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January 7, 2011

Notary RV Park

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , , , — admin @ 7:15 am

We wrote a few other articles on the theme of Notary Hotel which were very popular. But, what about taking this concept and exploring more angles.

Notary RV Park
I just went to the Notary RV Park. What I have learned is that it is part of a chain of nationwide RV parks catering to retired Notaries. One elderly couple said they were traveling all throughout the country doing signings at ever stop along the way to finance their trip. I was not sure if that was legal or not since you have to be commissioned by whichever state you reside or practice in — but, they didn’t seem to be bothered. They were having a blast. They would go from one Notary RV park to the next and do a signing or two at every stop. Then, they would grill some hot dogs and have some fruit and veggies for dinner. What a lifestyle. Each Notary RV park has a repairman available to fix your printer, laptop or any other mobile office equipment 24/7. What a concept.

Book Online
Book your stay at the Notary Hotel on Expedia. Book online. Wouldn’t it be great if you could book a stay at the Notary Hotel right on 123notary? What if you had a far away notary job 120 miles away that you needed to be at by 9pm and didn’t want to drive all the way home. The Notary Hotel would be perfect. Instead of having a key, just enter your commission number on a keypad, submit a thumbprint, and you can automatically get into your room.

Historical Notary Hotels
On a brighter note, there are Historical Notary Hotels as well. Old Jedadiah used to run the Nevada City Notary Hotel back in the old days when it used to be a temporary home for gold miners and ladies of ill-repute. They did up the place real nice with pictures of life back in the old days. Now it is a respectable place for decent notaries to spend the night during times when they would be traveling a lot. If you want to know the history of Jedadiah’s place and how it became one of the original Notary Hotels back in the late 1800’s, it used to be a place where you could get claims to gold mines notarized in the tea room next to the lobby. Of course in those days, they laced their tea with plenty of whisky and other spirits. And after the signings, Lucy and the other bar girls would entertain you.

Vegas style Notary Hotels
Then in Vegas, they build a huge Notary hotel with 2000 rooms, a buffet, and more. But, they had a better offer for the land, so they imploded the entire building after only six years.

.

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January 6, 2011

Alice in Notary Wonderland

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , , , — admin @ 8:41 am

Once upon a time there was a little girl named Alice C Butterfield. Little Alice loved to wander around her rich Aunt’s palacial estate. But, she had a habit of sticking her nose where it didn’t belong. Alice would always criticize people for doing the wrong thing. Her aunt didn’t signal a turn once. Alice could not keep her mouth shut and pointed it out. Her uncle Fred inflated a deduction on his taxes which Alice pointed out. How could a nine year old girl know so much about taxes. I guess curiousity knows no bounds.

Alice was sitting near the river with her sister reading a dull book with no pictures. Then, she noticed a rabbit wearing a top coat. She follows the rabbit down a hole, and then falls a very long way down. When she hits bottom she is in a room with many locked doors. But, there is a small bottle on the table with a small note saying, “drink me.” She drinks the contents of the bottle and then shrinks to a very small size.

Then, she saw a small document sitting on the table that she didn’t notice before that says, “notarize me.” Next to the document, there was a small stamp as well. Since Alice was a bookworm, she was well acquainted with the responsibilities of a Notary Public. She knew that a signer would have to appear before her that would produce identification. But, around there, the signer might be an animal wearing human clothing. So, Alice waited and waited, hoping for her signer to come by. After what seemed like a very long time there was a knock on the door. But, which door. There were dozens of doors, each one a different size. There were doors on the ceiling, doors on the floors, walls, and everywhere you looked. There were even doors within doors within doors. Then she heard a voice. “Over here!”

Alice opened a little door and a little mouse with a walking stick appeared. “I’ve been trying to get notarized for years, but can never find a Notary my size. Then, I heard that someone shrunk you and that you could do the job. Can you Notarize me?” Alice replied, “But, I’m not commissioned in the United Kingdom.” Then the mouse explained that in their jurisdiction, any human could execute Notary functions providing they checked ID. So, Alice checked the mouse’s ID and it read, Edgar J Mouse. Alice Notarized him. Then Alice asked, “How will you pay me for my services?” The mouse replied, “Here, I brought you some cheese I stole from a mousetrap.”

