The clown business gets slow because of Covid-19 (which is no joke) and a clown desperate for business joins 123notary. He starts getting jobs right away because his notes section is so unique with comical references and cute jokes. He goes on his first signing.

CLOWN: I’m Larry and I’m here to do your signing.

SIGNER: Oh, wonderful. Please come in Larry. Love the face paint. I think this clowning around Notary service will really take off.

CLOWN: Before we handle the Deed of Trust, I’m going to juggle the borrower copies, the main copies, and this plastic cup. This is way more entertaining than your last signer I bet.

SIGNER: Yeah. I read the reviews. “This guy is a clown!” and “He’s good at juggling appointments.” So far you didn’t botch any signings it looks like.

CLOWN: Yes, but the scheduling is hectic. Last week was like a circus going to all of my appointments. It will get worse if the interest rate becomes negative. They will pay you to borrow money.

SIGNER: Interesting. Hey look, I have my own rubber Notary stamp…. Ooops, it squirted you.

CLOWN: Hey, aren’t I supposed to do that? On the other hand, maybe that’s why you picked me. In any case, my slogan is — when it comes to getting your signing done on time, and correctly the first time — we don’t clown around.

SIGNER: I like that tiny car you have outside. How do you fit in it?

CLOWN: Oh, I fit with ten other family members. We run around the car three times before getting in. Half of my sister hangs out the window, but it’s all good. Okay, now let’s get serious… please disregard my red nose when trying to be serious. Let me clear my throat… Um-hmmm. Now, I’m serious… (honk honk). We’ll begin with the Deed of Trust, and then we have the Note. Make sure the property address is correct otherwise you might be paying for someone else your whole life.

SIGNER: Okay…

(20 minutes later)

SIGNER: We finished the package!

CLOWN: Now, since you have high ceilings, we went over that by phone, I am going to walk around the signing table on stilts…

SIGNER: Well done. BTW, Fedex is around the corner and their open until 11pm even during Covid.

CLOWN: Super. And last, but not least, a signing with me is never complete unless the signer gets a pie in the face!!!

SIGNER: Excuse me….. too late. I’ll write a review with a photo warning your other clients of what to expect from you.

CLOWN: Most of my clients are bored with their life and this is exactly what they need. Besides, you didn’t have dessert yet tonight, right?

SIGNER: And I am behind on doing the laundry, now I have one more reason to get it done and fast, not to mention take a shower.

THE WIFE: Ha ha ha… He deserves that pie. He has no sense of humor about anything. Thanks Mr. Clown Notary. Let me double check your work to make sure you didn’t clown around notarizing documents…. nope… it’s all good. I use to be a Notary myself, but not the type of Notary you are.

CLOWN: Thanks for everything. I’ll drop the package right away.

Jeff the therapist gets tired of dealing with insurance companies, secretaries, and the daily hassle of being a psychotherapist and longs to become a Mobile Notary. However, he seems to have trouble transitioning into his new life.

JEFF: He, my name is Jeff Winkler and I am here to facilitate the signing of your refinance. Do you have any prior medical conditions I should know about?

SIGNER: No

JEFF: Are you on any medications that could complicate our signing?

SIGNER: Ummm. Lipitor

JEFF: Oh, is your cholesterol high?

SIGNER: No, because I take Lipitor. If I didn’t take Lipitor, then my cholesterol would be high.

JEFF: I understand. Do you ever hear voices?

SIGNER: I think we all hear voices. My wife is the only big voice that I hear.

THE WIFE: I heard that!

JEFF: Great, well here is the package. Can we sit at the dining room table?

SIGNER: Fine

JEFF: Will your insurance be covering the signing?

SIGNER: I think the Notary fees is listed on the TRID or the Settlement Statement. It’s $200 and out of that I’m sure they pay you at least $35.

JEFF: Yup, sounds like your insurance company covered it and is giving the service provider their usual 20% or so for doing 99% of the work. Let’s see…. Now, here is your rate and on this other document your APR. The APR is higher than the rate, how does that make you feel?

SIGNER: It’s supposed to be higher because it incorporates fees and closing costs into the percentage plus it’s compounded.

JEFF: Aren’t I supposed to explain that to you? Maybe you should be the signing agent.

SIGNER: Does that bother you?

JEFF: No, but it perplexes me. Perhaps you have been through this several times and know the drill. I’m still fresh out of medical school with Loan Signing Systems. I just got a degree in signing from them. Was your mother also a borrower?

