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July 14, 2012

Protecting yourself with a contract

Filed under: Business Tips,Loan Signing 101,Tips for Getting Paid — Tags: , , , , , — admin @ 7:19 am

Protecting yourself with a contract 

It is common for big companies to make the little guys sign a contract with many terms for doing business. One common term is to have an arbitrator resolve issues, and the arbitrator is probably picked by the company in question — how fair!!! ……. Not!    But, how often do the little guys think far enough ahead to protect themselves?  I say that notaries need to make signing companies sign something that will protect the notary’s interests.  But, will anyone sign it out of desperation? If they like the notary enough, they might, but if you are a novice with no experience, you will not have such good luck.
 
Here are terms that I would discuss.
 
Trip Fees
If I am assigned a signing agent / notary job by your company, and travel to an assigned location, and the job is cancelled while in travel, I want a $50 trip and preparation fee.  I want $75 for jobs more than 40 miles from my house according to mapquest’s mileage estimates.
 
Printing Fees
If I am assigned a signing agent / notary job by your company , print out documents and borrower’s copies, and then your company cancels, I want a $40 printing fee.   (it might not be worth this much, but you have to factor in the hassle of billing these clowns and trying to collect).
 
Payment regardless of funding
If I am assigned a loan signing job by your company, and I complete the signing, but the loan doesn’t fund, your company must pay me $100 per signing.
 
Payment regardless of if the borrowers are willing to sign
If I am assigned a loan signing job by your company, arrive at the specified location, and start a signing with the borrowers, and then they change their mind about signing and refuse to sign, your company must pay me the entire fee agreed upon.
 
Waiting time
If I am assigned a loan signing job by your company, I will allow up to 60 minutes for the job.  If the borrowers want to read every letter of every word in every document and take in excess of 60 minutes, I require a waiting time fee of $40 for every additional 30 minutes, or any fraction thereof.
 
Late payment penalties
I expect to be paid within 30 days for all loan signing services.  If a payment is post-marked late than 30 days from the date of the signing, I will charge a late fee of $25 per signing, and then an additional $25 for each fifteen days after.  If you fail to pay this late fee, I will terminate services with your company.
 
I think that notaries are fools to just be willing to do business with anyone without even background checking them.  On the other hand, a contract like the one I drafted (written in informal language and not legalese) might be too demanding, especially the waiting time.  Perhaps a more liberal contract should be drafted, but notaries need to take protecting themselves a lot more seriously and get more professional and methodical about it.  Bigger companies almost always make you sign a contract, why shouldn’t you?

You might also like:

Getting what is due: A clever play!
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=3221

Pricing formulas & time spent
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=588

Signing Stream makes notaries sign a contract that they won’t write anything on forums.
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=13640

Notary Marketing 102 – a complete and free marketing course
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19774

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June 30, 2012

Can a notary public act as a witness?

Filed under: Witnessing — Tags: , , , — admin @ 12:13 pm

Can a notary public act as a witness? 

We already have a very thorough blog entry entitled:
 
Can a notary be a witness?
 
That contains all pertinent details regarding notary witness requirements and procedures.  To sum it up, a notary can act as a witness in any state in their capacity as an individual.   However, in Delaware, and Washington State, and perhaps a few other states, a notary can do witnessing as an official notary act, and charge an official fee set by the state for their services.
 
Is it better to hire a notary to be a witness?
Since notaries work exclusively with signers, signatures, documents, foms, certificates, etc., many people feel that notaries are better equipt to handle the (not so vigorous) responsibilities associated with being a witness.  Additionally, notaries have been screened by their state and are more likely to be honest upstanding citizens — or at least that is what many of us like to think.  The reality is that some notaries have no idea what they are doing, while others are very particular about witnessing, and documenting information in conjunction with witnessing. 
 
Why would it matter who you picked as a witness?
If someone witnesses a document signing or a Will signing, it doesn’t matter much who they are provided they are at least 18 years of age.  On the other hand, if the witness ever needs to be contacted after the fact, it is good if the witness has lived in the same place for a long time so you know where to reach them.  If your witness works for the circus or lives in a caravan and moves around a lot, you might never see them again. Having a witness who is a notary might help if they provide some extra documentation for you. Additionally, a mobile notary supposedly knows how to show up at the appointed place at the appointed time and might be more reliable with logistics.

