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August 19, 2011

Excerpts from Great Notes Sections

Filed under: Humorous Posts,Reviews,Your Notes Section — Tags: , , , , , , , , — admin @ 6:43 am

If you do my job, you will see hundreds and thousands of notes sections written by notaries.  Most are very dull and clunky sounding, but a few notaries have really out done themselves and written very classy and entertaining notes.  I have been meaining to write this for months, but there were so many other things to do!
 
Here is one I made up, but never published.
I am a notary public in Egg Harbor, NJ — and I moved here from Broome County, NY.  If my town ever gets hit by a hurricane, we’ll have to change the name to Omelette Harbor.  And Broome county will get swept off the map!
 
Here is one from a North Carolina Notary
I am a native New Yorker with Southern Charm.   When your closing is crucial, you can count on me to be there on time and conduct the signing just as you would, if you could.    (The notary who wrote this really is very patient and charming in real life. I have spoken with him on several occassions)
 
Here is an entertaining excerpt from a California notary
I have personally witnessed more than 4,500 “kitchen table” loan signings. My satisfied clients include individual borrowers, title companies, escrow companies, and nationwide notary signing services. You can rest assured that I have the know-how to seamlessly handle your important documents as well as your borrowers key questions professionally.
 
Here is one I pieced together
I am taking a sabbatical for the rest of the year.  Give me a call next year please! I’ll be available in October — just mark your calendar.

Here is a really professional sounding one from a California notary
Nine years as a notary and 25 years experience in mortgage banking as an Underwriter and Manager.  I am on the approved Notary list of several major Title companies, including First American and the Fidelity Family. Always on time and professional.
 
Here is an Illinois notary who doesn’t mess around
I have twelve years experience as an Illinois notary and signer doing refi’s, reverse, HELOC’s etc. Fees vary per job requirements, $65 to $250. Terms: Net 30 days, $25 late fee after 60 days, $50 collection fee after 90 days.
 
Very Impressive
I do Apostille Processing and I am a Fingerprinting expert, and a Notary / Certified Signing Agent. All of my work is 100% guaranteed – ReDo or Refund – Your Choice. A+ BBB rating. I offer twenty-four hour emergency service. My home is in Manhattan and can usually arrive within the hour. I’m Elite certified by 123notary.com and have E&O Insurance. My web site has genuinely useful information about Notary work, Apostille Processing, Embassy / Consular Legalization and Fingerprinting. I invite you to become one of my Key Clients.
 
Here is part of one from a Los Angeles Notary
For ten years I have served Los Angeles County notarizing: commercial and residential loans, reverse mortgages, first and second mortgages, refinances, helocs, medical records, foreign adoptions, power of attorney, and so on. Apostille, authentication and certification services are also available.
 
This one is a seasoned professional
Fidelity National Title & First American Approved Notary. Background Clearance updated annually. THE best of the best Notary Loan Signing Agents on the Central Coast of California for your client’s requirements, delivering professional, reliable, error free service to your valuable clients that guarantees an accurately signed loan, every time. Co-author “How to Become a Wildly Successful Loan Signing Agent”. * twenty-four hours seven days a week personal service. * Esigning certified; Emailed documents accepted for same day signing! Have laptop/aircard, will travel to your client. * Professional fully trained Signing Agent qualified in all types of loan closings, residential, commercial and reverse mortgage products. * Loan packages can be accepted in all formats. * Highly Competitive Rates. * Top Drawer Concierge Service! 25 years experience, trained to provide a white-glove service unsurpassed by any other mobile notary! I am a proud member of the California Mobile NSA Network!
 
Please also visit
 
Find a notary public in California 

Find a notary in Illinois

Paralysis Notary Service: Notary companies with funny names

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February 25, 2011

Borrower etiquette from A to Z

Filed under: Comprehensive Guides,Etiquette — Tags: , — admin @ 10:16 am

Borrower etiquette from A to Z

A year or more ago I wrote a blog about notary etiquette from A to Z. The topic arose from a very interesting and detailed discussion about where it is polite to park. The discussion went on and on, and everybody made really interesting points! But, a discussion on NR broke out about borrower etiquette, and I’m surprised that I didn’t publish this topic first, since I love the topic of etiquette (even though I don’t have very good etiquetee myself). In any case, there are many points to consider in borrower etiquette — so, here they are.