Alice ate the cheese. And then she started growing and growing and growing until her head hit the ceiling. “Curiouser and curiouser”, exclaimed Alice. Then, Alice swam down a river of her own tears. She was so sad that she shrank and then grew and didn’t know where she was. So, she swam until she found that little mouse giving a lecture on William the Conqueror.

Alice met a caterpillar who said, “Explain yourself.” Alice said that she couldn’t explain herself because she wasn’t herself. Then the caterpillar said, “Well, what self does your ID say you are? Alice replied, “Alice Butterfield, but I’m really Alice C Butterfield.” Then the caterpillar said, “If you were really Alice C Butterfield, then your ID would reflect that name. It’s time to make a visit to the DMV not isn’t it?”

Alice wandered on until she saw a Cheshire cat that directed her to March Hare’s house. Alice continued on her aimless journey until she became the guest at a mad tea party along with the Hare.

MARCH HARE: Notarize this signature

ALICE: But, this is a blank document with you signature. It wasn’t very civil of you to ask me to notarize something that doesn’t even exist!

MARCH HARE: Well, it wasn’t very civil of you to invite yourself to our tea party at our table.

ALICE: I didn’t know it was your table.

MARCH HARE: Do you say what you mean?

ALICE: Well, I mean what I say.

MARCH HARE: Well then notarize my signature for today’s date. Does your watch have the date?

ALICE: Well no.

MARCH HARE: How about the year?

ALICE: Well the year doesn’t change too quickly so it doesn’t need to tell the year.

MARCH HARE: I think the year just changed. There it goes again. Notarize me for 1899.

ALICE: Why 1899?

MARCH HARE: Why not? Every year is the same around here. Why should it make a difference. That’s why we don’t hurry. Time doesn’t matter.

ALICE: But, time does matter. You have to beat time.

MARCH HARE: Time might not take to kindly if you beat it, but hurry up before it turns 1901. I want to be notarized this century.

ALICE: How can the year change multiple times within the time-frame of one afternoon?

Then Alice found a tree with a door in it. She went through the door and into a long hall. She ended up at a palace run by a very angry queen.

QUEEN: Who are you?

ALICE: I am Alice.

QUEEN: What I mean is what does it say on your commission?

ALICE: Alice C Butterfield, but my ID only says Alice Butterfield.

QUEEN: Nonsense! And when is our commission expiration date?

ALICE: 1897, but now it is 1901.

QUEEN: Actually it was 1901 a few hours ago, now it is 1905. It will continue being 1905 until sunset and then tomorrow morning it will be 1896 which will give you a few days to complete any necessary notarizations.

ALICE: But, I thought time always moved forwards.

QUEEN: Why should it. Do you always move forwards?

ALICE: Hmm, I never thought about it like that.

QUEEN: Well I don’t like your middle name. Off with your middle initial.

KING: But, she is just a child.

QUEEN: I hate C’s. They are so mediocre. And off with their heads — of the gardeners. They fowled up my rose bush. It took years to grow it and then it shrank. Hmm. Perhaps because time moved backwards. Here is my signature. Study it intently, and then notarize it.

CAT: So, how do you like the queen’s signature

ALICE: Well actually, not at all. It’s extremely (noticing that the queen was right behind her) — likely to win.

EXECUTIONER: I can’t cut off a head unless it has a body attached to it.

ALICE: And what if you cut off the wrong head? Shouldn’t you check the ID?

QUEEN: The ID of the head or the ID of the body?

CAT: Is there more than one? (grinning)

ALICE: And what if the ID expired, after all it must be 1910 by now and the DMV has ID’s expire after only four years in England these days.

QUEEN: Yes, but if the ID shows a physical likeness, then it should be okay.

ALICE: To make sure the ID isn’t fake, you could ask them what their date of birth is and then confirm the date with teh ID.

QUEEN: You are a crafty one aren’t you.

ALICE: Besides, beheading someone is so extreme. Why not just cut off part of their name, initial, or a Jr. or Sr. at the end of their name. That will teach them a lesson.

QUEEN: Yes, I rather like that. John W. Smith will have to live the rest of his life being John Smith. I like this. That is much more fun than beheading someone. Off with their initials!

ALICE: But, you shouldn’t remove an initial without a porpoise.

QUEEN: Well we shall have that decided in court.

(in court)

RABBIT: I submit my evidence that the gardner did not submit evidence that he ruined the rose bushes. Someone wrote a statement about the rose bushes, but it wasn’t signed.