You might also like:

Types of witnesses in the Notary profession
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=5664

Credible Witnesses from A to Z
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=452

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June 5, 2012

How to find a bilingual notary public

Filed under: Find a Notary — Tags: , , , , , , — admin @ 12:40 pm

How to find a bilingual notary public

How to find a bilingual notary public Many states prohibit a notary public from providing notary services to someone who they can not communicate DIRECTLY with. This means no translators allowed. Therefor, if you have a signer who does not speak English, you will need a bilingual notary public to notarize their signature.

Notaries who advertise as bilingual.
Many notaries advertise themselves as bilingual. Some don’t even specify which two languages that they speak that makes them bilingual. Most people would guess that the pair of languages would be Spanish and English. You will find native speakers of Spanish, children of Latin American immigrants, and home-grown Anglos who will claim to be bilingual — but not all claims were created equal.

Some people are proficient in both languages enough to be a certified translator. Some can speak, but can’t write. Many can communicate on a simple level in their second language as well. The notaries you have to watch out for are the ones who know only a few words of Spanish and promote themselves as bilingual notaries to get a few extra jobs, when they clearly are causing more trouble than anything else. Test your bilingual notary out on the phone If a notary claims to be bilingual, half of them have a translator in the back room who is not always there and not always available. That is a semi-fraudulent claim of bilingualness if you ask me! Others can not function in the language if your question goes beyond, “How are you, and what is your name?”. Talk to your bilingual notary on the phone and see how capable they really are.

Test them before you book them in your calendar. How do I find a bilingual notary public? 123notary.com has a wide selection of bilingual notaries speaking every language from Amharic, Arabic, Armenian, Chinese, Farsi, French, German, Hebrew, Hindi, Italian, Japanese, Korean, Portuguese, Russian, (American) Sign Language, Spanish, Tagalog, Vietnamese, and Zulu (not necessarily in that order). Just do a search, and on the upper right hand side of the page you can filter your search by typing in the name of the language. There are actually speakers of many more languages than mentioned above, but those are the common ones. We even had one or two notaries who spoke Chaldean, Tigrean, and Twi among other languages. Don’t use the term Notario Publico The Spanish term Notario Publico is very different from the American position of Notary Public. Notaries are forbidden from using the Spanish term in their advertising in most states. American notaries are forbidden from giving legal advice and are of a much more common position than a Latin American Notario which is a position almost as high as an attorney.

You might also like:

Notarizing your foreign language document
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=2768

Notary Procedure for Affidavit of Support Documents
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=1421

Bilingual Notaries, how often are they needed?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=238

Is it better to be bilingual or speak Spanish?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19264

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May 8, 2012

California notaries with complaints

Filed under: California_Notary,Popular on Twitter 2012,Popular Overall 2012,Ultra-Popular — Tags: , , , , , — admin @ 11:59 am

Notary Public California – complaints against local notaries 

It is easy to hire a notary public in California that you found online. But, how do you know they are reputable, or any good?  You don’t.  You take your chances. However, some notaries on 123notary.com have reviews about them.  You can read who has good reviews or bad reviews.  It is not always safe picking a random notary. As far as horror cases go, we have only had a handful of serious nightmarish notaries over the last decade, and we remove them once we have determined that they are a source of endless trouble!
 
The Kinko’s story
We had a California notary public fail to print out documents and have the borrower’s pick her up, drive her to Kinko’s where she could print the documents and then driver her to their home.  Borrowers are not chauffers, and this notary got dropped off once the borrowers got a hold of the lender.  A year later — the drama continues.  The California notary public in question is operating under a business name, and hiring other notaries to do tasks for her such as obtaining apostilles in Sacramento.  The problem is, that when checks come, they all have an elastic characteristic.  Notaries have complained on the forum about this company several times, and this particular California notary is one of the worst notary nightmares we have ever experienced and goes down in history as a legend.
 
Stories of notaries that fail and what they did wrong – http://blog.123notary.com/?p=143
 
Affordable Notary Service – http://www.123notary.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=4880
 
24 hour service?
Another California notary public advertised 24 hour service.  An individual calls them at 6am with an emergency.  The notary hangs up on the individual claiming that it is “too early”.  If you are not offering 24 hour service, don’t CLAIM that you do.  It is a requirement that if you want the 24 hour icon, you have to be willing to answer the phone after midnight whether you feel like it or not.
 
