That’s a very good point, but I’m still out, unless you’re going to beam me up.

ALICE: We are also working on a time machine where you can get to any GPS coordinate in real time or another time without freezing anyone.

LAURI: Well that fits into my schedule. Just set the coordinates to ten minutes ago, and I’ll get paid well if I’m getting paid by the hour. I like it. Let me know when (no pun intended with the when remark) you have your time machine ready.

ALICE: Okay, It’ll be ready yesterday! I’ll have to contact Zorbon about that though. I’m not sure if he’s as flexible about sharing his time technology, at least not this time.

.

You might also like:

Shark Tank – 123notary wants to sell 10% of its shares!
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16021

Driving – Notary Ed similar to Driver’s Education
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19132

Shark Tank — Self Driving Notary and other posts (popular string)
http://blog.123notary.com/?tag=shark-tank

The Towles Booth
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=9456

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>

May 25, 2018

Psych episode — busting the Russian Mafia with help of a Notary.

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Sit-Coms — Tags: — admin @ 11:06 am

Psych Episode — custom’s agent is dead, but who is the killer?

SHAWN: We have a new assignment. But, we might need Lassie’s help.

GUS: I hate working with him, that arrogant prick.

SHAWN: But, we need him. We work well together. A custom’s agent is dead. It is up to us to find the killer. But, it’s still unclear how he died and who killed him if anyone.

(Shawn and Gus go to see Woody for the autopsy)

WOODY: Still working on it. Oh, wait.

SHAWN: Wait a second (putting finger to his head), I’m getting something. Yes, I’m definitely getting something. The spirits are telling me something. The custom’s agent did not die peacefully… he was injected with something, but what?

WOODY: Here it is. His inner thigh has needle marks. He could have been poisoned. I’ll have to send a sample to the lab.

GUS: Meanwhile, we need to investigate. We need to know who the last several people were to have seen Mike Williams, the custom’s agent.

(three hours later after seeing some police investigation files)

SHAWN: The last person to see the custom’s agent was Anatoly Kruscionov, a known mafia henchman. My senses are telling me he is the killer.

GUS: Don’t you mean Kruschevnov?

SHAWN: No, it’s Kruscionov.

GUS: Shawn, I’m pretty sure it’s Kruschevnov, I know the name..

SHAWN: What are you eating?

GUS: Cheeze bits.

SHAWN: They look more like Cheetos.

GUS: That’s because that’s what you want to eat right now. It’s psychosematic.

SHAWN: No, you’re psychosematic.

GUS: I am not!

SHAWN: Are too!

LASSITER: Gentlemen. May I disrupt your valuable dialogue here for a moment? Anatoly Kruscionov is leaving the country in three hours. We absolutely have to get to his office before his limo picks him up. We haven’t a minute to spare.

(all three get in the car and rush to Anatoly’s office)

NOTARY: Now, please sign my journal right here? Hey, why are you looking at the other entries?

ANATOLY: I was only staring at the page. (jotting something down)

NOTARY: Just out of curiosity, what’s your sign?

ANATOLY: Me, I am Leo.

NOTARY: That’s not what your ID says, It says you were born in January — busted!!!!

ANATOLY: Hey you try to trick me. But, now I know address of guy who cheated me, I learned from your Notary journal, you lousy backstabbing Notary.

LASSITER: We are from the Santa Barbara Police Department and have a few questions for you.

ANATOLY: First of all, get out of here you lousy Notary. No travel fee for you. Next, Mr. Lassiter, I would love to speak to you, but I want to speak to Mr. Shawn Spencer…. alone.

SHAWN: Sorry, I never go anywhere without my sidekick Mr. Spock.

GUS: I’m not Spock, for the last time, my name is… Oh… Actually, who are we dealing with here. Hi, I’m Nelson Spock, pleased to meet you.

ANATOLY: (sends Lassiter out of room and locks the door.) Why do you fools chase me? Do you not know I am dangerous man?

SHAWN: We know, that’s why we came to see you. Danger excites us. We know that after you had a confrontation with Mike Williams, he ended up dead. You know, the custom’s officer. Could it be that he knew something about your operation that you did not want him to know?

ANATOLY: What operation?

SHAWN: Could it be that the twenty kilograms of heroine that are to be delivered in three days were discovered by Mike?

ANATOLY: How do you know this? That’s not supposed to come in for a week. Who told you?

GUS: You just did!

SHAWN: Busted!!!!

ANATOLY: You guys are dead. You tricked me. You and that Notary. Ugh… Now we play a little game. Put this gun to your head and pull trigger, otherwise my boys kills you.

SHAWN: He, this guy wants us to play Russian Roulette.

GUS: It’s not Russian Roulette unless the gun is a six shooter with one bullet in it. You don’t know how many bullets are in the gun.

SHAWN: Well if you don’t know how many bullets are in the gun, then it is Ukranian Show Down.

GUS: There’s no such thing as Ukranian Show Down!

SHAWN: Yes there is, I was reading about this online.

GUS: But, it’s not the same thing if someone has a gun to your head. Technically it’s still Russian Roulette

SHAWN: Is not!

GUS: Is too, and that’s a far cry away from Siberian roulette which is a very different variation…

ANATOLY: ENOUGH!!!!!!! You two are idiots. But, you will be dead soon. Put gun to head… absolutnye idiot!!! Suca blatt!!!

(ring-ring)

SHAWN: Hey Woody, what’s up?

WOODY: It turns out that Mike was not murdered after all. He was a drug addict and he overdosed on regular morphene. There are no other drugs in his system. Unless the killer knew he took morphene and wanted to make it look like an overdose.

SHAWN: Woody, we’re being held at gunpoint here, now is not a good time to….

ANATOLY: Enough!!!

SHAWN: We just found out that you are not the killer.

ANATOLY: I kill you any way.

(meanwhile Carlton Lassiter called for back up)

(HUGE CRASH — SBPD busts in)

LASSITER: Put your hands in the air. We have the place surrounded.

JULIET: No not you Shawn. Get over here.

SHAWN: Sorry, just an instinctive reflex.

NOTARY: Oh my God, look at all of the commotion. I would like to report that man. He is a very bad man and has a fake ID.

SHAWN: Oh, can you notarize something for Woody? An Affidavit of Autopsy?

NOTARY: I would, but my journal is being confiscated by the Secretary of State. They want to know about the criminal I notarized earlier today and also they think I am not keeping proper records.

JULIET: Let me see this… Oh my God? You didn’t put the document date? Such sloppy work. No wonder you are in trouble.

SHAWN: Hey Juliet, you aren’t supposed to look at that. It is under the exclusive care of the notary and must be kept under lock and key.

GUS: How come you know so much about Notary work.

SHAWN: I read, plus it’s always been an interest of mine. I heard that Notaries get to do jobs for interesting characters, many of whom are criminals like Johnny that British bloke we visited in jail.

GUS: The one who you imitated who knows where you live.

SHAWN: Good point. Maybe I should just stick to what I’m doing. And a tip for the Notary. Don’t go immediately home after this.

NOTARY: Why not, are Anatoly’s guys following me?

GUS: I think they are following all of us.

.

You might also like:

Psych Episode about a Notary. Did the body die from food poisoning or was it murder?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19397

Flashpoint – Notary job for a hostage with a multimillion dollar contract
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=18798

Compilation of Notary sit-com episodes
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15949

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