ALICE: Yes, if it wasn’t signed, then how will we know who wrote it.

QUEEN: Well, as long as my roses are ruined, what difference does it make?

CHESHIRE CAT: Perhaps we should do a handwriting analysis.

KNAVE: We could go back into time and have him sign it. Time is supposed to roll back tonight.

ALICE: But, there’s no meaning in this.

KING: So, if there is no meaning, then why look for a meaning?

(later that night)

ALICE: If you sign this document, they will know you ruined the rose bushes

GARDENER: Yes, but now that time has rolled back, I can change my statement and then sign it.

ALICE: That is a good idea. And it will be 1897 after midnight, so my commission will be in effect then.

GARDENER: Here is my statement and my signature. Please notarize it.

ALICE: Gladly. But, the stamp I am using is one I used when I was two inches tall.

GARDENER: That’s no problem. I’ll just make my signature extra small to match. Here.

ALICE: I’ll deliver this to the queen in the morning.

QUEEN: Yes, the statement is excellent. He did not ruin my roses, or so he claims. But, that poses a new problem. Who shall I behead?

SISTER: Wake up Alice

ALICE: Oh, I have had such a curious dream. There was this mad queen who went around beheading people and a cat, and a lizard, plus a March Hare. But, none of it was real.

SISTER: What is that in your pocket? It seems to be leaking a black fluid…

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Yes, it’s the Notary Dating Show!

Filed under: Popular on Facebook (some),Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , , — admin @ 1:00 am

Welcome to the Notary Dating Show. I’m your host Jeremy! Tonight we have a fun crowd. Tony wants to meet a nice Notary from the female gender, and boy do we have some choices for him. We have Tammy, Mandy, and Wendy, all of whom are interesting young ladies who are not only fun — but, they’re experienced! I know if Jimmi Hendrix dated a Notary, he would want an experienced one, but let’s see how Tony feels. Now, let’s introduce Tony!

JEREMY: Tony! Welcome to the show.

TONY: It’s great to be here. I just can’t believe this is happening. I’ve been finding all the wrong girls. I just can’t relate to them.

JEREMY: Do you think — that it’s because they’re not Notaries?

TONY: That might very well be Jeremy. It is a distinct possibility.

JEREMY: Okay… Now, we have three young ladies from the female gender on the other side of that curtain. You can each ask each other a few questions, and then decide who you want to meet.

TONY: Well, how do I know if they’re hot if I only get to see them after the questions?

JEREMY: We do it this way to reduce the element of distraction.

TONY: Oh, got it….

TAMMY: Hi Tony. I’m Tammy. I just wanted to know, have you ever notarized a paraplegic?

TONY: Hmm, I can’t say that I have. That sounds a bit hair raising.

TAMMY: Well, his hair was the only thing he could raise. He couldn’t move his arms and had to sign by putting a pen in his mouth.

TONY: Oh my God. That must have been a very memorable signing. I feel sorry for the guy.

TAMMY: Me too. I just wish I could do something to make it up to him.

TONY: Well, it’s not your fault that he has that problem.

MANDY: Hi, I’m Mandy. So, have you ever done it in an airplane? I mean notarized someone at an altitude of a mile high or higher?

TONY: Actually, I met someone in an airport for a signing. We met at the airport Starbucks. He was so high on caffeine that he was about to fly away before the plane even docked.

WENDY: Hi, I’m Wendy. The other day, I notarized an accomplice to a murder. I got such a rush out of that. I was wondering what the most hair raising notarization you have ever done was.

TONY: Hmmm, I’ll have to think about that…. I notarized a cartel boss at Men’s Central. He was the silent type. Very unnerving.

WENDY: So, he didn’t offer you a coupon for his “products?”

TONY: Very funny. I stay clear of that type of thing.

JEREMY: So, Tony, which girl did you like the most?

TONY: Hmm, I kind of like Tammy. She takes a lot of concern for others who she doesn’t even know. I just wonder if she is as nice to people who she does know, even when they become the same old thing after half a year of dating.

TAMMY: You’ll find out!

JEREMY: That’s right, you will find out because your first date has been scheduled for Le Jurat — enjoy notarial foods including certified angus beef, soup du jurat, and embossed giant oreo cookies a la mode. The valet will need your parking stub to be notarized, and don’t forget to ask the waiter when your 1st payment is due –that is a tradition to ask at this restaurant where almost all of the clients are loan signing agents! After six months of dating Tammy you will find out how she treats people who are no longer new and exciting, but let’s just start with the first date!

