Have you heard of the Notary Hotel or Notary Motel? If you have been working for high paying title companies, you can now afford the Notary Hyatt, but the breakfast isn’t included unless you have a special arrangement.
NOTARY: Hi, I’m here to check in. I have a reservation for tonight.
CLERK: Ah yes, Mr. Public We’ve been awaiting your arrival.
NOTARY: Do I sign your journal based on the date I made the reservation or the date I check in?
CLERK: The date you check in — of course. Sign right here. And I will need a thumbprint.
NOTARY: Well I’m all thumbs — and besides, I’m too nice to give you the finger. Is it one journal entry per person per room, or one entry per person regardless of how many rooms?
CLERK: Just one journal entry, unless it is a corporate sale.
NOTARY: Do I get one key or two? And how about a pool wristband?
CLERK: The wristband has your inmate number on it, but can no longer be used for notarization per the new civil code 4583.45.
NOTARY: Oh, that’s too bad, but I don’t see myself being notarized in the hot tub. This is the first time I’ve heard “notarized” and “hot” in the same sentence.
CLERK: We certify that it gets up to 125. Don’t scald yourself. But you can get notarized underwater in the pool using our new underwater eNotary technology.
NOTARY: Great. If they drown, I can notarize their Death Certificate. Is the underwater eNotary technology hands free? My mother told me never to use electric appliances in the bath tub.
CLERK: No you just use your finger like you would paying your bill at a restaurant on one of those eSignatures. You can even buy a wet noodle underwater using our system.
NOTARY: That’s great, because I want to visit your Chinese spot next door. Can I get a Chinese continental breakfast with Shao Bing You Tiao tomorrow?
CLERK: Sorry — wrong continent. But, I will give you a complimentary breakfast ticket. Use it from 6am to 10am downstairs — don’t lose this. And here is your room key. It looks like a notary seal, just affix it to the rectangular pad on your door to get in.
MAID SERVICE: You will love our soaps in your room. We have one soap that is made with squid ink — especially for Notaries. An ancient Chinese saying says it helps you notarize better.
NOTARY: Hmm, never knew Confucius ever needed a Notary.
MAID SERVICE: Oh all the time. During the analects, he had to see a Notary several times in fact. And one more thing. There is a password to get into your room. We do this to keep the fake Notaries out. The computer embedded in the door will ask you to give Oath verbiage just to make sure you are upholding the law as a Notary Public. If you fail to give an applicable Oath, you might have to come down for a tutoring session before you get to sample our soaps.
NOTARY: I heard the remote for the TV was shaped like a Notary seal.
MAID SERVICE: That it is. But it is not one of those PhD remotes. It is really simple. Here, let me emboss your breakfast card so you can get a free omelette.
NOTARY: Cool, I mean hot.
(meanwhile the notary goes to his room.)
NOTARY: Wow, this joint is plush city… I wonder what’s on television. Oh, the Notary Channel. Who would have thought. Oh, another Notary channel for adults — Lucy embosses the seven sailors. Very naughty. I wonder how I can see a movie. Oh, I need to be notarized to see a movie to make sure I did not hit the buy key by mistake. My remote does a print out, I sign it, and then maid service notarizes it? Hmm. Let me ring.
MAID SERVICE: Hola — lociento pero no Ingles senor.. Just kidding!!!! You rang? Need something notarized? I love this concept. I am notarizing a Notary. Isn’t that like marrying your sister?
NOTARY: Not exactly. Here is the printout. I am ordering the movie Nancy breaks down the acknowledgment process. Something nerdy to fall asleep to.
MAID SERVICE: Oh, that is a good film. Nancy gets arrested in part three because she does something illegal by mistake because she skimmed through the tutorial instead of mastering the materials.
NOTARY: Finally a notary so bad, even Nicholas Cage won’t star in it. I gotta see this. Okay, here is my ticket. Please notarize it.
MAID SERVICE: This is a form is the same as a credit card receipt. There is no room for my notary seal!!! Just kidding, we use a small one for these forms. We have a customized seal for it in fact that we use just for movies. It is cleared with the Secretary of State too.