PREPARATION

(1) Make sure you finish your meal and clean up your kitchen before the notary arrives. Make sure the smell of your cooking is somehow ventilated.

(2) Make sure you have communicated adequately with the LENDER before the notary arrives. You should be off the phone, and have listened to all of your messages before the notary arrives, especially messages (if any) from your trustworthy lender.

(3) Have all dogs, cats, snakes, birds, cockroaches, vermin, and other creatures behind a securely closed door at least 30 minutes before the signing — for good luck. Many notaries do not like dogs jumping on them. Additionally, if there is an angry or over-zealous dog in the driveway, the notary might be afraid to get of of his/her/their car.

(4) Tell your children not to come into the room of the signing. If they must come, then make sure they are quiet, dressed, and don’t make any sudden movements. Please find a way to deal with screaming babies too as that can be very distracting during a signing.

(5) The TV, radio, and all other noise should be silent during the signing so that people can focus and not make mistakes

(6) There should be a clean surface for the signing, preferably a dining room table. The ENTIRE surface should be free of any clutter and have been cleaned with 409, or Fantastic, etc., immediately prior to the signing.

(7) Make sure that all of the parties involved in the signing are there 30 minutes in advance and have their ID’s ready.

(8) Make sure you know what your rate and APR are supposed to be BEFORE the notary shows you the corresponding pages with that information.

COMMUNICATION

(9) Leave your outside lights on for night signings, so the notary can intuitively know which house to go to.

(10) It is polite and helpful to let the notary know where to park

AT THE SIGNING

(11) Offer the notary a drink right away. Most borrowers are cheap and inconsiderate — it takes them 30 minutes to figure out that, “Oh, did you want something to drink?” And then, they offer you tap water. Why not offer the notary something of a higher quality such as fruit juice, soda, or coffee? Unless you are so poor that you are dying of malnutrition, it is cheap behavior to only offer tap water.

(12) Keep drinks off the table. We have had in-depth discussions about spillage, and what happens when you spill your latte on the deed of trust. Check our forum and blog for older discussions on this topic. Keep the drinks on a chair, or an adjascent table.

(13) Don’t read documents for two hours. The notary came for a signing appointment, not a reading appointment. Your borrower’s copies are for reading. Behave in such a way that the signing will take 45 minutes or less. Read the key points, and the rest can be read on your own time.

(14) Don’t blame the notary for the faults of the lender doing the old bait and switch, or for other problems you have with the lender.

(15) Don’t make phone calls or leave the room during the signing except to go to the bathroom.

(16) Smoking during the signing shouldn’t happen. If it is a really long signing, and after an hour you need a smoking break, perhaps one quick smoking break might be reasonable.

(17) (State specific for MT and TN) It is poor etiquette to expose a gun or other weapon at the signing, or to discuss guns. Notaries usually don’t feel comfortable around guns — at least the notaries that I know!

(18) Don’t discuss politics, gender issues, or anything else controversial at the signing.

(19) Don’t have an argument with your spouse, kids, or anyone else at the signing.

(20) Sign your name as it is typed below the signature line — don’t argue with the notary about this. This should have been discussed with the lender a long time ago.

(21) Don’t make a fuss about being thumbprinted

(22) After it is all said and done, visit the notary’s page on 123notary.com and write a very glowing review about how wonderful and capable the notary was.

You might also like:

Notary etiquette from A to Z
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=300

Compilation of posts about Notary etiquette
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=20505

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Notary pushed off stairs PART 2

Filed under: Carmen Towles,Popular on Facebook (A little),Popular Overall 2011,Ultra-Popular — Tags: , — admin @ 7:49 am

For those that remember my last blog about the notary that was brutally pushed off the steps of a disgruntled borrower by the borrower himself. I have an exciting update.