.

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January 5, 2011

Welcome to the Notary Zoo!

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Popular on Facebook (A little),Popular on Facebook (shares),Popular on Linked In,Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , , , , , , — admin @ 6:55 am

Welcome to the Notary Zoo!

After visiting the Notary Zoo for the first time, I noticed that things were a little “different” there. There were animals that didn’t exist in real life, and situations that were often opposite of what they normally were.

Before entering the zoo, right before the entrance, you see a huge venue carved into the granite floor. The venue says, “State of California, County of Los Angeles.” I’m glad the zoo helps me remember where I am because at that place, it’s easy to forget. Then, I went to pay my entrance fee. There was a huge sign saying that all customers needed to “personally appear” before the ticket seller with the seal of approval, who won the crowd’s approval after the seal juggled a ball on its nose. I needed to produce positive identification, asked how much it was to visit the zoo, and the clerk said it depended on how many signatures I wanted. I wanted admittance for just myself, which would be one signature at $10 per signature. The lady stamped my ticket and let me in.

As Trump might say, the zoo was “huge.”

There were walkways going every which direction. To the left I saw the Juratffs. I had never seen a Juratff before. I asked what I was supposed to do there, and the guard said that people swear at this animal all day long. So, I said, “I solemnly swear blah blah blah.” But, the juratff ignored me and kept eating leaves. At least he stuck his neck out for me. In the next exhibit down the corridor I saw a giant refrigerator with a sign saying, “How can you fit a juratff in a refrigerator?” Then a baby juratff waltzed in the refrigerator, stuck its neck out the hole in the top, and munched on some low hanging leaves.

Don’t feed the Notaries

Next, there was an area where some Notaries were hanging around. The visitors were led down an underground passage and then up some stairs into a huge cage that had a sign: “Don’t feed the Notaries.” The Notaries just went about their business and ignored the tourists’ constant taunts and whistling. The Notaries sat at desks, walked around, ID’d people and stamped pieces of paper. I didn’t understand the logic of this as they were notarizing other Notaries and not getting paid. Later on I learned that this was some sort of an asylum for people who were convinced that they were Notaries, but never passed the state Notary exam for reasons unknown. They were NOTaries.

The next exhibit had a Notary comedian. Not only was there an applause sign. There was an applause signer.

He started cracking jokes. “How do you define a loose acknowledgment? It’s an acknowledgement that attaches itself to different documents — on the first date before it even knows your first name — at least the first name on your ID.” Then our comedian friend made another joke about pastry. “I just found out that a Mexican wedding cake is exactly the same thing as a Russian tea cake. They are both two inches wide and made from shortbread. I guess one man’s tea is another man’s wedding!”

An exhibit for Notarial owls.
They just sat in the tree all day long saying, “Hoo — is the signer?” Next to the owls was the judge from Noternity court who said, “Who is the signer? Who is the Notary? We’ve examined the DNA evidence and handwriting analysis and you ARE the Notary!”

The aquarium was next on my list.
I went down a dark hallway into a pitch black room, turned a corner, and then I was in the Notary Aquarium. I saw a guy swimming in the tank in a three piece suit with a briefcase. I asked the guard why the sharks don’t eat him. The guard replied, “Professional courtesy — that guy’s an Attorney.” Then I saw another guy wearing a suit who just got his leg bitten off by another shark. Blood was filling the tank. I looked at the guard and he said, “That one’s a Mortgage Broker. He’s the one who asked people to backdate, and didn’t pay his Notaries on time.” It cost him a leg if not an arm. I journeyed into the next room in the aquarium and saw a bizarre looking fish. It looked like a hammerhead, but on closer inspection it was a stampfish. His head looked like a huge rectangular Notary stamp. I said to the guard, “It’s too bad there is no paperfish that the stampfish can stamp.” The guard said, “Where there is one around here, there will be a squid just waiting to donate some of his precious ink so the underwater Notarization could happen.” Then, lo and behold, a paperfish appeared from nowhere. Instead of stamping the paperfish, the stampfish took a bite out of it. I asked the guard what happened. The guard informed me that the stampfish was offended that the paperfish hadn’t been signed and dated — this was his way of voicing his underwater displeasure. Then I saw another stampfish who looked like he was high. The guard explained that he had a constant supply of really good sea-weed, and one or two bites of that will get you very high. On my way out of the aquarium there was a huge underwater building. The sign on the building said underwater county recorder. Inside the building there was a huge line of stamp fish. My only thought at this point is — I hope these stampfish have waterproof journals!