The white out story
A notary in California goes to a signing. She forgets to have the wife sign the Mortgage (oops), and then uses white out to change some information in the loan documents.  The worst possible thing you can do during a loan signing is to use white out which voids the usability of the document.  It gets better — then, the notary blames the Title company for not hilighting the signature areas in the documents where the wife was supposed to sign.  When she was requested to return to the borrower’s house to finish the incomplete signing, the notary recommended that they find someone else.  The notary replied to this complaint against her by stating that she used the mother-in-law as a required witness to the signing. Then, the Title company asked her to use someone else at which point she used white out to remove the mother-in-law’s signature and go and get a neighbor. 
 
123notary’s opinion: There is no crime in having an additional witness.  The problem is using white out, and cross outs also look unprofessional in a loan signing and can cause a loan not to fund. Additionally, a witness should be a party who doesn’t have a beneficial interest in the transaction — they should be uninvolved like a neighbor or stranger.
 
The four hour rule
Another California notary accepts a job for a signing.  Then she cancels at the last minute because she learns that the company who hired her doesn’t pay their bills.  There were a few forum posts about the company stating that the company didn’t pay their notaries.  In any case, the notary could have researched the company simultaneously while talking to them by using www.123notary.com/s and would have learned that they didn’t pay BEFORE accepting a job from them. Or, the notary could have researched them soon after the phone call and then cancelled.  The last minute cancellations cause a lot of grief to many parties and are not acceptable. The Lender emails me stating that the notary cancelled 2 hours after the signing and said that she was, “not able to help”.  Then, the notary replies to me stating that she EMAILED the borrower 45 minutes before the signing (that is considerably sooner than 2 hours after like the lender stated).  The notary claimed they called the borrowers but couldn’t get an answer or a voice mail. I’m not sure I believe all of this story, do you?  How many people do you know who don’t have an answering machine or a disfunctional one?  I think that the notary should have given four hours notice in a case like this and should have kept trying the borrowers every 30 minutes until she got them. You can’t just leave people high and dry!

Tweets:
(1) A notary had the borrowers pick her up, take her to Kinkos where she printed the docs & made them pay for it!
(2) 1 Notary claimed 24 hour service & hung up on a client who called at 6am saying it was “too early”
(3) The Notary forgot that the wife had to sign & then used white out to modify the documents!
(4) A Notary accepted a job, then cancelled right before the signing when she learned the signing co. had a bad payment record.

You might also like:

Penalties for Notary misconduct and fraud
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=21315

Common complaints we get about notaries
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19399

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March 21, 2012

Background Screening for Notaries?

Filed under: Business Tips,General Articles,Loan Signing 101,Popular Overall 2012,Ultra-Popular — Tags: , , , — admin @ 4:22 am

Background Screening – who needs it?
 
Notaries are never quite sure whether background checks and background screening are an important part of the industry, or just a way for the agencies who provide it to make more money.  The state and DOJ screen you when you become a notary, right?  You can not be a felon and still be a notary, right?  So, why a redundant background check?  Does it make the signing companies feel better? Do they even want it?  The reality is that few companies ever ask notaries for background checks, but a few do.  How much work will you lose by not being background checked?
 
In California or Out of California – it makes a difference
If you are outside of California, aside from getting more inches of rainfall per year, the standards for becoming a notary are different.  California has been more stringent in commissioning notaries for more than a decade, than other states in the country.  After 2005, it got even harder… a lot harder.  Its now very difficult to become a California notary public.  The test is murder, and then you need to get live scan fingerprinting (last I checked — and this is always changing), and checked by the DOJ and the FBI, and in some counties of California maybe even the KGB.  Okay, maybe not the KGB, but I’m trying to illustrate how picky things are here.  Nobody who is the least bit sketchy or questionable will be able to become a notary, unless they didn’t get caught yet.  But, what about other states?  The rules change from state to state. It is possible that many states are very lax about background checking their notaries, and in those states, maybe the NNA should background check notaries!
 
A popular topic on the forum
Background checks are a very popular topic on the forum simply because there is so much confusion and emotion tied to the subject.  There is nothing notaries hate more than having to do something redundant.  Personally, I do redundant things daily, and I don’t mind providing I’m getting a benefit from it.  Others don’t see it the way I do based on these blogs. 

You might also like:
If you visit the forum and use the search box you can look up many more strings about background checks, but these are the strings that I thought you would like the most!
 