Click on the link below to see the original story part 1
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=1097

A few weeks ago,  I got a call from our notary that had been pushed from the stairs with some pretty great news. First off, she is healing well and is in good spirits. Our notary went on to thank me for writing her story because some good had actually come from me telling her story. After reading my blog  about her ordeal she decided to send it to the  the signing company that had treated her so poorly.  To her surprise the owner got hold of it and upon reading the blog she received a call from him. He told her that he knew nothing  whatsoever of what had happened to her. He stated that he had not been informed by his employees at the time of the actual attack but only after receiving  a copy of my blog had he became aware of the incident. He stated he was shocked. (To refresh your memory the girls in the office treated her as if she was lying about being pushed off the stairs and in essence accused her of making excuses for why the closing hadn’t been completed.)  He offered his apologies and asked her had she revealed the signing service to 123 or anyone else for that matter and she assured him that she had not. He asked her to please continue not to reveal his company in the future because he was ashamed of his company employees behavior. He then went on surprizingly to offer her 500.00 toward her medical bills.  ( I told her it sounded like hush money to me :))  She said that she kindly excepted his offer but held off sharing it with me because she wanted the money in hand and in the bank. Cant blame her on that one.

She then went on to tell me that per the DA who was handling the case of the borrower that had viscously pushed her had him  formally charged with several counts such as assault with intent to do bodily harm, (and a couple of more serious charges that escape me) and that the borrowers  employer had somehow found out about all of this and had suspended him from work pending the outcome of the trial. So,  it looks like he has major trouble to deal with which he rightfully deserves IMO. I hope this will teach him a lesson he will never forget. Unfortunately for him it looks like he is about to lose everything because I am guessing not only is he about to lose his job he is about to loose his freedom as well.

In closing remember to be safe and watch your circumstances. Although this is not an usual occurrence we now know it is a possibility.

Until next time… be safe.

You might also like:

Notary pushed off stairs part 1
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=1097

Murder in a building a week before the signing
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19272

Racial issues at a signing
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19220

Artificially inflated rates at a signing
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16128

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January 30, 2011

Taqueria El Notario — a Notary Taco Joint

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , , — admin @ 3:13 am

We wrote some other fun blog articles about The Notary Hotel, Notary Fast Food, Notary haute cuisine, and others. But, this one is about a notarial taco place. Hope you like it. Just don’t over do it with the hot sauce. It is very potent here.

Dot your eyes, and cross your tortillas!
Welcome to Notary Taco, or as we call it Taqueria El Notario. Please make sure you have errors and “emissions” insurance if you eat the three bean burrito for the sake of our other patrons. Since we had a few Notary wannabe gangsta’s, instead of a drive through window, we have a drive by window. The window is extra low in case you are driving a low rider. I guess I’m a few decades behind the times, but in Los Angeles, we still have a few of those around.

Before you read our menu, please read the following disclosure:

Notice of Right to Carnitas
As a customer of Taqueria El Notario, you have the right to eat carnitas at any time during business hours. There is no limit to how many carnitas tacos you may consume. Please sign and date to indicate that you have read this document and are aware of your right to carnitas… and pastor!

Here are a few of our choice items:

Habanero Rescission Sauce
If you still alive 3 days after consuming this, you have the right to rescind.

Personally Known Pico de Gallo
Eat this regularly with our home-made chips, and you will feel like you know us.

Pollo of Attorney
I know it sounds a bit loco, but our pollo is so good, we got it patented by an Attorney, hence the name!

Backdated Burrito
The freshness of the ingredients is up to date, it is just that we put yesterday’s date on the burrito.

Salsa Verde Venue
State of California; County of Los Angeles! — The salsa is green at this venue

Avocado Affidavit
This chunky guacamole is so good you’ll swear by it!

Tequilla Lime Testimonium Ice Cream
Just be-clause…

Revoked Refried Beans
Eat these and your commission will be suspended, revoked or terminated — if you have gas.

Notary Commission Carnitas
One of our customers has been eating this dish his entire notary commission — hence the name.