On my way toward the exit I saw some lions swearing under Oath. Lyin’ and swearing to uphold the truth – Isn’t that an oxymoron? Then I saw some sheep being sheepish about their loan signing. But they couldn’t pull their wool over my eyes. There was a huge section where there were boars that specialized in 400 page signings where you read every page. It nearly boared me to death. And finally a bobcat who swore under Oath that he was legally Robert Cat.

Finally, I went to the aviary.
That place is for the birds! I saw some birds signing a health directive so they could fight against avarian cancer. I tried to explain that it is o-varian cancer, but they claimed that there are certain types of cancer that only birds get in their old age. Then, an eagle swooped down to avoid one of the guards who was trying to ID him for the Patriot Act.

In any case. I enjoyed the zoo. It was fun. I was slightly disappointed that I couldn’t get a souvenir of a waterproof journal in the gift shop, but maybe next year.

.

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January 4, 2011

Comedy Central Notary Roast

Filed under: Andy Cowan,Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: , , — admin @ 10:29 pm

JEREMY: Welcome to the first Comedy Central Notary Roast. World class comedians are about to “pay tribute to” our Notary of the hour, Alex!

Welcome an old hand at roasting, and I do mean old, ladies and gentlemen, the mouth that roared, but never bored, Don Rickles.

DON RICKLES: Thank you for that incredible honor. A sign your career is in the dumper – when you’re trashing a notary instead of what you usually do – ignoring one. “Sign”. That’s Alex’s idea of a good time. Dreamt big, huh, Alex? What’s the matter – being a lawn jockey was already taken? But no, without notaries, where would this country be? Beating the Chinese, that’s where we’d be. A lot of help you’ve been, you dumb hocky puck. I kid Alex, but all kidding aside, the next time I need something certified, I’ll be sure to give you a call. Am I allowed to certify that you’re boring, or do I need my seal for that? (BARKING LIKE A SEAL)

JEREMY: Thank you, Don RIckles! That man always makes me laugh. But then again, so does diphtheria. And now, speaking of diseases, please welcome the woman who’s been sanitized for our protection, except when it comes to her mouth… Amy Schumer!

AMY SCHUMER: Thank you! Don, I don’t care how old you are, I’d still do you. Then again, I’d do a banana. So nice to be here honoring Alex. Notaries are so hot! But don’t make me swear to that under penalty of perjury. Then again I &$%!! swear all the time. Alex, show me your seal, and I’ll show you my seal of approval. Oh no, Alex is having a heart attack! I guess the excitement of hearing the first woman in history come on to a notary was too much for him. Oh, never mind. It’s not a heart attack after all. He’s clutching the pen in his pocket protector, not his heart. Alex, let your hair down and leave the work at your office! Your office – that’s your car, right? Oh, it’s his home. Well, at least you can afford a car/home. It’s a rental? Sorry Alex. I’ll stick with the banana.

JEREMY: Thank you, Amy Schumer! You remind me of Times Square on New Year’s Eve… trashy. And now let’s give it up for… Chris Rock!

CHRIS ROCK: I’m not surprised to see that Alex ain’t black. I don’t know too many brothers who are notaries. We’re great at having people sign stuff if it’s graffiti on a honkey’s wall. Whereas Alex here, he’s the real deal. Who was your idol growing up? Mine was Richard Pryor, Johnny Carson, Bill Cosby. Two out of three ain’t bad. Alex’s was the credible witness who provides a way to positively identify a signer who lacks satisfactory identification documents. Alex, you’re livin’ the dream. If you’re lucky, one day, you’ll get to watch paint dry. What do you learn at notary public school anyway? Can you learn how to whup somebody’s ass? If not, what good is it?

JEREMY: Thank you, Chris Rock. And last but not least, let’s welcome him while he isn’t in a car getting coffee… Jerry Seinfeld!