Question 13: Background Checks
http://www.123notary.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=2673
 
Background check standards 2010
http://www.123notary.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=4035
 
2nd Background check by Service Link
http://www.123notary.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=4007
 
Nations Direct and Background Checks
http://www.123notary.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=3518
 
Background Screening?
http://www.123notary.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=328
 
Its back, background check requests
http://www.123notary.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=3442

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March 7, 2012

If you can’t find a witness to sign…

Filed under: Witnessing — Tags: , , , — admin @ 3:21 am

If you can’t find a witness to sign a document… 

Certain documents such as Wills generally require the signatures of witnesses.  It is better if the witness knows the signer, however, sometimes, you just have to get a living breathing human being who is 18 years of age or older.
 
A notary can be a witness. Some states allow notaries to witness as an official Notary act.  But, I have not heard of any state prohibiting a notary from acting as a witness in their capacity as an individual.
 
You can always try to grab a neighbor or a stranger who will be willing to act as a witness.
 
It is good to document the witness’s identification, printed name, phone number and address just in case.  You might need to find that person after the fact, or prove that they really witnessed a real signature.
 
Sometimes, a notary might be instructed to notarize the signature of a witness on a Will.  Although notaries are generally discouraged from notarizing the signatures of the main signer on a will, I have never heard of a notary being discouraged from notarizing the signature of a witness on a Will.

You might also like:

Can a Notary be a witness?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=21359

Can a notary witness a will or notarize one?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=1525

Where do credible witnesses sign the journal?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=2508

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February 13, 2012

Certified Signing Agent – what does it mean?

Filed under: General Articles — Tags: , , , , , , — admin @ 6:52 am

There are different signing certifications out there.  There are NNA certified signers, 123notary certified signing agents, and many other agencies have a similar type of test and certification.  But, what does it all mean? 
 
NNA certification is famous, and people think that they are a government agency.  You can learn a lot from the NNA certification process. It is a good use of your time.  My personal opinion is that the test covers much more information than you will ever be able or authorized to use, and that it lacks focus as a result.  I feel it is better to focus on what you will be using daily and to be good at it which is a daunting task for most notaries — believe it or not!
 
123notary’s certified signing agent process
Most NNA certified signers do not want to take another test, and they don’t take ours seriously.  What they fail to realize is that they should not take the test because they like our test.  They should take our test because the visitors to 123notary WILL NOT HIRE THEM as a first choice unless they are certified by us.  Our test is short, not expensive, and to the point.  It is also timed which makes it less popular with the notaries.  A timed test is harder to pass, and that means that you really have to know your stuff and be able to function under pressure.  Most of us can not function under regular circumstances and fall apart under pressure. This is how we separate the ladies from the girls, etc.
 
History of the 123notary certification test
We used to give the test over the phone.  We didn’t have money or technology in those days.  Notaries would say, “Ummmm, ahmmm, I know this”, and think for two minutes when we asked them simple questions about what information is where.  If you have to spend long amounts of time thinking in front of a borrower, they will think that you are an unprofessional idiot, and they will be right.  If you can pass our timed test, that proves that you are motivated, smart, can think under pressure, have a little bit of money, and know your basics.  Passing our test doesn’t mean that you know the subtleties of the profession, but most notaries have enough trouble with the basics which is why we place very little emphasis on the more sophisticated points.
 
Whose test do I take?
Want to be a loan signing agent?  You need marketing.  If you want to advertise with the NNA, then pass their test. If you want to advertise with 123notary, then pass our test.  Get certified by whichever agency you plan to be with — on their jurisdiction (their site).  It is similar to different state laws.  If you are in Ohio, get commissioned by the Ohio notary division, and if you are in Montana, then get commissioned by the Montana notary division.  Don’t tell the Montana notary department that you are ALREADY certified by Ohio, because they don’t want to hear that.

 123notary certified loan signing agents get 3x the business
We tell our clients that they will get 3x the business if they get certified by us.  Our statistics demonstrate this fact.  The smarter notaries get with the program and just do what is necessary, but we get a bunch of arguers who want to spend two hours convincing me that they don’t need the test.  Don’t tell me — tell the hundreds of visitors to our site who refused to call you because you don’t have the certification icon next to your name!

You might also like:

123notary certification gets you more clicks
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=22496

Elite certification will benefit you for the rest of your life
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=20770

Compilation of certification posts
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16264
 

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January 11, 2012

Rude notaries?

Filed under: Etiquette — Tags: , , , , — admin @ 12:56 am

Rude notaries? 