SIGNER: We had a loan under my father’s name as a child.

JEFF: How did that make you feel?

SIGNER: I think that is pretty standard. I was not aware of my parents’ financial arrangements.

JEFF: So you had no feelings about that. Uh-huh. I’m taking notes. Do you feel comfortable signing the entire package?

SIGNER: I’m already 90% done.

JEFF: Yes, and on this document here, you need to sign with your middle initial.

SIGNER: Yes, I will… By the way… How does that make you feel?

JEFF: I feel a sense of completeness when you use that middle initial. Something I never felt as a child.

SIGNER: I’m afraid our time is up.

JEFF: Hey! I’m supposed to say that. You’ve taken over my job as a Signing Agent AND as a therapist.

SIGNER: How does that make you feel?

JEFF: It makes my life easier and it provides comic relief?

SIGNER: Great, next time you can lie on the couch during our session. I’m doing a construction loan and I’ll request you. I run a few businesses and we are always doing signings.

JEFF: Oh, perfect. Here’s my card. I also do Weddings and Bar-Mitzvahs

SIGNER: Mazel-Tov. See you next time. There’s a Fedex station around the corner on Wilshire. It’s open late.

There are a few people in particular Notary agencies who do a certain degree of motivational speaking for Notaries. Normally they do this for the purpose of sales, or in my case to get you to study harder and write more in your notes sections. But, what if there were someone who specialized in Notarial motivational speaking? What would his name be? How about Chad Robbins, and we can pretend he is a distant cousin of my favorite motivational speaker Tony Robbins.

Chad never did well in school, or anything else he tried. He was failing in life. The only thing he had in his favor was that he was motivated, and could get other people motivated. He was at a job interview, and there were twelve others in the waiting room. He got them all pumped up for the interview, so that one of them got the job, but he did not. He couldn’t figure out what to do with his life. Years went by doing dead end jobs. He languished in despair, contemplated suicide, and moped around. Finally, out of the blue, someone came to him and said, “Why don’t you become a motivational speaker for Notaries?” He said, “Great, but what’s a Notary?” So, he took the 123notary certification course after becoming a Notary and signed up on 123notary.com — at least in the story he did. He learned from Jeremy how to motivate Notaries to greatness and decided to work with that and expand upon it. He became the greatest Notary motivational speaker ever.

CHAD: Working on that notes section will reward you for the rest of your career.

NOTARY: I know, I know, I know.

CHAD: What are you doing that is more important than creating that benefit for yourself which will probably translate into tens of thousands in extra revenue over the next ten years.

NOTARY: I have to clean the house and I have an assignment tomorrow.

CHAD: Will the assignment pay you $10,000?

NOTARY: No, of course not. They don’t pay enough. I’m only getting $60 if they pay me.

CHAD: If I had $1000 in my right hand that you could have if you wrote a good notes section and $20 in my left hand that I would just give you now, which would you take.

NOTARY: That’s easy, the $20 in the left hand so I would have time to do my crummy $60 signing tomorrow.

CHAD: You are a difficult case. It only takes a few hours of reading and modifying your notes to have a listing that stands out. If you don’t, you might get ignored and not even be able to survive in the Notary business.

NOTARY: Motivating with fear. Okay, you win. I’ll postpone the laundry, but if I get another $60 signing, I’ll take it before I complete my notes so that I have something to whine about.

CHAD: Good. Read the “Your notes section” category in the 123notary blog for tips and take notes. With your experience of 500 loans signed you will have something to talk about for sure.

——– (end of scene)

CHAD: Linda, you are a new Notary, but you have no certifications. How will you stand out with potential clients?

LINDA: Oh, I’m certified by the State of New Hampshire.

CHAD: That’s not a certification, that is a commission. Getting a loan signing certification from one or more of the three best programs will help attract serious clients. It takes some work, but that work is what is going to jump start your career.

LINDA: I don’t have time. I have a $40 signing tomorrow. They are ripping me off.

CHAD: With no certifications and no experience you are lucky that people are even giving you a chance. The time you invest in Notary education will come back to you for the rest of your career. It only takes an hour per day for a month or two and you can be solid in your knowledge. That normally translates into an average increase of revenue per signing and also a lot more signings.

LINDA: I’ll wait until I’m really bored and then I’ll think about it.