JERRY SEINFELD: Who better than I, Jerry Seinfeld, to close this roast? My show was about nothing. And this man, Alex, is clearly… about nothing. Some parents want their kids to grow up to be doctors… lawyers…entrepreneurs. Alex’s parents wanted him to show him a sign of wanting to grow up to be a doctor… a lawyer… an entrepreneur. And Alex, a man who clearly thinks inside, not outside, of the box, took his parents literally. I’ll show you a sign… Here’s a sign, or signing. There’s a signing. Mom, dad, I want to be a notary public! Of course, his folks said, “Can’t you be a notary private? We’d rather not have the neighbors find out.”

JEREMY: Ladies and gentleman… the notary of the hour… welcome… Alex!

ALEX, THE NOTARY: Wow, this has been unbelievable. Jerry, your signature is the funniest one I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen a lot of funny signatures. Chris, I know plenty of black notaries. Or maybe they’re white guys covered up with ink. Amy, I’m thrilled you were flirting with me. Then again, no one ever has before, so I don’t actually know what flirting looks like. And Don Rickles, you are my hero. I’m a notary, so that’s not saying much. Thanks everybody… SIGNING off!

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How Carmen dealt with some Alt-Right customers

Filed under: Best Humorous Posts,Popular Overall,Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: — admin @ 7:49 am

Many of you do not know this, but in addition to doing sales on 123notary.com, Carmen is also a Notary. Carmen was chosen to help us here at 123notary because she knows the Notary and signing business inside out and has great oral communication skills. Carmen normally picks and chooses which customers she takes to avoid the riff-raff. But, this last drama was out of the ordinary.

(ring-ring)

PAUL: (on phone) Hi, my name is Paul, and we will need some documents Notarized at Maggiano’s.

CARMEN: Fine, I charge $50 travel fee plus $10 per Notarized signatures. I give a discount if you have more than five signatures.

PAUL: Well, we only have one, and we have cash, so you are in luck.

(Carmen drives to the Maggiano’s location)

GROUP: Hail Trump!!! (raising right arm to do Nazi type salute)

MAGGIANO’S STAFF: Oh, my God, what an embarrassment. We gave them a Cesar salad, they should be hailing Caesar, not Trump! Besides, what will our politically correct left-wing customers who control all of our thoughts and actions say?

CARMEN: I’ll tell you what they’ll say. For starters you need to screen your groups just the way Notaries need to screen their signing companies. Otherwise, there’s no telling what type of bozos you’ll get. Second, you need to take a closer eye on people. That’s what I do. The minute I see someone doing a Nazi salute — that’s a warning sign right there! If you’re not watching, you’ll find out after the fact!

PAUL: Hi Carmen, thanks for coming.

CARMEN: What type of group is this? Are you Gestappo Trump supporters?

PAUL: We are just trying to protect our legacy and inheritance.

CARMEN: I understand exactly how you feel — I’m trying to do the same — in my own way.

PAUL: By voting against Trump?

CARMEN: That’s one of my methods. Checking people’s ID’s is another. Let’s see some ID please.

PAUL: Here it is. You might not realize that’s me, because I had the photo taken during my skinhead days. I hope you don’t take offense at that.

CARMEN: That will do. And by the way, the problem is not the skin on your head. The problem is what’s under the skin. So, this is an Affidavit of protection for the motherland. A document that makes you swear to protect your land against all enemies foreign and domestic and not to abandon your cause for light and transient causes. Okay. Sign here!

PAUL: Got it.

CARMEN: Now, raise your right arm and say hail! Do you solemnly swear that you will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth and that you will protect the motherland to the best of your abilities come hell, fire, damnation, or hail-storms?

PAUL: Hail… I mean, yes I do.

CARMEN: Okay, I’m affixing my official seal courtesy of the State of California. You can consider yourself legally Notarized.

PAUL: Here’s $80.

CARMEN: You only owe me $60.

PAUL: I know, but you’ll need some extra on the boat going back to you know where!

CARMEN: You racist!!! I can’t believe you said that! By the way, I had a dream about that boat. It was the longest boat ride of my life, and the only doctor on board was Dr. Pepper. What a bunch of loons! I’m so upset, I’m calling Jeremy to tell him what happened.

JEREMY: Yes Carmen

CARMEN: You wouldn’t believe what happened. I did a Notarization for Alt-Right, and (blah blah blah, etc.) I just wish I could press a magic button and have these people disappear.

JEREMY: Well you can. Just go to your computer and say, “There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home — and then click the keys CTRL-ALT-RIGHT-DELETE three times.