NOTARY: Super. How much do I owe you?
MAID SERVICE: Just a review on Yelp please. That is worth more than gold — providing it is a good review.
NOTARY: Well I’m going to say how you ruined the movie by telling me what happens in part 3.
MAID SERVICE: But, I didn’t tell you how it ends… So there will still be mucho suspense!
NOTARY : Good point.
Wow, I just love these eight large bronze circular containers with lids. This is a high-class breakfast. Or should I say Hyatt class. Hmm, the breakfast skillet looks good with the sausage, potatoes, onions, and peppers, I’ve never seen this before except at Denny’s, well, the pictures in the menu at Denny’s. Oh, certified Costa Rican coffee. That looks good. I love this place. (20 minutes later) Time to go back upstairs.
(At door to room)
DOOR: Please administer an Oath to me for a document that says, “I want to take a shower.”
NOTARY: I don’t understand the question.
DOOR: Entry denied.
NOTARY: Hey, I paid a lot to stay here!!!
DOOR: But, this hotel is for Notaries only. If you don’t know how to administer an Oath, you are not a real Notary. You are fraud. Fraud alert buz buzz buzz. Fraud alert.
NOTARY: Okay okay okay. Do you solemly Affirm that whatever… that I want to take a shower.”
DOOR: BUZZZ wrong!!! You are having ME swear that I want to take a shower, not that YOU want to take a shower. And in an Oath, you swear not affirm. Don’t they teach you anything in Notary school?
NOTARY: In my state we don’t have Notary school.
DOOR: You can say that again. Please go downstairs for your tutorial and we will need to re-zap your key.
NOTARY: Is that the correct verb, to zap my key for another 24 hours of entry?
DOOR: Some people say “re-key” or configure your key.
TEACHER: Hello student. Do you know the difference between an Oath and an Affirmation?
NOTARY: Ummm.. Aren’t they the same?
TEACHER: They can be used interchangeably, but if the customer requests one, you cannot give them the other, that would be choosing the notary act for them and these are distinctly different, yet interchangeable notary acts.
NOTARY: Umm, but what if the signer doesn’t want to talk about God?
TEACHER: You can recommend an Affirmation if they don’t like God — their maker. But you cannot choose for them.
NOTARY: What if they object to the absence of God?
TEACHER: Not in this century. This is the no God century. I’ll be surprised if the entire earth doesn’t fry. Hell, fire and brimstone!!! Just say to the door, “Do you solemnly swear that you want to take a shower?” Then, wait for the door to say yes. Then, you will have to figure out how to get the door in the shower, and how it will have privacy where there is no door in the doorway.
NOTARY: Hmmm, very good point. But, wouldn’t it be the computer in the door that wants a shower? Perhaps we could give it a waterproof shower using new technology. Unless the door is just testing me.
NOTARY: I’m ready. I’m putting my key in, or my notary seal against the stamp pad. Open sesame.
DOOR: I have signed this paper and want an Acknowledged signature. Would that be okay?
NOTARY: Well I don’t feel comfortable notarizing something that you already signed. Can you sign it again?
DOOR: How badly do you want your shower with the soap with squid ink in it — in minute quantities of course.
NOTARY: Okay I’ll do it. Will I end up in jail like Nancy?
DOOR: If you read (not skimmed) but read your handbook, you would know. Access granted.
NOTARY: What a relief. Just as a disclaimer, the real Hyatt does not do stuff like this. They just let you into your room with your key with no notary questions. This blog is about the Notary Hyatt — completely different place. But, you know something. I like this place so much, I’d like to stay here for the rest of my commission until my expiration date. I wonder if they can make me a key that works for that long. In any case, I have appointments today, so I have to check out. Let’s see how that procedure works.
FRONT DESK: Please destroy your notary seal key and bring it to the Secretary of State County Clerk office on the main floor.
NOTARY: Where is that?
FRONT DESK: The next desk over. You will need to take your Oath of non-office there too now that you are checking out. It’s like a Notary Oath of office in reverse.
NOTARY: Got it. I’m filled with energy from the waffles, so I think I can handle it. See you next time.
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