CHAD: Older Notaries who don’t have credentials get used because of name recognition. They have been in the game for years. But, newer Notaries have no credibility at all. Let’s look at the search results on 123notary. Look, see Susie, she has four certifications as a signing agent, is a member of five Notary organizations, wrote a very comprehensive and well organized notes section and has a registered company name. Look at her, and then look at your notes section with your one liner that says, “Hi, my name is Linda. I am a Notary. I will travel. Call me first.” Why would anyone call you, when Suzie looks ten times as good as you.

LINDA: Oh my God, I never saw it that way. You win. I’ll buy the LLS, Notary2Pro and 123notary certifications and start studying. I will not be outdone by another woman!

CHAD: And remember — you need to be PASSIONATE about whatever you are doing. Live with ENTHUSIASM (raises fist in the air.)

LINDA: With me it’s not about passion. It’s about one-up-man-ship. I can’t stand the idea that someone else looks better than me. I’ll outdress her too. You’ll see. What does she wear?

CHAD: It says business casual.

LINDA: Well then I’ll wear fancier business casual or business formal. She will have something to worry about now.

CHAD: I’m not sure what I did. But, I hit the right button by mistake. Motivational speaking is all about pressing people’s emotional buttons. Greed, fear, revenge, passion, one-up-woman-ship, desire, vision, etc. Some people are more noble in their aspirations while others are more jealous, but I’ll get results any way I can.

BOTTOM LINE
If you write a thorough notes section on your listing, ask for help from Jeremy proofreading it, and get a few certifications, you will look really good to the clients. Get a few reviews as well from clients even if they found you somewhere else. The time you invest in bettering your listing could be worth more than $1000 per hour in long term benefits because you might keep your listing for ten years and reap the benefits every day for those ten years which can add up.

It is worth it to sacrifice less critical short term things you want to do for long term goals of studying, and refining your marketing presence. It doesn’t take that much time. If you compare it to the time you invested in high school or college, this is nothing, but the payback is often huge.

A Mortgage Underwriter (with a background in origination as well) decided to become a signing agent. But, who called herself the Signing Undertaker. Every time she arrived at a signing she said, “I’m sorry for your loss.”

The borrowers couldn’t figure out what loss she was talking about. She explained, “The loss of the $256,000 you will lose in payments over the next 30 years.” One borrower concluded, “Now, I understand why you are called the underwriter.”

The Notary would have music from funeral services to start the signing and do a eulogy about the loan as well.

Dearly beloved. We are here to witness the signing of Fred’s loan. If at any part of this process you feel sad, don’t worry, we have Kleenex in our bag. Fred’s money was a good money. It was always there to help Fred, and Fred’s friends. The dollars led a good life… (sob) I can’t do this. This is too emotional. Okay, I’ll do this. And Fred’s money has now departed. It is so sad. I guess this is how life is. Money comes and money goes. But, it departed so soon and so young. None of us were expecting this.

FRED: Um, Mrs. Notary, can we finish the signing please and cut the music.

NOTARY: Sob…. okay. You’re right. We should just get to the point, and then we can bury the money.

FRED: We are not burying the money.

NOTARY: Okay… but, were you close to the money?

FRED: (gives the Notary — the look.)

NOTARY: I understand how you feel.

FRED: Okay. We’re done. Thank God you are not a therapist Notary otherwise you would say — I’m sorry , but I’m afraid our time is up.

NOTARY: I was going to do that, but stopped dead in my tracks because you don’t play organ music in that profession. Especially the Bach Toccata and Fugue in D minor which is often played at funerals. My favorite piece of music of all time… sob.

FRED: Oh, I’m sorry for your loss. You seem so sad.

NOTARY: No, I’m supposed to say that. I’m the undertaker Notary, not you.

FRED: Well I’m the undertaker signer. So, I’m sorry you feel so sad. I love Bach too. But, I’m afraid our time is up.

NOTARY: So, now you are the signer therapist? I can’t get a handle on who you really are. Who am I dealing with here?

FRED: See you next time and we’ll give you a good review on Yelp. Loved the music. I’ll request they play that at my funeral if I ever die.

NOTARY: Oh, you will…. and how!

FRED: Thanks for the vote of confidence. Watch the steps. They go down… come to think of it they go down exactly six feet.

NOTARY: I am one step closer to my grave.

FRED: More like nine, but who’s counting. Have a nice evening.

Welcome to the Notary banquet where diets are vanquished and appetites are satisfied every time. They have dishes named after types of loan signings. Let’s see what they have to offer.

Squid Ink Pasta
If you like the 1sts enough, you can have a 2nd, or a piggy back (combination loan) by combining the 1st and 2nd together and adding prosciutto. And yes, the ink comes out of a pretend notary seal.