Lengua Tacos
Enjoy one of these before you take an Oath.

Quit Claim Quesadillas
One customer liked these so much she sold her house to be able to afford them every day!

Many notaries come here daily. We hope you like our sauces, dishes and desserts. We hope you liked it, and we hope you come again.

You might also like:

Welcome to The Notary Hotel
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=8822

A date with a notary at “Le Jurat”
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4473

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January 28, 2011

Tomorrow’s Notary Publics

Filed under: Andy Cowan,Popular on Twitter 2011 — Tags: , , , , — admin @ 10:59 pm

no·ta·ry public

noun \ˈnō-tə-rē-\
plural notaries public

————————————

The kids who grow up to become doctors or lawyers have it easy. Oh sure, they have to get into med school or law school. They have to avoid getting thrown out of med school or law school. Physicians have to breathe the germs of sick people. Lawyers have to address curmudgeons as “Your honor” if the curmudgeon is wearing a robe. (Unless it’s Hugh Hefner wearing a robe.) But all of this is a cakewalk compared to growing up to become a notary public. You can study pre-law or pre-med. Pre-notary public? Dream on.

Kids who become doctors or lawyers are conditioned to become doctors or lawyers. Their parents and teachers dangle those career carrots from an early age, encouraging any signs of medical or legal predispositions. What are the signs of a budding notary public prodigy?

“Hello, class. I’m your teacher, Ms. Morrison.”

As Ms. Morrison writes her name on the board, all of her students slavishly continue to zone in on their handheld devices, except for one pimply kid she notices “witnessing” her signature.

“Young man, have you ever thought of becoming a notary public? You just might have the right stuff!”

A teacher’s seal of approval one day. A notary public’s seal of approval years later.

Doctors and lawyers have role models: Doogie Howser … Dr. Oz … Dr. Dre … Perry Mason. OJ’s lawyers. (Not the ones who got him off for murder. The ones who got him locked up for sports memorabilia.) Most notaries are forbidden from offering legal advice or preparing legal documents. Remember L.A. Law? Remember L.A. Notary Public? Me neither.

“Tonight, on L.A. Notary Public, Ted affixes a certificate!”

Wait… sounds likes last week’s L.A. Notary Public. What do you expect? He’s a notary public!

Kids want to grow up to become firemen … astronauts … rock stars… glorified karaoke contestants who follow in the footsteps of American Idol, Carrie Underwood, and dodge the footsteps of American idle, Lee DeWyze. Remember Lee? Me neither.

As The Lone Ranger rides again, kids continue to play “cowboys and Indians.” No child on record has been caught playing “notary publics and document holders.”

Presuming notary publics reproduce future generations of notary publics, how can we help ensure their not so livelihoods latch onto enough sex appeal to generate the action required to reproduce future generations? Dim the lights…

“I’m Ryan Seacrest… and this… is American Notary Public!”

Randy Jackson: “Yo, what’s your name?”

Bill Dudley: “Bill Dudley.”

Randy Jackson: “Are you the next American Notary Public?”

Bill Dudley: “Definitely.”

Randy Jackson: “Okay, dawg, do your thing.”

Bill Dudley: “Can I have your autograph?”

Randy hands Bill a piece of paper with his autograph. Bill stamps said piece of paper.

Randy Jackson: “Bill Dudley’s in it to win it!”

*

Andy Cowan is an award-winning writer, producer and performer, whose credits include “Cheers,” “Seinfeld” and “3rd Rock From the Sun.” He can be reached through his website, http://upanddownguys.com

Tweets:
(1) You can study pre-law or pre-med. Pre-notary public? Dream on.
(2) What are the signs of a budding notary public prodigy?
(3) “Young man, have you ever thought of becoming a notary public? You just might have the right stuff!”
(4) Kids play “cowboys and Indians.” No child on record has been caught playing “notary publics and document holders.”