At 123notary, we have 6000+ notaries on board, and we talk to most of them at one time or another.  We take pride in how dedicated and professional our notaries are.  Our notaries answer emails promptly, and have a high rate of answering their phone.  But, once in a while we will get a complaint of rudeness.
 
Who are these rude notaries?
Rudeness is a two-way street.  Most of the time, if a notary is accused of rudeness, the borrower or signing company was unreasonable with them or harrassed them.  Is it the notary’s fault?  In my opinion, a professional should try to maintain their cool at all times.  The defining line that separates the men from the boys is how well you handle a difficult situation with finesse.  Can you calmly handle a difficult client?  Can you smoothly work your way through a difficult situation?  Can you keep your cool when others around you are screaming?  Its difficult to know what to do when a notary is accused of being rude.  I usually keep these incidents off the record, and only in my private records.
 
Incomplete information?
What bugs me the most, is that when I get a complaint about a rude notary, I  only see text such as, “The notary was rude”.  My question is, what did the notary say?  What did you say to them first to provoke this reaction?
 
Notaries who hang up on clients.
We get regular complaints that the notary hung up on someone.  Was the client rude? Did the notary have a cell phone that routinely drop calls?  Was the notary just being a jerk?  Sometimes clients call after hours and the notary doesn’t want to be bothered. 
 
Antagonistic emails
Be careful with this one.  Nobody can remember what you said, other than the fact that it was polite or rude.  However, if you write a rude email, it can be forwarded to me — and that is proof that you really are rude!
 
Threatening clients with lawsuits
When a notary and a client get in an argument, some notaries quickly start threatening clients with lawsuits.  This is really unnecessary and rude.  It reflects poorly on us and on you.   You should not threaten someone with a law suit unless you have serious damages which you can prove.
 
Criticizing the company you are working for.
If you work for a signing company, its not good manners to criticize them or their borrowers. If they are horrible people, just don’t work for them anymore!  If the borrowers are horrible, just try to put up with them.
 
Summary
99% of our notaries are fantastic, and this blog entry doesn’t apply to you. If put in a difficult situation, try to be polite and then refuse to work for the difficult company again!  Don’t criticize people (even if they deserve it), and don’t write threatening emails.  Just do your job, and go home!

You might also like:

What to say and not say: minimum competency guide
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4337

Borrower etiquette from A to Z
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=2995

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August 19, 2011

Excerpts from Great Notes Sections

Filed under: Humorous Posts,Reviews,Your Notes Section — Tags: , , , , , , , , — admin @ 6:43 am

If you do my job, you will see hundreds and thousands of notes sections written by notaries.  Most are very dull and clunky sounding, but a few notaries have really out done themselves and written very classy and entertaining notes.  I have been meaining to write this for months, but there were so many other things to do!
 
Here is one I made up, but never published.
I am a notary public in Egg Harbor, NJ — and I moved here from Broome County, NY.  If my town ever gets hit by a hurricane, we’ll have to change the name to Omelette Harbor.  And Broome county will get swept off the map!
 
Here is one from a North Carolina Notary
I am a native New Yorker with Southern Charm.   When your closing is crucial, you can count on me to be there on time and conduct the signing just as you would, if you could.    (The notary who wrote this really is very patient and charming in real life. I have spoken with him on several occassions)
 
Here is an entertaining excerpt from a California notary
I have personally witnessed more than 4,500 “kitchen table” loan signings. My satisfied clients include individual borrowers, title companies, escrow companies, and nationwide notary signing services. You can rest assured that I have the know-how to seamlessly handle your important documents as well as your borrowers key questions professionally.
 
Here is one I pieced together
I am taking a sabbatical for the rest of the year.  Give me a call next year please! I’ll be available in October — just mark your calendar.

Here is a really professional sounding one from a California notary
Nine years as a notary and 25 years experience in mortgage banking as an Underwriter and Manager.  I am on the approved Notary list of several major Title companies, including First American and the Fidelity Family. Always on time and professional.
 
Here is an Illinois notary who doesn’t mess around
I have twelve years experience as an Illinois notary and signer doing refi’s, reverse, HELOC’s etc. Fees vary per job requirements, $65 to $250. Terms: Net 30 days, $25 late fee after 60 days, $50 collection fee after 90 days.
 