Seal Kabob
I guess these are endangered species and they say, “ar ar ar” quite well, but for blogging purposes they taste great with light mediteranean seasoning. I wonder what seal tastes like. I bet it tastes like eel and rhymes with eel too. Maybe they should make sushi out of it.

Hybrid Plates
Surf and turf, steak and shrimp, this is what we call a hybrid.

eSigning dish
You eat a small plate but have to order with a signature pad. It’s one of those things millennials like that the rest of us might not like.

sHELoCs
Instead of HELoC, there is sHELoCs with angel hair pasta that looks like her locks.

Conventional
Tired of unconventional fusion cuisine? Try something conventional like chicken fried steak or apple pie.

FHA
Fries, Hamburger and Acorn Squash. This delicacy will entice your taste buds.

Reverse
I’m not sure how this would work. Would your server approach you walking backwards, or would we do a film shot of this scene and then play it backwards. Perhaps you would eat it backwards — hold that thought, no, bad idea.

Purchases
Just pay after you’re done eating.

Construction
The cake is built in pieces kind of like a prefab. So they construct it before you. If you don’t like it then get a demolition loan for your cake or a remodeling loan.

Time Shares
How often do you do time shares? When I have time. You can share food, but can you share time while eating food? I guess you could let the person next to you eat off your plate for 30 seconds if you know them well and trust them. This is a weird blog article even for me.

1031 Exchange
Yet another bizarre dessert idea of cake carved into the shape of the numbers 1031. Anthony Fauci would like it because he is all about “the numbers” and “the science.”

The Covid Cake
You have to stay six feet away from it and eat it taking your mask off in between bites. Of course, then you get germs on your mask which you can’t do either. So you are stuck.

I-9
The staff made a mistake and brought a K-9 (they were off by two letters) who went around sniffing everything and eating food that fell on the floor. So, he served his purpose. Then he found marijuana on one of the guest and drama ensued.

RON
Using this technology for dining, a person in Dubai can enjoy the banquet you are having right here in the Westchester district of Los Angeles. I’m not sure how that is possible. I don’t think you need to ID them virtually to eat a meal though.

Foreclosures
If you didn’t finish all of your courses, I guess the staff would have to foreclose on you and take everything away after a period of time.

Thank you for enduring my off sense of humor. I haven’t wr

As you know, no Notary to our knowledge has died of Covid-19, but lots are hiding out because, “What if I get Covid and spread it to someone else?” But, in this blog article we are going to pretend that this plandemic caused death and destruction to so many Notaries that they had to create a cemetery just for Notaries.

At the Notary Covid Cemetery, please notice that all of the graves are six feet apart and the bodies are six feet under. This is to meet social distancing requirements.

The gravestones must all wear masks.

This part of the cemetery is for those who died of Covid-19. What about the other part? Those are the ones that died of the aluminum and other bio-hazards in the vaccine.

People who don’t like the cemetery are not called anti-semitic, but anti-cemeteric or non-symmetric. It’s different.

You can stand on the dry grass, but not on the wet grass because of “the science.” Of course a similar cemetery in a neighboring state has the exact opposite rule once again, because of, “the science.” I’m not sure these guys are using the same scientist or choose studies based not on how reliable they are but based on if they meet “the narrative.” So which is policy based on, “the science” or “the narrative” or is it all just arbitrary and unconstitutional BS? Hmm. Around here even the dead don’t have the right to free assembly. What on earth is going on here.

We asked the governor if the dead would ever have the right to take off their N95s and he replied, “over my dead body!”

The lack of human rights is a very “grave” situation, especially around here.

The mausoleum to the left had an antiquated stamp collection of the late Sir. Notarius Floyd who died of an ink overdose. Such a tragic way to die. He also liked doing online notarizations because much of the information was en-crypt-ed. No wonder he died so young.

Beethoven was in the vault next door to the mausoleum. What was he doing? Decomposing! When his finger twitched, we called it Beethoven’s first movement.

Last year the cemetery was busy. Everyone and their mummy seemed to be there. But, this year, the place was dead.

In any case, the Notary Covid-19 cemetery is one of the best places in town. Most people would die to go there. Our suggestion is to go there before your expiration date, unless you renew your commission — before it is too late.

This will be a fun discussion. Some Notaries encounter maniacs, people with gun collections, axes, a pet squirrel, mannequins, signings in their garage, hoarders, and more.

Let us know your insane stories. They make great conversation.