You might also like:

My Date with Jeremy
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=4473

Are you a Yes-tary or a No-tary?
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16626

You know you’re a notary when
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16038

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January 27, 2011

You know you’re a notary when…

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Humorous Posts,Popular on Linked In — Tags: , , , , , — admin @ 10:52 am

You know you’re a Notary Public when…

(1) You go to a bar and ID the bartender before he has a chance to ID you.
(2) You ID every girl you date even when their high school yearbook is over 18
(3) You like Oreo cookies because they’re embossed.
(4) Your favorite ice cream is from Jen & Sherry’s, Rescinded Rum Raisin
(5) You background screen your golf buddies before going out into the course with them
(6) You have a bumper sticker that says “I’d rather be signing”
(7) You spend so much time with your GPS that you make Siri sign a prenup.
(8) You spend so much time with your GPS that you know all of its most intimate pieces of information such as favorite foods, birthdays, favorite roads, and mother’s maiden name.
(9) You become famous, people ask for your autograph and you’d rather have theirs
(10) Your mailbox and inbox are cluttered by twelve different notary organizations.
(11) Your Jewish son meets a nice Jewish girl and you ask, “Is she a notary?”
(12) Your favorite seafood is squid because it never needs an ink refill.
(13) When you get your parking validated, you rip the stamp out of the person’s hands so you can stamp it yourself.
(14) You comment, “Gee, your hairstyle doesn’t match your ID,” when you meet someone at a bar.
(15) You compliment people on their signatures — “Gee, that’s a lovely cursive.”
(16) You take pawprints of the animals in the neighborhood just in case they get lost.
(17) You spend your spare time last weekend writing a letter to the State of Nevada criticizing them for allowing drivers licenses to be valid for 20 years.
(18) When you go to court (for whatever reason) you correct the bailiff’s Oath wording.
(19) You wear a T-shirt saying, “I’m not your husband’s mistress, I’m the Notary!”
(20) You have an NNA towel that you take to the beach (if such a thing exists)
(21) All guests entering your house must personally appear before you and sign the journal, put a date and time, plus reason for entry.
(22) Your favorite California wine is the Notary Public Cabernet – You’d swear under oath it’s the best vino there is if you weren’t busy slurring your notary verbiage
(23) When your friend asked you, “Can I turn left here?” You respond, “I am not an Attorney and may not answer legal questions or perform loan signings in the state of Georgia. I am just a Notary.”
(24) When you go to cocktail parties and people ask what you do you respond, “Next question.”
(25) When you go to a bar, you always order their signature drinks.
(26) When someone asks how old your young children are, instead of measuring their age in weeks or months, you measure it in fractions of a commission. Oh this one? Judy? Yeah, we got her during my 2nd commission. But, Fred over here we’ve had since before I was commissioned at all. He must be getting old now.
(27) You ask your Jewish friends if they need their kid’s Bar-Mitzvahs Notarized.
(28) If your friend invites you to a party and then calls you to change the venue, you offer to initial the change.
(29) You have a bumper sticker saying — Warning, I brake for Mortgage Brokers.
(30) You have another bumper sticker saying — Notary on Board
(31) You have a happy hour menu with special prices for Jurats.
(32) Your favorite Chinese restaurant has fortune cookies that read — He who backdate live long life, but have short commission.
(33) You have a special credit card that gives double miles if you stay at The Notary Hotel
(34) When you see a girl with a nice tan, you comment that she must have used a lot of toner to get that look.
(35) When you go out for steak you only get certified Angus steak.
(36) When charitable organizations send you 500 labels with your home address on it, you throw them out as you prefer to use a customized stamp.
(36) Your favorite movie was — Honey, I Notarized the Kids.

.

You might also like:

Notary Aptitude Test
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15853

You know you’re a good Notary when you…
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14912

30 point quiz: Jeopardy
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=14557

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Notary Sushi Bar

Filed under: Humorous Posts — Tags: , , — admin @ 10:51 am

Just for the record, I just went to a new sushi bar at Universal City Walk. I have to go there to visit the Zen Oxygen Bar. I lose a lot of energy unless I get my O2 from time to time. My regular spot at Panda Inn closed down, so I was off to try a new place. Right next door there is a spot owned by a famous celebrity chef. I mentioned that this chef could come up with a novelty chocolate dessert that is shaped like a hockey puck. They could call it “Wolfgang’s Puck.” I’m sure it would be a top seller.

