With yet another Hollywood awards season and mutual admiration society of back-patting waiting in the wings, it’s time to say enough already! How hard is it to act like other people? I act like I care how you are when I ask, “How are you?” You act like you care how I am when you respond, “How are you?” Where are our awards? Where are our mantel dust collectors that equate with our self-worth? (Does my CableACE Award count? It’s defunct. It better not equate with my self-worth.)

It’s time to shine an overdue light on the people who truly deserve recognition. It’s time the notary publics went public. Move over Emmys, and get ready for… The Notaries!

“I’m Andy Cowan, and I’m here on the beige carpet. It’s The Notaries, you weren’t expecting red? It’s a veritable who isn’t who of never weres, wannabes and probably never will be’s! Oh look, there’s the guy who stamped something I needed him to stamp once for a reason that’s long since escaped me. Who are you wearing?”

“A Sears catalogue original.”

“I should have known. Good luck tonight! Can you tell us a little about your next project?”

“Been promising the wife I’d clean out the garage.”

“We’ll look forward to that. Or at least she will.”

Announcer: “From the entertainment capital of the world… give or take a thousand miles… it’s the first annual Notary Awards! … Here now, your host… Andy Cowan!”

“Thank you. Sorry I’m out of breath. I was on the beige carpet. I’m the pre and actual host. I’m also supposed to clean up later, and beige shows the dirt, so it’s gonna be a long night. Since they also saved by not hiring monologue writers, let’s get right to it, shall we? The nominees for best notary public in a supporting role are… Jim Diggles, in “Sit down, and I’ll stamp that for you” … Maria Isaacs, in “Here’s the paper I stamped for you” … and Larry Kreps, in “This stamping will just take a second” …

And the Notary goes to… Larry Kreps!”

Announcer: “This is Larry Kreps’ first Notary Award. Duh! These are the first Notary Awards.”

Larry Kreps: “Oh, my, this is surreal. Thank you so much! Wow. This simulated gold-plated paper with a stamp on it is kinda heavy! First, let me thank my fellow nominees. I’d mention their names, but I only just heard them a moment ago and didn’t memorize them. I share this award with each of you, but the piece of paper I’m reading this on right now hasn’t been certified, so don’t hold me to that.”

Andy’s kazoo signals him to wrap up.

Andy Cowan is an award-winning writer, producer and performer, whose credits include “Cheers,” “Seinfeld” and “3rd Rock From the Sun.” He can be reached through his website, http://upanddownguys.com

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