CARMEN: Okay, I’ll do that.. There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home…. click… click.. click… Where am I?

TIM: You were just having a bad dream mom. It must be that whole Trump election and everything that’s going on in the news.

CARMEN: From now on, I’m being careful about who I notarize!

———————————-

The next job Carmen took was from Black Lives Matter

DeSHEA: Hi Carmen, I need 200 documents notarized for the cause.

CARMEN: I’m with you brother!

DeSHEA: When can you be here?

CARMEN: I’m on my way. I have a package rate of $50 travel, $10 per signature, and $5 per signature after you are on your sixth. But, for you, I will work for a package rate of $300 for the whole stack!

DeSHEA: You’re my kind of sister!

CARMEN: Okay, here I am.

DeSHEA: There’s a problem

CARMEN: What problem is that?

DeSHEA: We’re concerned that although you black, you ain’t black…. eeee-nuff.

CARMEN: Not black enough? How black I gotta be brutha?

DeSHEA: We do blood tests here from ancestry.com, and if you are less than 87% of Sub-Saharan African ancestry, you can not be affiliated with our group, nor can you work for us. I’m afraid this is a policy.

CARMEN: So, if I’m more than 13% something else, I can’t work for you? Oh my God. This Trump election is making people more crazy all around the country!

——————————-

Finally, a job offer comes in from Mulatto Lives Matter.

KIM: Carmen, we need your help for the cause.

CARMEN: I’m with you sister. I just had a horrible experience with the, “Let’s make America white again” group as well as the Black lives matter group who disowns you the minute you are 13% or more something else according to ancestry.com. I’m with you sister.

KIM: We we’re more flexible here. You can be 13.1 to 87.3% black and we will accept you over here. We need ten documents notarized.

CARMEN: I’m there.

KIM: In the mean time while we wait for the signers, would you like a vanilla latte in a zebra cup? It’s symbolic of our movement.

CARMEN: A vanilla latte… what? Next thing you’re going to ask me is if I want the whole cup or just 50-50.

KIM: Hi Carmen. Thanks for coming. There are ten different signers and not all of them can come at the same time, so you’ll have to wait.

CARMEN: I charge waiting time by the way at the rate of $20 per twenty minutes payable up front as well as my $50 travel fee.

KIM: Oh. I didn’t know that up front.

CARMEN: I didn’t know you’d keep me waiting all day up front either. You could have warned me.

KIM: Well, I don’t think we’re a good fit.

————————————

CARMEN: Jeremy, these’ political groups are killing me. They’re either racists, or completely irresponsible or both. The Alt-Right wants to deport me, but they sure tip good. The Black LIves Matter openly discriminated against me and Mulatto Lives Matter wanted to keep me waiting all day without any guarantee of payment. I think I was better off with the Alt-Right — at least they were on time and gave me extra, but I deleted them!

JEREMY: Carmen, I know how you feel. I’ve been through similar things in my life. Sometimes everybody is bad in one way or another, and it’s hard to figure out who NOT to CTRL-ALT-DEL. But, I have a solution. I call it, “The final solution.”

CARMEN: That’s sounds Nazi, but lay it on me.

JEREMY: The final solution is not to work for any of those groups. Work for ALT-123. We are even handed, moderate, and judge you by the content of your merit, and NOT by the color of your ink.

CARMEN: I heard that! Dr. King would be proud.

JEREMY: And Dr. Pepper too.

CARMEN: Dr. Pepper? Oh. I must have told you about my dream. Anyway. I’m going to take a nap now.

———————————-

(snooze)

CARMEN: Oh, no. I must be dreaming again. I’m on the boat. But, this time it’s worse. They’re out of Dr. Pepper which I’ve heard has healing properties. What will I do. Oh, there’s some people drinking Snapple. Can I have some Snapple?

TYZONE: It’s 13.1% juice.

CARMEN: First of all, how did you get that name? Did your mama give birth you in the bathroom of a pizza parlor when her car broke down on the way to the hospital? And Second — 13.1%? Am I allowed to drink Snapple if it’s 13.1% juice, or does it have to be under 13% juice, or under 13% something other than juice. I’m confused. Let me go to my computer.

TYZONE: There’s no computer on this boat baby.

CARMEN: I brought my own. CTRL-ALT-RIGHT-DEL…… ALT-123… There’s no place like 123!!!! Oh, that was fun, I want to do that again!