I just tried a new chicken stir fry dish at this new sushi bar. It was great. But, I asked them what it would be like it their restaurant was a Notary sushi bar. They had no idea.

The Multi-State Miso Soup
This was the best I’ve ever had. And it comes with it’s own rider you have to sign before enjoying the soup. The kelp in the soup was top notch as well.

Embossed puck shaped sushi anyone?
Instead of sushi rolls, they had sushi that was the size of silver dollars and embossed. It was more of a raw fish sandwich with embossed rice on the top and bottom, and spicy tuna in the middle. Hard to dip into the Signature Soy Sauce and “Witness Wasabi” mixture.

Scilicit Soy Paper
Then, there was the Scilicit Soy Paper so flat, you could write a venue on the top. State of California, County of Los Angeles.

Subordination Soba
For noodle dishes they had Universal Udon and Subordination Soba. I got used to the idea of cold noodles, and soba is a national favorite of Japan. Lean buckwheat noodles! You can’t go wrong! The Thai’s have a dish called “Drunken Noodles” while the Japanese have “Soba.” The question is, which noodle dish should you have first? Yesterday, I had monsoon noodles. That is what Natalie Thai calls their drunken noodles. Either way, they are one of my favorite Thai restaurants.

Subscribing Sake
One shot of this and you might be under the table. But, honestly, Korean soju is much more potent than sake any day. I can’t handle it!

Kim Jong Eel Roll
Tired of politics, and just want to eat? This will be the perfect culinary solution to your problems. It has a California roll with eel, eel sauce, and tempura flakes, plus a little kim-chee on the side. Hence the name, the Kim Jong Eel Roll.

Ousama Bin Latte
After your meal, if you want to wash it down with some coffee, consider a Ralph Macciato, Frank Sumatra, or their special Ousama Bin Latte.

Good Faith Green Tea Ice Cream
Forget about tempura ice cream. That is a novelty that never worked. But, green tea ice cream by itself, or with banana egg rolls really does the trick.

I’ll skip the last part about flood zone fortune cookies.

.

You might also like:

Sam’s Notary BBQ
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=16490

Scribbles: A Notary Comedy Club
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=15258

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Notarization on the Steve Harvey Show

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Popular on Linked In,Sit-Coms — Tags: , , , , — admin @ 6:31 am

STEVE: I have a surprise for you. Do you know why we invited you here today?

CAROL: I have no idea, honestly no idea.

STEVE: Well, I’ll give you a hint. Have you ever had anything notarized?

CAROL: No, I can’t think of anything that I’ve ever had notarized.

STEVE: Well think harder. Think fifteen years ago.

CAROL: Hmmm. I’m coming up with a blank.

STEVE: Well, you might not remember this notary, but he remembers you. And he has something of yours that you gave him when he last saw you back in 1994.

CAROL: 1994?

STEVE: Here he is!

CAROL: Oh my god, Oh my god! Randy. I remember you, but forgot that you were a Notary. And that’s the necklace I gave you. I remember it all now!

STEVE: Well, brace yourself. You better sit down. Because Randy has something that he wants to ask you!

CAROL: Oh my god. I can’t believe this is happening. Yes Randy. What did you want to ask me.

RANDY: Carol, I met you almost twenty years ago, and I have never forgotten you. You have been on my mind ever since. I realized that when we talked, back in 1994 the conversation was so meaningful. But, there’s one thing that has been on my mind that I have been needing to ask you ever since.

CAROL: One thing? Sure, ask anything you want. I just am not prepared for what you might ask.

RANDY: Carol… will you…ummm… how can I put this. Remember the notarization I did for you back in 1994. My journal said that it was for an Affidavit of Occupancy.

CAROL. Oh yeah, now I remember. That was to lock in a particular interest rate on that house.

RANDY: Well, we got so wrapped up in conversation that I forgot to ask you one thing. Carol, will you… um… will you complete the Oath that I forgot to ask you for that Affidavit of Occupancy? I kept a copy of that document all these years with the necklace you gave me.