Very Impressive
I do Apostille Processing and I am a Fingerprinting expert, and a Notary / Certified Signing Agent. All of my work is 100% guaranteed – ReDo or Refund – Your Choice. A+ BBB rating. I offer twenty-four hour emergency service. My home is in Manhattan and can usually arrive within the hour. I’m Elite certified by 123notary.com and have E&O Insurance. My web site has genuinely useful information about Notary work, Apostille Processing, Embassy / Consular Legalization and Fingerprinting. I invite you to become one of my Key Clients.
 
Here is part of one from a Los Angeles Notary
For ten years I have served Los Angeles County notarizing: commercial and residential loans, reverse mortgages, first and second mortgages, refinances, helocs, medical records, foreign adoptions, power of attorney, and so on. Apostille, authentication and certification services are also available.
 
This one is a seasoned professional
Fidelity National Title & First American Approved Notary. Background Clearance updated annually. THE best of the best Notary Loan Signing Agents on the Central Coast of California for your client’s requirements, delivering professional, reliable, error free service to your valuable clients that guarantees an accurately signed loan, every time. Co-author “How to Become a Wildly Successful Loan Signing Agent”. * twenty-four hours seven days a week personal service. * Esigning certified; Emailed documents accepted for same day signing! Have laptop/aircard, will travel to your client. * Professional fully trained Signing Agent qualified in all types of loan closings, residential, commercial and reverse mortgage products. * Loan packages can be accepted in all formats. * Highly Competitive Rates. * Top Drawer Concierge Service! 25 years experience, trained to provide a white-glove service unsurpassed by any other mobile notary! I am a proud member of the California Mobile NSA Network!
 
Please also visit
 
Find a notary public in California 

Find a notary in Illinois

Paralysis Notary Service: Notary companies with funny names

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January 26, 2011

The Notaries! Having Emmys for Notaries!

Filed under: Andy Cowan,Popular on Twitter 2011 — Tags: , , , — admin @ 10:58 pm

With yet another Hollywood awards season and mutual admiration society of back-patting waiting in the wings, it’s time to say enough already! How hard is it to act like other people? I act like I care how you are when I ask, “How are you?” You act like you care how I am when you respond, “How are you?” Where are our awards? Where are our mantel dust collectors that equate with our self-worth? (Does my CableACE Award count? It’s defunct. It better not equate with my self-worth.)

It’s time to shine an overdue light on the people who truly deserve recognition. It’s time the notary publics went public. Move over Emmys, and get ready for… The Notaries!

“I’m Andy Cowan, and I’m here on the beige carpet. It’s The Notaries, you weren’t expecting red? It’s a veritable who isn’t who of never weres, wannabes and probably never will be’s! Oh look, there’s the guy who stamped something I needed him to stamp once for a reason that’s long since escaped me. Who are you wearing?”

“A Sears catalogue original.”

“I should have known. Good luck tonight! Can you tell us a little about your next project?”

“Been promising the wife I’d clean out the garage.”

“We’ll look forward to that. Or at least she will.”

Announcer: “From the entertainment capital of the world… give or take a thousand miles… it’s the first annual Notary Awards! … Here now, your host… Andy Cowan!”

“Thank you. Sorry I’m out of breath. I was on the beige carpet. I’m the pre and actual host. I’m also supposed to clean up later, and beige shows the dirt, so it’s gonna be a long night. Since they also saved by not hiring monologue writers, let’s get right to it, shall we? The nominees for best notary public in a supporting role are… Jim Diggles, in “Sit down, and I’ll stamp that for you” … Maria Isaacs, in “Here’s the paper I stamped for you” … and Larry Kreps, in “This stamping will just take a second” …

And the Notary goes to… Larry Kreps!”

Announcer: “This is Larry Kreps’ first Notary Award. Duh! These are the first Notary Awards.”

Larry Kreps: “Oh, my, this is surreal. Thank you so much! Wow. This simulated gold-plated paper with a stamp on it is kinda heavy! First, let me thank my fellow nominees. I’d mention their names, but I only just heard them a moment ago and didn’t memorize them. I share this award with each of you, but the piece of paper I’m reading this on right now hasn’t been certified, so don’t hold me to that.”

Andy’s kazoo signals him to wrap up.

Andy Cowan is an award-winning writer, producer and performer, whose credits include “Cheers,” “Seinfeld” and “3rd Rock From the Sun.” He can be reached through his website, http://upanddownguys.com

Tweets:
(1) From the entertainment capital of the world… give or take a thousand miles… it’s the first annual Notary Awards!

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