(Meanwhile Carmen drifts off again and has another dream. This time David Duke was on a refugee boat filled with Alt-Right people on a one-way journey to Europe while Carmen was on land in America watching him drift by.)

DAVID DUKE: Hey Carmen, two things. Can you toss a Dr. Pepper on board? And one more thing. Can’t we all just get along?

CARMEN: That’s exactly what I’ve been wanting to ask you all of these decades!

.

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Protesters & A statue of a Notary who had slaves
http://blog.123notary.com/?p=19696

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January 3, 2011

Tony Soprano Gets Notarized

Filed under: Virtual Comedy Themes — Tags: — admin @ 9:46 am

NOTARY: Boy, what a long trip, and the traffic was terrible.

TONY: I understand. I’ve had a lot of trouble recently with traffic myself. Everytime I get stuck in traffic the only thought that runs through my head is, “where is that ambulance from heaven that I can follow.”

NOTARY: Isn’t that illegal?

TONY: It ain’t illegal if you don’t get caught. Besides… I know people. Capiche? (gives the notary two light avuncular slaps)

NOTARY: I’m not sure if I’m at a notariation or in a Good Fella’s movie.

TONY: It’s a little of both I guess when you’re around here. So.. let’s get started.

NOTARY: Do you have a document you need notarized? Can I see it?

TONY: I got it right here, safe and sound in my violin case. I’m from a very musical family. You know?

NOTARY: Yes, I can see that. There seem to be many violin cases around here. Do you know a good place I can get my bow rehaired?

TONY: Your what?

NOTARY: My bow. I’m a Violist.

TONY: Violist?

NOTARY: You know the instrument that looks like a violin, but is slightly bigger?

TONY: Oh yeah… the viola. I know what that is. But, you’re on your own. I don’t know no bow hair fixer uppers. My violins are strictly for looks purposes only, eh?

NOTARY: I understand. Just for show. Kind of like when I try to play the Khachaturian or Paganini concertos.

TONY: Oh yeah. I know Paganini. I dated his sister for a while. It didn’t end too good though. One of the uncles threatened me.

NOTARY: Did he threaten to forbid you from playing the violin again?

TONY: Not exactly. Let’s put it this way, he owns a concrete business.

NOTARY: Oh, well you won’t be able to play the violin again if he does what I think he was implying.

TONY: Never could in the first place. Okay, here’s the document — oh shoot, I’m running low on ammo. I didn’t realize. Thank God we’re doing this.

NOTARY: Ammo? You keep ammo in the violin case? When I go out to play a concert, I always keep my ammo in a separate bag from my viola case.

TONY: To each his own. Sometimes you don’t want the ammo getting separated from your instruments — you know what I mean?

NOTARY: Okay… we have the document entitled, “I won’t go anywhere’s near Giuseppe or the rest of you’s guys.” Okay, great. Can I see some ID?

TONY: Take your pick! (hands out twelve ID”s like a fan of cards.

NOTARY: Oh, I see. Let me close my eyes. Hmmm. I think I’ll pick…. this one… By the way, which one is the real one so I don’t have to have you arrested for fraud.

TONY: Oh, they’re all real.

NOTARY: What I mean was, which one was issued by the DMV here.

TONY: Oh, that kind of real. Dis one!

NOTARY: Now we’re in business. Now, please sign the document as Tony Soprano, and sign the journal the same way. I’ll need thumbprints too.

TONY: I have DNA samples in my other violin case just in case you’re interested.

NOTARY: Is it your DNA or DNA you’re planting.

TONY: Once again — take your pick!

NOTARY: Okay, I’ve filled out the form, I’m affixing my seal…. done… You know something. After meeting you, I’d like to keep my notary seal, journal, and ammunition (ink refill) in a violin case — and also wear a black shirt, white tie, and pin stripe suit.

TONY: You can call your operation, “Just got made Notarizations.” Just don’t try to do no notarizations in Bensonhurst. You’ll be cutting into Guido’s territory. He’s incharge of all the notarizations down there. Bad things could happen if you venture down there. Understand?

NOTARY: I think I got it. I’ll just stick to Connecticut for now. Have a nice day and stay out of trouble.

TONY: I think I’ll be safe with this document notarized. Now my ex-girlfriend’s family will feel safe…

NOTARY: Never mind — I’m not even going to ask.

.

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