CAROL: Oh my god, you still have that?

RANDY: Please raise your right hand. Do you solemnly swear that the information in this Affidavit of Occupancy are true and correct and that you agree to the conditions in the document?

CAROL: I do.

RANDY: I’m so relieved. Because, in my notary career, I never violated notary law, not even once. But, I realized that failing to administer an Oath for a Jurat on an Affidavit is grounds for suspension, termination, or revocation of your notary license. I’m so glad that I administered that Oath, and got it out of my system.

CAROL: You came all the way to have me on TV, just for that?

RANDY: Oh, and one more thing.

CAROL: Yes?

RANDY: Carol…. will you marry me?

CAROL: Oh my god! Yes I will, well, at least we can start dating. But, on one condition.

STEVE: The sister has conditions? I gotta hear this!

RANDY: Sure, that’s fine

CAROL: I will need a notary statement stating that you want to date me and that you will take me out for penne arrabiata at Carmino’s Italian Restaurant.

RANDY: That’s a little odd. Would you like the notarization to be a Jurat, Acknowledged signature, Protest, or an Oath.

CAROL: I’d prefer a Jurat with an accompanying Oath. And yes, I’ll keep a copy of that document to show you in 2034!

STEVE: This is amazing. I’ve never seen anything like this in my career. Just one question for Randy.

RANDY: Ask away!

STEVE: Randy, I’ve never been notarized, ever. I just want to know what it is like being notarized, just to get it out of my system. Can you notarize me?

RANDY: On camera? The camera adds 10 pounds to any signature you know.

STEVE: That’s okay. So, what’s the first step.

RANDY: I’ll need to see some ID sir!

STEVE: What, you don’t know me? I’m Steve Harvey — I’m famous. You don’t need to ID ME!

RANDY: Well, actually it is a legal requirement here.

STEVE: Oh allright. I was just playing with you. Here’s my ID. Which one you want. I got five of them.

RANDY: Your driver’s license will work.

STEVE: Allright, now what do I gotta do. Do you want me to sign something?

RANDY: If you don’t have a document, you could have something typed up.

STEVE: Well what do you want it to say?

RANDY: It can say anything you want just as long as you sign it.

STEVE: Hmmm, I’m gonna have to think about that. (he looks to the left, looks up, and looks around) I thought about it and I know what I want to say now.

RANDY: What is it?

STEVE: I wanna say, I’m Steve Harvey, and I’m smooth like butter.

RANDY: We can do that. Just sign the journal here. (staff hands him the typed up paper) Sign the document here. I’ll attach an Acknowledgment certificate, stamp it… we’re done!

STEVE: That’s it? That was easy. I didn’t feel a thing.

RANDY: It’s a fairly standard act.

STEVE: Well, I want to wish you and Carol the best of luck on your first date. In fact, we are going to pay the first $200 of your date’s expenses for dinner for two at Maggiano’s in Los Angeles. That is the fanciest, most amazing Italian restaurant anywhere in California. I love that place! Then, get this — are you ready? You can have another $200 for your next date and a gift certificate for two to see a 3d movie or movie of your choice at IMAX in Universal Studios.

CAROL: Wow Steve. This is the best day of my life. I never expected any of this.

RANDY: Thanks Steve. I don’t know how to thank you.

STEVE: Well, you can thank me with a notarized statement if you really want to know how to get to the bottom of my heart!

.

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January 25, 2011

Notary Housewives

Filed under: Humorous Posts — Tags: , , — admin @ 11:42 pm

You’ve heard of Mafia housewives, Mid-Western houswives, well now there’s Notary housewives.

WIFE #1: Honey, I thought we talked about that before.

NOTARY #1: I know, I know, I know. I was supposed to do this a month ago. Get an inkless thumbprinter so I don’t come home with ink all over my hands.

WIFE #1: The NNA sells them for only about $16. Just do it. And while you’re at it, don’t forget to take out the garbage — it’s stacking up.

NOTARY #1: So, are you still mad at me?

WIFE #1: About taking late night jobs? It’s not that. I just want to know where you are. It makes me feel uncomfortable that you’re with strange women at all hours of the night.

NOTARY #1: For your information, they’re not strange. And there are men too who I notarize.

WIFE #1: You notarize men too?

NOTARY #1: Of course I do. Men have notarial needs too. Didn’t you know that?

WIFE #1: Well, I’d just be more comfortable if you would call and let me know where you are and what you’re doing.

INTERVIEWER: I’d like to ask the other wives what type of issues they’ve had with their husbands. How about you Samantha. Tell us your story.

SAMANTHA: I met him five years ago. I thought he was the best guy on earth. I wasn’t bothered by the fact that he was a Notary. I didn’t know that had a stigma to it. It took me a year to find out why. We were at this party. They had a BBQ, kids, families. We were just hanging around mingling. It was nice. I liked it. That is the way weekends should be. Then, Bob got a call. I couldn’t believe it. And he actually answered it. It’s Saturday — how can you answer a business call on a Saturday? He told me the whole deal about how he had bills to pay. I said, your bills can wait. Enjoy yourself. They offered him $100 to come out and sign a few documents. So, he asked if I wanted to come with him. I foolishly said yes. It was horrible sitting there watching the entire family there fight while he signed some contract documents for them. I don’t see how he can handle that type of life. So, after we finished driving and doing the job, it was too late to go back to the BBQ. I wanted to make new friends. But, instead, I drove around town with my mobile notary boyfriend who I later married. Since then, it has only gotten worse.

INTERVIEWER: I’d love to learn how it got worse. But, we’re running out of time. I want to hear Gwen’s story. Gwen, tell us what happened last week with your Notary husband.

GWEN: You wouldn’t believe what happened to me yesterday. I told my husband that I wasn’t feeling like myself. I asked him if he had any suggestions. He recommended that I check my ID to see who my ID said I was. So, I did — and sure enough, I was myself. Then, he said perhaps I should have a separate ID for when I don’t feel like myself to reflect that person. What a nut! Then, I said to him — I feel like I don’t really know you anymore. He told me that I can be either personally known, or proven on the basis of satisfactory evidence. What’s that all about?

INTERVIEWER: It sounds like you’re growing apart. It’s normal for the excitement in a relationship to wear off — especially if that relationship is with a Notary.

GWEN: Tell me about it.

INTERVIEWER: Well, we’re out of time. Tune in next week for another episode of Notary Housewives called Housewives without Mortgages!

.

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Reverse Blackmail at a Notary Signing

Filed under: Drama & Tragedy,Ultra-Popular — Tags: , , , , — admin @ 12:04 am

A notary accidentally notarizes an incompletely filled out document. The client holds on to it with hopes of blackmailing the notary. The notary gets a call:
Client: “Hello, I have an incompletely filled out document that was notarized by you… I am going to report you to the Secretary of State and your commission can be revoked, suspended or terminated if I do so. I need you to do 20 notarizations over the next few weeks, otherwise I will report you!”

Notary: “You mean, I have to be your notary on call? How degrading! I can’t believe I made a mistake like that! Please make a copy of the notarization and forward it to me so I can see it.”
Client: “Well, I can get it to you right away. I need something notarized, but don’t have ID. This is why I am having so much trouble.
Notary: “Can you put your request in writing? Email it to me and I will take a look at it right away.”
Client: “Okay, I’ll send it in an email”
Notary: “Ha HA, you just committed a misdemeanor, and I have it in writing! Give me my original document back, and I won’t report YOU to the Secretary of State!
Client: “You wouldn’t!”
Notary: “You gave me no choice. Now the hunter is the hunted.”
Client: “Ah…. could you put that in writing…”

Tweets:
(1) A notary accidentally notarizes an incompletely filled out document, then gets blackmailed!
(2) I need you to do 20 notarizations or I will report you to the SOS who will revoke your commission!

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A client tries to blackmail a very seasoned notary
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Backdating from A to Z
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